Thank you all for reading and reviewing! Saying at the beginning of every chapter is not thanks enough. ^_~

A/N: For those that are interested, I started a new fic. It's a MHawke/Anders set during Awakening called The Sword of Mercy.


"You cannot be serious." Fenris stared at Anders in astonishment. "Why would you even consider this?" They both stood in the middle of the room they had been given by the wardens. This one had more comforts, including a roaring fireplace that radiated much appreciated warmth.

Anders and Aedan had been locked away with Frey for hours. Fenris had waited with Zevran in Aedan's room, pacing like a caged cat. The things the two of them spoke of had sent Fenris into a tailspin of anger and fear.

"I am serious." Anders sat down on an ancient chair that had probably been in the fortress since the founding of the wardens. "They've been looking for me for years. They lost track of me when I went into the circle, and since the circles only keep phylacteries—less paperwork I imagine—they couldn't find where I'd been taken to." He ran his fingers through his jaw length hair. He had done it so many times during his meeting with Frey that his hair tie had fallen and become lost.

"Don't you realize what this means? All these years my father hated me and I never knew why. I use to lay awake at night and wonder what it was about me that drove him to…" He trailed off and blew out a slow breath. "But it makes sense now. I was never his, and he hated that he had to pretend otherwise. I don't know what my mother told him, but it was enough to convince him to claim me."

Fenris crossed his arms. "And he changed his mind after you almost killed him defending yourself."

"Exactly," Anders exclaimed. "At that point I think that my mother thought it would be safer for me in the circle. Safer from him, and safer from—"

"She did not want you to come back." There it was. Fenris could not stand by while Aedan and Anders ignored the obvious. Frey wanted to put Anders on the throne, and Aedan was backing him up. If he had thought he was angry at Aedan before, it was nothing compared to the rage he felt now. He felt betrayed by the man. He had promised to look after Anders, but was leading him down a path that was fraught with more danger than the Deep Roads could ever offer.

He didn't know if he could ever forgive Aedan for his culpability.

"She wanted you to be safe from the man you thought was your father and the barons," Fenris pressed. "Why would you accept Frey's plan? You only lived a small portion of your life here. You hate it here."

Anders reared back in surprise. "What? Why wouldn't I? I can do so much here. If the King of the Anderfels is a mage, think on the implications."

"I am!" Fenris suddenly shouted. He had to make Anders see reason, even if no one else would. He wouldn't lie and sell Anders a pack of dreams the way Aedan and Frey seemed to have. "The barons might not accept a mage ruler. Neither will the chantry. You'd be outside the circle even more than you already are now. How long do you think it would be until a Divine March was led here? How long until Tevinter comes, seeing their chance? Frey doesn't want to put you in power he wants what he had before. He wants to rule without any of the responsibility. You know nothing about what it would take to run a country. Who would you ask for help and advice if not the First Warden, the man who helped put you on your throne?"

"You don't think I can do it, do you? That's why you're so upset." Anders pushed to his feet and drew up to his full height. "You think I'll screw this up."

Fenris slashed at the air with his hand. "Someone needs to make you understand the full implications."

"You didn't answer my question," Anders said slowly, anger lacing his words. "You think I can't do this. You don't have any faith in me."

"Don't put words in my mouth." Fenris held up a finger in warning. "I have every faith in you, if you don't know this by now, then I don't know what else I can say to make you believe that. It's not you I don't trust-it's Frey and his motives. He has been playing a deep game in the Anderfels for decades. It will not be what you think it is. If anything is said of you, it is not that you are a mage, but that you are a warden, a king like the one in Ferelden. Frey seeks to make the wardens indispensable, and he will use you to gain it, just like he used Aedan, just like he used King Alistair."

Anders narrowed his eyes. "Don't you think I'm aware of that? If I'm king, then it doesn't matter what Frey wants, does it?"

"No," Fenris snapped. "But it will matter what your barons and the nobles want. Even if they accept you, your life will no longer be your own. I cannot be with you as I am now."

"Why wouldn't you be?" Anders threw up his hands in exasperation. "I—"

Fenris spread his hands wide and gestured to himself. "In case you have forgotten, I'm an elf. Do you not see how elves are treated in Thedas? The best some of us can hope for is to be useful to a human in some fashion. If not then we are slaves, servants, assassins, whores, thieves, and mercenaries, but never anything more."

Anders reached out to touch Fenris, but his hand was slapped away. "Fenris, they won't say anything. They can't keep you from me."

"Now you are being naïve." Fenris jerked his eyes away from Anders. "Did nothing that Hawke said to you when we were in Kirkwall penetrate your mind? She is in an untenable position. She cannot marry the man she loves, but she cannot also marry the way the nobles wish her to." He lifted his eyes to finally look at Anders again. "Ability to have children or no, they will force you to marry for a political alliance." He held up his hand to forestall any protests. "Let me finish. All rulers must marry at some point. Tell me that I am not speaking the truth."

Anders shook his head and took a step back. "Even if you were right, you're only speculating. I don't care what they say about us. I thought you felt the same way. I thought you said you would follow me anywhere. I need you, Fenris. If I'm going to do this, I need you with me."

For a few heartbeats, Anders didn't think Fenris was going to answer him. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft and almost inaudible. "I cannot follow you in this."

"What? What are you…"

Fenris' throat worked a few times before he spoke again. "I cannot be your dirty little secret."

Reaching behind him, Anders grabbed the arm of a chair and gripped it tightly. The words that Fenris had said to Sebastian rang in his ears. "The barons… Frey… I don't care what they think. I don't care what they want."

"And I will not be pushed into the shadows. I will not be politely ignored the way Zevran is. I will not hear the slight hesitation in their voices, when they try to think of a way to address me without acknowledging our relationship. I will not stand in the back of the blighted chantry while you make your vows to another. Do not ask that of me. I will not hide what I feel for you. I did enough of that in Kirkwall, and I promised myself when I came back from the Fade, that I would never do it again." Fenris' voice had steadily risen until he was shouting, his face twisted with pain.

"I am a Tevinter elven ex-slave. Even if I was only one of these things, I would not be fit to be a consort for a king." Striding over to Anders, Fenris reached up and cupped his cheeks in his hands. His thumbs smoothed circles over the stubble on Anders' jaw. "Until I met you, I did not know my own worth. I do not recall every wanting anything for my own before. If I ever had dreams other than wanting to feel Danarius' heart my hand, then they are gone with all of my other memories." He pulled Anders' face down and touched their foreheads together. "I do not tell you these things, because I know how pathetic it sounds. The words stick in my throat, and I feel like I'm choking on them. There are days when I want everything from you, and I hate myself for it. You're not a slave, and I would never…"

It was then that Fenris knew what he needed to do. He could not ask Anders to give up something that would give him the power to change the lives of mages, even if it was just in the Anderfels. As much as Fenris disagreed with some of the things Anders said it would be like asking Fenris to change the fact that he was an elf. Neither of them could become something they weren't. Anders was a mage, and if he was king, he would become something more.

Who was Fenris to stand in the way of that?

Anders reached up and gripped Fenris' wrists, his heart thudding in his chest. "Lov—"

"Let me finish," Fenris said harshly. "I need you to understand. I need…" Fenris closed his eyes. "I love you. You are the first good thing I have ever done. I have a life now because of you. I have a purpose beyond my hate and my need for vengeance. Whatever the magisters made me into, whatever I am now, I can use that to fight the creatures they helped create." He opened his eyes and his lips twitched into a smile. "I see it as poetic." The smile fell away and he shook his head. "But don't ask me to go back into the shadows of a nothing life. I won't do it."

"It won't be like that, love," Anders assured him. "I promise you."

Fenris took a step back and pulled away from Anders. "Do not make promises you cannot keep." Fenris felt something inside him crack and fall away, leaving an empty space. Zevran—more than anyone—understood his pain. As they had waited, the assassin had quietly told him the reality of the Anderfels and the royal court. He had calmly explained that Fenris would not be welcomed there, and that he would be a target for assassination, or-worse still-be used against Anders. Zevran was very clear when he spoke to Fenris. Anders would have everything he wanted, but Fenris would not.

"I want you to have everything in this world that you put your mind to. I do not ask that you deny Frey and Aedan their request, but I cannot be with you in this. Not as we are now. I'll see you get your throne if that is what you wish, but then I will leave to go back to the Vigil."

Anders looked stricken and his mouth worked a few times before he could speak. "Don't do this."

"I have to. I will not hide what I feel for you, but I won't be so selfish as to ask you to deny your birthright. You would hate me if I gave you such an ultimatum. Maybe not at first, but slowly over time it would eat at you. I would rather not have you at all, then have you with me and hate me for it." The wrenching of his heart was a physical thing and Fenris fought to not double over from the pain. The look of horror on the mage's face tore Fenris apart and almost crumbled his resolve. But no, he knew this was the right thing to do. Frey had put them into an untenable position. He turned and walked to the door, placing his hand on the latch when Anders spoke.

"Don't act like you're doing this for me," Anders snapped. "Don't pretend like this is about anything else other than your insecurity."

A part of Fenris screamed at him not to leave, that he was being a prideful fool. He hesitated at the door. What if Anders was right and it wouldn't be as Zevran had described it? Could he take that chance? He wasn't Zevran, and lacked his innate talent to let comments roll off of him like water.

"Then don't be an asshole," Anders shouted. "I'm not going to let you leave like this. You made a promise to me, Fenris, and I'm going to hold you to it. You promised me that Hope would see us have a better life together." Fenris could hear the sob in Anders' voice. "You promised me that if we both had hope, that she would see us in the Fade and grant our wish. You swore to me that we would be together in this life and the next, was that a lie? Was it all a lie?"

Fenris whirled around and strode back to Anders. "No! But I won't allow myself to be used to get to you. I know you Anders. I know you well. You would do anything to protect me, as I would you. Zevran told me—"

Anders threw back his head and gave a bitter laugh. "Zev? Zevran Arainai the ex-Crow? The one that sees plots within plots? The one that spends every waking moment thinking of ways Aedan can fuck him? What in the Void did he tell you?"

"He told me that the barons would not allow a mage king."

"True, but there is nothing they can do about it," Anders said.

"He told me that they would hate that I was your lover."

Anders crossed his arms and tapped his foot in thought. "Also true, but I don't care."

"He said that if you tried to reform the circles in the Anderfels, the Divine would try to force you off the throne." Something niggled at the back of Fenris' mind, but he couldn't quite place it.

"Now that was a little too much." Anders grinned and wiped at his face with his sleeve. "Let me guess, the marriage part was what set you off? You must have been in fine form when he started talking to you. You know, you really have to stop listening to him when you're angry. He'll only tell you what you want to hear in order to force you to get mad and get over it. He does it to Aedan all the time, drives him nuts."

There it was. He should have known that when every word Zevran said had struck a chord with Fenris, that there was something wrong. The blonde elf was always just a bit too helpful. Before they had left Starkhaven, it had been Zevran who had helpfully told Fenris that Anders was outside, and oh, by the way, Vael looked delicious with no shirt on. He had missed the mischievous twinkle in Zevran's eyes, because he had not wanted to see it.

He had been so wrapped up in his own insecurities and fear, that it had taken little prompting from the assassin to send Fenris into a decline.

Fenris growled in his throat. "I'm going to murder him."