Jailhouse Blues

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A/N: Be warned! Jason's foul mouth makes an appearance. As well as multiple outright mentions of sex.

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Jason sighed. How had he managed to get himself into this mess? It started when he was invited to the biggest party of the year at school. Jason, being well Jason, had showed up in a leather jacket and immediately grabbed a solo cup filled with booze. He had been on his third drink and dancing provocatively with Elizabeth Wilchester when the police knocked on the door. Which was when the night went south.

An officer was trying to arrest Jason for underage drinking, when somewhere in Jason's slightly drunk mind, he decided it was a good idea to punch the guy and then try and run away. Which was why Jason was being charged with underage drinking, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer.

And that was the reason that Jason was roughly shoved into a communal holding cell for people above the age of eighteen while the rest of his classmates were sitting in the waiting room of the precinct waiting for their parents. As Jason watched the bars slam closed, he groaned. The day really couldn't get much worse.

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Jason decided that his day was much worse. Apparently, the cops don't know the meaning of wanting a phone call. All he wanted to do was call Dick and ask he to bail him out. Maybe the man could smooth things out with the Commissioner for him. And maybe, just maybe, Jason could convince Dick that keeping the whole 'Jason got arrested' thing from Bruce was a brotherly bonding experience. Dick was all for anything that involved the concept of bonding.

Point being, he couldn't call Dick because they wouldn't give him his damn phone call. And then there were his cell mates. They were freaks, the lot of them. All six of them were insane. He was the sanest one in there, which really spoke volumes about the other people. And to make matters worse, one of them kept hitting on him. Normally he would love the attention, but the lady was old. Like really old.

And then there was the girl in the Alice in Wonderland costume who was literally dancing around the cell. Maybe he should introduce her to the Mad Hatter. It would be his good deed of the year.

The Alice look alike bounded up to him. "Hi! My name's Alice! I like to play truth or dare, will you play with me?"

Jason really wanted to say no. He really really did, but the other occupants in the cell were all glaring at him as if daring him to deny the girl. Sighing, Jason nodded and joined to circle of people.

Alice clapped her hands excitedly. She was like a crazier version of Dick. Boundless energy and enthusiasm that made Jason want to shoot himself, or her. Mostly her. "Okay guys! Before we start, we should go around the circle and tell everyone our names and what we were arrested for! I'll start. My name is Alice Liddell and I was arrested for a tea set and toys before having a tea party on the roof of the toy store."

Jason blinked. Was she serious? He really had to hook her up with the Mad Hatter. And her last name was Liddell like the Alice from the original story. Maybe that's where the whole identity crisis came from. Realizing that it was his turn, Jason cleared his throat. "Uh. My name's Jason. And I was arrested for underage drinking. And resisting arrest. Oh and assaulting a police officer." If the others noticed that he didn't say his last name, they didn't comment.

The old hag was next. "My name is Edna Bealton. And I was arrested for assaulting one of my Bingo friends. And for running an illegal gambling ring." Jason had to give the lady some credit. She was tough shit.

"My name is Jack of Spades! I am the new villain of Gotham, heroes beware!" Jason studied the guy. His hair was sloppily died half red and half black and he had a ill fitting leotard on. Basically he looked like an idiot.

Edna seemed to agree. "Why is your hair half red you moron? And you ain't no villain if the police caught you before you could make a name for yourself!"

The man blushed crimson. "I couldn't decide. I almost named myself the Jack of Diamonds, but decided that that was too tacky for a diamond thief."

"You're my natural enemy!" The guy on Alice's other side suddenly yelled. Jason took note of the costume mask lying across his eyes. "I'm the newest vigilante of Gotham. Soon I shall join ranks with the Batman and he will be at awe of my skills!"

Jason cleared his throat. "Dude. Just tell us your name and why you got arrested."

"My name is Jackson Barnes." Suddenly the man seemed embarrassed. "I got arrested for getting in the way of the police and allowing the art thieves to get away." Jason had to give the guy credit. He had high hopes. Wanting to go from getting in the way of the police to gaining Batman's respect was not exactly achievable.

"My name is Trixie Lockland, and I got arrested for molesting Red Robin. I really wanted to feel up Red Hood, but he wasn't there tonight. It really sucked."

Jason blinked in surprise. And stared at the beautiful and slightly crazy woman in front of him. She had the whole exotic model thing going on, but judging by the reason she got arrested, she had more than a few screws loose.

The final girl sighed from her position sitting in the corner of the jailcell. Her neon green hair looked dull in the fluorescent lighting. Jason studied her closer, she was probably pretty in a punk way. "My name is Tiffany Carlon. I got arrested when the police searched my place and found several stolen goods."

Jason narrowed his eyes. She wasn't a thief, she was taking the fall for someone. He could tell. His Bat Senses were tingling. Or at least that was how Dick described the feeling. Nerd.

Alice clapped her hands excitedly. "Now we can play! I like to play! Okay, my turn first. Jason? Truth or dare?"

Like hell he was revealing anything personal. "Dare."

"I dare you, to yell the first word that pops into your head."

"Mad Hatter."

Alice tilted her head to the side. "Why would you think that?"

Everyone else in the room groaned or visibly face palmed. Was the lady serious? It was a pretty obvious thought process. Jason rolled his eyes but turned to Tiffany. "Truth or dare Punk Girl?"

"Truth."

"Who you taking the fall for?"

Tiffany's eyes widened substantially, before narrowing to slits. Looking around to make sure that the coast was clear, she whispered harshly, "My brother."

"Why?"

"I would do anything for my brother. Wouldn't you?"

Jason thought of Dick's smiling face, the way Tim would squint on a particularly challenging case, and Damian's scowl. Would he take the fall for them? Probably. Especially if it was something serious. They would never last in prison. Well, maybe Damian would. But Dick was too nice and Tim was too timid. They'd be someone's bitch the second they walked in.

Tiffany seemed to see the answer in his eyes and nodded, sending him a small smirk. Jason rolled his eyes but watched as he dared Jackson to give the Jack of Spades a lap dance. The man did it grudgingly, citing that he could not be the first to say 'no'.

It went on for a while, and Jason couldn't help but hope that someone would ask him next. It wasn't as much fun just watching other people play. Finally Edna turned to him and asked, "Truth or dare?"

Jason firmly had a no truth policy, but the way Edna was looking at him was slightly unnerving. He was not going to give her a strip tease, and he had a feeling that that was what she would demand. So ignoring all the rules he had previously made for himself, Jason mumbled, "Truth."

Edna looked disappointed, and Jason knew he had made the right choice, until she said, "Where is the weirdest place you've had sex?"

Jason's mind immediately went to the Batcave, but he couldn't exactly say that. So instead, he said, "A cable car." He left out the fact that it had been in China, or that Dick had given him an extremely dissapointed look which told Jason that he was not as subtle as he had been hoping. As far as he knew, Bruce still didn't know, and he hoped that it stayed that way.

A pounding on the cell made all of them turn. An obese and annoyed looking cop stood there with his arms crossed. "You can make your phone call now kid."

Jason stood up and stretched. "Jack truth or dare?"

The Jack of Spades grumbled at his new nickname but didn't comment. "Dare."

"I dare you to act like your favorite Disney princess for the rest of the game." Rolling his eyes at the impatient cop, Jason said, "I'll be right back. Keep playing."

Jason walked away with the grumpy cop prodding his back like he was some sort of idiot that needed directions. Jason could hear that Jack was already acting what Jason thought was supposed to be Belle. Or maybe Elsa? Dick was way better at recognizing Disney princesses.

"There's the phone punk." Jason wondered if this guy was being so rude because he knew who he was, or because he didn't. Jason wasn't about to ask.

Dialing Dick's number, Jason chanted, 'Pick up! Pick up! Pick up!' in his head. Glancing at the clock, He realized that it was 3:30 a.m. Dick was probably in the shower. He really hoped that Bruce was distracted by some villain and was therefore still in the Batcave and had yet to check Jason's room and realize that he was not home.

Right before the voicemail came on, he heard Dick's breathless voice say, "Hello?"

Jason sighed in relief. He was saved. "Dick, it's me."

"Jaybird! It's about time that you called! I know that you're at a party and it's 'uncool' to call and check in with your older brother, but I was getting worried! Alfred said you hadn't called, and I promised you that I wouldn't tell Bruce where you were. He did ask though, I said you were with Roy. I hope that's okay. Oh, I should probably call Roy and tell him before Bruce checks your alibi. Wait. What number are you calling from? That's not your cell phone!"

Jason rolled his eyes. The idiot finally realized. "Look. I need you to pick me up. Discretely. As in without Bruce noticing that you're leaving."

"Sure. Where are you?"

Shit. He really didn't think this through. He forgot that he would actually have to tell Dick the part about him being arrested. The man was going to give him the 'I'm so disappointed in you' look that made him feel smaller than a fucking ant. "Um. That's the thing. I'm at GCPD, and I'm currently using my one phone call."

There was an audible sigh coming from the other side of the line. "Hang on, I'm coming. I gotta put some clothes on, and then sneak out. I better call Roy and tell him your cover story too. Jay, I really wish I was picking you up from some stupid party because you're too drunk to drive home."

Jason felt his gut curdle with guilt. "Yeah. Me too. I'll make it up to you. Just don't tell Bruce."

"Got it. I'll be there in half an hour. Be on your best behavior until then. I don't want to give the GCPD a reason to keep you."

"I will. And Dick? Thanks."

Dick's voice softened. "Your welcome Jaybird."

Hearing a click, and then the dial tone, Jason put the phone back onto the receiver. He then allowed the cop to lead him back to the cell, where everyone was once again arguing. Resuming his spot from earlier, he realized that they were arguing over whether or not Jackson had it in him to be a real vigilante.

After five minutes Jason had enough. "Dude! There's no way you'll survive being a vigilante in Gotham. Do you know how many different kinds of martial arts the Bats know? Not to mention all the resources they have! If you want to be a vigilante and live go to Jump City. The villains there are less hard core."

Jackson looked at him with stars in his eyes. "Thank you Jason. Getting arrested was so worth it because I met you! Now I know what to do with my life. I'm moving as soon as I get out of here!"

Jason was more than a little creeped out. "Since I'm in an advice giving mood, anyone else have questions before my brother springs me from this joint?"

Jack of Spades waved a hand in the air excitedly. "Ooh! Ooh! Me next! Me next!" Seeing Jason's exasperated nod, the man said, "Do you think I have a chance at being a villain?"

"Sure in Jump City. You and Jackson here can be mortal enemies that actually like each other."

Jack of Spade's eyes widened in wonder. "That's a thing?"

Jason rolled his eyes. Didn't these people know anything? "Sure. Think Batman and Catwoman with less sexual tension. Granted, you guys did share a lapdance earlier, so maybe the tension is there."

Alice got up and started to dance around Jason. "You're so smart. I want advice too! I want a boyfriend but nobody gets me! Got anyone in mind?"

Jason stared at her. He did want to set her up with Jarvis Tetch. "Ever hear of a villain by the name of the Mad Hatter? He's always looking for a beautiful blonde named Alice."

Alice sat down and sighed dreamily. Her and Tetch would be the next Joker and Harley. Totally insane but made for each other. In a demented and creepy sort of way.

Trixie sat up straighter and gave him a sultry smile. "How about me, Sugar?"

"Uh...join nympho anonymous? And don't molest heroes? Actually, I'm sure Red Arrow would like it. Just keep harassing him, it'll where him down eventually. And if he asks, you can tell him Jason sent you. He'll know what it means."

Edna looked at him with hunger in her eyes. "Not happening."

Edna pouted. "Fine. How do I not get caught when I establish my gambling ring again?"

Jason thought about it carefully. How could he help prevent her from catching the Old Man's attention? "Make it exclusive and high stakes. And have blackmail on every customer and employee. That way nobody is willing to blab."

"You are such a darling young man. I wish you would take me up on my offer and let me teach you what a real woman likes."

Jason didn't bother to respond. Instead he turned to Tiffany with a raised eyebrow. "How's your kid brother with science and math stuff?"

"Not great."

"How about children?"

Tiffany thought about it before smiling softly. "Really good. He has a good heart."

Jason nodded, thinking. He was in a position to help the kid and his sister. "He into the hard stuff?"

"No, well I don't think so,"

Jason frowned. That was not a good answer. "Look. I can get you a good paying job." Seeing the look of horror on her face, he hastily added, "A real one. You'll probably have to dye your hair a normal color and take out some of your piercings, but the people there will treat you right. And they will put your brother through rehab for you, before employing him in the rehabilitation program."

Tiffany looked at him with suspicion in her eyes, but he could see the hope there too. Just as he was about to explain who he was, the cop from before banged on the bars. "Wayne. Your brother's here."

Jason shot the man a look. "It's Todd. I only use the name Wayne for legal purposes."

The cop rolled his eyes, but didn't comment. Jason turned back to Tiffany and saw her wide eyes. Standing up, Jason cracked his back. "You start Monday. Report to me at 9 a.m. I'll show you the ropes. After lunch, we'll go to the department store and use the company credit card to buy you some work appropriate clothing. We're pretty lax, but the jeans with holes won't work."

Tiffany nodded then shook her head. "Wait. They're booking me. I can't start working on Monday!"

Jason shrugged. "I'll talk to Dick. He will explain your situation to the Commissioner and make sure your brother is put into rehab. He'll be angry at you, and probably say things that he doesn't mean. But once he's clean, he'll get it. Right now all he can think about is his next fix. He can't see how he's hurting you."

Tiffany nodded tearfully. "Thanks. You're the first person that's really seen me since my parents died."

Uncomfortable, Jason shifted his weight. "Yeah. Sure. Whatever."

Suddenly there was a crashing noise and a yell. "Jason! You're not being murdered back there are you? If you aren't, I'd appreciate it if you could hurry up!"

Jason sighed. "That would be my ride. I'll see you Monday Tiffany. As for the rest of you, you're not complete losers, which is more than I was suspecting considering we met in a jail cell."

Giving one last chin nod, Jason followed the cop to where Dick was waiting. "Jason! You're okay!"

"Of course I am Dickhead! Did you think I couldn't handle myself?"

Dick looked momentarily embarrassed. "Can we go home now?" The unsaid before Bruce realizes that we're gone was quite clear.

Jason took a deep breathe. "Well, actually, I need you to talk to the Commissioner for me. You see, I made friends. And one of them took the fall for her brother, and she needs help. I offered her a job and said we could get her brother in rehab."

Dick rubbed his temples tiredly. "Did her brother do anything besides use illegal substances?"

"Well he stole some shit."

"Let me guess, they found said 'shit' in her appartment."

Jason ran a hand through his hair. When Dick put it that way, it sounded pretty bad. "Well yeah."

"How old's the kid?"

"Fifteen."

Dick sighed deeply. "Let's go talk to Commissioner Gordon. You owe me so big for this."

Jason cheered internally as Dick led the way to the Commissioner's office.

###

Jason started to tune out his brother and Jim Gordon the moment he walked through the door. Well actually, he started to tune them out as soon as Dick said, "Do you know what could have happened to Jason if people had figured out he was a Wayne?" He wasn't exactly eager to hear that argument. Instead, he took out his phone and checked his text messages. He had multiple from Bruce and one from Roy. Deciding to ignore Bruce for now, he texted Roy back.

Roy: Dick said you needed an alibi

Jason: Yes

Roy: May I ask why?

Jason: Went to a party against Bruce's wishes

Jason: Proceeded to get arrested

Roy: Seriously? Why didn't you sneak out a back window?

Jason: Because my tipsy mind decided that it was better to punch the cop

Roy: You're an idiot

Jason: I pride myself in that

Roy: If the Bat calls, I'll tell him we've been playing Call of Duty all night

Jason: Thanks bro

Roy: What should I say when he asks to talk to you

Jason: That after a dare to drink a cocktail of different sodas and other items from your fridge and cabinets I am puking my guts out

Roy: Gross

Jason: Which is why the Old Man won't ask further questions

Roy: Genius

Jason: I know

Roy: Gotta go. Ollie is calling. Apparently Dinah is mad at him

Jason: Go play love doctor

Roy: Shithead

Jason: Fucker

Jason locked his phone just in time to hear Dick say, "Commissioner Gordon, he's a minor. We both know that he will be sentenced to juvie and when he gets released he will commit worse offenses. We want to put him in the Wayne Rehabilitation Program. He will be at a secure rehab facility before working as a delivery boy or daycare personnel at Wayne Corp. He'll also be required to have weekly visits with one of our counselors to check in on his progress and his state of mind. If it were to make you feel better, I'm sure the guardian, who is currently in your jail for a crime her brother committed, would be willing to force him to wear a tracking device."

Jason waited impatiently for the Commissioner's reply. "Fine. But he gets in trouble again, and I'll push to have him tried as an adult. We'll let the sister go now too. But that boy better be sent to rehab right now. He will run if he gets word."

Dick nodded solemnly and ushered Jason outside. "Let's wait for your friend. I'll call the orderlies at the Thomas Wayne Memorial Rehabilitation Center. They'll meet us at her address."

When Dick's phone started to ring, both boys looked at it with wide eyes. Only one person would be calling them at this time. Jason shook his head frantically, but Dick just rolled his eyes and answered it. "Hi Bruce! What are you doing calling me at this time at night?...What am I doing? Well, an old friend called me for help. She sounded real desperate, so I went to pick her up from the Police Station. Apparently she was mugged!...Her name? Why you want to know?...Bruce! Don't you dare! I trust her, you don't need to confirm her story!...Jason? He's with Roy…...I don't know what they're doing! Call Roy. Seriously, Jason doesn't tell me everything…...Okay, you can be suspicious if you want…...I'll see you when I get home…...Yeah yeah. I'll drive safely….Bye Bruce."

Turning to Jason, Dick crossed his arms. "If I hadn't answered, he would have checked the trackers. I got your back Jason. Don't ever doubt that."

That was when Tiffany came out. She looked between Jason and Dick curiously and Jason took that as his cue to walk over to her. "So. First of all, this is my brother Dick. He managed to convince the Commissioner to let you and your brother off the hook, if he goes into rehab tonight. That, and if he commits another crime he will be tried as an adult no matter what his age is."

Tiffany nodded tearfully. Dick smiled gently and said, "Hi Tiffany. Jason's told me a lot about you. I can give you a ride home if you'd like. The orderlies from the Thomas Wayne Memorial Rehabilitation Center are going to meet us there."

Tiffany stared at the two brothers before taking a rubber band out of her pocket and tying her hair back sloppily. Tendrils slipped out and she tucked them behind her ears roughly. "I'll take a cab. That rehab center is expensive isn't it? I don't think I can afford it."

Dick narrowed his eyes at her and stared. Tiffany shifted nervously from foot to foot before beginning to bite her nails. Jason was about to hit his brother and tell him to knock it off, when Dick's whole face lit up and he snapped his fingers. "I got it! You're Tiffany Carlon! You won a scholarship from the Wayne Foundation for 'Scientific Achievement' but turned it down because you wouldn't be able to work if you went to school! Oh man! We can stick her down in R&D and she'll be in nerd heaven. That, and she can keep the whole punk look she has going on. It really suits you by the way."

Tiffany blinked. Jason couldn't help but laugh. Dick certainly had a way of saying the unexpected. Turning back to her, Jason answered her earlier concern. "The Wayne Foundation pays for a certain number of people to get treatment every year. Granted, the VIP clients get better amenities, but it's a hell of a lot better than state run rehab facilities."

Tiffany nodded. "Okay. I'll call the cab. I'll see you guys Monday."

Dick nodded and shook her hand. When Tiffany let go, she found that she had a crisp hundred dollar bill sticking out of the front pocket of her jeans. "For the cab." Dick clarified before she got the wrong idea.

With that, Dick dragged Jason out of the building. Jason barely had time to yell 'bye' before the precinct doors swung shut behind him.

Dick had parked around the corner, and the boys walked in relative silence to the car. Suddenly Jason groaned. "Oh man. How are we going to explain to Bruce that you picked me up? You said you were helping your mugged friend at the precinct and Roy told Bruce that I was busy puking my guts out."

"Shit. Uh, Roy couldn't handle you and sent you to the Gotham zeta beam forgetting about the one in the Batcave. Panicking at the thought of what Bruce would do to him, he called me to pick you up. I was leaving the precinct so I just swung by and got you."

Jason stared at his older brother. "You're good at the whole lying to Bruce thing."

Dick rolled his eyes. "I spent a while as an only child Jason. I didn't have you guys there to cover my back. When I snuck out and was caught I had to make my own excuses, I didn't have a brother or two to cover my back. Though Alfred did help me once or twice when I went on a date and Bruce was in his whole 'You're too young to date' phase."

Jason snorted. "That was a thing? Did you remind him that he's one to talk?"

"Yup. And it got me grounded every single time."

The two brothers shared a laugh before climbing into Dick's car. They had come up with a convincing lie, now they just had to convince Bruce that it was the truth.

###

Bruce watched as his two sons climbed the stairs and fist bumped. They had told him a convincing story of coincidences and happenstance, that under normal circumstances he might have been inclined to believe because Dick was the one telling it and not Jason. However, these were not normal circumstances.

Alfred came over and handed him a cup of hot chocolate. Sending the faithful butler a grateful look, Bruce asked, "Do you think I should tell them that the Commissioner called and apologized for locking Jason up in the communal holding cell?"

The butler's eyes sparkled slightly as he drolly said, "Best let them think they got one over you Sir. Perhaps the Young Master will feel comfortable confiding in Master Dick again the next time he is in trouble. Master Dick would surely tell you if it was something that he couldn't handle, or if he felt uncomfortable. I'm sure that allowing them this small victory will only strengthen their bond."

Bruce's lips twitched. "As usual, you are correct Alfred. But perhaps I can harass Harper. He did after all, send my sick son to the wrong location in Gotham."

"I would expect no less of you, Sir."

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Jason got a call a week later from Roy. "Next time you need an alibi, call someone else! Your father is insane! And thanks for siccing a crazy nympho molester on my ass. She's determined to have my children!" Abruptly, the dial tone rang in Jason's ear. Furrowing his eyebrows, Jason stared at his phone. What was his problem?

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A/N: I got so many wonderful character ideas from you guys. I literally printed out three pages of reviews from the site and read and reread all the characters until I narrowed it down. It was so hard though. Thank you all so so much.

So special thanks to:

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WazupRose for Jackson Barns the wannabe vigilante (Sorry that your name wasn't here originally, I just realized that the sight deleted it due to the period)

Summer Breeze for Tiffany Carlon the caring sister and very punk chick

Princess0Bunny for Alice Liddell the upbeat future psycho

WhenUniversesCollide for Edna Bealton the gambling and very inappropriate old lady

Question The Facts for Jack of Spades, a villain as hard core as the Condiment King

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FanficReader1212 for Trixie Lockland the nympho who loves heroes

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And thanks to everyone else who submitted an idea:

Blue Heart Burning, PiperGrayson, Spider-Bat, roxassoul, Marykate, FanficReader1212, The Best Guest, LoveMuffins, YuGiOhLover09 and LilOtaku

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Rest assured there are plenty more stories to come, so please keep reading! OMG. I just realized that the next chapter is the 50th. Do I get a special prize or something? Besides the warm and tingling feeling that even after 50 chapters people are still reading my story, reviewing it and favoriting it, because believe me that is more than enough. Anyways, most of you don't read the author's note, so I'll just let you get back to whatever fanfic you were planning on reading next!