Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty-One

Well, that was a double-checkpoint, so to speak. Thanks to everyone who has supported me up until now. The story still has this and that to go, because few things are so convenient as to work themselves out after just one kiss. But we've come a long way, all the same.


And then tomorrow.

When I awoke, there was a white-haired ghost sitting by my side.

"Good morning, Natsuki-chan."

I groaned, rubbing my forehead. "You people have way too much spare time."

"Sorry about that," Viola said playfully. "But I don't normally start work for half an hour, so I thought I'd stop by."

"What time is it?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"Five to seven," Saaya said promptly. "I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that, of course."

"Hideko is waking up Shizuru, naturally," Viola added.

"Great, just great," I mumbled, turning over in bed and burying my face in the pillow. "This is a holiday, you know…"

"And Mai-chan's been up for half an hour. She works very hard, doesn't she?"

"Give me five minutes," I said, half to myself. Damn, but when do these two get up, anyway? Whenever I see them, they're perfectly dressed, often looking down at me and grinning. It's unnatural. Do they go to bed early or something?

More importantly, what is Mai thinking? Honestly, she says I'm reckless, but she always goes too far as well. Between one person and another, it's pretty clear I won't get a full night's sleep at all this holiday. No wonder Shizuru always says she's tired.

I'd been having a good dream, too. Not that I can remember it or anything.

This is the real world, though, and real memories always displace dreams in my head. Like, I confessed to and kissed Shizuru. In Shinri's study. What the hell was I thinking? If he'd come in at the wrong moment, that would have been seriously awkward. Talk about losing track of time… and I can't believe some of the things I said, either. I'm not a sappy person, damnit, so it isn't natural for her to make me talk like that! Aside from that, is this really safe? I mean, the stereotypes about angry fathers is a lot less funny when you happen to know said father owns a genuine katana. And he can use it.

None of that's really too important, though. I'm just picking on the details because, frankly, I've never felt comfortable with being happy. Before now, any residue feelings of contentment and peace I've felt are swiftly followed by divine intervention stabbing me in the back. But, what the hell. It's a new day. I'm Shizuru's something, girlfriend I guess, and that's good. It means things should be less awkward, now, and it also means we can do interesting things together. Like that whole kiss stuff. I don't think I'm very good, but I'm not against learning or anything. Plus, most importantly, she's now officially mine. She's not allowed to just swan off to university and forget me any more, damnit! I'll seriously be holding her to that. I've spent this long chasing after her, so she's not allowed to escape just like that.

I frowned slightly, keeping my eyes closed for the moment. Yeah, things have really changed now, haven't they? It's a bit scary, but also exciting. I'm pretty much outside my areas of experience, but if it's us two, it'll work out somehow. I'm certain of that, so I'm happy right now.

Alright. Time to get up. Honestly, this is the worst.

I forced myself to sit up, rubbing my eyes. "Right. Fine. And before you ask, I'm wearing my own clothes today, okay?"

"We never thought of anything else," Saaya said innocently.

"I'm sure," I said sarkily, standing on shaky legs. Pain shot up my thigh. Shit. Yeah, some things don't disappear no matter how your life circumstances have changed.

"Do you need to change that bandage?" Saaya asked swiftly. "I can do it."

"It'll keep," I said dismissively. "I'm healing up pretty fast."

"Hmm," Saaya said, apparently unconvinced. "What do you think, Viola?"

"Sorry, Natsuki-chan," Viola said innocently. "If Saaya thinks so, I might have to insist. You're in our care right now, after all."

I groaned. "Fine, fine. But I can do it myself, you know. I'll take care of it later."

"If you're sure, but it can't be easy for you." Saaya shrugged. "There's not many girls your age experienced in treating stab-wounds."

"What, are you?" I asked, reading for the wardrobe and trying to find some clean underwear. Of course, there was far too much of it, which still makes me feel weird. Normally I'm shy, but Viola can't see anything and they're both old women anyway. It's all good.

"Not particularly. But I've treated various injuries before, and I do have training."

"Well, Mai's had training too, and Shizuru apparently. Wouldn't be surprised if Reito and Mikoto could do this stuff too, at least for themselves. We're overqualified people, remember that." I frowned. Good. No one had stolen my jeans for washing while I'd slept. Trousers of any kind aren't in the female Fujino vocabulary, which is a pain for someone like me.

"So it would seem," Viola said, sounding vaguely amused. "You know, Shinri's a little impressed with you all. I've been hearing less about the low calibre of the new generation, which is rather refreshing."

"Ha. Does Mikoto have anything to do with it?" I grabbed one of my tank tops and headed for the bathroom. "I'll be back in a minute."

"Of course. Take your time," Viola replied.

But honestly, those two go where they like. Have they ever done this with Mai, or am I a "lucky" person to receive this kind of attention? I sighed, dressing quickly. The strange thing is that I'm really, genuinely used to it by now. And I don't actually mind. Strange that.

Is this normal? To be woken up by someone like this? I don't really remember my parents, but it feels like that might be the case. I dunno. Maybe this is what it's like to have a mother.

Just for comparison, though, damnit. There's no way my mother was ever this weird. She had a labcoat, not a kimono, and she worked hard. Even so, she looked after me. And then she sold me to Searrs for a ridiculous amount of cash. Shit.

I'm not going to dwell on that stuff. There's no significance to what Viola and Saaya do, they're just that kind of people. Like Shizuru, they tend to hang around anything and anyone they find interesting without deigning to explain. I should be flattered by the attention, but it's just that for now.

More importantly, they might know about Shizuru. And while I'm not as worried as she is, because Viola isn't my mother, whether I like her or not, I can see why that could be a problem. I mean, if I end up being thrown out of the house or something like that. Sure, they seem like pretty nice people, but I guess I shouldn't just take that for granted. And however one looks at it, socially speaking, we're in a difficult situation. That bastard, too, with his cryptic comments… I wonder what Shizuru made of that. In any case, I don't have strong feelings about this one. If they suspect, let them. If they confront us, that's also fine. If they approve they approve and if not they'll be getting to Shizuru through me. As far as I'm concerned, it's a simple situation.

Shizuru sees all of this in a more complex light, though. So I have to appreciate that perspective of hers.

In any case, I could hear her, just about, talking to Hideko. It beats me as to what they're actually talking about. Saaya and Viola were also speaking about something, in a low voice so I couldn't hear. Knowing them, chatting about dresses. But I'll admit, at least, Shizuru's mother could have turned out a lot worse, from my perspective. I can at least survive Shinri, and then several of what are probably my friends are here. Also Reito and Shiho, of course, but Shizuru seems to get on a lot better with those two. Go figure. And, of course, Shizuru herself. It's also been four days since someone last tried to kill me, and there are no supernatural monsters at all! This is a good time for me, I guess.

If today is the day for taking stock, I guess I'll be forced to concede that somehow, things have turned out pretty good for me. The main danger of being around here is that they tend to force me into dressing strangely. But not today! Therefore, today is officially perfect.

When I returned, they both looked at me, and stopped talking. "That was fast," Saaya remarked.

"So I don't take an hour to get ready," I retorted lazily. "That's why I can afford to sleep in a bit. I'll bet you that Shizuru's still agonising over her wardrobe.

"That's likely, indeed," Viola agreed. "On that note, Natsuki-chan, how was Shizuru yesterday? Shinri said he thought you should be the one to clear things up."

"It was fine," I said, trying not to sound off-balance. Don't blush. Don't blush.

"That's good. She'd been acting strange all day, and it was really worrying me." Viola glanced up at me. "What was upsetting her, in the end? Or can't you tell me?"

"Uhm. I don't know how much I should say without her permission. It's like a confessional, right?" I pushed my hair back over my shoulders. "Besides, you can ask her yourself, can't you? I'd be more comfortable with that."

"I suppose you're right," Viola conceded gently. "But you know, it always makes a mother sad. Even so, it's inevitable that I'm not always the right person to comfort Shizuru, now she's a young adult."

"Oh, don't take it so hard," I said, trying to sound comforting. "It wasn't anything important, really. You know Shizuru, she tends to get worked up about strange things anyway…"

"You know her well. In any case, we're counting on you." Viola stood, folding her hands into her sleeves, and looked at me thoughtfully. "If you ever need anything, come to me. In that regard, you can think of yourself as Shizuru."

"Just remember that we never gave Shizuru much pocket-money either," Saaya said playfully.

"Thanks," I said, blinking. "I'll bear that in mind. You know me, though, I always end up doing things my way…"

"That's why it's safe for me to make a promise like that," Viola teased. "In any case, Shizuru's probably waiting. For my part, I'm going to go and work out the final details with Mai-chan. She's a very dependable girl."

"Seriously. Sometimes I think she should go into business as a party co-ordinator. Or else a teacher." Preferably in primary school. I dread to think what the average teenage boy would make of her.

Viola nodded and smiled, before departing smoothly. Saaya waved over her shoulder before following after.

Like I said, they come and go as they please. It's a strange habit. Either way, I walked the short distance needed to bring me into Shizuru's room, opening the door without thinking. Luckily, they were already on the socks by the time I'd arrived.

Shizuru looked over her shoulder at me, smiling brightly. "Good morning, Natsuki."

I grinned back. "Yo. Taking your sweet time again, right?"

"Just a little," Shizuru said. "What does Natsuki think? Is it nice?"

She probably would have twirled if it wasn't for the fact that Hideko was entangled in her knees. Another white sundress, albeit one with a longer skirt this time. "It looks good," I said honestly.

"Thank you. I have a hat as well, this time." She leaned down as Hideko stood back deftly, putting it on her head. It was one of those big, floppy sun-hat type things.

I put a hand on my hip, sighing. "You're really going all out, aren't you?"

"Well, I have a reason," Shizuru returned, taking it off her head again and shaking her hair out. "Hideko agreed this with Okasama before."

"And you're fine with it, of course. It makes me feel under-dressed. Just don't go into the kitchen like that. I think Mikoto could stain it just by looking."

"I suppose you have a point," Shizuru admitted. "But I can always wear an apron. Besides, will Natsuki be joining me in that?"

"Not unless you really want to see those policemen again, this time on charges of poisoning," I said wryly. "In terms of cooking, aren't we as bad as each other?"

"Well, quite. It's a bit of a problem, really." Shizuru knelt slightly, adjusting her socks. "Thanks for your help, Hideko. It's much appreciated."

"It's nothing. Well, then." She bowed her head, then left.

"Honestly, still so spoiled," I said teasingly.

"And you aren't? You said so yourself, and we're in the same household." Shizuru glanced at me for a moment, then stepped back, stretching elegantly. "Irrespective of that it's rare for you to be up so early."

"Hardly," I said, trying to sound annoyed. "Right now, the opposite is true. That's my problem."

"I suppose so. But that reminds me, I really do need to make you study again, don't I?"

"Not really," I said. "We should just have fun for now, right? There's still plenty of time."

"Nice try, but I need to be a responsible person," Shizuru replied. "You need to work hard."

"Honestly, only you'd think about something so dull at a time like this," I said, folding my arms.

"At the time of a picnic?" Shizuru replied innocently. "I don't particularly like them, so it's not unusual."

I pouted. "Not that, idiot."

Shizuru walked towards me. "Hmm. You look cute like that, after all."

I flushed slightly. "You're in a good mood, aren't you?"

"Should I be sad?" Shizuru touched my shoulder lightly. "In any case, we'd better go to breakfast, right?"

I turned, trying not to grin. "Sure, fine. But you're really going too far, considering how gloomy you were before."

"It's fine, isn't it?" Shizuru asked playfully. "Or does Natsuki prefer my gloomy side?"

"No, I prefer this!"

"Exactly." Shizuru smiled warmly.

"Typical," I said, attempting to sound hurt. We walked side-by-side.

"In any case, if you say this is fast you wouldn't be wrong," Shizuru said more quietly. "I'm still taking some time to adjust myself. But you were completely serious, right?"

"Of course," I said. "It would be a pretty weird joke."

"Well, quite." Shizuru looked up. "It's difficult for me to make sense of this at short-notice, you know. That's why I have to ask. But, I'm happy."

"I'd be kinda pissed off if you were sad," I pointed out.

"And rightly so. But if it were anyone else, I'd question your judgement, you know. Natsuki is a slightly strange person, after all." Shizuru shrugged. "But you're you, after all. You always make up your own mind, so I won't waste your time saying how kind you are, or how lucky I am. You don't want that, right?"

"Well, a little of the latter would be fine," I quipped. "I'm not objecting to that."

Shizuru chuckled. "I'll bear that in mind."

"Anyway, a picnic, is it?" I asked conversationally. "We aren't the only people who settle things quickly around here. Or, maybe we're slow, I guess…"

"Okasama seems enthusiastic. I'm not surprised. She doesn't leave the house very often." Shizuru glanced at me. "Imagine how you feel now, I suppose. Then project that thirty years into the future."

"Ouch," I said sympathetically. "That much be hard on her."

"I imagine so, they I wouldn't know myself," Shizuru said. "If any case, if there's anything I can do to help, I will."

"Right. I guess I owe it to Mai, as well."

"Touching on another note," Shizuru said quietly, looking away. "I'm sure I don't need to say it, but insofar as it's possible I'd like our relationship to be a secret. Especially from my parents."

'Our relationship'. She makes it sound so scary. "Sure, fine," I returned neutrally. "I don't mind too much either way, but if that's what you want. Oh, but I'll tell Mai, at least. I owe it to her, considering she encouraged me a lot."

Shizuru nodded. "If you like."

"How about you?" I asked curiously. "Are you going to tell anyone?"

"Hmm. I'm not sure," Shizuru said thoughtfully.

"You probably want to tell Reito, don't you?" I teased. "That'd shut him up. You can if you like… or maybe I'll tell him, instead."

"I'll tell him," Shizuru said. "I think I probably also owe that to him, though that case is more ambivalent. In any case, it's something I'll deal with myself."

"Whatever you say," I replied.

Shizuru stopped for a moment, glancing at me.

"What?"

"Nothing much," Shizuru replied. "I'm still trying to grasp this circumstance… it has a very dreamlike quality to it."

"I'll pinch you and we'll see," I said. "Besides, it's not like I did this completely out of the blue. When did you first suspect?"

"It never even crossed my mind, I'm afraid," Shizuru confessed. "Or if it did I put it instantly out of mind as hopeless, groundless optimism. I was far too busy confirming that I'd be just your friend, and worrying about myself…"

"I guess so. Well, I only worked things out recently myself. Yesterday, to be honest." I folded my arms. "Though I'd been thinking about it before, okay? I'm certain, too, so you don't need to worry about that."

"I'll try my best not to worry," Shizuru said. She stopped, glancing at me, and sighed. "It's not like I'm particularly proud of my recent self. So it's not just for this that I'm trying, either. I think that would give the wrong impression."

"It's not like I'm particularly worried. Hey, were you even listening to me last night?" I chided, smirking at her.

"I must confess I got lost after the visit to Kyoto Station. But you ended up commanding my full attention," Shizuru said wryly.

"Scared?"

"More shocked than scared, I think," Shizuru said. "But in a good way, if you know what I mean."

I chuckled. "I'm sure. I was scared out of my mind… I'm never gonna say anything bad about Mai's indecisiveness ever again."

"What? Did you think I'd reject you?" Shizuru asked, giving me an amused look. "I know you always say you're bad at reading signs, Natsuki, but that's a little much."

"Well, you never know," I said defensively. "Rationality doesn't come into it… or what you think some times, damnit."

"Hmm. You have a point, but-" Shizuru stopped abruptly as one of the maids came past, pushing some kind of trolley with food on it. "Well, it's done now," she finished instead.

"We can talk about this later," I suggested. "I don't know about you, but I still have a lot to say."

"That's a good idea. And you're not wrong, either." Shizuru smiled. "Until then, let's have an interesting day."

"Fine by me," I agreed.

And if I was to do this again, I'd choose a time where we could have done this before. Never mind.

To my surprise, there were already quite a few people in the dining room when we arrived. It was also moderately busy.

"What do you mean, you can't cook!" Mai said loudly. "You can at least help out! I'm sick and tired of you relying on me for free meals anyway! So, for the last- oh. Hello, you two."

"Morning," I said, raising my eyebrows.

"Good morning, everyone," Shizuru said, smiling pleasantly.

"Natsuki, you're fine with helping me cook, right?" Mai demanded sharply.

"But, I thought we agreed that I couldn't do it-" I began.

"It's no wonder you can't do it if you never even try!" Mai snapped imperiously. "I'm tired of excuses!"

"If you want us to help or even take care of it, that's more than possible," Saaya said diplomatically.

"There's no need for us to trouble you when we already rely on your hospitality," Mai said firmly. "Isn't that right, everyone?"

Mikoto was currently sitting under her chair with her hands over her head, which neatly illustrates the reasons behind an astoundingly unanimous reply. The wrath of the strongest Hime isn't a laughing matter, after all.

"I'm not sure how much help I'll be, but I'm willing to try," Shizuru said calmly, sitting down in her place.

"It's very kind of you to offer, Shizuru-san," Mai said, with a sudden serenity. "All the same, you should take it easy. This is one way we can show your family gratitude for letting us stay."

"There's no need to feel that way," Shizuru began, before stopping herself. "But I'm sure we appreciate the gesture, all the same. It's very kind of you."

"This is nothing," Mai said smoothly. "In any case, you can help me, can't you? Yuichi, Natsuki?"

"Yes, Mai," Tate said tiredly. He rubbed his forehead.

"Tch. Fine," I replied, as petulantly as I dared. I sat down next to Shizuru. "Let's eat breakfast first, though. There's no need to get excited so early in the morning."

And that was that, as far as my independence for the rest of the morning was concerned. It was only when were walking to the kitchen some time after breakfast that something occurred to me, and then the others. Our members being Sergeant Mai, Tate and I as conscripts and Shiho the volunteer, we'd developed an axis of awkwardness. That wasn't helped by the fact that Tate was still sulking, of course. And I might have been sulking, just a bit. Just a 5 sulk, nothing dramatic. And Mai was still pissed.

Either way, obvious conversation eluded me.

"What were you really doing yesterday, anyway?" Shiho asked me pointedly. "You never gave us a clear answer. And Shizuru-san was worried, you know."

"Nothing much," I replied defensively. "It's fine, isn't it?"

Shiho gave me a piercing look. "It's strange, going off on your own."

"It's normal when you want to think. Besides, I've already talked to Shizuru about it."

"I see," Shiho said thoughtfully.

"More than that, isn't it strange to worry?" Tate asked. "I never get what Fujino-san's thinking."

"You're just insensitive, Onii-chan," Shiho said dismissively. "How would you feel if Mai disappeared for a day without giving a real reason?"

"I wouldn't really mind," Tate said absently.

"Oh, really?" Mai asked sharply.

"Well, what am I supposed to think?" Tate demanded. "It's about trust, damnit! Trust!"

"Then show a more positive tone, at least! You're talking about me as if I'm a cucumber or something!"

"Where did the cucumbers thing come from?" Tate asked. "Come to that, what's wrong with them? Do you have something against them?"

"You should at least attempt to take me seriously!"

I grimaced, sighing. "Alright, can we just calm down, already? It's not like any of this stuff really matters."

"Of course it matters," Mai said hotly.

"Right! I feel sorry for Shizuru-san!" Shiho added.

"You two are just being over-dramatic," Tate said. "Right, Kuga-san?"

I just groaned. This was supposed to be a good day.

"In any case," Mai said, with some effort. "Let's just concentrate on making lunch, already. Everyone is counting on us, remember?"

"Why us?" Tate asked. "Senpai could help too, at least."

"Reito spends a lot of time babysitting Mikoto for us, so we have to thank him as well," Mai said firmly.

"Isn't that just normal when they're siblings? No, more than that, why exactly do we look after her the rest of the time anyway? She has a brother now…"

"That's inconsiderate," Mai said. "Mikoto's at that age, right? She needs far more family than just an elder brother. Besides, I happen to like having her around."

"Well, so do I, I'm just saying that doesn't mean we owe senpai," Tate insisted. "He always gets out of these things!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I wonder what "that age" means with reference to Mikoto. She still acts like a twelve-year old Viking rather than anything more sincerely troubling.

"Well, if you put half of the effort you've spent on whining into helping me out, we should be done quickly enough," Mai said shortly, glaring at Tate. "We should concentrate on that for now."

"Yes, yes," Tate replied briefly, with just a hint of sarcasm.

"In any case, we're here," Mai said, knocking.

"So this is where they keep the kitchens," I mused. "You know, it sounds bad to say this, but I didn't actually know where it was very clearly. Like Shizuru, I kinda took it for granted."

"I borrowed a corner from time to time to make snacks for Mikoto," Mai said idly. "I doubt anyone else of us knew, so don't feel too bad."

"I'll bear that in mind," I said, bemused.

"Excuse us for intruding," Mai said, bowing to the cook. "Would it be alright if we borrow a corner for about an hour?"

That hour was an optimistic estimate, especially after Tate burned the eggs twice and Mikoto stopped by to steal some fish. The strange thing was, she's best friends with that cook or something. I suppose it's true that they both have something in common, but still.

And I don't get Mai and Tate, either. They spent half an hour in mutual silence, then after some critical point I must have missed they suddenly started talking again and before I knew it Mai was laughing at one of Tate's jokes and all was right with the world. It's bipolar or something. But I'll admit I did pay more attention to them than I would normally. I mean, at least they've lasted this long. I absolutely refuse to believe that I could learn from Tate, but Mai is different. Of course, Shizuru is also different, so I may be wasting my time. But the principle is sound.

In any case, it looks like there's no need for me to stop calling her an idiot any time soon. Mai does that a lot.

It was also a pretty frustrating time, actually, and not just because I'm hopeless at cooking. But just occasionally- very occasionally with me, but this is one of those times- you have something really good you want to tell someone, and if you don't get the chance you end up feeling you'll just collar the nearest person and make them listen to tirade how wonderful your new cat/television/motorbike or whatever is. And I seriously wanted to tell Mai. She wasn't just a random person, she was the designated person, the one who would definitely nod, make all the right noises and avoid falling asleep to my face. Further to that, she was between one and ten feet away for at least an hour and a half. You'd think that would be an ideal chance, but it wasn't like I could just drop it into everyday conversation. And, of course, Shizuru had made me promise to be discreet. Otherwise I'd probably just forget social convention and drop it into the conversation without regard for my surroundings.

And just like every time when you have something really important, witty and life changing to say but your stupid friends are hogging the conversation, I was going mad with frustration listening to an awkward conversation about Shiho's manga. I ended up taking the direct approach. "Hey, Mai, can I talk to you for a second?"

"What? Have you burned the fish?" Mai asked.

I winced. "No, damnit. Just listen, okay." I dragged her away from the other two, and glared at them warningly. "You two aren't allowed to listen! Just carry on with whatever it is you're doing!"

"Whatever," Shiho replied irritably. "It's not like I care about what you're saying or anything."

"Well?" Mai asked expectantly, glancing at me.

I turned to face her, lowering my voice. "You know how I went out yesterday, right?"

Mai nodded.

"I was using that to think about everything. You know. And I ended up deciding, so, basically… uh… me and Shizuru are, you know." I flushed. "Girlfriends. In that sense."

"What, so you really went through with that?" Mai asked, all innocent enthusiasm. "Congratulations!"

"Not so loud," I said belatedly, looking up.

"So what's happened?" Tate asked. Shiho, while feigning disinterest, also watched intently.

"Natsuki's finally-" I managed to cut her off before she could say anything else, a process expedited by a firm elbow applied to the stomach.

"Nothing," I said brightly. "I'll tell you later."

"You're so shy," Mai said, rubbing her side. "That's pretty cute."

"That's not for me, you know," I said quickly, glaring pointedly in the direction of the cook. "Be a bit more careful, considering the circumstances, okay."

"Fine, fine. I was just teasing you anyway." Mai grinned, patting my arm. "Good work, anyway. I'll keep your secret for now."

I groaned, stepping away. This had to be deliberate. "Anyway, I'll tell you more later," I said. "You probably want to hear the detail."

"Nothing too graphic," Mai said innocently. "I'm not sure if I could stomach that."

"Mai!" I snapped.

She giggled. "Alright, alright. Let's get back to work. Thanks for telling me, though."

"No problem," I said, slightly mollified.

"I thought Shizuru-san was energetic this morning-"

"Shut up, already!"

Mai just smiled at me, a reminder of every crack I'd ever made about her and Tate. Yeah, payback really is a bitch. But I'll live with it. That's what friends are for, apparently.

And, frankly, I'm glad that I can tell someone who doesn't disapprove. Mai has a refreshingly simple perspective, and it suits me fine. I'd expect no less of my friend. And it's probably necessary for me to be able to talk to her from time to time, the way she talks to me, if I'm annoyed or upset or worried, and calm myself down. That's also something she owes me.

The problem is whether Shizuru can do that, as well. But it'll probably turn out okay, anyway.