Spoiler: references of audio book Slow decay, episode Captain Jack Harkness
Beta-ed: TattoedLibrarian
Tosh was light headed the next few days. It wasn't justified really, but she couldn't help it. She smiled a lot. Part of it was the fact that she would see her family. She didn't have the chance to be with them often. Since Jack saved her from prison she had work to do, a responsibility to redeem her freedom. But it wasn't the only thing that kept her in the Hub at all waking hours. It was a sense of pride and competence, a sense of her own ability to do almost the impossible. It was like her life before her mother's abduction had been a waste of talent. It was horrifying thing to think, but she couldn't deny the truth. Jack could see her brilliance and he gave her a problem that could bring that kind of brilliance out of her. Before she was wasted on frivolous tasks, her potential was hidden by her race and gender. After she discovered herself, she felt obligated to do more, to even do things that others didn't think of. She knew those kind of things would come in handy one day.
She rarely indulged herself, or sought out company, so a reunion with her family was like treat for her. They didn't know the extent or content of her job, they just thought she worked in a lab melting components and testing products. It seemed important enough to them, and they still thought of her as the girl they brought up. It was a nice and comforting feeling. It gave her that needed sense of connection.
All said it was nice and true, but there was one more reason for her good humour. It was embarrassing really, but she was always true to her feelings. Gwen and Owen were most definitely over with their messing around. That gave her space to breathe and she didn't have to look out for their whereabouts, to be careful not to stumble upon them. She didn't have the confidence in those two to behave, to be aware of their surroundings, especially after she heard their thoughts. It wasn't just jealousy, really, she felt excluded and alone in the working area. When Owen messed around with Suzie the feeling had been different. Suzie was such a closed up person that she barely noticed their arrangement and she could count on Jack. Now Jack seemed distracted.
That's why she was surprised when Jack took just her to examine the Rift activity. Was he aware of her thoughts? It wouldn't be strange, but she didn't give in that easily to his new attitude. She was annoyed with his secrets; it was like he didn't trust them. She loved him, she really did, and he was the man that saved her life. She owed him so much. But watching him over the years and trying to figure him out drove her insane. Sure, it was fun in the beginning, but the only thing she learned was his taste in bed, and that didn't tell her anything. All her computer skills were useless; it was like he didn't exist. How had he achieved that? No one was that good at hiding their tracks, there would be too much information to delete. There would be always some small detail that would be overlooked. Some old grade school friend that would reminisce about you on his blog, an old lover that would post a picture of you on their wall, a birth certificate lost in some obscure file when you applied for a job. It was like Jack hadn't worked anywhere else other than Torchwood, but how does one get so skilled to work here? You had to get your knowledge somewhere, you had to grow up somewhere, go to kindergarten.
Maybe all that wouldn't bother her so much if she had an insight to his inner life, if she understood his feelings, but he was closed up like there was a wall around him. Sometimes she would get a sense of his feelings, his smile would drop, but it wouldn't be something she could understand. It seemed like his emotions ran to deep to show. Sometimes he seemed like a child, so playful and innocent, but then she would remember his ruthlessness, his anger, and lack of mercy
She couldn't comprehend the depth of his hatred towards some things. Where had he gotten to be so involved with the Cybermen that he was willing to shoot an innocent and caring person like Ianto, person that Jack fancied. Tosh was sure of that; you couldn't simulate that kind of fascination. Nor could she understand how he could turn his back on people without a shred of regret or hesitation. That Mark person, Owen was quite distressed over, even thou he didn't show it, but Jack, Jack turned around and didn't look back; or how he could be so cold with those people that ate themselves because of that alien? Owen almost flipped out that day; she was surprised that he carried on, that he managed to smile after awhile. Jack acted like it was everyday thing to be consumed by an octopus shaped transmuting alien.
A whole lot of things seemed routine to Jack. Even 1941 seemed like long lost friend. Jack smiled like a child fascinated and happy when he realized where he was. His outfit didn't seemed odd one bit; in fact, it was the place that his clothes belonged to, from his suspenders, trousers, even shirts, not to mention his coat. Nobody gave him a second glance. Owen would have stuck out in this crowd like a clown, and even Ianto wouldn't go by unnoticed in his modern cut suit. Jack moved around relaxed, like he could do no wrong.
She confronted him and he admitted that he had been here before; being here made it easier for her to believe that. Time travel surely existed; it wasn't just a theory, not to her, not anymore. She thought that it was enough, that she was safe, she knew something more about Jack, but then they met the other Captain Jack Harkness. Of course she stumbled upon him in her research, and she had considered that he was their boss, it was possible, after all she did spend one day a year with Tommy, who was from an earlier time than this. If she would go out and look out for him he would be older now, would he remember her? Had he made it or would his time come in the future?
She stopped herself; it wasn't something that would happen anyway, not for her. She got back to chasing after Jack, determined to get the truth out of him, she was fed up with dancing around him. The only thing she found out was that she didn't even know his name. There was something about that, some hidden pain so she didn't push it. Maybe she really didn't want to know who he was before. She had a past too and it was obvious that he kept his new name for a reason.
The thing that she did get was an insight into Jack's real emotions, and they were emotions that she could understand. The love for the man he just met, the sadness toward his inevitable destiny, the future that was their past, the burden he carried around, the burden of other people's faith, like he was responsible for their beliefs. That burden she could comprehend, she carried one of those, the burden of her family, her attempt to keep them safe, to keep them away from the pain and the basement of emotionless entities. She focused on her task of getting them out of there, to her space and time, but when she was done all that was left was to hold Jack's hand and listen. He was so sad and powerless and for the first time she could sense what kept Jack going, what made him so determined. If there was anything he could do to prevent loss and death, he would do it, because when he was faced with inevitable death and destruction his sadness became too deep to bear.
Her heart ached while she watched them dance; two Jacks divided by time, but it was time to go, to get back to their time, their responsibilities, things they could change, a future they didn't know.
Afterward she comfort Jack in the way she could, and she kept her eye on him, but he just wasn't willing to let her in, not really.
