Notes: This chapter is just a whole lot of fun. We like to do those every once in a while in between torturing our characters.


Chapter 52: "Ding, Dong, the Vampire's Gone"


March 25

Tahiti Wing


"Cassie! Cassie Lang!"

Cassie groaned a bit in her sleep, turning over so that she could pull the covers up higher to her shoulders. She was tired out after she and Ororo had run a simulation jumping out of planes, and while it had been incredibly fun, she was also very tired, since she and 'Ro had run it several times and had also practiced being the pilot for jumps.

She supposed that was what she got for mentioning her love of heights in front of Wraith. Rhodey would have just laughed and agreed with her, but that guy found a tactical purpose for it. So rude.

But whoever was at her door just kept knocking insistently and calling her name in a very loud whisper — "Cassie Lang! Sweet, sweet Cassie Lang!" — and now that she was awake, she finally realized who it had to be.

"Wade?" She cracked one eye open and finally pulled off the covers, glancing around for her other sock. She'd been wearing two when she went to sleep… there it was, bunched up underneath the blankets.

She pulled on her second sock, adjusted her pajamas so they weren't hanging off her shoulder, and flattened her hair a bit before she finally came to the door, where Wade was standing there with a full-on beaming grin, his hand still raised to keep knocking — though when he saw her, he quickly abandoned that to sweep her up into a spinning kiss.

She grinned up at him as soon as he let her feet touch the ground again. "What's the occasion?" she had to ask.

"It's monster killing season, and Agent Van Helsing's hunting vampires."

Cassie giggled a bit at that. "I thought we already knew that," she pointed out. "I mean, that's why you're standing here in my doorway kissing me, right?"

"Well. That and …just because I can." He grinned wider. "And I like to. Often."

"Yes, and you should," she had to agree with a grin to match his. "It's kinda fun."

"So, I thought we could spread the good news throughout allll of TAHITI!" He said the last bit with one arm sweeping out as if he was Tanaleer Tivan presenting someone to the world.

"About Agent Van Helsing?" she said, still grinning.

"Yes. About his progress with the evil vampire."

The grin just widened. "What did he do now? I mean, he already got rid of the stupid rules…. And no one has to have sessions with him…"

"Yes," he whispered into her hair as he spun her around one more time. "But his access to the good kids … is non-existent, as I understand it."

Her eyes widened at that, and she glanced up at him, clearly searching his expression for any sign that he was kidding, and when he didn't spring any 'gotcha' on her, she just popped right up on her toes to kiss him and then giggled delightedly. "That's the best news ever!" she declared happily. "We should so spread it. I just…" She glanced down at herself. "Do you think anyone will care I'm in my jams?"

"I sure don't; why would they?" He dropped down and turned his back to her. "Piggyback?"

She started to giggle again as she clasped her arms around his shoulders. "Let me know if you get tired," she teased.

"Yeah, that's not going to happen," he laughed before he just started shouting. "HEAR YE, HEAR YE! Ye evile vampyre hath been BANISH-ED!"

Cassie was giggling madly, still clinging onto Wade's shoulders as he ran up and down the residential halls, and the rest of the Tahiti kids started to poke their heads out in various stages of sleepiness and surprise.

"Define banished!" Sin called after him, her red hair sticking up in places.

"Remov-ed from thine premises here-to-fore," Wade paused, shook his head, and went back to his normal speaking voice. "Well. We don't have to put up with him."

The kids were gathering in the middle of the hallway as the disbelieving grins started up all around. "Is this a temporary thing?" Steve asked.

"Not from what I heard," Clint said with a smirk Wade's way — both of them clearly in on whatever eavesdropping had taken place for the news to spread.

"Are you sure, though?" Carol asked with one eyebrow raised. "I haven't heard anything."

"My precious, Cap-i-tan, it is not April first. I am O-fended that you would even CONSIDER that I would lie to you." Wade looked totally affronted by the suggestion and huffed her way.

Carol held up both of her hands. "Woah, tone it down, Deadpool," she said. "I'm just asking if you've checked your sources here."

"I made a list, checked it twice, know for SURE who's naughty … and nice. And yes, yes my list is clean, my sources and intentions are pure — and it's good, pretty lady. It's so, so good."

"So when do we go find Agent Van Helsing and tackle him?" Ororo asked with a slowly growing smirk.

"I think you need to lead the charge on that, little lady," Wade said. "You are our defacto leader."

"That's right I am," she laughed, lighting up with a little grin when both Steve and Kurt were just nodding as if this had always been the case. She glanced between the expectant faces before she just burst into, "What are we waiting for?" and took off down the hall, with the pajama-clad Tahiti forces just behind her.

Coulson, for his part, had only just arrived at his office and was going over the reports for the morning to gather up a team for a mission in the Capitol when he heard the excited knocking at the door — and knew from the various tempos that it was several people knocking at once. Though he definitely hadn't expected the entirety of the Tahiti program to come bursting through his door, nor had he expected Ororo to lead what basically amounted to a dogpile from the most huggable kids.

"Hail the conquering hero!" Wade declared from somewhere in the middle of the dogpile.

"As much as I appreciate the gesture, I don't know what you think I did," Coulson called out from under the tangle of limbs and laughter. .

"Come on, Van Helsing," Tony said, smirking from a few feet away from the dogpile. "It's not like anyone else could have revoked the vampire's access."

"Actually, I'm not authorized to do that without orders from higher up," Coulson admitted.

"No way," Kate said, wriggling out from under the pile as it started to break up. "Your bosses suck, Coulson. No way."

"Well, Essex sucks too," Clint pointed out reasonably, grinning as he also pulled himself out of the dogpile. Kate gave him a little look, and he gave her a subtle nod, and she just dropped her jaw again.

"I'm not hugging Fury," she told Coulson.

"It'd probably be better if you didn't," Coulson agreed. "He's not in as good of shape as he thought. You might kill him, and we still need him."

"Still," Kurt said as he reached over to Kate to pat her hair down where it had gotten mussed up in the pile. "This is cause for celebration. You should join us."

"We can make origami stakes out of your paperwork," Kate teased.

"And decorate the vacant office," Peter added.

"Line it with silver. Or... tin foil," Cassie offered. "Silver's gotta be hard to find."

"How about you just show me how good you've gotten in your training?" Coulson said, shaking his head. "I've been doing a lot of major prepping topside for some big shindig coming up in a few months. It oughta be a great distraction, I'm told."

Several of the kids pulled faces at the mention of the Games, even a sideways mention, though it was Clint who said, "Sure ... you got a mission in mind, Van Helsing?"

"Not yet, but very very soon. There will be a lot to do in preparation," Coulson replied. "And I think when it happens, you'll like what I have for you to do."


April 1

Vents in the Tahiti Wing


It was way too early to be awake, and Kate had been sure to tell Clint that, but once he'd told her that he had plans for April Fool's, she had to admit that it was worth waking up for.

Of course, step one was a preemptive strike against Wade, who was clearly the most excited for April Fool's, and the two of them crept as quietly as possible through the vents until they got to Wade's room. The last time Kate had been on a mission in Six, she'd brought back a few paints for Steve, but this time, they had a little more than just artist supplies.

Wade was dead to the world asleep when they arrived, though that didn't last very long, as he was one of the few who knew the Hawks had been using the vents for their escapades and had apparently planned for them. He'd rigged a very loud horn and an explosion of glitter in both of their faces as soon as they climbed out of the grates.

So they were forced to abandoned stealth entirely.

The now very-sparkly Clint simply tackled Wade when he scrambled awake to his makeshift alarm, and the two of them fell into a wrestling match as Clint called over his shoulder, "Take your time, Katie Kate. Make it pretty."

Which just had Kate smirking to herself as she pulled out the bucket of purple paint and went to town rolling across his furniture, his mirrors, his walls. If Clint could give her enough time, the whole place would be purple, though Wade was putting up one heckuva fight for someone who'd just woken up.

And it didn't exactly help that Wade's trap had woken up most of the others, who were now rushing to investigate the noise only to find two very sparkly Hawkeyes and Wade — all three of whom were half coated in sparkles and purple paint by that point.

"How did you even…?" Steve stood in the doorway just staring at the spectacle as the two Hawkeyes and Wade were more or less in a paint war, though Kate definitely had the upper hand with her roller.

"Trade secret, Spangles," Clint called over to Steve with a wild grin at the slowly assembling group.

"Does this mean I'm getting inducted as a reserve Hawkeye?" Wade shouted as he got Clint into a good pin, only for Clint to throw an elbow that had him yelping — and the wrestling match started up all over again.

"Gotta shoot more than a rifle to do that," Kate shot back, now busily painting arrows on Wade's wall with what was left of the paint.

"Well I would if you'd share the bows!" Wade countered.

"Ask for a practice set!" Kate shot back.

When Wade couldn't throw Clint back, he let out a breath and changed his tactics, opening by licking Clint's face. "Come on, punkin', give daddy a kiss."

"AUGH!" Clint put his arms out straight to put as much distance between his face and Wade's as he could.

"No, no — you came into my bedroom, big boy," Wade muttered as he pulled Clint closer.

"Kate!" Clint called over his shoulder, still trying to get distance, and Kate dove in to help, putting her hand on Wade's face to push him back before she pulled Clint away, though now it was just a three-way wrestling match that the others were watching with steadily growing grins and chuckles.

"Well … he looks more like a Hawkeye now," Steve said with his arms crossed over his chest.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kate called over her shoulder.

"Well. Purple … for one," Steve replied. "And … he can't seem to keep too far from Clint."

"So what does that make Clint?" Kate asked.

"Hawk-sugar daddy!" Wade replied joyfully, once again managing to land a kiss on his cheek.

"That is so not a thing," Clint said, making a face.

"I thought it made him the mother duck," Peter chimed in as he and Kurt arrived to watch the show. "Seeing as you guys imprinted on him."

"I thought we all agreed Coulson is the mother hen," Clint said.

"And you're the mother duck," Wade said, grinning. "Quack, quack!"

"Face it, Clint," Kurt said, now chuckling and shaking his head to himself. "That's going to stick."

"Which makes 'Hawkeye' all mine," Kate crowed.

"Aww, c'mon, Katie. You already took it from me in the field!"

"It's okay. You'll learn to cope with your loss someday, mother duck," Kate told him in a consoling tone, though that just got Clint to turn and pounce on her, smearing paint across most of her face as he did so.

"Is there a reason that half of the room — and the occupants in it are covered in paint and glitter?" Coulson called out from behind the crowd that had formed outside of Wade's room.

The crowd parted to let Coulson through as the three April Fools continued their wrestling for just a second longer until Coulson was actually through the doorway, and then Clint grinned shamelessly up at him. "April Fools, sir," he said through a mouthful of glitter.

"And is there a reason that you've been… kissing Mr. Wilson?"

"Not by choice." Clint wrinkled his nose in Wade's direction with a clear look of distaste.

"Hey. I don't kiss and tell; you shouldn't either," Wade said.

"I don't know if it counts as kissing — what you two were doing," Kate pointed out with a shameless giggle.

"I can fix that," Wade said. "But for the record, he came lookin' for it!"

"Or," Coulson said with a pointed look at all three of them. "The three of you could hit the showers and then come back in here and clean up this mess."

"Can't we leave it up for April Fools?" Kate asked in a bit of a pout. "Took us forever to find the right shade of purple."

"It'll come off easier if you do it now," Coulson pointed out.

The three glitter-covered Tahiti kids all glanced at each other and let out a sigh that was practically in tandem. "I guess," Wade said dramatically.

"Make sure it's done by the time I get back to see how your class is coming," Coulson said.

"Well, I can only guarantee the paint," Clint said, still rubbing glitter off his mouth. "This stuff sticks."

"That wasn't ours," Kate put in.

"Found it in the Capitol," Wade said airily. "Some genius stylist is missing a tube of glitter somewhere."

Coulson shook his head at all three of them before he decided to leave the nonsense of an entire group of teenagers blowing off steam on April Fool's Day before they came up with any other bright ideas.

Of course, he should have known better than to hope the kids he had upstairs were any better than the ones downstairs, as the second he walked through the door into the offices his team occupied, the Dracula theme played, and all three of his youngest team members were simply cackling.

"Is this what you've been putting all your time into?" Coulson asked in an almost tired tone.

"Are you kidding? That program took me all of half an hour to write, tops," Skye said, waving her hands.

"And the speaker system was so easy to hook up," Fitz agreed.

"And really, it suits you," Simmons said with a sedate smile. "It really does."

"Are you going to be able to finish the work on your schedules today, or is it just a full day of pranking?" Coulson asked.

"Re-lax, AC," Skye said, grinning at him. "We already got you, and nobody's stupid enough to get May, so we're all good here."

But as for the last member of the team, May had let herself into Fury's office that morning and got right down to work. She put one of Fitz' cameras exactly where she wanted it to be to capture the moment Fury got hit, and then she crouched down behind his desk and methodically removed the screws from the seat.

She was smirking widely to herself by the time she stood back up — only to turn and see that Fury's office was no longer unoccupied, and Logan was leaning in the doorway watching her with his arms crossed over his chest. "Well. Good morning," she said with a little smirk.

"Morning," he replied as he kicked himself out of the doorframe, his gaze on her as he stepped inside. "Get 'em all?"

She smirked even wider and opened her hand to show him. "Can you keep a poker face, or is that just Skye telling lies?"

"Me? Poker face? I don't know what you're talking about," he replied, perfectly calmly as he made his way over to the coffee maker that already held a full pot, freshly brewed.

She just chuckled. "Make sure you sit across from him so you can see it go down."

"I'll go one better and make sure he's got a mug of coffee in his hands."

"Please and thank you," she said before she ducked out of the office to go do the same to Maria Hill's chair.

She was barely gone from Fury's long enough for Logan to get a cup of coffee poured for himself when Fury swept in and snatched it out of his hands on his way to his desk — already in a bit of a mood.

"That wasn't very nice," Logan muttered as he turned to pick up a second cup. "Stuff like that'll come back to bite you."

Fury gave him a glare that had no heat to it. "You mean like all the cigars you've been stealing from me? Or maybe the whiskey that keeps going missing?"

"I figure after the second one, you put it there for me on purpose," Logan replied as he took the seat May had pointed out for him even before Fury could sit down.

Fury shook his head and sat down in his chair — only to go sprawling with a curse as he hit the floor and the coffee went with him while Logan leaned back to sip from his mug. "Need help getting back up, old man?"

"Who did this?" Fury half bellowed.

"No idea," Logan replied calmly. "I only know a handful of people, and none of them were here, so I guess I'd blame Karma."

But before Fury could question him on it, there was a very loud and very long set of curses screamed out down the hallway, only half of which were in English, before Maria Hill came out of her office looking she might spit nails.

"Give me the camera feed," she called out to Fury before she was even all the way in the door, the clear marks of coffee stains spreading over her front.

"Well, Good morning, Maria Christina Hill, Assistant Director of SHIELD," Logan muttered with his head tipped back.

"So help me if you're on that tape, Logan…."

"I'm on a lot of tapes, but that ain't one of 'em," he replied.

She glared at him before she looked toward Fury, fully intending to demand the camera tapes again, and instead paused when she saw that he was also wearing the contents of his coffee mug. "Rough morning, sir?" she asked with the beginnings of a smirk.

"Apparently he's goin' for the wet and wild look today," Logan muttered before he took another pull off his mug.

"Well I'm sure we can all rest easy knowing the director has such tight security on his desk chair," she said as she reached over and stole Logan's mug right out of his hand to drink the rest of it.

He let out a little noise of disbelief before he got up again. "You're welcome," Logan muttered as he headed over to get yet another mug of coffee.

She smirked his way and went to take his now unoccupied chair— only to immediately end up flat on the floor again and swearing up a blue streak, red in the face. "That one was you!" she accused Logan as she scrambled back up.

"How do you figure?" Logan asked with the beginning of a scowl as he leaned on the counter near the coffee pot.

"No way do you weigh less than me, and I don't see you wearing your coffee," she pointed out.

"Maybe that's just karma biting you in the ass too."

She glared at him for a good long moment before she swept out of the room, leaving Fury chuckling at the expression on her face before he got to his feet — and promptly snatched Logan's coffee again. "I think you've had enough of that this morning," Fury said. "Time to get to work."