SPOILER ALERT FOR SEASON 13


Dear Cas,

I tried to stop you. I told you not to go. When you said that it was an angel and that I wasn't allowed all I could think about was the last time you said that to me. The last time you said those words I followed you anyway and it was because of me that you almost died. You would have died if I didn't follow you. You almost died when I did follow you. I'm not going to follow you and you better be okay. I got you back. I got you back for what felt like a second. A single heartbeats worth of time.

I was so happy, Cas. I could have kissed you. I should have kissed you. There's always going to be an excuse. There's always going to be "Well, Sam was right there so I couldn't." or "You were meeting Jack for the first time so.." or "I wanted it to be perfect and it never seemed like the perfect moment." It would have been the perfect moment when my life came rushing back to me as I saw you standing next to the payphone. It would have been and I was stupid and missed the moment. I hugged you and Sam took the next hug and the moment was gone.

Now you're gone again. Just not quite so gone. And Jack is gone which is why you're gone in the first place. There is no right place to be. I could be searching with you if I had protested enough or followed you. I could be searching alone for the single most powerful being in the universe as far as I know but I'm not. I could be doing exactly what I'm doing and running a case to keep myself busy and hope that I hear from you or Jack.

The moment you were gone I regretted it. I should have fought harder. I should have followed you out or stopped you or done everything I could to make you see how much I need you by my side right now. How bad it hurt when you were gone. How bad it hurts every time you're gone.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Sam thinks this Ketch is the twin brother to the Ketch that we all know and hate. I'm not convinced. I look at him and I hate him for what he did. I hate him for asking about our mom. I hate him for existing. I look at him and I know that this is the Ketch that I watched die. I know it even if his tattoo is gone. I know it no matter how many records Sam finds to prove the opposite to be true. I know.

I got you back but mom is gone. She's in another universe, killed by Lucifer. I don't know if there's an alternate reality Heaven that she's going to or what but I doubt I'll see her again even if I do search this Heaven. Ketch may not have actually killed her, but I saw what he did to her mind. I was there. I saw her own world that she was living in and she almost chose it. I'm not going to get my mom back and he's going to pay for it.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I wish I'd told you. I keep waking up from dreams and just wishing I'd kissed you. That I'd told you I love you. I know you know from you reading the letters but you don't know that I found yours. You don't know that I want to or that I'm kicking myself over not.

I wake up and think that right now is perfect. The bunker is quiet and I can go find you in the library or your room or walking around silently because you're back. But you left. And I can walk around in the dark bunker and look for you all I want but I won't find you.

I don't want to pray it to you either. I want to tell you where I can see your face. Where when I'm done telling you I can kiss you. Where we are close enough that I can just give you this fucking notebook.

-DW


Author's Note:

Thank you for your love and support. I am still struggling and healing but I got a kick of inspiration so I hope y'all love it. Love each other and yourselves because it's important. Love you all.