She could smell the blood first.

Even a block away, from a single apartment on the fifth floor, Seras could smell the blood. It was enough that someone must have been killed.

Her fears were confirmed when she saw the blue flashing lights of police cars outside the building.

What if I'm too late?

Seras was taking a huge risk in coming here. Logic dictated that she leave here and let the police handle it, but then she remembered the image of James' crippled form being tortured by the Cyclops and she knew she couldn't walk away from this.

It was easy enough to sneak into one of the parked police vehicles under the cover of darkness and steal an extra uniform. It was against regulations to keep an extra uniform but Seras had remembered plenty of officers did it anyway. She retreated into an alley and changed from her blood-stained rags, using snow to wipe off the dirt and gore that still caked her body. The winter chill had no effect on her, and in a few minutes she was clean and outfitted in a police uniform.

She was lucky, it fit her like a glove. It felt odd to be Seras the police girl again. The future had seemed so promising back then, with her friends by her side and an exciting life fighting crime ahead of her. Seras was going to be the hero of her own story. Just over a year later and now she'd returned to Cheddar, a murderer in hiding.

She confidently marched into the apartment building, like she'd never left the force in the first place. Between her apparent comfort, and her uniform, nobody stopped to question her as she stepped in the elevator.

Fifth floor, that's what her senses told her. Whether it an unknown vampiric instinct, a residual memory from Rick or just her keen sense of smell she couldn't say. As the elevator began its ride up, Seras prepared herself for the worst.

If they're dead…there's nothing I could have done to save them.

That's what Pip would have told her, or maybe Integra. If Seras had someone left she could count on for comfort, that's what they would tell her.

Mentally prepared, Seras stepped out of the elevator to the fifth floor and immediately collided with a constable sprinting down the hall.

"Ouch!" he exclaimed as he crashed to the floor. At first he looked angry, but as he got his bearings and saw Seras his face took on a slight blush. "Um, are you okay?"

"Yes, sorry" Seras apologized as she helped him to his feet. She caught a look at his badge, reading DC Crowley and also hoped the constable wouldn't ask her for identification.

"Are you here to help with the search?"

"That's right," Seras lied.

Maybe they're not all dead.

"But details were sketchy on my way here," she continued. "Who are we looking for?"

"Detective Inspector Hastings was abducted just an hour ago" Crowley said, "Witnesses say he was taken by the Cyclops, and that James' boy was there too."

"Anthony's gone?"

Seras had just seen him earlier in the day. Suddenly she imagined the old man being tortured the same way James had been.

"Yes, and we have to help with the search." Crowley started pulling Seras back into the elevator.

"Wait." Seras pulled her arm free of Crowley's grasp. The constable stared at her in confusion.

"I mean," Seras was surprised at how adept she'd become at lying. "The SOCO sent me back up here, to watch the crime scene"

"Riley sent you?" Crowley eyed Seras suspiciously.

Riley. Why did that name sound familiar? Seras remembered meeting the forensics chief a few times. She had been a close friend of Hastings, but she and Seras never had the time to bond.

"I don't know her name." Seras lied again as she pretended to think. "She was an old lady with gray hair. I ran into her just as I got here."

"Huh, okay" he paused to think. "I feel like I've seen you before. What's your name?"

"Valerie" It was the first word that came into her mind. "Valerie Clark. I'm a recent graduate, I think we may have met in the academy."

That wasn't entirely a lie. Crowley would have been close to her year in graduation so they must have seen each other before. Still, they wouldn't have known each other personally. All the graduates whom Seras had befriended died at the Parish a year ago.

"Valerie Clark." There was recognition in the constable's voice.

There shouldn't be recognition.

"Is something wrong?" Seras asked.

"No, no." the constable quickly said as he pushed the elevator button. "Go ahead and guard the crime scene, Valerie."

Then the doors closed and Seras let out a relaxed exhale.

I have a feeling he didn't buy my story.

That just meant Seras had even less time. Perhaps she could have helped more with the search for Anthony, but she still was drawn to find the source of the blood. It was like something on this floor was calling to her…

Even without the police tape wrapped around the door, Seras could have found the crime scene simply by the smell of death. She took a deep breath before stepping in.

When she opened the door, her old police instincts kicked in. She remembered trying to play detective at crime scenes, hoping to impress Anthony with her insights.

Clear signs of a struggle.

Shattered plates and half eaten food littered the ground. It was clear forensics had already taken a look at the crime scene, with numbered tiles placed at various points of interest. The bodies were gone too, no doubt taken by the mortician and replaced with outlines of chalk. No amount of scrubbing would remove the bloodstains from the carpet.

Seras knelt down to a pool of blood at her feet, it was this blood that had inexplicably drawn her here. She could sense the remnants of a soul in this room, as if trapped by a great trauma, waiting for someone it could tell its story too.

Waiting for Seras.

Seras wasn't sure what she was looking for. A hint about why the Cyclops scared her so much? A clue to where Anthony had been taken? Maybe this was all an elaborate trick her imagination was playing so she'd have a reason to feed.

Whatever the reason, Seras placed her hand in the center of the bloodstain and began to absorb the blood. She almost lost her balance as the memories struck her like a wave of cold water.

Almost immediately Seras was overwhelmed by an all-consuming sense of dread and fear. No amount of blood was worth what she was about to see. The room melted before her eyes, a horrible vision encompassing her sight. Seras tried to fight back, to draw herself back into reality but it was too late.

No. I don't want to see this. I change my mind! Don't make me see this!

She struggled against the memory, wishing she could undo her choice. Dark shapes began to take form in her mind as Seras was drawn back through time, into a story burned in blood and horror. A story that was painfully familiar.

No! God no! Please no!

Were those her thoughts, or James? Seras was suddenly lying on her side, she was still in the same room, but the sun was out now, the room was no longer empty and she was no longer Seras.

"Don't…don't do this" she begged. She was dying, she could feel it. She'd been stabbed through the stomach and a pool of blood was already forming around her. It was a mortal wound.

Mortal…Yes, I'm mortal now…

She could see her wife…James' wife on her knees in front of her. A gun to her head, tears streaming down her face. James desperately wanted to reach out to her, to tell her everything was going to be alright.

"You promised me…" Seras was barely aware of the words coming out of her mouth. "You'd spare them…"

"I make a lot of promises" The man holding his wife said. "Can't keep all of them."

James' final moments were filled with guilt, and that guilt resonated through Seras. She…he had betrayed everything he believed in, helped this monster all for the false promise that his family would be safe.

Seras wanted to scream and yell as the Cyclops shot his wife, but all that escaped her was a pitiful sob. All she could do was lie there on her side and see the grim events unfold.

No…Why do I know what's going to happen next…

The Cyclops had a twisted grin on his face, completely oblivious to the blood splattered on his jacket.

"You have a real pretty wife, anybody ever tell you that?" he looked at James' helpless form.

No…Not again…

The Cyclops' face. Those eyes…one of them was human, albeit filled with a deranged lust. The other was a bloody hole, as if it had been stabbed by a fork years ago. It was a face Seras had seen a lifetime ago.

You're supposed to be dead…Anthony said you were dead…

When the Cyclops looked into James' eyes, he might as well have been speaking to Seras.

"Look what I can do. Look at how helpless you are, again." His unspoken words taunted.

All these years in the orphanage, training to be a police officer, fighting monsters for Hellsing and even losing her humanity. None of that mattered in this moment. In this moment Seras was helpless again, unable to move as she watched the Cyclops rip off the corpse's shirt.

"She's still warm too" he laughed.

Seras was no longer James. Seras was a helpless girl again, forced to watch, bleeding, as the monster did unspeakable things to her mother's body.

She and James wanted the same thing. They wanted to look away, to close their eyes, to just die but instead they kept watching the Cyclops desecrate their loved one. They saw the man's gaze of ecstasy as he committed the atrocity, relishing in their pain. After far too long looking at this horror James finally died, but Seras was given no such mercy. The vision faded but the memory lingered, a mix of James' horrible moments and memories Seras had always tried to forget. They'd been brought back to the surface dominating every thought Seras had.

You're supposed to be dead…

Anthony said you were killed…

Seras was dimly aware of someone trying to shake her back into reality. As reality reformed around her she realized she was no longer alone in this room.

"Damnit Seras, talk to me!" A lady almost shouted while shaking Seras. "What the hell are you doing here? What the hell is happening to you?"

Riley…it was Anthony's friend Riley. Seras saw the constable from earlier standing in the room as well, his pistol drawn. The constable was trying to hide his fear behind a mask of determination. He clearly hadn't fallen for Seras' lie.

"He's alive…" Seras said in shock. The Cyclops was the same man who'd killed her parents. She still barely recognized Riley's presence. Seras face was soaked in…she reached a hand slowly up…blood. Tears of blood covered her face.

"He's alive." She repeated, as she regained her senses. She jumped to her feet, knocking Riley to the floor. Seras ignored Crowley's pistol pointed at her from across the room.

"That bastard has been alive all this time…" She curled her hands into fists. Tears ran freely down her face, dripping to the floor. Seras' sadness and helplessness turned to rage. It was a rage beyond anything she'd ever experienced. It was an anger that buried her entire identity beneath the desire for vengeance. Morals, friendships and charity were meaningless if she could make the Cyclops suffer. It permeated every inch of her being. Seras couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, it couldn't even be contained within her.

She tilted her head to the ceiling and released her rage in an ungodly shriek. All the pain of being helpless, of having her life ripped away washed over her. She could see Riley and Crowley flee the room as furniture fell, glass broke and the very building seemed to shake. She kept screaming, letting that anger consume her.

Finally she stopped and the area becoming deathly silent. Seras was soaked in blood, her eyes stared out the broken apartment window into the city. A great storm was forming outside, like the world itself shared Seras' pain.

"I'm going to find you." Seras said. "I'm going to find you and make you wish you were dead."


AN: I undermined her purpose in life making her doubt if she was even helping people for the right reasons. I compromised her faith and made her believe that even God was against her. I tore her apart from her friends and made the closest thing to family watch her murder a man. I put her on the run, exhausted and alone. Then I made her learn that the one thing that had helped her move on from her parents death, that the killer was dead, was a lie. On top of that, I made her relive in vivid realism the death of her parents again.

I did all of these things to Seras, because I never felt like she truly explored being a vampire in the anime. I wasn't satisfied by having her lose herself in a bloodlust and being knocked out of it by a hug as properly exploring her dark side. So I had to make her fall. Hard.

And I wanted to do it while keeping it in character. The only way to do that was spend 48 chapters orchestrating these events to lead to her fall from grace.

Despite this, there are/were plenty of people who felt she was acting out of character. I am just a fan of the anime, and I don't have any right to say if Seras is acting in character or not. I just hope that if readers, like you, think this is out of character for Seras, that you still enjoy the fanfiction. As always, I love reading reviews, especially constructive feedback and disagreement.