UnHeralded Strength, Book I.51
Things suddenly become clear to Bagoas about Hephaistion's behavior.
Hephaistion continued silent. Bagoas sat simply trying to retain his composure, his mind almost numb. He still could not believe the man had not brought him out here to kill him. Were this Darius' court… He stopped the direction of that thought. Perhaps that was part of the puzzle, this was not Darius' court. Nor was the man before him Persian, but quite different, both in action and temperament. He reflected he really knew nothing of Hephaistion, save what the man allowed seen on the surface, and that, he was growing ever more aware of was carefully controlled. In some ways Iskander was easier to understand.
"Bagoas, ah…" Hephaistion pulled himself up and began pacing, again. Alexander paced a good deal also in thought, Bagoas recalled, a smile beginning to bloom as he recalled past watching him as such. He was like a small, lion, all compact golden muscle and quick… Then he recalled himself to his present position. He was still not certain what was happening. Why was he here with Hephaistion, like this? If he had not intended to kill him, then…
As he watched Hephaistion's long legs move across the ground, he wondered was it a Macedonian affliction? To be so…perplexing?
Beneath the cover of his long lashes he studied the handsome officer. Hephaistion was playing with a ring on his finger. The golden band flashed in the starlight. It bore a stylized flower design. He took it off jammed it onto another finger then replaced it back on its original finger. He sighed deeply, shook his head. It seemed he was arguing with himself about something
"I would ask a boon of you." Hephaistion mumbled. Bagoas had to lean forward to catch the words, they were so soft. Almost choked out.
"Anything my Lord Hephaistion." Hephaistion stopped his pacing, but was at the ring again taking it off one finger, pushing it down upon another. "I, I know you heard what I said yesterday. You did didn't you? I mean in the stable. You heard my words to General Nearkhos. They weren't for anyone to hear; truly I wish I had never spoken them." He turned away, though the night was dark enough moonlight shone down upon them to show up the fine blush upon Hephaistion's cheeks.
Bagoas swallowed. "My Lord…Hephaistion I would never speak…" Hephaistion turned back, his face pale now in the colder shadows.
"I believe you. I…" He stood one moment as though glued to the ground then he was beside him, almost falling over so rushed in his movements. He opened his mouth to speak but instead of words a groan of such intensity, such anguish came out that Bagoas found himself leaning toward the man in great concern.
"My Lord…"
Hephaistion's shoulder's shook, but he did not speak. Bagoas looked out around him, then up into the dark sky, growing increasing fearful. The man's moods, action were concerning. "Hep…"
Hephaistion looked up, his face wet with tears. "Do not speak you saw me so. Do not speak it, ever!"
Bagoas could only shake his head, his worry for the older man erasing his own fears. "My Lord, please do not ever worry, I would never, never…"
"I know." Hephaistion croaked out. He looked up wiping his face. "I come out here alone, 'tis the only place I know whereof I can be alone. Oft times when I am unraveling inside to walk as such aids my nerves. Alexander rarely is alone, I, at least have that possibility. He used to walk for miles back in Mieza. Oft times I would have to walk miles to find him. He can become easily melancholy." He turned facing Bagoas, "That is where we were educated by Aristotle. The locals called it the Gardens of the Nymphs, 'twas so lovely, so peaceful."
"There, at that place, that was as… I was content, at least as much as one can be when one is young, but wishes every moment for life to come and meet him head on. Alexander, I…our companions, we were all eager for war, to try ourselves…for personal glory. I would give all the other up, but I cannot…I cannot. Bagoas, I know you being what you are perhaps can understand more than others… what it is to be so at the mercy of such forces. Feelings are hateful things. Do you not think so?" He grinned shyly and ducked his head. "I prefer the battlefield, 'tis not so messy."
"Gorgios, you have seen him, no doubt about the camp. He is, well he is the other I am enamored of. Not as Alexander, there is none to me as is Alexander. He is kalos, do you not think so? He is the breath of heaven upon my head." This last was spoken with such a tenderness, so softly, it was almost missed.
Bagoas shook his own head trying hard to keep up with Hephaistion's words and rapid mood changes. "He is a good officer, a dear companion, Gorgios is." He stopped twisting his mouth into a small bud, and began to rock a bit. Dark eyes full of worry, Bagoas watched the man, again disquiet making his heart to pound. He began to fear for Hephaistion and wished they were not so far from the main camp.
"My lord are you well?" Hesitantly, he laid a hand upon Hephaistion's shoulder. "I…"
"Nai, I know, I must seem most odd in my behavior just now. Nai?" I fear I am not quite myself. This day's events have undone me. I cannot say such as this to Gorgios, much as I care for him. I cannot speak of such thoughts to anyone…save Alexander." Bagoas slumped forward feeling intense relief. This was something he could understand, indeed Hephaistion's actions now made sense. Suddenly he felt deeply for the man, for his place, position in court. He too knew what it was to be alone.
"I wish I could be, at times as Krateros. Aye, now he fears nothing, especially his own thoughts." Bagoas watched as Hephaistion wagged his head back and forth, and nudged him suddenly teasingly. "'Tis because he hasn't a solid one in his head." He grinned, widely this time, looking like a little boy, an endearing little boy. "Do not ever speak I said such a thing."
Bagoas smiled and shook his head. "I would not." Carefully, with great effort to seem as casual, he moved forward resting his arm around Hephaistion's shoulders. "My Lord, as you have said has been a long and tiring day. Perhaps you ought to seek your couch. A good night's sleep…" He held his breath. Never had he spoken to Hephaistion before. Hephaistion was not Alexander, and did not know how the man might accept his suggestion.
"Aye." Hephaistion shook his curly head in agreement. The moonlight caught him in its glow and cast a softly burnished glow about him. Bagoas could see what drew Iskander so. He was indeed, a beautiful man. And, as with Iskander there was something in him. something…unknowable, mysterious, compelling. He felt suddenly protective of the tall Macedonian. These warriors, Bagoas found himself thinking with a wry grin. They are as children, I think. Great men at arms, but perhaps as children in other ways.
"My Lord should Iskander awaken, we will both be missing." Hephaistion snorted laughing.
"Aye! I have broken my own rules, have I not? I deserve to be chastised, lashed! Well, as you say does he awaken and neither of us there, I will be well chastised. I promise you, he can be most convincing in his expression of such things. His tongue can be a lash, biting and sharp." He half grinned almost giggling. He rose and Bagoas took the iniative and began to move back toward the main camp. Hephaistion followed. He sighed in relief. The man's mood was lighter, much lighter. For a moment Bagoas felt himself sway with exhaustion, and wished fervently to gain his own couch. He was weary through. Hephaistion was right; it had been a trying day, sorely trying.
As they walked each lost privately to his thoughts, the mood between them was more relaxed. Then Hephaistion gave a cry and bent low to something upon the ground. Bagoas bit his lip seeing his dagger in Hephaistion's hand.
"'Tis yours?" Without a word, Bagoas took it sheathed it, and looked up at his companion.
"You have courage, great inner strength, perhaps even more than I." Hephaistion studied him, an expression of intense interest upon his face. "I cannot imagine what you must have thought of my actions. Indeed, I am not certain of my actions this night." He knit his brow into a heavy frown. "What know you of the herbs I partook of? Their lure, I think has undone me."
"My Lord has been sorely tried." Bagoas answered softly with a bow, but thinking along a similar line. Perhaps the herbs had led Hephaistion to reflect more deeply than he normally would. He could not know. He did not know the man as Iskander did. He did, though see suddenly so much behind the man's actions and again, felt something protective kindle within him. The depth of his loneliness and longing for Iskander was keen, almost painful.
Hephaistion stood a moment seeming lost in thought then smiled, a great wide smile, full of understanding and the offer of friendship. "We have both been sorely tried this day. Let us end it well. Hypnos calls and I for one will answer." They strode along beneath the luminous moonlight, lost in private thoughts, but finally aware of the other in a manner not understood before.
To be continued…
