I'm afraid this is going to be a pretty emotional chapter. But please go with it! IJKS xxx

Chapter Fifty-Two

December 2009

On Christmas morning, Joey stayed in bed until she heard Charlie and Ruby had left the house. They were going to Ross and Morag's for the day. Charlie had offered an awkward invitation the night before but Joey was painfully aware that she wasn't wanted. As soon as she was alone, she slipped out of bed and got showered and changed. Her plan was to take the trawler out and spend the day or maybe several at sea. At this point she wondered if she would ever come home. At this point she wondered if she even had a home. Once she was ready, she moved downstairs and into the kitchen, ready to make herself some lunch for the afternoon. She stopped when she saw two neatly wrapped presents on the kitchen table. One was from Ruby. One brought her to tears. It was from Charlie.


At her father and step-mother's house, Charlie did everything she could to be cheerful for the sake of her family. Inside, her heart was aching. She missed Joey terribly. It didn't seem right not to spend Christmas with her. Even before they'd got together, they'd seen each other for every Christmas Day of their lives. Her whole body was yearning to turn around and run back to her. She'd invited her last thing last night to come and join them but Joey had refused. Charlie supposed it had been too little too late.


Joey stepped up onto the trawler ready to set sail.

"Hey, you weren't thinking of leaving without me, were you?"

Joey turned and leant over the side of the boat. She grinned when she spotted Aden jogging up to her with a picnic basket and a backpack. He handed the basket over and hopped on board.

"Merry Christmas," he said, hugging her.

"Merry Christmas," she replied, still feeling startled. "What are you doing here, Ade? I thought you were spending Christmas with Jack and Martha."

"Yeah, well, I thought a traditional Christmas was overrated," he said. "Who wouldn't want to spend Christmas Day on a smelly, fishing trawler?"

Joey shrugged and sat down. Aden sat beside her and put an arm around her shoulders.

"With their best friend in all the world," he added.

She leant into him and squeezed her eyes shut, sighing heavily.


"Hey, Charlz," Ruby said softly. "Are you okay?"

Charlie had slipped outside away from the family. Her head was aching with thoughts of Joey. She smiled when she felt her little sister's arms slip around her waist and her head rest on her shoulder.

"I'm fine," Charlie lied.

"Why don't you just sit down and talk to her? Wouldn't it help?"

"I don't see how. She cheated on me, Rubes. How can I forgive that?"

"I'm not saying forgive but right now, everything's just hanging in the air all unresolved," Ruby said. "If you talked, maybe you could both move on if that's what you have to do. Not that's what I want you to do. I want you to get back together, just so you know."

Charlie sighed and reached behind her to hug Ruby in close.

"I wish we could," she said softly.

"Why can't you? Can't you just forgive her?"

"I don't even know how long it was going on for."

"Which is why you need to talk to her, Charlie. All this mess isn't good for either of you."

Charlie turned around.

"When did you get so insightful?" she asked.

"I must take after my mother," Ruby grinned.

Charlie thought of Elsie and smiled.

"You definitely do," she said.


Joey stared down at Charlie's neatly wrapped gift. She'd opened a lunchbox and thermos from Ruby. Aden had bought her a couple of Nintendo DS games.

"Do you want some space?" Aden asked from beside her.

"No," Joey said.

She tore into the packaging. A small note fell out onto the deck. She reached down and read a small message from Charlie explaining that she'd bought it a while ago and wanted her to still have it. Looking at the gift, Joey realised it was an iPod. She smiled. It was an upgrade from the one she already had. Dropping the wrapping paper, she showed Aden.

"Nice," he said. "Did you get her anything?"


Charlie arrived home feeling anxious. The house was silent but that didn't necessarily mean Joey wasn't home. She stopped when she saw two gifts on the kitchen table. She would have assumed they were the ones she and Ruby had left that morning if the wrapping paper hadn't been different. Ruby rushed over and looked at the tags.

"One for me and one for you!" she said, delighted.

Immediately, she tore into her package. She'd squealed when she found a box of cosmetics and a small envelope. She squealed again when she saw two passes for a day of spa treatments.

"Oh my... This is so exciting!"

Charlie smiled. Joey always got Ruby the right gifts. She looked down at her own present. Slowly she undid the wrapping and found a small jewellery box. Inside was a silver bracelet. She picked it up and saw that dangling from the chain were silver letters. They spelled out the word 'forever'.


Joey and Aden had stayed out at sea until December 27th before reluctantly going home. Joey had been grateful for the company and she hadn't injured herself in that time. She wondered if perhaps she could make some kind of resolution and try to change things. Cutting her legs really didn't help anything. She got momentary release but it was soon replaced with shame. Then she just wanted to cut again as some form of punishment and thus the whole thing spun into a vicious circle. But she'd broken out of it for two days so perhaps there was hope. Stepping off the boat, she hugged Aden goodbye and began to walk home.


Charlie felt sick with anxiety. She hadn't seen Joey since Christmas Eve and she was nervous about where she had gone and what she was doing. Was she alright? Was she safe? Was she coming back? While she kept telling herself that it wasn't her place to know or to care anymore, she couldn't help it. She looked up sharply when she heard the door open. Joey, looking unwashed and unkempt walked through the door with a backpack. Charlie turned to look at her. She wanted to ask where she'd been and if she was alright but no words came out. Joey forced a smile and headed to her bedroom. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned around.

"Thank you for the gift," she said softly.

Charlie smiled.

"Thank you for mine," she said. "I guess we both shopped early, hey?"

"Yeah," Joey said, looking at the floor.

She hadn't gone shopping early at all. The bracelet had been purchased a few days before Christmas. But there was no need to tell Charlie that. She turned and headed back upstairs again.


For the next few days, Charlie tried to pluck up the courage to talk to Joey but each time, she backed out. She'd distracted herself with work and hadn't seen much of her but every time she did, she worried and felt her heart break a little more. It was the day of New Year's Eve. Charlie had arranged to cover the late shift that night. If she couldn't spend her New Year with Joey then she didn't much care for it. She'd chosen to spend her day, however, in the Jukebox. She'd had a lie in and then gone to indulge in Martha's non-alcoholic cocktails.

"Fancy seeing you here," said a male voice.

Charlie turned to find Roman beside her, smiling. She smiled back.

"Just enjoying a free afternoon," she told him.

"And what will you be enjoying tonight?"

"I'll be dressing up in my nice little uniform and patrolling the streets for the drunk and disorderly."

"Oh, what?" he said, disappointed. "I was going to invite you to a party."

"Sorry. I'm otherwise engaged."

"What time do you finish?" he asked, clinging onto the last ray of hope.

"Five in the morning," Charlie told him.

"You could always come round to my place for an early breakfast."

"I don't think so."

"Or I could give you a key and you could come and snuggle up beside me for lie in."

"I really, really don't think so."

"Are you sure?"

"You really don't understand this whole lesbian thing, do you?" she smirked.

"I'll keep my hands to myself. Mostly."

Behind the bar, Martha shook her head. Roman was absolutely relentless.

"No thanks, Roman," Charlie said. "I have a big bed all of my own waiting for me."


Joey arrived at the Jukebox with the intention of having a beer and maybe shooting some pool by herself. She spotted Charlie, Martha and Roman laughing at the bar together. Sighing, she turned away and went back home.


Charlie arrived home with half an hour to get changed into her uniform. Trotting up the stairs, she paused when she heard sobbing coming from Joey's bedroom. Charlie chewed her lip, wondering if she ought to knock and check she was alright. It felt like the most natural thing in the world and yet it felt so horribly inappropriate now. She closed her eyes and regulated her breathing for a moment before stepping up to the door and knocking softly. There was no answer and the crying continued as if Joey hadn't heard. Charlie knocked again a little louder but still there was no answer. Finally, feeling worried, Charlie knocked and opened the door. Panic set in the moment she saw Joey. Her ex-girlfriend was sprawled out on the bed in tears. But the thing that made Charlie feel sick was all the blood. She hurried forward, saying Joey's name over and over again but Joey's eyes were shut and her crying was uncontrollable.

"Joey? Joey, please talk to me," Charlie begged.

Tears stung her own eyes as she saw various wounds on Joey's bare legs and a couple on her right arm. A knife had been discarded on the bed. Blood still glistened on the blade. She froze when she spotted an empty packet of pills on the bedside table.

"Joey! What have you done?" Charlie cried.

Joey's eyes opened.

"Get out," she said.

Her eyes weren't focussing properly. All Charlie could see in them was pain.

"Joey..."

"Stop saying my name," Joey warned. "It's not yours to say!"

She propped herself up on her elbows and lurched forward, pushing Charlie hard by her shoulders. Charlie fell backwards off the bed, crying out when she landed on the floor. Joey fell forward on the mattress. She buried her face in the blankets. Charlie got to her feet quickly and bent over Joey's body. As soon as she touched her, Joey pulled away.

"Leave me alone," Joey said, almost begging her.

"Joey, you're hurt."

"I've been hurt for weeks," Joey told her. "Why do you care now?"

Charlie swallowed, not knowing what to say. How had she not realised that things had got this far? Self-hated threatened to overwhelm her but she fought for control. Now wasn't the time.

"Please, leave me alone," Joey said softly.

"I can't leave you like this."

"You found it easy enough to leave me before."

"Joey, you need medical attention."

Joey sat up and swung her bare and bloodied legs over the side of the bed.

"I don't need medical attention. I don't need help. And I don't need you."

With that, she pushed Charlie back out of the room, slamming the door in her face. Charlie immediately tried to get back in but Joey wedged herself against the wood, using all her weight to keep Charlie from entering. On the other side of door, with trembling hands, Charlie dialled Rachel's number.


Rachel was watching television with Tony, glad to have New Year's Eve off, when her phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Rachel, it's Charlie. I need help."

Rachel leapt to her feet.

"Charlie's what's wrong?" she asked.

Tony switched off the television looking concerned.

"It's Joey. She's bleeding and I... she won't let me in. I don't know if she's taken something."

Rachel heard Charlie burst into tears.

"Rachel, I don't know what to do!"

"I'll be there as soon as I can," Rachel promised, already half way out the door.


Joey remained on her side of the door. All that she cared about was staying there and most importantly, keeping Charlie on the outside.

"Joey?"

On the other side, Charlie knelt against the door, placing her hands against it and leaning close. Work was but a distant memory.

"Joey, please let me in."

Joey didn't reply.

"Joey, please?"

"This is my room," Joey sobbed. "You don't get to come into my room."

"Joey, you need help."

"Don't fucking patronise me!"

"I'm not," Charlie said desperately. "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It's just that you look like you've lost a lot of blood."

"It's fine."

Joey looked down at her legs. She had cut worse than usual but she didn't think she'd done any real damage.

"Did you take something?"

"What I do has fuck all to do with you!" Joey shouted.

"Joey..."

"Stop saying my name! Get the hell away from me!"

"Charlie?"

Charlie leapt up when she heard Rachel's voice. She nearly fell down the stairs from running so fast.

"What's happened?" the Doctor asked when she was met by her breathless, tearful friend.

"I don't know. She's cut her legs and her arm and... there was an empty pill packet."

"Okay," Rachel said worriedly. "How bad did it look?"

"I don't know. I could just see all this blood. She won't let me in."

Charlie led Rachel upstairs and pointed to the closed door. Rachel knocked.

"Fuck off and leave me alone!" Joey yelled.

On the other side of the door, she'd curled up into a ball on the floor.

"Joey, it's Rachel," the Doctor said. "I understand that you've cut your leg. Can you let me in so I can take a look and fix it up, please?"

"No."

"Joey, if you're injured it's really important that we take care of it."

"It's fine. I'll fix it myself."

"Is it deep, Joey?"

"Ish."

"I really need you to let me in so I can take a look."

"I don't need your help."

Rachel sighed. Where had the giggling girl that had attended Martha's hen night gone? How had nobody noticed how lost she'd become?

"Joey, I can't ethically let you stay there knowing that you're injured," she said. "I'm legally obliged to help you. So please make it easier on all of us and let me in."

"Charlie can't come in."

"Charlie will wait outside," Rachel assured her.

Charlie looked horrified and set to protest. They heard the quiet shuffle of Joey moving away from the door. Slowly, it opened. Rachel, with her medical bag, moved inside. Charlie charged in. She knew she shouldn't but she just had to be near Joey and make sure she was okay. Joey protested loudly. Rachel sighed and tried to convince Charlie to leave. Charlie sank down on her knees in front of Joey, tears streaming down her face.

"Joey, I'm sorry," she said.

Joey just stared at her. She hadn't meant for this to happen. Her injuries were a private thing. Nobody was ever meant to know. Now suddenly there was all this drama surrounding her. She just wanted to hide and run away.

"Charlie, you need to let me examine Joey."

"And you need to get out," Joey said tearfully. "This is my room. You can't be in my room."

"Joey, I love you," Charlie said without thinking.

"No, you don't. If you loved me you wouldn't have ignored me all this time. You wouldn't have made me feel like this."

Joey instantly regretted what she said. Charlie wasn't to blame. Self injury was exactly that – it was about the self. Nobody could make you do something like that. It wasn't Charlie's fault. Still, she instantly knew that Charlie had taken it to heart. The love of her life sat back. She moved out of the way, crying softly and let Rachel check Joey over.