Chapter 48 Hawkward


It was a very late Kirkwall morning with slight snow falling outside. Fenris stretched with a yawn beneath the heavy warm covers. He hummed with a smile as he nuzzled further into the pillow. He froze however as he felt a hot heavy breathe upon the back of his neck. Fenris opened his eyes as he swallowed. Not really sure where he was at the moment. As he roused himself from his sleepy state. He became aware of the room he was in. At the realization that it was Hawke's room. He quickly sat up. A sharp pain shot through his lower back. Making him gasp as he placed his hand upon his back. Just now noticing he was completely nude. His face burned a deep red. He casted a quizzical glance to the side to see Hawke. He forced himself to relax as he let out a breath. Recalling what had happened last night. The whole reason for the pain in his lower back. At the memory of what happened, he gave off a small moan. Feeling his stomach tighten as he began to get light-headed. His blood going south due to the image in his head. He shook his head furiously, trying to rid the image from his mind. He started to get up from the bed when a hand grabbed hold of his wrist. He was jerked back against the hard planes of Hawke's chest. Hearing the larger man hum. "Where do you think you're going, Fenris?" He asked with his mouth nearly pressing against the elf's ear. Fenris shivered at the feel of Hawke's free hand running across his chest. Sliding down his abdomen till the large hand cupped him. Fenris let out a sigh then a moan as Hawke started to work him. Fenris started to feel his body get hot as Hawke continued to move along his length. But before anything else could happen however. A knock came from the door. "Jake, sweetie? Are you up?" Leandra called through the door as it was beginning to open. Fenris's face became red as he started to panic. Fenris felt Hawke freeze for a moment before responding. "Mother, wait. I am getting dressed." The door closed then. "Oh I am sorry about that dear. You normally don't sleep nearly well into noon. I was concerned." She said. Hawke got up off of the bed quickly. Shoving Fenris forward. The elf was in a slight daze from how fast Hawke moved. He saw Hawke slip a pair of pants on. His mother calling to him again. "Jake. Are you at least decent?" She asked. Hawke automatically answered yes. "Good, well I'm coming in then." Hs mother said opening the door. Hawke moved to block the door half way opened. His face was starting to stain with a blush. While Fenris hurried to find where his clothes were. While trying to force a growing 'need' to go away. Leandra looked at her son curiously.

"Jake, is something wrong?" She asked.

"Not exactly, no..." He responded.

"Then why won't you let me in?"

Hawke looked off to the side without saying anything. Though his blush was clearly evident. In the room Fenris tried to pull his clothes on but tripped over his chest plate. Causing him to fall to the floor and the armor to clatter. Hawke gave off a growl.

"Is there someone in your room?" Leandra asked trying to look past her son.

"Yes. I have someone with me. Can you please... Just..."

"Oh is it a girl? I can wait downstairs till you both come out." She said with a smile. Hawke's face paled. Wondering why his mother jumped to that conclusion.

"It... isn't a..." He wasn't even sure how he should say this.

"It isn't a what?"

Hawke looked over to Fenris and sighed. Before saying, "Get over here, Elf... I might as well tell her now..."

"Is it that new servant girl?" Leandra asked almost shocked.

"What?! No! Why would I. ... I see how you think that..." Hawke growled before opening the door as Fenris walked over and stared at the ground feeling very awkward.

Leandra was silent as she looked back and forth between the two men. Noticing that Fenris's clothes were put on messily. She seemed confused for a second. Hawke groaned.

"You know Fenris... And... Why am I trying to explain this. You are just going to be disappointed in me. You had your hopes set fairly high for grandchildren. Truth is. I find the idea of being with women repulsive... I'm sorry Mother." Hawke forced himself to say honestly before looking down. Almost ashamed. Fenris was quite shocked by how Hawke was around his mother. For a man who hated being told what to do. He was obedient to his mother. Fenris looked at Leandra, who seemed to be trying to grasp the idea that her son was gay. Without thinking Fenris suddenly spoke up.

"I am sorry that you found out this way. I am very fond of your son and I wished to be with him. If it is alright with you." He said bowing. Though now he wondered why he just blurted that out. Even Hawke was giving him a weird look he couldn't exactly read. This situation was just growing even more awkward by the minute. Or would it be considered Hawkeward? Fenris couldn't really be sure. "I'm not disappointed." Leandra said looking up to her son. Hawke's face was priceless. Fenris never knew Hawke could show something akin to pure disbelief. "I'm glad your happy. But you two better adopt a child!" Leandra said with a laugh. Getting both men to give her an embarrassed looked. Hawke was the first to respond.

"So... You aren't disappointed in me?" Judging by Hawke's voice. He must have expected his mother to not approve.

"Not in you per say. But disappointed in myself for wasting your time with the young ladies I kept inviting over." She said with a slight frown.

"It was a waste of time. But then again I had told you..."

"I know. I know. I just wanted you to be happy. Now. I'll leave you two alone." She said with a light laugh before turning and walking away.

"She... took it better than I thought..." Hawke said with a heavy sigh.

Fenris gave a sigh before picking at the feathers attached to his leather tunic. "I can't believe I blurted that out..." Fenris said walking away from Hawke.

"At least your were honest..."

"Hawke..." Fenris started getting Hawke to look at him. "You do realize this... What we did... was a mistake..." He continued as he looked down to the floor. Missing the way Hawke's face dropped dangerously. "I... I didn't mean to come here for-" He was cut off as a heavy hand latched onto his neck and slammed him into the nearby wall. Getting him to nearly choke and his markings flare. His eyes widened as he looked up at Hawke in a startled panic. Hawke's face had darkened. His head bowed.

"Did you... Just say... This... was a mistake?" Hawke growled out.

"I..." Fenris was cut off.

"That sleeping with me. Was a mistake!" Hawke nearly shouted as his right hand came up to his face. "Are you saying that I am a mistake?!" Hawke growled as he looked up then. Fenris paused as he saw Hawke's face. Blood from where Hawke was clawing himself and what looked like tears. "Do you have any FUCKING idea how I feel? What? Was I not good enough for you or was I too fucking much?" Hawke started to seeth as his teeth began to grind slightly. "I never. NEVER! Done this shit before with a guy... Never... I felt for you. Something I never felt before. All the other times I slept with men. It was just lust but this... You... Were different... There was something there. I felt... And yet... To you.. It was a mistake!" Hawke's body gave a jerk as his grip tightened.

Fenris clawed at the man's hand trying to pry it open. He could hardly breathe. His head started to pound as his vision began to grow dark. Just before he would pass out. Fenris felt his body collide with the floor harshly. Taking a deep breath of air and holding his throat. He coughed heavily as he forced himself to look up at Hawke. Hawke was leaning forward with both hands on his head now. Seems the larger man was trying to breathe. "I... I should have fucking killed you instead of allowing myself to be fooled by your fucking lie! I can't... I won't..." Hawke was crying. Fenris never saw this man have a mental break down that resulted in crying. Fenris felt his heart sink at the though that his words must have broken whatever trust Hawke had for him. He needed to explain what he ment. Before something truly horrific happens to him.

"I won't... I won't let anyone take you from me! I won't let you get away from me. If I can't have you. I will make sure no one else will.." Hawke said taking a step towards him. Fenris jolted from off the ground and backed up.

"H-hold on! Just let me explain what I was trying to say!" Fenris said as he backed away.

"What you said earlier... Was a lie straight to my mother's face..."

"Please. Listen to me, Hawke. I didn't mean that being with you was a mistake!" He ducked as Hawke swung a fist at him. "Just stop and listen to me!"

"Why should I? I opened myself to you. When I never opened up to anyone before!"

"Same here! But you have to understand why I said that earlier!"

"Why should I?!" Hawke said rushing him. Managing to shove him against the wall and pin Fenris. His nails biting into the leather armor. And effectively knocking the wind out of Fenris.

"I said it because I'm afraid!" Fenris said through the sharp pain shooting through his back.

Hawke paused for a moment as he glared at Fenris. Who was beginning to tremble now.

"I didn't lie. And I didn't mean that it was a mistake of being with you... last night like that... It was more than I could have ever dreamed... Though... I'm afraid of something happening to you... Danarius could use you against me. Threaten your life... I know your strong... But I don't want to risk it...You mean so much to me..." The elf managed to make himself say. Holding back the urge to cry. Fenris felt as he was forced to look up.

"I meant what I said... Fenris... I won't allow anyone to take you from me... You are mine... And only mine..." Hawke said dangerously. Fenris swallowed.

"I'm...Sorry that you misunderstood what I was trying to say...I shouldn't have worded it like that..." He said seeing Hawke close his eye. Taking a deep breath before letting it out.

"And... I should... apologize for my violent outburst...I... Should have let you finish speaking before jumping to conclusions...It's just... I really never felt this way about anyone really..."

"Same here... Um... Can we... not let the others know about this?"

"Aveline already knows as much... And it won't take long before the others find out..."

"Then we can cut their tongues out to keep the silence." Fenris jested then trying to lighten the mood.

"Mainly Varric. He has a very big mouth..." Hawke added.

The air about them had cooled down enough that they began to get dress properly. Hawke was hoping that his Mother didn't hear the scuffle that was made. Even getting angry at himself for letting his anger take control of him like that. Fenris was silent during the time getting dressed. He was mainly trying to figure out how to go about with the idea of Hawke being his -dare he say it?- boyfriend. He even began wondering on how their interactions would be. Curious if this would allow him and Hawke to indulge in things both probably have been putting off. After all people can only go without physical contact for so long. Then Fenris wondered if they would even have the time or privacy for such things. He knew Hawke was the kind of person who could not withstand waiting for certain things. Though he wondered where the topic sex was on that list of things Hawke needs. Yet what bothered Fenris even more is that he was still there in Hawke's room. He wanted so badly to just leave. Though knowing how Hawke is. That would not end well. As he finished getting dressed properly. He looked over to Hawke. The larger man was fully dressed now and pulling the bandages off his face. Fenris was slightly curious as he wondered if Hawke felt any pain in his face. The larger man cleaned up the area on his face before putting his head-gear on. Fenris slightly jumped when there was a knock at the door. "Jake, sweetie. I had lunch prepared for you and your special friend~" Leandra called from the door. Hawke gave a groan. "Did she really just refer to me as your special friend?" Fenris asked as Hawke walked to the door. "What is worse is that she wants you to stay for lunch..." Hawke seemed to give Fenris an odd look. Fenris really couldn't read much on Hawke's expressions besides anger and annoyance. In fact seeing any other emotions on his face was a first. Though what concerned Fenris more was now he had to sit with Hawke and his mother. Though Fenris still felt like he just needed to leave now. But that was going to be much, much harder to do. Mainly because he didn't wish to enrage Hawke again or seem disrespectful to the man's mother.

Later that night. Fenris made his way home. That day was extremely awkward in all situations. That morning he wanted nothing but to get out of there. Then he had forgotten that Hawke reacts differently than others. How he could have forgotten that Hawke was one prone towards violence is odd enough as it is. Though the confrontation resulted in him telling Hawke how worried he was. That morning when he woke up. A bunch of thoughts went through his head so quickly it made his mind spin. Then add in the factor of Hawke's mother. Well it just made the situation worse if possible. After the whole lunch ordeal was dealt with. Fenris talked quite a bit to Hawke in his room regarding them. Fenris wished to avoid such intense sexual behavior. Even if Fenris did relent a bit on the idea of Hawke physically stimulating him. As long as there was no sort of penetration done by Hawke for a good long while. After all it hurt quite a lot at first. Even so. Fenris wasn't sure he was truly ready for something like that to go on between them. So in all. Hawke's harsh heavy petting was allowed. Just nothing more than that. For Fenris's sake. Fenris finally made it up to his room and flopped onto his bed. Giving a heavy sigh as he rolled onto his stomach. He was still puzzled by his ability to actually walk after what went on between him and Hawke. Recalling the image made his blush. The feeling of the dark human's large hands upon him was still fairly fresh in his mind. He shivered as he got up. It was getting colder. He grabbed his sword and head downstairs to the room he prepared. Though. It wasn't as inviting as Hawke's room. Definitely not as warm. He set the weapon down and settled under the thick blankets. A bit too tired to even light the fire-place a few feet away. He slowly fell asleep fully armored.

Early that next morning. Fenris stirs from the sound of a door opening. He instinctively puts his hand on the dagger hidden under his pillow. Though a voice gets him to relax. "Everytime I arrive in the early morn. You ready a blade." The dark voice was amused. Fenris turns to see Hawke walk into the room. Hawke walks over to the fire-place and drops down to crouch in front of it. Meanwhile Fenris curled up more in the thick blankets covering him. Though he watched the larger man. Hawke worked to get the fire-place started. As a small ember started to spread, Hawke got up. Turning around to look at Fenris. "Why are you here?" Fenris manage to ask through a yawn. Hawke walked over to the elf slowly. "We need to help with Merrill so she can leave me alone." He said as he stopped before the elf. Who growled. "You really want to help that witch?" Fenris said giving a disapproving look. "We should get this over with before the cold weather gets far worse. I don't exactly enjoy it..." He said setting his hands on the bed. Fenris inched away. Giving a wary look at Hawke. "Must we?" The elf complained. Hawke leaned forward whispering the word, "Yes." Before jerking off the covers off Fenris. Nearly pulling the angsty elf off too. "Hawke!" The elf snapped as he backed up glaring at Hawke. Who gave off a mild laugh. "I am slightly disappointed that you are not undressed. But this is fine. Now I don't have to wait for you to prepare. We still have a bit of time however. If you wish to make it interesting." The larger man gave off a smile as he edged closer. Fenris blushed and backed up. "How about we just head over to the Hanged Man instead to wait for the others?" He said getting off the other side of the bed. Putting distance between him and Hawke. The larger man growled before relenting with a sigh. "Alright. Might as well see if Varric is up. Besides it isn't that early." The human said while scratching at his beard. Turning from Fenris and walking to the fire. The elf let out a relieved sigh. He was still wary about getting near Hawke due to what happened the other day. Fenris was going to keep his mind from going to dark places regarding the other man. He needed to keep focused on important things. Not that Hawke wasn't important. It was just that Fenris needed to think on thinks that weren't impure. Like Hawke running his hand roughly across the markings and making his way down towards... Fenris shook his head and flushed. He quickly went out of the room after grabbing his weapon. Being followed shortly by Hawke. "Can we head over there now?" He asked forcing himself to hide his emotion from Hawke. The larger man just hummed. "Might as well. Wonder if Varric is up or not..." Hawke murmured before walking past Fenris.

The two of them soon made their way towards the Lowtown district via shortcut. It was still early as there were few people setting up their stalls in the Lowtown Bazaar. Fenris gave a slight huff when he shivered. The temperature was steadily dropping over the last few days. As the beginning of the winter season was closing in. If they were going to help Merril with her stupid mirror. Then that ment they were going to have to camp out on the way up there. Fenris left off a groan of disapprovement. Following after Hawke into the tavern. Almost surprised to see Varric up already and down stairs. Varric saw as they came in and waved with a bright smile on his face. "There you are! And you brought the angsty Tevinter one with you too." The dwarf said with a slight laugh. "The angsty Tevinter one?" Fenris repeated staring at the story-teller with a look of unamusment. Varric just smiled at him. "Well you are like an angsty teen while Hawke is like an edgy mentally disturbed child who is obsessed with death. You should take it as a compliment, Elf. Or is it Bastard Elf? Haven't exactly heard Hawke call you that in a while. You must not be pissing him off enough." Varric said getting Hawke to scoff at him. "By the way Hawke. Did you come up with an offensive nickname for me?I was thinking handsome bastard would be nice. Or magnificent S.O.B. What you think?" He continued. Hawke looked him over before speaking. "Pansy." Varric clicked his tongue and threw up his hands. "I acted like that once! For a good reason too! I didn't want you breaking anything and you did anyway. You even threw it at some poor sod outside!" Varric said hopping of the chair at the bar. "Anyway. We should go get Daisy. Also. Isabela wants to follow. Now. I really don't want to go. But for Daisy's sake I will." With that being said the busty pirate walked up to them then. Fenris and Hawke both gave a groan as they saw the woman. This hike was going to be quite long. Fenris already knew it was. He just had that feeling as they went to get the witch. He waited as Hawke and the others got a few tents to go with them. After all it mostly takes three days going up and at least two coming back. Fenris just hoped the weather wouldn't get worse. He also hoped to the Maker that Isabela and Merril stayed away from his Hawke. Pausing slightly at the thought. He looked down. He shook it off and followed Hawke and the others to get Merrill from her house. This was going to be a long hike. Fenris swore it would be.


A/N Sorry it was a bit short but the next chapter will be longer. I promise.