Right, the end is drawing near my dear friends.
I have some ideas coming up soon that have been down since the start and also a new way of writing this for the chapter after next.
As for this, well we're seeing some true colours (excuse the pun) come out. Yes Lupin repeats himself, but he has to!
Reviews are amazing, I love you all, please keep them coming.
Enjoy.
Chapter 49
Nymphadora Tonks watched him excuse himself, and even though she wanted to be mad at the ridiculous things he'd said, it was too difficult to ignore the wave of pity that swept through her at the sight of Remus Lupin. Molly wouldn't let him go so quickly, she kept trying to offer him food and even to stay the night, but he politely refused and left, ignoring Fred and George on the way. When Tonks finally looked back, she saw Molly staring at her. It was a stare she was not familiar with, especially in regards to Lupin, Molly expected her to go and help, the problem was, Tonks didn't know how.
"So, Lupin's not himself yet then?" Fred asked, with a mouthful of roast potatoes.
"Don't talk with your mouth full," Molly snapped. "But no, he is not the same yet."
"He was his best friend. He just needs some time I think," Kingsley added.
"He doesn't seem to be doing anything. I haven't seen him upset at all, all he's done is focus so completely on the Order," Molly said, her worried motherly tones sounding like they were in over-drive.
"Molly, everyone grieves in their own way," Arthur said, patting her hand on the table.
"I know that. I just haven't seen him grieving at all," Molly finished with a worried expression as she looked out of the door Lupin had disappeared through.
"So he hasn't spoken to anyone or said anything to you lot?" Tonks asked, not knowing whether to feel sad or confused.
Everyone around the table looked at each other and then shook their heads. Tonks furrowed her brow and looked away. This was completely mental. The only way she felt better about the whole situation was because she had spoken about it to everyone. She had let her feelings out and she assumed in her absence he had done the same. She'd thought his new stoic behaviour was because he had no feelings left, not because he hadn't let them out. Ron and Ginny came bursting into the room after that, and all discussion on Lupin finished with their arrival.
"Moody?" Tonks asked as she found him alone staring at the Weasley's clock after dinner..
"I've always wondered how this thing works. It could be a tracking charm but I just don't understand it. What if it got in the hands of– "
"Moody, what was he like last time? Remus, when James and Lily died," Tonks interrupted, knowing he was about to start a rant.
"I wouldn't know. I didn't see him. No body did, except Albus. I heard he was at the Potter's burial with the Order members who went, but he hardly said word to anyone and left straight after."
Tonks bit her lip and looked away.
"People grieve in their own way Nymphadora, just like Arthur said," Moody growled. "Leave him be."
"But he's suffering," Tonks pleaded, her own feelings causing her to ignore the use of her first name.
"This is part of the Order. It's the risk you take in joining and Remus, more than anyone, understood that. Just give him some time," Moody growled. "On another note, when do you go back to work?"
Tonks left the Burrow and apparated into the safe point in her building, but as she reached her door, Tonks had a new idea. She turned on her heel and walked out of her building and half ran all the way to Grimmauld Place. Upon entering, she found that Lupin wasn't in the kitchen, the drawing room or even the dining room; so knowing he would go there eventually, Tonks went straight to his bedroom.
Tonks could hear him coming as she leant against his desk, the exact place she'd been yesterday when they're had that first disagreement. Resentment still boiled in her chest at the thought of that, but her visit today wasn't about that, at least not yet. The door opened and Lupin walked in. Instantly he spotted her and froze. He opened his mouth to say something, but gave a sigh instead and closed the door. He started on the walk towards his bed, not even acknowledging her presence.
"Are you okay?" Tonks asked boldly.
"Yes," he mumbled, still walking and still not looking at her.
For a second Tonks forgot why she even cared, not when he was going to behave like this. She knew she should be delicate with someone who was suffering, but this truly had gone too far.
"That's a lie. Anyone with eyes can see that's a lie," Tonks shot at him.
She wanted a response from him, but all he did was sigh and drop onto his bed. It was exactly what she didn't want. She wanted a fight. There was silence for a long time. It seemed strange that so much could travel between the pair as they sat, Lupin looking at the ground his head in his hands and Tonks staring at him, waiting for a sign.
"If you're here about yesterday, my mind hasn't changed," Lupin said exasperatedly, still not looking at her.
"Do I even get a say in this at all?" Tonks asked, hearing the test of patience in her own voice.
"It's for the best," Lupin said shortly.
It was the same line he'd used yesterday. It was stupid and pathetic, and it only fed the monster inside Tonks that was itching to get out and roar.
"Stop saying that," Tonks said with the tiniest bit of aggression.
There was silence as Tonks waited for a response that deep down she knew she was never going to get.
"Just stop behaving like a git for five minutes and actually think. You're doing this for the stupidest reasons I have ever heard," Tonks continued on.
"They're not stupid!" Lupin said, finally on his feet and finally Tonks could see the fire in his eyes. "Maybe in your world they are Tonks, but they are very real and they have consequences in the real world."
"We've grown up in the same world Remus," Tonks said icily.
"No we haven't. I grew up in a world of hatred and judgment and I will not be the one to put you in it too. Someone like you could never understand that."
It was like she had just been hit in the face, and it stung. How had she gotten this man so wrong? The Lupin she knew would never say things like that.
"Someone like me? And what's that supposed to mean?" Tonks snarled at him.
Once again he looked like he was about to speak, but he stopped himself, she hated when he did that.
"I'm not going to fight with you Tonks, I can't. I love you, but I just can't. Please accept that."
Tonks looked at him, feeling stunned and angry. She didn't understand how he could be so completely infuriating. She knew as she had before, that she had to be delicate, but for the life of her she couldn't muster up enough to feel sorry for him in that moment. He was behaving like a prat and she knew it may be her own insecurities, but it seemed he was using this all as an escape from her.
"This would be so much easier to believe if you were of sound mind Remus. Look at yourself. You won't even allow yourself to feel what you're going through. You haven't even let yourself cry since that night," Tonks said trying to hold back the venom in her voice, but knowing she failed.
"What do you want from me Tonks?" Lupin said, his voice finally breaking and tears welling up in his eyes. "I can't give you anything, I can't help anyone, I can't save anyone, I can't… I just can't. Not anymore."
She watched him break in front of her. Piece by piece he fell apart. His soul was crushed, his heart was shattered and his body was falling away. His shoulders were the first to go and they started sagging as he slid onto his knees. He was completely broken, everything had been torn from his grasp, just as he was getting used to holding it again. It wasn't fair, not for a man like him. She crossed the room instantly and wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he sat and his head burrowed into her stomach as if it had been waiting for the chance the whole time. He was gripping onto her, hard, and weeping into her shirt, sobbing and crying, taking great heaving breaths that allowed her to know his pain was suffocating him, threatening to kidnap him and take him to the deep dark places of despair.
She half picked him up and guided him towards the bed where he instantly crumpled again, taking her with him. He gripped her, painfully, and she stayed there, feeling tears silently slide down her cheeks, for the man she'd lost and for the other man who was still here in front of her, the one she was going to lose and she knew it.
Tonks awoke the next morning and it was in the few moments she usually had before she opened her eyes that she remembered what had taken place the night before. She slowly moved her arm across the bed, and she met no opposition on the way. Instantly her eyes snapped open and she looked around in alarm. She was alone. Just as the world was about to crash done around her, the bedroom door opened, and in came Lupin, tea and toast in hand. He still didn't look particularly good, in fact he looked just as exhausted and shabby as ever, but he was there, and that was what mattered.
"You thought I'd gone," Lupin noted, the tiniest bit of amusement in his voice as he placed down her mug of tea.
"I can't say it didn't cross my mind," Tonks said, not quite meeting his eye.
"Nor mine, but it seemed rude after what you did for me last night," Lupin said as he sat on the end of the bed just below her feet.
There was a long awkward pause and Tonks knew Lupin was formulating a way to say something. One of those heartfelt deep feeling kind of things he sometimes struggled with. She gazed at him whilst she sipped her tea, and he did not return her look.
"Thank you for that," Lupin said earnestly, meeting her eyes in a heart melting way.
Tonks knew he meant last night, and it didn't bother her too much that he couldn't say it. Everything felt normal again and she couldn't believe all it took was him finally being honest to himself about Sirius. Tonks ripped the crusts of her toast and gave them to Lupin as always, who ate them for her.
"You can sit next to me you know. I don't bite, you do, but I don't," Tonks laughed.
Lupin looked away, his face going from impassive to worried.
"I don't think that's appropriate."
Tonks felt her stomach drop. They were back to this? Her eyes narrowed on him.
"I'm very grateful for what you did for me Dora, but it doesn't change anything," Lupin said.
"Stop calling me Dora," Tonks snapped at him.
There was a silence as Lupin took a breath.
"I've told you my reasons, and you need to respect them," Lupin explained in a quiet voice.
"I'd respect them if they were even the tiniest bit right. And I've told you that I don't care. You're being an idiot."
"Maybe in your mind Tonks. But you need to look beyond your feelings and think about logic," Lupin said, almost begging her.
Tonks nearly wanted to laugh.
"How can you honestly say something like that about this? You can't use your brain Remus, not for this."
Lupin stood up and took a few steps away before he turned back around to look at her.
"It is the perfect time to do so, as should you. Think about what is going to come of you, what people will think of you. I can't do this, Dora. I'm sorry," he said, and he was pleading again.
This was about as much as she could take of him. She dropped her mug of tea onto the nightstand, knocking it over, but Lupin quickly repaired it with his wand like it was a habit. She flung the covers off her self and got out bed.
"Well you know what, I can't do this anymore, Remus," she snapped, rushing out the door and slamming it behind her.
She stomped down the stairs in a huff. What right did he have? After everything she'd done for him in the past, even after last night, and he still came at her with 'we should be friend's' bullocks. He was going the right way for a duel, that much she knew for certain. Tonks reached the bottom floor and was on her way up the hallway when her feet collided with the trolls leg she'd forgotten about.
Tonks hit the floor hard, knocking all the breath from her. She closed her eyes and gave a great sigh. All this time she'd been angry with Lupin, she hadn't actually let herself feel hurt by what he was doing. And now, as she lay on the ground, physically hurting, she let the other kind of hurt catch up. How was what they had so easy for him to dismiss? What had she done that made him want to give up on them? She felt her hair fall limp and she felt it tingle as the hurt started to set in. Just like almost exactly a year before, a pair of soft hands wove their way around her and lifted her up.
"Are you all right?" Lupin's hoarse voice whispered as he helped her.
"No," Tonks said flatly, as she shrugged him off, flicking her hair to a new colour.
She spun around to him and met his eyes fiercely, enjoying the fact that he seemed to recoil slightly.
"Of course I'm not all right," she snapped at him.
Lupin swallowed hard and then met her eyes miserably.
"It's for the best. One day you'll thank me," he said.
Tonks didn't know whether to hex him or kick him.
"I'll thank you for hurting me?"
"I still love you and I'm happy to be your friend, I just– we can't do this anymore, it's not fair. I'm too old, too– "
"Remus if you finish that sentence for the millionth time I will hex you into the middle of next week."
Lupin sighed slightly, resigning himself over to what he was about to receive Tonks thought, because she knew he wasn't going to stop. He was never going to relent, but part of her still wanted to fight.
"I have to go to work, but we're not done. And I mean that in every sense of the word. Come to my place tonight."
Tonks turned and left him without waiting for a response. She knew Lupin well enough know he would come, he was that kind of guy after all, he always held up his end of a bargain.
Tonks day at work was going to be strange, she knew that as she had the shadow of her evening with Lupin hanging over her, but it seemed to be stranger than she'd imagined. For the first time, Tonks was actually being taken seriously. It all came down to the battle in the Department of Mysteries, she knew that much. Auror's she'd never met were nodding at her approvingly, some even stopping to talk to her about what had happened. Even Scrimgeour seemed to be impressed, at one point, he had referred to her as Tonks during their morning meeting, something that had never happened before. As the day wore on, and Tonks handed in a new stack of new notes on Death Eaters, she found Kingsley leaning against the wall of his cubicle smiling. As she approached him, the first thing she noticed were the walls of his cubicle. They were completely bare and by her knowledge it was the first time she had ever seen them so. There was no Sirius smiling back at her anymore, and it took her a moment to get beyond that thought. Kingsley seemed to have noticed exactly where she was going.
"He's assigned me to a new case," Kingsley said, the smile on his face faltering slightly. "It was by his instruction that I took them down."
There was another silence, as Tonks blinked a few more times than seemed necessary.
"I kept some," Kingsley said, opening a draw at his desk.
There on top was a picture Tonks had seen before, but never had it made her feel so happy. Sirius was standing beside James and Lily at their wedding and he looked happier and younger than Tonks had ever seen him. It made her feel warm inside as she stared at it, it even caused her to smile at just how happy he looked. After a while Tonks finally looked up to Kingsley, who pulled the picture out of the draw and passed it to her.
"It's yours," Kinglsey promised and Tonks smiled back at him as she took it. "So I hear you're dealing with fame now?"
"I wouldn't call it fame, more like, recognition of just how great I am," Tonks laughed and Kingsley did the same.
"Modest too," Kingsley added with a wink.
"What's your new assignment anyway?"
"Protecting the Prime Minister. I'm on my way to Harrods right now actually. I don't think Wizarding robes will go down to well for my job interview tonight," he said. "Want to come for a drink at Leaky afterwards with Mad-Eye?"
"Nah I can't, I'm seeing Remus tonight," Tonks said without really thinking.
Kingsley arched his eyebrow at her for a moment and opened his mouth before shutting it again; clearly deciding not to say whatever he was going to. His mouth was twitching as if he was trying to hold back and smile and he cleared his throat before he spoke again.
"There's a special assignment coming for you. So don't let all this congratulations go to your head," Kingsley said, the smile finally breaking through.
"I won't sir," Tonks responded playfully. "What kind of assignment?"
"You'll find out in time," Kingsley said cruelly.
"That's not fair! You can't just say that and then not tell me," Tonks said faking outrage.
Kingsley only smiled, and Tonks took it as a sign to leave.
"Oh and Tonks," Kingsley called as she turned to leave, before dropping his voice to a low whisper. "I suspect those poor tattooed rocker boys are very disappointed with your choice."
Kinglsey smiled again and Tonks turned away with a roll of her eyes, grinning all the way back to her cubicle. It wasn't until she finally sat down that she remembered just exactly what state her and Lupin were currently in. All the happiness she felt disappeared just as quickly as the smile left her face.
There had been no specified time for Lupin to come over, but Tonks knew him as the kind not to be late, so she'd assumed around seven. At about half past seven, a flash of green light filled her apartment, causing Tonks to spill ink all over the piece of parchment she was writing on. When she looked up, Lupin was wiping ash from his robes. He looked just as exhausted and shabbier as ever, more so then he had after a transformation.
"Hi," Lupin muttered.
"How are you feeling?" Tonks asked, feeling oddly distant, and not just because they were on separate sides of her room with a couch between them.
"Fine," he said and Tonks rolled her eyes at his lie. "I'm better, does that make you happy?"
"No," Tonks said instantly. "I want you to be fine, I just know your not."
"I think fine would be a bit of stretch for anyone in my position."
There was a silence as Lupin's words hung in the air between them awkwardly, like they do when someone talks about their feelings.
"You cleaned up," Lupin noted, obviously to break the silence.
Tonks wasn't going to help him anymore than she had to, so she only nodded. He gave a small sigh and looked away from her again. Tonks put her quill away and used her wand to clear up the ink and then stood and walked into the kitchen.
"Do you want a drink?" Tonks asked.
"No, I'm fin– " Lupin stopped speaking as Tonks glared at him, "I'm all right thank-you."
It seemed odd to exchange pleasantries with a man she was soon she would soon be yelling at, but Tonks knew Lupin to be the kind of man to go through the niceties first.
"You wanted your say," Lupin said, obviously thinking he had to remind her.
Tonks examined him for a moment through her eyebrows as she opened her bottle of Butterbeer. He was still standing in exactly the same spot, between the couch and the fireplace. He was yet to budge from exactly where he'd been standing since his arrival, the irony was almost suffocating.
"Have you changed your mind about anything?" Tonks asked inquisitively.
"No," Lupin said slowly.
"Then I want you to tell me why," Tonks said, half curiously and half angrily.
"You know why," Lupin said staring across at her.
Tonks moved out of the kitchen and leant against the wall near the door, facing him.
"Tell me again then."
Lupin studied her for a second and then took a deep breath.
"Because, of every reason I've told you. I'm too old– "
"What's your reasoning there?" Tonks asked blankly, metaphorically trapping him without his knowledge.
"I'm nearly twelve years older than you. You deserve someone your own age."
"Look at that Flamel bloke, his wife is nearly thirty years younger than him," Tonks said somewhat smugly, it was a point she'd been thinking about all day.
Lupin nearly smiled.
"Yes, but he's six-hundred and something, that's different."
"So if we can live forever it won't matter then? I'll go out right now and find that ingredients for elixir of life if you want. Don't you see how ridiculous your argument is?"
Lupin hung his head for a moment before he spoke again.
"It's a different situation Dora. You deserve much more than I can offer you, I can't even afford new robes, let alone supporting someone else. I'm too dangerous and I– "
"For the, I think its the billionth time by now, I don't care about you and your werewolf thing. You are about as dangerous as a puppy!"
"Perhaps I am right now, but transformed or even when the rest of the pack comes for me I am not."
"So what, then maybe one night a month you're a little bit dangerous, but we've got the potion for that. We've got so many ways around it, that it's not an issue," Tonks said, half reciting the things she'd thought up in her head all day.
"What about the rest of them then? The pack. You don't understand these men Dora, they'll come for me and they'll come for you. Greyback won't rest until there's chaos. We're not human. There is a reason so many people ostracize us."
"Remus, you're not one of them, you know that as well as I do. Stop using that as an excuse," Tonks said exasperatedly.
Lupin looked at her again, but this time there was trepidation in his eyes.
"You think this is just an excuse for me to leave?"
The tone of his voice stopped Tonks from snapping at him, he seemed to be questioning the audacity of her words, even her thoughts.
"Yes I do," Tonks muttered in a small voice, looking at the floor.
Lupin instantly crossed the room and he was in front of her in seconds. He placed both hands on the side of her arms, as they were folded.
"Don't Tonks, don't think that's what this is, because it's not. I'm trying to protect you. I'm trying to show you that this isn't right. It was never going to be what you deserve," Lupin said soothingly, as he stared into her eyes.
It was difficult to stay mad, not when he was being the way he was, but his words seemed to be speaking louder than his actions.
"I've proven every one of your reasons wrong, why are you so determined to leave me?"
"I apologise, I didn't realise we were keeping score," Lupin said, taking a step back instantly.
"We're not. And stop trying to change the subject."
"There's no subject to change, and there's nothing left to discuss. I've told you my reasons. I'm sorry."
With that he turned on his heel and headed towards the door.
"Remus," Tonks said in a caring tone she didn't know she still had for him, stopping him when he had his hand outstretched. "You're doing this because you're afraid. You're afraid that I'm going to hurt you, that you're going to feel this way again. And I hope to god this has nothing to do with that argument we had on Valentines Day."
It took a few moments before he spun around, and the second before she saw his face; Tonks thought maybe she finally had him.
"There's no future here Tonks. There's nothing I can give you. You deserve so much more than this, than me. Look at what we've done with the short amount of time we had with each other. We fought and we struggled and it shouldn't have to be like that for you," Lupin explained as he walked back towards her.
Tonks furrowed her brow at him, not knowing whether she was more baffled than she was frustrated.
"Maybe that's how it works for us, maybe it should. We'll fight over and over and things will be really hard, but we'll do it Remus, because we care about each other. We care about each other enough for that stuff not to matter anymore. Why do you think I'm fighting for this so hard?"
Lupin hung his head for a moment, only adding to Tonks' frustration.
"Tonks, I just can't, you don't understand," Lupin sighed.
Frustration finally won the top spot.
"Stop saying that!" Tonks yelled, making Lupin flinch.
Tonks could feel the toll all this was taking. She felt like she was lying on the floor of the hallway in Grimmauld Place again. The hurt was back. Working its way into her heart like a shard of glass.
"But you wouldn't. No one can unless they've dealt with this."
"With what?" Tonks asked, her voice so full of contempt.
"You know very well what," Lupin snapped, well as close to snapping as Lupin could get.
"No I don't. I know this complete idiot of a guy who keeps me at a distance because of this stupid idea he has that he's dangerous. He's got some concept about how a werewolf should behave, even though it's complete bollocks!"
Tonks could hear the blood pounding in her ears, but she didn't care about being nice or sparing his feelings, when he truly did not deserve it. Hurt had pushed her beyond that boundary.
"Stop it. It's not stupid and I won't stand here being berated for trying to help someone," Lupin shot back, pausing only for a moment before speaking again. "I'm leaving."
He had only just turned away from her when Tonks spoke again.
"Naturally," she said maliciously, glaring at his back.
"Just cut it out!" Lupin yelled, turning back to her with rage.
It was scary to see him so worked up, and she thought for a second she could see the shadow of the wolf somewhere in his face.
"I want to stay, and even though that ridiculous and childish little ego of yours won't allow it, you know it's right for me," Lupin continued, his voice raised far beyond anything she'd ever heard from him.
"No it's– "
"I'm not finished," Lupin interrupted, half snarling. "Stop making me feel so guilty for something I can't help. You have no right to talk to me like I want to walk out on everything I know because I don't want to get attached. You don't know me well enough Dora."
"No I don't," Tonks snapped back, her voice finally catching up to her after the shock of Lupin yelling. "The man I loved would never do this."
The two glared at each other, both baring the signs of two people so clearly worked up.
"I'm leaving," Lupin said in a low growl.
"Good," Tonks spat childishly.
For a second Tonks thought she saw the shadow of the wolf go through his eyes, but with a final exhale, Lupin turned with menace and stomped out the door, promptly shutting it after him.
It almost made her laugh when he didn't slam the door; it was such a Lupin thing to do that she nearly couldn't help herself. It took a few seconds for the argument she'd just had to settle in on her. She dropped to the couch as her knees gave way. She couldn't help but think that maybe she had pushed him too far, that maybe this time he wasn't going to come back.
To be continued…
