Solana straightened her skirt and took another deep breath. She'd been hovering on the stairs up to Max's quarters for a good few minutes. The baby gurgled in her arms. She could hear low voices talking above, confirming everything she feared.
Cullen had gone to Max.
She hadn't seen him since he'd left her in that library. By the time Anders had taken her into her room, her shock had given way to sorrow. She'd been a tired, weeping mess. Celeste had fussed around her, asking too many questions. Solana had nursed, and then she'd slept. She'd woken at every sound, hoping that Cullen would come in, to visit with his daughter if not with her. After many restless hours, the dawn had streaked the stone floor pink and a messenger had arrived. The Inquisitor wished to see her.
There was only one reason she could think of.
Celeste hadn't been there when she'd awoken. Had she also been summoned? Or worse…
The little body in Solana's arms was warm and soft and so incredibly light. One chubby fist escaped from the swaddling and Solana kissed it. She briefly considered running, taking the baby and fleeing to Kinloch. But she wouldn't make it alone. And she couldn't abandon the others. If Cullen had reported them, if they'd been arrested, it was up to her to defend them, to claim responsibility.
They'd done it all for her.
The Inquisitor's room was swathed in bright morning sunlight when she pushed the door open. Cullen was there, no surprise. He fell silent at the sound of the door, turning to meet her without so much as a flicker of emotion on his well-schooled features. His arms were draped behind his back and only a small inclination of his head acknowledged her entrance.
"You asked to see me, Inquisitor?"
"Solana! Yes!" Max bounded over to her, closing the distance in no more than a few strides. "Oh, you brought the little one! May I?"
Startled, she handed the baby to him. He chuckled as he lifted her. "Oh, hello, Miss Rutherford. We've met before but I think you were asleep. I'm Max."
Solana shot Cullen a glance as the Inquisitor babbled to the baby, but his expression still showed nothing.
Max returned to his desk, still cooing as the baby's tiny hand closed around his smallest finger. "Cullen tells me you're planning an expedition?" Max asked.
"I…" Again she looked to Cullen. He said nothing. "Yes, an expedition," she said slowly.
"How many people do you need?" He pushed aside some pages on his desk, while holding the baby to his chest with his free hand.
"What?"
He glanced up at her. "As I said to the Commander, our resources aren't limitless, but if this research is what that Grey Warden claims, I believe it's worth the outlay. I'm afraid you can't take Cassandra." He flashed her his dazzling smile. "Not for personal reasons. I'm going to ask her to take over for Cullen while he's away."
Away?
This time when she looked at Cullen askance, he at least cleared his throat. But his eyes returned to the Inquisitor, who was gazing down at the pages on his desk. "Kinloch is in the middle of a lake, isn't it? So you won't be wanting a large party, I imagine. Let's see… Dorian's off back home… the Chargers are available but I'd recommend against it, Bull doesn't handle magic so well. Not after the Fade. Oh! Yes! The Fade. You should take Hawke. Oh, and maybe Varric. Varric's been muttering about going back to Kirkwall. You can give him one last adventure to remember us Southerners by." Max grinned. "That's two mages, a rogue and a warrior. Not counting yourse-"
A knock on the door drew his attention. A scout beckoned him to see to some urgent matter. He sighed, patted Cullen on the shoulder, handed Solana the baby and left. "I'll only be a moment. Sorry."
The absence of Max's energy plunged the room into deep silence. Solana finally asked carefully. "What's going on?"
Cullen drew air into his lungs and she heard it tremble. He closed his eyes. "I came to the realisation that I am powerless to prevent you throwing yourself into danger. You decided you will journey to Kinloch, as you likely determined you would assist with capturing a Red Templar, as you resolved to face the archdemon that night in Haven. If I were to try stop you, I imagine you'd simply dash away when my back was turned. So, I determined my only course of action is to accompany you."
"A-accompany me? But what about her?" She glanced down at their daughter.
Cullen turned and strode towards the Inquisitor's balcony. He stood looking out at the mountains, his hands still behind his back. "I sent a letter to my sisters this morning. We will be travelling via South Reach."
"Via? South Reach is days from Kinloch."
"This is not negotiable, Solana. Maralie will be able to care for our daughter while we are otherwise occupied. Besides, they will be anxious to meet her. We did promise a visit near First Day."
"And what? Varric and Hawke and whoever else Max decides to send with us come along to visit with your family?"
"Yes."
The baby started to fidget. That usually meant she was growing hungry. Hunger was a physical discomfort, and physical discomfort was the one thing she did react to. Since Max was out of the room, Solana seated herself at his desk and unbuttoned the top of her robe.
"Cullen, it's Kinloch. I'm not going to make you face that place again."
He turned, a response on his lips, but he choked on it. "What are you doing?"
"I'm feeding her."
"Here?"
The baby latched, her fingers flexing in satisfaction as she suckled. Solana smiled down at her. "Don't worry, Cullen. If Max comes back, I'll cover up."
"I… It's not…" He dropped it. "Never mind. As I was saying, Kinloch is empty now as I understand it. I'd have to be a particular kind of coward to be frightened of an empty building."
"I wasn't calling you a coward." He'd almost gone insane serving there. He'd confided as much to her once. In Max's quarters, as it so happened.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I know you weren't."
She watched him quietly. He hadn't been sleeping, she was sure of it now. There were dark marks beneath his eyes and his face seemed drawn. Her heart swelled with concern for him, but she didn't know how to voice it in a way that wouldn't upset him.
"Thank you," she whispered.
He startled. "Whatever for?"
"When I was summoned here I thought… I thought you might have told Max about… well, about what I showed you yesterday."
"I would be lying if I said I hadn't considered it. I don't…" He dropped his voice, even though there was no-one else there. "I don't approve of this happening in his fortress without his knowledge." His eyes lingered on Solana's breast, or perhaps on the child who was nursing there. "But I happen to love you. And I wouldn't wish any harm to come to you, regardless of what you may have done."
Warmth washed through her, relief tinged with shame. He still loved her. But when she tried to meet his gaze, he looked away quickly. They did not speak more.
Solana had the baby pressed against her shoulder, and was rubbing her back to coax her into burping, when Max returned to continue planning their expedition.
"I hear you're planning an expedition?" Hawke asked by way of greeting. He'd found Solana in the stables, and he leaned against one of the posts, offering her a lazy smile.
She was sitting at the wooden table where Blackwall had carved blocks of wood into children's toys. Her fingers were blue and yellow, and there was a pink smear across her nose. In front of her was Blackwall's very last creation, a wooden rocking "horse", shaped like a griffon to no doubt honour the Grey Wardens he so loved.
Only, with the splotches of colour Solana had added, it looked more like a Gamordan Stormrider. She was glaring at the paintbrush in her hands as if it has personally insulted her.
"Cullen's planning it," she said, without looking at him. "I think he was nervous that if he didn't, I'd run off to Kinloch myself."
"Which you would," Hawke offered.
"No. Not… entirely." She glanced down at her feet, and Hawke saw the basket. The baby was snuggled up in furs, fast asleep.
He knelt beside the basket, resisting the urge to pick up the baby and cuddle it. She was too adorable for words; a little doll with pink cheeks and a tiny rosebud mouth. "Well, she might be a little young to appreciate the old homestead."
Solana didn't answer, but after a moment she sighed. "I should have asked Solas for lessons before he ran off. I have no idea what I'm doing."
"I think the trick is to let one layer dry before adding more colours," Hawke suggested.
She set down the brush, "You're probably right." Then, before he could stop her, she dropped her head forward into her hands. He cringed, not sure how to tell her she now had blue temples. He drew a deep breath. Time enough for that later. That's not what he came here for.
That morning, after a night of frenzied lovemaking, he'd woken in Anders's arms.
"I missed you," Anders had said, warm cheek pressed against his spine.
"I missed you too," Hawke had responded automatically.
"Did you?" The question had been so simple, and yet it had set Hawke's stomach in knots. He'd pulled away.
"Of course I did."
"I didn't receive any letters."
He'd apologised, turned it into a jest about how Anders didn't like his penmanship anyhow. And he'd explained that he'd been busy leading the mages in battle, he simply hadn't had time to write.
Yet he knew that the Commander had found time. Leading the entire army, he'd found time to sit scribbling letters in front of the fire. One of those nights, while Cullen had been pouting over parchment, scratching out as many words as he wrote, Hawke had thought about it. But what would he say? Echoes of the fight they'd had months ago rang in his head.
If you wanted to leave me you should have just said. None of this 'I can't wait until I'm in your arms again' bollocks.
He didn't know what he wanted. The thought of losing Anders was unbearable, the thought of being the only thing of value in Anders's life, the only one keeping him from turning into a vengeance demon, was likewise.
"Solana…" he said now.
She glanced down at him, confirming that, yes, she did now have blue temples. It said a lot about his current state of mind that he didn't burst out laughing at the sight.
"I was wondering… would it be possible for Anders to join our little quest?"
She blinked. "I'm sure it would be. Cullen might need some convincing." A smile pulled at her lips. "I'm guessing you don't want to leave him so soon after returning from the Wilds?"
Hawke chuckled, not sure what to say. "It's not just that. He knows Kinloch better than anyone. He managed to escape sev-"
"Seven times. I know."
"Yes, well. I believe he would be a valuable addition to the party."
"And?"
"And?" he raised his eyebrows, askance.
"And there's something you're not saying."
Hawke sighed and reached into the basket to tuck the blankets more securely around the baby. "And he's a Warden. He knows magic, he knows healing and he knows the taint. If anyone can figure out the cure from this elf's research, it's Anders." She wasn't buying it, from the way she was looking at him. "And… he's a Warden. Thirty years, right? Closer to twenty now."
Her look softened. "You want to cure him."
"Is that really so surprising?"
Let her think that was all there was to it. Let her think that it was more than just a desperate attempt to force himself back in love with the man.
Solana smiled softly. "I'll speak to Cullen."
It was only when they were in the stables, getting ready to set off, that Cullen realised how much of an outsider he'd be on this particular mission.
Celeste and Solana were fussing over the baby and every so often he'd catch a snippet of advice from the maleficar.
"Now when she's hungry she tends to grunt."
"I know that."
"And if she starts crying after a feed, it's probably gas."
"Celeste, I know that."
"She'll want a feed every four to six hours, so ask whoever's on watch to wake you."
"Celeste, I'll be fine."
Celeste had her own child in Denerim, Cullen knew. But she'd been here looking after his, while Solana had been recovering. From death.
He swallowed and turned his attention to the other huddle of people, packing the last items into saddle pouches. Varric, Hawke and Anders. The three had adventured together for nearly a decade. He couldn't imagine what it must be to have a friendship that lasted that long. Even though he knew from things the dwarf had said before Anders's unexpected arrival that Varric did not approve of what he'd done, and hadn't nearly forgiven him, they were companionable, falling into what must have been old habits.
"Hey, Blondie, did you hear the one about the qunari and the mabari?"
Then there was Cassey. Cassey who had probably been one of his charges, and yet he couldn't even remember her. He could remember the days the blood mages had taken over Kinloch with crystal clarity, but the faces of the individuals in his care had been purged from his memory. Lyrium, probably. It did that. Or perhaps it was the guilt. He'd called for the Rite. He'd wanted them all to burn.
She stood apart from the rest, fiddling with a ring on her finger the way that Solana had when they'd first reunited, and while Cullen could have approached her and made friendly conversation, his guilt stood between them as solid as his shield.
Instead, he pulled out his map. By his calculations, if they made good time, they could be at Kinloch within the week. One day down the mountain, one to Redcliffe, where they could stay at an inn and stock up on supplies, then across Lake Calenhad and across the bannorn. Travelling light, they could make it across the flat farmland to South Reach in two days. From there… a further two days to the docks. The docks. Ice in his belly. He shut his eyes.
It didn't matter. That was all past and Solana was here and now and alive. And he was going to make certain she stayed that way.
They were only a few hours out the gates when the first disruption to Cullen's carefully laid plans came.
A hooded figure galloped after them, at a disconcerting speed considering the narrow mountain road. Its horse whinnied and kicked up dust and snow as it drew nearer and Cullen was cursing under his breath as he pulled his own horse to the side so that the rider might pass. The others followed his lead, but the rider did not pass them. Instead, it drew to a halt and Cullen was about to give it a piece of his mind, when it lowered its hood.
"Hello." Trevelyan grinned at him. "I don't suppose you'd mind if I were to join you?"
