Disclaimer: Not mine! All the characters you recognize belong to JE, I'm just playing. While this is an AU story, it has the potential to possibly spoil or mention something from any of the books 1-18.
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Tissues may be needed.
Previously:
"He died," she whispered, "in Desert Storm. My Allen was a soldier too. Only he didn't come home to me like he promised. I hope your Carlos can keep his promise." And with that, she closed her eyes.
I felt tears prick my own eyes, and whispered to her now-sleeping form, "Me too."
Ch. 49
I was still reeling from Donna's admission the next morning. Christmas was only two days away, and I knew that I had to hold it together for my family's sake, but I wasn't sure how I would. Donna's soldier hadn't come back from war, and I kept asking myself over and over again: Would mine? And just as importantly: If my soldier didn't come back, would I ever get over it? Well, at least I knew why she never wanted to talk to me about Allen.
I kept my emotions in check the best I could and tried to enjoy the holiday. Val and Joe were incredibly happy together, almost sickeningly so. They had stayed in Trenton so we could all enjoy the Christmas holiday as a family. I thought I was going to lose my breakfast when Valerie called Joe her "Sweetie Pie" as we were getting ready to open gifts.
Donna and I spent Christmas morning at my parents' house with my family and the Morellis, and planned to head to Newark for an afternoon with the Manoso clan. Joe and Val were leaving for a four-day honeymoon in New York City the next morning, and Mom and Mrs. Morelli were taking turns keeping Angie. The newlyweds hadn't had much time together without Angie, so four days alone was exactly what they wanted. Val had even said they could stay in Trenton; she just wanted a little time alone with her new husband.
Donna changed her mind and opted to go back to her hotel when I left for Newark. She said she needed a nap after all the delicious food my mother had served for Christmas breakfast. And while I felt bad leaving her alone, I enjoyed spending the afternoon with Carlos' family. Being with the Manosos without Carlos made the fact that he really wasn't there all the more real. The entire family was somewhat somber; they all missed Carlos and Les. I spotted Abuela Rosa running her rosary beads through her fingers on more than one occasion. Mari and Alex looked through the family photo albums and pointed out Uncle Lester to Benji, whose face lit up in the most adorable smile at the sight of his uncle. I knew hearing that would make Les happy, and reminded myself to tell him about it in my next email.
The brightest spot of my Christmas? Receiving an email from Carlos. He wished me a Merry Christmas and told me how much he loved me and missed me. He promised me that someday, we would never be apart for a holiday again—that we would spend it as a family and that he, for one, survived by thinking of our "someday". It made me smile and cry at the same time. Thinking about someday became a new pastime for me. Every time I thought of something I wanted to do with him someday, I wrote it down. It couldn't possibly hurt to start planning early, so that was exactly what I was going to do.
Joe and Val arrived home in time to celebrate New Year's with our family. Val had a definite glow to her that I recognized—and missed! Donna joined the Plums at the annual New Year's Eve party held at Trenton's VFW Hall, as did the Manosos, except for Alex, Mari, and Benji, who had already returned to Miami to ring in the New Year with Mari's family. Her parents had been on a six-week cruise spanning both the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, and had just returned. We had gone to the annual party every year when I was growing up, and it had always been a good time.
Grandma and Abuela Rosa had a fantastic time cutting a rug with various men. I found myself laughing at Grandma when she would squeeze her dance partner's butt, and then give Abuela either a thumbs-up or thumbs-down. If it was a thumbs-up, Abuela would take a turn dancing with him; if it was a thumbs-down, she wouldn't. I guess Grandma was acting as quality control that night.
Donna had a great time at the party too. She spent a lot of time dancing with Sergeant Joe Juniak, who, according to Daddy, was running for Chief of Police in the fall. Juniak and Daddy had been friends for a long time, and he was practically family, so I knew he was "good people". The fact that Juniak and Donna spent the evening in each other's arms made me smile. It seemed everyone was having a great time.
I didn't do as much dancing as I normally would, but did dance a few times with some guys I had known all my life, starting with Eddie Gazarra, who recently married into my family by marrying my cousin Shirley the whiner. (She came by that nickname honestly!) Shirley was expecting their first child and needed to sit down for a while, so Eddie gave me a spin around the floor. It was fun reminiscing and laughing with him like old times.
I also danced with Carl Costanza, who was a year ahead of me in school. He asked when I was moving back to Trenton, and seemed truly disappointed when I said I didn't think I ever would. He told me it was boring without me around. I wasn't sure whether to take that as a compliment or not.
After my dad had danced with me, Carlos' father took me for a spin around the floor. As I danced with Ricardo, I allowed myself to imagine Carlos as an older man, and me dancing in his arms. I missed him so much, and times like that, when I could picture him holding me, loving me, made it so much worse.
I excused myself shortly after my dance with Ricardo. I couldn't bear to stay until midnight and watch all the happy couples embracing and kissing as they rang in the New Year. Instead, I headed home and booted up my laptop. To my delight, there was another email from Carlos! So I rang in my New Year alternating between reading his email and looking at a picture of us from last Christmas. I once again reminded myself of the things I wanted to happen "someday", then tucked myself into bed and had wonderful dreams of the man I wanted to spend my someday with.
The morning of the first was quiet. It was the one-year anniversary of Grandpa's death, and while Grandma had had a great time the night before, cutting a rug with nearly every senior in the Trenton area, that day she was a mourning widow.
After a quiet breakfast, Grandma asked me if I would take her to the cemetery. It was the last place I wanted to go, but I agreed without hesitation. Grandma didn't ask much of me, and she was always supportive, so the least I could do was return the favor. Mom asked if she could go with us, but Grandma asked for some privacy; I could tell it hurt Mom's feelings, but she didn't argue.
Bundled in down jackets, I definitely missed the warmth of Miami as Grandma and I headed to the cemetery. When I pulled up to the aisle near Grandpa's grave, I noticed Grandma take a shaky breath before straightening her spine and opening the Buick's door. I smiled to myself at Grandma's bravery—at least I knew where I got mine from.
I followed Grandma along the frost-covered ground. It hadn't snowed, but the grass was still frozen. I stood and listened to Grandma telling Grandpa how much she missed him, and how much fun she was having in Miami, but that it just wasn't the same without him. She told him she would love him forever, but that she knew he would want her to be happy and try to move on. It broke my heart when her voice caught as she was telling him that no matter what, she would never love anyone as much as she loved him. The tears were flowing down my cheeks, as well as Grandma's, as we made our way back to the car. There was so much I wanted to say to her, but I couldn't say anything.
Donna and I returned to Miami on January second. Grandma Mazur and Abuela Rosa had decided to stay for another week or two. Grandma was on my mind the entire trip back. I thought about how much she loved Grandpa—a lifetime of loving him!—and only hoped that I would have that long to love Carlos.
After we got off the plane, and were preparing to go our separate ways, Donna spoke up.
"Stephanie, I do hope that I didn't upset you when I told you about Allen. I realized later that that was the last thing you needed to have on your mind with your Carlos overseas. I'm so sorry."
"Donna, you don't have to be sorry. Soldiers die every day. I have no illusions regarding what Carlos and my friends are going through. I'm just so sorry for your loss, and that you thought you had to keep it from me."
"I wasn't just keeping it from you, Stephanie. No one at the office knows about Allen. I try to keep my personal life separate from my work life. And I don't want anyone's pity."
"I can understand that. I promise I will respect your privacy and won't mention it to anyone."
"I appreciate that, Stephanie. Go ahead and take tomorrow off, but be prepared to work hard on Monday. I have you for a few weeks before you go back to school, and I'm sure we'll have quite a bit of work to catch up on after being gone this long!" Judging by the smile on her face as she turned to leave, I knew she wasn't actually that stressed about the pending workload.
Silence greeted me as I walked into the apartment about thirty minutes later. It crushed me nearly every time I came home, knowing Carlos wouldn't be there. After depositing my suitcases in my closet, promising myself that I'd take care of them tomorrow, I stripped down, threw on one of Carlos' T-shirts, and climbed into bed with my laptop. The shirt still smelled faintly like him, and I couldn't keep myself from burying my nose in it as the computer booted.
I was shocked when MSN Messenger signed on and showed that Carlos was online as well. I was even more surprised when the window popped open with the word I so wanted to hear—not just read—"Babe?"
"I'm here."
"I was just writing you an email when it said you signed on. Where are you?"
"In our bed in Miami. How are you? Are things going ok? How's Les? Have you heard from Bobby?"
"One thing at a time, Babe. I'm ok. Tired and freakin' freezing, but ok. Les is good, I just saw him yesterday. And I heard from Bobby a couple days ago too. He's good…missing not being with his Mom and Aunt for the holidays, but good. Now...you said you were in our bed, what are you wearing?"
I couldn't help but laugh at his question. I also couldn't keep from telling him.
"Your black T-shirt. The one I always wear. It still smells like you."
"Mmmmm, Babe. I can picture you in that shirt. What else?"
"Nothing else, Carlos."
There was a hesitation before he typed, "Nothing else? No panties?"
I was wearing panties, but hadn't realized that was what he meant when he asked "What else?" So I elaborated for him: "I'm wearing black silk bikini panties." After I hit Send, I had a mild panic attack. "You aren't where anyone else can read this, are you?"
"No one is in the Comm tent with me right now." That made me feel somewhat better, but the thought of anyone from the government reading about what kind of panties I was wearing was unsettling.
"Tell me about you, Carlos. Anything you can."
"There isn't much I can tell you, Babe. I'm alive and without any major injuries. And missing you like crazy! What I wouldn't give to be in bed taking those panties off you right now, Babe."
"I'd give just about anything for you to be able to do that right now too. I miss you so much, Carlos."
"I miss you too, Babe. How was Christmas with the family? Is everyone well?"
"It was wonderful. Val and Joe's wedding was beautiful, and Grandma Mazur and Abuela Rosa had a great time together at the New Year's Eve party. You should see Benji, he's getting so big! And his little eyes just lit up every time Mari and Alex pointed out 'Uncle Lester' in a picture. They all missed you and Les, I missed you and Les. I missed you! But it was good."
"I miss them all too. I miss you more than I can possibly convey, Babe. I love you. Listen, I only have two more minutes of time online. Do you want me to keep talking to you, or finish the email I was writing so you have something for later?"
"Finish the email. It will give me something to read tomorrow night. I love you so much, Carlos. Don't get shot, ok?"
"I'll do my best, Babe. Don't go crazy, ok?"
"I'll do my best."
"Love you, Babe."
"Love you!"
I stared at the computer screen for a long time. So long that I lost track of time, but I just couldn't close the window with his words, "Love you, Babe". I could almost hear him saying them to me...almost.
TBC…
Author's Note: I apologize for the delay in posting. Life got in the way and then I got in a funk. I'm having a bit of writer's block and don't want to just put out words for sake of posting. I want to stick with how I've done it so far, and that means a delay. So...thanks for sticking with me. I'm doing my best to push through the fog and get another chapter out to you as soon as possible. I so appreciate the support! I would love to know your thoughts on this chapter.
