Struggle Away – Vanitas

Is that was this stupid painful thing in my chest is called, love? If it is, I hate it. Why would anyone want to deal with something so restricting, something that eats away at you from the inside?

I can't kill Aqua, which is completely, utterly idiotic. I'm a heart of pure darkness, for crying out loud! But that – that thing in my chest makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack whenever I try. If she was dead, maybe I wouldn't feel like this, but so much for testing that theory.

I want to be close to her so bad, and she hates me, and I hate her. No, I really don't hate her, butI want to hate her. That would be easier than being "in love" – if that's actually what this is – with her. It's not like I even have a chance, right? She'd never want to be with me.

So here I am in Disney Town, another stupid place I hate, sitting on top of a building and creating Unversed for her to fight. She fights like a dancer, spinning and shooting burning light everywhere. Stupid show-off. Why does she have to be so pretty? Gah, I could strangle her. I wish.

I wonder what would happen if I just went down there and yelled at her about all this. For all I know she's using her stupid light-powers to make me love her. This is all her fault.

You know what? It's not like I've got anything to lose. So I dissolve my mask because I feel like it and jump down in front of her, making her gasp in surprise.

"Wha- who are- You!" She yells, a scowl on her face. Why can't she look at me like she does those idiots Terra and Ventus?

"Surprised?" I smirk. Man, even when she's angry she still looks so infuriatingly beautiful. I'm going to kill her. Summoning Void Gear, I lunge at her before she can ask about why I'm not wearing my mask.

She blocks my strike with a barrier and then cartwheels away, like a flighty little fairy. Growling, I dive into a pool of darkness and emerge behind her, striking the vulnerable spot between her shoulder blades. She should really wear some armor instead of that skimpy outfit. Maybe my Unversed already weakened her, maybe she's having an off day, I don't know, but she collapses to the ground from that one hit.

"Who… are you?" She growls.

"Someone who wants you dead very, very much," I snarl back, baring my keyblade. This time I will kill her –

I double over in pain, eyes clenching shut. Her – freaking – light–! I struggle to fight it, but I can't tear away. It's like there are physical tendrils strangling me even though I can't see them.

"What…?" Aqua gets to her feet with some effort. Is she not doing this on purpose? I feel like I'm dying, and it's not hurting her at all?

I reach out to her, not really knowing what I'm doing. "Stop it… stop…" I probably sound like I'm begging, but it hurts so bad I can't help it.

Is that… pity I see on her face? Could this get any worse?

Yes, apparently it can. When the pain almost feels unbearable, I grab her arm and pull her close, pressing my mouth to hers hard.

The pain goes away. It feels so good.

I hate my life.

Her eyes widen, but I keep kissing her, and she seems paralyzed. Hey, it's not like I'm going to get another chance like this. Might as well make the most of it. It's embarrassing how I have to stretch up to reach her face because she's taller than me, but I don't really care too much. Since she's not struggling I kiss a little softer, letting my eyes close, and place one hand on her cool cheek.

Then, for one possibly-imagined split second, she kisses me back. Her lips are so soft.

What.

After that she pushes me away. "I – You – You monster!" She whirls around and darts off.

I shrug like it doesn't bother me, but I can't help following her from the rooftops to see what she's going to do. Nothing, it looks like. She slumps against a building, touching her fingertips to her lips. Too bad I can't tell what she's thinking. I hope she liked it, even though that's stupid. She hates me.

I'm such an idiot. Why do I want her to like me so much, anyway?

I hate her. I love her.

Being a heart of darkness sucks.

A/N: Writing Vani's POV is really fun. This was an odd idea, but I actually had a dream somewhat similar to this. Yeah, weird. Anyway, this is my first time writing VanQua, and Aqua's probably OOC, but I tried. *shrug* I've been doing BbS characters a lot for some reason.

Also note that unless specified otherwise, these drabbles do not take place in the same universe. I wouldn't put TerQua and VanQua in the same story if that was the case, or the RokuShi and AkuShi that I've already written for that matter.