Chapter 50 Heartaches

Inumaru awoke in his bed the next morning and realised he had been put there after he fell asleep in his mother's arms. A fresh wave of remorse washed over him as he remembered that she had cried in disappointment of his behaviour; telling him that the little girls were her children in the same way that he was and she and Papa loved them all the same. When one of them was hurt it hurt the parents as well and if they hurt one another the pain was worse. Inumaru hated to see his mother cry for the same reason that Inuyasha did; It made them feel powerless.

But that was yesterday and he had been forgiven; he felt more peaceful in his mind as if he had calmed his spirit in some way. He realised that that must be what Papa told him yesterday, his youkai blood needed to know it's place in the pack and now it did, it had stopped being aggressive. Inumaru was pleased that he felt more like his old self again. He looked at his hands and remembered how sore they had been but now there was no sign of the bruising inflicted by his uncle, the youkai healing was swift and thorough.

It was a new day and Inumaru was hungry for breakfast and was eager to find his father. Inuyasha welcomed his son with a lick to his mark sending a feeling of belonging surging through the pup's veins and he hugged his father before eating a big breakfast. Afterwards he ran cheerfully into the gardens and gave Kagome a welcome hug and rushed off to find his little sisters.

Two dark heads looked up from their play when they heard him coming and they launched themselves at him, berating him for hurting their sister's ears and spoiling their pictures. Inumaru looked serious and said how sorry he was for losing his temper and he told them that he would help them draw some more. Honour having been satisfied and the girls attention grabbed by someone else, the boy left them in search of his smallest sister.

He looked firstly for Rin, as normally the girl would know where all the pups were at any given time; Shippou pointed him in the direction of the gardens and he left at a run, only to skid to a halt at the sight of his uncle. Sesshoumaru had also come to the garden having seen Rin with Akari picking up and playing with the autumn leaves, that were ending their lives on the ground.

The trees were already bare along the branches in preparation for the snows of winter and they hung heavy with the last of the berries. Food that proved suitable for grateful birds and lesser youkai that otherwise would find real hardship and face starvation in the harshness of a hard winter. However hard the winter though, Sesshoumaru would not have starvation in his lands; the Daiyoukai might take ruthless action against his enemies but those who lived on his lands providing a diversity of life would always find fresh water and sufficient food.

He had woodsmen to take care of the forests and the local flora and fauna with rangers who kept things tidy. Any injured or elderly animal would be culled and left for those who were in need. The youkai he left in charge of the lands would know where more food would be needed. Sesshoumaru's lands were prosperous and peaceful, no one wished to be moved from his protectorate if they were wise.

But for now all that harshness was around the corner and in any case would not affect those within the Palace. Inumaru came up quietly behind Rin and Akari intending to play peek-a-boo with his baby sister. But as he came silently nearer, Akari caught his scent and turned to look up at her big brother. To her baby mind she saw not a grin, but sharp predatory teeth, her brother creeping round to grab her and hurt her again.

With a little wail she turned her huge amber eyes on him in total fright; her tiny hands reached up to cover her ears and she told him to go away as she backed up and into Rin's legs, not once removing her tearful gaze from her brother's face. Rin picked the child up trying to soothe her but the baby would not take her hands away from her ears and just cried at her brother telling him to go away.

Rin glanced at her Lord and receiving a slight nod, she walked away carrying the distressed child; leaving Sesshoumaru to pick up the pieces of his by now distraught nephew. Putting his hand up his sleeve, Sesshoumaru drew out one of Rin's sweet treats and offered it to Inumaru; but was not really surprised when the pup shook his head.

"She hates me now uncle Oo" Inumaru signed and said, choking on the huge lump in his throat; and blinking his eyes against the sudden sting behind them. He had hated seeing the fear on the tiny face which had it seemed to him to just be made of huge wet eyes.

"She is far too young to know hate, Inu. She is just scared, you must be gentle and smile at her. Win her over by touching her ears and petting them without hurting them and tell her that you are sorry. You could try to offer her a small sweet to win her confidence."

"Will it work?"

"It always worked with your Papa. Even though I did it time and time again. I have seen that same face doing the same thing of holding his ears far too many times, yet he always trusted me not to hurt him again. Time after time I betrayed that trust and thought he was an idiot to fall for it all the time. I have since learned to be grateful for his trust. Never make my mistakes Inu... she will trust you." Sesshoumaru waved Rin back over to them and took his niece into his arms and looked her in the eyes.

"Your brother is sorry for hurting you and he has been punished for his naughtiness, will you let him say so himself?" Sesshoumaru watched as the two children who were so alike and the image of his brother, stared at one another. Akari had not yet removed her hands from her ears even though she was no longer telling Maru to go away.

"Orry Kari, orry." Inumaru said as he slowly and gently approached the baby; offering her a sweet that Sesshoumaru had magically produced once again from his sleeve.

He did not notice the tears fall on his cheeks as the younger child took the sweet into her mouth from his fingers; her eyes never leaving his face. Then he watched as Sesshoumaru put her on the ground. Inumaru put his hands to his little sister's and pulled gently, kissing the ears as they appeared.

Gradually her confidence grew and she allowed her brother to stroke and scratch her ears in a way that they all liked then she smiled and put up her little arms to be carried. Then laughing together Inumaru said thank you to his uncle receiving an upturned eyebrow in reply before they ran off to find their parents.

"The children remind you of things you would rather forget, don't they Lord Sesshoumaru?" Asked Rin; she had seen the fleeting glimpse of sorrow on his face. He looked at her in astonishment.

"How would you know of what happened all those years ago Rin?"

"People talk my Lord, many of your people remember when you were young and I like to learn of you. I mean no disrespect and I overhear many things. Jaken tells me not to listen but I have put many things together. I am very glad you have your family again my Lord, you will make a fine father." Rin was a bit surprised at her own audacity in her speech and blushed; a fact Sesshoumaru noticed, but he was not displeased with the girl. She had always been allowed to speak her thoughts to him and he found he liked this aspect of her, her honesty was refreshing.

"I would not do Inuyasha the disservice of forgetting his childhood Rin. If I am to be reminded of my treatment of him then that is my bane, I was old enough to know that my actions were wrong. He cannot forget so easily and therefore I have no right to do so. It has strangely made our relationship stronger now."

"I was surprised when I first heard of his younger years. In all the time I have know you, I have never known you to be cruel; you have always been so kind to me."

"Believe it Rin; I was very cruel, in fact I even pretended to have given the boy his mother back from the dead not that long before I raised you with Tenseiga. I think knowing you has helped me to come to terms with Inuyasha, to help me realise what I was missing in my life. I am grateful to you as well Rin."

"My Lord it was you who gave me my life, remember."

"Indeed. Now I have a surprise for you. I would like you to help in the preparation for a Grand Banquet and Ball this winter. It will be something to look forward to in the middle of the cold weather. We will accomodate our guests for a week and who knows, perhaps I shall find someone worthy of being my mate and the First Lady. You would like that Rin would you not, I believe all girls enjoy dancing."

"Of course my Lord, I will be delighted to help...I...I enjoy dancing very much...I hope you find someone... someone suitable...my Lord...someone who will... love you."

"No one could ever love me like you do, my little Rin; you always look out for my best interests." Sesshoumaru gave her one of his smiles, one that he knew always made the child happy, he did not see the effect of it on the young woman because as yet he did not see her.

"May I leave now Sire?" Rin's voice was getting unsteady.

"You may go Rin of course." Sesshoumaru turned to leave as gracefully and silently as he always did. Rin watched him go and her heart leapt in her chest so high and then plummeted so low that she thought for one minute that she might faint. There was not one thing about Sesshoumaru that Rin did not love and by now she did know a great deal about him in addition to her own experiences.

She was not sure when she first knew that the love she held for her Lord had changed from that of a tiny adoring child, to the 'crush' of her early teens and on to the deep feeling she had now as a seventeen year old. Rin knew that there was a change, now she could see his faults; in fact had gone out of her way to find them only to become admiring of the way he had tried and mainly succeeded in overcoming them and righting the wrongs he'd caused.

In fact Sesshoumaru would be surprised at just how much Rin knew about him even down to being able to read his every expression; years of observation had taught her the meaning of every nuance on his by now beloved face. But she wondered, did she not please or attract him? Was it because he would never contemplate mating with a human or did he still see her as a child? Personally she thought it was a combination of the last two.

She could still see him as he moved unhurriedly back to his office. Every now and then he would be approached by one of his advisors and need to converse with them before moving on again. Turning rapidly on her heels, Rin made her way to Kagome and the children who would be a welcome distraction from her thoughts. However when she reached their private suite she saw the little family playing all together in a general romp and it was too much for her; she ran from the sight back into the gardens.

Inuyasha saw her go and motioned to Kagome. An understanding look passed between them and Kagome followed after the girl while Inuyasha carried on with the rough and tumble of his children which could get rougher now that Mama had gone; the hanyou children being able to take a lot more than their human mother even if the youngest were only two.

Catching up to Rin quite quickly, Kagome took the unhappy girl into her arms and let her cry until she needed to speak. Consoling the girl reminded her so much of all the upset she had been through over Inuyasha and the number of times she had been comforted by Sango or her mother. Suddenly Kagome felt much older, but thankful that she was on the other side now of her once tumultuous love. Smoothing the younger girl's hair she uttered one word to encourage Rin to speak.

"Sesshoumaru?"

"How...How did you know?"

"I know you have loved him as long as you've known him Rin, it was obvious to me, I've been there remember? I fell in love with his brother when I was fifteen. You've loved him for nearly all of your life, it's just changed as you've grown."

"I don't know what to do. I can't tell him, I'm human and he still sees me as a child I'm sure."

"What has brought this on Rin, has Sesshoumaru said something that has hurt you?"

"No, he has never done that; he is always considerate of my feelings."

"What has happened then, something has upset you?" Kagome sat down with Rin on the grass that was warming with the morning sun and Rin relayed her conversation with Lord Sesshoumaru. For a while the two girls sat contemplating in their own way and in their own hearts, the news of the ball. They had both understood why this was going to be held, the conversation of a couple of years ago sprang fresh to mind and they knew that Sesshoumaru was not only feeling more lonely and wanting a mate but that the need to beget his own heir was becoming more urgent.

Not that he would admit that he wanted a family in the same way that Inuyasha did and had or even the wolf. But the idea of mate and pups was becoming more pleasing to him as time went by. Kagome couldn't give the girl some false hope; they both knew that just because Sessshoumaru now tolerated humans to a degree and even had affection for some, it didn't mean that he would ever consider mating with one.

"Rin, Sesshoumaru is really the only man you had ever come across isn't he; I mean other than those who are already paired? Perhaps the ball will give you also the chance to widen out your own horizons and get to know other young men and women." Kagome knew the platitude 'plenty of other fish in the sea' was never helpful or even true for most but Rin might have to look elsewhere.

Rin was well aware that her love was likely doomed to failure from the start as she would never approach Sesshoumaru herself for fear of his feelings for her changing for the worst, maybe even moving her out of his presence. She would rather live with an unrequited sexual love for him than lose the rights to loving him as her Lord or mentor and married off elsewhere. She heaved a sigh and pulled herself together, smiling weakly at Kagome.

It was time by now for lunch and then the planning could start for the Ball. Jaken was roped in to assist as he had a mind that filed away facts and figures and somehow was indispensible when it came down to organisation. He was also no fool and when it came down to his adored Lord he knew everything that could be known and for the girl there was nothing that he did not see.

When Rin complained of a headache later and Jaken scented her unshed tears he also knew the real cause and took her a herbal infusion as she lay down in her darkened room. He stayed with her stroking her head as she wept and never asked her why; he already knew, he had over the years grown very fond of the child and secretly admired her loyalty and courage. He had been truly devastated when she had died the second time and for a while he had believed with Sesshoumaru that she could never be revived; acknowledging his fondness for her by his tears.

"Sleep child, allow the herbs to work on your head even if they cannot cure your heart." Jaken patted her hand gently.

"Oh, Master Jaken... what is to become of me?"

"You will live my girl, you have never given up and so far have no reason to. You are jumping ahead of yourself." Jaken did not mean to encourage Rin to dream on useless hopes, he certainly did not approve of mixed mating especially where his Lord was concerned. But he also didn't want the girl wandering around in tears and moping all the time, at least not until she had good reason to do so."

Rin went to sleep because Jaken had also put a soporific into the mixture knowing that the child needed her rest. She had been dwelling on the things she most certainly could not have which had been keeping her awake at night recently. It had been Jaken's duty to look after Rin since Sesshoumaru had allowed the girl to follow him and that order had never been revoked no matter how often Jaken whined against it in the earlier days especially; although once he really realised how much trust his Lord put in him to keep his human possession safe, the task had seemed less arduous.

While he was thinking back and keeping his cool hand stroking the girl's brow as she slept, a shadow fell over him. Sesshoumaru was standing and looking down with concern at his ward; he then turned his attention to the empty cup and how Jaken was tending the girl. He was always aware of where Rin was and how she was; any disturbance in her own human aura was noticed immediatly by the youkai who cared so deeply for her.

"Something ails Rin, what is the matter?"

"She suffers from a headache my Lord."

"This is not her usual time to be indisposed Jaken and she has not been sleeping well recently."

"No, my Lord; she is not quite herself at the moment." Jaken watched as Sesshoumaru knelt beside Rin and lightly touched her cheek.

"I shall send the healer for her." Jaken couldn't help a sad smile from forming on his face.

"She just needs her rest Sire, a healer cannot help her troubled mind and heart."

"Rin is concerned about something and I do not know. That is impossible Jaken, she tells me all her troubles and always has. It must be something to do with her humanity; I shall send a healer to her at once." Then he left immediately to find Kagome.

"Blind, Sire, that is what you are at the moment. Totally blind." Jaken muttered under his breath and shaking his head. For now Rin would get some much needed sleep and even if it was drug enduced it would still be beneficial. Sesshoumaru was on his way to see Kagome, he thought that maybe she could help his young Rin. Coming round a corner however he heard a child's high pitched cry. The Youkai moved swiftly in the direction of the cry as it turned into a wailing keen calling in vain for it's mother.

TBC