A/N: Happy St. Patrick's Day Everyone!

Chapter 53: Fear and Acceptance

Mother was coming.

Ana paced back and forth in her apartment, that one small sentence repeating like a mantra in her nervous mind.

Mother was coming.

Mother was coming.

She went out onto the balcony for a breath of fresh air, then retreated back into the room and began pacing anew.

She shook her head, she felt small, young, and stupid. After everything that she had seen, everything that she had done, this simple news had made her feel like a scared eight year old again. She might be one of the most powerful women in Thedas now, but that did not matter.

She would always be Aliza Trevelyan's third child, her youngest.

Everything that that had meant once came flooding back, back before the Conclave, she had been deeply entrenched in her mother's shadow. She had tried to be the good daughter, to obey, despite her own desires.

The Inquisitor shook her head.

Everything she had done in the last year had spit in the face of her mother's plans for her, they had been right, she did not doubt that, but that did not mean that some small part of her still did not feel…small…knowing that her mother was coming here, that she would be here…today.

As soon as she had read the news, she had sought out Josephine, the Ambassador typically worked late, and the Inquisitor thought that she was the most likely to aid her through the next day.

Josephine had spoken a little about her family. She, like Ana, came from a family with a strong maternal figure. According to Josephine, her own mother was the most business-like of their family. She seemed to understand what the Inquisitor was going through, what she would soon face.

"Have no fear, Your Worship," the Ambassador had promised her, "I will see that we put our best foot forward. We will show your mother the strength of the Inquisition; we will do our best to please her."

That was the problem however, Ana realized, she was not sure that her mother wanted to be pleased.

She might be coming here to cast her disapproving frown upon her daughter.

She might be coming to destroy Ana's world.

Not literally of course, but that did not mean that she could not hurt her.

Ana sighed.

This was ridiculous, she knew that, the way she was acting, you would think that the others expected her to fight Corypheus and his dragon again single handed. In her head, that almost sounded like an easy challenge right now. Corypheus was an enemy, she knew how to deal with enemies, but Mother…well…

Mother was here mother. She had shone like a star over their family for years, and Ana had jeopardized that.

What could she say? What would mother say? What if she rejected her? What if she came here and formally disowned her, declaring that she was no longer a part of their family, and unwelcome in Ostwick?

The Inquisitor almost whimpered at that thought.

It had hurt when Lizzy ran from her in her Orlesian estate. If Mother chose to flee as well…she…she did not know how she would handle it.

You will handle it as you always have, her conscience chided, you will push on, even if the family wants nothing to do with you, you will carry on. You will protect them, even if they won't thank you for it.

Ana pursed her lips.

You are the Inquisitor, it is your job to protect them, to protect all of them, even if they don't like it, or accept it.

She nodded, she knew her place. She was not the scared girl that had woken in Haven over a year ago. She had grown in that time.

She steeled her back.

If Mother rejected her, it would hurt, part of her would die, she did not doubt that, but she would push on.

She would grieve what was lost…later.

For now, she would just try to survive, she…

"Can I help?"

Ana jumped, she spun around, squeaking like a scared mouse.

Cole was sitting on her desk, casually swinging his legs back and forth, like a child. She was pleased to see that he had finally changed out of the bloody dirty leathers he had worn since his coming to Haven. She had offered him new clothes, a leather coat and breeches black trimmed with crimson. He still wore his hat of course; she often wondered what he would like without it if he was not using it to hide his eyes all the time.

She tried to will her heart to slow down, pushing back the anger at him simply coming here unannounced.

"Cole," she laughed nervously, "What did I say about sneaking up on people?"

"Not to," he replied with a shrug, "But you were hurting. Terror…fear…cutting at me, so cold it burns, burns my very soul…"

The spirit boy shuddered.

"Mother, please," he whimpered, "Don't turn your back. I'm still your daughter. I love you, don't reject me. Maker please. Sweet Andraste please, please, don't let her run in fear like Lizzy did."

Ana winced, she knew Cole was only trying to help, but seriously…

Sometimes she wished that he could not simply pluck emotions from people like he did.

Somethings…should be kept private.

He looked up, concern showing in his troubled eyes.

"I have offended," he said, "Here let me try again, I'll make you forget and we can start over, I'll leave and knock, wait for you to let me in."

"No," Ana answered, "Don't…no erasing my memories, or leaving…I…we…ugh!"

She sighed heavily.

"Let's…let's just start over, okay," she gave him a gentle smile.

"Hello Cole," she said.

"Hello Ana," he said tilting his head.

"I…um…appreciate that you have come up here to try and help me, but really, I don't think there is anything that you can do. My mother, she…she will act the way she desires, as she always has…"

Ana gave him a pained look.

"If her words hurt me that…that is just something I have to live with, I'll have to learn to live with it."

That got the spirit boy's attention, he blinked.

"I don't understand?"

"What don't you understand?"

Cole shook his head.

"Mothers don't hurt," he said, "Mothers protect. Mother's give themselves to save their children. Rhys' Mother died to protect, to save the woman he loved. Cole's…"

The spirt boy shivered.

"Cole's mother died trying to protect him…Cole…I…he…"

Cole pulled his legs up tight to his chest, he might have sobbed, she could not be so sure.

Ana's heart broke at the sight.

She touched Cole's shoulder, she did not resist when he put his arms around her. She let him rest his head against her.

"Cole loved his mother," he repeated, "I remember that much, I sat with him you see, until it was over, back before the Templars tried to erase him, to hide their shame."

Cole pulled back, anger and fury blazed in his tortured eyes.

"Not all Templars are like Cullen," he purred dangerously, "Lord Seeker Lambert, he was not soft. He was loud, dark, ambitious, corrupt, and cold."

Cole sprang from her desk; he looked like a predator about to go on the prowl.

"Lambert said I was nothing. You're just another parasite that wormed his way into our world, he said, feeding off the things you can't have."

The spirit's eyes narrowed in anger.

"He murdered Evangeline, right in front of Rhys; Rhys' mother gave of herself…to bring her back. I could do nothing then…nothing."

Cole gave her a cold smile.

"Later…I did something," he purred.

Ana did not respond to that. It was easy to think of Cole as just a victim, and then he would show his predatory side.

She was grateful that he was on their side, but that did not mean that she did not watch him.

She had heard Cassandra mention Lord Seeker Lambert a few times, he had been the one that took the Seekers and Templars away from the chantry. He had been the one that had broken the accord between them. "

Ana frowned.

In his own way, he had started this chaos, he and so many others, had he lived, she might have had to have judged him for his role in leading the Templars into Corypheus' waiting arms.

Whatever had happened, whatever Cole had done, it was not important now.

"Tell me about Rhys and Evangeline?"

The boy blinked.

"They tried to help me, tried to protect me, they are gone now, safe…I hope."

"I could find out where they are," she offered, "Make sure."

"Please leave them be," he sighed pulling his hat farther down over his eyes, "I have caused them enough pain."

"Rhys Mother protected him," she reminded him, "Don't you think she would have wanted to make sure that they were safe?"

Cole wiped idly at his nose.

"I came here to help you," he said, "Why are you trying to help me?"

She gave him a wan smile.

"I can't control what my mother is going to say to me," she said, "But I can help you. I can help my friend, and that makes me happy, that…helps me."

Cole seemed to digest those words. He blinked.

"Have I helped you?" he asked.

"You have reminded me to focus on the now," she said, "I hope to preserve something of my past, but the Inquisition is my present, my future."

She put her arm around him.

"The inquisition is my family now, if I have lost my old one, I will mourn, but I will do what I can to help you."

Cole shook his head.

"I could have made you forget," he said.

"Yes you could have."

"It would have been faster."

True, but not necessarily better," she said giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"Is it better?" he asked.

"I…I don't know," she confessed, "But…it is more…human…I think."

Cole shrugged.

"We shall see," he murmured.

IOI

Lady Aliza's carriage arrived shortly after dawn; by then Skyhold was a flurry of activity. Normally, the Inquisitor would be down there, moving among them, being seen by her soldiers and the faithful. Few of the soldiers knew her face, to many she was just an idea, a symbol, especially when she was out of her battle armor.

It allowed her to gage the morale of her men, Ana liked that, she drew strength from that.

Josephine offered to bring Lady Aliza up, as soon as she arrived, the Ambassador thought it best that the two women speak alone before both of them got caught up in the day to day details of Skyhold.

Ana agreed, even though she feared what might come out of their private…talk.

What she told Cole was true, she would mourn if she lost her mother's regard here, but she would try to focus on what she had, not what she lost, or what she was about to lose.

She had the servants prepare breakfast and send it up to her apartment; she knew the foods that Aliza Trevelyan enjoyed in the mornings. She hoped to be a generous host. She wanted to show her mother that she had not forgotten her past, even with her new life, her future.

She swallowed hard.

Ana found herself thinking about Cullen. She would have to introduce them at some point. She…

Oh Maker.

What if mother disapproved of Cullen? What if she scared him off? Aliza Trevelyan could be quite fierce when she wanted to be.

Cullen was brave, and a warrior born, but facing her mother…

That was a battlefield he would not be prepared for.

Fear and acceptance were at war inside her. She wanted Mother to be proud of her, but at the same time, she feared her rejection.

She has not rejected you yet.

But she might.

Yes, and you will deal with that if she does.

Ana did what she could to suppress a whimper.

She thought she could hear voices on the stairs leading to her apartment.

That would be Josephine, and her mother.

The Inquisitor swallowed hard.

The time for fear and worry was now done.

Mother was not just coming she was here.

Ana struggled to remain calm, to remember what she had said to Cole.

My life, she thought, my choice.

She sighed.

Mother would come to accept that in time, she hoped.

There was a light knock on her door.

She stood near the small table, the aroma of breakfast having no effect on her.

She was not hungry; she had not been since the news.

"Enter," she said.

Josephine opened the door; Lady Aliza Trevelyan stepped into the room.

Ana smiled.

"Mother," she said, "Welcome."

Aliza Trevelyan froze, her features unreadable, she looked no different from when Ana had seen her last, her travel clothes born the sigil of their noble house, her long red hair, though streaked with gray was still becoming.

He blue eyes fell upon Ana, deep dark and unreadable.

"Anastasia," she murmured.

Ana winced, the word sounded like a question, but could also be seen as a statement.

She tried not to wither under her Mother's gaze.

She glanced at Josephine; the Ambassador's expression was unreadable.

She smiled at the Inquisitor."

"I will leave you two alone," she promised.

She closed the door behind her.

Ana almost called out to her, to beg her to come back, Mother had not moved. She stood where she was, holding her daughter with her unreadable gaze.

The Inquisitor tried not to quail under it.

"It…um…it is good to see you again, Mother," she said nervously, "I…um…"

Words failed her.

Think of something stupid, just don't stand there.

She glanced at the meal on the table before them.

"I was about to break my fast," she said, "Would…would you care to join me?"

Aliza began to walk towards her.

Ana swallowed hard.

She had never seen mother like this, she looked angry, but at the same time, she looked pale, frightened.

"Anastasia," she said again.

"I'm…uh…here…ah… mother," she murmured, trying to keep her voice from cracking, "You…um…you are looking well."

They stood almost nose to nose.

"Anastasia," mother said again.

She started to raise her hand.

The Inquisitor almost winced. Aliza Trevelyan had never raised a hand to her, not once growing up. Now…after everything that had happened.

She sighed.

She gave the older woman a suffering look.

"Mother, please say something," she whimpered, "Besides my name, because this is really starting to make me feel self-conscious and…"

She did not get a chance to finish.

Aliza Trevelyan grabbed her.

Ana tensed for a moment, fearing what was coming next.

Mother pulled her close, she…she was…

The Inquisitor almost sighed with relief.

She is hugging me, she thought.

Thank the Maker she's hugging me!

"Stupid," she hear mother hiss, "You stupid girl, do you have any idea what I have gone through in the last year. I was worried sick. You…you couldn't even write…why…why did you not…not…?"

Aliza Trevelyan sniffled.

It was then that Ana realized something.

Mother was crying.

Aliza Trevelyan never cried, not around her anyway.

Now she was hugging her, hugging her and crying.

She…she did not know what to say.

"My girl is alive," Aliza sobbed, "My little girl is safe. She is alive."

Ana felt her own eyes starting to sting.

She…oh Maker…

She was starting to cry too!

Mother was not angry.

She missed her.

She loved her.

Fear gave way to love…love and shame.

"I'm sorry," she whimpered into her Mother's shoulder.

The words sounded so small in her ears but still she said them.

"I'm sorry."

She was not sure how long they stood there, just the two of them, releasing their fear and pain, but it was needed it was necessary.

Ana sobbed into her mother's shoulder, something she had not done since she had been a small child, not even when Father had died.

It…felt…it felt right.

It…felt…it was good.

Good…

and needed.

A/N: Next chapter, this meeting from Aliza's point of view, I want to thank everyone who has made Herald of What!? such a success. Also if any of you has read my Chant of Darkness story, and its sequel Justice Be Done, I'm thinking of rewriting Justice, so that it better reflects Inquisition, if anyone is interested please let me know.

As always I like input.

Thank you all…until next time.

DG