Wow, this really shouldn't have taken as long as it did. This is what happens when I get meticulous and constantly try and edit. That means that chapters end up being crazy long but they also take forever. Oh well. Thanks for the reviews and please enjoy!

XOXO

THR

ps: once this story gets done, I'm most likely going to overhaul the first few chapters. There are issues with consistency and tense that I'd like to address but I feel like I can't do it now because it would get in the way of publishing new stuff.


Chapter 45


Your name was Commander Liz Shepard and you hadn't been expecting much from a batarian shuttle. If their technology was anything like the state of their prisons, it wouldn't be long before your entire squad and Kenson fell out of the sky and perished into Aratoht's rocky terrain.

The first good sign had been the lack of effort it took for Kaidan to get the vehicle moving. Before the penitentiary's proper security protocols could engage, the shuttle was off of the ground and already traveling into the atmosphere at a swift pace. Upon further inspection, you discovered that the shuttle was, in fact, a Kodiak that was likely just Hegemony property. The aircraft was rather comfortable and you acquainted yourself with your less dangerous surroundings almost immediately.

After settling down onto a bench, you watched as Dr. Kenson took over and commanded the shuttle into autopilot. With Garrus and Kaidan across from you, she crossed her arms and addressed you with a little more courage than before. Her voice was more fervent and had gone up to a slightly higher pitch; you reasoned that this was because her worries had diminished now that she had been extracted from where her captors had been planning on leaving her to rot.

"That tech we put into their system should leave them scrambled until we leave the atmosphere. We'll be out of range by the time they can get air support, which means we're in the clear."

You breathed a sigh of relief and the feeling of success started to kick in. Your first Alliance mission in almost three years had gone off without a hitch. Hackett's faith in you had somehow paid off. Even when you doubted yourself, you got the job done without any problems. It felt like he knew your abilities more than you did.

You nibbled on your bottom lip and rested your chin in your two fisted up hands. Perhaps you had succeeded only because you were well aware of the consequences of failure. Displeasing Hackett was the last thing you wanted to do. That was the kind of thing that gave you nightmares; the moment you would have to tell any superior that you couldn't do something or that a mission was a defeat would be the moment that you failed as a soldier and a person.

"Commander, are you prepared to hear about my work now?"

You perked your head up and gave an affirmative nod.

"Absolutely. But before we start anything, are you sure we're okay until we leave the system? I don't need batarians coming after us while we're in a ship with lackluster armaments."

A hint of a smirk was plastered onto Kenson's face.

"If they get out here while we're still in range, I'll see to it personally that we take down every ship. When a human comes in with plans to destroy a mass relay, most batarians would shoot them on the spot. I don't believe I'm an exception to that mindset."

Garrus's mandibles twitched at her response and he stared at you in concern. Your eyes had widened as much as his had; to be honest, you hadn't even considered that the rumor that was going between the prison guards contained any merit. Now that the source itself had leaked the information, you didn't know what you were supposed to say.

This woman was Alliance, after all. If she was a close associate of Hackett, did that mean she was allowed to do such a thing?

Your eyes darted over to Kaidan, who looked just as frazzled as everyone else. You knew the look that he was giving you all too well.

He had done the same thing when you had approached him on Horizon. When he had heard of your Cerberus involvement, he had given you a painful glower and avoiding it was impossible. There was no way that he could have stopped you during that attack; you were going to go back on the SR-2 and continue your mission as if nothing happened. But he and you both knew that what you were doing wasn't right. He was going to let you go yet he was going to assure that you were well aware of his negative opinion by using nothing more than his facial expression.

Without using words, his tawny eyes told you that everything around you was wrong this time. The entire idea about blowing up a relay, the complete calmness in Kenson's voice as she suggested it, and even the serene background of space was invisible to you outside the shuttle. All of it was wrong and you didn't want to agree with him.

The wrinkles around his forehead became more prominent and his eyebrows were knitted together in confusion. As unsure as he looked, he was as right as right could get. Alliance authority or not, there was no way to rationalize the destruction of such a vital object. This time, you agreed with everything he was trying to tell you. There was a soft reminder in his eyes, though. He was going to trust your judgment until you gave him a reason not to. In your opinion, you had done this a number of times, but considering how well the mission had gone you were assuming that he was giving you a real second chance.

You gave a breathy sigh and felt all of your positive emotions leaking out of you. Your confidence had been replaced by a sensation of looming skepticism again.

Much to your despair, things were not going to be as easy as you had planned.

"I thought the guards were kidding when they said that. How can such a small team execute an operation as massive as destroying a mass relay?"

Your response was neutral so you were able to allow the woman to explain herself. If she knew about the Reapers then there had to be some sort of method to her madness.

"Don't jump to conclusions." she retorted. She threw her hands up in defense and then pushed back her sideswept bangs. She then began pacing around the shuttle, which was roomy enough for her to take a dramatic pause while standing in the middle of the space. Her hand was brought up to her chin in thought and she began to explain everything that you hadn't been told.

"That's only half the story. What my team has discovered is more valuable than a mass relay." the doctor explained. "The real reason why we were here was to investigate Reaper technology way out near the borders of this system. They were mere rumors but the Alliance wasn't taking any chances."

You sat up a little straighter and attempted to understand her logic.

"I'm hoping that means that you've found something of importance."

Kenson began pacing again, this time stopping in front of you. You stood as well and watched as she straightened up to get closer to your own height.

"What we discovered is pivotal in comprehending what the Reapers really are. I can confirm that we uncovered that…and much more. While our operation was still unknown by the Hegemony, my team unearthed undeniable proof that the Reapers will be arriving in this system. Its mass relay is crucial for them; they're going to use it to leave dark space and spread themselves around the galaxy. Its name is the Alpha Relay, and they're going to have no problem taking all of us down by using it."

"Which is why you're planning to destroy it?"

You turned at the sound of Kaidan's voice, which was as unfeigned as all get out. He had stood up too and was making his way towards you and the other woman.

"I'll admit, it's a hell of a way to keep out a few billion sentient flying robots, but what about the long term consequences? They'll find another way in and in theory all we'd be doing is butchering a vital transportation system that makes the galaxy function."

You hadn't expected Garrus to chime in as well, but his point of view put things into perspective a bit more. Sure, the idea felt a lot less crazy now that there was a valid explanation along with it, but there would undoubtedly be severe repercussions.

Kenson turned to the turian and crossed her arms.

"I'm not saying that this is how we can stop the Reapers permanently. There will be a large aftermath in the galactic community and lives will be lost." she replied. "But if that delays the Reapers for even a few months to a year, it'll give everyone more time to rally an army and understand what's at stake. Most intelligent life forms regard the Reapers as a legend. Thanks to Shepard and her work with taking down Saren, some are realizing that there's a real threat out there. We've got the attention of the Council and we can't stop there. Even though a large chunk of people are still ignorant, destroying the Alpha Relay is what's best for everyone. Killing a few million people so billions more can live is a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Knowing the Commander's history, I'm sure she shares the same philosophy."

The shuttle's passengers looked to you for confirmation. Kenson knew more about you than she let off; you assumed that by "history", she meant the battle that had formed your ruthless reputation. The Siege of Torfan wasn't something you thought of much anymore. It had been the mission that made you into who you were today, as cheesy as that sounded. You still cringed when you recounted the losses; over seventy five percent of your squad perished while you slaughtered batarian slavers who were willing to turn over their pride. You had been so careless back then. You didn't know how to comprehend the value of a life, whether it was human or batarian. That was what the Alliance had liked about you; emotional morals didn't get in the way of the job. Your efficiency was off the charts and you had never experienced true failure.

After the end of the Skyllian Blitz conflicts, you had started to grow as a person. You figured out that you were more than a cutthroat, sadistic officer. You were still as calculating as ever, but you would pause for a few seconds to think about your decisions before executing them. Part of this was due to Captain Anderson's influence, which you still valued to this day.

What Kenson had said made you think, though. Was there anything wrong with sacrificing millions for billions or was it worth putting up a fight to save everyone? She hadn't presented any alternative to destroying the Alpha Relay, which would obviously end in the death of a large number of batarians who lived in the Bahak system.

Was it worth it to have them all die just so you could get a few more months of a secure life? Would the galaxy even accept that fact that the Reapers were coming?

You counted up the unknowns in your head and pressed your lips into a fine line before responding. There really weren't any true answers to these questions and you came up with the only answer that made sense to you.

"If it means saving lives, then anything is worth the cost."

Kenson nodded and walked over to the shuttle's map. She pulled up a diagram of the relay and gestured to it. It was a smaller scaled replica of the real thing and it floated on the console in hologram form.

"Delaying the Reapers is about all we can do right now. Even though they have advanced FTL drives, traveling without a mass relay will make things as difficult as possible for them. They can go to the next relay but it would require them to go without assistance for a much farther distance. While we made our discoveries, we formulated out data into one big idea and loosely named it nothing more than the "Project" to throw off any potential intruders. What we wanted to do with our concepts was simple: inconspicuously come together and annihilate the Alpha Relay by launching an asteroid into it so the Reapers would have no access to the system. As I said before, lives would be lost in the process. I'm talking about the destruction of the entire system and the deaths of a countless number of batarians."

"We're going to need a lot more proof than that if we're going to put down so many civilians." Kaidan interjected. "How do you even know that you're going to be able to destroy the damn thing? The Alliance taught us that mass relays were indestructible."

The doctor punched a few buttons on the console controlling the map, revealing a window on the side of the shuttle. The total blackness that covered the vast expanse of space disappeared and exposed the Alpha Relay itself. Just like any other mass relay in the galaxy, it glowed and offered a beacon of hope for those who were unaware of the Reapers' impending return. Stars were practically surrounding the mechanism, which was swirling with life like every other mass relay in the galaxy.

"I'm aware that most people think that, too. The funny thing is that nobody's ever thought to try and take one out, though. We spent months travelling close enough to the relay to analyze its schematics, and if our calculations are correct, it would take even less than a small planet to take it down. It isn't as foreign as you perceive it to be. Just like everything else in this universe, it's fragile and capable of breaking down. Before I was arrested, we were a button push away from proving it. Its explosion has the potential power of a bursting supernova yet it's actually quite a simple object to get rid of. It might be the most powerful mass effect engine mankind has ever encountered, but everything has its weak spots. "

Garrus froze in anger as he looked out into the relay and tried to understand what Kenson had just proposed.

"So this Project is still operational and you were about to destroy this thing without the Alliance knowing?! How much have you divulged to them? Don't they understand the number of casualties involved?"

You looked to Garrus and saw raw rage settling into his body. His talons were curled up into balls and his mandibles were pressed up to his plated cheeks. You could almost see his teeth being bared at Kenson, who stood her ground a few feet away from you. His displeasure for the operation was understandable; he had worked with innocent batarians on Omega. They weren't bad people whatsoever. The reputation their race faced wasn't fair at all, but that didn't mean that they didn't do bad things more than anyone else. Everything Garrus had fought for on Omega went against what was happening right now. No matter what the means, he would save everyone if it meant that he was the only one that had to die. He sacrificed himself instead of everyone else, which was a concept that you had gradually learned. That style of thinking had been in his blood. It took him no effort to do the right thing, which you were secretly envious of. Like you, he was a leader in his own right. He wanted to save these people and stop the Reapers at the same time. Kenson's plan wasn't capable of doing both of these things.

"Enough to allow them to continue funneling money to my team and me. I wasn't exactly going to warn them before I did it, but-"

"Shepard, this isn't something we should be meddling around in. This is more of a terrorist operation than something that's going to benefit everyone in the long run! What happens when millions die for nothing?!"

Your chest got a little tighter as you barked at him. Like a sudden gunshot in a peaceful field, your words cut through his as if they were a sharp knife.

"Stand down, Vakarian!"

His facial plates lowered when he realized what you had ordered. The right adjective for his demeanor wasn't in your immediate vocabulary; he didn't appear to be hurt but he also didn't looked too pleased with you. If this wasn't a real mission, he would have continued to speak freely regardless of what you had said.

Instead, he answered you with a dejected sentence, his subvocals coming out more than they normally did. He didn't want to stand down. Instead, he wanted to stand up.

If you hadn't gotten in his way, he would have.

"Yes ma'am."

Before you could allow yourself to feel bad about your actions, you turned back to Kenson and resumed your conversation.

"I'm hoping you knew how you were going to propel this asteroid." you questioned. She pulled up another diagram on the map and it was a large rock this time. You assumed that this was the makeshift weapon that you were discussing.

"Our ships have been travelling from here to Omega to smuggle engine parts. As long as you have the power and a good VI pilot, we can pretty much tell the asteroid where and when to go. It's painfully straightforward. Our constant travels to that wasteland of a spaceship rose suspicion in the Hegemony. They were watching us and ended up catching me and a small squad when we went out to run some more tests. Fortunately, our base is still undetected and intact."

"Commander, if you don't mind, I have a question that has yet to be answered."

Kaidan had moved beside you while you weren't paying attention. You looked to him and crossed your arms.

"Go on."

"The theoretical chance of the Reapers invading are high from what we've learned from Saren and the Battle of the Citadel, but you're coming to us with radical claims that can't be confirmed or denied. How did you figure out about such an ominous invasion without speaking to a Reaper yourself?"

"It can all be explained when we get back to Arcturus Station, Major. I can assure you that once you hear about what else we've recovered, there won't be a single doubt in your mind. The entire Project crew agrees with me and I'm sure all of you will too despite your reservations."

The answer had been dodgier than expected. It felt as though she was trying to hide something.

"I need solid answers if I'm going to report your real findings to the Alliance. Show me physical proof and then we'll see where we're at."

For a brief moment, a flash of anger plagued Kenson's aging face, but she turned to the Kodiak's window and put a finger to her ear.

"Project Base, we're having a change of plans. Get the artifact ready in the lab and make sure things are tidy. I'm coming home and I've got Commander Shepard with me."

A muffled response could be heard from her earpiece. As she spoke with another Project worker, you turned to Garrus.

His eyes pierced yours with an overwhelming sense of guilt that made you flinch. He pulled up his omni-tool and typed a brief message, which you soon figured out was directed towards you.

The bright orange light of your omni-tool broke the navy blue darkness of the shuttle and you didn't even want to look down and see what he had said.

Of course, you did anyway. You opened the chat client that the two of you used and scanned the holographic screen with reluctance.


New Message from: Garrus Vakarian (Contact Name: G)

Connection Status: *CONFIDENTIAL*

G: I understand your decision is final, but I'd rather get out of this knowing that we didn't kill off a system for nothing.

G: I know you'll figure something out. You always do. Just promise me you'll think over everything before letting her do all of this.


You wanted to look up at him and make sure that his irate emotions had truly been thrown to the wayside. Instead, you pecked away and composed your own message. If you did happen to glance up at your turian, you feared that your face would turn as enflamed as the color of your omni-tool.

In all honesty, you didn't think that he had forgiven you so fast. Maybe he hadn't even been that irritated in the first place. You continued to reply anyway and made a mental note to give him a much better apology later.


- Reply

Username Input: Shepard-Commander

Connection Status: *CONFIDENTIAL*

Shepard-Commander: We have to trust this woman. Valid or not, she's got something and she isn't going to tell us anything else without a little more prodding. She seems good, though. Give her a chance.

G: Listen to her. She's talking about some sort of artifact.

Shepard-Commander: I'm guessing we're not going to Arcturus anymore. Great. So much for this mission being a piece of cake.

G: Come on, don't be such a pessimist. And why are you comparing our job to a baked good?

Shepard-Commander: You're the only person who can convince me to even consider being optimistic, Vakarian. It's a human saying, by the way. They can sometimes get weirder than our religions. :)

G: I guess my irresistible charm just isn't working after all of these years. I'll be sure to brush up on human culture a little more when we get back to the Citadel.

Shepard-Commander: You've gotta give me a better reason to look on the bright side. Hold up, she's turning around.

User: Shepard-Commander has ceased chatting with Garrus Vakarian (G)


"Commander, we'll be approaching the base for the Project shortly, ETA fifteen minutes. If you want evidence, we'll get you evidence."

You nodded at Kenson's voice and gave her a quick reply.

"Your compliance is appreciated. I'm looking forward to seeing what you've got."

Your name was Commander Liz Shepard and as you stood quietly in the shuttle while continuing to chat with Garrus, you didn't realize that the worst was yet to come.


Your name was Garrus Vakarian and your head didn't leave Shepard's pillow until midmorning the next day.

You couldn't remember the last time you had spent so much time in bed with her. The first occurrence that came into your mind was the night before the two of you had raided and destroyed the Cerberus base with EDI's mobile platform. That night and brief few hours of dawn that you spent with her had been serene. The thought of possibly not seeing the person you adored ever again brought out that kind of side in you and Shepard. She arched her back a little more and dared to sink her teeth further into your sensitive flesh while you mastered the art of French kissing.

It had turned out okay, though. No matter how many "I love yous" and "Please don't gos" the two of you had uttered before unleashing hell on Cerberus, you came out alive. What was apparently the last night you would spend together ended up being one of the best. Shepard was still beside you and she would always be just like she was now. Granted, she was a bit less levelheaded than before, but that wasn't making much of an impact any longer.

Your entire body felt like a hunk of cumbrous steel. With all of the energy you were able to muster, you pulled yourself out of bed and leaned on the edge of the piece of furniture. While artificial sun came down onto the floor in perfect beams, you shrugged off its happiness and padded to the bathroom to find some peace of mind in the shower.

Before stepping into the other room, you peeked back and made sure that your girlfriend was still sound asleep in bed. Slipping out of her grip had been unnecessarily tedious; she had a firm hand on some of the most awkward parts of your body. Her foot had been lodged in your spur while her arms had wandered down into your carapace with her fingers ghosting across your bare neck. Her locks had been sprawled across your own face, causing you to feel like a million tiny bugs were eating your head off.

You chuckled at the thought and shook your head. She had since curled up into a ball against her pillow and allowed small snores to slip out every few seconds, meaning that she would be fine until she woke up. You left her alone and slipped into the lavatory without saying a single word.

A tall mirror greeted you on the left side of the room and towered over the vanity that contained the room's only sink. The mess the two of you had left from the previous night was still evident; clothes were scattered across the floor in an array of colorful patterns. Objects that had once been untouched had been hurled across the room. Worst of all, the glass floor tile had been cracked and the vanity contained more than a few scratches.

The nails of your talons followed the pattern of the gashes that you had inflicted upon the inanimate object. They spread out like the pattern of veins in a body and you traced each one in some sort odd attempt to avoid looking into the mirror itself. You almost feared what you expected to see reflect back at you. Would it be the reflection of a young turian who had turned old or would it be someone that you actually looked forward to seeing?

You tilted your head up and exposed yourself for your own self examination. Your shirt had already been torn off long ago, exposing greenish grey plates that were covered more often than not. They twisted and turned into elaborate patterns and protected the fleshy parts of skin that lay beneath them. If you looked close enough, you would be able to observe the smallest, most peculiar scratch marks that remained on them like never ending tattoos. Some of them had been inflicted by Shepard's nails. Others were from sparring matches gone awry or previous flings with turian women who had talons that were sharper than they should have been. Most of these marks had been made on your upper chest or waist, which was still slimmer than it really should have been.

Your eyes panned up and you looked away once you reached your face. You had never been considered inherently ugly until you were left with severe facial scarring years ago. The right side of your face was still the only thing that you felt self conscious about in reality. The scarring was like a web of jagged lines; even after so long, their presence still affected you. The pink colored tissue had faded away, leaving you with darker marks that looked like a maze. They continued up until your neck, which had been left with ripples of disfigured skin that were still tender to the touch.

The rest of your face wasn't as bad as you had been expecting. Like every other sentient being, you had aged a bit. You saw it right before your own eyes.

The blue in your geometric colony markings had faded and you tried to remind yourself to get them reapplied when you got back to Palaven. Spirits knew when you would really be able to return; the planet was still in shambles and your family had since evacuated to a distant world. There was no reason to go there other than to resume your position with Primarch Victus. Considering that there were no more Reapers to be heard of, you wondered if your "Reaper Task Force" still had a real purpose.

You groaned, causing your subvocals to come out as a deep purr. You didn't know what you were supposed to feel right now.

Relief? Sorrow? Elation?

You blinked your eyes a few times and ran a hand over your fringe. If anything, you felt troubled and you didn't know how to solve it.

Things with Shepard weren't the only reason behind your difficult feelings. Since being off duty, you had been questioning your purpose and had been yearning for a change. Moving into this Citadel penthouse semi-permanently had been enough to keep you satisfied for a month or two, but something else was brewing inside of you.

Your name was Garrus Vakarian and you really could use a pair of reassuring arms wrapped around your waist right about now.


Your name was Liz Shepard and you threw your body up out of bed while wondering what the hell you had just done over the past twenty four hours. It ached to move when you swung your legs out of bed and you didn't see the cuts across your body at first. They were dotted up your legs and convened at your inner thighs before moving up onto your torso. Your breasts had taken a considerable amount of damage, but you were unable to see the blazing red cuts through the fabric of your undergarment. Your thighs rubbed together, which made you hold in a yelp.

Once you understood the reasoning behind the scrapes, you felt a little bit better about having them. You hadn't been put through such vigorous sex in what felt like an eternity; for that you were grateful and disappointed. It would be a while before you remembered how much it hurt the next morning or how dire the consequences were from forgetting to take your many antihistamines. Your hand soared to your neck to inspect the love bites that had been inflicted on you, and you settled on one in particular. It felt deep but you didn't seem to care. It was the one mark that established that you were his; as much as you hated being a subordinate, you would gladly step down when it came to a certain turian.

As you stepped out of bed to watch the sky cars zoom past your window, another sense of soreness overtook you. It felt like you had been slammed into the ground (it had happened to you before, which meant that you knew the feeling quite well).

You let out a tepid shutter, allowing your brain to recount what else had occurred the previous night.

You remembered recalling events that you shouldn't have. You remembered falling to the floor and screaming.

You also remembered Garrus helping you pick up the pieces.

You shook your head and began questioning how you ended up with someone that was so fucking perfect. After everything he had sacrificed for you, you wouldn't dare complain about anything having to do with him.

He had stayed while you were at your weakest.

You needed to thank him for that.

While keeping your fist pressed against the window, you pulled your forehead so it hit the glass and kept it there while observing the events of the Presidium.

"How the hell did I get to rock bottom?"

You asked yourself this at least five times before looking up.

What you had achieved last night was pure failure. You had been avoiding it for some time now, but you wouldn't be able to erase the memory of that panic attack. You had been afraid of fear itself and succumbed to its dark requests.

You weren't supposed to give into such a weak force. You had done so much to prove yourself and now all you were doing was falling into a black hole. Was this how Commander Shepard was supposed to act?

You slammed your fist into the glass. It didn't shatter nor did it crack.

That angered you.

You pounded again and again and it was still impossible for you to even make anything more than a small crack.

You weren't Commander Shepard anymore. You were a living, breathing, psychotic human who had gone over the deep end.

As you peered over to the bed and caught that Garrus wasn't there, you took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds.

It was time for a change.

With an unsteady hand, you pressed your palm against the bathroom door and opened it so you could splash some water onto your face. Something inside you was coming up and you weren't sure of what it was. You needed time to think about things.

The door parted and revealed your turian partner in a similar thinking pose. With both talons pressed against the vanity, he was staring into the mirror with his eyes glazed over.

You took careful steps and ended up behind him. You didn't know if your presence was welcome, but you did the first thing that popped into your mind.

Your name was Liz Shepard and you wrapped your arms around Garrus Vakarian's waist and buried your face into his shoulder. His plates were warm and welcoming like they always were, and it didn't take him long to wrap his hands around yours.

"We've gotta get outta here." You muttered.

"Yeah," he replied. "I think that would be a pretty good idea right now. Besides, it isn't like us to stay in one place for such a long time. If we're retiring on the Citadel, you have permission to shoot me right now."

You smiled and pressed your cheek into him.

"Fat chance, Vakarian. I don't think this is the warm and sunny place you imagined."