As the evening progressed and the Avengers began to work on their plans, I felt sleep begin to overtake me. Once Barton's wife had put the kids to bed I said goodnight to the others, taking up the blow up mattress put up for me and Steve in the living room. I hadn't quite drifted off when they all finished their discussions and went to bed. Steve wrapped his arms around me and I turned to snuggle him.
Sleep overtook me and before long I was dreaming of golden palaces again.
"Loki?" I half-whisper, he turned, his dark hair swinging.
"Jessica." He met my hushed tone, surprised.
Something inside me itched to run into his arms and hold him. I resisted though. He looked tired, as if ruling was changing him. "What are you doing here?" He asked.
"I needed to see you."
The room is dimly light, light only just making the golden adornments glow rather than shine. Loki stands before me topless, bathed in the light. I'll admit, he looks rather regal. His eyes run up and down me, appraising me.
"The connection, this necklace," I said, lifting it slightly from my chest, "I think it did something to me." There's a brief flicker of confusion in his eyes, he has no idea what I'm talking about. "Was this a clean Ender gem?"
He shook his head as if to clear it from thoughts, he looked slightly panicked. "How do you know of Ender gems?" He asked.
"You put me in prison next to someone in jail for trying to steal one. Girls talk."
"Not usually about crime." He muttered to himself. "To my knowledge, it was clean when I acquired it."
"To your knowledge." I repeated. "So there's every possibility that this gem has done something, is doing something entirely different to me?"
"Jessica, I would never have given you it if I thought that. I had it checked thoroughly I assure you."
I tip my head to the side to look better into his eyes. If he's lying, I can't see it. "Maybe you didn't check it out thoroughly enough." I take a deep breath. "Someone thinks I'm a telepath. They think maybe this thing caused it."
"Impossible, I would never have used a gem which would harm you."
"I didn't say it wasn't a mistake." I sigh, glancing around the place. Something is certainly different about the room, but I can't put my finger on it.
"If you're having side-effects, you should see me immediately; perhaps there is some way to reverse it." He said softly, taking a single step towards me.
"Loki, I'm not even sure there are side-effects to worry about." Before he could say anything else I raised my hand to show him I meant to continue.
"You obviously know I escaped," I acknowledge, "I need to know what happened on the ship. Did you send that message? What happened to the crew?"
"How do you know about that?" His brow furrowed.
"The captain was marooned on earth, he's under our protection." I watched Loki tense at the word 'our'. "He's the one who told me I have telepathic abilities."
He took a brief pause to think before he spoke again, turning slightly away from me and running a hand through his sleek hair. "Jessica, I do not know what he has told you but it is a lie. I know what message you're talking about and I assure you, it had nothing to do with me." He turns to face me, eyes full of pleading, begging me to believe him.
"He didn't say you had anything to do with it."
He frowned. "Then why do you assume I did?"
I sigh, "Because it seemed like something you'd do. You took away my free will when I tried to leave in Manhattan, you stole and imprisoned me when you found out I was dating Steve, manipulating the crew of the ship that helped me escape seemed, I don't know, logical."
His hand twitches by his side, his body leaning towards me, face still full of anguish. "Never have I regretted anything more than those actions." He whispers. "Jessica, I love you, I still love you. What I wouldn't give to have you back in my arms!" He extended an arm to me, I didn't answer, watching it wearily before it dropped back to his side with a sigh. "Those were the actions of a desperate man. I couldn't have you leave me, I couldn't let you."
"But now?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. "I get away and you're telling me you weren't the one to send that message to the ship?"
Loki shook his head. "Being here any longer would have got you killed. Seeing you after both fights with her…" He almost shudders. "I couldn't let that happen again. I couldn't bear to see you like that again."
"You're saying you let me go? Completely? Out of the goodness of your heart?"
"Not at all, I let you go for selfish reasons. Watching you lose yourself to this, this madness, in there, to see you hurt by others… it was too painful for me."
There's honesty in his eyes to what he's saying, but that doesn't mean he's telling the whole truth. I know him too well to believe he would be totally honest with me on something like this. And besides that there's this clenched feeling in my heart which warns me there's more to the story.
"What happened to the ship, Loki? What happened to the officers?"
"I do not know."
He's lying. I know it. His face gives none of it away but I just know it. "What happened?" I repeated more firmly.
"Jessica," He shook his head as if in confusion, "I already told you, I don't know."
"Tell me." I hiss.
He blinks, waiting for me to cave and believe him. He'll be waiting for a long time. I know he's lying. "The officers were taken to the cells." He finally tells me, slowly and reluctantly. His eyes narrow slightly. "As for the rest of the ship, they were sent home."
I wonder how Gilly is doing back in prison. Somehow I was going to have to return the favour and help her escape the Asgardian prison for a second and hopefully for the last time. "Why?"
"They were criminals, it seemed only right to imprison them."
"No, Loki, why did they come back here."
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do." I growl. "Stop lying to me."
"Very well, yes, I sent the message." He raised his chin. "Are you satisfied?"
"Why?"
"I wanted you back." He sighed. "I did have every intention of letting you escape. I was not lying when I said that seeing you hurt was killing me. But then I changed my mind. Life without you has been difficult to say the least. I miss you. It's horribly selfish but I need you. I need you by my side. I love you."
This time, I can feel my heart ache with those words. There was nothing dishonest or motivated behind them, they were utterly the truth, plain and simple. I would be lying myself if I said they didn't have an effect on me. Loki had been terrible, but he had also been so wonderful. Loving him felt like balancing on a tightrope, always one wrong-foot away from falling, still knowing there was a safety net to catch you.
For every misdeed he had done me, he had always been there to pick up the pieces afterwards. After he wiped my memories and had found out what HYDRA was doing to me under the guise of SHIELD he had protected me in my dreams, eventually hunting down and killing Farthing and his men. Those dreams had been a lifeline to me at such a dark time. When he found out about the darkness he had comforted me, confiding in me he was haunted by it too though he never did explain it. And when he cursed me by returning my memories and stealing me, he visited me often, even if it was to torture me with visions of Steve. When I had been hurt by the red woman, when I nearly killed the red woman, pain was evident in every aspect of him.
Even now, I had escaped and by some foolishness come back to talk to him, he tried his best to give me no reason to fear him, even if he was lying. It was wrong but I knew I still loved him. I wanted to shut that part of myself down, to make a life with Steve work, but how could I when Loki was merely a dream away? I couldn't go back to Loki, not after what he had done, could I?
"I love you." He repeated quietly, taking another step towards me. Slowly a hand reached out and stroked the back of my head, running down my hair, pulling me towards him gently. Cautiously I let him pull me close and hold me. "I love you." He said again, pressing a cool kiss to the top of my head. "Forgive me."
Slowly, I let my arms wrap around his body and lay my head against his cold chest, closing my eyes and listening to the rhythm of his heart. "I wish I could." I whisper. "I love you too and I wish I could forgive you, but Loki, what you've done… how can I possibly ignore that?"
"I'm not asking you to ignore it, but to accept it and move on. Please. Come home to me." His hand running down my hair is soothing, a familiar mannerism of his. It only serves to amplify the pain blooming in my chest.
"How can I accept it?" I ask quietly, tears burning my eyes. "When you can't even accept me saying goodbye?"
"Because you are my better half." He joked just as quietly but with less than half the humour in his voice. "Because we both need this."
I wish I could. I truly wish I could. Perhaps we would have both been happier for it. Not a single part of me wanted to let him go. But the question kept coming back to me, what would he do the next time I tried to leave? It was bordering on insanity to stay with him, surely. The words he used before he took me to Manhattan, before all of this started were brought back to mind. 'That inevitable pull between you and I? Is that not enough?' Was it?
Before I really had a chance to put the question to thought, I spied movement behind him, towards the bedroom. I pulled away from him, heading there when the darkness struck me again. As I fell he surged forward to catch me, but deep in my mind I still fell into that oblivion. I knew that when I woke up I would be back in reality, with Steve, I knew I would be fine, I just had to wait it out.
