Fifty-two

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"Lucas," he breathes out.

His mouth falls opens, tears already pooling in his eyes, but no other word will come out. In front of him, Luke examines him for a moment; he watches him clutch the ring on the chain, which he's wearing the way Andy used to, and he sees the emotions waging in his eyes. He was certainly not expecting this reaction from him, and he simply doesn't understand when Kai suddenly fills the distance between them and pulls him in for a tight, desperate embrace. The younger Parker starts, his eyes wide with surprise, as his older brother holds him and cries. He actually cries. "I'm so sorry, little brother. God, I'm so sorry."

Luke opens his mouth, closes it, clueless as of what to say. Is his mind playing tricks on him or is Kai weeping that he's sorry? In his arms? "I'm sorry; I'm sorry," the older one keeps crying, holding on to him convulsively, as if he actually missed him, "I didn't mean for all this to happen. It was a mistake, I'm so sorry."

Luke's eyes sting and he awkwardly pats Kai's back, not knowing what he's talking about, but very uncomfortable with this hug and his apologies. He can't mean that merging with him or killing their siblings was a mistake, right? You don't merge with someone by accident. You don't kill four children by mistake.

Kai pulls back, and Luke's chest tightens when seeing his tears. His eyes look so much like Liv's… All of this looks and feels very authentic; he is definitely not prepared for that, for all these emotions to distort the lines of Kai's face and make him look so human. As long as he hasn't identified the purpose of this manipulation, Luke tries to remain stern.

"Could you– Would you mind telling me what you're talking about exactly? Before throwing random apologies, I mean."

"You were so young," Kai whispers, remembering so many things from their past, "I wasn't there to see you grow, I never taught you how to play football or any spells to see passed boys' clothes…"

"So what, you regret not having brother time together? You regret not being more than a nightmare to me and Liv?" He recoils from Kai's touch and watches his chin shake as he chews on his lip to keep the tears from rolling. His despair reminds Luke too much of Liv's face when she would cry, and that makes his heart ill.

"I'm sorry I ruined it; everything. I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt–"

"People didn't get hurt, brother," Luke snaps, stern, implacable "they died. Our family died because of you; our brothers and our sisters– Do you have any idea what it was like growing up? I don't even remember their faces, I don't remember our mom's voice."

"I didn't have my feelings," Kai begins in a low, desperate voice, as if it could explain it all.

"Yeah, I know. I could have lived without a sociopath for a brother; thanks."

"No, I didn't have my feelings… the night it happened."

"What are you talking about?" Luke winces with anger.

Kai closes his eyes and tears roll down his cheeks. He lowers his face and rubs it. How does he explain this? Sobs escape his mouth as fear surges inside him; what if he doesn't understand? What if he tells Lucas the truth and he doesn't care? What if he still sees him as a monster? Isn't it why he's kept it a secret all along? Because he couldn't take it that despite knowing the truth, they would still choose to– But he told Andy. He told her and she doesn't loathe him for his weakness. If anything, the way she looks at him changed and now–

"There was this spell," he says quietly, "I used it for years, I'd use it when mom and dad would– The spell could take your feelings away for some time and I wouldn't be sad about them calling me an abomination or setting me aside because I'm a siphoner…" He opens his eyes and risks a look over at his brother; the younger's face is horrified. Oh God, he still hates him. "I didn't mean it to be permanent," he quickly adds, viscerally needing him to understand, "I was just– I wanted the pain to stop; I'm so sorry I did this. No one was supposed to get hurt."

Lucas takes a step back, suddenly feeling dizzy, unbalanced, as Kai's words echo in his mind. "The spell went wrong," he continues, tears streaming down his face, "I don't know why, but I couldn't stop– I had no feeling, there was nothing I could do. You're gone– you're all gone because of me." He buries his face in his hands, repeating how sorry he is, and the dead man stares, a tear already escaping his eye at the sight of so much distress.

"You were under a spell," Luke slowly utters, frowning as he tries to piece it all together; his brother's snap, his alleged insanity, his drive to kill and his inability to care about anything when he got out of 1994... He's saying all of this wasn't real? That he didn't mean it? How could something like that even happen? Luke suddenly finds it hard to breathe. And he's not even alive. "But you obviously have feelings now," he says, taking in the way Kai sobs, his chest heaving painfully. "When did it stop?"

"After the merge," Kai answers, chewing so many regrets on his lip. "At first I thought I'd just absorbed your empathy but then I realized it was not just your emotions… My feelings were coming back too and–" He lets out a shaky breath and resumes crying. "I did this. I destroyed our family; it's all because of me." He covers his mouth with his hands, letting more tears escape his eyes as he closes them. He is so desperate for a way out of this; he's out of his prison and out of his spell, but he's still trapped. He did this, Lucas understands, and it's killing him.

The younger witch gapes at the sight, at what this all means. This changes everything he knows about his family. He swallows and mechanically sits down next to his brother, with only this irrepressible need to know, to understand.

"Tell me. Tell me everything."

They talk. They talk for a long time; or rather Kai talks and Luke listens. His older brother tells him about his childhood and how he was cast away and shunned from the moment they discovered he was a siphoner. They never beat him or mistreated him per se, but their very way of looking at him, with utter disappointment or indifference when not despise… this was torture to him. He tells him about the years of loathing and sorrow, about how their parents would forbid them to touch him, and how Luke and Liv were too young to actually listen and how they would still come chasing after him in the house and playing with him; they didn't see him as an abomination yet and he'd preciously store his memories with them, wondering whether they'd be different the next time he'd come home for the break. He could never be sure, never secure about their affection. Kai pours everything he has, trying to convey as much of him as possible, the real him; the boy he was, the young man with dreams, pains, hopes, college worries and ambitions.

His speech is messy, unstructured, but Lucas listens intently, finally filling in the blanks and shaping this mysterious, scary figure that his brother has always been. Kai tells him how he found the spell, didn't use it at first, before giving in; he tells him how it would act on him, the advantages and the drawbacks, he tells him about the argument with their mother that night, the easy spell to escape painful tears, and how it went wrong and locked his feelings away for good. He tells him of all those years of not caring, in prison, of how he was still obsessed with the merge when he got out, because it'd always been his only true hope to prove them wrong, to show them that he was capable to lead the coven and be part of it.

He also tells him how he stopped sleeping after the merge; how it would all come back to him at night, making it hard to breathe, m aking it not worth it to be alive; he tells him the nightmares and the guilt, the remorse and the pain, the constant wish to go back and prevent it. Lucas reaches for his wrist and squeezes at this part; he's been crying for a while, but this is– this goes beyond anything he could have ever imagined. To think that his brother was normal, just like him, that he had a heart all along and that it'd been ripped and torn and broken so many times that he did this to himself; like a vampire turning his humanity off, he'd taken away his emotions, what made him human. It's crazy to think that, had their parents and family seen him as the child he was and not as a magical threat, things could have been different. He could have grown up with him, with their siblings and their mom, all of them together.

Kai's sobs calm down when he tells his brother about 1903. At first, Luke doesn't understand this shift because Kai had his feelings back when Bonnie stabbed him in the back and left him there to die on his own, which should have pained him, and it did, but he wasn't alone after all: Andy ended up trapped as well, and Luke sees how his face softens at the mention of her. He listens to the tale of how they wouldn't see eye to eye at first, before getting more used to each other and sharing and actually warming up to each other until– Kai closes his eyes, and for the first time, he voices what he's been holding back regarding her. His feelings and hopes and dreams, but also his pains, his fears and the strings keeping him from her. And Luke listens. He doesn't know whether he should push Kai towards being with Andy if that's what he wants, because this very idea is so new and odd to him. So he doesn't say anything, he sits and listens, using every bit of information he gets to sharpen his knowledge of a man he never knew or was too young to remember.

He's made peace with being dead by now; any fear he's ever felt toward Kai has been gone for some time, but now his brother's obvious despair and remorse pierce right through his shield of resentment and hatred, and whenever his mind whispers not to trust this impossible change and story, his entire being lets him see how his saddened face resembles Liv's, how his shaky breath and sobs sound like his dad's. Kai has so many details to give him about their past, while their dad was always so reluctant to talk about it; his narrative is so accurate and it makes so much sense somehow… Besides, Kai doesn't even try to hide or transform his faults, that's something Luke notices quite early on: he knows their parents shouldn't have set him aside, but he truly thinks he is the sole responsible for everything that's happened. That's a lot for just one person. Especially one person with the emotional capacity of two men. There's a lot Luke would give to be able to talk to his dad right now, to both their parents, but he doesn't have anything to give; and there's no one to give it to. He's dead. Whatever happens in the land of the living is not his concern anymore, he can't forget that.

After telling Luke about being rescued by accident, about the twelve days and about getting Andy back, Kai tells him about Jared, about his alliance with the Lightbringers and about picking up where Luke left off: drafting a new Other Side, and even making sure no other Gemini would die over a merge. He talks about trying to find a new normal in the real world, about their current problems and the reason why they came here at all. Once he's done, he realizes his voice is raw and he falls silent. He feels weirdly empty, but not in a negative way; he feels lighter than he's felt in a long time.

Luke remains silent for a long moment, processing it all. He asks a couple questions about Liv, about their dad and about Jo, to all of which Kai answers to the best of his ability, admitting that he's not close to them, and all he knows mostly comes from Andy, Rick or Jared. They start talking, actually talking, and they both realize it's the first real conversation they've ever had. And though it doesn't feel anywhere near natural or normal, it feels right somehow. Luke can see all the tenderness Kai has for him, he can tell his brother still sees the toddler he knew and used to play with and care for, and though the younger Parker doesn't actually love or even like Kai, there is this need to welcome him, to acknowledge him as part of his family. It's always been him and Liv, and they were enough, but they always felt rather alone considering the six empty bedrooms in their house. He got to reunite with Jo before he died, and that meant the world to him. And now another one of his siblings is back, and he wants in, desperately. And Luke had never realized how much he longed to have him by his side. Isn't it the weirdest of all feelings? To finally have a brother after all this time?

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%

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When I see Kai's Light in the corner of my eyes, my grip on my mom's hand slightly tightens. We've had more time together today that I ever had with Kai when he'd project himself to 1903, and I'm incredibly grateful for it, but even though we've had time to cover a lot of things, it still feels like it's not enough. But then, could it ever be enough? I try to breathe calmly, reminding myself that this is bonus, and I can't ask for too much.

He walks up to us but I can't look away from her, except when I see her frown at him. Please, don't do this to him, please. I glance at Kai and freeze. His eyes are red and swollen; he's obviously been crying, and I can't begin to tell how much it hurts to see him in pain. I instantly wrap my arms around his neck, wanting to protect him from any harm that could get to him, and he buries his face in my shoulder, sniffing the last tears. "I'm alright," he whispers in my ear. "I'm alright."

He pulls back to face me and opens his mouth but no word will come out. No matter what he's trying to say, it doesn't seem to be that bad. I mean, he looks exhausted but not sad. I know we're gonna have to go back, we've been here for way too long already, but it doesn't seem to be about that. Kai shakes his head to himself, a shy smile blooming on his lips, and he kisses my temple. "There is someone who would very much like to see you," he finally tells me.

I try to decipher all these emotions in his eyes and on his face, I try to figure out what he means. I mean, someone wants to talk to me; great. Is it a dead elder who wishes to tell me how bad I screwed up? Is it a remote aunt who's got some fighting advice for me? At this point, I can hear pretty much everything coming from my ancestors, even those I've never met.

"Hi, Andy."

Air leaves my lungs. That voice. His voice. I look up at Kai with confusion. Is this some kind of a trick? That's it, I'm definitely going crazy.

"Turn around," Kai whispers to me, stroking my cheek, "he's right here."

Tears fill my eyes before I even turn around and when I do, it doesn't matter that my vision is blurred; I would recognize him anywhere. One moment, I'm in Kai's arms and the next, I'm in Luke's. I don't know how I got there and I don't care, I simply hold on to him, so much it hurts. He hugs me back, and the scent of his usual after shave is what breaks me. He's real. I burst into tears in his arms, clinging to him, trying to convey in this embrace how much I've missed him.

"I've missed you too," he says against my ear, crying as well. "Dude, I've missed you."

This voice. I can't believe I haven't heard it in so long. And at the same time, it's exactly like I remember it. It's real.

We hug for the longest time, so long that my nerves calm down and I pull back to take a good look at him.

"You're really here," I realize, smiling through my last tears. How's that even possible?

"I am."

"How can you be here?"

"We'd been talking about saving Liv in here after the merge, remember? Well, when I sensed I was losing, I made sure to store my spirit here." He gives me a proud smile. "I knew you'd find a way to transfer your ancestors to a new Other Side, someday. I just needed to wait for a better place to come along."

Right. Of course he would. I was the one who came up with the idea of storing Liv's ghost here after the merge… I can't believe I never thought of that. All this time, he was with me. But not really. Because he's still gone. I chew on my lip to keep the tears from falling again. I'm officially a crybaby.

"You left me." I trusted you to be with me always, and you left me to deal with all this shit alone.

"I'm sorry," he says, tears gathering in his eyes. "I didn't mean to leave you alone; I thought I could win." Why didn't you? Why didn't you win? I instantly feel guilty at this thought. Had he won, Kai would be dead. Not that I would actually care because I wouldn't even know all that I know now but… he'd be dead. And that idea fills me with such horror and fear that I shiver.

"I don't know what to do." Lucas holds me closer, reassuring me and telling me that it's all going to be okay, and I can't do anything but listen to his voice and believe every word he utters. "Forgive me," I whisper in his ear, my heart suddenly racing in my chest. "I'm so sorry I fell for him."

I don't get to see him look at his brother, silently taking in the man who is watching us from his corner of the room, sadness written all over his face at the sight of what he took from us. He only holds me tighter.

"It's alright, Dee," he whispers back, his voice just as low as mine. "He's alive, and I'm not. It's okay for you to move on."

"I didn't want to betray you."

"You didn't. You know him better than I do, and I trust your judgement, okay? If you say he's good enough to be in your life, then have him in your life."

"I'm sorry."

"You're forgiven, you hear me? You are completely and unconditionally forgiven."

I deeply exhale, a weight leaving my chest. Ever since I got to know Kai, I have tried to push this thought away, ignore it, bury it deep inside and forget it, but it would always come back to haunt me, and as I started caring more and more about him, guilt would surge at the most unexpected times.

I don't get to see Kai wince and momentarily lose balance behind me. I don't see the inquiring look my mom gives him as he reaches a hand to his bleeding nose and as they both understand we've been here for too long, he won't hold now.

Our heads only turn to him when he stumbles to the nearest wall, his eyes shut and his jaw clenched. I dash to him, followed by Luke and my mom, and I kneel down, reaching for his pale face.

"Kai? You need to bring us back."

"It's alright, I can hold."

"You're burning yourself out, you need to let go."

"You need this."

"Hey, look at me," I say gently, locking eyes with him, "I already got more than I could hope for. What I need is for you to be alive and healthy. Please." He closes his eyes, drawing a difficult breath.

"I'm sorry I can't give you more time with them."

"It's alright," I say, before giving one last, happy-sad glance at my mom and at my friend. "It's alright."

Everything vanishes around us and we wake up in his living room, on his couch. The ring falls from my hands as I lunge to hug him. "Thank you," I whisper, burying my face in the crook of his neck, "thank you, thank you, thank you."

He hugs me back for a long time.