AN: Can't...resist! Must...update!
Seriously, I have very much been looking forward to posting this one. It was one of my favorites to write and one of my favorites to go back and peruse from time to time.
I hope you all enjoy it just as much
Welcome back to the stage, Ms. Hikari Horaki...
•4:24 PM
'God, not this again!'
I do my best to keep up with Asuka, but she's in far better shape than I am, and it's all I can do just to keep her in sight.
'Where is she even going?'
Nearly a block ahead, I see her take a sharp turn to her right and disappear from view.
'No! No! No! I can't lose sight of her!'
Feeling my legs and chest screaming in protest, I pick up my pace and when I reach the next block, I dart glances to the right to see if I can spot Asuka's red hair, hoping against hope that Asuka hasn't turned again. But thankfully...
'There!'
I nearly wipeout and crash on the pavement when I change direction, but manage to just barely stay on my feet.
At the end of the alleyway, I see Asuka leaning into a dumpster, as if looking for something inside of it. As I approach, she straightens up for a moment, clutching what looks like a salmon colored garment to her chest, before collapsing to the ground, her back against the side of the dumpster.
I slow down and approach her more cautiously, partially because I don't want to spook her and have her flee again...but also out of curiousity.
Asuka, who I am sure has not yet noticed my approach, buries her head into the garment, hugging it to her as tightly as she can, and...and...
'Oh my goodness...'
I could have easily mistaken the muffled cries for screams of rage...but the way her shoulders are shaking is unmistakable.
"A-Asuka?"
I kneel down in front of her, putting my hands on her shoulders to deter her from running again.
"Asuka, look at me. Please?"
I notice an angry wasp, probably disturbed by Asuka's rummaging through the dumpster, repeatedly jabbing her forearm with its stinger. For all the attention she pays it, it might as well have been stinging a tree branch. Slapping the ugly insect aside, I lean closer to Asuka, shaking her shoulders gently.
"Asuka? Asuka...it's gonna be okay. Please just calm down."
Asuka shakes her head without uncovering her face. "Go away," a muffled voice chokes out. "Please just go."
'I guess she at least knows that I'm here then.'
"No." And in complete defiance of her muffled request, I wrap my arms around the sobbing girl. And, to my surprise and relief, she doesn't resist. Indeed, I feel her rest her covered face against my shoulder. Though she seems to have calmed down a bit, I still feel her crying through the garment...which I now realize is a shirt...a boy's t-shirt. And it doesn't take a genius to figure out just whose it is.
I can't help but smile a little bit. Though, it's a sad smile...as I think of the bittersweetness of this whole situation.
After all, I'm not deaf. I heard what Shinji said...heard his accusations towards my best friend. A part of me had faintly hoped he was lying or exaggerating...
But truthfully? I knew he wasn't. And now that I've found Asuka like this...
Oh, part of me would love to, at the very least, scold and berate Asuka for being so horrible to her fellow Eva Pilot...
But seeing this...
'I know it would only make things worse. Asuka needs her best friend now...not a verbal thrashing.'
After a few minutes, Asuka's hiccuping gasps even out into deep steady breaths, and I feel her shifting slightly. Releasing the embrace, but keeping my hands on her shoulders, I pull back to give her some air.
The shirt is no longer covering her, and I can now fully see her flushed, tearstained face.
'My god...I've never seen her look so...vulnerable...helpless even.'
"Asuka? When...when you're ready..." I begin tentatively, "Let's talk."
Asuka averts her bloodshot eyes...but after a moment, she nods jerkily.
Feeling relieved at her response, I scoot over to sit beside my best friend to her left with my back, like hers, resting against the side of the dumpster. I try not to gag at the odor and do my best to ignore the buzzing of the insects gorging themselves on the contents.
There's a long silence before either of us begins to speak, but eventually...
"You should've just let me run off, Hikari," Asuka says in a strained whisper. "You heard him, didn't you?"
She hides her face, pressing it into in her knees. "He...he wasn't lying, you know..."
"I know," I answer matter of factly. "Or at least I figured as much."
Asuka stares at me in surprise. "And yet you're still here?"
Then she looks away, hiding her face again. Her shoulders begin to shake once more, but not with sobs. Her laugh is mirthless...bitter, tired...full of self-loathing.
"Hikari, I..." she begins. "Sometimes I just don't understand you."
"What's not to understand, Asuka?" I ask, a little confused.
"Well...you heard Shinji. For the two months I've lived with him and Misato, I abused him. Now you know it's true...and you still haven't run away or disowned me as a friend. It's not like I don't appreciate it, but...I don't...I don't understand why you-"
"Because," I cut across her, "I'm not the one you've hurt with your actions. But more importantly," I say, fixing her with a piercing stare, "I'm still here, because I think...no...I KNOW...you can do better."
Asuka makes a skeptical little noise in rebuttal.
"Hey," I reply sternly, grabbing Asuka's shoulder to turn her back towards me, "I mean it. And believe me Asuka..." my voice darkens, "I wouldn't waste a moment more on you if I didn't know that."
Asuka turns away again, and lapses into a long silence. The alleyway becomes noticeably darker with the fading sunlight before she speaks again.
"You're wasting your time then, Hikari," she says at last. "I've always been this way. So just-"
"I'll decide for myself if I'm 'wasting my time' thank you very much," I snap back at her.
She flinches a little, most likely unused to such forcefulness from me.
Softening my tone, I go on, "What makes you so sure that you can't change? In the last two days, you've already changed quite a bit."
Asuka turns to look at me again, her expression skeptical...but not without a glimmer of hope. Still, her tone sounds tired and defeated as she asks, "What do you want from me, Hikari? What do you even expect to gain?"
I smile reassuringly as I answer both her questions with a single answer. "I want you to be happy, Asuka."
My best friend immediately starts to laugh. The same hollow, joyless laugh from yesterday that raises my hackles and gives me the creeps.
"Asuka," I groan, feeling a bit offended, but mostly just wishing she'd stop laughing like some kind of living corpse, "I'm really being serious when I say that. Honest."
Asuka manages to quiet herself. "I'm sorry, Hikari." With a small, sad smile, she continues, "I know you meant what you said. I know you mean well Hikari, and I really do appreciate it."
She pauses for a moment, and with a wistful sigh, her smile disappears. "You really have been a better friend to me than I deserve. But the fact is..."
Asuka looks away, and glares, hard, at the patch of ground between her feet. "No one can make me happy." And the bitterness in her voice makes my insides shrivel. "I haven't once been truly happy for the last ten years, Hikari. And it's not your fault. Its not Kaji's fault. It's not Misato's fault. It's not Shinji's fault. It's not even Wondergirl's fault."
I see the glare on her face break for a moment before she hides it from view, pressing it into her knees. Her voice is muffled, but still audible...and full of a terrible sadness. "I'm a just a miserable person, Hikari. And I make other people miserable because it makes me feel less worthless and horrible for about five seconds of my day."
"Asuka..." I try to say soothingly, but she continues to talk over me.
"Don't you understand? You'll waste everything you have trying to help me, and you just...can't! And even if you could somehow...I don't deserve it."
"Don't say that about yourself, Asuka!" I retort emphatically, hoping I sound less angry than I feel.
"Why not?!" Asuka snaps back, turning to glare at me. "I have the right, damn it!"
"And you have the same right to be happy that all of us have!"
Asuka smirks wryly at my exclamation. "Oh yeah? I think Shinji might disagree with you there."
"Asuka..." I begin to say.
But she cuts me off. "Don't make excuses for me, Hikari! I didn't just 'make a mistake' or 'say things I didn't mean!'"
She sighs heavily, lowering her voice as she continues, "What Shinji said back there...it's all true."
"I know that Asuka, but st-"
"No Hikari," she once against cuts me off. "You don't know! I'm not just a bully, damn it! I'm..."
She stops mid-sentence, holding her hands in front of her face, staring down at them. They begin to shake...and in a choked whisper, I hear my friend say, "I'm a monster."
She turns to face me again. In the rapidly waning light, her face is half hidden in shadow...and her expression can only be described as 'haunted'. The combined effect, and the near monotone with which she speaks her next words, are positively bone chilling. "You don't know what I really did two nights ago. You don't know the half of it."
She turns away, and her face is mercifully re-illuminated by the deepening orange glow of the sky above. "Shinji didn't tell you everything. So, I will."
And she does so...
"...and then he ran away. And do you know where he went?"
I don't answer her question with the question that her words have invited...waiting instead for her to answer it for me herself.
"He ran to the roof, Hikari."
Previously struck into cold silence by the revelation of her actions and words towards her fellow pilot, I cannot suppress a small gasp of horror at the clear implication of what Asuka has just said.
"He...he nearly...he could have..." she chokes out, unable to bring herself to state the obvious. "And it would've been because of me..."
She hides her face in her hands, and save for deep, fortifying breaths, falls silent.
It's at least a minute before I can find my tongue again, and another before I know what to say. But I decide to be honest, and ask the simplest, yet most pertinent question I can think of.
"Why, Asuka?"
"Why?" she repeats in a brittle voice that sounds like a cross between a laugh and a sob. "Mostly just because he exists! Because he annoys me just by being alive and being part of my life!"
She looks at me with strange, tortured eyes that I've never seen before. "I know he doesn't deserve it. Like I've told you, that's just how I am. You wouldn't understand."
She's right...I don't understand. And yet... "Then help me understand, Asuka."
She snorts derisively. "You can't. I don't even fully understand it."
"Try me."
Asuka looks at me for a moment, seemingly taken aback, before turning away with a small smile. "You haven't given up yet then?"
I'm happy to see that Asuka appreciates my stubborn desire to help her...however...
'I need to make a few things perfectly clear.'
"Make no mistake Asuka," I begin, and Asuka's smile falters at my tone, "What you've told me is honestly a lot worse than what I was expecting. There's no excuse for your behavior. However..."
I breathe a deep sigh, trying to bleed some of the severity out of my voice, "I can tell that you regret it, and...I KNOW you won't let it happen again." I fix her with a hard stare. "Ever."
Asuka looks...a little less sure of herself than I would like...but she nods anyway.
'I guess I'll have to be satisfied with that for now.'
That brings me to the next point...
"You'll need to apologize..." I say, holding up a hand to silence Asuka's protests. "...to BOTH of them."
"B-but-..."
"No 'buts'!" I cut across her.
"You just saw what happened, Hikari!" Asuka retorts. "Nothing I say is going to matter."
I nod grimly, "You're probably not wrong. I'm not so sure I'd forgive you or accept your apology if it were me, but still...you have to try. And you're going to."
"You're not leaving me much of a choice, are you?" replies Asuka, sounding more tiredly amused than annoyed.
"No, I'm not," I agree sternly.
"Even though you yourself don't think it's going to change anything?"
"I SAID that it PROBABLY won't," I correct her. "I DIDN'T say I didn't think it was possible. And besides, at this point, you have an OBLIGATION to at least TRY, no matter what they say. Not to mention, you ALREADY promised that you will."
The sky overhead is quickly darkening from orange-red to purplish blue, and I rise to my feet.
"Come on, Asuka," I say, helping her to her feet, "Its getting dark. Let's go home."
Asuka nods a wordless agreement, but turns to look back at the dumpster and then down at the shirt...before hanging her head in seeming defeat and walking away with me, stuffing the shirt back into her bag.
All around us, the street lamps are starting to flicker on, and the crowds of tired looking workers heading home are giving way to more animated groups of Friday evening merrymakers.
One of them bumps into Asuka's right arm.
"Ow! Hey, what the-? What happened to my arm?!"
We stop for a moment, Asuka staring down at the half-dozen or so angry red welts near the middle of her forearm. "When the hell did this happen?!"
"Oh, uh, you got stung by a wasp," I inform her, feeling a little sheepish for having not brought it up earlier. "You're not allergic are you?"
"No. At least, I hope not. I've never been stung before." She frowns, looking down thoughtfully. "No wonder Third always got so jumpy around the damn things," she adds quietly.
"It happened while you were digging Shinji's shirt out of the dumpster," I inform her as we begin to walk once more.
"Ugh, of course it w-" she freezes mid-sentence. "I...never said this was Shinji's shirt..."
I smile a little at that. "You didn't have to. I just put two and two together. And like I said before Asuka, I know...I've known for awhile now."
Asuka doesn't answer for a long time. Or at least it seems to be a long time...but eventually...
"I guess..." she begins slowly, hanging her head. And then... "I guess it was only a matter of time before SOMEONE saw through me, huh?"
I'm glad Asuka is looking away...I think the smug smile I'm wearing would just rub salt in the wound.
However, I can't stop myself from asking, "So...you're finally admitting it then?!"
"Why not?" Asuka answers wearily, still looking down and away from me. "You've seen too much for me to plausibly deny it anymore."
Any jubilation I feel at Asuka's admittance is snuffed out by how miserable she sounds...and by my own agreement with what Asuka herself is likely thinking.
'She's admitted the truth...but what good is it now? Even I don't think there's much hope of fixing things anymore. Still...'
"Why was it so hard for you to just come out and say it?"
Another long silence follows that question. Rather than seeming reluctant to answer, Asuka instead seems to be thinking of how best to reply, as if carefully choosing her response. Several times, she seemed about to speak...before sinking back into frowning contemplation.
But eventually...
"Because..."
I turn to face her, and we both stop walking. By this time, most of the stars that aren't blotted out by the light pollution are now visible.
She takes a fortifying breath...and begins to answer at last. "Because I don't WANT to feel this way about him."
I'm not exactly surprised by that. After all, there are times where I myself don't understand why I find that boneheaded jock so-
'Goddamnit Hikari, focus!' I scold myself as Asuka continues to speak...
"I...I want to hate him Hikari!"
That...on the other hand...
"Y-you want to-...?" I parrot back, deeply perplexed, "But...why?"
"Like I said," she replies, self-disgust evident in her voice, "You wouldn't understand."
"And like I said," I retort, "Try me."
Asuka frowns, turning away. She seems to be deciding on whether or not to answer me. It's almost a minute before she turns to face me again.
"Imagine," she begins, "That you spend...your whole life...training for something. And you're told, by everyone involved...over and over and over again...that the survival of humanity depends on your success."
I grimace in sympathy. 'I can't even fathom the pressure that would put on an adult...much less a child.'
"Every day...every exercise is another level leading up to your shining moment. You put yourself through hell because you don't want to let everyone down..." she pauses...then lowers her gaze, "...but most of all...you don't want to let yourself down. Because you yourself have NOTHING else in the world to live for...NOTHING!"
"Asuka," I try to cut across in a horrified whisper.
But she bulls ahead, growing more and more distressed with every word. "If you fail...if you even falter once...hell, even if you succeed, but beforehand make a fool of yourself and end up having to rely on some goddamn idiot they yanked off the fucking street just to survive your debut battle...that's it...that's weeks, months, YEARS of back breaking training out the fucking window! You might as well be a goddamn novice for all the difference it all made!"
Her fists clench tightly and her blue eyes are blazing with mingled hate, jealousy, and...fear?
And suddenly she's shouting, and starting to pace furiously. "And the idiot...the stupid, cowardly sliver of a boy that has no place being in a goddamn fucking war...somehow manages to overshadow you at every turn...without even trying!"
She clutches at her face and hair, trying to reign in her emotions and lower her voice, perhaps noticing the curious looks she's drawn with her shouting. "I know what you're going to say. 'It's not his fault!' As if I didn't fucking know that already?!"
She stops pacing, forcing herself to calm down. The inferno in her eyes seems to have receeded for the moment. "I know he's not really to blame. And that makes it worse."
She turns to face me again. "If he were some arrogant showboater...I could happily wish him a painful death...or at least for him to be completely humiliated, and not hate myself for it. Instead, he's a genuinely nice and helpful person who's risked his life to save both me and Wondergirl, and only does his best because he wants to live, doesn't want anyone else to die, and because he wants his asshole dad to actually notice him."
At this point, I don't even know what to feel. I just nod numbly.
Asuka continues, "I can't hate someone like that. Not really. I WANT to...but I hate myself for wanting to."
She laughs a little. "And to make matters worse AND more complicated...out of nowhere, I start feeling...fond of this person whose very existence makes my entire life up to this point a fucking joke! This average, and pretty much unremarkable kid that bears no resemblance to Kaji, the type of man I've told myself to strive for, suddenly starts to intrude into my thoughts and dreams...and all the while, I still resent everything about him and everything he does."
She walks over to the side of the nearest building, and leans against the wall, looking down at her folded arms. "And as much as I tried to press it down, and ignore it, and tell myself it was just a stupid phase I was going through due to being a teenage girl...when I started hating the idea of that fucking doll bitch being anywhere near him..."
She sighs in exasperation, "But all of that wasn't enough to keep me from feeling angry with him all the time. And I knew..."
Asuka turns away for a moment as she says, "Sooner or later...I was going to chase him away. Even if let myself care about him...eventually my anger, my jealousy...I'd only ever hurt him, Hikari. And then he'd run away..."
She tilts her head back to look at the sky. "And by running away...no matter how much I'd deserve it...he'd hurt me. And the idea that he had that kind of power over me...made me afraid. And now...after what happened earlier..."
I walk over...
"...I was right to b-"
...and pull my best friend into a hug.
'I just...I can't...I don't even know what to...'
Words are completely failing me right now. This...right here...seems like the best thing I can do. I just hope it says what needs to be said.
For a long time, the hug is one-sided. Asuka doesn't move, and seems to be holding her breath.
But eventually...I feel arms encircling me and Asuka smiling over my left shoulder.
"Hehe," she laughs weakly, "Guess I'm the idiot after all."
After that, the walk home is uneventful and silent, but Asuka looks...not happy really...but at least a little reassured.
'I hope you know now, if you didn't before,' I think to myself as Asuka and I enter my house some time later, 'You're not alone, Asuka.'
