Hellooooooo my lovely readers, a day early because my niece is over this weekend and I'm collecting her today, so bonus for you lot, I guess? Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own AOT, only Robyn and Keza - crazy wenches that they are.
In the cold light of morning, after a couple hours of rather restless, and very pointless, non-sleep, I sat with Levi having breakfast. The room here was nothing like the mess-hall back home, of course, but it was still a communal area. It got me slightly out of my head-space, even if only a little. I sip my coffee, enjoying the warmth and hoping it might linger in me for the ride home. If we went home today, that is.
Armin gives a wave as he appears at the foot of the stairs. He's wiping his hands on a bloodied towel.
Levi's eyes tightened. "Kirtschtein doing all right, Artlet?"
"Yes, sir, I just had to change the bandaging and some stitching had come loose. Nothing to worry about." Armin explains, sitting down and wiping his brow with the clean towel he had on the other shoulder. "Overall, he's doing well. I gave him something for the pain too. He'll need sleep, but I reckon we could head for HQ whenever we want. He's eager to avoid being a bother, anyway."
"You've done an amazing job, Armin. Hanji'll be proud." I nod, and he returns it with a slight blush. At first I chuckle, assuming it was his usual inability to receive a compliment, but then he frowns. He's looking fixedly at the table, awkwardly shifting his weight. I tilt my head. "Armin? What's wrong?"
"I heard what happened," he breathes, closing his eyes as shame radiates off him. I sit back a bit and Levi just sips his coffee.
I clear my throat. "Oh. Right."
"I... Robyn, I'm really sorry." Armin sighs and shakes his head. I exchange a look with Levi, neither of us certain what Armin could be possibly apologising for. "I knew he felt deeply for you, I just - I guess, I never imagined he'd do something so forceful."
"I didn't either, I don't think any of us did." I try to reach over to take his hand, but Armin just retracts them and grits his teeth.
"Maybe if I'd told you- Or if I'd tried to-"
"Artlet, you're not his damned babysitter." Levi rolled his eyes and I glare at him. He raises his brows. "What? You want the bookworm to feel bad, about Jeager's actions?"
"No!" I groan, putting my head on the table. "But I don't want you belittling him either, sir." I shake my head and look up at a very pink Armin. "I don't blame you, I don't blame Mikasa, hell... A small part of me doesn't even blame, Eren."
"A stupid part." Levi mutters and I throw another glare his way, he clicks his tongue. "Cut the shit."
"What, shit?" I demand, getting annoyed.
Levi glares now. "You're acting as if Jeager isn't accountable, like he's somehow beyond reproach. Well sorry, no, yesterday he acted like a damn pervert and I intend to treat him as such. Glare all you like, Robyn. I'm just being, honest."
"Yeah, that's one word for it." I mumble at my food. Then I flinch. Someone is stood, listening at the foot of the stairs. Let's face it; Jean's unable to move alone, Mikasa doesn't look anything like Eren out the corner of your eye, and Armin is sat right in front of me. Also taking into account, sods law, my luck, and fucking inconvenient timing, I'd say that was Eren having heard everything.
Hello, Eren.
Ding, ding, ding.
I look over and see him staring, red in the face, with hands clenched at his sides. Levi glances over, raising a brow and sipping his coffee slowly. As usual, very few fucks were given. Meanwhile, Armin is so rigid, I think he's going to rupture something.
Levi sets his coffee down. "Morning, come to pin Artlet to the wall next? Or you planning on trying your luck with me?" Levi's eyes flashed, and I growl at him.
Eren winced. "N-No sir, of course not, sir."
"Good plan." Levi drawls, turning away from the unnerved cadet.
Eren clears his throat. "Robyn, may I speak with you privately?"
I nod. "Sure, let's-"
"Not a chance." Levi snaps and stands. I'm about to argue, when I get that look thrown at me. There was no arguing with that look. My mouth closes. "Yes, I'm speaking as the Captain of this Squad, so no, it isn't up for discussion. Ready the horses, Jeager, you can speak with Cadet Sanshi back at HQ. Under supervision." He adds with a curt thinning of his lips.
Eren gives a meek nod and looks to the floor, wringing his hands together. "Yes, sir. Of course, sir. Thank you, sir." And he leaves.
I watch Eren scuttle off, tail firmly between his legs, and I wonder why I don't enjoy it more. Really I should. I guess, my want to protect him was a little too ingrained by this point. I frown at Levi, but my Captain meets my gaze without hesitation. He really thought this was best.
I shake my head. "Levi, this isn't the way to-"
"Robyn, I don't like interrupting you, but seriously, this is the last thing you need." Levi ran a finger along the rim of his coffee cup, eyes slightly distant. "Only yesterday you had a black-out episode, and brutally killed a man without even knowing it. I'm the most qualified here, to advise you on what you do, or don't need. Agreed?"
I nod.
"Exactly, so this certainly isn't the time for some half-baked Love Triangle bullshit. He can crack one off in a sock, and then deal with it till we get back to HQ. That's final, brat." He adds.
When I look up again, his gaze confuses me, but it also sways me. Not only is he looking at me like a firm Captain, but he was also pleading. He was begging me to trust his judgement. So for now, I will.
"Very well, sir. I'll ride in the wagon with Jean, give him care on the road."
"Sounds like a plan." Levi nods, seeming grateful. "Artlet, see to the medical supplies being in the wagon, and then we'll get Kirtschtein in there together. Got it?"
We nod and break away.
Soon we'd be heading home, soon we'd get there, and soon I hope I can have some time to straighten myself out. Maybe clawing some more answers out of Valarie, would work. Perhaps, her teasing about my purpose, was actually founded. Perhaps, she had been alluding to this strange black-out issue. I swallow hard, part of me hopes so, to allow answers, but another part of me is desperate for it not to be so. It would just mean I could once again be my father's plaything. His obedient little girl.
The dead never seemed to stay dead, especially when the dead were bastards.
I can't cower before Vincent Sanshi's will and accept it.
I can't do that again.
It tastes bitter at the back of my throat.
It tastes like bile, and ash.
The rest of the day is awkward as hell. We load the wagon, pack the horses, and make for HQ. The quiet is heavy, like the close heat on a clouded day. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. But still, we get moving, and we focus on the journey home. It's a quiet ride for the most part; Eren and Mikasa ride alongside me and Jean in the wagon, whilst Armin rides upfront with Levi as we traipse through the town. Civilians pass by without note, there's no heckling today, no stones to be thrown. We look like nothing more than a squad that had lost their way. Nothing important. Since escaping the Underground, there had been no sign of our adversaries, and the Garrison had reported no sightings either. I can only hope the bastards have stayed down, in their hole. Or returned there, soon after. Jean's asleep for the time being, pain subsiding at last, to let the poor guy rest. He's pale, with a slight fever, but when awake he was lucid enough. Kept apologising for getting shot, daft man that he is. Armin was doing well as a medic, I look forward to telling Hanji all about it.
The street recedes behind us.
Despite everything, the mission had been a success. We had found the recruitment drive, we had disbanded it, and sent a clear message. It was what we came to do. Yet, success didn't mean it had gone smoothly. Even so, a win was a win. My mind fizzes, unable to fully wrap round all that had transpired. Finally, me and Mikasa had cleared the air, and I guess me and Eren had too. Now, I just have to worry about what friendship is left. I hope... n-no, I think, me and Mikasa, will be okay. She seemed happy with me in the corridor, and she hasn't avoided my gaze or anything since then. She even asked how I was feeling whilst we packed the wagon.
Eren though, he was another story.
He kept his distance, he averted his eyes, he was drowning in shame. But still, I can't offer a rope. It would feel wrong to even try, really. He fucked up. There was no denying that. He'd eaten in his room, and kept to himself beyond Armin and Mikasa. I haven't really bothered to look his way in all honesty, not since Levi's suggestion. It was true, my Captain was the only one who could understand what had happened to me in the Underground. He knew what it was to be on the end of another's string. I had to follow his advice, it would be foolishly arrogant to do anything else. I didn't need this complication, I needed time and space to think.
Now, the world just had to give me that chance.
I swallow hard, and pull the blanket closer to Jean when he gives a soft groan in his sleep. It was definitely getting colder. I wonder how soon the snows might set in. Perhaps being cut-off from everything for a while, was a more tangible idea than I'd previously thought. Maybe-
"Hey! Sanshi!" That voice snaps out of nowhere, and I shiver again. I peer back into the street. Someone was approaching on a horse. "Oi! Leavin' without sayin' goodbye?" Kenny's voice becomes clearer as he bawls out to us.
Oh no.
That is definitely not what I need either.
I stare as my fists curl, and I hear a horse riding back along the side of the wagon.
"Jeager, get to the front with Artlet." Levi's come to see what his Uncle wants, and I'll admit I'm glad. Whilst I don't think I need Levi to sweep it at all times, this is definitely a moment for chivalry. I don't have my gear, I only have my personal blade, and a gun that's lying next to Jean just in case. Against Kenny the Ripper, that didn't feel like much of a defence. Kind of like fighting a dragon with a oil infused stick.
When coming into view, Levi glances at me and then to Kenny. He'd handle it.
"Get lost, old man. We're leaving the city right away, so you can go back to whatever bullshit you were doing. We have no more business with you."
Kenny laughs, and shakes his head.
I turn away and check on Jean, I don't want to be near that man. He knew things about my past. And even though he'd spouted plenty in that small kitchen, I still felt like he knew more.
Trembling sets into my frame, whilst the pain bubbles up behind my eye.
Kenny chortles. "C'mon, not gonna hear me out, at all?"
"We don't want to know, Kenny." Levi snarls, and I just hope the old git leaves. My head isn't in the right place for his games. I can't manoeuvre around this.
"Oi, Sanshi! You remembered, right? I was there, that day! I was there when Daddy went bonkers. Don't you wanna know details? Don't you want to know everything?"
"Fuck." I hiss, unable to avoid looking over my shoulder. I'm playing into his hands, I know that, but that Sanshi fire is blocking reason. It blocks everything.
"Brat, don't-"
Kenny laughs again. "C'mon, don't wanna head down memory lane with me?" The red mist descends as that pain blossoms into full agony. He smirks. "Don't wanna hear tales of your Daddy?"
I stand up. "Who the fuck cares, where you were?" I turn properly and yell out of the wagon, holding onto the roof to steady myself as we roll along.
"Seems you do little lady, I can explain it. I can explain it all." Kenny gets closer and Levi almost draws a blade. "I can explain what happened to your Dearest Daddy."
"You don't need to explain it, you idiot. I know what happened. You're the one that set him off, you pressured him, forced him, angered him."
"That's it, get angry, just like Daddy." He chuckles and I lob an errant stone at him. Levi clicks his tongue, rides ahead and the wagon slows to almost a stop. Kenny matches pace. "He could never keep a hold of himself either, pathetic really. A couple loose canons, destined to destroy anything and everything around them."
"You don't know me, you ass-hole." I snarl, teeth bared, rationality slipping. It was want he wanted, but I can't deny that I want to rip Kenny limb from limb.
"I know ya plenty."
I lunge back to Jean, grab the gun and head back out the wagon. I jump off as it continues to move. The wheels rattle to a proper stop as I do, aiming the gun between the bastard's eyes.
"Robyn, get back in the wagon!" I hear Levi yell, jumping from his horse.
My whole head is throbbing with the pain.
"Fuck you, Kenny!" I click back the hammer and ready my shot, but then Levi pulls it down. The bullet sinks into the cobbles. "Why're you stopping me?"
Levi grabs my wrist, holding tight. "Because despite what you might think, you don't need to kill him!"
I struggle, but Levi can't be felled by my sorry ass. I glare. "Don't you hate him?"
"I do, but he's clearly got ties to high places. They could bury you." Levi hisses, still trying to tug me back. But I don't move. I might be weaker, but I was a stubborn mule all the same.
Kenny approaches on foot now, muttering under his breath.
My blood boils. "You did it Kenny, it was you that sent Vincent over the edge and made him lose it. My mother's death is on you."
"I did nothing, little girl." Kenny smirks and continues to mutter, something fogging over my mind.
The mist thickens.
I swallow hard. "You sent him o-over the ed...edge... and you... y-you..."
I... I can't think.
"Just w-what do you want from me?" I demand, and the muttering stops for a moment, my mind clearing slightly. "Why not just... l-let us leave?" I swallow hard and try to brush it off. There wasn't anything wrong, it was just a game. I had never spent any real time near Kenny, he didn't have control over me. The supposed conditioning was from my father, not this ass-hole. He had no sway, surely?
Levi pulls on me again. "Robyn, get back."
Kenny grins. "C'mon little lady, never wondered why your temper runs so hot?"
I stare, a quiet moment slipping between us all. More footsteps approach, and I can only assume we now have an audience made from our comrades. Levi's grip loosens. I lunge forward and I slap the old bastard hard.
"Stop talking in fucking riddles. You came here to say something, s-so fucking say it!" I yell, voice echoing like the gunshot.
Levi's grip on my wrist reappears, tighter than ever.
Some shutters creak closed around us.
I hold my breath.
"You really are the perfect subject, ain't ya?" Kenny wipes blood off his lip and doffs his hat. "Have to give credit to old Vincey, he did well turning you into the weapon they wanted. We just didn't have the patience, clearly."
"He didn't turn me into anything." I hiss, and something flashes in Kenny's eyes.
"No?"
I grumble and try to smack him again with my free hand, but Kenny catches my wrist. He squeezes, and the gun falls to the stones.
"I know what you're implying from my temper, you lying bastard."
He squeezes and I give a yell. "What's that?"
"I'm not a Titan, you piece of shit! If I was, you wouldn't be doing that to my damned wrist. I've b-been hurt countless times and not a lick of steam has saved me." I pant, that fog returning slightly as he mumbled something else.
What the hell was he saying?!
Kenny's grin somehow got wider. "Maybe it just needs triggered?"
"Oh, and being tortured and raped for a couple weeks would do that?" I scoff, tugging my arm free from him, only to have the other pulled again by my persistent Captain.
To and fro, a good little puppet.
Kenny leans forward. "Never know with these things, little lady, they can be very... tricky. But listen here, m'kay? What if, I were to say those special words to ya? Hm? Test the waters as it were?"
"Special words?" I spit.
"Aye, special little words. Right in your pink little ear."
I shiver, but don't look away from his yellowed gaze. "The fuck are you talking about, you crazy old git?"
For a couple seconds he stares.
I roll my eyes. "Would you just spit it out or-"
He leans in and whispers, hot breath tickling my skin and making the hairs on the back of my neck twitch. "Blood of the father, blood of the mother, red burning blood."
My knees buckle.
It's like my spine's just been ripped out, and I have no control over my own limbs.
I smack onto the cobbles, on all fours. What the hell? I gasp, air thin as I hold myself up as best I can. But, I can barely move at all. Every inch of me shudders. Those words, dammit, I know those words. The world thunders with my heartbeat, my bones trembling as they sit dormant. It's like stone has filled my entire body.
"Robyn?" Levi puts a hand on my shoulder, but when I don't move, he kneels beside me. "Robyn? C'mon look at..." his words fall away as he sees my face. I don't know what expression I'm wearing, but it looks like he's inside one of his many nightmares.
"Lev-" I slump to the side, still panting, still staring ahead as those words swim around me. They're everywhere. Blood of the father. Blood of the mother. Red burning blood. Fire crackles in my ears, laughter bubbles around me, heat floods my leaden bones. Bile and ash gurgle up my throat.
The words brand me, hold me, bind me.
Ropes wind over my wrists, ankles, neck and waist.
A puppet through and through.
D-Daddy?
What did you do?
LEVI POV
She slumps to the side and I watch as her eyes dart around the place. Confusion, pain, dammit, she's filled with ghosts. I look back to the squad, and they stare. It's like that night, oh-so-fucking long ago, on the roof. They don't know how to react, and even I don't. The world once again warps around us, and piles pain onto Robyn's lap.
"She ain't going anywhere, boyo." Kenny snorts, and I glare up at the old bastard.
I hadn't even heard the words he said to her, he had the gal to whisper them, taunt her with them. And now this? It was one thing to come back and berate me about the past, it was something else, to harm my present. He'd pay. I flinch as Robyn gives an especially choked gasp, her hands reaching for me. I take them gladly, hoping to allow a little calm to her panic, but its like she doesn't even know I'm here.
The hell had he done to her?
"Le...vi," her voice is like broken glass, her blinking getting too slow for my liking. She was weakening. But then something clicks, and she's completely rigid. Her jaw snaps shut and her back arches. Small whimpers escape her.
Dammit, she's in agony.
"Robyn! Kenny, what the fuck have you done to her?" I demand, trying to hold her, to support her body, but she's jolting too much. I can do nothing, yet again.
The old shit just lights up a cigar, like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. He draws on it, and blows out, smirking down at me. I've never hated him more.
"You wanted to know the extent of this thing, boy, so now I'm showing you." He gestures to her as she arches further, muscles obviously strained as she gives small cries between her teeth.
I don't know what to do.
Why is it, when she needs me to act the most, I never know what to do?
"Kenny just-"
"Stop moving." He barks ,and she does. "Stop breathing."
It's instant.
She's still, totally limp against the cold cobbles and no longer taking a breath.
Not a single wheeze.
I shake her shoulders. "Robyn? Robyn breathe... Please!"
This was beyond what the White Cloaks had done to me, this was a whole new level of control. Robyn's eyes fly around the place, desperately seeking me out. Or maybe, she's just looking for answers. All I know is, I can't stop this. She might not even be seeing me, the real world, or anything at all. I pointlessly paw at her, trying to shift her into a better position, trying to open her mouth. But, nothing's working.
Her skin pales.
"Kenny, stop this."
"Nah, boy, I need you to know where you stand. This ain't something you can order her out of, this is the real deal. Conditioning, at its finest. She don't even remember it being done."
Robyn whimpers.
I swallow hard. I hadn't felt this useless since being in chains, being forced to watch those animals use her. "All right, I understand, I get it, I'm fucked. Just let her breathe!"
"I can let her die boy, you get that?" Kenny flicks ash at her, my knuckles paling. "The family can do it as well. They have the saying, the special words, it took em' this long to find them. They have it now, and your little redhead is officially a liability."
"But why?" I demand, feeling time slip away. "Why was this even done to her?"
"That I dinnea know, above my pay grade. But what I do know? I should stop this right here, and right now. I can save ya, Levi." Kenny says, and for a second I just stare at him. Save me? Was this... was this, some last stitch attempt to be a father towards me? It was about as messed up as it got. So maybe that was it.
I grimace at him and shove him away when he tries to put a filthy hand on my shoulder. "Release her, then we can talk, Kenny."
"She's nae good!" He yells.
"I don't fucking care." I growl, "I'm no good either, you saw to that. Now stop tormenting her, god dammit!"
Kenny shook his head, flicking ash at me instead. "So ye'll still be a fool in love. Heh, ye leave me no choice."
"What're you gonna do?" I hold Robyn's hand tight, her skin's getting cold and clammy. The orange glow from Kenny's cigar lights his cruel features, just like it did in the Underground. Just like it always had.
"Anything that I can. You'll see what I mean, and you'll see there's no other choice than to do away with her."
I glance back to the other cadets. Mikasa's hiding in her damned scarf, likely tears running down her face. Artlet's holding onto her, doing his best to focus on that rather than what's happening. Jeager? He's just staring, and I'll admit, he looks just about as scared as I feel.
Finally he lets her breathe, but that's all.
Dammit, what do I do?
ROBYN POV
"She don't even remember it being done..." the words flicker away as my eyes start to be blotched by darkness. I'm being smothered by it. Angry warbling goes on and on, whilst I sink deeper and deeper. Is it coming? Is that blue light about to reappear? Is it going to pull me under those cold waves again and blot everything out?
Air fills my lungs. It's so cold and sweet, like mountain flowers near a stream. Finally. No movement is allowed, but at least I can taste air. My ears are ringing, my heart is pounding, my eyes are blearing.
I can't imagine a world without pain, my back screaming as I arch further and further. It's like he wants to snap me clean in half. Fold me up like a newspaper.
A world without pain just doesn't fucking exist any more.
Mum, please make him stop.
"Robyn fight it, c'mon, fight it." I hear Levi yell, his voice bursting into my world. My eyes gradually clear, showing me his panicked face. Shit, I'm so sorry, Levi. What am I doing here on the floor? Why does everything hurt? "You have to try!"
Yeah, you're right, Captain.
What am I doing? Giving in?
Hell, no.
"Oh, she is tryin'." Kenny says, looking at me coldly. I grit my teeth. "Look at her hands twitchin'. If she keeps pushing like that, she's likely to hurt herself. Stand up, girl. Stand and hold that pretty little blade to your arm. Don't cut, just hold it." He commands, and I do. There's nothing in the world I would rather do, in this moment. My body moves easily, lithely, like I'm in water.
I get up, and I draw the blade before Levi can get a hold of it. Don't get in the way, Captain. It's how it's meant to be. The edge is cold against my skin. Wait, what? I stare at Levi as I realise what the hell I'm doing. My eyes go wide and pleading. I continue to try and break this hold that Kenny has over me. Why had I been so eager to obey? I don't want to slice myself open! Shadows linger at the edges of my vision and I groan between my teeth.
How the hell was Kenny doing this?
How the hell had he managed to do this, to me?!
How dare he?!
"Robyn..." Levi says, holding his hands up to me. "Robyn, you need to calm down."
I frown at him, feeling a warmth along my top lip.
My nose was bleeding.
I then feel a similar warmth along my arm. The twitching of my hand had caused the flesh to be broken, and rubies dribble into the puddle below. By fighting it, I was only making it worse. Like in all things, my effort was just messing it up. I stop fighting, and a sigh escapes me. I blink slow. Yes, that was it. I feel... I... I feel like I'm floating. The pressure is relieved from my mind. Responsibility melts away, and my body feels filled with air instead of stone. It's peaceful, almost. A-Almost blissful. I swallow hard, muscles feeling heavy and yet supported. It was like lying in bed after a long day's training.
I could sleep forever.
I want to sleep forever.
"Kill Levi." Kenny barks.
The lightness vanishes.
Focus and precision grip me.
Of course, of course, that's what I have to do.
"Stay back!" Levi yells to the side, and I don't know who the hell he's talking to. Such a silly thing to do. We had work to do, sir.
The blade slashes into view, and I watch myself strike at Levi. He retreats. He blocks my attack with his own blade. I blink again. This... This wasn't right. I didn't want to do this, did I? I blink again, the bliss slipping away as I claw back at that strange itch in my mind. This wasn't right, at all. I didn't want to hurt Levi, I never wanted to hurt Levi. Did I?
But it f-feels so... So good.
"Fuck!" Levi cries, my blade catching along his forearm slightly.
Red spills into view, and I feel the need rage inside of me. I need to spill it all. It needs to pain the cobbles. He retreats and gains the high ground on the wagon. Troublesome. I watch the red slip from his flesh and I revel in it. My bones tingle. So good. More. I need more. I clamber up, still attacking, but still there's that damned itch.
Just, leave me alone.
"Robyn!" He yells as we fall, his voice cracking.
I jolt.
Levi?
The bliss disappears. The weightlessness vanishes. Instead I ache all over as I grab my wrist and hold it back from him. The blade hovers over his chest, far too close to not haunt my dreams. I'm straddling him in the street, seconds away from plunging that knife into his heart. How did I get here? He pants, holding me back.
Shit, but I was so close.
I blink hard, and gasp between gritted teeth. What the hell was I doing?! I groan, that warmth returning to my lip again, only now it doesn't trickle, it pours. It runs down my chin and neck, likely dripping onto him as well. My knees quake against my will. The blade inches closer, catching on his shirt material. He's weakened thanks to that slash.
Shit, I needed to stop this.
I was gonna end up killing him.
Why hadn't he fought back harder?
I feel sick.
I remember how I'd felt when Levi clasped his hands around my neck, when he finally came home after those long six months. I had simply been sorry for the guilt he would feel, after killing me. I hadn't been able to fight back at all. I had blamed myself for his situation. So what was Levi blaming himself for right now? I stare at him, leaning into my aching knees more as the warmth falls off my chin and onto my uniform.
Things grew foggy.
"Take it back, Kenny!" Yells Levi, still holding me back. The knife edges closer. Dammit, I need to do it. I need to. Levi, stop denying me this. I can't breathe without it. I whimper, eyes pouring as I fight against his defences.
But no, I don't want to win!
Sto-stop... stop this!
Someone, fucking stop this!
"Fall." Kenny snaps, and my body gives out.
He cut my strings. I dangle from Levi's hands and then he rolls us, slowly lowering me to the ground. The warmth stops running out of my nose , and instead, a coldness sinks into me. Why didn't that blue light take me when it had the chance?
"Stay still, and listen." Kenny growls, marching over by the sound of his boots.
He looms whilst Levi cradles me, having pried the knife from my hand. It clanged over the cobbles, well out of reach. My Captain stares down at me, shaking his head. He's as lost as I am right now, isn't he? I blink slow.
There's no fight left.
Please, don't order me to hurt him, Kenny, I can't deny you now.
"Can it be over-ruled?" Levi asks, looking up. Levi's hold on me tightens when he sees that denial in Kenny's eyes. It didn't look good.
"Not unless you fancy conditioning the wench to your own phrasing, nah."
"What's the phrasing?" Levi leaves bruises on my arms, he's holding so tight. Kenny shakes his head. "Kenny, dammit, tell me!"
"Why should I, boy? You've done nothing but shit all over the past since you set foot back down here. You refused to stop, when I gave you the chance. She ain't your concern anyway, she hasn't been anyone's concern since she were born." Kenny snorts, and looks down at me. "Once they get a hold of you, girlie, you're never gonna know what free-will is again. Enjoy it whilst you can." He then murmurs another phrase, too low for me to really catch beyond the compulsion, and I feel the strings fall away from my bones.
I relax into Levi's hold for a moment.
I was free?
Then I jolt, and roll out the way so I can vomit. My body rejects it all. It can't handle what just happened. Somehow it was worse than that cell, than those whips, than those men holding me down. It was so much more invasive, more overpowering. More violating. In the end, I'm just retching.
"You have to know something more, Kenny." Levi says, sounding so desperate it hurts to hear. It didn't suit him.
The cigar lands by my hand. "Oh, do I?"
"Dammit, how long are you going punish me for escaping?"
"I ain't punishing you for anything like that, you stupid midget." I hear rustling, and I look up through bleared eyes. Kenny grips Levi by his collar. My Captain's hands are in fists, but he's withholding. He's withholding for me. "You turned your back on your family. That's what you did." Kenny growls, baring his teeth.
My hair falls in front of my face, arms shaking as they hold me up feebly.
Levi's hands go slack. "I didn't want to kill, like you did. That was all."
"Well regardless, boyo, that woman's a lost cause. They're coming for her, and now they know the phrasing. The only way you can free her, and yerself, is doin' away with her." Kenny says before he shoves Levi back.
My Captain staggers.
Life meant little to Kenny.
At least, mine did.
I shudder, and cough weakly. "Do... D-Do you know, what they want me t-to do?"
Kenny raises a brow. "Among other things? Likely take down the Scouting Fuckwits, and anyone loyal to them. You'll be a well trained dog, till they likely take it to the next level and supe you up. If you ain't already."
"Supe?" I question, coughing again and wheezing as I breathe shakily. Levi comes back over, moving me away from my sick, and running his hand up and down my back. Ever the faithful man. Pity being, that he needed to let me go. But still, he holds me steady as I waver all over the place.
Kenny kneels down and tilts his head. Something flashes in his eyes. "Titan."
I stare, wide-eyed and unable to argue. It was a logical next step, I guess. Be in total control of the human, you'd likely be in control of the titan too. I try to speak, try to think, try to breathe, but it's hopeless. And it isn't by command this time, I just can't process this. I slump against Levi. My past hadn't just poked it's head in this time, no. It was taking back control. I was no better than the weeping kid staring into flames.
Actually, I think I was worse.
"They'll use you until you're totally spent. You won't know what's real and what ain't. You won't know the difference between what you want, and what you're told to want." Kenny tilts his hat. "Remember all them times your father made you his little puppet? Got you to do things, in exchange of him not hurtin' yer mother?"
I nod, tears brimming my eyes.
Kenny smirks. "Well it's that, only worse. Much worse."
Levi tugs me closer, one ear pressed to his chest. I can't remember the last time I heard his heart so panicked. "The hell do you get out of tormenting her like this?" He snarls, holding me close. He's so warm.
"She needs to know, what she's in for. She needs to know, what their power's gonna be." With each sentence, he leers in a little more, and I feel that cold sensation of hopelessness pool in my gut. It was undeniable. Kenny was right, wasn't he?
In a strange way, this was Kenny, trying to be kind.
I think.
I hang my head. "You think I should end it myself." I breathe, wondering if Eren saw the irony in this situation. Only yesterday, I had said I would be willing to do that, if it meant keeping everyone else safe. And now it seemed like the only door left open.
I look up at Kenny.
He slowly nods.
Levi shudders as he holds me. "What? Like hell!"
"Yer used to fighting against the odds, boy, I get it." Kenny nods, straightening up and heading back over to his horse. "But this ain't a gamble worth taking. The House has already won. Don't you get that?"
"You think I'm just gonna accept that?" Levi lets me go and strides after Kenny. "Tell me the phrasing!"
People appear around me, I think I can hear Armin and Mikasa, but I just stare at my hands. Still stained. Still debauched. Still ruining.
"I ain't telling you shit, it'd only hurt in the long run. They have all the cards, boy. And I have te say that I'm far more invested in their loyalty, than your shitty version of it. Do what you will with the information. You get gutted by the bitch, in your sleep? It ain't my doing." And with that, his horse trots away.
For a few minutes it's just quiet.
The wind shifts our cloaks, it unnerves the horses, it rustles gravel along the road.
For a few minutes, I feel sand slip between my fingers. The grains catch on the drying blood there.
"We need to get back to base." Levi finally says, staring after Kenny. "Get her in the wagon, Mikasa ride in there with her and give me that damned blade." He takes it, and the gun and strides away.
He needs to think, and most of all, he needs to let go. I'm moved like a broken doll into the wagon, happily being selfish and leaning against Mikasa and her kindness. She strokes my hair, murmuring things that I can't hold onto.
When, would it stop?
When, would I stop?
The wagon lurches into movement and I watch the world slip away behind us.
In the cold light of the early afternoon, after a couple more inevitable and undeniable nails in my coffin, I sit with Mikasa watching the rain begin to fall.
So there we have it, DRAAAAMAAAA. Hope you enjoyed!
Please leave a fav, follow and review, loooove to hear from my readers! See you in 3-4 weeks (from the 4th [as in tomorrow] though, coz I'm cheeky and gonna still act like I updated on the 4th)!
SHOUTOUTS:
MoonLover765: Glad you enjoyed! If you meant the very end, then yes, it was intended to make you laugh. If you meant the scene with Eren, not so much, haha. Hope you enjoyed this update as well, thank you for reviewing, see you next time!
TheGreatDebator (chapter 6): Thanks! Glad you liked the smutt and line, haha, it's a favourite of mine too. I hope you managed to return from the 10th dimension all right, tricky place. Glad to have you on board, and I sincerely hope you're still reading and find this response to your kind review. Always great to know the fandom is still growing, and still pulling in more unfortunate souls, haha! Thanks so very much for taking the time to review, means a lot, and I hope to hear from you again!
WhatName: Hello, welcome to the mad world! You read it in one go? Yeesh, you're dedicated AND masochistic - i like you already, haha! Yeah, it was time for him to be put in his place, to be honest I hadn't originally intended this arc anyway. I didn't even really notice the thing between Eren and Robyn till my boyfriend pointed it out, so there ya go. Haha! It was satisfying to write though. I'm honoured to have been your first taste of the AOT Fanfiction world! I see you've made inroads in my other stories as well, but I'll respond to those reviews with the next updates on those stories, you're very kind for revewing elsewhere too! In so far as recommendations, it kinda depends what you're wanting, OC fics, a certain other ship kind of fic, there's rather a wiiiide spectrum. Not to mention, I have to admit that I have stopped reading fics lately, partly due to simply not having the time, and partly due to the lack of consistent updating that's been going around. Another reason I'm so meticulous about keeping my own audience informed of my schedule and delays (if there are any)Thank you for taking the time to review! Was lovely to hear from you, and I sincerely hope you enjoyed this update as well, and that I hear from you again! Oh, also glad you like Erwin and Keza, another couple that kinda jumped out of nowhere for me. Stay tuned, to see if there's more to come ;) Thanks again!
Guest: Well thank you, I hope you're still with us, and still enjoying the story!
