Connor leant forward and gently kissed Maia's forehead and then he looked to Jude. "I guess we should start packing soon."
Jude nodded. Their possessions had somehow gotten ridiculously scattered over the course of the past several days; really, he didn't even know how they had managed it. It would be tempting to blame Maia for the mess – after all, babies were synonymous with tornadoes in that sense – but he knew that it was more his and Connor's fault than it was their daughter's. Messy was easier. At least until it came to time clean up.
Jude folded his legs out of the way as Connor slowly moved toward Maia's playpen. With an agonizing slowness, he gently laid his daughter in bed. He placed Rabbit in her arms and drew her blankets up around her, worried that she would get cold. He picked Tiana up from where she was laying by the bed. He bent her into a sitting position and placed her at the very end of Maia's playpen, where she always stayed during the night. He held Maia's hand until she rolled in her sleep, pulling away from him.
Connor straightened up and then he reached for Jude. He knew that they had to pack and had to begin getting organized, but they had all night. The world wouldn't end if he spent just a few more moments wrapped around Jude.
"It won't be long before you back with us," Jude murmured in Connor's good ear.
"I hope so."
He felt Jude's forehead rest heavily against the side of his head and Connor wrapped his hand around Jude's.
"I miss you already," Connor whispered.
Jude kissed the side of Connor's mouth. "Let's try not to think about it, okay?"
Connor nodded. "Let's just get the packing thing out of the way."
Connor bounced to his feet and reached out his hands, pulling Jude up off the bed. Jude stood unwillingly. Packing was like admitting that this was all over and that Connor was just hours away from being gone. He clenched his hands tightly around Connor's.
"We're going to be okay, Jude," Connor promised him.
"You have to be okay." Jude could survive anything – up to and including breaking up with Connor and seeing him with someone else – so long as he knew that Connor was happy, safe, and alive. He felt Connor's thumb turn the ring on his right hand.
"I have the most beautiful daughter in the world and the most handsome boyfriend in the world. I've been better than okay since the day that I first met you."
"You blob of mush," Jude accused. And then, feeling mildly self-conscious as he did so, Jude asked, "How handsome do you think I am?"
Because – while Jude could talk all day about how handsome Connor was with his distracting eyes, impish grin, and well-defined muscles – Jude didn't think there was a lot to look at when it came to himself. He was on the tall side and on the skinny side, but it wasn't like he had any definition to his body – he lacked Connor's motivation to work out – and his face was … Well, a face. Jude knew that he wasn't ugly, but he didn't think he was particularly handsome either. Not like Connor. With his heart stopping face and straight out of a magazine body, Connor typically turned heads wherever they went. Jude knew the havoc wreaked upon his boyfriend's self-esteem when the stares either turned morbidly curious about his scars or heads snapped forward again, as people became embarrassed for finding him attractive in the first place when they saw the decidedly less attractive half of him. The fact still remained, though, that Jude viewed Connor as the best-looking person he'd ever seen and he knew that he paled in comparison.
"You're as handsome as you are distracting." Connor rested his forehead against Jude's and then kissed an awkward trail down the side of his face, and Jude broke out into a smile. "And you are very, very distracting. Especially since we have some packing to get to."
"Why are you so eager to pack?"
Connor's lips tickled against Jude's ear as he whispered, "Because when we're done packing, you and I are going to get into bed and … Can you guess what we're going to do next?"
"Um … Want to give me a hint?" Jude asked, knowing what he'd like to do to Connor. He felt his boyfriend's hips nudge his own ever so slightly and it only strengthened the scene playing out in his mind.
"You're going to want to take your shirt off," Connor teased. "And your pants. But really that's just because I like you better without pants."
"Oh really?"
"Yes, really."
Jude felt Connor's teeth on the side of his neck, gentle enough to taunt him with possibilities. "I wonder what we could do with no pants on."
"Need me to just tell you?" Connor finally asked.
"Yes," Jude admitted, because he was not saying what he was thinking.
"After we got rid of your pants and made sure we were comfortable I would grab … the cake and cider because we need to celebrate how great this weekend has been!"
Jude shoved Connor back onto the bed, his cheeks burning as his boyfriend laughed. Jude turned his back on Connor and walked over to their suitcases, dragging his and Maia's large one toward the centre of the room. He didn't turn around, even as he felt one of Connor's hands brush his waist insistently.
"Why am I getting the cold shoulder?" Connor asked, humour in his tone. When Jude didn't respond, he pressed, "What? Did I make you all hot and bothered?"
"No," Jude lied. "Let's just pack so it's all done."
"At least now I can pack with a sense of accomplishment," Connor mused, knowing full well what he had done. He pulled his own suitcase next to Jude's and sat down, folding everything so that it would fit within the confines of the bag again. He glanced over at Jude's folding progress and then frowned. "That's my shirt."
"Yeah." Jude gripped the fabric tightly. It was his favourite of the shirts Connor had left at home and, over the past year, he'd probably worn it far more than his boyfriend ever had. "But I've been wearing it."
"Which is why I want it back." Connor reached for the sleeve of the shirt and pulled, but Jude wasn't surrendering it. But Connor wanted it. "Okay, you let me take the shirt and I'll let you take my green and blue sweaters."
Jude looked at the sweaters, already folded in Connor's suitcase. They would smell like him; more than the clothes at home did. With only a little bit of hesitation, he gave Connor the t-shirt and then snatched the sweaters out of Connor's suitcase before his boyfriend could change his mind. He placed the blue one carefully in his own suitcase but he unfolded the green one, taking his t-shirt off and then pulling the sweater over his head. Even though a sweater was a sweater, he liked Connor's clothes far more than he liked his own, even if they were too big for him. He peeked at Connor, having to push the large hood away from his eyes. Connor was staring back at him with an expression that suddenly made Jude feel nostalgic.
"You're adorable," Connor told him as he pulled the hood back down over Jude's eyes.
Jude pushed the hood away from his face and to the back of his neck, grinning. "Glad I'm yours?"
"Every day," Connor assured him. "How much do we have left to do?"
Jude glanced around the room. "Not a lot, really. We'll need to do more in the morning for like toothbrushes and stuff like that but I think we're good." He shrugged.
"So, time to eat cake!"
With the exuberance of a child, Connor jumped up from the floor. Jude found himself grinning along with his boyfriend's good mood, unfolding himself from the floor. Connor grabbed him into a hug and then pushed him down on the bed.
"And time for no pants on Jude!"
"Or Connor," Jude said quickly.
"Or Connor."
Jude didn't have time to move before Connor had his jeans unbuttoned and was pulling them from his legs. Connor dropped them on the floor dramatically. Jude reached forward so that he could help his boyfriend out with his pants, but Connor kicked off his own jeans, evaluating his boyfriend.
"You're not going to let me take your sweater off, are you?"
Jude hugged his arms around himself. "No." It was too cold to be without a sweater right now anyway.
Connor passed Jude the bottle of cider and Jude worked at pulling the cork out of the top of it. He had just yanked it free when Connor sat down on the bed next to him, cake and forks in hand.
"No cups?" Jude asked, taking a sniff of the cider. He'd never tried sparkling apple cider before, but it smelled like something that he wanted to taste immediately.
"Drinking from the bottle is more fun!"
Jude tipped the bottle to his lips and took a drink. "It's good!"
"The cake's probably better!" Connor dipped his fork into the side of the small chocolate cake and tore off the biggest bite he could manage and popped it into his mouth. Purple icing smeared across his lips as he chewed. "So good."
Jude grabbed the second fork and took his own bite from the cake. It was an amazing cake. He quickly took another bite and Connor used his fork to swat at Jude's.
"This is my cake!"
Jude offered him the bottle of cider to placate him while he inched the cake closer to himself. Connor could say that this was his cake all that he wanted – it was the perfect mixture of chocolate and icing, and Jude was taking it over.
"Hey, share that!" Connor ordered.
"Make me!"
"I bought it!"
"No, you wanted it. I bought it," Jude pointed out, grinning, ignoring the fact that their money went into the same bank account. "But maybe if you're nice I'll share."
"Define 'nice'." His voice was mildly seductive, but Jude wasn't falling for that again. Not even as Connor inched so that he was sitting beside Jude instead of across from him, the cake in front of their legs. He sat the bottle of cider on the nightstand and then looked at his boyfriend. "I want to try something."
"Uh –" Maybe he was going to fall for it.
"No, you can't talk. Hold still."
Jude froze, partially out of confusion, as Connor reached toward the cake. He swiped off some of the bottom icing ruffle onto his finger and then he outlined Jude's lips with the chocolate icing. Out of habit, Jude went to lick the icing off his lips but the moment he tried, Connor tapped his tongue with the tip of his index finger.
"No, that's not allowed either."
Jude sucked his tongue back into his mouth, feeling strange. He didn't know if anybody had ever touched his tongue before. Connor added another layer of chocolate to his lips.
"There!"
"'There' what?" Jude asked, his lips feeling strange and heavy.
Connor pressed his lips heavily to Jude's, the icing pushing from Jude's lips toward his nose. It was the weirdest feeling kiss Jude had ever experienced, because he wasn't used to there being a barrier between his mouth and Connor's. Jude found himself licking the chocolate away in any effort to reach Connor. He felt Connor nibbling at a large chunk of frosting at the corner of his mouth and he had to break away from his boyfriend.
"I don't think you thought this idea through," he teased. The icing had come off his lips in quite a few places and the patchwork arrangement made his mouth feel strange. He caught a piece of frosting on his tongue and pulled it into his mouth.
"I liked trying it. Come here, I want to get the rest off."
"I can lick my own lips, thanks."
"But I want to do it." Connor pulled Jude into his arms, leaning his boyfriend's head back and then Connor nipped his way around Jude's growing grin, making sure he get all the chocolate off. "Best idea ever."
Jude let his head fall backward, staring at the side of Maia's playpen. "How's she doing?"
"Um …"
Careful not to disturb the cake, Jude and Connor flipped onto their stomachs and peered into Maia's playpen. She had flipped onto her back again; Rabbit's ears were covering the lower part of her face.
"She's so cute," Jude murmured.
"I almost want to meet her biological parents," Connor commented, surprising Jude. Aside from that first discussion about S, they'd never talked about her biological parents; they were her parents. "Just to tell them thank you. I don't know why they didn't keep her or why they left her with us the way that they did, but I'm so thankful that they did. I just want them to know how grateful I am."
"Hopefully they know. Although if I ever met them, I'd have to ask 'why us'? I mean, two twenty-four year old guys don't exactly scream perfect parent material. Did they know us already? And if they did, how did we not know them?"
Connor rested his head on his arms, staring at his daughter. "Who cares about the why or the how? She's ours. That's what matters."
Jude rested his head against Connor's shoulder and then frowned. "What happens when she cares?"
"What?"
"What do we do when she asks why she doesn't have a mom? Or why other kids only have one dad? Or why the other kids look like their parents when she only sort of looks like one of her grandmothers? Speaking of, why does she have three of those but only one grandfather?" Jude took a deep breath. "I don't want her to have doubts about her family."
"She won't. We'll just explain to her that straight people exist and it's perfectly okay if she ever has to come out as one. I mean, if straight people get to complain that explaining gay people to their kids is hard, I get to complain about explaining heterosexuality to my kid," Connor joked. He felt Jude's head lift from him and he looked away from Maia to see Jude's flat look. "Oh, so you wanted a serious answer?" He thought about it for a moment and then continued a little more slowly, "We will tell her that many different kinds of families exist and that what matters in a family is love. Do you think we should try to explain the concept of adoption to her right away?"
"It's not like we can hide the fact that she's adopted. She doesn't look like either of us. And most of her family has been adopted so, yes. Do we tell her the story right away?"
"Story?"
"About S," Jude clarified. "If she asks us 'why her?' do we tell her that she showed up on our doorstep and we fell in love with her and couldn't imagine letting her go?"
"You fell in love with her," Connor corrected. He ducked his head, his chin tucked into his chest, staring down at the blanket. "I didn't want her."
"You changed your mind in, what, less than six hours? Connor, you love her so much –"
"But those six hours matter! If all I get is this then six hours is nearly a lifetime."
"You were scared to want her and that's different. No one came blame you for having reservations. In all honesty, I probably should have had more. Who just adopts a baby out of the blue like that, with less than a night's worth of thinking about it or fostering her beforehand? But we have her and I haven't regretted that decision once."
"Me either," Connor whispered. "But … I never want her to know just how hesitant I was."
"Then what do you want to say?" Jude asked.
Jude reached over to hook his hand under Connor's chin to lift his head up. He hated to see Connor hide away. He knew how ashamed Connor was of his first reaction to Maia and how much it mattered to him that he hadn't loved her from the moment he saw her. Connor met Jude's eyes, desperately trying not to cry. He hadn't wanted his daughter and he never wanted her to know that; he never wanted her to think, even for a fraction of a second, that she was anything less than everything.
Jude's entire chest hurt at the pained expression he was met with.
"We'll tell her that we never regretted her, because that's true." Connor inched even further down the bed so that he could see his baby girl clearly instead of through the mesh siding of the playpen. He was sure that she knew how loved she was. "And how we love her, because that's true too. And if she ever asks why she doesn't look like us, we'll just tell her how lucky she is that she doesn't."
"She's beautiful just how she is," Jude agreed.
Connor smiled and then he reached into her playpen to pull Rabbit's ear out from under Maia's nose. She shifted as soon as Rabbit was moved and her parents both froze. The last thing that they wanted to do was wake her up. As she settled back down, they backed away from the playpen to sit back up next to the cake. Connor picked up his fork and took a chunk of the cake, but he offered it to Jude. Jude gladly accepted it, thinking as he ate his cake.
Once he swallowed, he said, "Connor?"
"Mmm?" His mouth was full.
"There's something that I want to talk to you about."
Connor quickly forced his cake down. "Should I worry?"
Jude shook his head. "I was thinking about when you come home and I don't want you to surprise me."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, the last time you came home, you didn't tell me. This trip you lied to me about what day you were going to be here. When you come home for good, I want to know when. I don't want you randomly showing up one day."
"So you can have time to break up with your boyfriend?" Connor teased.
"Breaking up with you before you get home makes no sense."
"Are you saying you're going to break up with me after I get home? Because that's kind of mean."
"Or how about I never break up with you?"
"I vote that one!"
"Well, you can win the vote if you promise me that you'll tell me when you're coming home the moment you know."
Connor took another bite of cake and pretended to ponder the offer. "Jude for eternity in exchange for telling him a date that I don't even know yet … Hmmm. That's such a difficult choice. It's not like I really want Jude for eternity, after all."
Jude rolled his eyes.
"One more condition!" Connor declared, sitting up a little straighter as an idea lit up his eyes.
"No," Jude said firmly, pointing the tip of the cider bottle at Connor for emphasis. "I gave you my offer."
"At least hear me out," Connor begged.
"Fine," Jude acquiesced.
"I'll tell you the day I'm coming home the moment I know if you help me surprise Mom and Dad this time."
Jude took another sip of the cider. It was a fair deal. While he loved Connor's first homecoming, he would much rather be in on the secret this time around. "All right, deal. We'll surprise Adam and April."
"And now I'm excited for it," Connor admitted, although his tone was dull. He didn't know if he would get to surprise his parents. He didn't even know if he would ever see them again.
Jude curled up against the pillows, focusing only on the excitement of a homecoming, though he felt like the word 'excited' fell flat. Even ecstatic couldn't accurately describe how he felt when he pictured Connor finally at home. Jude just wanted to move on to the rest of his life with Connor. Even though their time of being apart wasn't over, Jude was so anxious for it to be; he was sick and tired of the waiting game. He waited for a phone call or for his Skype screen; he waited for any kind of news at all. He wanted to bring Connor home so that he could know his love was safe and sound, so that their daughter would know both of her fathers, and so that he could make Connor his husband.
Jude looked down at the ring on his hand and turned it. He nudged the ring a little further toward his knuckle, feeling a small swell of panic as it moved. Ever since Connor had given it to him, he'd made sure that it had stayed where it was supposed to. Now, Jude was staring at the tan line underneath of his ring. It was like the jewellery was a part of him. He poked the ring back into place, feeling a little dissatisfied. He turned it in a complete circle again, thinking about how different life would be when his ring was on the other hand. What a world of difference married would make.
He looked up from his hand as Connor put the cake on the nightstand and sat right in front of him. Jude was surprised to see his boyfriend was frowning and he wondered what Connor could possibly be frowning about.
"What's that face?" Connor asked, although he rested his hand against Jude's shin. He'd never seen Jude look quite like that before and that bothered him.
"Just thinking," Jude muttered, sorting through his muddled thoughts to get to the true root of his feelings.
"They look like heavy thoughts."
Jude spun the ring again, sure of what he desired. "I want to get married before we leave here."
Connor pulled his hand away from Jude and sat up straight, his spine going rigid. "What?"
"I – I want to be married to you and I want it sooner rather than later. I want –"
"Jude, even if we could, I wouldn't want to."
Jude closed his eyes, his fingers clasping around his ring again. He felt tears begin to sting around his closed eyelids because, even though he knew that wasn't what Connor meant, he felt like Connor didn't want him.
"When I proposed to you, you said no because you didn't want that promise to go unfulfilled. And I don't understand where this is coming from because it was just yesterday that we were talking about getting married when I got home … I just want to know what happened between then and now." He placed his hand back against Jude's leg as a reassurance for the both of them.
"I'm not allowed to change my mind?" Jude whispered. Besides, it's not like he was really changing it. He had told Connor 'not now' when Connor had proposed; he hadn't said 'not ever'. He just wanted now to happen, well, now.
"No, you are. I just don't understand."
Jude curled his legs up to his chest. "I know you think that this is out of nowhere. And maybe it kind of is but I'm not unsure about it. This isn't me being scared of the future or what could happen or anything like that. I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore." Jude opened his eyes just to look directly into Connor's. "I want to be more."
"I love you, Jude. But getting married and then leaving you an hour later? I can't handle that. That's not how I want to spend my first day as your husband."
Jude rested his chin on his knee. He should have known what Connor would say. He should have just let things lay. But he wanted so badly to take something more from Connor before they said goodbye again; to not be just a boyfriend because he wanted husband so badly it almost hurt.
"What happened to regretting it if I don't come home?" Connor asked.
"I'm going to regret it more if I don't … If you don't …"
Seeing Connor this weekend had only made Jude realize that he didn't want to wait. He wanted to at least put some part of their future in motion now, as if it could keep the ball rolling and keep Connor alive for all the years the he deserved to have. Jude just wanted to keep Connor forever – what was so wrong with that? Tears began to slip down Jude's cheek before he could stop them. With a flick of his wrist, he rubbed his cheeks, and then he stretched out his hands to Connor and picked up both of his boyfriend's hands. He ran his index fingers around the width of Connor's ring fingers and then he kissed Connor's left hand.
"You're mine and I'm yours no matter what label we use," Connor assured him. "I just don't want you to get home, without me, and feel the same way that you did before about this. I don't want to risk breaking anything because I'm not going to be there to help fix it."
Jude brushed the side of Connor's nose with his thumb and then placed his hand over Connor's heart.
Connor took both of Jude's hand in his own, thinking. "I know what I said that we should when this trip started, but I never thought you would do it. I'm not going to marry you in Scotland, Jude, and I think we both always knew that."
Jude curled his fingers tightly around Connor's hand.
"I'm yours no matter what," Connor assured him again. "We'll get married when I come home, just like we planned, okay?"
Jude nodded. It was the better option. Thinking about getting married and then kissing his new husband goodbye was soul crushing; thinking about saying goodbye to Connor was soul crushing enough on his own. But he wanted the future to happen now, and he wanted it so badly that he was willing to push it more than he should. He'd give anything for more.
Connor tapped his nail against the gold ring. "What would you say if I asked again?"
Jude nodded quickly. Yes. He'd say yes, just like he should have a year ago. It was what they both wanted.
"You'll actually have to say something," Connor pointed out with humour. Then, slowly, he took the ring from Jude's finger, dropping Jude's right hand. Out of habit, Jude pressed his thumb to his ring finger. It felt wrong to have it empty after the past thirteen months. The action didn't escape Connor, who smirked. "Am I going to have to buy you a ring for each hand?"
Jude shrugged, although he rubbed his tan line again.
"Stand up," Connor instructed him, climbing off the bed himself.
Jude obeyed, though once he was on his feet, he cocked his head to the side, opening his hand as he did so.
"Don't 'what' me. I didn't do the whole kneeling thing last time."
Even though he knew what was coming, Jude's heart still picked up speed as Connor carefully lowered one knee to the hardwood floor and gripped Jude's left hand tighter. He met Connor's eyes and drew in a deep breath. He had been looking into those eyes for over half of his life, had mapped the strands of colour in them more intensely than he would ever admit, and, still, just seeing Connor staring back at him made him feel loved.
"Twelve years ago, I knew you were going to be my best friend, and, though I never imagined then that I would fall in love with you, I did. I don't have the words to explain to you how happy I am that we ended up here together, with the family that we have. I could speak forever on how much you mean to me; how much I admire your strength and your compassion and your determination and … I just love you a lot, Jude Adams Foster."
Tears began to fill Connor's eyes again, but this time, it didn't break Jude's heart, because he was crying for the exact same reason. He was just too happy for words, because it really felt to Jude that this was the way things were supposed to be.
"Whatever time I have left on this earth, I want to spend it with you. I want to spend it as yours. Please, make me the happiest man on earth by saying yes. Will you marry me?"
"Yes," Jude whispered, glad that the word came out of his mouth. He was feeling so overwhelmed by the scene that he hadn't even been sure he'd be able to speak.
He felt Connor's slide the ring onto his left finger and the weight there felt strange. It was the best kind of strange. As Connor stood, Jude stared down at the ring. He hadn't expected to see it there for a long time; even just a couple of hours ago, he had been sure that Connor would stay his boyfriend until Connor came home. Now, he no longer had a boyfriend but a fiancé and Jude could think of only one other decision he'd been so confident of.
He gently kissed Connor, feeling his new fiancé melt against him.
Fiancé. As a writer, Jude knew that words were delicious, but so few had ever been so great. Other than 'adopted', 'family', 'love', and 'daughter'.
As the kiss ended, Connor whispered, "Jude Adams Foster Stevens. I like the sound of that."
"Connor Adams Foster Stevens," Jude replied, the names bursting in his mouth like the world's sweetest candy. "I like the sound of better even better."
"The time between now and getting home is going to be the longest of my life," Connor said, nuzzling his face into the crook of Jude's neck. "I don't know how I'm going to be able to stand it."
"Just do it for us."
"Everything I do is for the two of you," Connor assured him, and then kissed him again. "Lay down, Jude, I'll be right back."
Connor disappeared into the bathroom as Jude fell into bed. He made himself comfortable in the middle of the mattress and then he looked at the ring on his finger. It was the same ring that he'd been staring at for a year and it meant the same thing that it did when it was on the other finger: he was going to marry Connor Stevens someday. But the simple change of right hand to left hand had his stomach fluttering in a whole new way when he looked at his ring. It was one thing to know that he was going to get engaged; it was quite another to know that he was engaged. He loved the difference.
It seemed almost impossible to Jude that, after spending eight years daydreaming about his best friend someday loving him, they were engaged after being in a relationship for only four years. But those years of being friends had given them such a head start on their relationship; and it never felt to Jude like they were moving too fast. He would never doubt Connor; nor would he ever be with anyone else. He might only been twenty-five years old – incredibly young in terms of how old he could get – but he knew what he wanted. He had his family and he wanted to keep it. Even if he and Connor spent the rest of their days together unmarried, he'd be happy; but he was so excited to be engaged and he knew he'd be more than ecstatic on their wedding day.
He closed his eyes and relaxed into the pillows, thinking about the night Connor had appeared in his dorm room door, still clothed in his uniform, and the road to what they had now really began to smooth out. A smile graced Jude's lips just thinking about it.
"What are you grinning about?" Connor asked, coming out of the bathroom.
Jude opened his eyes as Connor climbed onto the bed. He sat between Jude's legs before laying down, his head on Jude's stomach. He crossed his arms under his own chin so that he could stare up at Jude. Jude locked his legs over Connor's, just in case Connor took it into his head to move.
"I was thinking about our first kiss," Jude admitted.
"Oh really? What about it?"
"Just comparing, I guess. That first night to this one."
Connor toyed with the string on Jude's hoodie. "And?"
"It's just so different," Jude admitted.
"Tell me about it," Connor requested.
"What?" Jude chuckled. "Weren't you there?"
"I just want to make sure you tell the story right," Connor said. He laid his head down on Jude's, his head rising and falling with Jude's breaths. "What part are you at?"
"Right after you told me you loved me too."
(-.-)
Jude opened and closed his mouth, trying to get out his words, but he didn't have any. Air whistled around his teeth as he tried to say 'r-r-really?' but he couldn't make a sound. His lips felt numb because he had just kissed Connor. He was dreaming. He was absolutely had to be dreaming. But Connor felt too real; this embrace felt too real; and the words he and Connor had just said were definitely real. He felt almost scared to raise his eyes to look into Connor's sweet, familiar eyes but he did, because he needed to see Connor's expression.
If Jude were an outside observer, he would absolutely say that Connor was staring at him with an expression of love. But he wasn't an outside observer and while he could see the tenderness in Connor's face, his stomach still twisted anxiously. He wasn't sure where to go from here. He wasn't sure what to do next. He wasn't even completely sure where the courage to start all of this came from.
"Can I kiss you again?" Connor asked softly.
Yes! Jude's heart leapt.
His eyes closed as he met his best friend's lips again, and he swore he felt his heart stop beating as Connor pulled him closer and then closer still. Jude had thought he couldn't get any closer than he was during their last kiss, but Connor figured it out. He gripped his hand in Connor's thin t-shirt; feeling Connor's hands warming his sides. He almost complained when he felt Connor's mouth leave his own.
"You don't know how long I've been waiting to kiss you," Connor admitted.
No, Jude didn't, but he would bet that he'd been waiting to kiss Connor for even longer. Telling Connor he loved him and hearing Connor say the words back to him was something that Jude had barely even hoped to dream about.
"And tell you I love you," Connor admitted, "because I do, Jude. I do."
Jude hugged Connor tightly, hiding his face against Connor's chest. He felt Connor hold him back just as strongly, and Jude felt overwhelmed by it all. It was the best kind of overwhelming; it wasn't like being out of control with nothing to hold onto, rather, it was too good to be true. He heard Connor swallow roughly at his best friend dropped his forehead onto Jude's shoulder and then Jude felt a strange warmth that could only be that of Connor's tears.
"I'm home, I'm home, I'm home," he heard Connor whispering over and over again, like a reassurance to himself.
His words tickled against Jude's neck and Jude gently stroked Connor's back. He was happy to just hold Connor; happy to have his best friend next to him. He stayed there, overheating from Connor's body heat, and Jude was sure that they would have stayed frozen in their embrace if Connor hadn't yawned. Instantly his fingers were touching the edge of Connor's jaw in concern.
"I've just had a long day." Connor reluctantly sat up. "I want to stay awake but I don't think I can."
Jude touched the dark bag under Connor's unscarred eye, thinking that the skin there felt much softer than his regular skin. He couldn't imagine how exhausted Connor must be and he felt bad that he hadn't noticed it before.
"Can I stay here tonight?"
Jude nodded quickly. Where else did Connor think Jude was going to let him go?
The edges of Connor's lips quirked upward. "Do you want me to sleep in the other bed? Or on the floor?"
Jude was shaking his head before Connor could even finish talking. He wrapped his fingers around Connor's forearm. "With me," he whispered.
"For the record," Connor revealed, "I wouldn't have actually slept anywhere else."
Jude smiled at that and then he pointed toward the ceiling. "Light," he explained. He slowly began to untangle himself from Connor, terrified that he would climb off the bed, turn of the light, and then turn around to see nothing but his blankets and his hastily abandoned textbook.
"Will you leave one on for me?" Connor asked. He looked away from Jude, embarrassed as he admitted, "I can't sleep without one anymore."
Of course he would. Jude left the bed, his textbook in hand. He slid the book onto his desk and then walked over to the light switches. He turned on the little light on Alex's side of the room before turning off the main light. The little light dimly lit the room and Jude worried that it was too dark for Connor.
"Light okay?" he asked as best as he was able. His throat was aching and he didn't know how many words he had left in him for tonight. Connor, however, didn't answer. His best friend didn't even look in his direction. Jude knocked loudly on the wall and Connor jumped, swiveling to face Jude with an expression half akin to panic on his face. "Sorry. Light okay?"
"Light's fine."
Jude jumped back up on his bed, reaching for the blankets.
"Can I sleep on the outside? I don't want you on my scarred side … just in case," he added.
Jude didn't ask in case of what; Connor would tell him when he was ready. Jude knew that the war was something that he shouldn't bring up or ask about; that they would only talk about it when Connor mentioned it first. Jude shimmied over to the wall and Connor laid down on the outside pillow. With great care, Jude pulled his comforter over them both. He made sure that it was spread equally over himself and Connor before laying down on his side. He flattened his back against the cold wall, an inch or so of space between his body and Connor's. Under normal circumstances, Jude would have had no problems eliminating that space. But, now, Jude wasn't sure of what to do. Connor was his best friend – his best friend who said that he loved him! Things weren't the way they were before Connor went to war. How could they be?
Connor wrapped his unscarred hand around Jude's and Jude felt the gentlest tug.
"Come here. No, really. I want you in my personal space."
Jude left the wall and instead pressed his chest to Connor's side. Connor brought their intertwined hands up from under the blanket and stared at them. Jude tapped his finger gently against Connor's knuckle.
"This is weird, isn't it?" Connor whispered at the action.
Jude tightened his grip on Connor. No. Holding hands wasn't new behaviour for them; after so many years, Jude didn't even think about it anymore. Was he talking about the kissing? Was he talking about what they had both said? If he was, and the more Jude considered it, the more it made sense that he was, then Jude didn't know what to do because he couldn't stand the thought of taking it back or pretending that it never happened. It had to have happened. This wasn't a dream.
"We've been friends for so long," Connor murmured through a yawn, and Jude's stomach dropped. Here came the 'oops, let's just pretend it didn't happen' speech. "It has to feel a little weird to you, doesn't it?"
Jude felt his bottom lip pout for a moment and he quickly bit down on the inside of it to keep it from turning into a full-fledged expression.
"Hey." Connor turned onto his side, lifting himself up onto his elbow.
Jude looked up at Connor, wondering 'hey what?'.
"Good weird, okay?" He stifled a yawn.
"Sleep," Jude whispered, although he felt buoyed by Connor's words.
Connor laid down again and Jude realized for them both to be as comfortable as possible, he'd have to be tight against the wall. He backed up it, this time drawing Connor closer to him. He went to lay his head against Connor's shoulder when Connor shifted awkwardly. Frowning, Jude faced Connor, trying not to think about how close their lips were out of habit.
"Goodnight kiss," Connor demanded and Jude smiled.
Heart fluttering, Jude kissed Connor for as long as he dared. Feeling content, he laid down on Connor's shoulder, his arm around Connor's waist. It only took a few moments for Connor's breathing to even out into a sleepier rhythm. Jude smiled against Connor's t-shirt and then he readjusted his head slightly so that he could hear his soldier's heartbeat.
And to think that when tonight began all Jude had hoped for was an e-mail simply saying that Connor was alive.
(-.-)
"How did I do?"
"You left out a couple of parts," Connor said.
"Like what?"
"Like how I literally thought I was dead when you said you loved me."
"Well, I was telling my side of the story," Jude reminded him defensively. "Also, you weren't dead."
"No," Connor admitted.
He flipped put all of his weight onto his elbows, leaning further up Jude's body. Whatever Jude might have replied was lost as he met Connor's eyes, recognizing the soft light in them. He closed his eyes as Connor kissed him and passion filled him all at once. After four years, after all of the times Jude had seen that expression on Connor's face, he knew what was coming afterward. He knew how Connor's lips would feel and where his hands would go; he knew how the scarred parts of Connor's body would feel against his own compared to the unscarred parts of his body; he knew how his own heart would pick up speed and where to put his own hands to elicit his favourite sounds from Connor.
Jude knew all of this like it was a well-choreographed dance he was meant to be a part of. But the familiarity never stopped it from being thrilling. To him, it was made all the better because he knew how his thigh would fit against Connor's hip and how no matter how close they got it was never close enough and how he would always find himself gently biting at the same spot on Connor's neck.
"I love you, Jude," Connor whispered breathlessly.
"I love you too."
And then Jude let his fiancé erase everything else from his mind but him.
Don't forget to send me playlist ideas if you have them! The first two songs are reader recommended and go with chapter 50: These Colours Don't Run by Iron Maiden and West Coast by Coconut Records. The third song is also reader recommended and is Could I Have This Dance by Anne Murray.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Never Say Goodbye, add backslash tagged backslash never dash say dash goodbye
I don't own anything recognizable.
~TLL~
