AN: I know this chapter is a little short compared to some of the previous ones, but I have a lot coming up in the next one. I had intended to have the wedding chapter done and posted by June 3rd, so that it coincided with the wedding date (and my birthday) but sadly, that isn't going to happen now unless something drastically changes in my life in the next two days. Now that I'm done dealing with my hubby's medical issues for the moment, I have to deal with my own and I hate doctors. I will be taking a much needed vacation in two weeks so I'm hoping to get some more writing done in that time. I plan to do some of it on the plane to Reno on my trusty laptop. I've already got the next chapter started and am hoping to get it done by this weekend. Thanks to all who have been patiently waiting, reading and reviewing. I love the reviews. You guys are great!
Lorelai got into her jeep with tears spilling down her cheeks as Luke's words tore at her heart. Maybe we need to reconsider getting married so soon, maybe we're just not ready She'd heard nearly the same words from her mother last night, but with her mother it was a lot easier to brush off the words since she knew in her heart what she and Luke had together or she had thought she did. Now it seemed like he was thinking the same way as Emily Gilmore. God, why did she always have to poison everything? The more she thought about it, though, the more she realized that her mother wouldn't have done what she'd done if Lorelai herself had come clean with Luke about her feelings. She'd never admit it to her mother, of course. That would mean swallowing her pride and admitting that she'd been wrong and that was something Lorelai just couldn't do. She felt like it was her own fault that everything was ruined. All she'd wanted was Luke to be able to have a real visitation schedule with his daughter, for him to step up and fight for his rights as her father rather than letting Anna run everything.
As her overly busy mind tormented her, she started thinking about the night that she'd discovered Luke had moved all of her stuff over to the house and how she'd told her mother about her pregnancy scare last year. She didn't know what had really made her think of it in that moment, but looking back on it now, she knew exactly what she'd been thinking then. She'd been wondering if things would have been different for her and Luke if it had turned out not to be a false alarm. She wondered how Luke would have reacted to the discovery that he had a daughter if she'd already been carrying his child at the time. Would he have still kept this secret from her for two months? Would he still have kept her separate from his life with April if they were already starting a family of their own or would it still be something that would drive a wedge between them? She couldn't help wishing now that she had been pregnant then. Maybe then he wouldn't have left her alone so much to spend time with April without her. She saw how protective he was of her and their unborn twins and had a feeling that it would have made all the difference in the world. He would never have abandoned her to be with another woman's child. He might have even included April in their life together sooner. She wished now that she hadn't freaked out about the possibility and had told Luke her fears then. Maybe then, they would have started trying to have a baby together. She'd found out just a week later that he really wanted kids. They could have already had a baby together by now. They could have already been married by now. Then when April had shown up, she wouldn't be made to feel like the other woman. She would have been the first to tell him that he was a daddy, even if she wasn't the first to actually give him a child.
Lorelai was so lost in her musings that she had arrived back at the inn before she realized it. She pulled the jeep into its usual spot and hurried into the inn, walked hurriedly past Michel, who was schmoozing a guest at the front desk with his usual insincere charm, and into the sanctuary of her office, not even noticing that the Frenchman had tried to talk to her as she sailed past him. She shut the office door behind her, leaned against it and closed her eyes as the tears continued to flow.
"I'm glad you're here, Lorelai," Kirk's voice rang out startling her as she hadn't noticed he was there.
"Kirk, hi," she said trying to sound friendly in spite of the fact that she really just wanted to be alone. "Excuse me a second," she said as she stepped out of the office wiping her tears away as she went and approached Michel asking him in a harsh whisper, "Michel, what the hell is Kirk doing in my office?"
"Well, if you would ever bother to answer your cell phone, you would know," Michel said testily now that the guest he'd been assisting was out of earshot.
"My cell phone?"Lorelai questioned.
"Yes, you know that tiny little portable device that was invented to receive calls while you're away from your office. Of course, that only works if you actually answer it. I tried to call you to let you know that Kirk was here after you left so abruptly without one word about where you were going."
"Just so we're clear, I'm the boss here. I don't have to answer to you." After the day she'd already had, she was in no mood to deal with Michel's typical derision.
"Whatever," Michel said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "It would still be considered courteous to let one's co-workers know where you're going so that you can be reached in a situation like this. I tried to call you cell phone while you were away, but the whole point of having a cell phone seems to be lost on you, since you don't answer it."
"Michel, I don't know what you're talking about. I never got a call from you. My phone would show a missed call if you had," she said as she rummaged through her purse for her phone.
"That is not my problem. I called it. Maybe your phone isn't working. Perhaps you should take that up with your service provider," he said as he returned to his post behind the front desk.
"My phone is working just fine," she said in a huff as she flipped it open. She cringed when she saw that it indeed did show a missed call from the inn. She must not have heard it ring during her fight with Luke. "Well, what's Kirk doing here?"
"I have no idea. He simply said he had an appointment with you and I didn't ask for more details. I have no desire to make idle chit-chat with the imbecile so I sent him into your office to wait for you in the hopes that you wouldn't be shirking your duties for the entire day. Now, if you'll excuse me, some of us have work to do."
Lorelai realized Michel was dismissing her. She'd worked with him long enough to know that she wasn't going to get any further with him. With a resigned sigh she turned and walked back to her office to deal with Kirk. As she re-entered her private domain she realized what she'd failed to notice on her first entry into her office due to her tears and that was that Kirk had spread several CD carrying cases across her desk. It hit her then what he was there for. She now remembered that she'd set up an appointment with him to start picking music for the wedding, a wedding that might not be happening now if Luke had his way.
Lorelai couldn't help but reflect on the harsh words that she and Luke had spoken to each other in the diner and felt a stabbing pain in her chest as she once again heard his statement "maybe we're just not ready." She recalled the pathetic voice in which she'd asked him, "Don't you want to marry me," and cringed at her own weakness. As much as she hated to admit it, her mother was right. She hadn't been acting like herself. She'd always prided herself on her independence and her ability to get by just fine without a man in her life but now it seemed that her whole world, including her future happiness, revolved around this one man. Though he'd answered, "More than anything," he clearly didn't want to marry her if he was going to let Anna come between them. It was evident by his behavior today that his relationship with April was more important to him than his relationship with her. He obviously wasn't going to change his actions when it came to spending time with her and was still going to let Anna run everything. It didn't matter that it was their family that would be destroyed in the process. He made that pretty clear when he stated that April was his daughter. It was apparent by that statement and his past actions in keeping her out of his dealings with her that he wasn't willing to share that part of his life with her and how could they build a life together if they didn't share everything? She felt the tears welling up again, but blinked them back out of stubborn pride. She didn't want Kirk to see her crying, not when he was there to help her with her wedding plans. She was really not in the mood to pick out wedding music when she wasn't even sure anymore that the wedding was going to happen. "Sorry about that, Kirk," she said apologetically. "I had to talk to Michel about something."
"That's ok," Kirk said oblivious to the fact that anything was wrong.
"Is there any chance that we can do this some other time," she asked. "I didn't realize when I set this up how much other stuff I have to do."
"No can do, Lorelai. I've got my other jobs to work around and this is the only time I'll be able to work you in between now and your wedding day. It is only a little over three weeks away now, you know," he reminded her.
"Yeah, I know," she said in a melancholy tone adding to herself if we make it that long.
"You guys haven't changed your mind about having me be your DJ, have you?" Kirk asked the disappointment evident on his face.
"No, of course we haven't," Lorelai said allaying his fears, just the wedding part. No, she argued with herself. The wedding is not off. She took a deep breath and asked, "So, where do we start?" She was determined that she was going to keep things business as usual and continue with the wedding plans until it was one hundred percent for sure that it wasn't going to happen. If it came to that, she'd cancel stuff if she had to. She'd done it once before, she could do it again.
Kirk's face brightened at Lorelai's assurance and said, "Well, since you haven't really picked a particular musical style for the wedding, I was thinking that we'd start with the first dance song and work the rest of the music around it. Now, I've picked out some selections that I thought would fit you and Luke given your history. I thought you could pick the one that you like the best, unless you have a particular song in mind?"
"No, I really don't," she said truthfully. All she'd really thought about recently was getting them to their wedding day, something that may not even happen now. Stop it, Lorelai, she admonished herself. It's not over until both you and Luke decide it's over. "So, let's see what you've got," she said more enthusiastically than she felt, but she didn't want to see that hurt little boy look on Kirk's face again. He'd been so looking forward to being a part of their wedding that she couldn't bear to tell him that there was a chance it might not happen.
"Well, since you and Luke were friends for so long before you got together, there's the obvious, Friends and Lovers," Kirk suggested.
"I don't think so, Kirk."
"Are you sure. I thought that one would be perfect for you guys."
"It's a good idea, Kirk, but I'm looking for something a little different."
"Ok, no problem. As you can see here, I have a wide variety of musical selections," he said indicating the CD carrying cases he had scattered across her desk.
"I can see that, Kirk," she said. "So, what else have you got?"
"Well, I know you're not really into country, but there's this great Faith Hill duet called I've Got This Friend, that pretty much describes you and Luke too."
"I don't think I've heard that one," she said.
"I could play it for you," Kirk suggested with a hopeful look in his eyes.
"Let me see what else you've got first," she said getting a little weary of Kirk's enthusiasm about her wedding when she couldn't muster up any herself knowing that there was a chance they might not get married after all. The more she thought about it though, the more she thought that maybe if she kept a positive attitude, maybe that would make the difference. "On second thought, Kirk, go ahead and play it. Maybe it will be just what I'm looking for," she said trying to reawaken the fervor she'd had when she'd first made their original wedding plans.
Kirk beamed as he inserted the CD into the portable boom box he'd brought with him," Just wait until you hear this one. I think you'll like it if you give it a chance," he said as he pressed the play button.
"I'll give it a chance," she promised as the music started playing. She'd never heard the song before, but as she listened closely and let the lyrics register in her mind, she realized that Kirk was right. It did relate to her and Luke. I've got this friend, who is lonely, she's afraid she'll never find her one and only… As the song played on, she realized that the song was about two friends who were talking to each other about finding someone, but in reality were talking about each other. That had been her and Luke over the years when they'd shared the pain of their respective heartaches, but were reluctant to admit the reason they couldn't make it work with anyone else was because they wanted each other. Maybe in each other, they might find a lover, they've been missing up 'til now… This time, Lorelai couldn't stop the tears from flowing as the haunting melody of the song washed over her.
When the song ended, Kirk hit the stop button on the boom box abruptly drawing Lorelai out of her reverie. "That songs gets you right here, doesn't it?" he said waving in the direction of his heart, misunderstanding the reason for her tears.
"Yeah, it really does," she said hastily wiping away her tears. "Powerful song," she added trying to brush off her emotions as being inflicted the song. "I don't think it's quite what I'm looking for though. I don't want to be a blubbering mess on my wedding day."
"That's ok," Kirk said shrugging off her emotional meltdown. "I've got plenty of other options here."
"Let's move on then," she said as she began to peruse Kirk's music collection in earnest hoping to find something that would strike the right note and maybe ease the pain in her heart.
Luke found it increasing harder to concentrate on his work as the day wore on. He kept reliving both his screaming match with Anna and the ensuing argument with Lorelai over and over again in his mind. He couldn't get the hurt look on Lorelai's face out of his head when he'd suggested that maybe they'd been trying too hard to move forward with their lives after the hurt they'd inflicted on each other over the past few months. He'd wanted nothing more than to take back the words and erase the pained expression from her face. He never wanted to cause her any hurt, but in his anger with Anna and with Emily, he'd done exactly that. He'd been doing that a lot lately. Last night, he'd been upset over finding out that Christopher had moved back to the area and had lashed out at Lorelai over it. He'd been mad at Rory and taken it out on April and now he'd done the same thing to Lorelai. What he'd told her had been true, though. He wanted nothing more than to marry her, but he couldn't help but wonder if in all of his efforts to repair the damage done to their relationship, if they'd just skated over the issues that had caused their estrangement in the first place. They'd talked about it, but he wondered whether they'd really forgiven each other. They'd both kept things from each other and they were both guilty of keeping each other separate from their lives with their respective daughters. He'd never felt like more of an outsider than during Lorelai and Rory's painful separation. It was strange to him that he'd felt like he was a bigger part of Rory's life before he and Lorelai had even gotten together than he'd felt when they'd first gotten engaged.
Luke sighed as he really started to think about how badly he'd screwed things up. He'd thought he was doing the right thing by following Anna's lead regarding his visits with April. He knew Anna well enough to know that if he pushed too hard, she'd just stop his visitation altogether. It wasn't as though he really had a legal leg to stand on. He hadn't been a part of April's life for her first twelve years and even though it was because he'd never known that she existed, it was really his word against Anna's if it came down to a court battle. She could always claim that he'd known all along and that he'd willingly chosen not to be a part of his daughter's life. Not to mention the fact that his name wasn't even on her birth certificate. All he wanted was to spend time with his daughter in whatever way he could without stirring up a bunch of drama, but that's exactly what had happened when Emily Gilmore had gotten involved.
Luke cursed himself for allowing Emily that much involvement in his life with Lorelai. He'd known from the start that it was a mistake. He knew his future mother-in-law well enough to know that she couldn't be satisfied with just helping with their wedding. That much had been clear when she'd started on her crusade to buy them a house. He'd been firmly against it in the beginning because he'd known that she wouldn't be able to help butting into their lives even more, but he'd let Lorelai talk him into it to keep the peace. As much as she tried to deny it, she really did want to have a better relationship with her mother and he wanted her to have it. He wouldn't deny her anything if he thought it would make her happy. He cared more for her happiness than he did his own. That and the happiness of his children. Now that he thought about it, it occurred to him that it hadn't been only Lorelai who'd talked him into the house. It had been his girls too. April and Rory had been equally excited about the new house. He sighed as he resigned himself to the fact that he'd agreed to it primarily for the good of his family. Emily hadn't been wrong in her assertion that they would need a bigger home for their children, especially with twins on the way. He didn't begrudge Emily for wanting to make sure that her unborn grandchildren were well taken care of. If his parents were still around, they'd have felt the same way. He just wished there was a way to make Emily understand that the purchase of the house as a wedding gift didn't entitle her to meddle in other aspects of their life.
Luke had become so engrossed in his own head that he found himself doing everything as if on autopilot to the point that he didn't even register anyone around him. He barked orders at Caesar, refilled coffee cups, delivered plates of food and ran the cash register without ever noticing the activity within the diner. This was probably a good thing because if he'd been paying close attention, he'd have noticed the quizzical look on Reverend Skinner's face as he paid for his food and how he stood there for several minutes after being handed his change, simply staring at Luke as if trying to gauge what was going on in his head. The minister shook his head as Luke didn't seem to even acknowledge his presence before getting his attention by saying, "Don't forget our appointment this evening. Six O'clock."
"Um….Right….I remember," Luke stammered having forgotten during his flare-up of temper that the reverend had even been in the diner this morning. "I'll…um…I'll see you then. I…um…I've got some orders to check on," he said as he walked toward the kitchen to escape the reverend's piercing glance. "Caesar, trade me places," he barked as his cook as he entered the kitchen. He was in no mood to deal with people anymore.
"You got it, Boss," Caesar said not wanting to question his employer's orders once he saw the perturbed look on his face. He'd heard the fight he'd had with Lorelai and knew in a situation like that it was best to just stay out of Luke's way. It had been the same way during that time when Luke and Lorelai had broken up. He just hoped things weren't headed that way this time. He liked it much better when things were going well with Lorelai. It put his boss in a much better mood. Caesar took once last look at his boss and his furrowed brow before making a hasty retreat from the kitchen to the front counter where he immediately grabbed a coffee pot and began making the rounds through the diner.
Reverend Skinner, who'd be hoping that Luke really was just checking on orders, realized as he watched Caesar move through the diner as Luke had been just a few minutes ago that Luke was purposely avoiding him. "I'll see you later, Luke!" he called in the direction of the kitchen making sure Luke knew he was still there and had no intention of letting things go. Luke wouldn't be able to escape this evening. He guessed that the diner owner would try to duck out of it, but if he knew Lorelai, she wouldn't let him. When he heard Luke reply gruffly, "Yeah, yeah," he turned to leave and begin making plans for his meeting with the town's favorite couple.
When Kirk left the dragonfly after a successful music-planning session, Lorelai sank into her desk chair completely drained. She had momentarily felt better actually doing something to plan her wedding to Luke than she had when she was just sitting and stewing about the situation. She knew that dwelling on the fight with Luke would serve no purpose other than to get her upset again and potentially put their unborn children at risk. She knew that she had to do her best to stay calm for their sake, but she still couldn't get everything off of her mind. She could no longer just sit here and fret about it. Her mother's reminder that she hadn't been acting like herself struck her and she realized that it was time to take action. She grabbed her purse, exited the office and called to Michel, "I have somewhere I have to be. You're in charge!"
Lorelai ignored Michel muttering under his breath "Imagine that," as she sailed out the door toward her jeep and began to make her way to Hartford.
