Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage

Chapter 49.

"Child Services Are Unnecessary, and Irrelevant. Just like this comma. "

(A/N: Vote on my poll in my profile, please. On another note, this story will probably be coming to an end soon...or not, I really don't know.)


Child and family services is a government and/or non-profit organisation designed to better the well being of individuals who come from unfortunate situations, environmental or biological. People who seek or are sought after to participate in these services, usually do not have stable homes and no other resource to turn to. Children might come from abusive or neglectful homes, or live in very poor and dangerous communities. -Wikipedia

I would just like to make it clear that the person who edited this page is clearly not from child and/or family services, and is clearly uneducated. First of all, there is an unnecessary comma after services, a punctuation mark which ruins the flow of the sentence. Therefore, they are uneducated. And probably British, because of the way they spelled "organization." I really do like British accents, don't get me wrong, but I find the spelling very odd sometimes. Like...like colour. And flavour. The 'u' isn't really pronounced, so it's rather superfluous. Right? Right. Thank you for agreeing.

On another note, I don't like my MacBook's right click trackpad feature. It's hard to right click, and when I'm playing CoD, it makes it hard to scope. Ridiculously hard to scope. And so I just spray 'n pray, you know, since I'm terrible at sniping and stuff.

Anyway.

Child services came knocking at my door the other day, because I guess the neighbors heard Mello II (the tiger) roaring violently, and then, after a very short period of time had elapsed, Mattello sobbing hysterically.

Okay. Whatever thoughts you have going through your mind that "OH MY GOD, MELLO II ATE MATTELLO'S FINGER" or something, no, that is not true. I was watching Mattello and definitely not playing Call of Duty at the time this incident transpired. Rather, Mello had just been feeding Mello II some raw deer meat that he had killed on the road (must have been a rather small deer, if you think about it; to get hit by a motorcycle, die, and then be brought home), and Mattello was traumatized by the fact that the meat was raw. I would have been traumatized too. I mean, at least make it rare, or medium, or something...

But child services came the other day and told us we couldn't keep Mello II, or if we did, we had to hand over Mattello. So we killed them.

And that was that.

Well, we didn't kill them, per se. We had Light kill them, because we told him that he should expect a call from child services, too. I mean, yeah, he and L really do warrant one, what with their household running rampant with children and potential hazards, etc etc.

On another note, I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows P.2 quite recently, and let me just say, if Malfoy and Ron really look like that when they're 40, heaven help all of us. And as for Malfoy's son, what kind of name is Scorpius? Also, I think they just shopped in Malfoy from his first year. Looks exactly like him.


Child services is just a fancy name for the department in the government that tries to find disadvantaged people way out in trailer parks and in the desert and whatnot and tries to make them into a success story so they can hang them up on the dining room wall and go home to their nice cozy homes and feel good about themselves. I mean, really, child services needs to be a lot more efficient about these kinds of things.

But no, tragically the government does not work that way. They steal my hard earned money and then complain about how I raise my family.

I'm getting to sound like a crotchety old man, aren't I?

I'm not old. And I'm not crotchety. But I am a man. A very manly man. Who does very manly things.

It's my opinion that child services should only be called in if there is actually something very seriously wrong, and it is also my opinion that child services needs to be more aware of the way some of these kids are treated.

Or just more aware in general. For the most part, child services is a department of the government running around madly like a chicken with its head cut off, picking all the wrong children and not seeing the right ones, or something like that. Although there are definitely some cases that I know of that could use an intervention via Protective Services.


BAD EXAMPLE :(

Did you know that Saku Jo had a twin? Well, she did, and if the twin had been here, I'm sure it would have been a very lovely person, and it's name would have been "Delete" or "Eliminate" or "Sir Mikami the Second." If it was a boy, for the last one. Eh. Maybe not.

Okay. At any rate, the thing that happened is that Mikami and some unknown pregnant spouse/lover were fighting about what to name the children, because, see, she didn't want her children to be named Saku Jo or anything like that.

Anywho, she proceeded to give birth right there (fantastic way to win an argument, I'm not even kidding), Mikami freaked out, and somehow misdialed the number for Child Protective Services, which, here, is 811, in his attempt to call 911.

Blah. Who am I kidding? Mikami, call 911? That's like saying Light is a virgin. And completely straight.

The CPS came, headed by Near, and extracted the children very quickly and carefully, and settled the argument between the two. And unknown spouse disappeared into the background of Mikami's life, but he was very pleased that he could name his own daughter Saku Jo.

Very pleased.

GOOD EXAMPLE :)

Another unknown spouse of Mikami's, who has been mentioned before, was horrified that Mikami would throw his daughter against the wall, not knowing that that portion of wall had been specifically padded for Saku Jo's body, and so called the CPS. The CPS dragged her away after examining the wall, claiming that she was crazy and insane, and not a certifiable parent.

The point is NOT that calling the authorities can sometimes backfire on you.

The point is that sometimes it is good to call authorities when you suspect something fishy is going on. Or when you need a way to end a relationship...

PERFECT EXAMPLE :D

In my defense, child services has never come to my door again. And we still have Mattello and Mello II.

So, I think I win.

Yes? Yes.

Very good then.

I shall see you next time with more love, dating, and marriage advice!