Outside, the air is cooler. Maybe not, but, being inside made me feel stuffy. Megaton looks the same, after the storm. The platforms are more efficient, using less steel with better engineering. The extra steel is being held for emergencies, per dad's order. We even gave some steel from our own house, which is the biggest in Megaton. When rebuilding the second floor, mom and dad kept their room the same, but didn't rebuild Dizzy's. So instead, there's two beds in my room, and it's slightly bigger. The house juts out at an odd angle now, and looks a bit off, but, it's nice. Megaton is nice.
Walking around for a bit, I wave to Gob while he tinkers with things alongside Zack. I see the citizens, and I nod at them. Erica comes into my view a few times, but there's nothing left to say to one another. New girls from other small settlements nearby, staying at the common house, look at me and smile. I'm handsome enough to have any one of them. They'd take me, and bring me in. Care about me for a bit, and maybe even fall in love with me. But, it wouldn't be the same on my end. Even the thought of sex makes me shake my head and feel sick. I don't know why. I loved sex, hell I still do. Thinking about it, drives me insane, though.
Stopping near the base of the crater, I decide to sit down. The Brass Lantern is busy today, and Megaton is filled with the happy chatter and noise it's usually filled with. You'd think life has been this way since the dawn of time, and that really there was no such thing as pre-war. People get along well here. They survive, and with the G.E.C.K, grow crops and make trade. But, there's no strive for new technology, or efficiency. Everyone's really adapted to the work. Really, I think it's the freedom out here, that no one wants to give up. The freedom to shoot someone, defend yourself, or run off and have nothing to worry about. A lawless system. Dad calls it anarchy. He said it was hell on Earth, when the bombs first fell. People were scavengers, cruel, and did anything to survive. But, over time, when they realized there was no end to the desolate waste, they started to work together towards a common goal. There'll always be Raiders and enemies, but, people work together now. I don't want to live in pre-war times, anyways. I wouldn't know how.
Up near the crops, I see Dizzy. The crops grow where the wall once stood, behind the restrooms, atop the crater. They reach a few hundred yards out, and stop at the Brahmin field. She's up there, sitting in the sun, in the grass, like I am. She's with that boy, too. They're laughing, and smiling. Good. Dizzy needs friends, and to be more social. I love her smile. She lights up, glows, even. When I was younger, and found out about Glowing Ones, I tried to feed Dizzy as much radiation as possible. When mom asked why I was doing it, I said it was because I wanted her to glow in the dark, so we'd never lose one another. I smile at the memory now, at my childish ways, but at the time, I was so sad when she told me that was impossible. Because to me, it meant I would never have to worry, because all I would have to look for was glowing Dizzy. Due to recent events, I suppose that wouldn't have been such a bad idea.
"Cain?"
I hear a woman's voice behind me, and I look up. Erica. Without saying anything to her, I look away, and back at nothing. I don't want to stare at Dizzy anymore. There's no man good enough, and it makes me mad that she's having fun with some idiot whose name isn't even important enough for me to remember.
"Cain, can I talk to you, please?"
"You've caused enough trouble."
I have nothing to say to her. There's nothing to say, as I watch the sun cast shadows on everything.
"I don't want to cause trouble. I just want to talk."
"There's nothing to talk about."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. Cain, we have a lot of history together and…I don't think we should throw it all away."
"We didn't. You did, and history means nothing. It only means security."
She sits down beside me, even though I didn't invite her to.
"…You have history with Dizzy."
"She's my sister."
"There's more than that to it, and I know it."
I look at her, while she runs her fingers over small blades of grass. How does she know? What's she getting at?
"Yeah? You think so?"
Erica nods, and looks up to where Dizzy and that idiot sit.
"She's trying to get away from you. She'd never waste her time with someone as stupid as Travis."
So. The idiot's name is Travis. I thought it was John or something, but I suppose I was wrong. He didn't leave a lasting impression.
"So her hanging with him, means she's trying to get away from me? You don't make any sense, Erica."
I get up to leave, maybe even to walk up to Dizzy. But I can't see her right now. I'm ashamed to face her.
"I always knew you loved Dizzy more than me. You'd choose her over me, any day of the week."
"She's my sister."
"It was an unhealthy devotion you two had. Sure you were both distant, but it was there."
"Stop it. You're making up false and crazy accusations. I don't want to hear it anymore."
She says something else as I walk away, but I choose not to listen. Instead, I focus on singling out Dizzy's laughter, as it travels through Megaton. It's been a long time, since I've made her laugh like that. Dealing with someone else, another guy, make her laugh is hard. But I know it's for the best. I know that if she moves on, then there's no worry. Because I'll have no choice to. If there was a way, for us to be okay, believe me I would take it. But in my mind, there isn't.
"Cain!"
This time, it's Dizzy who calls me. I turn around to see her running towards me, smiling, with that idiot behind her. She comes up to me, out of breath, but smiling.
"Travis is coming with us!"
I raise an eyebrow, and look down at him. He gives me a small smile, and shrugs.
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know yet. North. Somewhere. I want to…be free."
"Another mouth to worry about isn't good to bring along."
"But another gun is."
"I doubt he can shoot."
When Dizzy is near me, my body is faster, lighter, stronger, and all around better. I'm not sure if it's all from my dependency on her, either. Travis, the idiot, looks at me sheepishly.
"I can. My dad taught me how. Everyone out here can shoot a gun."
He tells me, and I fold my arms over my chest.
"Doesn't mean they can aim that gun."
"Cain, stop being mean."
Dizzy's hand drops from Travis' wrist. I look down at her, and shake my head.
"Bring who you want, but you know the risks."
Turning I walk away from her. I don't expect her to follow me, because I'm not even sure where I'm going. Home isn't an option, since mom and dad want to be alone, and I can't really leave Megaton. But still, I walk past my home and a bit away from it. Without the gate or walls, it's easy to leave the boundaries. Even if it is only a few yards, it feels much further.
"Why do you act like this?"
Dizzy says, and I turn to see her right behind me. I guess she did follow me. Alright.
"Do what?"
She shakes her head, and lights a cigarette.
"You act cold towards me, and get mad when I try to…when I try…when I try to…"
She gives up and puffs on her cigarette in short, angry bursts. My face softens at her. I didn't mean to make her feel that way. Still, I can't tell her. I can't let her on. This is the curse I was born with, and it doesn't mean she has to come down with me.
"Dizzy it's not like that, alright? I just…have a hard time accepting there's a man out there good enough for you is all. You know, like dad. He probably has that issue, too."
"I love the way you lie, Cain."
"I'm not lying."
She looks at me, her eyes filled with tears and hurt. There's a boy in Dizzy's life, and more than anything, I want her to be happy. If I can't make her happy, than the idiot has to. Someone has to.
"Everything that happened between us…"
She trails off, and I sigh. This is going to be a difficult life to lead, if this is how things will play out.
"Hey, look, let's…let's forget that, alright? You can…go play with Travis and soon we can leave Megaton together. We'll go wherever you want."
It's like I've just said something completely insane. Dizzy throws her cigarette to the ground and points a menacing finger at me.
"You might be able to forget it but I can't! It's my fault that it all happened! You almost died because of me! I would have given anything in the world to bring you back! And now…you want me to forget that? You want me to just…just forget it? Cain how inane can you be? How?"
"I didn't mean it like that, Dizzy. Just, calm down, okay? Stop yelling."
"No! No I won't! You didn't…you…you…"
Her cries break through her words. She stands in front of me, defeated, hurt, and it's all my fault. Once again, I turn my back on Dizzy emotionally, when she needs me.
"Come here."
I pull her into my arms, and at first, she fights me. Eventually, she lets me hold her, and quiets down. I want to tell her I didn't mean it. That everything will be okay, and the two of us can run off somewhere and do whatever we want. I know, that when I was sick, all I wanted was one more moment with her. I know my own feelings. I know, they're wrong. They're wrong, and I have to do all I can, to not fall for them. I can't believe, I'm telling her that I'd lay it all on the ground. That I don't care. It kills me, to know that's how she said it.
"…You're supposed to be stuck with me…"
"Not in any emotional sense, Dizzy. Only…chemically."
"Emotions are chemicals."
I let her go, because she's right, and I fear I won't hold back. Maybe it's the devil in me, doing all this. But, the devil doesn't make anyone do anything. They just blame him. We stand apart, and she sighs. Wiping her face, I know she'll never forgive me if I tell her outright that it can never be. Then I'll be terrified to wake up alone every day.
Looking past her, I see mom and dad leaving the house. Their alone time has ended, and I sigh with relief. I want to go home and lay in my bed. All this stuff today has taken quite a toll.
"Dizzy, go see Travis. If you want him to make you happy, then that's okay. I'm not mad, really."
She watches me walk past her, and says nothing. Soon I hear her footsteps behind me, and the rhythm of our feet comforts me.
"If it was just me and you, Cain, I wonder what we could do together."
Nothing good. Nothing good, will come of Dizzy and I being alone. Maybe it's good, that Travis the Idiot comes with us.
