Alright guys late update for you UK ones! It took me much longer to get this how I wanted it than I thought it would and honestly, if it wasn't for a certain TerribleWaitress this wouldn't have gone up until tomorrow!
Now, this is fairly long and tips hugely in the Lenny favour, but there is a little Shamy at the start and the conclusion to their night, as well as the Lenny stuff will continue in the next chapter. This wasn't supposed to be this long, honest, but it just kept on coming! Anyway, let me know your thoughts as ever cos I just love that, and hopefully the next part shouldn't take as long to get up! I'll try my best!
The Talk
"Hello, Amy." Sheldon greeted with a nod as he opened the door for Amy to enter. A barely there smile appearing on his face as he noticed her wearing her mustard yellow cardigan and matching shoes. Definitely her favourite colour, he thought with satisfaction.
"Hello, Sheldon." Amy replied with a smile as she stepped through the door and headed straight to the sofa, noticing how dimly lit the room was and thinking for a brief second the lighting was to provide romantic effect, until she realized it was more than likely something to benefit the television, not to create atmosphere.
"I trust you are looking forward to this evening." Closing the door, Sheldon turned and motioned to the snacks on the table. "I have everything ready, the water is boiling for our tea and the DVDs are stacked next to the television in chronological order."
"I am, and I appreciate the effort." Amy said as she took off her shoulder bag and sat down on the middle spot of the sofa, letting out a sigh as soon as the weight was taken off her feet. Her day had been long, stressful and tiring, and if she had it her own way she would have been in her own apartment getting ready for bed, not about to watch what seemed like endless amounts of a show she wasn't even interested in. The only reason she even agreed to watch it, was because of how excited Sheldon had seemed at the prospect of introducing her to one of his beloved shows. He genuinely seemed excited about it and she just couldn't bring herself to say no.
Things like this didn't happen often, not without much forward planning anyway. The idea for this 'Firefly' evening had only come up this morning on their car-pool to work. He had happily changed whatever plans he already had to spend this evening with her, probably because he was elated at the prospect of having a marathon of one of his favourite shows, but she liked to think part of it was because he was also looking forward to spending the evening with her. After all, he could have done this on his own, yet he insisted she join him, even when she informed him she would be late, messing up his evening routine. He hadn't seemed bothered by that prospect either, simply telling her that 'Firefly is worth staying up late for'.
Sitting back in the sofa, Amy watched as Sheldon brought over a tray filled with two cups, a kettle and the box with various flavoured tea bags inside, sat it on the coffee table and sat down on his spot beside her.
"What tea would you like?" He asked as he held the open compartmented box out in front of her.
After studying the choices for a few seconds, Amy picked one up and held it out, "Ginger and peach please."
With a nod Sheldon took the sachet from Amy's hand before opening it and placing the teabag inside the mug of boiling water.
"So how was your day Sheldon?"
"Mmh, it was fine. There's not much new to report on that I haven't already told you by text." He said then stopped as he remembered something, "Oh!" Leaning back, he reached into his pocket, "I just remembered, I got you this." He said as he held out the dark yellow key.
Stunned and a little confused, Amy frowned as she looked from the key and up to his eyes, trying to decipher what was going on. "You got me a key?" She asked and he nodded. "For where?"
Pointing the key towards his door he answered, "For my apartment."
Amy's jaw hung loose, caught completely off guard by the sudden gesture and by the fact that he was so calm about it. To her, this was a huge step, yet he didn't seem fazed by it at all. "You're giving me a key to your apartment?" She quietly asked.
Confused, Sheldon nodded as he motioned the key towards her, wondering why she wasn't simply taking it from him and putting it in her bag. "Yes, and I got it coloured so to distinguish it from your other keys."
"Why?"
He frowned again, "Why what?"
"Why are you giving me a key?"
"Oh," He said, shifting his weight as he dropped his hand, "well it occurred to me that Penny is the only one who has a spare key for this apartment, what with Leonard being out at sea." He shook his head, "And quite frankly the thought of relying on Penny in any kind of an emergency, makes me want to vomit. So," He gave a small smile, "I decided to get one for you. I feel much more at ease knowing that if any such incident occurred, that required the use of a spare key, that I have someone much more responsible than Penny on hand to help. So, please, take it." Holding out the key once more, he looked into her eyes, wondering why they still looked so shocked and confused. It was only a key.
Reaching out slowly, Amy took the key from his hands and studied it for a second. "Sheldon," She quietly began, "this is a big step." She said, looking up into his eyes. "Are you sure you want to give me this."
Frowning, Sheldon looked from her to the key, trying to figure out why everyone saw this as such a big thing. Sighing he replied, "Yes, I'm sure. It's only a key Amy and I trust you will act responsibly with it and only use it in emergencies." Sheldon stopped and looked at her once again, hoping that would be enough explanation and begin watching 'Firefly', but her expression stayed as shocked as it had been before. "If you don't want it I can take it back?"
"No," Amy replied immediately, shaking her head as she began to put the key into her bag. "No, I want it, I was just… surprised. I didn't think you would be comfortable with me having a key for your apartment. It is quite a step from being your emergency contact."
"Yes, well," He shrugged, "as I said before, I would much rather count on you than Penny." He replied as he turned to the tray of tea and began dipping the tea bags that were still in the water.
Amy smiled, deciding to stop questioning Sheldon's behaviour and simply accept it, it was much easier that way. The fact that he didn't see this step as such a big thing could only be good, to her it meant that he was becoming more comfortable with such advancements in their relationship, so much so that he barely recognised them as that at all. This sort of thing was something she was sure would have freaked him out in the past, yet now, he saw it as 'just a key'.
With a smile, Sheldon handed Amy her tea and she accepted it with a grin in return. "Thank you." She said as she took the cup from him.
"You're welcome." He nodded, "Now," Leaning forward, he reached for one of the remote on the table and pressed some buttons as he sat back, and turned to her with a smile, "prepare for one of the best shows of our generation."
As he lay awake in the dark, staring at the ceiling while his roommate snored in the background, Leonard found his mind drifting off as it often did at this time at night, or it could be closer to morning, he wasn't certain what time it actually was. If he had to guess, he would say it was around five am, but he refused to look at his phone and find the certainty that came with it. He liked to think it was closer to five, even though he had gone to sleep just after eleven and felt like he had barely slept an hour. He hoped it was more than that, and it probably was.
It was still dark out, he could tell through the small circular windows high up in his cabin, although he had to admit that seemed to be quite common. It was summer, yet the dark clouds and stormy weather that had an almost constant presence in this sea, made it feel like anything but. He looked forward to the bright sunshine and warmth of back home. He always felt this room to be cold, whether that was because it actually was cold or whether it was more psychological than that, he wasn't entirely sure. It was a mixture of both, probably.
With the duvet pulled up to his chest around his white pyjama t-shirt, Leonard clasped his hands on top of the sheets over his stomach as he continued to stare into the dark. The thoughts keeping him awake were the same as they always were. This mild insomnia wasn't exactly common place but it happened often enough for him to notice a pattern. It was always Penny that kept him up. Hardly a surprise really, but the kind of thoughts he had been having may have been.
While he often thought of just how much he missed her, of how badly he wanted to just be near her again and feel the warmth of her skin against his, these sorts of moments allowed his mind to wander over the parts of being with her that frustrated him, because all he could do was think, and overthink, almost every detail of their relationship.
He thought about the probability of what Paul had mentioned a couple of days ago coming true. He thought about whether he would actually want to do this sort of thing again. The work, he loved, but he hated being away from his loved ones and he just wasn't sure if it was worth it. He thought about telling Penny. About her reaction and whether it would be as he hoped it would. Whether she would even really show her true emotions to him or whether he would have to wait for her to really express how she felt, like before he had left for here. It had taken up until the day before he left for her to really open up and show him - as well as tell him - just how much she was dreading his departure.
All he really wanted was to be able to talk to her without having to wonder if there was more to what she was saying, and it was frustrating not being able to have that. He had noticed a difference in it ever since he had left though, realizing that her emotion came in bursts. It was like she kept most of how she felt inside until she couldn't anymore and it all poured out of her.
He loved those moments. As much as it pained him to see her getting upset over how hard she had been finding life without him, he loved seeing that emotion in her, because he just didn't see it enough. The gratification that came with knowing just how much she loved and missed him was unbeatable.
He wondered what kind of reaction it was that he hoped for when he told her about what Paul had said, although he felt like he knew exactly what reaction he would get. She would be supportive. She would smile with words of encouragement, but behind that smile and those words he would see the hurt that she wouldn't share, as she would tell him it would be too big of an opportunity for him to turn down. It was what had happened when he told her about this trip, and he was sure that it wouldn't change the second time round, if there was one. She wouldn't keep him from an opportunity as great as this, just like he wouldn't keep her from the same, but that wasn't the reaction he wanted.
A huge part of him wanted her to ask him to stay. He wanted her to feel so strongly about him leaving again that she asked him not to go. Needing, and craving that validation he so rarely got from her. The enjoyment he got from hearing her say those three little words was euphoric, but it had only really become a common thing since he had left. Before, she would say it on occasion, still not really used to expressing it freely, but not every day as she did now. He wanted that to continue, and he was sure that for the first few weeks after his return that it would, but he worried that once the excitement of him being back had calmed, she would return to being as closed off and hard to read as she was before.
It wasn't too much to ask really, all he wanted was a girlfriend that openly expressed how much she cared about him. A part of his life he had missed out on severely since his childhood. But he knew she wouldn't ask him to stay, just like he wouldn't ask it of her. She wouldn't risk being the reason he missed out on something huge, even if he wanted her to be.
Yet, at the same time, he didn't want her to drastically change. As much as he wanted her to be more open with him, he hated the idea of her becoming something she wasn't. He had fallen in love with her, flaws and all, and taking any of those things away would change her from the woman he had fallen for. He didn't mind having to ask her how she really felt, or even having to pull it from her a little, he just wished it wasn't so hard.
Sighing, Leonard winced, an acute migraine shooting through his temples. His brain begging for sleep, but his body unwilling to give it. It was confusing, thinking about Penny. The only thing he was ever sure of was that no matter how much she stressed him out, how much he hated always having to treat her like some sort of brain teaser, he loved her, unconditionally, and he had for a long time. He knew that what he felt for her he had never felt for anyone else in the past and would never feel again. He didn't want to feel this way for anyone but her, and that was why, despite how frustrating he could find the waiting, and how tiring figuring her out could be, he wouldn't leave her for reasons like that. It would take something huge, an otherworldly betrayal of some sort for him to walk away, and unless that happened, he would stay by her side, unwilling to give up on her. Because, in her words, 'the heart wants what the heart wants', and his heart wanted – needed - her.
Maybe it was silly. Maybe it was naïve and maybe he was postponing what he really wanted in life - a family - because of it, but he knew there was no other option. He had been with other women, he tried love with them and it hadn't worked because they weren't her. She was the only one he knew he would be truly happy with. There could be others, others that he cared about, loved even if he moved on and looked hard enough for it, but she had a place in his heart that no-one else had the power to fill, and right now he was willing to wait it out.
She was getting there. She had told him so herself, and he really believed that whatever it was keeping her from the commitment she was so afraid of, would pass. She loved him, he could see it in her eyes when she said it, and he really did believe that she was trying.
At some point, he drifted off to sleep again, awaking what felt like only minutes later, though was probably much more, to the sound of his phone buzzing on his nightstand. From the two short vibrations he knew it was a text, and by the time of day that he was still unsure of, he knew it was Penny. She was the only one that would text him at this time, and since they had no scheduled call this morning, he instantly wondered what was wrong. Sitting up and grabbing his glasses with one hand and his phone with the other, he put them on as he simultaneously unlocked his phone, noticing as he done it that it was just after half six.
Hey sweetie, sorry if this wakes you up but I have some news! Get your cute little tushie on the laptop and Skype me when you're ready :) I'll be waiting. Xxx
Smiling, Leonard propped himself up properly on his bed, stretching out his arms as he sat up. Looking over in the direction of Paul's bed, he thought over whether he should really open up his laptop here to talk to her. He was certain by Penny's text that she was going to be overexcited because of whatever news it was she had to tell him, and he didn't want to wake Paul up with their conversation.
Leonard thought it over for a few seconds then decided it was best to take his laptop to the recreation room, allowing him some extra privacy since he knew the room would be empty at this time, and allowing his roommate to sleep a little longer before the beginning of their day began.
Leonard stepped out of bed and put on his red robe over his white t-shirt and camouflage boxers as quietly as he could, before heading to the bathroom to quickly wash up. Once finished he made himself a cup of coffee, before putting his keys and phone into his pockets and grabbing the laptop from his desk.
Less than five minutes later he was sat at one of the tables in the empty room, filled only with games, furniture, books and televisions.
As he waited on his laptop booting up and sipped on his coffee, he briefly wondered what the news she seemed so excited about was, but he didn't focus too much on it, she was excited after all, so that meant it had to be good. He smiled then, beginning to get the little butterflies that always came before her face lit up his screen. This was something he really needed right now after such a restless night.
When she finally appeared, his grin widened, noticing his green t-shirt on her as she sat cross legged on her sofa, her back to the door and her laptop sitting in the middle spot of the sofa. The smile he saw on her face, the beaming one that radiated pure happiness and excitement warmed his heart. It was a smile he hadn't seen in her too often these days and it was a welcome change.
"Hey sweetie!" Penny said first, the happiness in her voice evident.
"Hey beautiful." He grinned, and raised one eyebrow as he looked towards her t-shirt. "Still in my clothes?"
"Always…" She nodded and let out a soft giggle. "So, how are you?"
He stifled a yawn as he stretched his arms out behind his head, "Tired." He replied as he relaxed, "But I have coffee for that." Smiling, he pointed to his cup. "So, how about you tell me the news that is so good you had to wake me up to tell me?"
Penny bit on the inside of her lip as she smiled, before forcing a sympathetic pout. "Aw baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
Leonard let out a short chuckle at her attempt and shook his head, "It's okay, I was kind of already up anyway, so come on tell me. The suspense is killing me." He grinned as he took a sip of his coffee.
"Okay." Penny replied, a grin shooting over her face. "So earlier today, I was coming home from a real crappy day at work and I got a phone call." She stopped momentarily, her heart beginning to race once again with the excitement from earlier, unable to contain the widening beam of happiness in her face. "It was the casting people from that play. Remember the one I auditioned for a few weeks ago?" When he nodded, she continued, "Well, they want to see me again. I have to go and see them again this week with just a few other girls, so I am like this" Holding up her hand, she put her thumb and index finger less than an inch apart, "close to getting the part!"
"Oh my God, Penny." Leonard replied a grin covering his face, his heart swelling at just how happy she looked. "That's wonderful!"
"I know!" Penny exclaimed. "I couldn't believe it! I was so shocked." She shook her head, "I was sure there was a mistake when the guy called!"
"Why would you think that?" Leonard asked, his head tilted slightly. "You're a wonderful actress. Remember how good you were in 'A Streetcar Named Desire'? It was only a matter of time before one of those casting guys realized how amazing you are." Leonard smiled as he saw her excitement die just a tad as she looked lovingly at him through the screen, a slight shyness in the way she was smiling at him, just like she always had whenever he would give her such compliments. "I'm proud of you Penny, so proud. You're gonna ace that call-back. I just know you are."
"Hmm, yeah, well…" Penny doubtfully replied, shrugging her shoulders "Maybe."
"No." He determinedly retorted. "There's no maybe about it, you will." He smiled, "I know you will."
Picking at her fingernails as she looked into the screen, Penny continued to timidly smile back at him. He really did believe in her, sometimes to the point where it was unreasonable and naïve. It was something that deep down she already knew, yet hearing him say it brought out so much more feeling than she could have imagined. "Thank you." She softly replied, feeling her throat begin to tighten ever so slightly, once again going from one emotional extreme to another, all because of him.
With a small, loving smile she stared at him on the other side of that screen. His hair all messed up from sleep, his jaw unshaven and his eyes still tired. She didn't get to see him like this very often anymore, whenever they spoke in the mornings it was usually after his morning shave and shower. She missed seeing him like this, rugged and handsome, and in that red robe too.
"You don't have to thank me honey. It's the truth." Leonard said so softly it made her heart flutter. "You should have called me when you found out though," He grinned, "I can't believe you waited this long!"
Penny smiled and nodded letting out a soft laugh, knowing he would say something like that at some point, but despite his attempt, she wasn't ready to let this conversation turn light-hearted, there was still more she had to discuss with him, things she had been thinking over and over again in her head ever since she and Sheldon had left the comic bookstore.
She had to tell him all of what had happened to her today, from when she sat in her apartment listening to her iPod, to what she had realized earlier in that comic bookstore, and as much as she looked forward to telling him how she thought she had figured out what it was that caused her to be so unwilling and scared when it came to commitment, she was terrified at the reaction it could have. The simple idea of sharing these deep thoughts with him scared her more than it ought to as well, but she knew she had to do it. He deserved to know after everything that he had done for her regarding her problems; he deserved to know what it was that caused them.
Penny cleared her throat, looking down at the hands still fidgeting in her lap. "Yeah, no… I didn't want to wake you." She looked up and gave him a small smile, "Although I guess I did that anyway." She let out a short, almost nervous laugh, before looking back down again.
Frowning, Leonard studied the woman in front of him. This was exactly what he had been reflecting on earlier. The way she was acting made him feel like something was wrong with her, but what she was saying to him didn't reflect that at all. Something was bothering her, and he wished she would just tell him, but instead it seemed she was reluctant, waiting for him to ask and pull it out of her. The thought saddened him, wondering what it was that made her so hesitant to talk, especially with him. She should want to talk to him, she should want to discuss her problems with him, if no one else she should be okay with doing it with him, but it still seemed she wasn't, not unless he asked.
After dropping his head with a sigh, Leonard looked up and opened his mouth to ask her what was bothering her, but before the words could leave his mouth she spoke.
"Leonard," Penny said, still staring at her hands, "We um… we kinda need to talk."
Leonard frowned, his mouth still slightly ajar from being cut off, "Oh…" was all he could get out. Both shocked at her admission and worried about what it meant.
"It's nothing bad." She assured him quickly, seeing the worry in his face. "At least, I don't think it's bad." She sighed, then reached out to her coffee table and took a quick sip of her wine to ease her nerves before leaving it back down and shifting her weight on the sofa, pulling her crossed legs closer to her body before resting her hands beside her ankles again. "It's just… something else happened today. Something…. Something I wasn't really expecting... It's good." She nodded, "it really is, sweetie, it's good for us." Looking into his face she could see the confusion building, and her words of assurance seemed to do nothing for the worry in his eyes. "But you might not think so at first, so you have to let me finish okay? Just let me get this all out the way it is in my head and then you can ask me whatever afterwards. If you start questioning me right away I'll get all… confused." Exhaling, she looked into his eyes, pleading with him to understand.
Leonard had no idea what was going on and he worried immensely about it, despite her reassurance that it was nothing bad, he reasoned that it had to be something bad or else she wouldn't be so serious. If it were something good she would have addressed it in the same manner she had when telling him about the call-back.
He should have brought his inhaler, he realized as he felt his chest tighten. He could tell by the determination in her voice though, that he had to listen as she had asked. She had stuff she had to say and it was probably best he let her get it all out. So he nodded as he took a few breaths and a sip of his coffee. "Okay," He gave a small, reassuring smile, "I can do that. What's going on?"
"Okay," Exhaling again, she sat up straight, "well, earlier today I was just sitting around the apartment after finding out about my call-back. I was so happy at first, but then after realizing that I couldn't call you because it was so late, I got a little… I dunno, sad I guess, so I put on some music, you know, to cheer me up a bit and that helped. Well, it helped a little anyway." She cleared her throat, "So… then this song came on that really got me thinking about… well, about us." She chewed on her bottom lip as she considered how to continue. "Well, less about us as a whole and more about me, these… problems I have and well, I think I might have figured it out."
Leonard said nothing, offering only a raised eyebrow amongst his slight frown to show how intrigued he was as he listened and let her continue.
"See... I was thinking about me and you and how-" She shook her head, "ugh this is going to sound so cheesy," She laughed a little before becoming serious again. "About how much you mean to me. How…" She gave a warm smile, "how I can't even imagine my life without you in it anymore. You are so important to me, Leonard... I really do want us to make it." Penny angled her head towards her feet in an attempt to hide how emotional this was making her, the tightness in her throat from earlier re-appearing, her eyes glazing over with tears she didn't quite want to show. "I want us to have a life together," She added with a croak, "I really do." Taking in a breath she looked back up, blinking away the water in her eyes, "The thing is, as I was thinking that, I didn't get scared, Leonard. I didn't worry about the commitment of it all it was just so… simple. I love you and I want to be with you. This trip of yours only made me realize that even more." Penny let out a sigh, "But…" Blinking slowly, she looked down at her feet once more, and spoke quietly, almost ashamed of the words. "But, the thought of getting married, right now, or you know, really soon, still freaks me out a little." She let out a loud sigh, "And that confused me," She said with determination as she looked back up at him. "It's so stupid because if I want to be with you, then why does that thought always scare me?! It's…" She sighed again, "Frustrating. But… well I think I figured out what it is."
Once again Leonard stayed quiet, looking intensely at her as she thought the words through in her head, until she took in a deep breath and continued.
"I think it has to do with my mom." She started, noticing Leonard sit up and pay attention as she spoke, "You see she got married really young and all of her life she spent looking after me and my brother and sister." Looking down, she shook her head. "She didn't have a life of her own really and I don't want that for myself. I don't want to be just a mother and a wife." Leonard frowned and Penny panicked inwardly, worrying that she wasn't telling what she wanted to the best of her ability. "Look Leonard, you are this big time scientist, you have that stuff that you love away from us; I don't." She shook her head, "All I really have is The Cheesecake Factory and I want more than that… You are the only thing in my life right now that I am truly passionate about, if we got married now, it would stay that way. And I know that's not a bad thing really… but I want more. I don't want to become my mom, honey. I want something else to be passionate about. I want to be known for more than just being your wife." Scoffing, Penny shook her head. "That sounds horrible. Sweetie I don't mean it bad. I love you and I really do want to be Mrs Hofstadter one day. One day soon, but I just have to… I have to get the rest of my life on track first. I want to have a place where I can go and be passionate about something else. It's selfish, I know it is because I'm asking you to wait on me figuring that out, but Leonard, this isn't something I'm just going to sit back and let happen on its own. I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to find that thing that I love doing and do it."
Penny stopped, partly to take a breath and partly to gauge his reaction. He looked thoughtful, she decided, but she couldn't tell whether it was good or bad. Her heart began to thump, or maybe it already was, either way she could feel it now as though it was hammering against her chest. She had lay herself completely bare in regards to her emotions in a way she hadn't really before and his lack of real reaction was scaring her. "Okay, Leonard you need to say something here."
