'Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warning: Language, adult situations and content
Chapter 53 – Consumed by the Fire
Sirius strode into the dormitory to find James sitting on his bed, flipping aimlessly through an old Quidditch Monthly. He threw himself on top of his bed, clasping his hands behind his head and waiting for the unavoidable reaction from his friend.
"Well, what happened?" James tossed the magazine on the floor and came over to sit on the end of Sirius' bed. "What did he say?"
"He told me that I could move if I wanted to," Sirius answered. "But I'm not going to; I'm staying here."
James slapped him on the leg and let out a laugh. "Brilliant! I thought moving was a bad idea."
"I'm going to reconsider if you're going to do that on a regular schedule!"
"Git," James returned. "So, what are you going to do?"
Sirius shrugged. "Dunno exactly. But I do know that I'm not going to just sit back while Remus ignores me. I've done enough of it. Speaking of Remus, do you know where he is?"
"Grabbed one of his books and hared it to the library about an hour ago."
Sirius rose.
"You're not going to try to talk to him in the library, are you?" James asked, jumping up to block the other boy's path to the door.
"Why not? In case you hadn't noticed, there aren't any students here yet. It's the summer holiday. Pince isn't even here. Don't be thick, James. It doesn't matter if he yells and screams at me; there's no one but me to hear it, is there?" Sirius reasoned, sidestepping James and walking rapidly toward the door.
"Do you want me to come with you?"
Sirius turned in the doorway and smiled. "No, James. I got myself into this mess; I will get myself out of it – one way or another." He paused, "I'm not sure what's going to happen, Jamie. It could get worse, you know."
"I know, Padfoot and we'll deal with it if it happens. Remember what Kate said: 'Don't borrow trouble'."
"Right."
XXXXXXXX
In the furthest corner of the Hogwarts library, undiscovered by more than a handful of students, was nestled an extremely secluded, cozy nook replete with a deep sofa, a squashy chair and a working – if tiny – fireplace. Remus, of course, was intimately familiar with every nook and cranny of the library; in better days, he gamely held up under the merciless teasing of the other Marauders when it came to his love of books.
When Lily finally capitulated to the ever-persistent James, he shared the hideaway with her and the two spent many pleasant – and undisturbed – hours studying. It became Remus' refuge in the pre-moon days when the wolf made its presence felt and the human struggled to control his more irritable personality.
Regrettably, it was the day after a full moon that a still-groggy Remus described the location of the corner to Sirius so that an errant Charms textbook could be retrieved. Upon his return, Sirius teasingly told his friend that he had finally found one section of the library he could love. To preserve Remus' "private reading place", as Sirius dubbed it, however, he promised that he would never reveal it to anyone else and he was as good as his word. The one or two witches he'd brought to the nook – for decidedly non-literary pursuits – had been blindfolded for the trip. The dark haired Animagus discovered the fact that Remus also used the lovely soft sofa for a similar 'activity' quite by accident on his last visit. In deference to his best friend, Sirius quietly spirited his Hufflepuff date away from the area and never went there again.
This evening the tall, lead and glass window was propped open to let in the cool night breeze and the comforting sound of peepers and bullfrogs calling out from the damp shore of the lake. Beneath it, Remus nestled in a corner of the sofa, a copy of Shakespeare's "The Tempest" in his grip. Having stared at the same page for well over a quarter-hour, Remus closed the book and smiled grimly at the title on its cover. Perfect choice, he thought to himself as he turned and brought his long legs up onto the sofa, stretching his long frame until he was comfortably lying on the soft cushions, his head propped on a matching pillow.
Since coming up from the lake, Remus had been unable to purge the conversation with James from his head. To be more accurate, he was unable to purge the feelings evoked from the conversation. He missed his friends – all of them – but knew that what he was missing was the easy camaraderie and brotherhood from before. Remus couldn't see how those times could be recaptured; couldn't envision trusting Sirius enough to allow them to be recaptured.
Remus sighed and shifted his position on the sofa. He hated being at sixes and sevens with anyone – particularly with his friends. It was easier last term when we all felt the same way about what had happened. Well, James and Peter at any rate. Lily and, of course, Kate, had been more neutral as time had worn on. James had told Remus only that Sirius had explained things to him and that they were friends again. Remus snorted. Sirius obviously had time to come up with a good story to earn James' trust again. But even as that thought came to him, Remus knew it wasn't fair. Last term, he had seen for himself that Sirius had changed and since returning to the castle a week ago, the other wizard had done nothing to indicate that he'd reverted to his previous form. But it took him five years to turn on me, so a few months is hardly enough to go on.
"Remus?"
The werewolf bolted from the sofa like a shot at the sound of Sirius' voice. He looked in the direction from which it had come and almost immediately, Sirius stepped from the shadowed darkness into the light cast from the single wall torch.
"I'm sorry, Remus; I didn't mean to startle you. James told me you'd headed for the library with a book and I reckoned I'd find you back here," Sirius walked a bit closer to the other wizard. "I want to talk to you; I've been trying to do that for awhile now."
Remus shook his head. "There's nothing you have to say that interests me."
"I don't believe you," Sirius said simply, swallowing down his irritation at yet another dismissal from his former friend. "We were too close and you're too analytical. If for no other reason, you'd want to hear me out just to satisfy your curiosity."
"You flatter yourself," Remus' voice was harsh.
"No. No, I don't flatter myself. Not anymore, at any rate," Sirius replied evenly. "Now, the way I see it, you can either give in and listen to me or we can continue this stupid, bloody game where you try to avoid me and I keep coming after you. Wouldn't it be simpler to just get it out of the way so we both know where we stand?"
"Sirius, please," Remus put his hands out in front of him as if to ward off the other boy. "I don't care why you did what you did; it's the fact that you used me that I can't get past. I don't need to listen to you if that's what you want to tell me and I can't imagine that you'd have anything else to say that would matter."
Sirius felt his anger rise and again struggled to control it. This is the longest he's stayed in front of you since the Prank, you twit; don't lose it now. He took a deep breath. "I know that you don't want anything to do with me. But, you see, Remus, I'm trying to make things right – or to at least apologize to you for what I've done, but you just won't give me the chance. I know that I've hurt you and I know that I betrayed your trust – I realize those things. I'm sorrier than I can ever tell you, Remus – truly I am. I know what I've done to you and if I could …"
"You 'know what you've done to me'? You know nothing of what you've done!" Remus advanced closer to Sirius, who stood his ground. He'd gotten the other boy to talk to him – finally – and he wasn't going to give him any reason to stop talking if he could help it.
I'll surprise you, Remus. I'll stand here and take it; just keep talking.
"You're so fucking determined to have this conversation? Brilliant! We'll have it. But just you remember, Black: you bloody asked for it!"
Right. Here it is, then. Remus is piqued – finally. Let's give it a go. "I didn't plan to send Snape to the shack; it just happened. I wasn't thinking clearly; I was so angry that I …"
Remus jumped in. "…saw the chance to end your difficulties with Snape once and for all."
"No! It wasn't like that," Sirius protested, shaking his head. "Remus, never once did I stand there and make the connection that if I sent Snape to the wolf, it would kill him! Not once!"
"Not 'the wolf', Sirius – me! I am the wolf! That's the critical piece you cannot seem to grasp. It would not have been the wolf that killed Snape – it would have been me!" Remus had been shouting when their encounter began, but this last was said in a voice that was eerily quiet, impassioned though he was in his delivery.
"I know that now," Sirius responded in kind, although his voice held the barest quiver of desperation as he continued. "Remus, you can't believe that I would knowingly – willingly – take that kind of chance with your life! If I had stopped to think, I would have realized the truth in what you've just said and I would have come to myself enough to have … to not … Remus, I never would have done what I did."
"You can't know that – and neither can I."
"I have to believe it. Remus, so many things have changed since that night. I'm not the same person I was then."
Remus shook his head. "You're not the person I've thought you were for the past five years, either."
Sirius sucked in a sharp breath. He'd known how Remus felt and the words were an echo of their conversation that morning in the hospital wing, but to hear them again still hurt. More than he was prepared for. Sirius took a few moments to compose himself before speaking again.
"See, that's the part I don't understand. For the past five years, I've proven myself to be someone who acted without thinking. I can't imagine how you can stand there and say that by not thinking things through with Snape I showed anything but typical behavior!" Sirius instinctively knew that he hadn't advanced his case with that remark, but it didn't seem that anything, at the moment, would make Remus see him any differently. He watched the other wizard and waited for him to reply. Remus moved back toward the sofa and resumed his seat before he did.
"And for that, I blame myself. I should have realized this would happen one day – and ended the friendship long ago." Remus' voice was cold.
Sirius felt his anger rush back with such force that he couldn't control it; truth be told, he didn't even want to try. Words dropped from his brain onto his tongue and he didn't trouble himself to edit them.
"Because I'm a Black, right? Because no matter what face I presented to you, it would always be nothing more than a mask for my true nature, wouldn't it?" He began to pace back and forth in front of Remus, propelled by the force of emotion running through him. "Obviously, befriending you, learning everything I could possibly learn about werewolves in an attempt to find something that might help you each month – that was all an act; I was merely pretending to be your friend – and to what purpose? The sheer joy of experimenting with potions and spells to effect the Animagus transformation – that must have been it. Yes, I remember with great fondness the gleeful experience of pain and nausea associated with each failed attempt at perfecting the potion. No…perhaps it was the sheer number of failed attempts at transformation that brought on all that lovely exhaustion. No, wait, I have it! It was the brilliant opportunity to be in the room with you for those gut wrenching, painful transformations from boy to wolf and back again." Suddenly, Sirius stopped and stood directly in front of Remus. The sarcastic sneer that had marred his handsome features was gone, replaced by an odd mixture of anger, resentment and sadness. "When we became friends, I knew nothing of the wolf, if you'll remember. You were a quiet boy on a train who locked an empty compartment door behind him after turning away from an idiot who teased him. I don't remember exactly why I knocked on that door instead of moving on to one of the other vacant compartments. Maybe it was curiosity; I'd seen plenty of kids run away from bullies, but I'd never seen one who turned and calmly walked away like you did. I do remember wanting to make sure that git didn't come back. I also remember that when I introduced myself, I could tell by your face that you knew the name. But you never said a word; you shook my hand and you made room for me in that compartment. You accepted me. Or so I thought at the time."
"I did…" Remus said quietly.
"Not really, though, did you? You just said it now. 'I should have realized this would happen one day'. Those were your exact words," Sirius interrupted.
"I wasn't saying…"
"Shut up!" Sirius' shout was full of anger and his eyes flashed with it. "Bloody, buggering hell;I am so fucking sick of this! You sanctimonious bastard! I fucked up, ok? In a fit of anger – and fear – I sent Snape where he should never have known to go! I'm responsible for that – and I will carry that knowledge and the guilt that goes with it for the rest of my life. You had the right to be bloody furious with me and you exercised it. You cut me the fuck out of your life without sparing me so much as ten minutes' time to explain myself. Oh, I know that the why of it all isn't important to you, Remus and you know what? I don't believe it is anymore, either. You've repeatedly told me that it's the fact of what I did, not the reason behind it that concerns you. But, don't you see, Remus? All that says to me is that you're pissed off that I did it. You're not giving me an inch to try to make it up to you. Five years, Remus…five years of being your friend – and they mean nothing to you? You can throw away our friendship without even listening to me? Without even trying – even wanting to try to fight for it? I thought friendships meant more to you than that. You taught me that friendships were worth everything; that they were certainly worth fighting for. But I guess I was wrong about that, too, because what I'm finally starting to hear through all of this frigid silence of yours is that you just can't be fuckin' arsed to try; and you certainly have absolutely no intention of forgiving me!"
Remus leapt from the sofa at this. "You have no right to demand forgiveness," he shouted.
"I already know that and the only thing I'm demanding of you is more of what you've given me for the past months – silence. But this time, I want that silence to mean something. I want you to hear me out. Look at it this way: it'll be over with quicker if you just sit there and listen to me," Sirius shouted back, staring the werewolf down until he nodded once – reluctantly.
"Right," Sirius continued, lowering his voice. "Where was I? Oh, yeah – forgiveness - or the lack of it at any rate. You'd have no way of knowing this, but I've learned a lot about forgiveness since I sent Snape to the shack. You said that I had no right to demand your forgiveness and I truly do know that. I learned that no one can demand forgiveness from anyone else; it's either given freely or shouldn't be given at all. One should have the chance to earn it, however, but I guess what I did to you makes that impossible in your eyes. I can't fight you anymore after this, I've decided, so you won't have to worry about a repeat of this bloody scene. I've already begged, already apologized – and all of it has fallen on deaf ears. I will always regret losing you, Remus. You've been like a brother and I've loved you as one. We've fought, we've disagreed and we've probably irritated each other to no end about any number of things, but in the end, we've always fixed it. I guess that's done with now. I can finally say that, after spending the past few weeks denying that it could ever happen; convinced that if I could just get you to listen to me, that I could fix it – yet again."
Sirius swallowed audibly and walked over to the fireplace to give himself time to compose himself.
"You know, when you come right down to it, we are very similar creatures, Remus. Neither of us is what we're supposed to be. Neither of us is truly what we're labeled. I guess, given everything, I would have thought that you wouldn't have judged me based on my name, just as I have never judged you based on people's perceptions of lycanthropes. Never once. I never dreamt that you would have been waiting for me to show my "true colors" – or color, forgive the pun. It helps me to understand what you must have felt like that morning in the hospital wing when I told you what I'd done, but I would have hoped that after five years, your expectations of me – your opinion of me - would have been higher.
"I'm sorrier for all of this than I know how to tell you, though Merlin knows I've tried every way I can think of. I'm sorry there's no coming back from it and that we won't be friends any longer. I'm sorry that I've finally lived up to your expectations, Remus, but look on the bright side: you were right, even though it took a little time for me to get there," Sirius turned to walk away, knowing he had a limited amount of time before his tenuous grip on his emotions slipped entirely.
"Sirius," Remus' voice stopped the other boy, but he didn't turn around. "I didn't mean that I … that you … I didn't think…"
Sirius turned to face Remus. "You didn't think," he repeated softly. "Happens to the best of us, doesn't it?"
Remus dropped his gaze to the floor and, moments later, heard the sound of Sirius' heavy boots walking, then running across the flagstone floor of the library.
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Kate stood before the wall that hid the Room of Requirement. James had just finished telling her – and Lily – where Sirius had gone and what he intended to do. Based on Remus' mood before he'd left for the library, James felt certain that things were going to go very badly indeed and Kate agreed with him. She doubted Sirius had finished his confrontation with Remus but was willing to bet that when he did, he would come here instead of returning to the dormitory. With that in mind, Kate closed her eyes and walked once, twice then three times, back and forth before the wall. Suddenly, the outline of a door appeared then intricate carvings filled the outline and, finally, the heavy, cast iron door handle appeared. Grasping it, Kate pulled firmly and entered, closing the door firmly behind her.
As she turned, Kate rather expected to see a room similar to that which she'd experienced when the group had come together to strategize over Ofelia's situation. Instead, she slowly walked toward what appeared to be a single dormitory room – modified slightly. Obviously Gryffindor, from its deep burgundy and gold color scheme, the room boasted one double bed, one writing desk, one coat rack, one bookcase and one nightstand. Instead of the small, wood stove that stood in the center of each dorm room, however, there was a large fireplace along one wall, in front of which stood a seating arrangement of a sofa and two chairs that mirrored the Common Room. Thinking that Sirius was moving from the Tower into this space, it initially made sense to her but as Kate sat down on the sofa, she realized that it didn't. If she was the person to summon the Room of Requirement, shouldn't the room have morphed into what she needed it to be? Or, was she so in tune with Sirius that she could summon what he needed? I was thinking about his move when I summoned it; perhaps that's it, Kate mused, but there was still some niggling kernel of doubt that she could not quite put her finger on.
Kate shivered and was dismayed to remember that the warm air of the July evening had not permeated the castle walls in the slightest. Dressed as she was in a short-sleeved t-shirt and jeans, she was unprepared for the chill in the room. She rose, pulling her wand from her pocket and, pointing it at the fireplace, murmured, "Incendio!" Kate was immediately gratified to see flames spring up amidst the large stack of wood in the grate and, pocketing her wand, moved closer to the fire to take advantage of its warmth. As she did so, she heard the heavy door creak then scrape against the stone floor. Turning in the direction of the noise, Kate saw Sirius pulling the door closed behind him. When he turned toward the room, Kate sucked in a sharp breath; he looked terrible.
"Sirius?" she took a step toward him. His face was deathly pale, his brilliant blue eyes red-rimmed. Kate could see tear tracks still moist on his cheeks, but he was not crying now; his expression was unusually still. Whatever had happened in the library, it was obviously more than the young wizard had bargained for – and it had clearly taken a terrible toll.
"Katie," he said quietly, voice hoarse. "I talked to him; to Remus, I mean."
"Come and sit," Kate took another step in his direction and extended her hand.
He looked at it for a moment as if dazed, then reached out and grasped it tightly. "Kate…," he whispered.
"Shh, love. Come and sit," she said again, walking slowly, leading him to the sofa. Once there, she gave his shoulder a gentle push and he sat heavily on the deep cushion, head against the cushioned back, still not relinquishing her hand.
Kate sat close to him and pulled her feet up onto the sofa so her upper body rested against his side; she dropped her head to his shoulder and just sat quietly. For what seemed like a long while, there was no sound in the room but the crackle of the hearth. But for the occasional sighs from the wizard next to her – and her own suspicions about his state of mind - Kate would have thought him asleep. Finally, he proved her right and spoke, his voice tight and hollow sounding.
"He won't forgive me, Kate. He just won't."
Kate closed her eyes. "He said that to you, did he?"
She felt him nod against her hair and she sat up straight to look at him. His eyes looked so lost, as if his best friend had died. I guess in many ways, he has.
"We said a lot of things. He yelled at me, I yelled at him; it was a right knockdown. In the end, though, none of it mattered. I'm a Black; I was bound to revert to form – and five years worth of fighting against form, five years of being his friend – well, they're not enough." Sirius closed his eyes for a few moments. "It's over and Merlin, Katie, now that it is, I'm just so tired."
Kate leaned over and kissed his mouth gently. "Why don't I run you a nice bath? You soak for a bit and relax and I'll go to the kitchens and see if the house elves will give me some tea or maybe something chocolate to bring back, yes?"
Sirius' grip on her hand tightened and his eyes flew open to search her face. "You'll come back, though."
Kate's heart clenched. "Always," she whispered. "I will never leave you."
Sirius' eyes filled and he blinked rapidly to clear them. "I love you."
"I love you back," she said, smiling gently, then sat back against the cushions as Sirius sat upright.
"No bath," he said, shaking his head. "Maybe a short nap, though." Haven't been sleeping well for the worrying; nothing to really worry about now, is there?
Kate glanced over at the door, then back at Sirius. That would work; that would work nicely.
"Right, then. You take a short nap and I'll head to the kitchens. I'll be back before you know it," Kate rose.
"Katie-girl? Will you stop and tell James that I won't be back tonight? I think I'll stay here. Not permanently – just –," Sirius paused.
"Just tonight," Kate finished for him and was rewarded with a small smile. "Would you like some company?"
His expression changed to one of surprise and the resulting smile was the closest to normal Kate had seen since they left Brighton.
Sirius nodded. "Just to sleep, Kate, really. It would be nice not to be alone."
Kate leant down and kissed the top of his head. "Absolutely. I'll go to the kitchens, then to see James. I'll need to stop in my room for a moment or two as well, but then I'll be back. I promise."
Sirius nodded, then stretched out on the sofa. He was asleep before Kate could turn to head to the door.
Once she was certain he couldn't see her face, Kate dropped the mask and her eyes snapped fire. With the legitimate errand of seeing James on Sirius' behalf, Kate had been given the perfect opportunity to deliver her own message.
XXXXXXXX
Kate spat the password at the Fat Lady's portrait and hurried through the opening once the frame had swung inward. Once on the other side, Kate's eyes swept the room before her, disappointed to find James alone before the fire.
"Where is he?"
James stood. "Kate! I haven't seen him; I'd hoped he was with you."
"I'm talking about Remus, James. Where is he?" Kate put her hands on her hips and stared the young wizard down furiously.
Merlin, he thought. Padfoot has surely met his match in this one. "Upstairs," he managed, stunned when she strode purposefully toward the stairway that led to the boys' dormitory.
"Kate! You can't …" but she was already gone. A moment later, he heard the crack of a door hitting a wall. "Bollocks!" he swore. "Remus is done for!"
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Remus sat bolt upright on his bed when the dormitory door hit the wall. He was stunned to see Kate standing in front of him, fury written all over her lovely face.
"Waiting for Sirius to return so you can pick up where you left off?"
Remus closed his eyes. "Kate, please. You don't …"
"'I don't' what, Remus? Know all the details? No, probably not. But I know enough. He apologized, didn't he? I suspect you didn't let him get a whole lot farther than that, although he did mention that you both spent a fair amount of time yelling at one another. He also mentioned that you refused to forgive him. You actually intimated that he'd spent the past five years waiting for a chance to betray you. Remus, how could you?"
"He misunderstood…" Remus said.
"Really? I don't know, Remus; I just left him and it seemed to me that he was pretty clear. You weighed five years of friendship against five minutes of stupidity and decided that his stupidity was worth more than everything you've shared for the past five years," Kate's voice rose as she spoke. "In fact, those five minutes were so much more important, you were willing to throw away any chance of friendship because of them!"
"Kate," James had come up the stairs and stood in the doorway. "You might get a bit further if you let him answer at least one of the questions you've asked, yeah?" His voice was soft, but firm. Remus shot him a grateful look before turning his attention back to Kate.
"Where is Sirius, Kate?" Remus asked quietly. Upon closer inspection, the toll the situation had taken – was taking – on the young werewolf was most apparent. Kate's loyalties, however, lay elsewhere.
She thrust out her chin defiantly. "Why? So you can finish him off? It wouldn't take much to do it, I assure you. You've done a good job of it already." She paused, shaking her head. "No, I won't tell you where he is."
"He's wrong about something; I need to make sure he knows that," Remus tried again – but with no real expectation of changing her mind. He wasn't disappointed.
Kate bristled, even though Remus' tone was far from aggressive and bore no trace of anger. "Remus, I know that what he did was wrong – stupid and wrong – but he knows that, too. You've spent a lot of time punishing him with silence. Tonight, you punished him with words and you managed to convince him that you've no use for him and that you won't forgive him. Personally, I think that you've pointed out enough of his faults; he doesn't need to hear one more from you. I want you to leave him alone now. You certainly haven't had any problem ignoring him since this thing happened. Just keep on doing it."
Kate turned to James. "Sirius won't be coming back here tonight. He asked me to tell you."
"Is he alright?"
"No," Kate looked over at Remus and exhaled sharply, her anger dissipating now that she'd had the chance to confront him. Somehow, she didn't feel as victorious as she'd thought she'd feel when she set out for the Tower. She just felt sad – for the both of them.
"Remus, I don't think you know how much you mean to Sirius; how much you'll always mean to him. He loves you like a brother and he's spent the past couple of months replaying that night over and over in his head. He drags his guilt around with him like a great iron ball chained to his ankle. He knows what he did and he knows what it cost him. How much he's valued overall. He now knows that, to you, the depth of his mistakes is the measure of his worth. Nothing else. No matter how hard he tries, no matter what he does, he has no value in your eyes," Kate paused to brush away the tears that had begun to fall. "These are for him," she said fiercely. "Because he's worth more than you give him credit for; he's worth more than his own family gives him credit for. How many stupid things have you done in your lifetime, Remus? I mean, besides befriending Sirius, which you apparently count amongst your mistakes." She waited for a moment and, when no answer was forthcoming, she spoke again. "Nothing to say? Well, I can tell you one thing, Remus; I might not know how many mistakes you've made, but I know which one was the biggest. It was the one you made tonight. The one where you chose a grudge over a friend." Kate took a deep breath and turned to James. "Could you give me Sirius' toothbrush and shaving kit, please?"
"I'll be right back," he said, glancing at Remus who looked truly stricken as he stood in front of Kate.
"Kate," Remus began again, as James re-entered the room.
"Don't," she said softly. Taking the kit from James, she turned toward the door. "I have to go." And with that, she stepped into the hallway.
Ignoring Lily's questions, Kate slipped into her room and grabbed her own toiletries and a change of clothing before leaving as quickly as she'd arrived. After a brief stop in the kitchens she was finally ready to return to the Room of Requirement, which she did while glancing over her shoulder every now and again to make certain none of her friends had followed her. Pacing three times before the wall, she opened the door when it appeared and walked inside as quietly as she could in the event Sirius was still asleep.
"Katie?" his voice called quietly through the dim light. He had moved from the sofa to the bed and extinguished all light save that emanating from the fireplace. "Are you alright?"
"Fine," she replied, cursing the nasal quality of her voice. Perhaps he wouldn't notice.
"You don't sound so fine," he said. "What happened?"
Kate turned to find him sitting up in the bed, bare-chested, a look of concern on his handsome face. "I've brought sandwiches, chocolate cake and some milk back from the kitchens. Come and have something to eat."
Sirius rose from the bed, grabbed a sweatshirt and pulled it over his head then padded barefoot over to where she was standing, returning the food, plates, glasses, and utensils to their normal size and laying them out on the hearth rug.
"Stasis," he murmured softly then turned toward Kate. "It'll keep. Come talk to me."
Kate took the hand he offered to her and sat down next to him on the sofa. She looked at his face and felt her emotions well again as she saw the concern in his eyes.
"Did you see James?"
Kate nodded. "I have your shaving kit and your toothbrush."
Sirius gave her a crooked smile. "Thank you. Katie, what happened? Did James upset you?"
Kate shook her head. "Oh, Sirius; I was so angry at Remus after you told me what happened between you tonight that I went to the Tower hoping I'd run into him."
His eyes grew wide. "Did you?"
"I went into your dorm room and told him off," she confessed. "I don't even remember exactly what I said; I just opened my mouth and it all came tumbling out."
Sirius looked at once sad and incredibly touched. "Remus is your friend," he said quietly. "I never expected you to give that up – for me."
It was Kate's turn to look incredulous. "I would choose you over anything else. Remus was your friend, too, and he didn't treat you very well, did he? I know, I know," she said, holding up her hand when Sirius started to interrupt her. "You didn't treat him very well, either when you revealed his secret to Snape, but you realized how stupid that was and how much it hurt him. You've done nothing but try to apologize to him, try to make it up to him somehow and he's walked away from you. I can't be a friend to someone who would hurt you that way; someone who would have so little tolerance for a mistake, so little willingness to forgive."
Sirius pulled her to him and held her tightly. "I don't want to be responsible for you losing your friends. I know how that feels and I don't wish it on you – your choice or not."
Kate pulled back until she could see his face. "You're not responsible for that. Sirius, I love you; I'm not going to stand by and watch people hurt you. Your family's done that; even I did that at various points this year and now Remus has decided that he can't see past a moment of poor judgment and remember everything you've done for him. I don't need friends like that, Sirius."
"Katie," he whispered, leaning down to kiss her. Kate's lips parted and he immediately deepened the kiss. When they finally broke for air, Sirius searched Kate's face. "I don't deserve you," he whispered.
Her eyes filled. "You deserve whatever – and whoever – makes you happy. I don't ever want to hear you say that again."
Sirius kissed her again. "You make me happy."
"Kiss me again," Kate whispered. "Please."
Sirius tightened his arms around her and captured her lips once again. He gently took possession of her mouth, using his tongue to explore its depths. Kate moaned softly and entwined his tongue with her own.
"Katie," Sirius murmured, resting his forehead against hers then kissed her eyelids, her nose, her cheeks and then her lips once again.
"Sirius," she breathed against his mouth. "Make love to me."
She felt him start at her words and then he pulled back, looking deeply into her eyes. "Are you certain that you're ready?"
Kate nodded. "Very certain. More certain than I've been of anything in a long while."
Sirius scrutinized her a bit longer. "Really ready or just feeling sorry for me?"
Kate shook her head. "This is too precious for pity; I love you and I want you."
Sirius kissed her again and stood, holding his hands out to her. Kate took them and he pulled her to her feet and wrapped his arms around her again. "You can change your mind, you know."
"Never."
He led her to the bed and waited while she made herself comfortable before joining her. Kate lay on her back and Sirius settled next to her on his side. He leaned down and kissed her deeply. Kate turned into him, tangling her fingers in his hair and holding him in place. Sirius broke the kiss and sighed when Kate placed light kisses along his jaw then bit his earlobe gently.
"Katie," he murmured, gently urging her onto her back and lying above her, Sirius kissed her throat, her neck and the soft, warm place where neck and shoulder joined. Kate wriggled beneath him; the feelings shot clear to her center and the effect was overwhelming. He lifted himself up, balancing on his arms. "I want this to be good for you, but – the first time – well, it can be …"
Kate reached up and pushed his hair away from his eyes. "I'm not naïve about the process, love; I love you and I'm not worried." Keeping his gaze, Kate brought her hands between them and slipped them under the bottom of his sweatshirt. He gasped as her hands smoothed upward over his stomach then brushed over his nipples, hard pebbles that proved quite sensitive to her touch. "Take this off," she whispered and he lifted himself up to his knees and pulled the sweatshirt over his head, tossing it on the floor. Kate smiled. "You're gorgeous."
He shook his head. "You are." He reached for the hem of her t-shirt and tugged upward. Kate smiled and mirrored his previous actions, then sat before him – a bit self-consciously. Sirius leaned down and kissed the side of her neck, then drifted downward to kiss the tops of her breasts where they rose over the satin cups of her bra. Kate shivered when he brushed the backs of his fingers over the soft fabric.
"May I?" he asked huskily and Kate nodded, closing her eyes as he reached behind her and unhooked the garment and slid it down her arms and off, dropping it on top of her t-shirt. Looking back at her, Sirius shook his head and swallowed audibly. "So beautiful," he breathed then met her eyes. "Lie back, love." Kate lay back against the pillows, pulling him with her.
They both gasped softly at the feeling of their skin touching. Sirius kissed Kate tenderly, then slid down until his face was level with her breasts. "Beautiful," he murmured again, then brought his lips to gently kiss first one dusky pink tip, then the other. As Kate sighed above him, Sirius began to make love to her in earnest, gently kissing then laving each nipple with his tongue until they hardened under his ministrations. When he began to softly suck each in turn, Kate's soft cries came more frequently and she began to shift her hips beneath him. As it had on the beach, Sirius' touch ignited a slow-burning flame deep within her and it was beginning to make her throb with the heat of it.
Sirius shifted slightly in an attempt to alleviate a bit of his own discomfort, however the resulting friction as his sweatpants rubbed against his sensitive erection did little to help. I want this to be good for her, he thought, even as he knew he would not be able to last as long as he would like. With a final kiss to each breast, Sirius pulled away, smiling softly at Kate's cry of protest. He dropped a kiss to her cheek. "It's ok, love; I'm not going anywhere. I just think that maybe we're wearing too many clothes, yeah?"
Kate bit her lip and nodded, her eyes dropping downward shyly. She blushed when she saw the tent that his arousal had created in the front of his sweatpants. Sirius leaned down and kissed her mouth, quietly thrilled to feel her tongue sweep across his lips. He groaned. "See what you do to me, Kate?"
"I want you," she whispered back to him, reaching up to tuck a lock of hair behind his ear. "Now."
They quickly divested themselves of the remainder of their clothing and Kate's eyes grew large as she saw Sirius' arousal. Curiously, she reached out and ran her hand from base to tip, jumping when he groaned loudly at her touch and caught her wrist to pull her hand away.
"I'm sorry," she whispered but Sirius lifted her hand and kissed the palm gently.
"Don't be. It's just that I want you so much and I know I'm not going to last long as it is," he explained, kissing her lips again as he settled on his side next to her. He trailed his fingers gently down her stomach, smiling when he saw the gooseflesh form in their wake. Kate caught her breath when he brushed over the dark auburn curls at the juncture of her thighs.
"Ok?" he asked, withdrawing his hand.
Kate nodded. "Please, I'm just…please."
Sirius kissed her again, while gently insinuating a finger between her folds. She gasped into his mouth when he found her nub and began circling it with his thumb. Kate drew his tongue into her mouth and began to suck on it in time with his movements and Sirius moaned at the sensation. He found her opening, slick with her own arousal and inserted one finger gently. It was Kate's turn to moan as he explored her and her hips began to shift rhythmically against the sheets when he added another finger a moment later.
So hot, he thought, closing his eyes for a moment. So wet. Sirius opened his eyes and trained them on Kate's face as he began to thrust his fingers in and out of her. His thumb quickened its pace and pressure against her nub and Kate's cries became louder. Suddenly, Sirius felt her clench around his fingers and she opened her eyes wide to look at his face.
"Sirius!"
"I love you, Katie," he whispered, moving between her legs and positioning himself at her entrance. He looked into her eyes, heavily lidded as she began descending from the peak. "Yes?"
She nodded, still feeling the aftershocks of her orgasm. She was dimly aware of him casting what she later realized was a contraceptive spell, kissing her gently afterward. A moment later, Kate sucked in a sharp breath as he entered her. She felt a sharp pain that quickly receded as Sirius held himself still above her to give her time to adjust to him. Kate looked at his face, his expression reflecting both his own deep need and his determination to hold back until she was ready for him to move.
Kate raised her hands to either side of his face and pulled him down to her. "This is what I've waited for and you feel so good." She kissed his lips gently. "Make love to me."
Sirius looked into her eyes and saw everything he had ever wanted: love, acceptance – her love, her acceptance. And even though he knew he always had it, there had been enough discord between them in the last year for him to know that he'd risked losing it. And that was one thing he vowed never to do again.
"I love you," he whispered and then pulled his hips back slightly and moved forward again, thrusting shallowly at first, trying to give her time to adjust to his movements.
Kate's hips rose to meet each thrust and she moaned softly into his ear. She brought her hand up to stroke the back of his head. "Faster," she whispered, knowing his need was as great or greater than her own.
Sirius lifted his face from her shoulder and looked into her eyes once more. He quickened his thrusts, knowing he was close, knowing that he needed the friction, the heat, the momentum that would carry him over the edge. He couldn't tear his gaze from those eyes and the love he saw in their depths. This is what it's meant to be like; this is what it means to make love to someone. He saw her lips move, I love you, Sirius and something inside him broke open and he began to cry. His orgasm hit hard then and they both cried out with the depth of it. His body spasmed again and again and he felt Kate tighten around him as she climaxed a second time.
When his body stilled, he buried his face in her neck, gasping softly as his tears began to slow. Sirius felt her stroking his hair as she worked to bring her own breathing under control.
Finally, he lifted his head and placed a lingering kiss on her lips.
"Are you ok?" she asked quietly, clearing the moisture from his cheeks before kissing the corner of his mouth.
He nodded. "I should be asking you that question, though."
Kate's smile was brilliant. "More than ok. It was wonderful. I'm so glad it was you; it could only ever have been you."
Sirius' eyes filled again. "I've never felt like that before – ever. Before, it was … but this - you … I don't even know what I'm saying. This is so right, Katie; we are right, yeah?"
Kate nodded, smiling softly. "You're doing fine and yeah, we are right." She kissed him gently. "I love you and I never felt that more strongly than when you made love to me."
Sirius kissed her forehead. "It was always sex before. I never knew what it meant to make love to someone until now."
Kate shivered suddenly and Sirius frowned. "Here, let me fix that." He gently slid away from her and grasped the comforter from the foot of the bed and pulled it toward them. He settled next to Kate, head propped up on one arm, his hand playing with a lock of her hair as he looked at her face. "What are you thinking about?"
Kate smiled again. "I was just thinking that perhaps tonight was the first time for both of us. It's a lovely thought, isn't it?"
Sirius returned her smile and lowered his head to her shoulder. "It is that." He kissed her shoulder drowsily, then smiled against it. "It could only ever have been you."
