I don't own Final Fantasy or any of its characters. Square Enix does.


Cloud can't find Kadaj and that is terrifying.

He was calm at first but then a day passed, then two, then three. The scientists come for them at all hours of the day but this is the first time that Kadaj has been gone for so long.

He has a bald patch by the fourth day. The stress was too much and so he just pulled.

By day five, he isn't sure he can survive much longer. His insides are crawling and every nerve is alight with fire. He needs Kadaj back. He needs to know the other boy is safe. It feels like his life depends on it. He wears holes in his socks and a path in the floor.

Woe to the monsters they give him on the sixth day. He tears them apart and a scientist too. The blood only makes him feel marginally better. He stops sleeping that night and instead buries his nose into Kadaj's sheets.

By the seventh day, he is feral – a snarling mass of worry and fear. No one dares come for him, that doesn't settle his soul. The solitude only magnifies Kadaj's absence. Cloud tears apart the room searching for traces of him. The guards are smart enough not to come near when he calls.

On the eighth day, when he is a chaos of scratches, theories, and wept over conclusions, the door slides open and Kadaj walks in like nothing had ever happened.

Except, he's covered in blood, a body shape of red and drying brown.

Too weak to stand, Cloud crawls the short distance to Kadaj and grabs the other child by the arms. Flakes of blood peel off and the feel of congealed body fluid is disgusting but Cloud holds his friend tight. He can feel the gore smearing onto his own face but it only makes him grip Kadaj tighter.

"It's okay." Cloud cries, but it's not and it will never be. Something inside him came loose and it will never go back into place now. He will always worry, will always be afraid now.

Kadaj just stares, his tear tracks the only clean spots on his face. Cloud tries to wipe the blood away because it's not right, it's not fair for it to be on Kadaj's face. The younger boy remains unmoving and the blankness in his face gives Cloud a sick feeling. He fights the urge to shake Kadaj just to see life, but he doesn't know if there are broken bones or bruises beneath his shirt.

"Did they hurt you?"

Of course they did, but Cloud is asking about a different kind of one he always checks for as they get older. He's heard of it from the scientists and the guards that like to talk. Kadaj looks so lost, so broken… Gaia, he hopes it's not true.

When Kadaj doesn't answer, Cloud rises to feet, kicking his tangle of sheets away and grabs Kadaj's face in his hands.

"Did they hurt you?"

His voice is shrill. It hurts even his ears. But he has to know. He has to make sure that it's not true.

He'll kill himself if it is and take every last Shinra bastard with him.

Kadaj raises his eyes, they are green but so empty, so terrifyingly empty.

"No."

Cloud sags, the tension leaving him slumped against Kadaj. The younger boy sways but holds them both steady under the weight of their awful world.

Cloud cries. He's been so worried, so crazy. Hearing Kadaj's heart beat, feeling his chest move up and down – he can't live without him. He won't live without him.

"Come," Cloud says once his tears have steady. There's too much blood. It doesn't suit Kadaj.

When the younger boy doesn't move, Cloud takes his hand and guides him into the bathroom they share. It's a box, hardly big enough to fit one but he manages to cram them both in. He starts the shower making sure it's the correct temperature before gently pushing Kadaj under.

The blood swirls down the drain in dreadful whirl of red and discolored water. Cloud checks to see if any of the red, is redder than red, to see if Kadaj suffered any injury. The other child is limp under his hands and doesn't even twitch when the blond begins to scrub at the gore,

It takes ages, long moments in which Cloud wants to cry again. Kadaj only moves when Cloud moves him. Something is wrong but Cloud is still grateful. At least, Kadaj is here to be moved.

He brings the other boy to his bed, dressed in a fresh set of Lab issued scrubs. Kadaj falls in with little coaxing and Cloud curls around him with an instinctive protectiveness. His inhales the scent of the other boy, the smell calming something primal within.

Pack.

Safe- yes. Cared for- yes. Whole- not, yet but maybe one day.

Cloud's eyes are nearly shut when the body next to him moves. It is only when the younger boy begins to pull at his white strands and howl that Cloud jolts into action.

"What's the matter?" he pleads when Kadaj won't stop.

They wrestle as Cloud manages to tear Kadaj's hands away from his hair. Kadaj howls and screams as though possessed and Cloud does his best to hold onto the younger boy's clawing hands. The shrieking seems to last for hours until suddenly it is gone and Kadaj throws off Cloud with a previously unknown strength.

The fall is hard, Cloud's teeth clink as he hits the floor and he is pretty sure his bones rattle. It hurts but not as much as seeing Kadaj curled on his side and clawing at his face.

"Kadaj, stop it."

But Kadaj doesn't listen.

Cloud tries again because he feels responsible for Kadaj. He is supposed to be his hero.

"Kadaj."

"Leave me alone."

The tone stings. It is cold and hateful like it was before the Labs, like it was before they became friends. Cloud swallows the lump that's developed in his throat. He doesn't know how to fix what's wrong but he wants to.

"Kadaj."

The name hangs in an awkward silence. One beat, two. Then, the occasional sniffle from Kadaj's weeping. And then a voice, thick and wretched.

"I killed someone today."

Cloud kills someone every so many days that it takes his brain a while to hear the distressed note in Kadaj's voice.

"And?"

There is a pause in Kadaj and then the other boy is facing Cloud. His eyes are red. He looks terrible, ill with abuse and ruined childhood. He hasn't been doing a very good job of taking care of Kadaj has he? Zack would be disappointed.

"Only bad people kill…"

He shrugs in answer to Kadaj's statement and remembers that they are little boys and that what Kadaj says is a thing that little boys believe. It's true he supposes but only for little boys who do not know Hojo.

"We can't help it. Hojo makes us do it."

Kadaj's body seems to relax at that. It's true and Cloud hopes Kadaj understands. He knows Kadaj thinks they are becoming monsters, but they aren't, not are only bad because Hojo makes them so. If they were back in Midgar, they'd be as good as little boys can be.

He crawls into bed, between Kadaj and the wall. The younger boy flops onto his back, tears still bleary but obviously in a calmer state.

"What was it like?" Cloud asks after a few deep breaths. "Killing someone, I mean…."

Cloud can hardly remember because it was so long ago and there are so many bodies stacked up in his mind.

Kadaj shudders at the question but meets Cloud's eyes. His gaze full of searching and trying to pull something from Cloud. His voice is hoarse the first time, but then he swallows and says it clearer.

"Awful."

There are no more words after that because Kadaj bursts into fresh tears, tears that don't seem to end. Cloud curls around him and Kadaj gladly accepts his protection and comfort. For moment, Cloud thinks to make a promise but he knows that they never keep. He gives truth instead because they are friends, brothers.

"It'll get easier."