This chapter contains gratuitous references to So I Married An Axe Murderer and Jack Kerouac. You've been warned.

When Chibis Attack! Part 51

Part 51: In Which There is Blatant Pandering

Enough excitement for one night. To bed!

"Well, after all that excitement, I guess we should do something to wind down before bed." Hakkai muses, handing Sanzo a compensatory sandwich.

What does he mean, 'before'?

"Yeah, it'd be too bad if we were too cuted-out to sleep." Gojyo agrees with Hakkai. Gojyo agreeing with anyone is a sign of bad things to come.


"But… it's been a long day. You guys must be tired." Try to steer the conversation… hopelessly.

"Nah." Goku is still applying bandages to injuries from his earlier Fan Smacking. "Nothing wakes me up like a good fight."

Suddenly, his eyes go unnaturally sparkly.

"I know! You could reebus ma fmory!" Gojyo helps Goku with his bandaging, applying one directly across his mouth.

"Don't push your luck, Monkey Boy!"

"Mrrf!"


Various alternatives to another night of 'The Little Kitten Who Could' are bandied about, and with a surprising lack of violence, they settle on a poetry reading. That is, Sanzo settles on a poetry reading. In fact, Sanzo is being unsettlingly helpful, and even explains the rules:

"We'll take turns to read Original Works. It'll be like Karaoke Night… which 'Someone' got us kicked out of." He thumbs dismissively in my direction. "Only without the music… because 'Someone' doesn't have a karaoke machine."

I think I'm not high on his list of favorite people right now.

And that's fine, if it saves me another night of narration.

If there's one thing I hate, it's narrating.


"I'll get the spotlight!" Goku skitters off into the front room. He pauses briefly when he notices that everyone is watching him.

"What? Good lighting's important!"

Apparently, so is a good line.

On the upside, I might not have to burn this place down. They might do it for me.


Sanzo goes first. Who thought that he wouldn't?

He puts on his reading glasses, and adjusts his beret.

"Kitten. Kih… tennn. Those whiskers are so classic, so… soft."

Try very hard to tune him out. This is what I get for not owning a functional television. If I had cable, they could have been entertained for hours arguing about which channel to watch.


The sound of rustling papers and droning voices has an undeniable affect on Hakkai. He keeps nodding forward, then starting upright.

"Uh, Hakkai? Are you alright?"

"Must… not… sleep!"

Kougaiji is reciting a poem about his favorite subject: me. Or possibly apples. Either way, sleeping through it might be a profound mercy, not unlike anesthesia is for dental surgery. Hakkai's reluctance is bizarre.

"Why not?"

"Because… now… is not… bedtime!"

Too cute.


Completely defeated, Hakkai falls forward to snore gently in my lap, just as Kougaiji comes to the end of his piece:

"Jane, get me offa dis cwazy fing… called 'Wuv'." He bows. "Fank you. Fank you berry mush."

"Show stealer." Mutters Sanzo. I feel his pain: It must be tough on a hero when his series' villain is better at being a good guy than he is.


Hakkai snoozes on, his bear, Mr. Bumbles, clutched tightly to his chest, while Gojyo climbs onto the stage. That stage is the top of my defunct television, and it wobbles a bit as he pulls out his paper. I feel a little sorry for Hakkai, missing his friend's performance.

Gojyo clears his throat, then begins:

"Oh. There. OncewasamanfromNantucket…"


Violence. Lots of Violence. Hakkai will be very glad he slept through it.

Sanzo delivers the final kick that sends Gojyo flying of the top of the TV, then pauses to pose:

"How's that for violence on television!"

Sanzo climbs down off the television, smug in the certainty that he has won this round of witty remarks. Kougaiji lowers Goku down from the lights on a string, then abruptly pauses and turns to face me.

He waves.

"Dat's all, folks!"

"Dammit!"

It's no good, Sanzo. It just doesn't get any cuter than that.


"Oh dear." Hakkai is sitting up on my lap, one-eyed Mr. Bumbles sitting up on his. "Is it over already?"

"Yeah. Did the noise wake you up?"

"I wake up whenever Gojyo needs First Aid. Force of Habit, I'm afraid."

Strange habits. They all have many strange habits. And I need another drink…


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Saccharine Cup News!

There's a new vote in, this time for Team Glitter Glue! Caligatio-Umbra sent a picture of Sanzo with Acute Hugosis, and also a Promotional Poster for the Saccharine Cup. It is incredibly cute.

Both are linked from my profile, and you really do need to see them… but not before you tell me what you think of Sanzo's beret!

Only two (I think) chapters left before the Saccharine Cup, and the teams are neck and neck! Get your votes in now! (Hakkai and Mr. Bumbles? Gojyo as the Hug Doctor? Kougaiji and the Video Flyer? The Bathroom Fig Tree?)

Next Time: It Begins.