Every time Toki shifted throughout the night, his eyes would open. Rosa visited again in the early morning with more pills, some insulin, and breakfast. Despite their goal of limiting his visits to the bathroom, Toki later cursed his terrible luck as his meals caught up.
Inability to sit and general weakness trembled his leg muscles and beaded sweat on his forehead. Thank fucking God he hadn't been conscious for the actual act, because this on its own offered a good idea of how it might have felt. Toki took for granted waking up in the morning and experiencing an average bowel movement. He couldn't unclench for reminder of what happened, or because his half-squat wasn't natural. Once it moved beyond the point of no return, what if everything reopened? What if a shot of pain preceded the presence of blood in the toilet? But he couldn't go however long without defecating. Realization of that instigated a panic attack bad enough to necessitate a wash cloth on his face. Giving up for now, he avoided looking at his reflection while preparing something as cold as possible to counteract clammy skin.
Yet again, death appealed. This wasn't fair. What did he ever do to deserve such horror? He'd rather die than face this again, he decided. Regardless, pressing nature to evacuate called for a second attempt. He didn't trust stool softeners to have reached his digestive tract in time.
Although difficult and lengthy, he finally managed. The nitroglycerin cream Rosa provided helped, but he still slumped to see bright red blood on the paper. Another dab of cream and a sitz bath later, and he could reclaim his bed. If only Rosa would leave. The woman knew too much already about his situation, and Toki didn't need her to see him cry at the end of it all.
"The first time is always the most challenging. You don't know what to expect, and you're in the worst condition. You did great though, sweetie." Rosa brushed his forehead with a new cloth, for comfort's sake.
"I'm never. . ." Toki sighed. "I just wants to forget that part of my body evens exist. I wish I nevers had to deal with it again."
"I know, but this isn't forever," she assured him. "So long as we keep on top of it, you'll be up and about relatively quickly."
How did the healing process differ from a slow and painful death? More than ever, Toki needed Skwisgaar. Not only could he offer a less impersonal touch, but he'd gone through something like this too. Toki struggled to summon details of the story relayed in Kennewick. At least Toki had some form of support system, as well as medical attention.
"I can'ts imagine how I's going to be Toki again," Toki whispered, with no one else to talk to. "I's never been so far away from myself. No one wants to calls me by my reals name, I's only worth as much as these peoples price me, and there's no parts of me that belong to me anymore."
"You've been through something highly traumatic. It's completely normal to dissociate afterward. Mr. Salazar won't let you suffer. He's got endless resources at his fingertips."
"I don'ts care about that. I can'ts have what I really want." It remained dubious that Toki would see Skwisgaar, let alone Mordhaus or even his mother again. He'd failed over the last few years to bond with her through written word, and he never regretted that more. He craved that sort of presence in his life, which fucked him over in the end. Raina monopolized completely on it, and maybe still did with Skwisgaar.
"I'm not entirely sure what his intention with you is," Rosa carefully worded, "but he isn't a bad man. Honestly, after dealing with Ms. Gallegos already, this should be a cakewalk. She's quite the piece of work."
"You don'ts got to tells me that," Toki darkly replied. "She's managed to ruins my entire life, ins less than a week. She tooks everything from me. My head's still spinnings."
"You got the better end of the deal, than Skwisgaar. Francisco runs drugs, mostly. Maybe there's still a degree of expendability of people, but not as much as in human trafficking."
Toki groaned. "I woulds give anything to switch him places, then. I don'ts even care if I gots—you know—if it mean he was spared."
"You want my advice?"
Toki opened his eyes.
"A little bit of selfishness might benefit you. Not that it's not noble, but you should be more concerned about your well-being. Even if Skwisgaar is stuck with that cunt, he's a big boy. He can handle himself, I'm sure."
Toki wasn't so sure, after everything he'd endured for the past couple days. As the rest of the house lulled into a collective siesta, Toki too struggled to keep his eyes open. Little else to do but become overly aware of his body and worry about Skwisgaar's future didn't motivate him to stay awake. However, in the gap before taking the final plunge, his bedroom door opened. He thought he dreamed it, but repetition of his name brought him back.
How should he feel, for Raùl to stand over him? The man's face paled, eyes wide and unblinking. He wiped sweat from his brow with a handkerchief. "Dios mío. What did they do, to you?"
Unwilling to speak, Toki gingerly rolled over to face the opposite wall. Raùl, not catching the hint, lowered himself into Rosa's chair. "Raina wouldn't tell me. No wonder."
"What's you doing here?"
"Hoo," Raùl sighed. "The reason I came is different from why I stay, now. I had no idea what happened to you on the plane. It looks like they beat you pretty badly."
"Look, I don'ts want your sympathies. Just spits it out and leave me alone."
"I was going to ask you a favour."
"Fucks off."
"We're both unhappy with how this turned out."
"Can'ts imagine why you would be. You still gets to kiss Raina's ass, so whatevers."
"She sanctioned my brother's death, yesterday."
"Sorry, don't sees how that's Toki's problem."
"Out in the courtyard. Francisco's men just. . .shot him."
"I's glad he's dead, then. Your brother was a fuckings pig. He deserved it."
"Hey, that's my brother you're talking about!"
"You thinks I gives a shit?" Toki snapped. "I gots nothing else to lose by tryings to spare your feelings. You wants to hit me for it, goes ahead. I'm sure there's a couples good bruises you could aims at. Would hurts pretty damn good. Maybes if you tries hard enough, I'll cries like a little bitch. Wouldn'ts that make you feel like some big shot?"
"No. . ."
"Did Raina never tells you just how bad it get for peoples what piss her off?"
"What're you talking about?"
"Use your imagination. What's the worst thing that could happen, when you leave five guys with someone unconscious?" Toki didn't care about secrecy; if Raina or whoever wanted him silent, they should've killed him, too. "They rapeds me, so don'ts you even fuckings dare ask for my help in some kinds of revenge scheme. I couldn'ts give two shits about your brother. He's a fuckings animal and he deserves to have his eyeballs eatens by birds in the desert. I hopes that they shits all over the insides of his guts. If Francisco didn'ts kill him, I woulds has done it myself. I can'ts fucking wait to gets my hands around that fucking bitch's neck. . ."
Silence lingered behind Toki, interrupted finally by a minute shift. "That's why I'm here for a different reason than I initially came for. I. . .I see now, why Francisco did it. Not that it eases the sting, him being family, and all. . ."
"Can you quits talking about him? Is making my skin crawl."
"How do you even know for sure he participated? I mean, maybe it was just the others."
"I's not going to pretend for your peace of mind that he's innocent. I gots the stitches to prove it. You saids it yourself, he beats you up when you was littles. He's a fuckings coward. Who sticks it in someone what can'ts even defend themselves, huh? He isn'ts no man. Fucks that."
"Well. . .I'm sorry."
"Wowie, thanks! I thinks everything magically stops hurting! Look, my bruises is goings away, and I sees now that this is all just a bigs misunderstanding!"
Another silence. "I'm trying to help you."
"Hows, exactly? All you's done so far is add insults to injury. Rub salts in my wounds. States what you want with Toki, or gets lost."
"Fine. I'll cut to the chase. Francisco killed my brother. I want him dead. Raina did this to you; you want her dead."
"So?"
"And frankly, after she handed Carlos over so easily, I wouldn't mind mixing her blood with the grass, so to speak."
"Oh, so you wants to teams up and takes them both out. I'm sures this has never beens thought of, before."
"So what, you're just going to lie there and give up? What're you going to do, when Raina finally gathers the balls to head back to America? Are you ready to say goodbye to Skwisgaar for good?" Raùl touched a sensitive nerve. "Do you trust her, after what she's done to you, to take adequate care of him? Guarantee, he'll be dead by the end of the year."
"I don't see what alternatives you's offering me. Evens if I could gets out of this bed, how's I going to finds her, puts her down, and get Skwis backs to the States?"
"With my help."
"And what the fucks do you know?"
"Raina trusts me."
"Wonders why? Here you are, plottings to kill her."
"Her business is questionable. We can agree on that. When I met her, she was only helping immigrants across the border, in order for them to find a better life. I was one of those, and wound up under her wing. I let it slide, when she realized how good the money was, selling people into slavery or as cheap labour. I even turned my cheek when the children started being led away by seedy, rich old men, because I wanted to believe that so long as I was comfortable and cared for, business was business and what happened afterward wasn't any of mine. But I love you guys. You're my favourite band and—beside that—I can't let her do this to someone, regardless of whether or not you're in Dethklok. This is disgusting. She's gone too far."
"I wonders if you'd be here, if your brother wasn't dead."
"You're right. Maybe if my brother didn't get killed, I wouldn't have been able to admit the truth to myself. It wouldn't have shocked me enough to question just what the hell I've been involved with, all these years. But just like Raina stood by while Francisco had those men shot, I've stood by while she's ruined hundreds, possibly thousands of lives."
"I don'ts get why I shoulds trust you."
"What do you have to lose, hah? Francisco expressly told her that their business was finished, with her debt settled."
"So how did you get in?"
"Just because they've cut financial ties doesn't mean they're out of each other's lives. Now that they don't have money to squabble over, they're getting along famously. She doesn't like to come over here alone, but she doesn't like me intruding either."
Toki scoffed. "He lets you just wanders freely around here?"
"Usually I mess around with one of the maids, but. . ."
"And what about Skwisgaar? Where is he?"
"Locked in his room, back at Raina's. Dino is minding the house."
Sick to his stomach, Toki tried not to envision some guy as lacking in morality growing bored enough to give Skwisgaar a run. "Ugh."
"See what I mean? Trust me—help me—and I'll get you out of here. You take care of Francisco, I'll take care of Raina. Then all three of us can be free."
"Ands where the hell are you going to go?"
"Dunno, hombre. But it's time I got back on track. I need to get back to Pilar and the kids."
"I'll admits you caught me at a weak point. I really don'ts care what happen to me. I coulds die tonight, and who gives a shit? I's more concerned about Skwisgaar, and evens if you're sentencings me to death with something I can't sees yet, I'll does anything to try and gets him out of here."
"That's the spirit." Raùl's elbows dug into his knee caps when Toki cautiously rolled back over to face him. Vastly aware of his pathetic state, embarrassment seeped in. "So, how long until you're better?"
"Rosa saids a week, or so. Depends how easy I takes it, I think."
"Well then, put all your energy toward healing." The man summoned a weak smile. "In the meantime, I'll keep an eye on Skwisgaar. Make sure he doesn't get himself in any trouble. Raina's treating him like the Number One Son, but he's scared. Do you want me to tell him about this?"
Toki chewed his bottom lip. "I don'ts want him unsettled, is the thing. Evens if he's not in a good place, is better that he believes everything going to work out for him. Raina is so quicks to smell out any sign you mights go against her. Speakings of which, I hopes you got that under wraps."
"Oh, don't worry about me, hombre. If you've been around someone long enough and gained their trust, you become invisible, in ways."
