I have still too many feels!
He trashes around, yanking her out of sleep, a whimper slipping over his lips and she reaches for the lamp, flicking the switch, her heart aching as she sees the pain written all over his face, feels the sweat soaked sheets.
"Killian?" She grabs his shoulder, shaking it softly. "Killian, wake up."
He shots up, his eyes wide, his chest heaving with ragged breaths, his gaze filled with anguish and it takes him a few seconds until he realizes where he is and he leans forward, rubbing his hand over his face, trying to chase the remnants of the nightmare away.
It has been the third this week and he still doesn't want to talk about it but she has enough. It doesn't only hurt him. She can't see him like this anymore. It's like a dagger to her heart when she looks in his blank eyes full of hopelessness and pain.
"Killian, talk to me." He stiffens, avoiding to look into her eyes. "Please. What are you dreaming of? Let me help you."
"It's ..."
"If you say nothing I'm gonna hit you." Emma interrupts him.
He lifts his head and shoots her a shaky smile, his voice still hoarse from sleep as he replies. "I'm not gonna get out of it this time, am I?"
"No." Emma says firmly, cupping his face between her hands. "I love you. Don't shut me out."
"Remember when I told you nothing happened in the year we were apart?"
"Of course I remember." Emma speaks softly. "You lied."
"Aye, I did." He agrees. "That's what the dreams are about. The year I spent in the Enchanted Forest."
"I do know you left the group only after a week and Neal came to you to tell you the plan of the Wicked Witch and to send you on your way to find me but that was a month before you came to New York." Emma elaborates. "Are you finally gonna tell me what happened in the eleven months before that?"
"Maybe it's time you know."
"Okay." Emma slips behind him and wraps her arms around him, his head lying on her shoulder as he starts to speak.
"I found the Jolly Roger after a month but another pirate had taken possession of it." He chuckles slightly. "That's actually a swashbuckling tale. It was Blackbeard."
"Really? How is he?"
"A sodding arse." Killian growls and Emma jerks in surprise upon hearing his harsh tone. "He is my father."
"He is what?" She pushes him forward and stares down at him, her mouth wide open.
"Long story, love. I'll tell you another time." He pushes his head into her shoulder and forces her back against the pillow before he continues to speak. "But he is not who I'm dreaming about."
"What are your dreams about then?" Emma asks softly, her hand threading through his thick black hair, caressing his neck.
"I ..." He inhales a deep breath, blowing it out softly. "I kept my promise, love. I thought of you every day and it was driving me nuts. You couldn't even remember me and I knew you were probably happy but ... I missed you so much, Swan."
"Killian, I'm ..."
"It wasn't your fault, Emma." He interjects. "But I lost you and I was already so in love with you that with each passing day the pain just got worse instead of being dulled by time. I tried to drink myself into oblivion, tried to exhaust myself during the day until I couldn't stand upright anymore but it didn't work. You came to me in my dreams every night. Gods, Emma. I dreamed of you every bloody night. Your lips on mine, your smile, your laugh, your voice and the memories were killing me."
He gulps hard, his fingers reaching for her hand and squeezing it tightly.
"I started to search for a way to get back to you right from the beginning. Finding the Jolly was always to get to you, not because she was my home for over three hundred years." He pauses for a second, his body going rigid before he adds. "It's I'm who is sorry, Emma. I would have ripped you out of your dream sooner if I had found a way back to you. Because I couldn't live without."
Emma scoots sideways until she can look down at him, her fingers skimming over his scruff as she says softly.
"I know I told you it was like waking up from a really good dream. But I was wrong because this here … you and me … this is reality and I don't have to fear to wake up because you came back to save me and I never thanked you for that."
"You don't have to thank me for it."
"I do. You never wavered. You never forgot me. You never stopped loving me and I will never be able to thank you for that."
"It was not an effort, Emma. I love you."
"I know." Emma leans forward, pressing her lips on his, whispering against his mouth. "I love you too and I can't live without you either."
