A/N- AWKWARD MOMENT OF THE WEEK AWARD. I was walking in the middle of the street and a guy was walking on the sidewalk towards me. I thought, "Hmm, I want to check this guy out, but I have to wait until I pass him in order to check him out so it's not weird." So I pass him, I turn around to check him out – and he's looking at me.
Reviewer of the Week:
mebeemmy: Okay, first of all, I'm jealous of this Shawty person, because all the rapper dudes are falling all over her.
Comment of the Week:
Adam Young: I cut the sleeves off my Snuggie. It made me look more fierce.
May 8th 2010
Days until I die: 23
Dear Diary,
So as I stood there contemplating my new existence as Han Solo, Max blinked before drawing an arm back. It looked as if she was about to punch him, but she let the arm drop.
"No," she said. "Jeb is my father."
You know, right about now I could probably sell the rights to my life to Fox or Bravo and make a hell of a lot of money from turning this into a soap opera.
David shook his head. "I know, I know, that's what I thought too. But – but…can we sit down and talk?"
Max nodded and stepped away from the door, allowing David to finally see me. "Fang!" he yelled, before enveloping me in another Care Bear hug. Dude. Are all Canadians this touchy? And do they all smell like…like moose and Sidney Crosby? Not that I've ever smelled Sidney Crosby before.
Waitaminute. If we go along with David and say that he's Max's Dad, that would mean-
Max is half-Canadian.
Woah.
Must…resist…hockey…jokes…
David released me, but he suddenly swore softly. "I completely forgot – how could I? Look, Max, Fang, I need you to get Iggy. We have to leave."
Max crossed her arms badassly. (Is that an adverb? It is now.) "If you think we're going to come with you, I'm afraid you're mistaken." I get that that was a serious line, Diary. But say it in a James Bond accent and you'll get into any party.
"Max. I understand that you don't trust adults. Neither do I. But when I tell you that this is the most important decision you'll ever make, I want you to realize that when you look back on your life, you'll be able to say you trusted me when it mattered the most."
"And what happens if I say no? Don't tell me, the universe is going to explode and zombies will eat my brains." Her arms were still crossed. But how could the universe explode, and then zombies take over? Are zombies able to self-create? That's a horrifying thought, almost as horrible as watching someone stripping off their pants and underwear because they were on fire (-cough- Iggy –cough-).
"If you say no, then Fang is going to die." David's Bambi eyes were perfect. "Please."
Max stared at him for a solid ten seconds, as if trying to see his soul, which is sort of freaky if you think about it. She uncrossed her arms. "Fine."
He let out a huge breath. "Thank you – thank you! Can you get Iggy?"
Max nodded before disappearing back into the basement. David and I were left standing there alone. "So," he said, and I winced at the inevitable small-talk, "This is awkward."
I couldn't help but laugh. I've sworn off liking adults, but… "I agree. So are you actually Max's Dad? Because she's already got one. And I failed Biology, but I like to think I know the basics…"
"Oh, right – Jeb. Well, I'm not sure how much I should say, since I don't share secrets if they're not mine to tell." Don't tell me this guy had a moral compass, too – that was just ridiculous. "But Jeb is not Max's father."
The way he said it was stilted, as if he was trying to get me to read between the lines. "Then who's her mother?"
"Oh, don't worry, it's Dr. M. That bitch be crazy."
And just like that, I was completely sold on liking David.
"So you and Dr. M… hooked up?" I made sure that the other question I wanted to ask was obvious.
"Look, I know it's crazy to think about, but she was once a really nice person." He stared at me. "Okay, look, I was drunk, alright? And it was one night that turned into something more." Sometimes honesty isn't always the best policy, because if there was one thing I didn't want to know, it was Dr. M's sex life. I also didn't want to know when the Rugs A Million sale was going to end, because that would symbolize the end of the world.
Luckily, Max, Iggy and Ella came up the stairs at that second. David grinned when he saw Iggy, but he cocked an eyebrow at Ella. "I'm David," he said, stretching out a hand to her.
"Um, I'm Ella." Ella tentatively returned the gesture. At David's confused gaze, she continued, "Max's sister."
"Dr. M had another kid?" David's eyes were wide. "How the hell did she get another guy to-"
"I have no idea," I cut in, not wanting to have this conversation right now. It's like when you're chatting with your friends and someone starts talking about last night's episode of Lost and spoils it for everyone; it just sucks all around. "Can we go?"
"Do we have to? I was having a good time. Well, we were only there for like, ten seconds, but those were ten good seconds. And we got invited to Kate's party, too," Iggy said. He and Ella were holding hands, and my own hand twitched towards Max's. Aww.
"Who's Kate?" I asked. I desperately hoped that Kate was a fifteen-year-old honour-roll student who volunteered with sick animals in her spare time, but I doubted it.
"Never mind."
I guess sometimes its best not to ask. I once asked why there was a penguin in the kitchen and that was just a huge mistake that involved the government of Argentina and some guy named Pablos.
"Wait, you're David, right? The guy from Niagara Falls. There's only one way to tell if we can trust you." Iggy's voice was mock-serious, and mentally, I braced myself.
"Go for it." David was edging towards the door, which was an obvious hint to get going, but he still looked right at Iggy when he was answering him.
"If you could be any Pokémon, what would you be?"
"Pikachu, because I want to peak-at-chu."
Iggy was stunned, and the only other time that happened was when he managed to not die after eating pure cobalt. "No way. You actually answered it with a sex joke. Bravo, good sir, I applaud you." Iggy clapped a hand on David's back. "Let's get going, then."
"Excellent." David opened the door and ushered us outside, where we got into… a minivan. I was honestly expecting the Batmobile or at least a stalker van. But a minivan? Really? Next thing you know David will be bringing us to soccer practice.
"Where exactly are we going? If you say Hawaii I will love you forever," Max said from the passenger's seat. I was squashed between Ella and Iggy in the back, which was way weird because their hormones were dripping over me.
"We're going to Death Valley. Itex, actually. I'm friends with Nathan, the guy who you've been in contact with. We were buddies in college."
Man, that's just crazy; what are the chances? It's a small world. But if I ever have to see Mary and Sue again, those blonde twins, then I will shoot someone (probably them).
"It's always Death Valley," Iggy muttered. "It's a shame we can't rack up frequent flyer points."
Although everyone had a million questions to ask (i.e. SINCE WHEN IS JEB NOT MAX'S FATHER – please tell me he's not a pedo in disguise. That would explain a lot, but please), no one spoke for the rest of the trip back to the house.
David pulled up into the driveway. Once he'd turned off the ignition, he turned to face us, but his seat belt jammed at the sudden movement and he nearly choked himself. Smooth. That's something I'd expect me to do.
He grinned sheepishly and undid the belt. "There's no other car here, so Jeb and Erika must be out." That was strange, but I didn't comment. Well, first it was strange that they were out, but it was also weird that David knew my Mom was here. Coincidence? I think not. "We should leave fast – I'd say in and out in five minutes."
"The kids are already getting ready," Max said, sliding out of the car. Ah, right, Angel. You know, Angel is probably the most effective instant messenger service out there.
By the time we got in the house, Nudge, Gazzy and Angel had already packed their backpacks and were waiting in the kitchen. They were passing the time by taking a cotton ball, covering it in Vaseline, and watching it slowly burn in a bowl. Fire safety was never our forte.
It only took two minutes for the rest of us to get ready. But the hardest part was when Iggy had to decide between taking a pound of (raw) Bacon and a First-Aid kid. He chose the Bacon.
"Ella, I doubt you want to come," I heard David say as I walked down the hallway. When would I see this place again? Ever? I'd packed for three months…even thought I'm supposed to die in twenty-three days. That's what they call "foolish thinking".
"I know," Ella said, looking down. "You guys live in a completely different world from me. Like, if I'm peanut butter, then you're jam, even though peanut butter and jam are best when they're together. But that's okay, as long as you promise to come back." Weird analogy, but whatever, girls in love are strange.
"Of course we will," Iggy said, and without warning, clasped his mouth to hers. PDA, much?
My eyes instantly flickered to Nudge, but she just smiled softly. I was proud of her for taking it so well. I told myself that as soon as we had the chance, I was going to make sure to jam to Single Ladies with her. Not that I'm a single lady, of course, but- I'll just stop now.
"We're ready?" David said. Once we all nodded, he headed for the door. "We should be back within a few days. Ella, tell Jeb and Erika that the Flock decided to leave, but don't mention Death Valley or me, 'kay?"
That's not inconspicuous at all.
Ella nodded with tears in her eyes, and even Iggy was having trouble from keeping his eyes from being moisturized (remember: men don't cry). Pssh. This was too much emotion! We needed meat or chainsaws to man this scene up.
"Let's move out," David said, and I totally felt like I was an Autobot following Optimus Prime out the door. We all piled into the minivan, which unfortunately took away from the hardcoreness.
And the second we got in the van, Jeb and Mom pulled up in their Buick right beside us. When they saw us all in the car, their jaws dropped.
This was so going to turn into a showdown.
"Damn. I thought we could've saved this for later," David said. He undid his seat belt. "Sorry guys, we're going to have to get out and explain what's up." He quickly got out of the car, and the rest of us followed out onto the driveway.
"Who the hell are you?" Jeb asked. I was waiting for someone to pull a gun and make this a lot more exciting. "Where are you taking them?"
"My name's David Carter." He outstretched his hand yet again – this guy really liked handshakes. Jeb warily returned it but didn't smile back, like David was. "It's nice to meet you, Jeb. I'm Max's father."
Jeb actually laughed. "What?"
David nodded his head towards the house. "I think it would be best if I explained in there."
Jeb nodded slowly. "I think that would be a good idea." He wrapped a hand around Mom (GET YER HANDS OFF OF HER). "I think everyone's confused."
"That's like saying England is just slightly awesome," Max muttered from beside me. Jeb, David, and Mom went into the house and the Flock quickly followed. We were left alone on the driveway, with only the moon to keep us company. (Did you see that imagery, Diary?)
She moved towards the house, but I grabbed her arm. "Max," I said softly. "Whoever your father is, it doesn't matter. Just remember that it's not your family that defines you; it's you."
"Thank you Fang," she whispered. "But your Mother doesn't belong on that Bitch Hunter show." She plucked my fingers off her arm.
By the time we got inside, everyone was either sitting at the kitchen table or perched on the back of the couch that bordered the kitchen. Max dropped into the only empty chair, while I sat on the counter and leaned my elbows onto my knees, which effectively made me look awesome.
"Can someone please tell me who my father is?" Max asked, starting things off. Max wasn't one for small talk about the weather and politics. (Speaking of politics, I hereby believe that anyone who wants to run for power shouldn't be allowed to. Assuming I live until I'm old enough, I'm voting for the President who a) doesn't want to be President or b) Gives free cookies and massages.)
"I am," both Jeb and David said, causing Mom to sigh. Jeb coughed. "Max, of course I'm your father. Fifteen years ago-"
"I really don't want to know this," Max groaned. Her face was contorted like the time she found out what Madonna's "Like a Prayer" was really about.
Jeb had no mercy. He folded his hands on the table and looked right at her. Mentally, I rolled my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to OD on Doritos and play COD. "Fifteen years ago, your mother and I were in a relationship, and you were born. No big deal."
"So then how did I end up Itex?" Max asked softly. "I thought I was a test-tube baby."
Ooooh. I knew the question had always burned at Max, but she'd never wanted to ask. It's sort of like asking your parents how you were conceived; it was just weird for everyone.
Jeb didn't look at her. "No. You were born human. But the day you were born, at the hospital, you went missing. You should have seen your mother; she went crazy. Three nurses and a doctor were fired. Only later did I learn that Itex had taken you as an experiment, so I applied for a job at Itex to be close to you. I spent years gaining Itex's trust, once I had enough power to be respected and trusted, I broke you guys out of there."
"Itex didn't know you were my father?" Max asked, and Jeb shook his head. "Wow. Just…wow. So you were trying to be close to be the whole time. But – David…"
David didn't look at Max, but at Jeb. "Did you ever have a paternity test done?"
Jeb shook his head. "Of course not. We were in a relationship together. Wait. You're implying that-"
IT'S A SOAP OPERA, DIARY. I so called this.
David took a deep breath. "She was sleeping with both of us. I was working in Canada; she would come up occasionally because there was a nearby vet clinic, and she wanted to see how a difficult procedure was done in a different country. We met at a fundraiser. I have the paternity test in my car."
"Get it." Jeb was clenching the table. "Go."
David didn't need to hear it twice. When he was gone, Jeb put his head on the table, and my Mom rubbed his back. What was with those two?
David came back with a file. He threw it in front of Jeb. "I got Max's DNA from the chair she sat in when she came up to Niagara Falls. That boardroom hadn't been used since then, since there had been electricity issues. I got a phone call saying to take the DNA on the chair and to do a paternity test with it. I got the results two days ago."
"A mysterious phone call?" Iggy asked. "Classic."
"It was Val. I haven't heard her voice in fifteen years, but it was hers. For some reason, she wanted me to know that Max was my daughter, and not yours." David pushed his chair back. "I'm sorry, Jeb. I really am."
"Do you think that's why she sent us to Niagara Falls, then?" Max asked. She was taking it well. As in, she hadn't killed anyone yet, so that was nice. "So that you would be able to get my DNA? And she could try and kill us, too?"
But that was a scary thought, because that meant Dr. M was smarter than any of us thought. That meant she was playing us all along. It would mean that during this whole year, Dr. M has been controlling us and knowing what our future moves would be. Freaky.
Jeb opened the file, where there was a stack of complicated-looking sheets. We didn't talk as he spent about two minutes going over the highlighted information.
And without warning, he shoved his chair back, launched over the table, and tackled David to the ground. Part of me wanted to shoved Jeb off, and another part internally chanted, "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
Everyone lurched forwards, but David called out from above all the noise, "Wait!" Jeb was straddling him and holding him by the neck.
"You took my daughter away from me, you bastard," Jeb nearly spat. "I have nothing, and you're taking one of the few things I had left." There were tears in his eyes, and I was humiliated on his behalf.
"I didn't know." David's voice was shaking from the lack of oxygen. Jeb relaxed his grip slightly. "I'm going to go to Itex to talk to the head of Max's project. His name's Nathan. He used to be friends in college."
"Nathan's not the head of Max's project; he didn't work anywhere near Research and Development," Jeb said. "I should know, I worked there. He was a paper-pusher who looked after numbers."
David shook his head. "He told me that he always had to keep his real job a secret, since he said it was "less-than-legal". We were really close; he once said I was his only friend. So I'm going to go to him, because he owes me a favour, and I need to fix what I made wrong. I know how to save Fang's life."
"Woah, wait a second," I said, holding up my hands. "How do you know my life even needs saving?" It wasn't exactly common knowledge that was in the newspapers. The only time I've been in the newspaper was when I was a wanted criminal, which wasn't my finiest moment.
"I told you," David said. "Nathan told me everything. He assumed that because I was living in a different country, anything he told me would never come back to haunt him."
"I can't believe this," Jeb said. Using the table as leverage, he stood up over David. "Just go. Please. Go before I do something stupid. Go to Nathan and get answers."
Well, he had already done something stupid, but I wasn't going to say that. David stood up and righted the chair that Jeb had knocked over in his fit. "We shouldn't be too long. Just a few days."
"Just go."
And with one wistful look at my Mom – if I was female I'd say we needed to have a heart-to-heart conversation – we were rushed out the door.
A minute later David had pulled out (if you make a that's-what-she-said joke, Diary, I will tear out all of your pages and set fire to them and scatter the ashes above Marianas Trench, which is the deepest part of the ocean in the word) and we were roaring down the street.
"So. That was intense," Nudge said, oblivious to the fact that Max was definitely having trouble keeping herself together. "I was expecting a voice-over guy announcing what was going to happen on next week's episode."
"You know what we should do to pass the time?" Iggy asked, completely ignoring Nudge's comment. Everyone in the car moaned. Iggy ignored them. "99 bottles of beer on the wall. With German accents."
"I volunteer to kill him now," Gazzy muttered, his head leaning on the window. Luckily, Iggy's comment had diffused most of the tension in the car. We pulled onto the highway, which we would be on for the next few hours. Luckily, since it was night, traffic was light. (That rhyme was unintentional, I swear. I'm not that talented.)
"Fine. We can discuss the pros and cons of offshore drilling for all I care." Iggy crossed his arms. "Can't we at least debate whether banana hammocks or Kesha has done the most damage to modern-day society?"
"Banana hammocks," everyone said at once, but Max said, "Kesha."
"So you like banana hammocks, Max?" Iggy said, causing everyone to snicker. "…Or maybe just a certain Flock member in a banana hammock?"
AW HELL NO.
If Max could have had laser vision, then Iggy would be a smouldering pile of clothes. Luckily for him, she didn't, and she was content with flipping him off, even if he couldn't see it.
The rest of the trip was spent in silence, since we all fell asleep. By the time I woke up around dawn, we were already in Nevada, judging from the no-man's-land terrain that was barer than Captain Jean-Luc's head.
And that's where I'm going to leave you, Diary, since I spent a lot of the night writing in you and relaying all of the crazy stuff we learned tonight.
So Jeb isn't Max's father. David is. That's just messed.
The next thing you know, a pizza man is my father and Lady Gaga is my mother. That would be weird but kind of cool.
I'm still confused, though, and I have a million questions, but everyone's asleep (Well, not David, since he's driving and if he was asleep I would be worrying about other things right now) so I can't ask. What does Nathan have to do with this? Why did Dr. M want David to know that Max was his daughter? How did David know we were at Lissa and Sam's party? Why do we buy a "pair of jeans" when we only buy one?
Questions, questions.
-Fang
A/N2- If you could be any Pokémon, which one would you be?
