Chapter Forty Nine:

He found her standing in the break room watching the news report of the killings and Marlon Frost's confession. He knew the case had taken a toll on her although she refused to admit it.

"I held his hand." She said as she looked at Grissom letting him see the tears on her cheeks.

"Just like I held hers. I lost perspective….I lost perspective with this case, with…"

Grissom wiped the tear off her cheek, "Don't…don't this to yourself honey…let's go home…we're both tired."

They sat in bed that night each reading a book. She laid the book down on the bedside table and turned toward him.

"Kammie had a child...she gave it up for adoption." She watched for his reaction.

He looked over his glasses at her. "I see…explains why we didn't see any photos of any children."

"She had one in her wallet. The adoptive parents would send her a photo each year of the little girl. I located the father to let him know about Kammie."

He was silent.

"Kammie tried to tell me something about the little girl before she died…maybe she was trying to say goodbye."

He rolled over so that he was facing her. "It was good that you were with her."

"The guy, Corey Archfield seemed to have regrets about giving up his child…I wonder if Cammie did?"

"Would you? If you gave up this child?"

She was quiet for a moment. "The adoptive parents sound really nice…the little girl is living with a loving family…"

"Sara?"

"I'm not sure. Part of me says I don't think I could love anything that was a part of him but then I look at those babies in the nursery…" he felt her tense and then gasping for air.

"Sara!" He was sitting up now grabbing her hand.

"I felt the baby move…I really felt him move…not just a flutter but…" she said excitedly as she stared at his blue eyes that twinkled with his grin.

She got up from the bed, grabbing at her robe and then headed to the bathroom shutting the door behind her.

He sat there disappointed in her reaction.

It could be ours…

She should be happy that…

"Sara?" he called.

He tapped gently on the door before opening it to find her sitting on the edge of the bathtub, head in hands as she covered her mouth to stifle the sobs.

"Sara?"

"I…don't know how to feel about this…I want to be happy …it could be ours and then… what if I get my hopes up and then it's not and…. I give it away…. how are you going to feel…I haven't even thought about how you feel…I'm sorry Grissom. I've been so selfish…"

"Let's have a drink….some juice or milk…I could make you some tea…"

"Griss?"

"Yeah?"

"It's the best feeling I've ever had…that's why it hurts so much."

He held her letting her cry on his shoulder and then pulled her into the kitchen for a glass of milk. They sat quietly at the table holding hands.

"Peggy says…"

"You like her alot don't you?"

"Yes, I do. She doesn't ask me a lot of questions about the pregnancy."

"Does she know that you're considering adoption?"

"I think she suspects it but I haven't discussed it with her."

"I see. Do you think she could give me some pointers on handling a newborn?" he asked.

"I could. You could come by one day and I could show you."

He smiled.

He knew that she was tied up on a case and would not be coming by the hospital for several hours but he did not mind. He saw the last minute case as a means of talking with Peggy. He stood outside the door and waited until she had finished with one of the babies before making his presence known. She turned and smiled at him.

"You're Sara's husband…she hasn't arrived yet."

"I kind of knew that but I was wondering if I could have a moment to talk with you."

"Only if you help," she said as she handed him a baby. She chuckled when she saw the fear in his eyes. She sat him down in the rocker, adjusting the baby in his arms while Peggy held another one.

"Now that we have our hands full, we can talk," she said.

"Sara has talked a lot about what you do…adoptions. She's…"

"Thinking about placing her baby for adoption," she said eyeing him.

"Yes. But…"

"You don't want her to do that. Right?"

"Yes."

"Mr. Grissom. I recognized Sara the moment I ran into her. Her face was plastered over the news for so many weeks. I think everyone assumed she was dead and then by some miracle she was found alive…It's his…isn't it?"

"We're not sure. Sara wants a paternity test when the baby is born."

"So…in the mean time she doesn't know how to feel."

"No…she doesn't."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Sara is afraid that if she kept the baby, he would remind her of him…she's also afraid he would turn out to be like his father…"

"That's rubbish. I've told her…"

"So have I but she's…"

"I can understand her fear. I think I can help."

He smiled. "Could you also show me how to…"

"Yes, I think he needs to be changed also."

She hurried around the corner to stand there in front of the partition but stopped to watch him hold his nose while he changed the diaper. She grinned. Once the task was completed, she came to stand in the doorway.

"You'll appreciate decomps after a newborn's diaper," she said.

He grinned. "I thought I had been stood up."

"Looks like Peggy filled in for me," she said as she came to stand beside him looking at the baby.

"Yes, she did. I've learned how to swaddle, hold, rock, change and burp."

"You've been busy."

"Dinner interest you?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm starving."

"Good."

She must be feeling better…

He sat across from her watching her clean her plate.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

"The nausea has been nonexistent today. I've managed to hold down lunch and a snack…Greg picked up some fruit smoothies on our way out to the sight. They were wonderful."

"I'm glad you're feeling better. Any…more movements?"

She smiled. "When I hum, he moves…it actually tickles a little."

"I never knew you to be the ticklish type," he said leaning back in the chair.

"I'm not…I wasn't until now," she said.

"I really liked helping Peggy today. She's a good teacher."

"You think she's the same age as Jim?"

"I think she's too good for him."

"Oh, I wasn't…"

"Yes, you were."

"Grissom?"

"Yes Grissom?"

She grinned but then she looked at him solemnly, "do you want to keep the baby?"

"I want you to be happy…I'm afraid that if you give the baby away, you'll have regrets."

"But do you want to keep the baby?"

"Yes, I do."

"Would you hate me I gave it away?"

"I would never hate you no matter what you did."

"I met an adoptive couple today. They're young…they can't have any children of their own. They seemed really nice. They are even open to the idea of having contact with the birth parents…"

"Could you do that? Have contact with them knowing that you have no say in how they rear your child?"

"I could see him….know he's okay…know he's loved."

"You could do all those things."

She glanced at him, "I'm not sure I could love him if he's not yours…I would be afraid that every time I looked at him I would see Vincent and what he did to me…"

"But yet you still want to see him…know he's okay…know he's loved."

She slid out of the seat and he knew that by her demeanor he had crossed the line once more. He quickly paid and then hurried out to catch up with her. He reached her just as she made it to the vehicle.

"Sara…"

"I'm really tired and just want to go home," she whispered. They drove home in silence. He glanced at her every now and then but she kept her face toward the window. Once they were home, she retired to the bedroom, throwing off her clothes and slipping into the tub for a soak while He let Bruno out into the back yard. He came to sit on the edge of the tub.

"I didn't mean to upset you," he said softly.

"You didn't. I'm upset at myself. I don't know what I want."

He stared at the growing bulge.

I'm worried about you….

About him…

I'm not sure I can let you give him up…

Are you going to hate me if I try to stop you?

Thank God you haven't asked me that…

"Gil?"

Her use of his first name startled him, "Yes"

"If I decide to place him for adoption, will you try to stop me?

Note from author:

I can hardly stand the angst here… the reviews are better than the story…for me. I love to hear from you. I promise I will let you know when we are getting to the last ten chapters….we are not there yet. By the way, I started another story….yes just shoot me. I have about seventy pages written so far. It's different…I'll let you know when I'm ready to post. I may hang on to this one until it is fully completed but you know me…

Take care!

Penny