Don't really know what to say about this chapter other than its Daryl-centered. More kickass song lyrics? I don't know - just read it XD
Smittendebs and HermionandMarcus: *Insert normal phrase here* ;)
jouetdedestin: Don't know about you, but my first kiss was awkward too. Kinda how I wanted it ;)
wickedclownsmile: Yay, so glad your still hanging on! Things are starting to wind down now, so don't worry, Daryl WILL be back next chapter and the next chapter WILL mark the end of the Hell Chapters. And yeah, I know, I think I gave myself cancer writing all that fluff between Ethan and Wren :)
HaloHunter89: Don't worry, he will. Major big time too LOL. I also do plan on having Ethan ask Daryl but I'm not sure when that's gonna come about yet, so I'm working on that. And I did want to portray that Tessa did realize what she said was wrong and most importantly I wanted to show that they both are suffering - Daryl you see in this chapter. But like I said above, Daryl WILL come back the next chapter and a lot more things are going to resolved when he does - as well a pretty fantabulous lemon too LOL. Glad you got cancer too from the Wren and Ethan fluff ;)
- Nagiana
"Well, the hurt you leave behind
It's the hurt that's on your mind
Oh, and last night's show took its toll on me
Well the city lights fly by me
As I lay my body in my bed
Oh, and dreams of you dance through my head
It's a highway song
You sing it on and on
On and on
Highway song
Is as lonely
As the road I'm on . . ."
- "Highway Song" by Blackfoot
"Don' ya dare cop that attitude with me, boy!"
"Well if ya didn' fuckin' drink tha whole damn day and didn' end up showin' ya ass -!"
"Ya little piece of shit! I swear ta God, if ya weren' ma own -!"
"Jus' shut tha fuck up, old man, 'cause tha' didn' stop ya while I was growin' up!"
"Goddamnit, Daryl, I swear ta God I'm gonna kick ya ass -!"
"Daryl, what's wrong?"
"Nothin', babydoll, jus' the old man feelin' his liquor again tonight . . ."
"Here let me help you get him into the house . . ."
"Goddamnit, Daryl, I said let go of me -!"
CRACK
"Holy shit, Tess, I'm so sorry -!"
"You sonofabitch!"
"No, Daryl baby, it was an accident, there's no need to get pissed -!"
"She didn' move! Used ta ya momma – she knew when ta move . . ."
"Ya fucker -!"
"DARYL, STOP!"
TWACK
"Oh my God, Daryl . . . what have you done . . .?"
The dream haunted him, as did thoughts of her and their kids. They had been walking for a good day and so far, while Merle seemed to chatter incessantly on about shit that didn't matter, hardly anything else had occupied Daryl's thoughts. He wanted to say he was angry – beyond pissed at her for pushing him away, but he felt . . . nothing. He was as empty as a clay man and while he had no doubt in his mind he would be pissed off as all Hell if he was back at the prison, and that was the thing - he wasn't at the prison. At the prison he would have been around her – he would have been around Ethan and the twins and he could have been as blissfully angry as he wanted to be at her then because he still would have been around her. He still would have been able to keep a watchful eye over her unlike now. Now, all he could do was hope and pray that she and the kids were still safe.
He especially prayed.
"There ain' nothin' out here but mosquitoes and ants," He spoke, hoping like Hell that him speaking would possibly get his mind off of Tessa but once again, he was disappointingly proven wrong. Her image still hung in his head like a picture that stubbornly refused to fade and her voice and laughter hung in his ears like bad song lyrics, except they weren't bad song lyrics.
Jesus Christ, listen to him. He was starting to become one of those men in those horribly cheesy romance novels that his mother and the occasional girl he had a fling with, used to read. He used to abhor them – call them anything but men, but if this was how their hurt felt whenever they were separated from their woman, then he supposed he didn't have any room to talk.
"Patience, little brother . . ." Merle spoke from his spot taking a piss on a nearby tree and Daryl gritted his teeth, finding that his brother's voice was really starting to grate on his nerves. He didn't know why he was with Merle, truthfully. Every time his mind did manage to wander off from Tessa and/or the kids, it became occupied with increasingly grisly, extremely bloody and painful deaths that he could do to Merle. In fact, his mind kept asking him why he hadn't killed the fucker yet. He had promised Tessa he would and while he kept answering back that it was because Merle - despite everything - was still family and it was harder to kill family than he had thought (although his father had been remarkably easy), he found the argument holding less and less water the more he used it.
Now he found himself saying that he wasn't close enough to Tessa to deliver on his promise of bringing her his head on a silver platter.
Not-to-mention, he didn't have a silver platter, either.
Damn.
"Sooner or later a squirrel's bound to scurry across your path." He continued on and Daryl wanted to snap back something having to do with how long it was taking him to piss compared to the days before the whole world went to shit, but bit back his tongue in favor of a more leveled, diplomatic answer.
"Even so, that ain' much food – not for the both of us."
Not nearly enough. One squirrel could barely feed him, let alone Merle. It took about ten to feed him, Tessa and Ethan and – oh God – a helluva lot more to feed the whole group! How had he ever managed to find enough for so long?
Oh yeah, he had Ethan . . .
Damn.
Again.
"It's more than nothin'." Merle answered, his back to him and Daryl was really starting to entertain saying that comment he thought about earlier, just to see how much it would liven things up a bit, but stopped when his mind stumbled on something.
"Ya know, I'd have better lick goin' through one of them houses we passed back on the turnoff."
"Is tha' what ya new friends taught ya . . . hmm?" He asked as he finally finished his business and righted himself before returning to his brother. He saw the look in Daryl's eyes when he joined him – the look of longing and sorrow and his lips pursed a little as he slapped a hand on his shoulder. Daryl jumped slightly and turned to face him, his face and eyes hardening slightly as he took in his brother's visage.
Wasn't exactly the prettiest thing on the face of the planet to get stuck with after Tess, he had to admit.
Tess . . .
He forced himself to tear his eyes away then as he descended into another pit of longing and Merle laughed. "How to, uh . . . loot for booty, so-to-speak?" He continued, giving a chuckle at his own "wit" and Daryl deigned not to answer him. He found himself drifting away a little bit and could have sworn he smelled the scent of gardenias that resolutely clung to every strand of her blue-black hair before shaking his head and looking away, reluctantly dragging himself out of the memories that he wanted so desperately to immerse himself in.
"We've been at it for hours, tha's all," He spoke, his voice quiet. "Why don' we find a stream – try to look for some fish or somethin'?"
"I think ya jus' tryin' to lead me back to the road, man," Merle replied then and continued on when Daryl didn't answer him again. "Ya know . . . get me over to tha prison."
"They got shelter . . . food and a pot to piss in – might not be a bad idea."
"It's also got Tess, too, don' it . . .?"
Merle laughed after he spoke and turned an amused gaze onto him when his brother simply ignored him. "Goddamn little brother, tha squaw's got ya all twisted up every which way, don' she? Hell, ya look every inch like our old man after he got himself some tail after months of dry-rubbin' it. Sick, puppy-love . . . is her gash really that much sweeter than I remember it bein'?"
The words snapped Daryl out of whatever daze he had willingly immersed himself in, and he seemed to level his indomitable older brother with a look of spitting fury. Before he could move – before he could make any kind of jump towards him, Merle quickly changed the subject. "For ya there will be, maybe. There ain' gonna be no damn party for me, though. There ain' gonna be no beautiful woman anxious to be fallin' into a bed with me and there ain' gonna be no damn parade of rugrats tha's gonna be rushin' me screamin' 'daddy'!"
"The twins ain' old enough for tha' and Ethan's too old for tha'." Daryl corrected him quietly and Merle snorted and rolled his eyes. He stood there and watched – watched – as his brother faded away into obscurity again. He watched as his eyes adopted that foggy gleam that told him he wasn't entirely there with him and Merle felt himself want to vomit up his scant breakfast at the sight. That was the reason he had never settled down and jerked out a few youngin's of his own like Daryl had done. He didn't want anything to own him – to shackle him - not like Tessa and their squalling brats had done to Daryl.
"They're all dead," He spoke, his voice quiet, and those words alone seemed to yank his baby brother out of the murk and the fog again. Daryl turned a much more alert gaze onto him – an almost defiant gaze. "So ya see? It makes no difference."
"What makes ya ass so sure?" He demanded and Merle shrugged.
"Right now, he's prolly hostin' a housewarmin' party where he's gonna bury what's left of ya pals," He gave another shrug then. "But Tess . . . Tess is pretty – damn near gorgeous, I think ya'd allow me to say. He prolly kept her . . . try to indoctrinate her best he could – maybe even drag Blondie in there to try and help – to make her see tha' for her sake and the sake of her children, it'd be best if she jus' accepted her new role in tha world. Hell, if all hope failed, then he'd jus' lock her up and bring her out only for special occasions – occasions where he wanted to make an example of someone or to . . . reward someone . . ." He trailed off then, allowing the words to sink in and when he saw Daryl tense slightly at his words, he continued. "Ethan – tha' thirteen-year-old boy of ya's – he's too grown up to be taught to be oblivious, but he's loyal to his mother. He'd try to use that against him – against the both of 'em. If tha' didn' work, he'd prolly kill him and tell her he died in the middle of somethin' and if she didn' believe him, then too bad – she wouldn' be in a position to protest. As for tha twins . . . those newborn babies of ya's?"
"What 'bout 'em?"
Merle almost recoiled at the note of alarm in Daryl's voice when he mentioned the twins and found himself almost sputtering when he spoke again. "They're young enough to where they won' remember anythin' – the prison, the group – who their mother and father are. They'd prolly be taken and handed off to some family in tha town – said they found 'em abandoned on the road somewhere or some shit like tha'. People are so . . . cowed there, tha they'd believe anythin'." He spit on the ground then before moving back his deep-in-thought brother. "But enough standin' here and jabbin' - let's go catch us some fish. Come on . . ."
It took a minute before Daryl nodded and continued after him, feeling an even bigger feeling that he needed to get back to them . . . and fast.
"Hey Tess, can I . . . can I talk to you about something?"
Tessa looked up from the prison plans she had been going over with Carl in the common room, her eyebrows rising in interest, especially when she saw Maggie hanging awkwardly on the fringes of her space. Tessa immediately nodding, straightening up at she did so and placed a hand on Carl's shoulder.
"Yeah, sure; Carl, I'll be right back okay?" She told him and he nodded as she then gestured for Maggie to follow her. The younger woman nodded and followed her as Tessa moved up the stairs to the second floor, where she then moved into the guard office, closing the door behind them. Maggie's eyebrows furrowed at the lack of the twins and Tessa nodded to the common room. "Wren and Beth are outside with them – giving them some air and sunshine. What do you need?"
Maggie stood there for a minute, still a little awkwardly and when she spoke, Tessa could see what she was about to ask took a lot of courage. "When you . . . when Merle raped you, how did you deal?"
Tessa immediately felt like the question had slapped her across the face and while she knew with every ounce of conviction in her body that Maggie had not meant the question to be an insult, it nonetheless took her aback. She stood there for a minute, gaping for an answer and when she finally found her voice to speak, it was unsure at first.
"I . . . at-at first, I didn't - I-I couldn't! I didn't think Daryl would believe me, let alone listen to me and . . . and being around Merle every day made it damn near impossible for me to move on, on my own."
"And that's why you left?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowing in some indefinable emotion, and Tessa nodded as her tongue darted out to lick at her lower lip.
"Yeah, that's when I left. And once I was gone and once I married Sam and had Ethan, dealing just . . . became easier. Everything about the farm back in Shooter's Mill and even the town itself, just made it impossible to move on – there were too many bad memories. But once I was on the reservation and once I was married and had Ethan, it was almost like . . . dealing came naturally. I wasn't around that bad shit anymore – I had people I could actually talk to about it and who were supportive," She shrugged. "Dealing is easier when you have someone you can talk to," Her eyes narrowed slightly. "Is this about what happened in Woodbury?" She asked and Maggie hesitated for a moment before nodding.
"Y-yeah . . . Glen wants to talk about it."
"But . . .?" Tessa gently prodded and Maggie shrugged as the both of them took seats on the nearby bunk.
"But . . . but there's nothing to it, Tess! I don't want to talk about it – I think that's how I can deal – by not acknowledging it ever happened – not to him, anyway!" Tessa nodded slowly as she continued: "And really, nothing happened – not like what happened to you! He just came in and made me get naked and stand in front of him. He came up behind me and pushed himself against me and he put his hands all over me . . . he slammed my head down and bent me over a table – but it wasn't like he actually did anything!" She sighed then. "I had a choice, Tessa. I could take off my shirt or he would take off one of Glenn's hands. And I had just listened to Merle beat the shit out of him in the other room, so what was I supposed to do?"
"Maggie . . ." Tessa began but for a moment couldn't find the words she needed, so she stayed silent for a moment. When she finally found her words, she swallowed hard and began again. "Maggie, I know what you're feeling. This instinct to clam up – to-to not talk about it – I've felt it! Hell, I lived it for a good three months after it happened! And let me tell you, that was Hell – walking around, being around Daryl but not wanting to tell him anything . . ." She shook her head sorrowfully. "Maybe if I did, I wouldn't have felt the need to have left. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't have walked away pregnant and this whole entire shitstorm wouldn't have happened. Granted, it's some pretty big 'ifs' but they're still 'ifs', nonetheless. Point of the story, though . . ." She reached over and took Maggie's hand then. "You need to talk to him, Maggie. You might think that clamming up about this is good, but it's not, honey, it's not! You think it is, but then you realize it's not and you feel trapped and you end up . . ."
"Walking away . . ." Maggie completed for her, her voice quiet and Tessa gave her a thankful look and nodded.
"Yeah . . . you end up walking away." Maggie nodded then as she looked down at her hands in her lap.
"It's just . . . I feel like . . . I feel like Glenn wants to talk about it more for his benefit than for mine – so that he slim possibility remains in his mind that nothing happened to me so that he can go on continuing to think that he is the only man who has ever touched me since this whole thing began – which is far from the truth, let me tell you!" Maggie finished what she was saying with a roll of her eyes and Tessa's eyebrows furrowed in slight interest.
"What do you mean by that?" She asked and Maggie adopted a stricken look on her face for a moment before biting down on her bottom lip.
"I . . . haven't exactly been faithful to Glenn since we left the farm. Granted, it only happened once with one guy, but still . . ."
"With who?" Tessa couldn't help but ask with a grin and Maggie blushed a little as she shot her a slight smile look.
"Promise you won't tell?" She asked and Tessa rolled her eyes and good-naturedly threw up her hands in the air.
"Maggie, sweetie, you know my biggest secret already! And since I doubt Glenn has the balls to go around the group telling everyone that Merle raped me, consider this leverage in case you ever feel the inexplicable need to." She told her with a wink and Maggie laughed as she turned her eyes down onto her hands for a moment.
"You, uh . . . you remember those two guys who showed up at the hotel that one day and who spent about a week with us 'cause that blizzard happened?" Tessa continued to grin.
"You mean the two cowboys?"
Maggie blushed and nodded. "Yeah . . . those two . . ."
Tessa couldn't help but grin. "Oh God, Maggie, which one of them was it?"
"The tall one with the short brown hair and who built oh so amazingly well?" Maggie couldn't help but allow a grin to appear on her face then in remembrance. "Drew Carter, I think his name was? He was from Texas – go figure, right? – and had managed to come all the way over here to Georgia with his brother – the guy that was with him – to see if their family here was doing okay," She shrugged then and bit down on her bottom lip. "We, uh . . . stumbled into each other one night when the both of us couldn't sleep and eventually, one thing led to another and . . ." She shrugged. "We ended up having a week long affair. It ended when he and his brother left and strangely, I've never missed him. Drew was just . . . almost like getting a breath of fresh air – experiencing something new, ya know? I found myself appreciating Glenn more – appreciating how stable he is, stuff like that. Drew was just -"
"One Hell of a good roll around in the sheets?" Tessa grinned and Maggie shot her a look then, a look that barely managed to keep the grin off. Eventually, she nodded and Tessa let out a bark of a laugh.
"Believe it or not, I figured something like that. Me and Daryl would lay awake some nights after we would, ya know . . . finish too - and I remember him saying something along the lines of, 'Damn, I never knew Glenn could go tha' long' or some other dumb, crude and somehow hilarious quip like that," She nodded then, her grin fading down to a smile as she nodded. "But now I know . . . it was you and Drew all along for that week . . ."
Maggie nodded as she turned a pleading look up onto her. "Yes, it was, but promise me you won't say anything, Tess! If my father ever figured out that I cheated on Glenn, even though it was with one guy, he would shit a brick and we all know what Glenn would do if he knew!" She told her, her voice pleading with her to stay mum and Tessa grinned and laughed as she rolled her eyes.
"What did I just tell you, Maggie? If I ever decide to tell anyone about your little semi-frequent, week long romps with the delicious Drew Carter, then I hereby give you every permission in the book to tell everyone about what Merle did to me," She gave her another wink then. "And Hell, who am I to take away a girl's amazing memories?"
"Smells to me like Sawhatchee Creek."
"Naw, we didn' go west enough. There's a river down there – it's gotta be the Yellow Jacket."
"Ya have a stroke, boy? We ain' even come close to tha' Yellow Jacket."
"We didn' go west. Jus' a little bit south. Tha's what I think, anyway."
"Know what I think? I may have lost my hand, but ya lost ya sense of direction. Did Tess take tha' too along with ya balls?"
"Merle, I swear ta God -!"
"If I don' shut up - yeah, yeah, I know. Ya wanna bet?"
"I don' wanna bet nothin'. Its jus' a damn body of water. Why does everythin' got to be a competition with ya?"
"Whoa, whoa, take it easy little brother! I'm jus' tryin' to have a little fun here – no need to get ya panties all in a bundle. And besides, I gotta make sure ya not too bored out here, what will Tessa not here to cradle your balls anymore."
"Goddamnit, Merle . . ."
Merle grinned when his voice came out laced with a sigh. It seemed like they were finally getting somewhere – a little closer to being back to normal.
"Wait, ya hear that?"
"Yeah, it's just wild animals gettin' a little wild."
"No, it's a baby."
"Oh come on! Why don' ya piss in ma ear and tell me it's raining, too?"
"Look, ya ass – I've had to listen to the sounds of cryin' babies for the last month with my twins – Hell, my body's still tuned to react whenever I hear one cryin'! And that right there – that is the sound of a baby cryin'!"
"No, ya crazy. That sound right there is the sound of coons making love, sweet love, ya know what I mean? Of course ya do – ya've been gettin' it goin' out of style, haven' ya? Hell, Tess's been doin' more than cradling ya balls, hasn' she? Mmm, mmm, mmm – ain' she jus' finger lickin' good -!?"
"Merle, I swear to God that ya 'bout to get a bolt in ya head!"
Actually . . . fuck the bolt.
Daryl let out another loud yell of rage as he slammed Merle's head into the nearby tree. With how many times he's slammed the man's head into the nearest flat surface in the past two days, he was surprised the man wasn't suffering from brain damage. Hell, it was probably a testament to how thick the skulls of Will Dixon's sons were.
It had all started when Daryl pointed his crossbow at him to get him out of the car of the family they had just saved once they tracked down the sounds of the baby's cries. Once the family had safely driven off, Daryl realized that his place wasn't with his pig of a brother (in fact, he had known it a long time ago) but with his family at the prison (if they still wanted him, that was) and had marched off into the woods in a huff in the general direction of the prison. Merle came marching in after him a few minutes later, anger brimming in his body too.
"Tha shit ya doin' pointin' tha' thing at me?" He demanded and Daryl shook his head.
"They were scared, man."
"They were rude is what they were. They were rude and they owed us a token of gratitude." Merle replied and Daryl let out a disgusted scoff as he rolled his eyes.
"They didn' owe us nothin'."
"What is with ya – helpin' people out of the goodness of ya heart and even though ya might die doin' it? Is tha' somethin' ya Sheriff Rick taught ya?"
"There was a damn baby!" He snapped, whirling around, his anger bubbling and Merle let out a laugh.
"Oh, so it was the damn deddy in ya comin' out then! Did ya see one of ya squallin' brats in there – is tha' why ya helped? Hell, did tha woman even look like Tess a little? Did ya think of Tess and one of ya squallin' brats?"
Daryl didn't answer for a minute and when he finally spoke, it was after he realized what the root of all Merle's hostility towards him stemmed from. "Look, man, I went back for ya and ya weren' there! I wasn' exactly the one who cut off ya hand either. Ya did that! – way before they locked ya up on that roof. Hell, if ya ask me, ya asked for it!"
Merle laughed then although Daryl could see that he was quickly growing as angry as he felt at that moment. "Ya know – ya know what's funny to me?" He asked. "Ya and Sheriff Rick as close as two peas in a pod and I bet you a penny and a pot of gold tha' we were plannin' on robbin' tha' camp blind, were ya?"
"It didn' happen."
"Yeah, it didn' – 'cause I wasn' there to help ya!" He gave a grin and a laugh then. "And let's not even discuss Tess and those three squallin' brats of ya's! Daryl's teeth gritted in anger.
"Actually, yeah, let's discuss 'em – right here, right now! 'Cause it ain' like when we were kids, Merle! Ya left me then and when ya come back and ya see that I have a girl – a damn good-lookin' girl that absolutely pisses you off that I got instead of ya, ya can' deal and ya go and fuckin' rape her! What the fuck was with that, ya piece of shit, huh?" He swallowed hard and his eyes blazed with anger. "I lost thirteen potentially Goddamn good years of my life 'cause of ya fuckin' piece of shit ass! And right now – right now, I'm wondering why the Hell I haven't put a Goddamn bullet through your head!"
"Ya really wanna know what the whole deal behind that was, speakin' its lookin' like ya ain' gonna let it go?" Merle asked and Daryl pursed his lips and nodded. The older Dixon gritted his teeth then as he spoke. "The little tease deserved it! Walkin' 'round tha' farm, shakin' that tight little ass in those daisy dukes of hers and those luscious fuckin' tits of her 'bout to pop out of whatever top she was wearin' - and brother, let me tell ya - half the time, she wasn' wearin' those daisy dukes and those tops - half the time she was wearin' one of those short Indian lookin' dresses that weren' much better, let me tell ya! There was also that infectious damn grin of hers! And it jus' seemed so Goddamn unfair that ya were the only one she saw - tha' ya were the only one those infectious grins were reserved for and yeah, I admit, I might have done it 'cause I was jealous of ya, but Jesus Christ, Daryl, wouldn' ya be too?"
It was then, as he allowed the words to sink into his mind, that Daryl said 'fuck the bolt'. It was then, as he gritted his teeth and snapped a enraged 'fuck you' that almost immediately had Merle lunging at him - a lunge that he expertly sideswiped before grabbing his head and throwing him into the tree, that his vision started to turn red, the edges dangerously laced with black. It was then, as they threw the meanest kicks and punches at each other that they ever had, that Daryl's shirt ripped and everything seemed to go silent. Merle got to his feet and stumbled backwards a little, his eyes unable to leave the mean scars that littered his back – the scars that Daryl allowed no one but Tessa to see. Silently, in shock, Merle shook his head.
"I-I didn' know he was -" He began and Daryl shook his head as he got to his feet and swung his back over his shoulder, wincing at the bruises that were probably forming over his body.
"Yeah, ya did. He did the same to ya. That's why ya left first." He told him and Merle nodded.
"I had to, man. I would have killed him otherwise." He told him and Daryl let out a cruel, bark of a laugh as he got to his feet and turned around to face him.
"See, funny thing about that - I did end up killin' the spiteful bastard. Didn' know that, did ya?" He shook his head then, letting out another laugh at the stunned look on his brother's face. "Yup . . . and I killed him for that woman that ya raped and that woman who bore me three children and who I stupidly left for ya ass!" He shook his head again, his eyes growing stony. "I don' know why I haven' killed ya ye - especially after what ya jus' told me and even after I promised Tess that I would the next time I see ya. I like to think it's 'cause ya my brother and ya family while that might be true, I'm here to tell ya that if ya even think 'bout touchin' her again - if ya even think that she deserves it, again, I will act on all those disgustingly bloody fuckin' daydreams of killin' ya that I've been havin' for the past two days!"
"Where are ya goin'?" Merle demanded when Daryl spun around on his heels then and headed off walking again. He stopped and turned to face him.
"Back where I belong – to ma family - to Tess and my son and my twins!" He shook his head. "Back to where I should be! Now I jus' gotta hope that the one woman I can' live without, still loves me enough to think 'bout takin' me back."
