Author's Warning: This chapter has a lot of talk of Elphaba's past (the rapes), some severe mental anguish, and self-harm. Proceed with caution.

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Elphaba slowly pulled at the grass around her. "My father raped me."

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Chapter Fifty: Of The Past

Glinda placed a hand on the green girl's knee in comfort. She already knew, Fiyero had told her before, but she didn't say that in fear that Elphaba would stop talking.

"I tried to… convince myself it was… well… normal. I knew it wasn't but still… I tried."

The blonde nodded, knowing that Elphaba didn't see the action because the green girl wasn't even looking at her. She knew she couldn't talk. If she said one wrong word, or spoke in a tone that Elphaba found accusing, then she feared that the green girl would fall silent.

"He was always drunk." Elphaba's voice was so quiet that Glinda had to lean forward to catch the words that the green girl spoke. "He thought… he thought I was mother. He missed her terribly. And he… he filled that ache within him with… with me."

"Elphie…" Glinda's voice was soothing and soft. "What he did was–"

"Wasn't my fault," Elphaba interrupted. "I know Glinda but that… it doesn't… the pain is still there."

Glinda didn't know what to say. She was glad that Elphaba was talking of her past but this particular part of it she had hoped she would speak to Fiyero of. He was better at finding the right words to comfort Elphaba when she was distraught. Glinda just felt lost and useless.

"I… no one ever… knew. I ne… never even told… Nanny."

"Elphie… I… I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything." Elphaba looked up to make eye contact with the blonde. She smiled; a sad, desperate smile. "Just… just don't leave me."

Glinda nodded, taking Elphaba's hand in her own. "I won't," she said. "Trust me."

"It's hard for me… to do that." Elphaba looked away again, playing with the grass with her free hand. "I… well… I'm afraid of getting close with someone. I'm afraid they'll… they'll leave when they see who I… well… what I really am."

"Oh, Elphie!" Glinda was speechless, shocked. "What do you mean, 'what you really are'?"

Elphaba smiled again, the same sad smile she always held now. Tears pooled in her eyes but she quickly blinked them away as best as she could. She continued to look only at the grass. "Well… just look at me."

"I am," Glinda said, squeezing Elphaba's hand. "And I see a beautiful human being. A wonderful friend who cares for others more than she cares for herself. Someone who would give up their life in a moments notice for a friend but wouldn't give her own life a second glance."

"Glinda…"

"I see someone who knows she cannot fix everyone or everything in this world but is going to try anyways. I see someone who will always consider other people worth more than herself."

"Please…"

"I see a beautiful person and a beautiful soul."

Elphaba's shoulders began to shake with barely suppressed sobs and Glinda held her hand tighter. The green girl couldn't look at her blonde roommate, her blonde friend, she couldn't even bear to look at the grass anymore. Its green colour only reminded her of the sinfulness of her own skin.

"Glinda…" Elphaba meant to say more. She had words spinning in her head, desperate to be voiced, but she couldn't find the strength to speak. Her composure faltered and she broke down, crumpling over herself as sobs choked her throat and tears forced their way out from underneath her tightly closed eyelids.

The blonde let go of Elphaba's hand and shifted to her knees; embracing her distraught friend and pulling the green girl close to her own body. Elphaba clutched on to the thin fabric of Glinda's dress in a desperate attempt to get some sort of control over her emotions. She buried her face in the fabric, trying to keep the tears from burning her skin, and barely registered the fact that this was Glinda she was crying to.

Glinda held the shaking, sobbing form of Elphaba as best as she could. Thankfully the spot that Elphaba had sat down at was somewhat removed from any of the brick paths and hidden by a row of small bushes from the nearby clearing that students often were found at. As a result the distraught Elphaba was sufficiently hidden from any prying eyes which meant that Glinda did not have to worry about any more suffering towards the green girl's already lacking reputation among the students.

Elphaba, however, did not care at all about the place she had sat down at. She was just disgusted at herself. Disgusted that she was not only crying but crying in public.

Then suddenly she could taste the bile in the back of her throat. She pulled away from Glinda and twisted her body around. Now on her hands and knees she vomited, expelling her stomach of the meager breakfast she had eaten that morning.

She was lost. Lost in her pain and her memories. She remembered every detail of her parent's room. The faded carpet. The old, rickety bed. The lone window. The dresser she used to stare at as her father would use her for his own sick, twisted pleasure. The green bottle that sat on that dresser's smooth, wooden finish – gleaming in her memory – and the smell of the whiskey. It always smelled like whiskey.

His touch. His rough hands across her body. The way he used to kiss her scars – mock them. The first time. The pain. Her voice when she had screamed. It had echoed in the room. It had almost made him stop. Almost.

The blood. He had left her on the bed with the blood. It had poured from her. He had torn her apart. He had been too big for her child body but he had still forced it. For a long time she had bled. Every time, without fail, the blood would come. The pain. The screams. She fought him but he always won.

It was always at night, never during the day. The darkness hid her skin – made it easier for him to see her as Melena. When he was done he would leave her alone. She laid there in silence; feeling the blood and his own warm, stinking fluid flowing from her. She would hurt… hurt for days. Nothing could still the pain.

And now the memories brought back the same pain. Elphaba shuddered, clumping the grass beneath her hands. She vaguely sensed Glinda beside her and though she heard the blonde's voice she couldn't comprehend the words. Her groin ached as if her past had just occurred again. The memories were vivid and real… and with a startling revelation she realized that she was reliving her past. It was as if she was there again, at the tender age of nine, upon the rickety old bed with him. As he forced his too large member in to a far too small body.

She wanted to scream but she had no voice. All she could do was cry, choking sobs that stole her breath. Her body shook violently. Glinda was worried, terrified. The blonde's words could not calm the distraught and confused Elphaba who was trapped far too deep in to her memories to be saved by Glinda alone.

The blonde stood up, sweeping the far too thin frame of Elphaba in her arms. Night had fallen by now and Glinda was grateful for the secrecy that the darkness held for them. Elphaba hardly noticed that she had been picked up. She tensed under Glinda's touch but she was too far gone to register the outside world anymore.

Glinda ran.

The blonde headed not in the direction of the girl's dorm but rather towards the boy's dorm. She ignored the looks she got from the few students still roaming around outside. Her heels began to slow her down – one broke – so she cast them aside. Leaving them on the grass as she took the most direct route, ignoring the brick paths, to her destination. She burst through the main doors of the boy's dormitory and took the steps two at a time. She didn't bother to knock and instead just burst through the door.

Fiyero whirled around at the sound of his door being so forcefully opened and stood, frozen in shock, at the sight of Glinda carrying the seemingly unconscious Elphaba in her arms. "What… what happened?" he asked as he took the green girl from Glinda and laid her on his bed.

"I… I don't know!" Glinda was hysterical now. "She was talking about… about her father and then she just went all… all strange!"

"Elphaba?" Fiyero whispered, laying a hand on a green shoulder.

Elphaba jerked away. "Don't touch me!" she hissed. In her mind she didn't register Fiyero as Fiyero. She saw the Vinkus prince has her father. The bed she laid on wasn't Fiyero's bed – it was the rickety bed of her childhood torment.

Fiyero removed his arm from the green shoulder. "Elphaba?" he whispered again.

"Get away!" Elphaba screamed. She closed her legs, bringing them up and hugging them to her chest. "Stop it! Stop it! Please…" Her voice fell to a feeble whisper. "It hurts. Father… please… it hurts… stop… this is… wrong. I'm not mother… please… please… I'll do anything just… stop it…"

Glinda let out a gasp – shocked at what she realized Elphaba was reliving. "I… I can't watch this," she mumbled out in a breathless whisper but she didn't move. She didn't try to leave.

Fiyero grabbed Elphaba's shoulders, shaking her. "Elphaba!" he screamed, trying to wake the green girl from her terror. "Elphaba!"

It was useless, and Fiyero knew that, but the Vinkus prince still attempted to break through to the green girl. She was too far gone in her memories though, too far swallowed by her terror and pain, to be brought back to the present. There was nothing that could be done but wait it out.

Fiyero stopped his attempts to bring Elphaba back from her past and instead slipped his hand in to hers. She grasped it tightly, painfully. Fiyero couldn't be certain if she actually realized that she was holding on to his hand or if the action had somehow manifested itself in to something tangible in the memory she was consumed by.

Elphaba continued to mumble words that only made true sense if the two other occupants in the room thought of the context they were meant in. She begged, pleaded, and cried for her father to stop. Screaming of the pain and the blood and how much it hurt. It lasted for just over fourteen minutes.

Fourteen minutes of unbearable torment for not just Elphaba but the two friends who were forced to listen and watch.

And then as suddenly as it had began it stopped. Elphaba ripped her hand away from Fiyero and sat up in a jerky, stiff movement. Her breathing was rapid, shallow, and very near to hyperventilating status. She blinked continuously, furiously, as tears streaked down her face leaving red welts in their path. Fiyero tried to wipe away the burning liquid with his thumbs but Elphaba pulled back from his touch; swatting his hands away.

"Elphie?" Glinda whispered.

Elphaba turned to face the blonde, letting her gaze settle on Glinda.

Her eyes were wide with fear. She was confused, delirious. She was unsure of who the two people standing before her were. All she could remember was the terror, the pain, and her father. It was as if the memory of her past had just occurred. She hurt, in both mind and body. The physical pain was just as real to her as the emotional torment she had relived. She wrapped her arms around herself, in some sort of pitiful attempt at protection, as her eyes darted back and forth between Glinda and Fiyero.

Realization began to sink in and slowly she began to remember who the two people in front of her were. She dropped her gaze to the floor just beyond Glinda's feet. "I am used," she whispered, her voice loud in the silence of the room. "Dirty and used. Tossed out like human garbage. Dirt. Nothing but an object for man's pleasure. I'm a whore meant–"

"Stop." Fiyero's voice was quiet but demanding – full of grief and pity. He sat down on the edge of the bed. Elphaba curled her legs away from him. "Don't say such words about yourself," he continued. "They're not true and–"

"Let me speak!" Elphaba growled out as she shrunk away from Fiyero's suffocatingly close proximity to her.

Fiyero bit his lip to stop the words he dearly wanted to say and nodded for Elphaba to continue. "Very well."

She shivered. "I'm a whore." Her voice was harsh, cold. "A whore. A slut. Given life for the sole purpose to provide pleasure for men."

"Elph–"

"I bled for my father first!" Her eyes snapped up to stare at both Fiyero and Glinda. Her gaze seemed to bore holes right through them as shame coloured her face a deep shade of green. "I am trash! Garbage! A whore! And a… a…" Her voice fell to a whisper as tears nearly choked her words from her. "A failure."

She fell silent but continued to stare at the two friends before her – daring them to contradict her words. Fiyero looked disturbed, his eyes full of pity, while Glinda looked terrified, out of her element. One corner of Elphaba's lipped curled up in to a smirk and she let out a small chuckle. "Can you not speak?" Her voice was harsh as it forced its way around the lump in her throat. "Have you finally seen the truth? Now you know what kind of disgusting freak I am! I don't blame you if you two want to leave. Who would want to be friends with a whore? With a cheap bed-bunny!"

Glinda's mouth opened in shock. "You're not a whore," she whispered. "You're father was wrong in what he did."

"And Avaric?" Elphaba was screaming now. "What of him! He and his friends used me just the same! It's all I'm good for!"

The three friends fell silent. Fiyero and Glinda spoke no words, knowing that whatever they could say would be small and trite against the pain Elphaba was suffering. The green girl dropped her gaze to the floor again and struggled to control the tears pouring from her eyes. "Whore," she muttered. Her voice had lost its anger and determination. It was if she had given up on herself, given up on trying to label what she was.

"You've said your piece now," Fiyero finally whispered. "Perhaps now you can learn to let it go."

Elphaba was on her feet and in a mere moment she had fled Fiyero's room. Glinda and Fiyero were frozen in shock for what seemed like an eternity before the Vinkus prince sprung in to action. He leapt from his seat on the bed and disappeared from the room, Glinda on his heels, as he tried to follow the escaped green girl. By the time he got outside of the boy's dormitory he could just barely see the fleeting form of Elphaba as she headed towards the girl's dorm. He followed as best as he could but she had had too much of a head start and he couldn't catch up with her.

He reached the door to Glinda and Elphaba's shared room a minute, perhaps two, after Elphaba had arrived. The door was locked and when Fiyero tried to break it down he could not. It pulled at its hinges and the old wood cracked and split but the door did not open. Something was blocking it from within the room, something that Elphaba had placed there on purpose. Fiyero cursed the Unnamed God as Glinda finally caught up with him.

"She's blocked the door," he muttered. "We can't get in."

"The window?"

Fiyero nodded. "Are you friends with anyone who has their room nearby? It would be faster then going outside and scaling the whole building."

Glinda knocked on the door to the private suite beside her shared room. She didn't know the person who resided there personally but she was confident that whoever slept there at night would know her name. The girl who opened the door was a third-year student who looked incredibly angry at being interrupted. "What?" she snapped out.

"We need to borrow your window," Glinda explained. "It's an emergency."

The blonde walked right past the angry girl and Fiyero followed behind with a nod and a small smile. Whatever anger the girl held was lost at the sight of the Vinkus prince in her dorm room. But her joy was short-lived as Fiyero quickly opened the window and swung himself out. Glinda followed behind. In seconds they had maneuvered themselves around, using the sills and the roof from the second story porch below them for help, and managed to get in to the room that Elphaba had locked herself in.

The green girl wasn't there. However, the floorboard that covered her hidden storage hole in the floor was thrown carelessly to the side. Elphaba had been here. Fiyero's eyes roamed the room. He saw the dresser that Elphaba had pushed against the door to prevent anyone from entering. He also saw the light on in the bathroom and the fact that that door was not closed.

He could hear Elphaba sobbing.

He ran the few feet to the bathroom and froze in shock and horror in the doorway at what he saw. Elphaba had trashed the bathroom, throwing around whatever was not in a fixed position. Blood covered the tiled floors. Elphaba sat on the commode, a knife clenched tightly in her grasp – digging the sharp metal edge in to the soft flesh of her wrist. She had torn her dress off, leaving her only in her undergarments, and gashes – deep and long – marred her stomach. Blood poured freely from them. A half-drank bottle of whiskey sat on the bathroom vanity, some of it had spilt on to the floor. Fiyero could not be certain if Elphaba had already drank half of the whiskey in the bottle or if the bottle had not been full to begin with. It didn't matter though; the whiskey wasn't his main concern at the moment.

"Elphie?" Glinda's voice was small and quiet as she stood beside Fiyero. She broke through Fiyero's shocked stupor and alerted Elphaba to their presence.

The green girl shot up in to a standing position, the knife falling from her hand and landing, with a loud thud, on the tiled floor. She grabbed the half-empty bottle of whiskey and threw it in the general direction of Fiyero. The Vinkus prince ducked, pulling Glinda to the floor with him, and he heard the bottle shatter behind them.

"Get out!" she screamed. She looked like an deranged animal. Her hair had escaped from the confines of her braid and now hung limply around her face. Blood stained her stomach and dripped from her arm. Her eyes were wide, her breathing rapid, and utter terror seemed to ooze from her very being. She kneeled down, keeping her eyes locked on Fiyero, and grabbed the knife that she had dropped.

She placed it at the base of her neck.

Glinda gasped, tears beginning to course down her face. The blonde closed her eyes and looked away. She couldn't bear to watch.

Fiyero slowly stood up; holding his hands up, palms facing Elphaba, to try and show her that he meant no harm. "You said you were past killing yourself," Fiyero said. His voice was monotone now as he tried to keep any sense of feeling from its tone in case Elphaba took its meaning in the wrong light. "Did you lie then? Or are you doing this not because you want to die but because you fear facing yourself?"

"Shut-up!" The knife was pressed harder against her neck. A red line of blood bubbled from above its gleaming surface as the pressure cut the green skin. "Leave me alone!"

"Elphaba please… listen to me. What you think just happened to you actually occurred years ago. This pain your feeling is from a memory, a night-terror really. It's true pain, I know that, but it didn't happen today. You're father didn't rape you today. It was years ago, in your childhood." As he spoke Fiyero had inched closer and closer to Elphaba. He was nearly within reach of her now. "You're having a mental breakdown. Please… let us help you."

In one quick movement Elphaba removed the knife from her neck and placed the point of it underneath Fiyero's chin. "One step closer and I'll cut off your head!" she snapped out. "I'm not letting you rape me! I don't want to be a whore anymore!"

Fiyero could feel the knife shaking under his chin. "I'm not going to rape you," he said. "And you are not a whore. You gave yourself that title and you can just as easily toss the word away. No one else thinks of you as that. You didn't ask for what your father did to you. He forced it upon you. It was not your fault. You're not a whore because of it."

The knife wavered slightly, losing its connection with Fiyero's skin. The Vinkus prince took advantage of the small chance and grabbed Elphaba's arm. He pulled her towards him, twisting her arm behind her back and wrapping his other arm around her chest to try and keep her still. She screamed and tried to fight back but she didn't have the strength. He pried the knife from her hand that he had pinned against her back and it fell to the floor. He let that hand go and wrapped his now free arm around Elphaba's waist. He dragged the struggle green girl towards the mirror and maneuvered her so that she could see her reflection. Her hands were desperately clawing at the arm around her chest but she couldn't free herself.

"Look at yourself!" Fiyero screamed, trying to get through the hazy fog of pain and terror that was surrounding Elphaba. He had to use all of his strength to keep the green girl in control. "Look in the mirror!"

Elphaba refused to look but Fiyero would not let her go. He kept her there even as she struggled to move away from the reflection she did not dare to look at. But eventually she caught a glimpse of herself and the sight made her freeze. She was shocked as she saw the blood that covered her and the way she was thrashing about to try and free herself. She had regressed in to nothing more than a frightened animal.

The thought terrified her.

She collapsed in to a heap on the floor, Fiyero behind her, and sobbed. She clutched his shirt, burying her head in to his chest, and just cried. Mumbled apologies could be heard through her choking sobs as Fiyero gently rubbed comforting circles across Elphaba's bare back. He could feel the scars. Most of them were long and thin – scars from the uncountable lashes Elphaba had endured throughout her life – while others were strangely shaped and it was impossible to place their origins.

"This is your fault!" Elphaba spat out, her words muffled by her tears and Fiyero's chest. "You're fucking letter idea caused this!"

"You've never done this before, have you?" Fiyero asked softly.

Elphaba pulled away from Fiyero. The two of them just looked at each other as they kneeled on the blood-stained floor. "What? This?" She thrust out her bleeding arm. "I think I've done this before!"

"That's not what I'm talking about." Fiyero grabbed Elphaba's outstretch wrist and gently pushed the green arm down. "I mean facing your memories."

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor. "Not… not like this." She wrapped her arms around her stomach, suddenly self-conscious of what she had done to herself. "I just… labeled the act and pushed it to the depths of my mind."

"How does it feel?"

"Like shit." Elphaba's voice was impossibly quiet now. "I feel pathetic… disgusting!"

"Did it help to harm yourself?"

Elphaba slowly shook her head. "Not… not this time."

Fiyero laid a hand on Elphaba's shoulder, tried to pull her in to a hug, but she jerked away. She scrambled backwards until she hit the bathroom vanity. "Don't touch me!" Her body shook and she felt as if her shame was clear to all who looked at her. "I'm… dirty…"

Glinda, finally shaking herself from her shock, slowly walked over to the vanity and crouched down. Elphaba watched her carefully, shrinking away from the blonde, as Glinda opened the bottom drawer and pulled out a few bottles of the green girl's cleaning oils and a cloth.

"Don't!" Elphaba hissed. "How can you two even stand to look at me? I'm disgusting! My body's disgusting! I'm just… trash!"

Glinda ignored the green girl and kneeled down beside her. She gently took a hold of Elphaba's wrist and lifted the green arm towards her. She poured some of the oils on it and using the cloth she gently, methodically, cleaned the blood away. "You're not disgusting," Glinda whispered, keeping her eyes locked on Elphaba's so that her friend would know she was speaking the truth. "And your body's not disgusting. You're beautiful. You're more than trash… far, far more than trash."

Elphaba's was shaking and her eyes were wide with both terror and confusion. She couldn't comprehend how someone, anyone, could look at her as anymore then a used object that had expired long ago. She turned her head, breaking her eye contact with Glinda. "I'm a whore…" Her voice trailed off.

"Elphie… you're not–"

"It doesn't sound the same," Elphaba interrupted the blonde. "It sounds worse in my head."

"What does?" Fiyero asked, keeping a safe distant away from Elphaba to keep her from feeling uncomfortable.

"Whore," Elphaba whispered. "The word, the title. It always sounded worse in my head. When… when I say it… out loud it… it doesn't have the same sting to it… the same meaning."

"That's a good thing," Fiyero said.

Elphaba stiffened as Glinda moved down to her stomach to clean the blood from there. She didn't pull away from the blonde's touch but she didn't relax either. "If I'm not a whore than what am I?"

"A person."

Elphaba's head snapped up at Fiyero's words and she looked at the Vinkus prince. "A… a person?" she questioned. She was shocked. A person implied a soul, emotions, purpose, worth. She hadn't thought of herself as a person in years. In fact, she couldn't ever remember having thought of herself as a person. She'd had always been a servant, a caretaker, a freak, a whore. She'd thought of herself as many things before but never a… a person.

"A person," Elphaba repeated in a disbelieving whisper as a small smile, a genuine smile, appeared on her face and tears traced a path down from her eyes. "Maybe… maybe I could… be… be that."

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Author's Note: First of all, for anyone wondering I am feeling much better and thanks to everyone who sent me well wishes to get better. Now, to get on to the main reason of this author's note. I wrote this chapter before I ever read TheWitch'sCat story "Black & White" but when I read that story (which, by the way, if you like this story go and read herstrust me, you'll love it) I noticed that this chapter tends to have the same sort of theme in it as hers does (in regards to how both of our Elphaba's think of herself and such). I did not intend for my story to reflect hers like that, it just so happened to end up doing such a thing. As I said earlier, I had already written this chapter when I read her story. So I apologize to TheWitch'sCat for having the same sort of ideas in my story. It was not my intention to take from her story it just so seems to be that we think alike when it comes to how we perceive our Elphaba's to be. And now, with that out of the way, I must shamelessly plug TheWitch'sCat story because it is incredible. Go read it, now. Trust me, you will not be disappointed. It carries the same sort of angst and drama that my story does only in a different time in Elphaba's life and with far better writing abilities. So go read it!