Jason had spent the better part of that night doing some hard thinking. He felt that, given enough time, he'd be able to work his way out of this ditch he found himself in. He really tried to evaluate what had happened thus far that allowed things to get this bad, in terms of within him, to where he was cowering to the whims of Leo (not that the kid was any less capable).
And all of his inner turmoil centered around Percy. Percy, Percy, Percy, it was always about him. Except maybe not entirely.
Because while the Titan Slayer is immensely infuriating, he was also much more intelligent than Jason first surmised, and what he'd said during their fight was still bothering the son of Jupiter. That he didn't even try to live up to Lupa's ideals.
Jason couldn't exactly disagree, as much as he hated to admit it. The fact was that whenever he had to resort to them, to give into his inner Roman, so to speak, he became physically ill, or mentally anguished at the least. In the absolute best case scenario, Jason only had to deal with the consequences of it alienating all of his friends. Except, not all of them. He was sure that Reyna, and any other Roman who would see it, would approve.
But when he first showed that side of himself, when he had to tame Tempest, Piper and Leo had become frightened of him. They didn't understand and probably never would. At the time, Jason himself didn't understand; he had felt this foreign presence come over him and take over all of his thoughts and his actions, arrogantly proclaiming the sky as his domain…and then, in another flash, it was gone.
Jason didn't remember the next time it came up, when he was forced to use his lightning against Wrath. It was terrifying, that being the only thing he remembered about the encounter. Then, when he fought Hercules, the same sort of feeling came over him; a great, unbearable urge to surpass. It wasn't just the Argo that was one the line, it was his pride.
Finally…at Rome…enough said.
So what was the connection? What was the through-line? For the life of him, Jason couldn't figure it out.
People always said he was good at everything, that so long as he put his mind to it, that Jason could do anything. Well, imagine how frustrating it is to think that, only to hit an unclimbable wall that he couldn't overcome named "being a Roman," when it was all he wanted to say that he was one.
Maybe he wasn't cut out to be a Roman, he thought for a few fleeting, terrifying moments. Maybe he should just learn to settle down in Camp Half-Blood, and maybe Piper wouldn't be too bad to settle down with after all. Reyna? Who's that?
Except there were so many things he didn't feel like he could accept about Camp Half-Blood. For as much as he played down his grievances to Reyna for the sake of the mission, he couldn't stand the loose hierarchy. When he had a question, he had no earthly clue who to ask or who to turn to except Chiron who was busy most all of the time with something, or so it seemed. For all Jason know, in the part of his brain labelled "cynic" Chiron was just saying he was busy so he wouldn't have to talk to a filthy, traitorous Roman.
And gods, Camp Jupiter was beautiful. It looked like a place worth defending, not just a bunch of random haphazard structures on a farm and forest. People there had lives worth defending; they didn't have any other home, and the Legion. Gods, the Legion was magnificent. So structured, so orderly, so familiar…Jason knew and could find himself being happy with his position within the Legion so long as he didn't have to go back to just another blob with no purpose in Camp Half-Blood.
And the funny part was that Jason wouldn't have thought about all of the things he despised about it had he not been in this emotional and psychological funk.
The only thing Jason wanted was to help people. He wanted to make peoples' lives safer and easier than ever before. He was under no delusion of making a utopia; if one did enough readings on that idea, then one would know it was flawed in terms of the human psyche's dealing with boredom. But if he couldn't make a utopia, he wanted to at least make his people happier. But gods! Why was that so hard? What was he missing; it was like he was one clue short of solving a murder case! Just infuriating!
He wanted to be a Roman, so why was acting and believing like a Roman so freaking difficult? Was the solution truly that he just wasn't meant for it? And what caused this mental block anyway? Why would he have subconsciously rejected Lupa's teachings? What very specific set of circumstances led to this imbalance.
That was an easy one; Tempus Brookes. She was always against Lupa's ideals. She wanted to change New Rome into something unrecognizable, or at least she made an effort to do so after she returned from her quest to retrieve the Athena Parthenos. And while some things Jason could get behind, he couldn't deny the possibility that Tempus hadn't been fit to lead the Legion after she returned.
Of course, that was before she chose to make the ultimate sacrifice for New Rome.
And just like that, it clicked. She chose to do it. The more Jason thought about it, the more he thought her death was unnecessary. And yet, he couldn't imagine himself today should she have lived. From Annabeth speaking about her notebook, she was already expecting to leave New Rome; who's to say she didn't somehow plan for her own death? No, that was impossible, but the idea that her going out of their lives for good was a very real possibility. It wasn't that hard to run away.
Then, looking back on Jason's own encounters…every time he's had to rely on Lupa's teachings, it was out of desperation. He may have went along with it in some cases more than others, but the instigation was entirely out of his control.
Perhaps Jason had taken the wrong thing from Tempus' sacrifice initially. He'd thought she did so because she fully embraced Lupa teachings,, that she was going to conquer this enemy or die trying, and she ended up doing the latter. So then, Jason might've subconsciously thought of doing the same, especially after his memories and emotions and thought processes got all jumbled from the memory wipe. That Lupa's teachings were a fall back, a last resort. Something to be feared and used only when absolutely necessary for survival. Because after all, her ideals trained demigods to survive, not to flourish, right?
No they weren't, and Reyna was a prime example of that. She lives a fulfilled life. She has her ups and downs, but for the most part lives every day to its fullest, or as much as she can with her responsibilities. She's exactly what Lupa wanted.
And if Jason was going to get out of this funk, then he would have to become like that too. He would have to rise to meet the greatest Greek as the greatest Roman of this generation.
Once that realization came, Jason's brain immediately became wired, like he'd just drank eighteen energy drinks that will remain nameless, but may or may not say they give wings. He shot up to his feet, eager to get started, but his brain slowed to the point of proper thinking before he even made it to the door.
How was he to go about accomplishing this goal? It was a conscious choice, to be sure, but how could he show it outwardly? Did he even need to, or would it just happen naturally? Maybe nothing would change about his behavior. Maybe he would just think he changed, but would never truly know. After all, the mind is really good at tricking itself into positive emotions.
Jason closed his eyes, frustrated and stuck at a wall yet again. Hand still on the doorknob, Jason walked out to see if anyone else was awake. He first checked the kitchen, or the dining table room was more appropriate. Seeing no one there, he asked for an actual energy drink, and then left after getting it.
Next, he checked the deck, figuring either Luke or Bianca would be out here, and he was correct. Luke stood leaning against the railing, eyes glued to the landscape below them.
They'd arrived at Split a day prior, as per Hecate's suggestion, but so far nothing has happened. They'd had to fight Leo every half an hour, as he wanted to quickly close the Doors to avenge Grover. A fair desire, but what would be the point of getting there if they weren't prepared to actually finish the job?
"You're up," Jason greeted the older man. He turned to the Roman, looking exhausted. "Not much sleep?"
Luke shook his head. "Call it a nightmare," he said. "Kronos keeps talking to me at night, and…I don't know…"
"What don't you know? What's he saying?"
"Things that I shouldn't agree with, things like how him and I are alike and how he might be starting to turn around and…" Luke sighed. "I really want to fight against him, because if I don't then he could just break free and cause havoc again, but…the more I look around me, the more I reflect on what I've done and what he's made me do…the more I'm beginning to believe him," he said. A long bout of silence encroached on them, before Luke broke it with a question. "I don't know; what do you think?"
"What do I think? Why are you asking me?"
"Because you're the only one I can ask," he replied, not even being apologetic about it; Jason was just the best of a bad lot in Luke's eyes. The comment should've hurt a bit more than it did.
"Well…" Jason crossed his arms. "I've been thinking a lot about what he said to me, back in Venice. And I think he was right. He said…he said he regretted what he did, apparently he sacrificed a whole bunch of demigods…is that true?"
Luke's gaze returned to the landscape, eyes becoming misty. The memory was painful. "I wasn't there, nor was I in control. It was the last day of the War; we made a final push against the Greeks, loosing everything we had at them so we could sneak by and onto Olympus to try and secure the Heart before Percy had to make his choice; we wanted to use it as leverage. Well, Kronos wanted to; I didn't really have a choice…" he chuckled. "I say that, but I did break free with the right motivation. I guess I should stop making excuses, huh?"
"Luke…"
"A-anyway," he quickly moved on. "Some of the monsters we threw at the demigods were drakons, big dragon-like beasts, like the Cloverfield-monster-size, if you've ever seen it. According to Percy, they…the Greeks had captured all of the demigods I'd turned to Kronos' side, apparently Kronos had ordered the drakons to destroy the buildings, one of which housed them, crushing half of them under rubble. Otherwise, he just let them loose and they were caught in the crossfire. Either way…they didn't deserve what happened to them."
"I'm…I'm sorry."
Luke didn't respond at first, trying to collect himself. He sniffed and wiped away the tears that threatened to fall. "So yeah, demigods were killed. A lot of them. Too many of them," Jason offered a hand to the shoulder. "It's all we can do to move on though."
"…You lost someone, didn't you?"
"We all did," he said sullenly. "But…a-anyway, you were saying about Kronos?"
"Yeah, well…he was saying about how Percy can't hold out forever in his position, single-handedly guarding the entire Greek pantheon. I'm inclined to agree with him there. But what he said about me was…strange. He said I had to 'accept' who I was. I didn't really get it at first, so I've been staying up all freaking night trying to figure it out, trying to figure out how and why I'm feeling so…out of balance, ever since Rome. I think I get it now, but…"
"But what?"
"Listen, I know for a fact that I'm not the best Roman I could be, but I want to change that. I've started to think that Lupa…might not have been so wrong after all."
"You're saying you want to make yourself even more Roman? Wasn't acting like a Roman what got you and Percy fighting?"
"I'm not so sure," Jason returned. "And I still think that was mostly Gluttony, though…I meant every word I said. I know that, too. But I really think this is the best option, to…to finally be happy with myself, you know? To make a difference. When this quest is over, I want to change New Rome. I want to make it just as strong as you Greeks and your Camp Half-Blood. And I want to lead it as their praetor," the son of Jupiter offered a smile of reassurance, but Luke didn't look convinced. "Something on your mind?"
"Just wary, is all," he said, clearly hiding something. "Because when I made that kind of decision, to change the world, it didn't end well."
Taking a deep breath, Jason nodded. "And the fact that I know that has risen my anxiety levels tenfold. Thanks."
Luke chuckled. "Look, all I'm saying is that you need to be careful, sometimes the world is better off without your change, no matter how good you think it is. That said…Kronos told me something too. He said, in a more subtle way, that you needed the both of us to grow. Who knows; maybe this change is the growth, and we have to help you realize it."
"Who? You and Kronos?"
"Well, you're the one that accepted advice from him," Luke reminded.
"Ah…a fair point."
"And I don't really know how to make you a better Roman, but I do know that you suck at fighting."
"Hey! I do not!"
"And your powers are weak as hell, so you can't do much, Mr. I'm-going-to-change-the-world."
"Well, you offered to train me before, so I want to take you up on it."
Luke seemed a bit shocked that Jason would ask that, but then closed his eyes and smiled. "The greatest stories aren't about the greatest people. It's the greatest people's lives that make the greatest stories."
"What's that?"
"It's how the world works," he put a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "And starting today, I'm going to make you a legend."
xxxXXXxxx
They ended up waiting for daytime in order to begin the training, with Jason offering to take night watch from there so Luke could catch up on sleep. To his surprise, Kronos didn't visit him during the night, perhaps because he was doing as he was told. While that thought didn't comfort him, he knew he shouldn't feel bad about doing this.
Jason seemed eager when Luke walked back out onto the deck. "Ready to start?" were his first words of the day.
Luke scratched the back of his head and yawned. "First, you gotta tell me what you can do," he spoke through the yawn. Luke had come prepared with a pen and paper. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't like to use your lightning, do you?"
Jason grimaced. "…No. It gets out of control too easily."
"Hm…interesting. Use it," he ordered.
"What?"
Luke pointed out to the sky. "Shoot a lightning bolt, now."
"But-"
"Now."
Jason hesitated, but obliged. Being very careful not to lose control, Jason successfully shot a small bolt into the sky, being sure not to give it too much juice, so to speak.
"Pretty good, but in real fight, you'd be toast."
"Hence why I don't use it," Jason replied. Luke scoffed.
"Please; that's not why you don't use it," he teased, grinning. "Now, you're going to do that all day until you can do it in an instant."
"But…"
"Let me guess: 'I've tried that before'?"
"Exactly. And it didn't work."
"Why not?"
Jason's voice slowly rose to a yell. "Because I got tired, because I lost control! Don't you see? That's the whole point of why I-"
"Alright, alright," Luke raised his arms in relent. "Then we're going hit your head until we get all of that doubt out of there."
"What the hell are you pulling? You said you helped my sister; what did you do for her?"
"This exact thing," he assured. "But I can tell that you're not like her. Fine, then we're going to have to come up with something else. If practice isn't gonna make this perfect, then we need another game plan."
"What…what do you have in mind?"
"Well…I've been thinking about it, and from what I've noticed, you don't really generate lightning, not how Thalia did. In the beginning at least, she had to do these fancy twirls with her special spear. It built up enough friction to allow her to create and aim a bolt."
"I know; Lady Diana told me."
"Right. But anyway, you seem to just create it, right? It's almost like you're manifesting the electrical charges of your brain into outward electricity. I mean, that would be impossible, your brain doesn't generate enough to do what you do, but the idea is there. You see what I mean?"
"I mean…kind of, but what are you getting at?"
"Okay, so first, I want to try doing it Thalia's way. You can move way faster than she could, just by your nature of being an omnibus."
"A what?"
"Not important. Anyway, you know the sensation of creating lightning. Try," Luke flicked his hand. "Doing this really fast; try and feel the friction and force it into a spark. It's so small that it's impossible to lose control."
"That seems a bit…optimistic," Jason said, though he did try it. It took him a few tries, but eventually, he was able to feel it. Once he did, the spark appeared and stayed contained in his palm. It was the first time he was able to get a good look at, what was in practice, lightning in a bottle, only instead of glass, it was a bottle of Jason's will. He closed his hand into a fist, and the lightning seemed to fizzle out like a match.
"Nice, good work," Luke said. "Okay, so this shows us that your powers and hers can work the same. You probably just took different progression paths and ideas when you discovered it. Okay, now, make a spark just like that, only like you normally do."
"But-"
"No 'but's; you can do this."
Taking another deep breath, Jason held his hand out, and held the wrist with his other. Within a few seconds, the air about his palm heated up, until sparks prickled on his fingertips. He gave it a little more oomph, and then sparks flew out unexpectedly. "Ah!" Jason shook his head, putting out the sparks like he would a flame. "See, it doesn't work like that."
"Okay, okay, no, that's good. So we've established that you lose control not from the lightning itself, but because you seem to have difficulty controlling forces that feed directly off of your energy. Well, maybe not entirely; I guess it's more accurate to say the forces created from your energy. And before you say it, it's not exclusively for your lightning. I've seen you do your sonic screams and thunderclaps, and you can't control those either, at least in the same way you can't control your lightning. You can control it in that it relies on your body's natural movement and muscles to generate the effect, so you could control your sonic screams in that you can choose to scream louder or softer like you normally could, same with the force of how hard you clap. But my guess is that it takes the same amount of energy. As well, it's not like you can control which direction your claps go in; it's a full spherical boom, right?"
Jason nodded, quickly picking it up. "And with my wind, it's not like I create the wind, I just use what's around me. So maybe I'd lose control of like super-breath, or whatever it would be?"
"Maybe, though it may function like your screams. I don't know. As well, just because we know this doesn't mean you can't use your innate energy. Percy uses his to create water, to great effect. You may not be able to use your power in the same way, but you should be able to use it in creative ways."
Jason crossed his arms, falling into thought. "…This is new to me; I never really tried thinking it through like this…what if I used my body as a conduit?"
"How do you mean?"
"Like, I make lightning using the hand thing and then use my own power to amplify it, or something?"
"It…could work. For now, let's focus on getting the basics down, though, yeah? Alright, going on with my observations, I've noticed that when you do use your lightning, you're using it exclusively. Is that true?"
"Well, yeah. I really need to focus, so I can't be flying at the same time or anything. But with this, if I can work with it enough, then maybe I could."
"No way; too advanced," Luke said. "We're trying to do things that you can pick up and use immediately. If I had to guess, mastering using both at once might take years. Thalia couldn't even use wind, and it still took her years to master lightning. And I'm betting it took you years to master wind, right?"
Jason nodded. Luke was right on the money; it was sometimes scary how accurate he could be. "Wait, there was one time that I used both; against Percy, I flew as I used my lightning," he said quickly, having just thought of it. "But…I also lost control, I think. It's…hard to remember. You know when you're mad and you see red? It's like that, but white and literal; my body works on its own."
"Like a defense mechanism," Luke surmised. "Good to know, but not very relevant since it's not reliable. You said when you use lightning, you have to truly focus on it, right? Does the same hold true for your wind?"
"At first, it was like that, because it was so new. By the time I turned seven or eight, though, I was flying through the air with no problem."
"Okay. On that line of thought, for now, for today, I want you to focus entirely on your wind. I'm going to push you harder than you could've ever pushed yourself."
"What…what do you mean?"
"I mean, I want you to forget your lightning even exists. I want you to focus all of your power on making your wind its strongest. Then, once you've mastered that, we're going to do the same for your lightning. Given your talents, I'm giving you a day to do the former."
Jason grimaced. "You're expectations are too high."
"Are they?" Luke smirked. "Fly around. Go fast, push yourself. When you can move fast enough, I won't be able to stop you from landing. Then you can stop."
"…You're insane."
"Yep."
Author's Note:
So I'm actually pretty apprehensive about posting this particular chapter, because usually explaining too much about a power system is narrative suicide, especially if you write it somewhat fast and loose during the action scenes. That said, I feel like I really need to differentiate Jason's joruney back from the brink, from Percy's in The Cruel Spider. Both happen in the fourth act of the story, both suffered a major moral and physical defeat as the climax of the third act, and both need to be in a position of dominance and confidence come the end of the fourth act to lead into their acting on their revelations come the fifth act.
So yeah, I need things to be different. So, instead of a straight-up inspiration derived from the power of love (it was way cooler than that in TCS, I promise), Jason here takes a more practical approach in truly thinking through and attempting to work through his problems. But enough out of me, let me know what you thought!
But with that, I'll see you all tomorrow!
