God i forgot how much I loved doing this. Surprise! Yeah, I originally was going to leave this until thanksgiving but . . . well, this is my chapter to talk about the end of my childhood. Seriously guys. Naruto is over. Yeah, they're talking about a mini part 3 and the last movie but honestly? It's done. And . . . that's nearly ten years of my life that it had a hold of. Whew! I'll talk more about it at the bottom so for now . . . I wish i could give you guys the Lost Tower chapter now, but that's not until chapter 55. Chapter 53 is a bunch of silliness and a "filler" along with the "filler" chapter 54. Just remember:
'This' is the book.
This is the group from the past.
And this is the television.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto does.
Chapter Fifty-three
Always in Moderation, Uzumaki Naruto!
"Geez Kakashi, you can't just make my heart give out like that!" Kushina whines, arms restricting the very embarrassed Kakashi and preventing him from escaping her therapeutic cuddling. "I've got to focus on Naru-chan, but you pull stuff like last chapter and it's not nice~!"
"Sensei. Please! Please, get Kushina off of me." Kakashi whimpers, genuinely believing a fever will develop if he gets any redder.
"Aw, but it's cute." Minato grins.
"Hey Kushina-chan! Me next?" Obito sings happily, only to be stopped by a tanned fist to his cranium. "But sensei, you said it was cute!"
"For Kakashi. You stay the hell away." Minato jokes, pulling Obito along by the collar as they settle back into their seats. "Kushina, come on back in the seat. We have another chapter to read!"
"That's right." Kushina realizes, abruptly dropping Kakashi and not even realizing that due to her height advantage the boy had been dangling above the floor, meaning she just dropped him like nothing. "Oh, and Kurama reads!"
"You have entirely too much fun with my name." Kurama mutters with a chuckle, taking the book. "Okay . . . what now . . ."
Naruto glances at the tree line. All he sees are waving branches in the spring breeze. Shrugging, he returns to his notepad, writing down whatever prose comes to mind. The editor was hounding Jiraiya, thus Jiraiya was hounding Naruto, to start a third book and make it snappy. Both of course, ask (read: demand) some more mature scenes time around. Like all the other times, they will be disappointed. Take it or leave it, and with all the cash the editor is raking in from the books, the greedy bastard would inevitably end up taking it. Barking makes him look over to the back porch, where Yuuta runs after a dragonfly.
"I want a puppy~" Obito whines, blushing at the mere thought of the cute, oh so soft little baby animals.
"I want you to find your balls again." Kakashi mutters in disgust.
Raising his head, he speaks to no one in particular. "What's better: heat or cold?"
"Heat!" Kushina, Obito, Jiraiya and Tsunade say.
"Cold." Kakashi and Minato answer simply.
"I'm on the middle. Warm is best." Rin opines, smiling gently. "You, Kurama?"
"Sizzling." Kurama chuckles.
Katsu, tending to the flowers a few yards away, turns to him. She narrows her eyes and cocks her head, the large floppy sunhat shielding her at all times from the sun's rays. "What are you talking about?"
Naruto cocks his head in the same direction. "I'm asking—" without pause, he tucks his body and rolls, Fuu flying overhead, one leg extended in what could have been a nasty kick. Due to her shock at him rolling under the attack, she unfortunately crashes straight into a tree. Rolling back up, Naruto finishes the question. "What's better, heat or cold?"
He turns to Fuu, who slid down the tree and now flops onto her back, her entire face red and her lips bloody. "Nice try, you almost had me."
"Almost." Fuu agrees sourly. "I think cold is better!"
"No way, wouldn't it be heat?" Katsu argues. "Cold just makes you tense. Heat makes you melt!" she grabs Yuuta when the puppy runs past and cuddles him close, dropping a kiss on his head before letting him go. Yuuta, with no target in sight, ambles around Katsu's body and sniffs at the flowers.
"Who wants to melt?" Fuu asks disgustedly, nose wrinkling. "Just a pile of goo, no will to move . . . cold keeps you alert! And it can be very refreshing. Wait, is this like a weather question?"
"No, but your comments do help." Naruto admits, turning back to his notebook. "I'm at a bit of a writer's block I must admit. All this shinobi badassery has hardened me a little, and I find it difficult to write sweet shit."
"Shinobi badassery?" Minato snorts, amused with his son's lingual skills.
"The fact that you called it sweet shit lets me know how dire the situation is." Katsu snorts. "Why don't you just ask Jiraiya?"
All three burst out laughing, the joke hitting right on.
"Well fuck you too." Jiraiya snaps.
"Well sensei it is true. Your idea of romance always ends up in the bedroom." Minato points out.
"Whose side are you on brat?" Jiraiya demands.
"My son's stupid sensei." Minato smiles gently, mild tone only further darkening Jiraiya's mood.
"Quiet." The sleepy murmur silences them as it intends to, the young adults looking up towards a tree near the house. "Isn't it too lovely a day to be so . . . boisterous?"
"Just because you want to take a nap Kurama," Naruto scoffs, looking between the leaves and seeing the flash of bright hair. "Is Chomei already asleep?"
"Nearly there darling." A pale hand pokes out of the leaves, waving languidly before retreating.
The semi-release of Chomei happened about a week ago, once all the business with Hiruko had passed.
"How wonderful! Fuu's really acclimated well to Konoha and now there's another bijuu to know." Rin enthuses, clapping her hands together eagerly.
Naruto had shown Fuu how to create the seal, but after her disastrous attempts to even copy it he ordered her to never try it without him. Well, it was easy to just place it on her body . . . Chomei had at first come out in her bijuu form. She, like almost all the other bijuu had no memory of a life before being part of the Jyuubi, and so they helped her create a human body to blend in better.
"No memory . . . does that mean they were not there before the Jyuubi?" Minato asks Kurama.
Kurama nods seriously. "More than likely this is so. I may not have known every single subject in my Kingdom, but at least a few of the bijuu would have made me take notice, if for no other reason than their strange forms."
She chose a body similar to Fuu. In fact, it was Fuu's body. Chomei just changed or added a few things. Like changing the mint green shoulder length hair to thick magenta waves past her shoulders, making her skin pale, and changing the orange eyes to lustrous emerald green.
"So, what's the problem?" Fuu's voice knocks him out of his thoughts. "Just write romantic, sappy stuff. You know— kissy kissy, fondle, grope, whatever." She shrugs, hands rolling in a 'go with it' fashion.
"She's got the same idea of romance you do Jiraiya. Perhaps there is your chance for an apprentice in the Pervert Arts." Tsunade points out with overflowing sarcasm.
"If that's your idea of romance . . ." Katsu trails off, looking put out and exasperated. She straightens up from her kneeling position at the flower beds and walks to Naruto, pulling off her dirt-covered gloves. "How do you usually get into the zone for writing romance?"
Naruto thinks about it. "I don't know . . . I mean, it's a beautiful day! I should be pouring out page after page of sweet nothings. The sun is shining, the breeze is lovely, I've got beautiful people surrounding me . . ." he pouts. "But in this atmosphere, all I feel right now is cuddly. Cuddling is all I can do." To emphasize the point he pulls down Katsu and wraps her in his arms, nuzzling the back of her neck with his nose.
"Sometimes cuddling is all you need." Kushina sighs happily, leaning into Minato.
"How sappy, Habanero-chan." Kurama observes, startling a laugh from Kushina along with the others.
"Isn't that enough then?" Fuu points out, spread out on the grass. When Naruto shakes his head, still quiet as he cuddles with his girlfriend she sighs explosively. "What is it that you're looking for?" she cries, wriggling around to her stomach.
"No . . . you know, I write best after an adrenaline rush! The story I'm writing, it's all really powerful and dramatic. I need— overflowing emotions and passions! Like— like a volcano! Flames and . . . storming emotions. I just can't think of anything right now without it turning into some big violent scene." Naruto expresses forlornly, rubbing his cheek on Katsu's shoulder. Yuuta plods over to them and sniffs at Naruto's ankles. Naruto rubs the puppy's back, pushing his back down until the puppy sits.
"So you need . . . a demonstration of powerful, passionate emotions?" Kurama asks, poking his head out upside-down from the leafy covering of the trees.
"Yeah." Naruto nods.
"Passionate emotions you say . . . like, seeing someone lose something precious?" Katsu speaks up, and Naruto raises his head slowly from her shoulder as he looks at her. The borderline cruel smirk on her face alarms him.
"I have a bad feeling about this." Kakashi mutters darkly.
"Of course. Who else does she pick to torture besides you Kakashi?" Rin chirps far too cheerfully.
"I . . . I suppose . . ." Naruto allows, an ominous feeling creeping up on him.
"I have a grand idea! You just have to make sure he doesn't hurt me okay?" Katsu chirps, clapping her hands delightedly.
"Why can't she just leave me alone?" Kakashi warbles miserably.
"Ooh, I want to see this." Kurama chuckles. He disappears in a cloud of smoke, returning to the seal.
Kakashi sprawled on his couch, not having any missions to do today and not in the mood for any public outings. In his hands was the latest Icha Icha, published only about a month ago. Kakashi smiles giddily— ever since Jiraiya-sama had taken Naruto on as a student, the Icha Icha had been coming out with a regularity and quality that made the jounin overjoyed!
"Honestly if I'm so enamored with them, can they really be trash . . . ?" Kakashi muses near silently.
"Yes." Tsunade and Kushina maintain adamantly.
Yes . . . the sun shining into his apartment, belly full from lunch, and a new Icha Icha . . . life was good.
The lock clicks as it unlocks from the outside and the door is swung open wide before being shut with a rattling bang. "I'm coming in!" the jubilant voice hollers.
Life was good. "Don't you have work today Katsu?" Kakashi sighs tiredly, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"Nope." The girl answers simply, striding right past him to his room. Kakashi watches her suspiciously before returning to his book. She was probably coming around for some random inspection, as she was so wont to do. Perhaps, if he let her do as she wished, he'd get a cooked dinner out of this . . . and a chocolate cake.
"Kakashi!" The girl's accusatory bark made him grit his teeth. Do it for the cake, he chants to himself. "Don't you do laundry at all?!"
"You should be nicer to her, you definitely need a woman to look after you!" Rin scolds Kakashi. "If I'm not there then it's best she picks up the slack. Goodness knows you wouldn't eat proper meals otherwise."
"Yeah, you're totally right, the future elite jounin really needs constant supervision." Kakashi mocks.
"Don't act so high and mighty. Your flake sensei here," Kushina lectures while jabbing Minato in the arm. "Often needs me to bring him meals otherwise he skips them. Not to mention the laundry . . . ! So many damn ink stains and it seems it's only an Uzumaki trick to keep clean while creating seals!"
"Wow. Tear me down, why don't you." Minato deadpans.
Kakashi is offended. "I did laundry three days ago." He assures her, a trifle defensive. He hears her rummage around his room and sighs in defeat, content to let her do whatever she wished. She stomps out his room again, and suddenly the book is yanked from his fingers. He stares at his empty hand before turning to look at Katsu, clutching a large sack that looks surprisingly lumpy on her back.
"I'll be taking this." She waves the new Icha Icha around before she shuts the door behind her and leaves the apartment. As soon as the latch clicks Kakashi scrambles up and runs to his room, dropping to his knees at the horror before him.
All his Icha Icha. GONE.
"So that's what she meant." Minato laughs.
Every single book. GONE.
"How did you not see that coming oh great future elite jounin?" Rin mocks.
The new Icha Icha . . . GONE.
A frantic destruction of the room proves that she'd even taken the back-up copies. All of it . . . . GONE!
"She did the job properly." Tsunade notes, impressed.
Meanwhile, Sakura, Ino, and Hinata are making their way to the hot springs for some well-deserved rest and relaxation combined with a girl's outing.
"It's been a while since we could do this." Ino mewls, back arching as she stretches.
"It's been pretty busy lately hasn't it?" Hinata agrees. "Even otou-sama is wondering why I've been going on so many missions lately. Not to mention all the Jyuuken training I've been doing."
"Let me tell you, taking all those extra shifts at the hospital is killing me!" Sakura moans, rubbing her right shoulder with a firm hand. "Tsunade-sama won't give me a break!"
"If you want to be as good as me, and not need a war to do it, then you won't complain!" Tsunade snaps.
"Well, we're going to get one now so let's not waste it." Hinata soothes, giggling gently. She stops though, and cocks her head to the side. "Do you guys hear that?"
"Yeah, it's . . ." Ino turns and points, then balks. "Why is Katsu running?"
The other two turn and see what Ino sees. It's Katsu, wild orange hair a thick banner in the wind bounding towards them with fantastic speed as she howls with both laughter and fear. Bouncing along her back was a large, lumpy looking sack that she clutched with a death grip.
"Hinata!" Katsu both screams and laughs, and they're not sure if the situation is serious or not. She blows by them but her scream echoes behind her. "I took Kakashi's Icha Icha books stall him for me~!"
It's only when she's completely out of sight, her howling gales of laughter disappearing slowly after her that her words register. Ino gasps. "She said she—"
"Yes." Sakura whispers.
Hinata's Byakugan blazes as she looks where Katsu was running from. "He's coming—"
Ino grins. "Are we going to—?"
"Shannaro!" Sakura growls with a vicious smirk, looking at the leaping blur she knows is her sensei.
"This will be interesting." Kakashi admits, despite still being put out with the torture his future self will receive.
"KUROSHIO!" Kakashi howls, Sharingan blazing and snarl pronounced even through his mask. "I! WILL! GET! YOU!"
"Not today, sensei!" Sakura howls, leaping for the man. Kakashi deftly dodges and pins Sakura with an errant kunai thrown through a fold of her top into a building. It'll take her a minute to get out of that, and he can travel far in a minute.
"Not off to a good start." Kushina grimaces. "Well, then again this is Kakashi . . ."
"Oh no you don't!" Sakura yells, clutching senbon in her fist and throwing them with deadly accuracy. She's not as good as Shizune, but she knows a thing or two. Kakashi dodges out of the way of the projectiles, straight into Hinata's chakra-laced palms. Kakashi's Sharingan, however, trumps the less experienced Byakugan with its holder's far superior speed and power. In one minute Hinata is tossed aside into a pile of blankets, and then Ino is upon him with a Mind Transfer Jutsu.
"Excellent teamwork, especially as I'm sure Kakashi is less inclined to hold back while there's something important he needs back." Minato addresses in a sly tone. "Overall I'm rather proud of those children."
Kakashi goes rigid, and Sakura is now free to tie Kakashi up. "Hurry!" Ino gasps. "his will is too . . . strong . . ."
"Give me another minute!" Sakura begs, wrapping ninja wire around his arms, trapping up to his elbows. "Okay . . . just a little more . . ."
Kakashi's voice comes out strangled and strained, as Ino relays the situation. "He's . . . going . . . to esca—"
"Too late." Kakashi's voice has changed, and Ino's gasp alerts Sakura to a failure in the plan when suddenly she's head over heels into the same pile of blankets Hinata had previously left. How did he escape the ninja wire? Probably kawarimi again.
Sakura scrambles up, and her intuition is right. Kakashi is long gone, Ino just sits on the ground in a shock, and it is Hinata who struggles in the loops of ninja wire.
"Well that was, what? Three or four minutes. Not bad." Sakura muses, propping her fist up on her chin. Really good, considering they took on a borderline S-rank pervert who had his porn stolen from him.
"That's fantastic in my book!" Obito chirps.
"They could have done far better." Kurama grumbles.
"Oh, you're such a perfectionist Kurama." Kushina softly chides.
"Well girls!" Sakura claps her hands together and removes herself from the bed of blankets. "I believe we were off to the hot springs?"
Katsu pants, the fear and hilarity a heady mix in her blood as she tears across the training grounds of Team Seven. The bridge is just up ahead, no one there. For a minute fear overtakes the fun of the situation but she reminds herself that Naruto certainly wouldn't want her to die a messy death by the hands of Kakashi. He'd uphold his end of the bargain.
"Oh please I wouldn't kill you. Put you in a coma, sure, but kill you? No." Kakashi tries to reassure.
Katsu's legs burn but she pushes past that and brings forth a new spurt of speed to make it to the bridge, her safety point! The red bridge comes closer . . . closer . . . !
Suddenly she's weightless and there's a pressure around her stomach. A shriek tears itself from her throat as her vision blurs from the fast movement, her back pressed to cloth covering firm muscle. It's over quickly, just in two seconds though it takes longer for her mind to realize that so she can calm down. The sack is now gone from her hands, and she looks around frantically. If she lost that sack . . . !
"I've got it." A warm chuckle by her ear makes her sag with relief.
"Naruto . . . !" Katsu laughs breathlessly, turning her head to look at the wicked grin on Naruto's face. "I thought my death was near!"
"Come on, I'm not nearly that scary." Kakashi scoffs. Obito and Rin cough, earning a glare from him.
"Compared to . . ." Kakashi looks at them pointedly. Obito and Rin make similar noises of recognition and then laugh.
"Yeah you're right. Or how about that other one . . ." Rin agrees giggling.
"There's very little scarier than that person." Obito sighs.
"Who?" Jiraiya asks but he's ignored, making him growl in indignation.
"No, but it is glaring at you with a fury." Naruto points out regretfully, looking forward. Katsu sees why Naruto turned her world around in such a quick motion. Where she had just been, Kakashi's fist is now buried in the ground. He crouches like a wild thing, body tense and dare she say faintly trembling?
"You— you pulled out the Sharingan for this?!" Katsu splutters, shrinking back into Naruto's embrace at the sight of the red eye, its three black tomoe spinning slowly.
"Dude. Overkill." Obito wags a finger in disappointment.
"That's so much overkill Kakashi." Naruto chides.
"Give me the books . . . and I won't maim you." Kakashi plays diplomat, but it's not the kind of negotiation they would like.
Naruto growls, slit pupils looking large and nearly bisecting the irises. "Cool it Kakashi . . ."
"Looks like you're the one knocking on death's door this time." Tsunade snickers.
"He's still a few years too early to beat me." Kakashi maintains but there's no denying he's a little nervous.
"Whoa, whoa, there!" Asuma chuckles, now appearing in a swirl of leaves. "What's all this about?"
"Katsu stole Kakashi's Icha Icha and now he's being mean." Naruto pouts, keeping his eyes trained on Kakashi. The man was still very fast, and his reaction times were sharp so it would be best not to even blink.
Asuma snorts, plucking the unlit cigarette from between his lips and grinning at Kakashi. "You knew this day was coming Kakashi. Let's just give him the books back; I'm sure he's learned his lesson now."
Katsu is ready to protest but a stern whisper of, "Do it," from Naruto makes her pause before the words come out. With a petulant sigh, she nods in agreement. Naruto kisses the top of her head and releases her to start walking towards Kakashi.
Kakashi straightens up, still glaring but it's not as dark as before, and walks towards Naruto.
Naruto's hand clutching the sack of books stretches out towards Kakashi. Kakashi reaches for it.
A snake comes between them and rips the sack from Kakashi's hands, slithering quickly into the brush with the sack dragging along with it.
"A wild Anko has appeared!" Obito exclaims.
Naruto and Kakashi both look at the younger man's now empty hand. ". . . that wasn't me." Naruto says dumbly.
"Oh I know who it is," Kakashi mutters darkly. The name is spoken with a snarl, "Anko."
Half-crazed feminine laughter echoes all around them before the woman in question shows herself, flipping into their space. Anko's smirk is particularly smug, with an edge of bloodthirsty as she eyes the two. "You better believe it scarecrow." Anko taunts. "Years of waiting, and now the opportunity to fuck with you has presented itself on a diamond platter. I've always wanted a fight without you holding back or running away . . . this is going to be so much fun."
"Man Anko I wish you'd consider. The bastard over here can be right vicious under the right circumstances." Obito mumbles under his breath, but Kakashi hears it clearly.
"Why thank you." Kakashi accepts the words graciously, smirking at Obito's glare.
"Anko, just give me the books back and no one has to get hurt." Naruto tries calmly to appeal to whatever smidgeon of rationality or self-preservation Anko has, because Kakashi looks a hair away from a meltdown.
"Not a chance brat. Step aside and watch how real ninjas fight." Anko grins delightedly, reaching for her weapons pouch on the back of her right hip, the trench coat shifting provocatively.
"Ten on Anko!" Jiraiya claims.
"I'll raise you ten on that bet." Tsunade growls excitedly.
"Now, now, as . . . thorough a teacher as Orochimaru must be I must back my own pupil." Minato murmurs, smiling gently.
"I've gotta go with Anko on this one, I know her." Obito admits apologetically.
"No one's going to vote for Asuma? No doubt he's getting pulled into this. I'll go for the Sarutobi." Kushina grins.
Auma sighs, tucking the cigarette behind his left ear and stepping forward. "You both will destroy a training ground if I let you fight. Anko, remember if you step another toe out of line it's going on your record. Kakashi . . . don't give Hokage-sama an excuse."
"How did you even know to come here Asuma-oji?" Katsu asks curiously, edging away from the standoff.
"Oh, Ino came barreling past the barbeque shop laughing with Sakura and Hinata but she looked pretty ruffled. So I asked, she divulged, and here we are. I was impressed they managed to block Kakashi like this for even one minute, let alone four." Asuma explains, chuckling.
"Asuma, get the books for me and no one gets hurt." Kakashi orders.
"I don't think I like that tone of yours Kakashi." Asuma muses, rubbing his bearded chin.
"Yeah," Anko smirks, spinning kunai on her pointer fingers. "Think about all those years he took that tone with you Asuma. And let the justice roll."
A new voice enters the equation, one that makes Naruto groan in dismay. "You're not starting the party without me are you?!" The eager demand is the introduction for Genma, leaping forward to stand a couple feet from Kakashi, facing Anko and Asuma. "Just when I was about to head to the training grounds . . . spars are the best way to train!"
"Ooh! I bet on Genma!" Rin yells happily.
"You got a crush on him or something?" Kakashi asks, frowning at the lack of loyalty.
"No, he's just awesome." Rin pouts, sticking her tongue out.
No words were said past this, the four facing off in a deadlock. Naruto backs away to stand with Katsu, an arm around her waist in case he had to get them to safety quickly. The tension increased, slowly rising like water in a sinking ship.
"Whoever moves first is at a disadvantage usually." Kushina murmurs.
"If they're weak." Kurama adds quietly.
A flicker of movement is all the warning Naruto has, grabbing Katsu and leaping away high into the air— good instinct. Anko's attack spread far into the earth, the place where they were standing and several yards past it cracked and broken. Naruto twists around, Katsu crushed to his chest as they avoid a volley of lightning and kunai.
Dropping to a tree, Naruto releases Katsu and breathes a sigh of relief when he sees humor in her small smile, looking down at the fleeting blurs that make up a jounin battle, playful or not. "You sure know how to take a girl's breath away." She jokes, glancing at Naruto for just a second before a ringing clap like two rocks colliding make her look back at the fight.
"Good experience to see a jounin spar session. Even better experience to throw yourself into the thick of it." Minato grins, the reckless notion unusual from the usually careful man.
Naruto chuckles. "Geez, maybe baa-chan is running low on missions. They obviously have way too much energy."
"I think it's fun to watch them having fun." Katsu giggles. "You shinobi have strange definitions of the word though. Oh, so . . . getting any ideas?"
"That certainly was a lot of heightened emotion." Naruto agrees but then his left hand whips up and catches the heel of a geta sandal before it hits his face, arm trembling from impact and the strain to keep steady. "Hello sensei."
"Oh wimpy student of mine!" Jiraiya returns the greeting with a jovial insult. "You know, if an author wants to convincingly write an emotion he should experience it for himself. Go on and get some first-hand emotional experience."
Kushina frowns. "I don't know if this is the jounin spar Naruto particularly wants to get thrown into. It seems to me like Kakashi and Anko play very rough."
"I'm good right here thanks." Naruto denies gently, now using two hands as Jiraiya starts leaning all his weight into the pushing foot. The branch cracks underneath them but neither man is willing to give in.
Jiraiya just grins. He then shoves a large amount of chakra from the sole of his foot, breaking the branch with a splitting crack and jetting Naruto straight into Asuma's back. Jiraiya leaps away, Katsu just barely managing to get on the same branch shakily. She glares at Jiraiya and cries, "A little warning next time would be great!"
"I knew you would make it." Jiraiya waves away her complaints, instead focusing on his student participating in the jounin free-for-all. "Hmm . . . we still need to work on his reflexes. It's to be expected though— you know his father had naturally sharp reflexes that could make your head spin. Naruto's only got that to a lesser degree so he's got to train a little harder to reach his father's benchmark let alone surpass it."
Minato looks to Jiraiya. "Even though I fully believe Naruto can surpass me, I hope you're not training him into a replacement of me sensei."
"As if I could." Jiriaya chuckles. "There's no way on this earth Naruto could ever be like you and that's a good thing."
"Give him a month." Katsu proclaims proudly, laughing aloud when someone goes flying. Hard to tell who when everyone is charred and smoked.
"Always great to have unending support." Obito laughs.
"Shit!" Naruto curses, back flipping from Genma's axe kick and then spinning around Anko, hooking his arm with her's and giving her an extra boost of speed to lunge for Genma with kunai in each hand. Not even a second to breath and then Kakashi's face is inches away and he has no time to block the powerful punch that meets his jaw. He goes skidding across the ground like a skipping stone across a pond, craters where his body made painful contact with the earth. He coughs harshly and forces his body to lunge to the side, avoiding a collision with Asuma as he is similarly sent back.
"It seems like he's a little overwhelmed." Tsunade smiles a little reluctantly.
"Your first jounin spar is always a little overwhelming." Kakashi notes sympathetically.
"Fuuton: Drilling Air Bullets!" Naruto spits out globs of piercing, drilling wind spheres, forcing Kakashi and Genma to dodge as Anko adds a katon jutsu to strengthen it. From the muffled yet high curse Naruto hears, at least one of them was marked.
"Your ass is mine!" Anko laughs hysterically, snakes flying from her sleeves and one particularly large python winding up from her hips, around her waist, to form a loose collar around her neck waiting for an opportunity to strike.
"Not a chance," Kakashi growls, slipping past the snakes but dodging the vigilant python. A kunai suddenly sinks into his thigh just above his knee and he winces in surprise. "What—"
"Get him Naruto!" Asuma laughs, the one who threw the kunai.
Naruto, adding chakra to his legs, is only a whisper of wind displacement he's so fast to make sure Kakashi can't escape. "Payback," Naruto roars with savage delight as his fist literally sinks into Kakashi's cheek, the skin and muscle giving way for a brief moment before momentum hits Kakashi. "with compound interest!" Kakashi rockets away, spinning like a torpedo from the way the fist hit and then twisted inside his face. When Kakashi hits the ground, the impact is so great his lower half tries to flip him around as is customary but his upper half is firmly lodged in the ground and so he only succeeds in nearly breaking his spine.
Everyone in the room winces, some even flinching in further commiseration after the unholy haymaker Naruto dealt the older version of Kakashi.
"Damn Naruto, you're too vengeful!" Kakashi whimpers, rubbing his jaw to ease the phantom pain.
Genma is quick to seek revenge for the fallen Hatake, spitting out multiple senbon and only half hitting its mark. Naruto's right arm is completely limp and there's a stinging pain in his collarbone. Without his other arm most of his jutsu is completely useless so he can only kawarimi, make clones, and blow out streams of fire.
"It's very lucky he knows how to do even a few things without hand seals otherwise that would have meant his immediate loss or even death had this been a serious fight with an enemy." Kurama chides, looking displeased. "We'll definitely need to work on that."
While Asuma assists Naruto with futon jutsus and his trusty chakra knuckle blades, Anko sprints to where Kakashi is still stuck in the ground, leaping up and then coming down with a punishing heel in Kakashi's sternum. Kakashi convulses violently, eye bulging . . . and then he pops into smoke.
"Oh shi—" A fist just under her jaw halts her curse and she hits the ground head over heels. Kakashi pants lightly, glaring at her grumbling form down on the ground. His jounin vest is half burnt, the right sleeve became a three-quarters sleeve somewhere during the fight, multiple rips and cuts riddle his legs and arms and the part of the mask where Naruto delivered his punishing blow had disintegrated, revealing puffy and violently bruised flesh. Kakashi was quite sure his jaw was sporting a fracture, most likely hairline.
"Alright. It's been fun, but you know how this ends. We always end up at the hospital, with the Hokage scolding us and giving us a month of D-ranks to make up for trashing a training ground. And that was just the Sandaime." Kakashi mutters exhaustedly. "Just give up."
Minato sends an admonishing look to his student. "This is a repeat offense Kakashi? And here you had me fooled that you were so calm and controlled."
"If you truly knew Anko, sensei, you wouldn't say that." Obito defends Kakashi, who claps the Uchiha on the back in gratitude.
"There's nothing that will stop me from getting my pound of flesh!" Anko hisses, very in tune with the python still wound around her that had remarkably not dispelled to its summoning world yet.
"Oh really?" The smooth purr freezes everyone in the vicinity, even Jiraiya and Katsu far ahead. The heeled foot steps delicately into the sun from its perch in the shade, and the impressively fearsome form of Senju Tsunade regards everyone with an icy look that sends the previously hot temperature spiraling down. "Nothing?"
The jounin know better than to utter a peep under the hawk-like gaze of their caretakers as Shizune, and another nurse tend to their wounds. Naruto knows no such boundaries.
"Tch. It's not even anything to waste chakra over, everything will heal by tomorrow morning." Naruto grumbles mutinously as he leans away from the mystic palm hovering over a cut on his torso. The other hand comes up like a whip across the back of his head, startling a yelp from him.
"Quit your whining." Tsunade snaps. "You're overdue for a check-up anyway. You know it was supposed to be a month ago? Then the whole Hiroki thing happened . . . now's the perfect time."
"Of course the child gets your personal and special care." Minato teases Tsunade.
"Family first." Tsunade sniffs, trying hard to project an unfazed appearance in the face of Minato's maddeningly mild smile hiding the smugness beneath.
Naruto groans, wishing he could just be treated quickly like the others. Instead he had been hauled off by way of pulled ear to a private room so that Tsunade could assuage her delusions of control over his person. Feh.
"Delusions?" Tsunade thunders.
"Drop that line of thinking, whatever it may be, before I drop you." Tsunade warns, waving a thermometer under his nose dangerously before shoving it under his tongue.
Naruto mumbles something around it, something like, "How do you know what I was thinking?"
Tsunade responds smartly. "I may not know exactly what but I know it was rude, I could tell by the look on your face. Thirty-seven point seventy-eight degrees Celsius. Still running hot, but it seems your temperature has stopped climbing after your sixteenth birthday. I suppose you circulate your chakra at a cool temperature so no one burns up standing near you in the summer?"
"You suppose correctly." Naruto nods. "Why do we even have to do this? Thanks to Kurama I'm, like, a doctor's worst nightmare. The man with literally perfect health."
"There's no such thing as perfect." Tsunade sniffs. "I vividly recall the head cold you had two weeks ago."
"For a day!"
"Point is you had it." Tsunade dismisses his retort. "So even you should take care . . ."
"You're so cautious Tsunade." Kushina giggles happily, enjoying hearing the rumored soft side of the fiery Senju woman.
she pauses when a nurse comes in and brings Naruto's blood work. "Thank you." After the short dismissal she reads through Naruto's chart. Her brow furrows as she reads through the pages, then flicks further in the back of the report, and switches between the two. "Naruto . . . what does your diet consist of?"
"The blood of my enemies and the flesh of their loved ones accompanied by the occasional salad dressed with delightful vinaigrette, why?" Naruto responds, cringing when Tsunade raises a hand in warning.
"Ba-dum-tss!" Obito hisses out and pantomimes with hands and elbows, forcing giggles from Rin and Kushina.
"Naruto, your blood sugar is very high . . . the normal rate ranges from 60 to 80 milligrams but your blood sugar is 105! Naruto just how many sweets do you eat per day?!" Tsunade demands, slamming a hand on the examination table light enough that it only groans ominously.
"Not that many. Jeez, yesterday there was a big party for one of Katsu's coworkers and I was invited, so that's probably the reason." Naruto assures Tsunade.
"To the point that your body is this affected?" Tsunade asks flatly. "Tell me the truth."
"Well," Naruto admits sheepishly. "Then before that there was a birthday in the jounin lounge and there were these delicious cupcakes . . . and Katsu needed a taste tester for a new recipe and both Shikamaru and I just loved it . . . and then, Hinata wanted to try a new flavoring for her cinnamon bun icing . . . and before that you and I binged on saltwater toffee remember?"
Minato heaves a long suffering sigh. "Naruto, you can get sick eating improperly. You really need to take better care of yourself! Not even a child should snack so much."
"Well . . . even if that's true . . . I can see I'm going to be the fun parent." Kushina taunts.
"Naruto," Tsunade sighs exasperatedly. "Okay. Okay. Um . . . come back next week— do not eat any sweets! I'll take this as just a one-time thing, but from now on please snack healthily! Vegetables and fruits are better alternatives to snack on if you're in the mood than candies. I know Kurama does a good job of keeping you healthy so if your bloodwork is normal by next week I won't bother about this. Truth be told I as well suffered a little after the toffee."
"Awesome Nade, you're the best!" Naruto chirps, bear-hugging Tsunade and giving her a smacking kiss on the cheek. Tsunade cuffs him but Naruto just scampers out of the room without regret, shouting a farewell to her.
The next week Naruto walks out of the hospital with a clean bill of health. And for a time, Tsunade is satisfied that the kid just had a moment of weakness and he's back to tip-top shape. She's always hearing of him at the training grounds with friends or by himself, hearing from Jiraiya when he's in a mood (most always, since he met the brat) to boast about his student, and from Kakashi.
"You boast about my son?" Kushina asks happily, a little teasingly.
"Tsunade's just exaggerating, probably doesn't want to be the only one loosing he edge. I do not boast about brats." Jiraiya harrumphs.
"No, no I distinctly remember a similar occurrence with Minato too." Tsunade taunts, poking Jiraiya's shoulder with a sharp nail. Jiraiya merely waves her off.
A week after the last blood work Tsunade was taking a walk through the village and decided to stop by the Tea House. While grabbing a cup of tea to go she spotted Naruto sharing a lunch with Iruka. Iruka was eating a decent plate of udon. Tsunade saw the empty bowls of what was also probably udon stacked by Naruto's side, and in front of him was the Island Fruit Bowl cake, coconut frosting and sugared strawberries atop a pineapple cake.
"That sounds like a stroke waiting to happen." Tsunade wrinkles her nose.
"It sounds so delicious!" Obito wails, wishing to taste it for himself.
"Whoa, what is he celebrating?" Tsunade snorts to herself in amusement, walking out of the shop.
Three days later, she takes her lunch break at the brats' house and finds she's not the only one. Kakashi tries to sneak a bag of chocolate chips from Katsu's side as she works on a cake, Shikamaru lounges on the sofa with a bowl of peanut butter cookies, Anko molests Hinata and the girl is seconds from fainting, and Kiba and Naruto both focus on beating the other's avatar to bloody scraps on a new video game.
"Always fighting games." Kurama chuckles, looking exasperated. "Brings back memories."
Kiba has a bowl of takoyaki in front of him.
Naruto has a bowl of sugared pineapple nearly completely covered in chocolate with him. Tsunade watches incredulously as he takes a couple chunks and pops them into his mouth.
"Well he's always been a snack freak, going throughout the book. But I think it's gotten much worse form when he was younger." Rin mused nervously, giggling a little.
"Naruto . . . aren't you going to have lunch?" Tsunade asks dubiously.
Naruto looks over his shoulder briefly, a delighted grin on his face. "Nade! I thought you'd be swamped with paperwork right about now. Come on in, lunch is being served in ten minutes . . . homemade sushi sound good to you?"
"Sure, but shouldn't you save some room for that?" Tsunade presses, pointing to the bowl of pineapples and chocolate.
Kiba laughs. "Hokage-sama, you know this kid has a bottomless pit for a stomach! This is just something to tide him over until lunch is served. Can't let this glutton waste away now can we?"
"The only reason I'm so hungry is because I've got a lot of energy to compensate for jerk." Naruto shoots back. "I notice you can barely handle one plate Kiba, would you like some help in making your pitiful chakra coils grow?"
"While what he says is true, he would need a lot of calories to function optimally, he doesn't need to snack so atrociously! Eating fruits and vegetables and lean meats, that's far better!" Tsunade yells, frustrated with her godson's bad habits. She doesn't notice the amused glances the others share or the titters pressed back behind their hands.
"Before that, maybe I should give you some pointers on how not to suck in this game!" Kiba growls, his character doing a sixteen hit combo on Naruto's.
"Fucking cheat!" Naruto cries, and the two dissolve into a jumble of insults and elbow jabs as they seek to win.
The very next day she summons him for a short courier mission to one of their outposts on the edge of Fire and Wind. He appears in a swirl of leaves, three separate sticks of pocky in his mouth.
"Seriously?" Tsunade sighs, tossing the scroll to him. Shizune giggles at her place by the desk holding another folder of paperwork.
Naruto just shrugs, content to suck off the strawberry coating for now.
"Ugh." Minato and Tsunade groan.
"Just get that scroll to the outpost and bring me back the logs for the past three months. Oh, and also get the fiscal report." Tsunade dismisses him, very annoyed with Naruto's now constant snacking.
"The boy's going to eat himself into a sugar-induced coma." Tsunade grumbles, stamping a paper with a little more force than necessary.
Shizune tilts her head. "It's true he could choose better things to eat, but we both know Naruto needs a lot more calories than the average person to function."
"Yes, but he's eating nothing but junk food!" Tsunade argues.
Shizune smiles in amusement but presses a little more. "If he chooses to eat it, and nothing happens to him isn't it fine?"
"No!" Tsunade answers emphatically. "It's a terrible habit. Just thinking of all the fat, and the cavities . . . ugh, that stupid kid why can't he just eat normal food groups. And then he'll come crying to me with a stomachache or worse, and I'll have to fix him up . . ."
Tsunade keeps on ranting about Naruto's irresponsible eating habits, and so never notices Shizune fighting back giggles.
Tsunade was flabbergasted. "What on earth is Shizune . . . ?" She trailed off because at that moment she turns to look at the others and sees them also fighting off their amusement. "Hey!"
Kakashi guffaws. "Godmother is a second mother, right?"
"Hey Naruto," Katsu sings lowly, sliding his order of triple layered chocolate cake in front of the salivating boy.
"Huh?" Naruto grunts, too focused on the gigantic amount of chocolate before him. Next to him, Kakashi poorly stifles a whimper as he takes a whiff of the decadent delight.
"Aw!" Kakashi groans, his image and reputation taking another hit with the group.
"Honestly Kakashi your weakness has been bared. We'll all walk around with chocolate bars in our pockets now to deal with you!" Kushina teases the silver-haired boy.
"You know . . ." Katsu continues slyly, slipping around his back and twining her arms around his shoulders. "Tsunade's been asking me some questions about you."
"That's nice." Naruto mutters, gently pushing his fork into the cake beneath the icing and into its soft interior, pulling out a bite slowly. He reverently places it at his lips before enveloping the morsel.
"Did you just moan?" Katsu guffaws, body trembling from the deep laughs.
Minato takes a deep breath in slowly and puts his hands over his face. "Oh, Naru-chan . . ." he mutters in disappointment.
"Yes." Naruto and Kakashi sob, continuing the reverent worshiping of the tribute to chocolate.
Obito cackles. "The both of you?!"
"Don't you want to know what kind of questions she asked me? And Hinata? And Jiraiya?" Katsu presses, pushing the issue of Naruto's inappropriate ecstasy over confections for a later date.
"Darling, please." Naruto shushes her, gazing adoringly at his slice of cake. "I'm in the center of chocolate Nirvana."
Katsu pouts as Naruto ignores her. She looks over to Kakashi, who is nearly bent double in his seat, hovering protectively over his slice. He spies her looking over at him and his eye narrows warningly. She starts— did he just hiss at her?
"I wonder if he only becomes this much fun because we die?" Obito whispers to Rin, whose eyes widen in shock at the morbid comment before she smiles sympathetically. She doesn't have an answer for him.
"But baby~" Katsu pokes Naruto's cheek. "She's asking us how many times do we see you snacking a day."
"Snacking?" Naruto murmurs between bites. "I don't snack that much."
When not just Katsu snorts, but Kakashi as well, Naruto pauses in eating and looks over at them with wide, confused eyes. "I don't!" he insists.
"Uh, yeah. You do." They reply laughingly.
"Give me an example then." Naruto demands, putting his fork down and crossing his arms.
"On Monday," Katsu begins immediately. "You had two popsicles after breakfast."
"It can't be that hot in the morning. Two popsicles really?" Minato looks unimpressed. "I blame you sensei for getting him started."
"Popsicles were only a reward for finishing training, I only ever gave them to him after he trained in the book!" Jiraiya protests.
"It was a double in one pack!" Naruto protests. "And I offered you the other popsicle but you didn't want it."
"During the mission, when we stopped in the outpost, you had two boxes of pocky and a lollipop." Kakashi adds flatly. "When we returned, you went to Ichiraku's for five bowls of ramen, and then you had a jelly donut. After training with Sakura, you and her shared a six-pack of blueberry muffins and tea."
"Well blueberry muffins aren't too bad. It has real blueberries in it at least. That's fruit." Obito points out, always in Naruto's corner.
"And I bet the jelly in the donut was made from fruit too!" Kushina chirps, more than willing to let her son be spoiled in such a simple way. So what if he loved to eat?
"Before dinner you had a slice of the pound cake at home," Katsu picks it up. "And then for dessert you had a sundae. You used half the ice cream carton for that sundae."
"That is excessive." Tsunade glares at Kushina for her nonchalant stance.
"No, that's a proper sundae." Jiraiya pipes up, siding with Obito and Kushina.
"On Tuesday, we had breakfast and you ordered the sugared buns with maple syrup, and eggs." Kakashi switches again. "Then when we met Genma for drinks later that night you came into the bar finishing off an ice cream cone."
"Ice cream and liquor just go together." Obito chimes. "I should know! Best idea ever, cookie dough ice cream and a chaser."
"Obito we'll be having a talk about your habits. All of your habits, you three." Minato warns his team.
"Wednesday through Friday I can't be sure because you had a mission then. But judging by how empty the cabinet's been lately, you probably had a lot more candy. Gummy bears, really?" Katsu reminds him.
"And now, here we are, gorging on chocolate." Kakashi finishes off. "And I believe you had plans to order a crepe after this."
"Well, crepes are full of fruit." Naruto mutters rebelliously. "So what are you saying, I snack too much?"
"Too much is an understatement. You act like snacks are going out of style." Katsu retorts.
"Sometimes I look at those stick thin fan girls and I have to wonder . . ." Rin muses, prompting snorts of laughter from Obito and Kakashi.
"It's not my fault." Naruto whines. "There are extenuating circumstances! Not to mention you don't ever stop baking!"
"I don't shove the cakes down your throat fat ass." Katsu snaps.
Naruto gasps. "My ass is not fat! It is perfectly toned!"
Obito, Jiraiya, and Kushina burst into raucous guffaws. "That's the way, my student!" Jiraiya wheezes between laughs.
"Either way Chubby," Kakashi butts in, ignoring Naruto's scandalized choking sound. "Tsunade's fixing to go on the war path. So maybe you want to be a little more discreet with your sweets obsession."
"Ah, shit." Naruto grumbles, dragging a hand down his face. "Ok. I'm going to finish this cake really quickly and then I'm taking a long mission out of here."
"Don't just take a mission for that kind of excuse!" Rin scolds. Fun or not, she was a medic first and if Tsuande-sama saw fit to curb him (her bias and overprotectiveness not withstanding) then she would inevitably side with the older woman.
"Well how long are we talking." Katsu demands forlornly. Naruto smiles reassuringly, kissing her and unintentionally leaving a stain of chocolate on her bottom lip.
"A month, it shouldn't be any longer." He swears licking the chocolate away, returning to the cake and foregoing reverence for convenience.
Katsu snorts. "Why don't you just—"
"Excuse me, I'd like to order?" A patron asks from the back, looking faintly impatient.
"I'll be right with you sir!" Katsu calls, spearing Naruto with one last reproving look. "Just stop pigging out so much, that's way easier than just hiding from Tsunade." She whisks off towards the customer, a smile plastered on her face.
Kakashi pauses, looking towards the entrance. "You act as if she's going to come in any minute now."
Naruto shrugs. "You never know with Nade."
Those were famous last words. The sliding door to the establishment is thrown open with such force; the rice paper door crumples like an accordion against the wall, the ominous crunching sound the final toll for all sound in the building. Everyone looks in fear and shock towards the silhouette darkened by the shining sun behind her. The Hokage steps into the building, her ire making her forget to control her chakra. The pressure swirls around everyone, rooting people to their seats and slowly stealing the breath from their lungs.
"Tsunade," Jiraiya's voice is low and reproving. Tsunade looks sheepish but she won't look over at the large man.
"Uzumaki. Naruto." The hiss sends chills down spines, but it is Naruto she focuses this terrifying wrath upon and it is he who whimpers like a child in the night.
"H-hello . . . my lovely, wonderful Hokage. Nade-chan, did you . . . do something a little different with your hair today?" Naruto simpers, slowly edging his body to hide the evidence of his alleged sin.
"A valiant attempt son, but futile." Minato chuckles.
Tsunade is not to be distracted. Her honey eyes zero in immediately on the slice of heart-attack on a plate. "Cake!" she screeches, the word akin to a kinjutsu by the sound of her tone.
"Heart attack on a plate. How perfectly fitting." Tsunade snorts, enjoying Naruto's cowering in the book.
Naruto doesn't have the strength to look her in the eye he's so scared. "Nade-hime . . . my precious cousin! I—"
The sheer speed she utilizes to suddenly teleport right in front of Naruto has him wondering if she secretly learned the Hiraishin. Only the flash was green instead of yellow. He finds himself frozen under her frosty brown stare, like a bird in the eyes of a snake and wasn't that irony. He tracks her arm as it rises up and shoots to something behind him— his eyes widen— The cake!
Naruto hears an ominous crack of porcelain and flinches. "Sorry Koizumi-san, I'll pay that back." Tsuande states in a hollow tone. Bringing the plate around Naruto can see a large piece of the edge was chipped off, and Tsunade holds it at the bottom, the slice of cake still untouched except for the bites Naruto had taken from it.
"Tsunade. Please. Think about whatever you're going to do." Naruto pleads.
The glint in her eyes is unholy. "I know . . . exactly what I need to do, should you choose to be difficult my darling Naruto."
The way she said the term of endearment did anything but assure Naruto he was endeared to her at this moment. Rather, it was like a curse, a wicked name he should be ashamed of. "Difficult, sweet cousin?" Naruto gulps, seeking to soothe his far too dry throat.
Tsunade nods slowly. "Yes. Difficult."
Naruto looks at her for a long moment, and then nods slowly. "Your terms?"
"Approved dietary regimen by me, for a year. Upon completion of a successful conversion to more appropriate eating habits, the diet will be revised and privileges dealt."
Kushina scowls. "I know he doesn't have the best snacking habits but you can't treat him like that, he's nearly a grown man!"
Tsunade is unrepentant for her future self's actions. "I will if he insists on endangering himself in such a petty manner."
Naruto chafes at the restrictions, but he maintains composure in the face of someone all too willing to beat her ideals into him. Besides, according to his girlfriend and brother he did indeed have problems with proper snacking habits. Not that he felt he had such a problem . . . but he couldn't tell them the real reason either. "Acceptable." He answers in a clipped tone.
"Real reason?" Minato repeats slowly, the words pricking his intrigue. "What reason do you have to eat like that Naruto?"
"Let's find out." Kurama prompts, shaking the book a little.
Hinata opens the door to the Uzumaki/Kuroshio household, the door always unlocked ever since certain people had taken the liberty of just breaking open the locks to sneak in the house at night for a sleepover.
"That is such a poor habit . . . completely unsafe!" Kushina huffs.
"He'll have to stop that as soon as he reaches jounin. I haven't seen him look at a Bingo Book yet, does he know whether or not he's in the new editions? I find it hard to believe that with all he's done he's not in it for at least a few ryo." Minato says worriedly.
"I'm coming in!" she announces, taking off her shoes and walking further in. "Hey, where are you guys?"
"In the kitchen Hinata." Katsu calls out, and Hinata smiles as she follows her friend's voice. Katsu stirs a large pot with one hand as the other rests on her hip.
"Hey Hinata!" Katsu greets warmly, smiling at the girl.
"Hey Katsu . . . and . . . are you okay Naruto?" Hinata giggles, taking in the morose lump of flesh that slouches on the kitchen table. Naruto is dressed comfortably in standard ninja pants and a white t-shirt, looking very annoyed as a stalk of celery hangs limply from his lips.
Kushina giggles. "Poor thing." She coos.
"Hmm." Naruto grumbled, lips twitching in displeasure as another centimeter of celery was chewed off. Now, Naruto didn't mind vegetables. Some he really enjoyed, like celery! However, it wasn't what he really wanted right now. Only a week had passed since Tsunade had taken control of his cabinets, boldly storming into his house and trashing all the food that he brought. Anything deemed unhealthy— of course she didn't throw away what Katsu baked that would be rude. Instead, she held a raffle for all their friends.
"Aw, Tsunade-sama!" Rin and Obito whine in grating tones.
"He's being a big baby." Katsu grumbles, winking at Hinata.
"Do I look like I need to go on a diet?" Naruto grunts, downing the rest of the celery and then picking up a carrot.
"I don't know. Show me." Hinata muses innocently. Naruto obliges and lifts up his shirt, grinning at the wolf whistles from Hinata and Katsu for a brief moment before pulling his shirt back down. "No, you definitely don't need a diet!"
Minato laughs. "What an arrogant child!"
"Merely comfortable with his gifts." Jiraiya sniffs. "Gifts I'm sure he allows his godfather to use for research like a good boy unlike his prudish father."
"Excuse me for valuing myself higher than your whores." Minato quips.
"But you do snack a little too much." Katsu points out.
"So I'll stop! There's no need to . . ." Naruto's mouth twists, trying to find the right word.
"Coddle you?" Hinata tries. Naruto claps his hands together and nods emphatically.
"Yes! Coddle! Perfect word, thanks. I can count the number of people she's forced onto a diet and still have fingers to spare. I've seen a few pudgy shinobi and kunoichi, and not one of them were Akamichi bred."
"She doesn't care about the random shinobi and kunoichi she cares about you. Don't be ungrateful!" Kushina lightly scolds, a sweet smile still on her face.
"Quit your whining," Hinata snorts. "You should be grateful the Hokage is so invested in your health."
Naruto groans, tossing his head back and slumping further down in his seat. "I know. But, damn it, man shall not live on greens alone! She's starting to cut out a lot of the meat I eat too, thinks I'm focusing too much on protein instead of carbohydrates or vitamins and minerals. Is it my fault I have a mostly omnivorous demon fox inside of me?!"
"Have you explained that to her?" Katsu asks patiently, rolling her eyes at Hinata.
"Yes," Naruto growls, the first note of true irritation seeping into his voice. "She had the nerve to tell me that I'm using that as an excuse."
"Okay, I might be over the line with that one." Tsunade admits. "But I can only say that now because I'm reading this from a perspective that gives me more details about that!"
"Even so," Kurama frowns at the woman. "He could be suffering without the proper nutrition as his body demands it. He's not like any other human male, he has different dietary needs at different times and you cannot conform him to a generic human regimen."
"She's just doing what she thinks is best for you." Hinata soothes.
"How does she know what's best for me?" Naruto snorts, nibbling morosely on the carrot.
That was the last time Naruto complained about the veggie –diet for a month. He decided simply to suck it up and endure it, and perhaps he might be finished early due to his good behavior. Oh, but how his submission tested his restraints.
The thing about shinobi villages is that nearly everyone in the village is very good at sniffing out and finding out most secrets. So his forced dieting and ban on snacks was common knowledge in two weeks. All the snickers and looks he had to endure. Women coming up to him and pinching his cheeks— only the jounin kunoichi of course, they were the only ones quick enough and vicious enough to dare try for physical contact and be sure of escaping.
"It'll pass soon, there's always something new and more incriminating happening to someone else that will take the spotlight off of you." Rin soothes, smirking.
God, Genma and the Eternal Chuunin duo were horrid the entire time. Whenever he'd report to the Hokage Tower they'd say, "Better clean your face, wouldn't want Hokage-sama to spit wash you!"
"I wouldn't!" Tsunade scowls fiercely, glaring at her laughing friends.
Or they'd giggle and say, "Has Hokage-sama fixed you lunch today?" The worst part was, once when Naruto and Tsunade were tackling her backlogged paperwork and they stopped for lunch, she had fixed him something. A spinach salad with raw broccoli. He hated raw broccoli! Broccoli only tasted good cooked but what did she say? "Eat your damn vegetables brat before I shove them down your throat!"
Minato laughed hard now, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he bent forward slightly. "Nothing his own mother wouldn't say!" he splutters between breaths, the others joining him quickly.
"I think I can recall Kushina saying that exact same thing once!" Jiraiya agrees mirthfully.
Something had to give. Before his temper did.
Tsunade makes a noise of triumph behind smiling lips as she pats the last stack of completed folders on top of her desk. Turning to Naruto she eyes the clipboard in his hand and the clean space of the desk after their work. "We did good." She notes proudly.
"You still need help with paperwork? Poor Shizune!" Jiraiya snickers, before being brained by Tsunade. "D-damn it . . ."
"Ok, I'll concede that I hit you a little harder than necessary." Tsunade confesses quietly, gently prodding the bruised flesh that made up half of Jiraiya's face.
"That we did Hokage-sama, and might I say you showed spectacular work ethic today." Naruto compliments, partly teasing but mostly pleased that he hadn't had to pull a Shizune today.
Tsunade grins smugly, stretching her arms above her head with relish. "Today just feels like a great day! It's like something's coming and I'm getting pumped up for it!"
"Well whatever it is you'd surely deserve it. What do you say to lunch, my treat?" Naruto offers.
"I haven't yet read about that brat offering me lunch." Jiraiya moans pitifully. "Why am I cursed with ungrateful students?"
"Mostly karma, but partly you're just not that great of a person." Minato points out blandly, unchanging in the face of Jiraiya's outraged moue.
"I say lead the way." Tsunade accepts happily, slapping Naruto on the back— ignoring his muffled groan— and sauntering out of the office. Naruto catches up quickly and the two blondes leave the Hokage Tower to find a place to stop and eat.
"What are you in the mood for Nade?" Naruto asks, hands in his pockets as he lopes besides Tsunade.
"Something . . . filling. I don't know exactly. How about— ooh! Kenchinjiru!" Tsunade declared, eyes lighting up at the thought of the tasty, hearty soup.
"That does sound good . . . okay, I know just the place." Naruto declared with a smile, leading Tsunade to a restaurant only a few spots away from the Akamichi Barbeque establishment.
"He sure knows a lot of eateries." Kushina muses. "A few of these places I honestly didn't know about."
"That can be blamed on your unfaltering loyalty to Ichiraku Kushina." Kurama reminds her slyly. Kushina blushes a little and turns away with a little huff, Minato chuckling as he pats her on the arm.
"Have you been here many times before?" Tsunade questions curiously, looking around at the décor of the brightly lit little luncheon.
"A few times, they have good soups that really warm you up in winter. Hm, so maybe a bowl of cold udon afterwards would be prudent." Naruto muses at the end. Seeing Tsunade linger uncertainly he grins and takes her hand, guiding her to the counter. "Order first and then sit, they'll call out our order and then I'll go pick it up."
Tsunade nods and looks up at the menu, looking for her choice. There were different sides to choose, and she was sure if she asked the soup could be customized . . . "What are you going to get?" Tsunade asks, looking up at the thoughtful expression on Naruto's face.
Naruto smiles. "The same soup . . . but I'll ask for extra mushrooms and some slices of tofu, and the sides will be onigiri. You?"
"That's the healthiest thing I've heard from you this chapter. The diet must be working." Rin smiles gently, looking at a triumphant Tsunade.
"I'll ask for pumpkin in mine and a few pickled radishes. Fried rice for the side." Tsunade decided.
They moved a few spaces down and waited as the woman at the counter took a few seconds to get over their presence. The poor girl was confused between bowing to her Hokage and peeking at Naruto.
"Welcome! H-how may I serve— uh, help you today?" the woman stammers out, fighting back a blush to the best of her ability.
Biting back a grin Tsunade and Naruto order, the latter paying for the meal and then they take a seat. "Oh! I nearly forgot drinks." Naruto chuckles.
"Don't they bring the tea to us?" Tsunade asks confusedly.
"Oh sure, but I want something a little different before I drink tea." Naruto informs her, getting up and moving to the counter again. Tsunade watches the woman at the counter blush heavily under Naruto's attention, something the young man recognizes but despite his best efforts to keep polite and distant it doesn't seem to do much good.
"It never does." Minato sighs, a trace of a smile on his lips hearing his son's situation.
Still, he gets his glass of some dark drink that Tsunade doesn't recognize and he returns to his seat. Naruto catches the little straw in his mouth and takes a long draught, humming happily.
"Damn there's nothing better on a hot day, eh Nade?" Naruto asks in rhetorically, cheerful and content.
Tsunade tilts her head. "Well if I knew what it was I could agree . . ."
Kushina tenses and looks at Tsunade. "Now Nade, I hope this isn't leading to what I think it is . . ."
While Tsunade shrugs in confusion Kurama snorts. "Oh it is. Listen . . ."
Naruto snorts, grin charming and boyish. "Tsunade you honestly don't recognize soda?"
Tsunade had, since the moment Naruto caved to her diet demands, been very conscious of Naruto's food intake and the situation concerning his food habits. She'd observed compliance and reluctance in equal parts so she was never quite sure Naruto wasn't trying to lull her into a false sense of security by going along with things. She'd wondered if perhaps he wasn't sneaking snacks under her nose.
"Oh Tsunade really now? You're coddling him to the point of being a hindrance." Jiraiya grumbles, sending her a dirty look.
"Well soda isn't healthy either." She mumbles, but there isn't any heat in her voice.
Here, at last, was the proof!
Tsunade reached over and snatched the soda from Naruto, so fast that he was left with a dripping straw still in his mouth, face frozen in surprise. She puts the soda on her side and frowns.
Naruto watches her wag her finger at him— like he was a naughty child, the nerve! — and sternly says, "You know soda isn't good for you!"
Naruto stares dumbly at her; vaguely aware of the stares they receive from the less than subtle patrons seeking to spend their lunches in peace. Thinking of the others around him, he doesn't immediately flip the fuck out.
"Watch your mouth!" Tsunade and Kushina snap. Seeing the similarity Kushina can't help but add, "Even if it would be deserved."
"Hey!" Tsunade huffs.
Calmly taking the straw from his lips, he waits a few seconds and then takes back his soda with lightning quick action, a small amount of the sugared drink spilling over the edge of the glass. "Soda was never banned. Don't do this."
"You don't do this!" Tsunade counters, grabbing for the soda but Naruto holds it away from her out of reach. "Don't make a scene, just give me the soda. Soda isn't healthy; you promised you'd be healthier."
"It's the first soda I've had in a month, I thought I deserved a little reward for today." Naruto insists, breathing deeply to remain calm.
"Considering his temper I wonder if the waterfall training really did anything for him. He seemed to slide back into old habits easily enough." Jiraiya snorts.
"You did the waterfall training too sensei and, well . . . you're still you." Minato points out with an angelic smile, chipper in the face of Jiraiya's irritation.
"Damn punk." Jiraiya growls.
Tsunade scowls, placing both hands on the table like she was laying down the ultimate deal. "I banned excess sugar, so it can't be your reward. Give me the soda!" she snaps.
"Lower your voice damn it!" Naruto hisses back.
Tsunade's eyes narrow. "Who the hell do you think you're talking to? Give me the fucking soda or your diet's extended for a year."
Now it was Naruto's turn to get mean. "Who the fuck do you think you are? I only went along with this to keep you from going on and on about this . . . you do not control what I eat and drink. If I want a soda, you will not keep me from having a soda."
"All this over a soda?" Kurama sighs. "This is why you shouldn't spoil children . . . and I mean both of you, Tsunade."
"Oh shut up!" Tsunade snaps, before a wave of murderous intent is shot straight towards her with a frozen scarlet stare.
"Don't mistake my lenience for weakness child." Kurama chides lightly, returning to the book.
Tsunade stands up with a furious expression on her face. Stomping over to Naruto she snatches the soda from his hand and walks outside, pouring the soda out. Walking back into the restaurant she puts the empty glass on the counter in front of the frozen woman and stomps back to stand in front of Naruto. A light blonde eyebrow cocks up in challenge. What now?
Naruto, for his part, is speechless. Of all the embarrassing things Tsunade had done to him, this was . . . this was too much. He couldn't even control himself anymore. He shoved back from the table and stood, and despite the fact that he was beginning to grow tall enough to loom over her Tsunade seemed no less challenging or arrogant to him.
"What is your problem?" Naruto snarls, eyes glowing with fury. "You think it's fun to make a spectacle of yourself just because you're the Hokage? Everyone already has enough to laugh about Legendary Sucker-sama—"
"Ouch, toeing the line there kiddo." Minato winces at the potential backlash.
He didn't even see it coming, and she didn't even know her fist was clenched let alone in motion. One minute he was staring her down and the next he had crashed through the front window and into the building across the street, the wall partially collapsing and bricks raining down on him. Rage bubbles in his veins like hot lava as he wrenches himself up from the pile of brick and glass, clothes and skin streaked with dust and little tears.
"What is wrong with you, you crazy bitch?!" Naruto yells.
"Oh Naruto!" Kushina groans, slapping a hand to her face.
"Damn . . . five hundred Naruto lasts three minutes." Obito quickly bets.
Rin hits Obito's shoulder and hisses, "He won't even last three seconds!"
"No, I'll see your bet Obito and raise you another five hundred for five minutes." Kakashi quickly hashes out.
There's only stifled gasps before the whole street is silent. Tsunade's approach to the now gaping hole where the window had been is silent, and she gracefully climbs out of the restaurant to step out into the street, the sun highlighting her stony features.
"What did you just call me?" her voice is a hushed whisper that carries well in the stark silence.
"I called you a crazy bitch!" Naruto snaps, "Because that is exactly what you are! An old! Deranged! Bitch!"
"I'd like to amend my bet." Kakashi quickly whispers, looking at the frozen and enraged form of Tsunade. Jiraiya had vacated the couch from the moment Naruto's first insult was read and is now near Minato and Kushina, all three looking warily at Tsunade.
You could have heard a pin drop in the deathly still marketplace, suspiciously absent of life when mere moments ago it was full of daily bustling life. Citizens and shoppers took refuge in other shops or behind stalls, as if the wood had suddenly become imbued with super strength. Shinobi and kunoichi took to the roofs, and ANBU came out of hiding to watch the spectacle.
Naruto is well known for his casual relationship with the Hokage. However, no one had any illusions that there were not limits, that there were no lines. It was inherently understood, even by the two blondes themselves that so long as Tsunade was Hokage there were some lines that would not be crossed.
"My stupid son seems to have forgotten that." Minato whispers to Jiraiya and Kushina, whose heads jerk in curt nods.
Naruto crosses that line today.
Tsunade blasts off from her spot, a large crack in the earth underneath her showcasing the strength and chakra she just pushed into her soles and thin heel. Naruto's eyes widen and he throws himself to the side. He'd never known she was that fast— he misses getting his jaw torn off by her wildly swung fist but she just bends with it and directs it to the ground. The resulting shockwave and destruction of not just the ground but the front foundation of a store sends Naruto skidding away like a skipping stone on a pond. Naruto snaps out of his daze quickly and unlocks all his gravity seals and feels the rush of lightness that accompanies so many seals unlocked all at once.
He gets onto his feet, and is better prepared to dodge the fists that jab and snap towards him with lethal intent. He knows right off it will be tricky to fight Tsunade. He cannot just catch her fist like he would any other enemy, because her strength taken head on would grind bones to dust. Her taijutsu is excellent, he cannot find any spots to take advantage of. Yet.
There is, however, a few glaring weaknesses he knows how to exploit. "Are you thinking that your varicose veins will disgust me enough to stumble?" Naruto asks tersely, unable to take the nonchalant tone he wishes because it is very imperative her fists not make contact with any part of his body.
Jiraiya's hands dig into the couch, tearing through the fabric and cushion. "Are you fucking crazy?!" he whimpers hysterically.
Tsunade snarls and pumps extra chakra into the next fist. Naruto's eyes zero in on the action. When Tsunade goes for a particularly brutal hit, he has noticed many times that she pulls her arm back just a little more. Enough for him to—
Naruto's right fists zips forward into her shoulder socket, and the swift hit makes the right side of Tsunade's body twist more then she wanted in that direction but she knows how to counter that.
"Heh," The sudden noise from Tsunade makes everyone jump. Her face is twisted into a horrific caricature of some smirking creature, her pearly teeth bared. "So he noticed that? I can at least say that's impressive."
". . ." No one, save a chuckling Kurama, dares to even breathe.
She merely lets the motion flow into a high crescent kick. What she does not expect is for Naruto to take a page out of her book, grab the offending leg in both hands and then haul her up. She's spun once and then released like a discus, flying over buildings and then crashing into an alleyway.
"Now that's my kit." Kurama proclaims fondly, sharp teeth showing in his grin.
"Glad you're enjoying this." Tsunade hisses out between clenched teeth.
More disturbingly, she's thrown into a pile of empty wine crates and some other slithering oozy things that offend her to her core. Extricating herself from it, she hears an abrasive taunt.
"You can't make do anything!" Naruto hollers from somewhere.
Despite himself Minato's lips move into a grin. "What a childish taunt."
Tsunade jumps up onto a roof and glares at Naruto who flips her off and then leaps away. Tsunade sees nothing but red and tears off after him. She doesn't notice the jounin and chuunin behind her taking bets as they scramble after the two outrageous blondes as discreetly as possible.
"I do tend to have a one track mind." Tsunade admits in a disgruntled fashion.
"Something circumvented only because you had teammates to watch out for you." Jriaiya snorts.
The TV chimes and without even looking at the message on screen Obito snatches up the remote and turns it on. The TV starts at the moment Naruto and Tsunade start the chase.
Tsunade wildly launches herself forward, the power flowing from her soles cracking through the ceiling of the Yamanaka Flower shop and creating two rough skylights. Cutting through the air she slams into Naruto's back, with a sickening crack. Naruto's body snaps forward so hard he's sure for a minute his back is broken as air and blood in equal measure blow out of his mouth like a geyser. The two blondes free fall for a sort time and then crash through the window of a Laundromat. Naruto goes face first into the linoleum floor as Tsunade shoves her knees into his back.
While the others cringe at the brutality, Tsunade shifts uncomfortably. "Oh . . . what if glass got into his face or eyes?"
"Should have thought about that before you tackled him into the window." Kurama points out sensibly. "Besides I think you might have broken his face, forget the glass."
Without pause she jumps up and grabs an empty dryer, her strength ripping it from the floor. She raises it above her head and then slams it down on Naruto, the dryer half crumpling and then the floor giving way for about a foot deep crater. Lifting up the dryer she growls viciously when there is no bloody body beneath it.
"Tsunade what the hell?!" Kushina screams, lobbing her glass at the shrinking older blonde woman. Jiraiya catches the glass in time, but it takes Minato to hold down the enraged redhead even as he sends a glare Tsunade's way.
"Over here psycho!" The name calling makes Tsunade's head jerk up sharply in time to see the empty clothing cart flying at her, chucked her way by the irate Uzumaki. Tsunade bends back sharply in a ninety degree angle and catches the cart by its bottom grates, her upper body swings forward back to its regular position as she hurls it back. Naruto dives out the front window and rolls, the cart whooshing overhead and taking out a group of men in front of the opposite building.
Minato sighs in annoyance. "Tsunade-sama really, think of the collateral damage! Not to mention your reputation . . ."
Tsunade snorts. "You think anyone will dare to talk to me with an upper hand after this rampage? But you're right, I'll have lots of work to do. The both of us, you're fool of a son included."
Naruto takes their show on the road again, vaulting up to the roofs and dashing away with increasing speed. The banshee shriek behind him indicates that Tsunade follows diligently. Swiping away the stream of blood that followed his face's introduction to the floor Naruto pulls up more chakra and streaks away towards the training grounds. As he makes the jump to another roof he looks down to see his toes barely skimming a metal pole Tsunade just threw behind him. The pole hits the edge of the roof with a clang and goes clattering down into the road, the people scrambling away.
"You are seriously unhinged do you know that?!" Naruto yells behind him, now taking no chances on a flat route and hopping around like crazy to avoid being skewered.
Jiraiya groans into his hands, wondering if he was witnessing this in the future or if he had left the village. Part of him desperately wished he was out of the picture, while another part was curious to see how such a battle royale would go.
Tsunade, catching onto his plan quickly, does her best to foil it. She throws anything she can find at the monkey-like boy. Flower pots, weather vanes, hell one time she even took a shinobi who was too slow to get out of her path and chucked it at Naruto (who was kind enough to make a clone to stop the shinobi from hurtling into a winery).
"You can't run forever!" she roars at him.
"That's my line old woman!" Naruto snaps back. Roaring like a wounded beast Tsunade is past chakra and instead unleashes sheer force of will to launch from roof to roof until eventually there are no more roofs and just thin, wimpy, far too weak branches that can't sustain the force of her rage and threaten to send her tumbling to the ground with each broken tree limb.
When they burst out into a clearing, the next tree not for another three miles and a large lake besides them, Naruto makes his move. The first to touch the ground, he swings around with his fingers on the last seal. "Fuuton: Air bullet!"
"Oh please just call for a truce. Tsunade-sama is a sannin, she'll destroy you no matter how skilled you are!" Rin whimpers.
The ball of damaging, compressed air is destroyed by Tsunade's counter. "Suiton: Water Gun!"
"Is your affinity suiton Tsunade-sama?" Kakashi asks curiously.
Tsunade nods. "With both my great-uncle and grandfather having suiton it wasn't unexpected. The secondary affinity of lightning however was."
Tsunade fires off an intense blast of water from her mouth that destroys the air bullet and still heads towards Naruto. Naruto uses a doton technique with barely a whisper and sinks quickly into the ground just before he can be hit. Tsunade drops to the ground and looks around, snorting derisively.
Lifting her right knee, she pauses and them slams her foot into the ground, jumping over to the lake once the ground cracks and crumbles underneath her. Naruto remembers when Sakura did the same with her fist, but even then the damage couldn't hold a candle to what Tsunade did right then. The entire ground right before the lake cracked and exploded, some large chucks of grass and dirt flying every which way. The four copies of Naruto underneath the ground were exposed as the earth collided and ground together from the explosive force, crushing and dispelling all four of them. Tsunade saw that not a single one had been the real Naruto and her eyes narrow as she waits tensely atop the water's surface.
"God this is so amazing to watch!" Obito whispers excitedly.
Minato smiles indulgently but ultimately shakes his head in the negative. "Tsunade is toying with Naruto. He's gotten stronger yes, but he's still no match for Tsunade or any one on that level."
She feels a tremor underneath her feet, and she looks back sharply. A spiraling column of water tapered off to a sharp end bursts from underneath the surface and churns furiously as it moves toward her. Tsunade recognizes the jutsu and knows it's short-range only. Flipping back several feet she runs through her own hand seals as Naruto comes up from underneath with a furious spray of water, going through his own hand seals.
Tsunade finishes first, her combo deadly. "Raiton: Wave of Inspiration! Suiton: Violent Water Wave!" cheeks bulging she releases a torrent of water from her mouth at the same time as her hands crackle with lightning, the electricity jumping up to the conductive stream and heading towards Naruto.
"Even deadlier with the lake under them." Jiraiya notes. "But you're still holding back some."
Naruto shoots chakra into his feet, the blast of energy creating a large crater that caved the water underneath his feet with a rumbling sound, his body jettisoned upward as the water finally stabilized and had nothing pushing it down. Flying high into the air he is nearly directly overhead Tsunade as he uses his own nature combination against her.
"Katon: Flame Bullet! Fuuton: Great Breakthrough!" The added help of the powerful winds from the futon jutsu created a veritable wall of flame coming down upon Tsunade whose eyes widen as she quickly cuts chakra from her feet.
"Foolish move," Minato reprimands. "The resulting steam will completely block your vision and allow her more than enough time for a countermeasure if not several."
"So much mental acuity training in his future." Kurama grumbles.
The flames hit the lake surface and Naruto knows he hasn't caught Tsunade but wondered where she was. He recognizes his folly when the steam from his combo hitting the water inhibits any sight of the woman. That is, until she retaliated.
She wasn't on the surface of the water but underneath Tsunade wordlessly creates her jutsu, the large water dragon charging up from the depths below with all the strength and force of a raging typhoon roaring up to the heavens.
Naruto panics when the dragon comes for him with a speed and ferocity that he has the brief thought the dragon is sentient and angered at his insult to his creator. Naruto quickly charges an Oodama Rasengan and shoves it down into the open maw of the water dragon, following his attack down the dragon's gullet, the jutsu destroyed instantly and becoming mere water vapor.
"A dragon split in half by a giant rasengan . . . he's no slouch that kid but Tsunade could end this easily. Seems she wants to prolong her lesson." Jiraiya muses, smirking at Minato and Kushina.
Halfway through the dragon Naruto cuts off the Oodama Rasengan with the dragon now falling apart and quickly flows through a set of hand seals as the lake's surface comes closer.
"Fuuton: Wind Cutter!" Naruto roared, several large blades of wind cutting through the water and nearly to the bottom of the lake, the water forced to rise into the air and churn violently.
"So much strength in that jutsu!" Kushina gasps.
Behind Naruto and several yards away Tsunade leaps from underneath for air and to escape the aftermath of the futon jutsu. She has her own counter anyway, seeing Naruto land on the choppy surface. Sloppy of him.
"Suiton: Water Whip." Tsunade intones, fed up with the fight now and seeking to end it. The whip of water wraps around her wrist to allow control before snaking in a lightning fast motion to wrap around Naruto's ankles.
"S-shit!" Naruto curses, preparing to cut the water even if he cuts himself in the process, when suddenly he is flung upwards into the air and then jerks down with a sharp crash into the water below. Water might not seem like it hurts, but hitting it stomach down at the speed of a swallow's dive will give anyone reason enough to moan in pain. Naruto isn't even given enough time to cough before he's whipped up again only this time lightning crackles up the connection of water and electrocutes him.
"Damn Tsunade, you're not going easy on the kid anymore." Jiraiya winces.
"I hope he's learning some good lessons from this." Kakashi speaks up nonchalantly. "And not just the, don't mess with a sannin lesson."
Tsunade swings him around letting the lightning do its work, and when she's had enough of his yells of pain she sends him into the trees, his body creating a furrow as it crashes past trees and brush. Several trees are taken down in his mad whirl, the dust cloud kicked up an incredible sight along with the frantic flight of birds whose homes have suddenly been demolished.
Wide eyes are trained on the screen. "Damn, his entire body is broken right now." Obito intones.
"You are not going anywhere near him you know that right? I will be healing him." Kurama glares at Tsunade. "Honestly, what is the point of trying to teach someone when the brain damage you case renders that lesson null?"
Tsunade jumps back on to land and calmly waits for her opponent. It never takes long for the brat to get back on his feet, she reflects absently and in five seconds her recollection is proven right.
Naruto and five other clones charge out, two using another wind and fire combination whilst another two focus purely on futon jutsu.
Rin chuckles and shakes her head. "He really doesn't know when to give up."
Tsunade solves the problem of the fire with the jutsu Water Wave Palm, and for the futon she merely kicks up a thick chunk of earth to take the brunt of the force as she works her way around. Naruto still isn't used to her speed yet, seeing as she never showed aptitude for it before and thus two clones go down before she dances for a brief moment with the other two clones and their wind chakra coated kunai. A deep crack in the earth provided by a pointed toe into the earth unsettles them and leaves her to dispatch the shadow clones with knocks to the temple.
"Wow, I mean I know that anyone who tangles with Hanzo and lives is strong but . . . you make this look like you're dealing with a four year-old." Obito mutters, awed.
Tsunade shrugs modestly. "Naruto is good . . . but he needs much more experience. He's making little mistakes here and there that lead to death in a fight with strong experienced opponents like myself."
Now the original is all hers. Before he can even think of finishing a jutsu she's upon him and knocking him back a kilometer away with a kick to his abdomen. She reminds herself to treat him for internal bleeding after this fight as she chases after his tumbling body.
"Heh, so we can still hear people's thoughts like it's a real show." Rin laughs.
"Internal bleeding." Kushina mutters, disgusted.
Naruto recovers as best as he can, returning to his feet. He ducks a right hook and blocks a knee to his diaphragm with crossed arms— though he suffers a broken left arm for that foolishness— before Tsunade's surprise head-butt sends stars blinking across his vision and then her fist sends him blinking across the field in a blur of pain and destruction.
"Oh, Tsunade-sama." Rin whimpers in censure, flinching with each hit Naruto takes from the blonde bombshell.
Up in the trees several shinobi wince in reflex at the destruction of the last Uzmaki. "Man, he really ought to have known better." A jounin mutters, scratching is goatee with a contemplative grimace as he sees the Hokage uppercut the young man into the sky. Though the Uzumaki tried gamely to distract her with a ration bushin, the sannin quickly shook off the shock and was upon him again like a shark to its prey.
"What the idiot was thinking cursing the Hokage, I'll never know." Raidou whispers, Genma nodding alongside him.
"I wonder who bet for what." Obito wonders.
"As if anyone would think Naruto could win." Jiraiya snorts.
Kushina glares at the man as she defends her son. "We've mentioned several times throughout this book that Naruto has a habit of making the highly improbable or damn near impossible, well, possible –ttebane!"
"Well yes, but . . ." Minato grimaces. "This is not one of those times."
"Well to be fair, she started it." Anko points out, tearing apart a piece of dango while looking over at Ibiki. "How much longer do you think he has?"
"I would have guessed he'd be knocked out two minutes ago. Taking into account his stamina and stubborn nature . . . it's for however long Hokage-sama wants this to go on for." Ibiki surmises.
"What did she punt him out of that restaurant for anyway?" Kakashi asks, flinching at the roundhouse kick that no doubt dislocated Naruto's jaw.
"Well she snatched away his soda . . . and Naruto snapped. It was only a matter of time. She was taking away damn near every single good food away from him." A pudgy Akamichi that Naruto was not personally familiar with explains. "But, to think he'd bring up her reputation as the Legendary Sucker—"
"Boy's always had more balls then brains." Jiraiya sighs. Around him, all the shinobi jump and nearly pepper the sannin with kunai. None had heard him enter the group.
"When did you get here?" Anko asks, startled.
"I was always here." Jiraiya snickers, the little amusement he got from the young one's awe still tickling him. "Long enough to see that Naruto's improved greatly but he's still nowhere near the level where he can take on an opponent like Tsunade alone. Meaning he won't be able to take on the other Akatsuki members without assistance."
"There was never a plan to have him take on the Akatsuki solo anyway." Kakashi points out mildly.
Jiraiya shrugs. "No, but, it never hurts to be prepared. As far as I can see he'll be able to escape them if only just. The members left are the big leagues . . . Deidara and Sasori were just appetizers."
"I can't stand the thought of him going up against that immortal man . . ." Rin shivers at the very thought.
Back in the clearing Naruto is firmly lodged in a crater of his own making after a dropkick from Tsunade. Coughing up blood, his eyes crack open in slits just big enough for Tsunade to register the glare he sends her.
Tsunade sniffs imperiously as she reaches down to grab him again. "Well Naruto? Ready to give up?"
"Eat me." Naruto grumbles around loose teeth and another mouthful of blood. Glaring at his persistent impertinence Tsunade hand grabs the front of his shirt.
"Naruto shouldn't talk that way!" Kushina growls, punching the cushion next to her. "What a rude mouth that boy has!"
A large cloud of smoke erupts around the both of them, obscuring them from view and the shinobi hiding in the trees look on curiously. The curiosity turns to shock when their Hokage rockets out of the smoke, her body lax and her head snapped back as she hits the ground three times like a skipping stone, each hit creating an explosion of earth before she finally skids into a tree.
Minato chuckles briefly, eyeing Kurama. "I'd wondered what you were doing this whole chapter . . . much as you fight with Tsunade just on principle I know you should have scolded this child for his gluttony."
"Ah, well . . ." Kurama's face morphs into something distantly related to discomfort if not embarrassment, attracting the attention of the group. "Thinking this over, I've a good idea why he's been snacking so much . . ."
The shinobi are immediately on alert, darting to the ground below with a caution in their minds and tension throughout their bodies. Was Naruto ready to start round two?
"Tsunade . . ." A deep voice marred by a dark snarl that ratcheted up the tension made itself known from the smoke. IT was most definitely not Naruto's voice. "You woke me up rudely girl. I would see you pay for your insolence."
"Oh that's all you care about." Tsunade harrumphs.
"You woke me up by badly damaging my host. It'll kill two birds with one stone just to see you pay for one of the crimes." Kurama explains loftily, enjoying seeing Tsunade's teeth gnash together. The TV cut off, and deftly Kurama picks up the pace with the book.
The smoke was blown away as if pushed aside, showing a stranger with red hair to the shinobi. Of course there was a general grab for weapons, but some of the shinobi were rather surprised by the overreaction, in their mind at least, from some of their comrades.
Those comrades— Anko, Genma, Raidou, and Jiraiya— knew exactly who that was and what might happen if he should remain displeased. As such their chakra was flared, ready to cast jutsu or go for the kill at any moment. "Ku—" Jiraiya starts, but a scalding glare form the Kyuubi freezes his tongue.
"I would not allow you to speak my name to those humans." Kurama chides, glaring at Jiraiya. "What makes you think you can, I wonder?"
"Who is that, Jiraiya-sama?" A jounin asks cautiously, unnerved by the sannin's unusually grave countenance. Who could make Jiraiya-sama stop in his tracks, even if it was just a word?
"That . . . is an S-class secret, punishable by death should it be revealed." Jiraiya explains calmly. If these shinobi were worth anything, they'd get it. Judging by the sharp spike in fear their various yet subtle reactions revealed, they weren't complete cannon fodder.
The Akamichi from before gasps loudly. "It can't be . . . ! He released the—"
"What you insinuate is treasonous and insulting to my student." Jiraiya growls lowly.
Kakashi, though of the same mind as Jiraiya, merely reacts by rolling his eyes. "For someone to be stupid enough to even suggest that . . . are there really people who don't know that loud-mouth, blinding kid?"
His daring to even insinuate Naruto would betray them in such a manner earned him Anko's nastiest, dirtiest glare promising unmatched pain. Similar reactions of disgust and anger were sent towards the Akamichi who trembled slightly from the killer intent.
"A jinchuuriki dies when their bijuu is released. Naruto is still alive." Jiraiya reminds them all quietly, watching Kurama turn and look down at his host.
Kurama, for his part, is shaking his head in disappointment. "This was the best you could do?" he asks, upset with Naruto's weakness.
"Oh come on, I'm low A-class at best. Nade's S-class." Naruto protests feebly, body still thrumming with agony.
"That," Kurama spits with a glare. "Is no excuse." Sniffing, he waves his hand over Naruto's general area and the Uzumaki's body is covered in a cloak of red chakra, healing the boy. "Why were you two fighting again?"
Before Naruto can explain, a frustrated feminine growl prompts their attention where Tsunade is just getting up. Bleeding from several gashes along her arms and body, and one nasty cut on her forehead, Tsunade glares at Kurama.
"You broke my jaw!" She yells, throwing a rock at Kurama. The rock bursts into flame before it even reaches five feet in front of Kurama, a rather curious image and another thing to fear for the shinobi watching this all unfold.
Kurama looks unperturbed, and entirely unapologetic. In his mind, Tsunade's removal from his personal space brooked no apology. "What did he do to warrant such discipline Tsunade?"
Tsunade glares and opens her mouth to explain . . . and then clamps her mouth shut. With a deep breath, she simply says, "He called me a crazy bitch."
Kurama swallows a deep sigh. So they were going to play this game? Was he foolish to believe he escaped the sullen games of his children? Turning to Naruto with more patience than either of the two deserved he asks Naruto, "Why did you call her a crazy bitch?"
Naruto, if he had any blood to spare, would blush right now. "Well . . ." he clears his throat uncomfortably. "She's had me on this diet for about a month. Cutting out as much sugar as possible . . . and I had a soda today, but I felt like I deserved it!"
Kurama's brows furrow. "A diet? Why on earth would you need that? Your metabolism combined with my influence ensures a rather healthy body."
"Well Kurama . . ." Naruto clamps his lips shut, refusing to speak anymore. Kurama would, on any other occasion, have no problems dragging Naruto's broken body up and shaking the answer out of the boy. However, he was stopped from this course of action by Tsunade's interruption.
"He's been snacking like crazy!" She claims, and if her hands weren't busy healing her body she'd point accusatorily at the blonde on the ground. "He must snack at least eight times a day, or did before the diet!"
"And why were you snacking so much?" Kurama sighs, rubbing at his temples. When Naruto continues to play mute, looking away morosely, Kurama's scarlet eyes narrow into bloody slits. "Boy . . ." he trails off in warning.
Kushina giggles, delighted with Kurama's paternal actions. "You've had lots of practice, eh Kurama?"
"Like I said, fifteen sons. You learn just about every trick in the book with them, until they create new ones." Kurama sighs, shaking his head in fond recollection.
Naruto sighs, now able to squirm like a repentant child thanks to the healing given to him by the Kyuubi chakra cloak. "Kurama . . . what were you dreaming of?"
Kurama blinks, nonplussed by the question. "Don't change the subject." He rebukes.
Naruto looks dead at Kurama. "The question is entirely on subject."
"Hmm." Kurama sighs, now looking a little embarrassed.
"Kurama?" Minato prods, but the demon simply continues reading with the best poker face he's ever seen.
While Kurama ruminates on the connection Tsunade scoffs and marches closer, yet still keeping at least twenty feet between her and Kurama. "You mean this guy's been asleep the entire time?! Didn't he have anything more useful to do?"
"What, like wiping your chin for drool after you fall asleep on your own work?" Kurama laughs caustically, eyeing the flinch from Tsunade. "You have no dignity."
"I won't listen to that from you!" Tsunade snaps, but holds back from calling him any sort of name that would earn her impalement or something equally distasteful.
Kurama's lips twitch but he deigns her accusations beneath him and does not respond. Naruto does for him anyway, and with impressive force. "He's not obligated to do anything Tsunade!"
"Says the child." Kurama murmurs quietly, yet still audible to everyone. Jiraiya swallows down a chuckle at the look of hate on Tsunade's face.
Tsunade glares at Naruto but leaves the topic alone. Lord knows that Jiraiya would now bitch and moan about her trying to replace him with eye candy or some other foolish thing. She'd deal with Orochimaru before thinking of working that closely with the Demon Lord (never mind that she'd done so at least twice already).
"If you say a word . . ." Tsunade breathes darkly, trying hard to glare holes into the hide of the fox demon.
"I need say nothing at all, when you say everything for me." Kurama laughs lightly, the soft sound neither sweet nor relaxing. Rather creepy, actually, but no one would say so out loud.
"So?" she sneers at Kurama. "What was foxy dreaming about? Fish and milk?"
Kurama, without turning to look at her or even raising his voice mildly replies, "The upcoming month isn't looking pleasant for you Tsunade. Especially as you cannot have Jiraiya touch the seal for fear of furthering it's . . . state and killing the child."
"Aw, you are so fucked." Kushina snickers, reaching over to run her palm flat along the shoulder blade of Kurama. "You'll go easy on her, won't you?"
"For your son's sake if nothing else. Then again, easy for me . . ." Kurama trails off, smiling slightly.
"The child is right here." Naruto deadpans, eyeing Tsunade's stiff and furious body warily. The beat down from earlier was not forgotten and never would be. Ever.
"There's that at least." Tsunade gripes.
"That's not saying much." Obito informs her, laughing hard. "If he's anything like me still— and it's a safe bet he is— he'll never forget it for all of two weeks and then go back to his same ways."
"I think he's a little better than you are in that he'll just hide the actions better." Rin counters, patting Obito on the back as he pouts at her.
"As for my dreams . . ." Kurama murmurs. "It was a memory of my childhood. Not even a year out of the den . . . at a party hosted at the compound. I wasn't allowed to stay for long, but I and my brothers hid and watched with envy . . . the table full of the sweetest things in the world, all for the adults to gobble . . ."
"Is that even possible?!" Tsunade balks. "You can affect his body that deeply?!"
"Well considering he can heal Naruto at any time, and their minds have been linked for so long that possible other connections have grown and deepened it's not improbable." Minato decides, tapping a finger upon his lower lip thoughtfully. "In which case we should be more grateful than ever that Kurama is not . . . truly evil."
"Your specification is duly noted." Kakashi observes with dry humor.
"Ah! It does remind me," Rin cries. "Of the brief part of a chapter early on when Naruto craved berries because Kurama craved them. But for a dream to affect him so . . . it speaks of a near merging between the two of them."
Kurama trails off and blinks rapidly. Slowly, humor warms his eyes into crackling hearths that grace Naruto and his lips twitch into a small, guilty smile. "I was dreaming of sweets and desserts . . . tell me. How many slices of cake have you eaten recently?"
"And so the mystery is solved!" Obito claims.
"This was the stupidest fucking chapter of them all." Tsunade grumbles. "For fuck's sake, a dreaming fox made him eat all this? I call extreme bullshit."
"I'm sorry this chapter of my son's life disappointed you so." Kushina drawls.
Naruto laughs delightedly. Tsunade and the others behind her, are stupefied.
"Do you mean to tell me . . . that your dreams were causing his cravings?" Jiraiya asks, his voice shaking with a combination of amusement and exhaustion. Honestly, this kid always has so much going on . . .
Kurama ponders this, a hand on his chin as a finger taps a quiet beat on his left cheek. "Well . . . when it comes to mentally, there are some things I hold sway over. Like cancelling genjutsus for instance. And our bond is rather close, much like the other jinchuurikis— and they carry favor for foods their bijuu enjoy. It's the best bet."
"Hold on." Because Tsunade's head hurt. Badly. "So why the hell didn't you say anything Naruto?!"
"Oh what the fuck was I going to say?!" Naruto snaps back. He may not ever forget her beat down but he sure could bury it deep in his psyche. "Hey Tsunade I know I shouldn't snack so much but, it's really Kurama who wants it so what can you do? Would you have fucking believed me?!"
"I still don't." Tsunade snarls.
"Anything is possible with that brat so I'm on his camp." Jiraiya sounds weary and resigned, though his lips are quirked into a grin.
"Don't take that fucking tone with me brat!" Tsunade roars, shaking her fist.
"What the fuck is going on?" Raidou asks, but everyone ignores the question.
"My question is— why didn't you wake him?" Jiraiya points out the obvious. "If you had just woke him up you wouldn't have been bothered with all this?"
"Yes, why didn't you?" Kurama grumbles, wishing for a brief second he had just stayed asleep. The answer had him freeze in shock for all of a minute before he breaks.
Naruto blushes. "Well . . . I've never seen you dream before, and it was a good dream."
"Awww!" Kushina and Rin practically scream, the redhead melting in her seat and nearly slipping out of it. "That's the cutest fucking thing I've ever heard!" Kushina laughs so hard she sounds like she's sobbing.
"He's an idiot. No matter what anyone says, or his own reasons, he's an idiot." Kurama states quietly. "That, nothing can change, not even me."
"He makes me want to drink." Minato mutters under his breath, leaning back into the couch with an arm just above his eyes.
The clearing is void of sound, the answer stunning everyone at different levels. Naruto and Kurama stare at each other, the former with anxiety and the latter with incredulity. Then, slowly, Kurama's shoulders start to sake. His lips split wide open into a toothy grin. His eyes crinkle and then tremble shut with the tidal wave of laughter that erupts from him.
While Kurama is busy guffawing, Tsunade places her hands over her face and takes a slow, deep breath in. The breath whooshes out from her lungs but the anger still remains. "So what? You've suddenly lost all craving for sweets now?" she presses between her teeth.
Naruto gives her a strange look. "Come on Tsunade, keep up. The snacks were never the issue."
Jiraiya chokes with laughter, the next round of it clearing his throat and paving the way for all the rest that follow. Rin and Obito are no better as they fall into fits, Kakashi and Kurama the only ones not laughing and instead just exhausted with the brat.
"Yes they—!" Tsunade bites her tongue to cut off the words and takes another deep breath in. Then several more. "You . . . you brat . . ." the anger in her words is feeble, and crumbling under a wobbly voice.
Kurama's brows raise in interest. "Oh, are you going to cry?"
"Shut up!" Tsunade snaps, head pressing into her knees as she doubles over.
"What? What!" Naruto cries, now struggling up onto his elbows. Watching the younger blonde struggle while he still most likely has severe injuries Tsunade sucks her teeth in frustration and bypasses Kurama— still expressing himself in a rather hysterical manner and pounding the dirt into craters with his own fist—
"You're an ungrateful, troubling, completely useless brat." Tsunade informs Naruto in no uncertain tones, shooing away the chakra cloak as if it's sentient enough to understand her desires as her hands brighten with a mint glow. Naruto recalls the chakra back into his body for a more unobtrusive healing and cocks his head back to look at Tsunade's far too blank face as she heals his body.
Naruto smiles lightly. It's a funny thing about Tsunade most people didn't notice— you must be very close to her to tell. You knew Tsunade was hiding something when her face was blank, not a hint or tinge of emotion from the usually passionate woman breaking her mask.
"V-very true!" Jiraiya wheezes, holding his cramping stomach gingerly.
Not even for the Elders of Konoha, would she keep such a blank face— they were very much able to see the spark of annoyance or anger in her eyes. The only reason they didn't take advantage of that was because unlike the Sandaime, the Godaime was more than willing to bully them about should it come down to it.
"We're a pair of idiots aren't we Nade?" Naruto murmurs secretively to her.
Tsunade only graces him with a cold look. "I was perfectly justified in taking the actions I did."
"Except for throwing that shinobi at me." Naruto reminds her. "Or throwing that pole at me. Or partially destroying at least five buildings."
". . . Nothing a little concrete mix and caulk can't fix." Tsunade mumbles persistently, wrinkling her nose against the familiar tingle rising up from her sinuses.
Naruto grins, and when she leans a little further up with her hands to heal his shoulders he brings his right arm up and loops it around her shoulders, pulling her face into his neck. Placing a sloppy kiss half on her ear, half in her hair Naruto nuzzles her. "I'm sorry." He mumbles into the ash blonde locks.
Taking a deep breath to quell another peal of laughter, Kushina whipes her eyes and regards Tsunade bemusedly. "I'm jealous of you. I'm so jealous I think my eyes are green now."
"Take him. Take him and keep him away from me. I think I have an ulcer." Tsunade mumbles into the cloth of her pants, hands resting one atop the other at the back of her head.
Tsunade freezes, hands still healing him. After another minute of waiting Naruto nudges her with his chin. "I am dattebayo." He adds sincerely.
Slowly Tsunade relaxes into his grip and one hand grabs him in a similar hold, tightening their hug. "Yeah." She's sorry too.
Grinning, he shifts to hug his dear cousin better, whilst in the background Kurama laughs hoarsely, Jiraiya rubs his temples, and his other friends troop to the bar for several drinks. If you're going to be this confused, you might as well be drunk.
"A rather abrupt end to an entirely confusing chapter. I certainly didn't think something like that could happen." Kurama admits, breathing deeply. "I need a scotch."
"I need lots of sake. So, so much sake. And aspirin." Tsunade confesses. "May or may not take them at the same time."
"Oh, don't be such a spoilsport." Minato teases. "What shall we eat for dinner tonight?"
"Cake." Obito blurts out, cackling madly as Rin trips over the rug and Tsunade groans like a wounded animal.
Obviously I just wanted a chance to write a fight between Tsunade and Naruto. It was AWESOME in my head.
Now let's recap these last two chapters of Naruto. Honestly? I'm happy. I'm happy with the way things ended. This epilogue was way better than Harry Potter's at least right? I know the NaruSaku fans are soo mad right now but really? Come on, Sakura purposely kept herself at Sasuke's side, kept him in her heart. Naruto never had a chance in hell. For me, Naruto stopped liking Sakura when she lied to him at Iron Country. When he said, "I hate people who lie to themselves," i was like, "Well Sakura has fucked up."
And she did! But that's okay because she got her man in the end, and they deserve each other. Now, I was never a major fan of NaruHina and honestly while I do question the validity of that pairing even after Hinata's confession during the pain battle and Naruto holding her hand in the war I am glad they got together. He and Sakura would have clashed horribly, their personalities don't match. Their kids are super cute, and I like the little moments of fluff between Sasuke and his daughter and Naruto and his son Bolt. Naruto and Sasuke's last fight was amazingly epic and I'm glad they got replacement arms. Naruto's hair cut weirded me out for a bit but I'm getting used to it, and Sasuke went from bishie dream to Madara Clone real quick. What amazed me the most about chapter 700 though was two things.
Why did Anko let herself go, and how did Chouji get with that dime piece Karui. But other than that, great chapters. I started Naruto when i was in sixth grade and it's ended near to the end of my first semester of my junior year of college. I . . . I'm sad but more than anything I'm glad.
Review and comment people. We've come a long way.
Love,
Bloody Mad~3
P.S. So it seems the Byakugan isn't 100% dominant if neither of Naruto's kids have it. At least, not Bolt. I wonder how that will change the Hyuuga Fandom in fics to come, if it's not completely necessary to seal people so that the Byakugan never leaves the family?
