A/N: I'm so sorry to leave you waiting this long for an update. I moved to a new place and it was a lot of work getting everything installed and organized. It didn't help that I was without wi-fi for a week, too. But, the updates should come back to a more regular pace now, assuming I can still English. ;)

The lovely maryread (auditoreos on tumblr) made a fantastic playlist for this fic on 8tracks. If you have some time, check it out. Just look for maryread and you should find this and more of her playlists.

Thank you all for reading and reviewing, and to my wonderful beta, Suilven!


Chapter 48 - Silence

June 28th, 2183

There had been a lot of discussion about whether this ceremony should be held on Mindoir, where she had spent her childhood; or in Vancouver, her second home; or on Arcturus Station, where she had trained and then helped defend it from Cerberus; or on Elysium, where she had become a hero for humanity; or in Rio, where she had become an N-operative and lived for the past seven years; or, finally, on the Citadel, where she had become a hero for the galaxy.

For her friends and loved ones, who had needed to say goodbye and have some closure, the wait had been hard to bear.

In the end, the Council and the Alliance had reached a compromise: they would have a human ceremony, fully coordinated by the Alliance, but held on the Citadel.

Kaidan was relieved that Anderson had offered to take care of it, because he didn't think he could do it. He still hadn't fully accepted what had happened.

May 6th Ilos

"I'm not in your shore party?"

"You were shot, Kaidan. Only three days ago."

"I'm fine. You have to take me with you."

"I don't have to do anything, lieutenant."

He did not care about her pulling rank on him. "Shepard, don't leave me behind. Please."

"You could've died on Virmire. I had to carry your limp body back to the ship. Your blood was all over me. Do you have any idea what it did to me seeing you like that?" She took a deep breath as if even remembering it made her feel nervous. "You're all I have, and I'm not bringing you groundside when you're still recovering from a wound. This is not a game to me. Remember what we talked about last night? If I lose you, I lose everything. Do you understand?"

More like accepted it. He wasn't completely happy about it, but he gave up arguing. "Yes, ma'am."

She grabbed him by the collar and pulled him into a secluded alcove past the Mako, kissing him hard on the lips. "I love you."

He relaxed a little; still upset, but not angry at her anymore. "I love you, too."

"I'm leaving you in charge. Already talked to Pressly."

He nodded. "Be careful, Lisa. I can't lose you either."

"I'll be back soon." She kissed him again and then took a step back to salute him formally. "Acting-Captain Alenko."

He mirrored her gesture, proud of the trust she'd placed in him. "I'll get her back to you in one piece, commander."

They were about to try a very risky Mako drop, and Kaidan went straight to the helm to monitor it. Garrus and Pressly joined him there to render assistance and, for the next four hours, they remained in the cockpit, listening to the radio chatter from the ground team and monitoring the feed from their suits.

The conversation with Vigil — a Prothean VI Shepard had found in a bunker on Ilos — and the information it had about the Prothean war against the Reapers and the true purpose of the Citadel was shocking to say the least.

Even more shocking was Shepard's announcement that she was going to hit a relay on the Mako — the Conduit was actually a small scale mass relay that connected directly to the Citadel, bypassing its defenses and security checks.

"Are you sure about this?" Kaidan asked her on the comm.

"No, but we have to try."

He nodded even though she couldn't see him. "Take care, commander. We'll meet you on the other side." After disconnecting, he took a deep breath, trying not to think about the millions of ways her plan could go wrong. "Joker, head back to the Citadel. We need to get there as fast as possible. Shepard will want the Normandy at the head of the fleet."

"Aye aye, sir."

May 7th – Citadel

They got to the Citadel to find Sovereign and its geth fleet already engaged in full blown combat with the Council forces and the Alliance.

Kaidan ordered Joker to get the Normandy in formation with the Fifth Fleet as they advanced on the enemy ships and, at the same time, he started trying to reach Shepard on the comm. During their eight-hour trip from Ilos back to the Widow System, they hadn't been able to contact the ground team once and they hadn't even been able to access the feed from their suits with their positions and vital signs.

When a communication channel was finally opened, somehow bypassing the geth jamming signals, Kaidan felt his heart skip a beat.

"Normandy to the Citadel. Normandy to the Citadel. Please, tell me that's you, commander."

"It's me, Joker."

In the helm, the men sighed in relief to hear her. Vigil's data file had worked; Shepard had control of the Citadel. Kaidan checked the readings from her suit on his tool and the information was finally updated; she was well except for the signs of strain and exhaustion that were more than expected considering that her deployment on Ilos had happened almost fourteen hours ago.

There was no time for catching up now, though. The Destiny Ascension was under heavy fire and requesting assistance. As the CO of the Fifth Fleet and ranking officer in the battle, Admiral Hackett ordered his ships to move in and save the Ascension.

Kaidan kept the comm channel with the Normandy's ground party open, and heard as Wrex, Liara, and Tali voiced their concerns that those ships might be needed to take down Sovereign.

"The Alliance must have enough ships here that sending the Fifth Fleet to assist the Ascension won't jeopardize the mission. Hackett wouldn't give the order otherwise," the commander said, using the Citadel controls to keep the relays open for the human fleet.

Kaidan agreed with her. She might have led a mutiny just yesterday, but it was clear that, despite breaking a million regs, she was still first and foremost an Alliance marine.

That was just one of the many reasons why it was fitting that the Alliance presided over this ceremony to honor her memory.


Wrex snorted as Councilor Valern went up to the podium to give his speech.

Shepard was a warrior like few others and deserved a true krogan send off, not this parade of mushy politicians who had never held a gun, pretending they had known her well and that they hadn't disagreed with her every step of the way.

Not that Wrex hadn't had his share of disagreements with her, but it had been different between them.

Wrex sprung out of cover to fire his shotgun after his biotic attacks proved to be ineffective. "If you'd have let me take his head, this wouldn't have happened."

Shepard just huffed a curse in response. Saren had somehow come back to life as a half synthetic creature, mutated by Reaper technology, and he was giving them a lot of trouble. In his husk form, the turian had developed annoying new tech abilities. He'd overheated Wrex's shotgun so many times that the krogan had given up shooting and started charging him, trying to hit him in the head with his useless overheated weapon. But, husk Saren was faster, much faster than Wrex, and agile like a geth hopper. As he dodged the krogan, he took Tali out of the fight with a carnage aimed straight to her head. It cracked her face plate and Shepard ordered Liara to cover the quarian while Tali tried to fix it with omni-gel. She could die if her face plate fell apart, and the only thing Shepard could do to help her at the moment was to try to get Saren's attention and make him focus his attacks on her instead of Tali.

Wrex might have lost his cool during that long, annoying fight, but not Shepard. She had kept her head in the game and she had brought Saren down. Her talent for identifying and exploiting an enemy's weak spots, her ability to come up with a new strategy in the blink of an eye, and her leadership skills made her the best battlemaster Wrex had encountered so far.

He had never told her that, of course. Warriors gained nothing with compliments. Head butts were more useful. Not that he had ever actually headbutted Shepard. But, they had had a good run and, secretly, he wished he had asked her to come with him when he had left the Normandy to find his own battles. She might be alive today if she had said yes, and if she had said no, at least he wouldn't be regretting not having asked. Wrex had never expected this to happen, but he missed this human.


Kaidan couldn't help noticing how all three alien Council members hadn't said a word about the Reapers in their speeches. They had spoken of Shepard's fight against Saren and the geth. Nothing else.

An election to decide who was going to fill the seat humanity had been granted on the Council would be held in a few days. Shepard had suggested Anderson run for it, but he hadn't taken it seriously, and she hadn't mentioned it again.

Udina was probably going to win; he was ahead in the polls. The other candidate was Claude Menneau's daughter, Sabine. Kaidan wasn't even going to bother voting. He was still trying to figure out how to go on, how to deal with this mundane stuff and the day-to-day life without her.

"Normandy to shore party. I repeat, Normandy to shore party." Joker shook his head at Kaidan. There was no response.

While the fleet celebrated the victory over Sovereign and the geth, the Normandy had been trying nonstop to contact the ground team. Seeing gigantic Reaper parts crashing against the Citadel Tower made them fear the worst. Kaidan was constantly checking the readings from Shepard's suit and he did not like what he was seeing — she was injured, her medi-gel reserves were depleted, and her low respiratory and heart rate were indicative that she might be losing consciousness.

"Joker, bring the Normandy to dock. Garrus, come with me. Let's go find them." Over the intercom, Kaidan also enlisted the help of his marine detail and Dr. Chakwas. They all met at the airlock while waiting for the Citadel Space Traffic Control to give the Normandy clearance to dock.

The station was a mess of panicking civilians, busy C-Sec officers, and prying reporters. When they arrived at the Tower, Kaidan and his party encountered more destruction than anywhere else they had passed by, with enormous Reaper parts blocking access to several areas.

Captain Anderson was already there, leading the search effort, with marines, medical professionals, and volunteers.

"Sir," Kaidan saluted him.

"Lieutenant, it's good to see you. Do you have their locations?"

Considering Anderson's friendly tone and how promptly Hackett had accepted the Normandy back into the Fifth Fleet a few hours earlier, it appeared the brass was willing to overlook their mutiny and theft of a prototype warship.

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Lead the way."

Kaidan wasn't losing her. Not today. He would find her.


Like any Alliance marine that lived long enough these days, Anderson no longer stopped to wonder if it was fair whenever a soldier died too young. Whenever a friend got killed, he didn't dwell in denial and pointless wishes for different outcomes. Whenever one of the good ones was lost, he didn't agonize over thoughts that they might be irreplaceable. Cemeteries were full of great admirals, honorable politicians, inspiring heroes. With or without them, the galaxy kept going. Life kept going. None of them had actually been irreplaceable.

This time, however, he was feeling like a newbie who had lost his commanding officer mid-mission and knew he had to carry on, but had no idea how. This thought hadn't crossed his mind in ages, but what if they had indeed lost someone irreplaceable this time?

The Council was already denying Sovereign was a Reaper. Without Shepard, would the galaxy really keep going? Would life?

The first ones they found were Tali and Liara. The asari had created a barrier large enough to protect them both from the collapse and, other than Tali's faceplate being smudged with omni-gel which was impairing her vision, they seemed fine.

Liara even joined the search and rescue effort, helping Kaidan to biotically move the larger debris out of the way.

They found Wrex next, crawling out from underneath a pile of rubble. The krogan was limping, but refused any assistance, already calling out for Shepard as he headed towards the most wrecked part of the tower.

Anderson was not surprised that Shepard had gotten her whole crew on board with the idea of committing mutiny and stealing the Normandy. He was not surprised that she had gotten the job done despite the odds being against her. He was surprised, though, that she had gained the loyalty of all these aliens, since dealing with other species had never been her strong suit. It seemed this tour had taught her a lesson in tolerance.

She did not look well when they finally freed her from underneath the Reaper debris. Her right arm had gotten stuck and it was broken and bloodied. There was another bleeding wound on her leg and her face was all scrunched up in pain.

Dr. Chakwas suggested they take her to the Normandy medbay, and Anderson agreed; the hospitals on the Citadel were probably too busy already with the wounded from the geth invasion.

The captain waited in the mess with the rest of the crew while Alenko and the doctor tended to the commander.

The small crowd only dispersed after Chakwas came outside to let them know Shepard was going to be fine. Apart from the arm — broken in two places — all her other injuries had been superficial.

"Can I see her?" Anderson asked, and Chakwas acquiesced.

Two steps into the medbay and the captain turned around and left. Shepard and Alenko had been kissing. On the mouth. Passionately. Anderson could've called them on that blatant disregard for Alliance regulations, but decided not to. They had seemed so taken with each other; their nervous kiss, the way they had been clinging to each other... Anderson knew this feeling — after close calls, when all you wanted was to be with the one you loved and celebrate the fact that you had made it out alive. He and Kahlee had had their share of moments like this, but they had let other things get in the way of their happiness, always postponing the beginning of their life together. Anderson was happy to overlook Shepard's transgression now and let her have a shot at love and having a personal life. She had just saved the galaxy; she deserved it.


Tali's request to say a few words was unexpected, but welcome; a nice change of pace from all the politicians that hadn't really known the commander, but had insisted on speaking anyway.

Shepard hadn't been one to make friends easily and she had lost way too many of the few she had made. In her last tour, however, she had had better luck in that area. Kaidan found some comfort in the fact that all her friends, old and new, were here today. All but one.

May 12th Sirona

The Williams family was having memorial service for Ashley on the colony world where she had been born and where they still lived. Most of the Normandy crew was in attendance.

But for her arm still on a sling, Shepard was healed from the wounds she had sustained in the fight against Saren. In her dress blues, she went up to the podium to give the eulogy she had prepared. "I'm Commander Jane Shepard; Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams' CO. But today I'm here as Ash's friend, Skipper. I tried to be just her CO, but she wouldn't have it. She missed her sisters and she treated me as if I were one of them — one of hers. Everyone on the Normandy called her Ash, not because she asked us to, but because she treated everyone with such openness and honesty; familiarity came easily with her. Before her, we were just a crew. She made us a family."

Shepard's eulogy continued for a few more minutes. It was true and heartfelt. She spoke of Ash's dedication and loyalty to both her friends and to the military, and then stepped away to let Sarah Williams speak. As she came back to sit by his side, Kaidan took the commander's hand in his, meaning to just give it a light squeeze to show his appreciation for her speech, but she laced her fingers with his and didn't let go until it was time to fold up the Systems Alliance flag and present it to Ashley's mother.

That had been a hard week. Williams' memorial hadn't been the only one they had had to attend.

May 14th Arcturus Space Station

"Shepard, what are you doing?!"

"Coping."

Kaidan knew that grieving in a healthy way wasn't exactly her style, but since he had never experienced loss on the level that she had, he had decided to not interfere with her grieving process. That changed, though, the minute he walked in on her barefoot, in dress pants and a sports bra, shooting the model Destiny Ascension while reciting the names of the Fifth Fleet ships that had been destroyed in the push to save the Council during the Battle of the Citadel.

Earlier that day, they had attended the collective memorial service for Ming, Torres, and the nearly six hundred Alliance soldiers that had perished in the battle. After the ceremony, Shepard was supposed to be settling in at Kaidan's apartment in the officers' quarters while he was out getting groceries. Instead, the personal effects she had retrieved from her cabin on the Normandy were still packed; the exception being the model ship, now in pieces from being used for target practice.

He held out his hand to her and was relieved when she passed him the pistol without any objections. At least she had bothered to use a silencer. As he put the gun away, she slumped on the bed with a heavy sigh. If there was a bright side to this, it was that she seemed as comfortable in his apartment as if she were in her own.

Kaidan joined her in bed, minding her injured arm as he pulled her into his embrace. "What's this?" he asked, lightly putting his finger on a bandage on her side.

"New tattoo." She sounded much calmer now, if a bit tired.

"Really? When did you get it?"

"Right after the memorial service. Apparently, if you save the galaxy, you don't need to make an appointment."

"Already reaping the benefits, huh?" He chuckled. "Can I see it?"

"It's just a poem."

"I didn't know you liked poetry."

"I'm not sure if I do. I haven't read many."

"You liked this one enough to get it tattooed. At least tell me what it is if you don't want to show me."

"It's..." she swallowed hard, her gaze becoming unfocused, "Tennyson."

She didn't need to say more. He should've figured that out without having to ask. Everyone remembered seeing Ash around and about with that book. Kaidan was sure he could even guess which poem it was.

He tightened his arms around Shepard, and she sagged against his chest, sucking in a ragged breath. Even if it was in her own messed up ways, Shepard was honestly trying to find alternative coping mechanisms that worked for her.

At the same time that Kaidan was upset over all the friends they had lost, he was also content for Shepard and himself. This tour, as hard as it had been, had made them grow a lot and had brought them much closer. He had no doubt that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. When the time was right, he was going to ask her to marry him.


Emily Wong had never refused a job. She had covered everything about Shepard's career so far. Hell, she had even covered the Normandy crash and the rescue of the surviving crew.

That changed today as she told her boss that she couldn't attend this ceremony as a reporter. She needed a break to say goodbye to her best and oldest friend.

May 17th – Citadel

"Is there anything else you'd like to add, commander?"

"The threat to the galaxy did not end with Sovereign. It started. Humanity is part of the galactic community now and we must stand together with the other species and prepare for what is coming."

"Powerful words, commander. Thank you." Emily Wong turned to face her flying cam and addressed her viewers one final time before ending the broadcast.

The Council had just awarded the Fifth Fleet with the Palladium Star, and the Taralos Amphitheater in the Kithoi Ward was packed with reporters.

"Are you giving any other interviews today?" Emily asked Shepard, now off the record.

"You know I only give interviews to you, Emz."

"And to Al-Jilani."

"She ambushed me. If I just blew her off, I'd look like a complete asshole."

"Yeah, I guess. You nailed that interview by the way. But, try not to make a habit out of it. Thanks to our exclusivity deal, every network here is after me. My boss even doubled my salary because she was afraid that she might lose me to the competition."

"Hey, don't worry. It's not like I enjoy being on camera anyway."

"So, anything else you have to do here or..."

Shepard spared a glance at the ambassadors, politicians, and members of the Alliance brass, some already coming her way with photographers after noticing she wasn't busy anymore. "Nope. Let's get out of here."

"What about Kaidan?"

"I believe he's… busy. I'll text him our location; he can meet us later," the commander said, smirking as she slipped outside the amphitheater, already hailing a cab.

Before following her friend outside, Emily saw the dignitaries and reporters flocking to the sentinel after having lost sight of Shepard. Shaking her head, Wong walked out and got into the cab the commander had gotten them.

They had gone to a bar on the Silversun Strip that night. As if he had known that that would be the last time Emily and Shepard would get to spend time together before the commander's death, Kaidan hadn't shown up to join them. He had just replied to Shepard's text saying that he would go back to the hotel and that she should have a girl's night with Emily.

While at first Wong had been angry that she hadn't spent as much time as she would've liked with her best friend, she now felt grateful for the time they had had together. Everyone knew Commander Shepard — the Hero of the Citadel; few could say they had known the woman. Emily was proud to have been one of those few.


Barbra watched her son as he walked over to the podium. She had cried for Jane, but today her tears were for Kaidan. She could only imagine how hard it was for him to attend this memorial and keep his voice steady as he talked about the loss of his CO, pretending it was not for the love of his life that he was grieving.

They had seemed so happy when they had visited Vancouver last month, announcing they would be moving in together, making plans for the future, and standing up for themselves and their relationship when Rylan tried to berate them for not following the rules.

May 19th Vancouver

"Why not stay at the house in Rio?"

Smiling, Rylan shook his head at his wife. "Your Ma is only saying that because it would be easier for her to visit you in Rio than on Arcturus."

She waved him off. "Of course not. I mean, yes, Rio is closer. But, living in a house near the coast is much better than living on a space station. Just imagine when you have ki–"

"One thing at a time, Ma," Kaidan interrupted at the sight of Shepard's quickly widening eyes.

"She was going to say pets, right, Barb? Kaidan always wanted a dog." Rylan laughed and winked at them.

"We're planning to keep the apartment on Arcturus just while we're serving on the Normandy. Then, we'll move to Shepard's house in Rio," Kaidan explained.

"Wait." Rylan suddenly looked a lot more serious. "You'll still be serving together?"

The sentinel rubbed the back of his neck, and exchanged a glance with Shepard. "We've completed this mission, but the tour is not over yet."

"So, you'll be breaking the rules until the tour ends? Do you think that's a good idea?"

The marines tensed up at Rylan's tone and Barbra put a hand on his shoulder, silently asking him to let it go.

"Commander Alenko, you must know that serving aboard the Normandy is one of the most prestigious postings the Alliance has today. Kaidan was personally chosen by Captain Anderson for this position and I'm not taking it away from him. He's not only the head of my marine detail, but also my right hand man. If anything happens to me, the Normandy will be his. I need him on the ship."

"Nothing will happen to you, Shepard," Kaidan told her and then turned to his father. "We've dedicated our lives to the Alliance. Our careers have always come first. That's why we'll both remain on the Normandy. We fight better together."

Shepard nodded in agreement. "We are a team. A great team, to be honest. We're used to going into combat together and we rely on each other. We've discussed this already and decided that it would be for the best if we continued serving on the Normandy."

Barbra was proud to see them defending each other and their relationship like this. She had no doubt that they could keep their personal lives separate from their jobs. And, she felt better knowing they were together out there, watching each other's backs.

It hadn't been enough, though. Things had fallen apart for them in the most heartbreaking way possible. Barbra was thankful that Kaidan had gotten out alive, but she doubted he would ever be the same again. His eyes had lost their sparkle, always ridden with guilt now, and he wasn't taking care of himself like he used to. At least he had cut his hair, shaved, and put on a clean uniform for the ceremony today. It was a start, although the dark circles around his eyes, the way his uniform seemed a bit loose, his empty gaze, and his tired voice were a dead giveaway that he was far from being fine.


Kaidan Alenko had never given a speech before. In another time, being put in this position would've gotten him all worried, writing and rewriting his words, and practicing for hours in front of a mirror. He would've felt nervous and embarrassed and would've probably given a stiff presentation. But this was not another time.

This was the most important speech he would ever give and it would be flawless. He would honor Shepard the way she deserved, and nervousness, embarrassment, and stiffness were not that way. So, he'd begun to prepare for it ten days in advance, and had started by getting out of his apartment; he couldn't give a speech from his bedroom, where he had been holed up for most of the time. He also started seeing the grief counselor Anderson had recommend to him; he couldn't honor Shepard if he couldn't talk about her without getting angry or emotional. He started shaving again, drinking less, and eating better; it would be an insult to her legacy if he showed up at her memorial looking like anything less than a model marine.

He did not, though, feel the need to practice in front of a mirror. And, when he went up to the podium, he did not feel nervous or embarrassed. It came as no surprise to him that talking about the greatness of Shepard was easy as hell.

"Lieutenant Commander Jane Shepard gave everything for the galaxy — a galaxy that wasn't always kind to her, as her scars would attest to," Kaidan started. He could do this. "But, she never wavered in her fight to make it a better place. All the violence she suffered, all the hardship that permeated her early life only made her fight harder to make the galaxy safer. Every night that we sleep soundly, every moment we spend with our loved ones, it is thanks to her. She saved Elysium, she saved Eden Prime, she saved Feros, Terra Nova, and the Citadel. She saved every single one of us here today."

Pausing, he took a deep breath. Talking about the great Commander Shepard was easy indeed, but keeping his mind from wandering to Lisa Mae — the woman he loved more than anything in the world — that was difficult as hell.

May 21st – Rio de Janeiro

"So, what do you think?"

"Ma was right."

"About… ?"

"Here. This would be a great place to raise a family."

"Kaidan… "

"Marry me, Shepard."

"W-What?"

He went down on one knee in front of her, his hands holding hers. "Lisa Mae Shepard, will you marry me?"

"You're serious. You're doing this for real."

She was speaking mostly to herself and wasn't really asking anything, but he still answered her, a reassuring smile on his lips. "Yes, I'm serious. Marry me."

She dropped to her knees in front of him, crashing her mouth against his. "Yes." She kissed him again. "Yes." Pushing him to the floor on his back, she straddled him and then bent over him to connect their mouths a third time. "Hell, yeah, Kaidan Alenko. I will marry you," she whispered against his lips.

The Normandy crew had been given three weeks of leave while the ship had been docked on Arcturus for repairs, but with all Shepard and Kaidan had planned to do during their leave, coupled with the official appointments they had had to attend, there hadn't been enough time to shop for a ring. But at least, when the opportunity had presented itself, he hadn't wasted it, and had proposed to her.

Kaidan put his fingers lightly to his lips, hoping he would never forget how hers used to feel pressed against his, and took another deep breath. He would finish this speech. He could do this.

"Some may question what they would live for or what they would die for. For Commander Shepard, there was never any doubt. She lived for protecting others, and that was what she died for. We still don't know what attacked the Normandy. It was not a fair fight. Many were lost that day, and more would've been, if not for the commander. She put everyone else's safety ahead of hers."

Scanning the crowd with his eyes, Kaidan spotted Joker in the last row of chairs. The pilot had his face half-buried in his palms. He looked different, ragged and tired with his beard unkempt and wearing civilian clothes. That was not the man Shepard had given her life for.

The sentinel understood that there would have been no survivors if not for Joker's skills as a pilot. He had bought the crew time to escape but, at the same time, he had been too cocky to admit defeat and abandon the ship when the time had come.

Kaidan looked away and took a deep breath. He could do this.

"The Normandy was falling apart, but she wouldn't leave until she had gotten everyone she could into the escape pods. And she died rescuing the last crewmember still aboard the ship. Saving a life; that was the last thing she did. Although she took part in countless ground assignments that ended in direct confrontation with enemy forces, that was not what took her down in the end. She did not die in a shootout. She died giving her life to save another, and that says a lot about Shepard — the marine and the woman."

Kaidan did not blame the pilot for her death. How could he, when only minutes earlier he had safely escaped the ship, leaving Shepard behind? Given his history of insubordination under her command, it was a damn cruel irony that on the day that it could really have made a difference, he had chosen to be a good soldier and not to question her. If he had gone with her to get Joker, maybe he would've been able to get her in that damned escape pod. Or, maybe he would've died with her. Either way would've been better than surviving her and having to live with this guilt and grief that seemed to know no end and that were eating him alive.

June 9th – Amada System

"Fuck!"

"Shepard? Shepard!"

"Kaidan…" Her breathing was labored and her voice wavered in an unusual way.

"We saw that last blast. Did you get Joker?"

"Kaidan, I'm so sorry."

"Shepard, what do you mean? Where are you?"

"Joker is safe, but I couldn't get into the pod."

For an instant, while realization dawned on the lieutenant, it was like the whole galaxy had come to a halt. Everything sprang into motion again in the following second as he tried to come up with a plan to rescue her. "How much oxygen have you got?" he asked and opened his tool to check if the feed from her suit was still being updated.

"Nine seconds. There's a leak."

Just like that, everything stopped again. He lowered his eyes to his tool and saw the numbers dropping.

00:00:08

"Can you reach the leak? Seal it with omni-gel?" he asked, even though he already knew the answer. If she could have, she would've done it — and by any means that could keep her from running out of air long enough for them to rescue her.

00:00:07

"Tried. Can't reach it."

00:00:06

He shouldn't have wasted one of her last breaths with that stupid question. How were the comms even working and the feed being updated in real time anyway? He couldn't tell if that was a blessing or a curse.

00:00:05

"Shepard, please…" He didn't know what he was begging for. A miracle? To wake up and find out this was just a nightmare? His life ending with hers?

00:00:04

"Kaidan, it's okay. I'm going to see my family." She sounded so calm, as if she had already made her peace with what was going to happen. He couldn't accept it.

00:00:03

"No. It's not okay. It's not." He couldn't help how his voice came out, all shaky and heavy with emotion.

00:00:02

"I love you, Kaidan."

00:00:01

"I love you, Lisa."

Just like he couldn't take his eyes off that horrid countdown showing her running out of air, he also couldn't turn off the comm while she heaved, and gasped, and choked. He heard everything, with clenched fists and gritted teeth, trying to keep his biotics under control and not put the other marines in the pod at risk.

He fell to his knees without even noticing as he clawed at the back of his own head until he had ripped his amp out of the jack. Despite his efforts, dark energy still erupted around him, making gravity shift inside the pod and warning lights flash on the control panel.

There was one last strangled gasp on the comm and then all he heard was silence.

Kaidan took a deep breath. He had been wrong. He couldn't do this.