Chapter 51

Wednesday, July 7

11:54 pm

Sorry I couldn't write in you for a long time. Damn Mum made me give you to her for Tess's and my honeymoon. Which was stupid as fuck.

All we did was go to Hawaii and sit on the beach and drink lemonade, and then Mum called and told me we couldn't come back until Tess's eggo was preggo. Which was gross. Because let me tell you something – vaginas are the scariest mythical creatures that you will ever (hopefully not) stumble across. They're nasty and disgusting and look like they're gonna eat your dick off.

So, I was sitting there on the bed, in the NUDDY PANTS, and so was Tess, and I couldn't do it. It was so scary. I freaked out and when I tried to do it, I fainted.

Yes. Fainted.

And I tried to do it three more times and I ended up crying. It was awful.

But yeah, we told Mum that her eggo is preggo, even though it's not. Cause frankly, we were sick of Hawaii. I don't like surfing and Tess got stung by a jellyfish and I had to pee on her. Which was gross.

11:59 pm

Fuck, does this mean I'm gay?

12:02 am

Ohhhh lordy. How am I going to explain this to Mum?

12:03 am

Unless I'm not gay. Then I don't have to tell her I'm gay. Cause I'm not gay.

1:26 am

Confused. Been pondering this for a long time.

1:30 am

I hate to do it, but I think I might have to have an intense conversation with Jason about this tomorrow…

1:37 am

Blarg. Goodnight.

Thursday, July 8

12:26 pm

Just talked with Jason.

That has got to have been the most AWKWARD conversation I've EVER had with him in my ENTIRE life. (Except for when he talked to me about that one thing you REALLY don't need to know about.)

But, whatever. His boyfriend's little brother is a slutty homosexual 16-year-old and he's going to be coming over TONIGHT. And apparently, me and him are gonna play seven minutes in heaven to find out if I'm actually gay.

I don't know how this is going to work out, but whatever. Jason went to college so he's smart.

12:30 pm

Okay. What. The. Fuck.

I swear to god, we have ten packs of Jello in our fridge.

12:39 pm

Me and Shane were talking about sexy. And he said something about librarians.

I was like, "Did you just say librarians were sexy?"

And he said, "Oh yes. Cause librarians really work my shit."

I laughed for about five minutes straight. It was hysterical.

Okay, maybe not, but I thought it was. At the time it was really funny.

12:43 pm

Shane just asked me how to spell burger.

12:58 pm

Mumsie Dearest wants me to switch schools. I don't know why. She showed me this pamphlet for this school she wants me to go to. There was a picture of these kids. They were the most disgusting, ghetto, hick, gross, disgusting (wait I already said disgusting), lame excuses for teenagers I have ever seen in my entire life.

They were doing this lame ass pose with their thumbs up and these stupid smiles. One of the kids had their hand over their face. (Retard.) And then ALL of them looked like they hadn't showered in a week. I swear to god, it was disgusting. And I'm pretty sure one of them was wearing a trash bag.

1:39 pm

Cockroaches are so scary. I went into the loo and I saw one over in the corner. I blinked and it was gone. What the hell?

1:58 pm

Internet isn't working. Crap. What will I do with my life now?

2:14 pm

Wrote a fan letter to Alexander Rybak, the hottest little Norwegian nugget violin player in the universe.

2:16 pm

Shit, wait a second. I just called a guy hot.

BLOODY HELL, I AM GAY!

2:19 pm

Wow, this lemonade I'm drinking is making my throat all sticky and gross like after giving someone a blow job or something.

2:20 pm

Yet I can't stop drinking it…

2:23 pm

I've decided that the Bible is the older version of Twitter. Except they had more than 140 characters to work with.

2:41 pm

For some reason my tongue hurts. And I have no idea why. But it's pissing me off.

2:46 pm

I'm on Tranny alert. I could have sworn I just saw the green Prius I bought for her driving down our street.

2:47 pm

Watching That's So Raven. In this episode, a cricket gets loose in their house. If this were Desperate Housewives, a poisonous snake would be in their house.

2:50 pm

Going to the mall with Smitchie.

The internet still isn't working. Sad.

2:52 pm

WHAT THE HELL!? Shane just jumped out of the window!

2:53 pm

No, no, he's fine. He didn't get hurt or anything. He's just an idiot and has the IQ of a garden snail.

At the mall

Stopped for a late lunch at the mall food court. Mitchie wanted me to buy some khaki shorts from the GAP. I said, "Mitchie, I'm not a mid-western lesbian, I'll never wear these."

She bought them anyway cause she said I'd look cute in them.

Which I don't.

At all.

I tried them on and I looked like a lesbian.

7:05 pm

So, the mall today was fun.

Shane jumped into the fountain. Mitchie ate five hotdogs. I got dressed up as a lesbian. And Mitchie's water broke. All over my shoe.

We both started screaming and everyone in Dillard's looked at us. Then Mitchie screamed, "OH MY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST! MY VAGINA JUST EXPLODED!" Then she was like, "Shane! Get your ass over here!"

Then Shane ran over, picked up Mitchie, and just sprinted towards the car. I had to attempt to keep up. They almost left without me.

Anyway, we made quite an entrance in the emergency room.

Mitchie was screaming her ass off and Shane was still carrying her, and I was just kinda there.

Everyone looked at us.

I called Mum and Jason and Becca and Tess and they called the paparazzi and reality TV show people. So now we're sitting here with five cameras, our whole family minus Gene, and a few doctors, waiting for Mitchie's kid to pop out.

7:06 pm

And Shane just got up, said, "Damn, if we're gonna do this, I need some vodka," and left.

Friday, July 9

3:12 am

I'm still here. Mitchie's been screaming for like five hours. Her kid does NOT want to come out into the world.

I don't blame him. Or her. (We still don't know the gender.) The world is a horrible place filled with a bunch of assholes. Like Miley Cyrus. And the Jonas Brothers.

3:20 am

Got some Fritos from the vending machine. This whole experience reminds me of that movie, "Knocked Up." Except this whole disgusting scene is longer than a minute. It's been a good seven hours.

3:28 am

My ears hurt. I have a headache. Mitchie needs to shut up.

4:01 am

HAHAHA.

Mitchie: "I hate you, Shane!"

Shane: "What did I do?"

Mitchie: "You did this to me! You and your stupid boy penis!"

Shane: "It's not my fault!"

Mitchie: "Yes it is!"

Then Shane ran out of the room.

4:32 am

Shane just came back into the room and said, "I puked in the mini-fridge."

I looked at him and said, "There is no mini-fridge in here…?"

"Oh. Then what did I puke in?"

Then he shrugged it off and sat back down in his chair.

4:40 am

"I can't do it, Shane! Will you do it for me?" – Mitchie

6:52 am

AWWW! Smitchie's baby is so cute! It's a little girl! (Cue the awws.)

7:01 am

They wanted to name her Marijuana. We were thinking of names and Shane said, "Mary Jane!" Mitchie agreed.

I said, "Are you serious? You want to name your kid after a drug?"

They both nodded.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course you would. How about something nice? Like… Katheryn?"'

"How about Crystal?" Mitchie suggested. "Her middle name could be Meth!"

Smitchie high-fived.

I said, "This is why teenaged pregnancy is a bad thing."

7:12 am

We've decided on the name Autumn. Autumn Leaf Torres-Gray. (I know, right? They named her Autumn even though it's summer.)

It wasn't my first choice, but it was either that or X Stacy, so I'm pretty okay with it.

Tess and I got to hold Autumn for the first time a moment ago and Tess got so emotional. She started crying and hugged me and said, "Let's have a baby!"

I just patted her on the back.

Uhh… okay, crazy woman.

7:13 am

Maybe I should tell her I'm gay.

Home

I've been up for twenty-four hours. It's time to sleep.

Nighty morning.

Saturday, July 10

3:14 pm

Gene's back.

He rang our doorbell and I looked through the little peeper hole and I saw him and I screamed.

Mum came over to the door and opened it and she yelled at him for like an hour.

He came back to apologize to Mum. He even started crying in his apology to us. And he told us he broke up with Tranny and apologized a whole bunch. And gave Mum some roses and gave me a chocolate bunny. I threw it away.

I bet it was poisoned.

I still don't trust that guy.

Mum does, however. She and him are like doing it. Right now. I guess she forgives him.

5:08 pm

We're "starting fresh."

A new family. A new life. A new beginning.

Only we're still living in Kiwi-a-gogo land, I'm still Nate, Gene's still a dick hole, and the day doesn't feel any different.

I'm not forgiving him. Something just doesn't seem right about him. I mean, no one with an ounce of pride comes back and apologizes to their family.

Right?

5:11 pm

Fine, okay maybe I am being a little irrational.

5:12 pm

OKAY, a lot irrational. Happy now?

6:34 pm

Dear Smitchie's baby: SHUT THE HELL UP. THANKS. LOVE, NATE.

8:49 pm

Ew, we're having tacos for dinner.

Sunday, July 11

1:11 pm

Gene went to church with us. Everyone except me and Autumn sat in the service. Autumn started crying so of course I was the one that had to take her out to the playground.

It's fucking hot out today. So it sucked.

3:25 pm

He's taking us on a family vacation to the west coast. I don't even know what the hell is over there. I don't even know why the hell he's taking us on a vacation. I mean, sure school's out and everything, but why do we need to go on a family vacation?

10:46 pm

I kiss a boy and I… liked it?

The taste of his cherry chapstick?

T'is true. Jason took me to a party his boyfriend was throwing just for gay men. It was very fabulous, everyone was dressed nicely, none of the colours clashed, it was obviously NOT the work of a heterosexual.

I found a guy my age and he even invited me to dance with him. And he kissed me. And I really enjoyed it.

Wow.

I need to divorce Tess.

11:15 pm

Tomorrow, Jason is having a party with a bunch of his dentist friends at his office. Jason wants me go. I swear to god, if this is another trick so that they can torture me again, I'll pull a knife on them and kill all of them.

Monday, July 12

5:12 am

Woke up at five this morning. Couldn't go back to sleep for some reason.

5:44 am

Disney Channel plays all the shitty shows this early in the morning.

8:39 am

Fell asleep at eight. Jason woke me up ten minutes later and said, "It's time to go!"

I slapped him in the face and then got up.

Now we're driving to his work.

8:52 am

Wow. Party doesn't start until two.

Why the hell am I here so early?

1:05 pm

Fell asleep in the corner of the room like some sort of a hobo or something. I woke up once and Jason was like drilling someone's teeth out or something. I was like, "That's lovely," and then I went back to bed.

Now he's making me walk across the street to go get the food he ordered from Chick-Fil-A. Wow. Fastfood? How… classy.

1:46 pm

Went to Chick-Fil-A to pick up food for the party. I ordered 250 chicken fingers, 15 orders of fries, and 2 gallons of tea, and the guy behind the counter asked, "Is this for here or to go?" FML.

2:19 pm

Can this party be any more boring?

It's just a bunch of boring old people sitting around talking about boring things. They shut down the whole office for an hour so they can sit here, talk about the state of the economy, and eat crappy chicken.

2:50 pm

Bollocks.

Jason was like, "Nate, where's your retainer?"

And everyone looked at me. And I kinda shrugged. "I threw it away."

And then Jason gasped and said, "Nate! Why didn't you tell me earlier you did this!? Do you want your teeth to move back to the way they were?!"

And then I shrugged and said, "I don't really give a shit."

"Why the hell did you throw it away!?"

"Cause it smelled like soggy tortillas…"

And then he gave me a timeout.

And is making me a new retainer.

How did I know coming to this party would be a bad idea?

Wednesday, July 14

4:24 pm

Right now, we are in Gene's car, driving to some sort of vacation place. (Becca, Mitchie, and Autumn stayed behind. Who knows why?) I don't even know where we're going. And Shane's sipping on Vodka.

10:10 pm

Shane's drunk.

11:52 pm

Wow. Well, my life certainly is fucked up.

I just almost died.

Let me explain.

Gene took us to this really sketchy location in the middle of nowhere. And then he stopped the car and turned around with a gun in his hand and said, "OKAY, NOBODY MOVE OR I SHOOT!"

So, of course, I didn't move. I mean, he's a crazy son of a bitch.

Then he said, "I'm gonna kill you all!" and some other crazy people talk.

I was scared. I was so scared I even peed myself a little bit.

He grabbed Mum's hand pulled her out of the car, and then tied her up to a stop sign. Jason and I just kinda looked at each other and then he took us out of the car and tied us up with her.

Shane was still in the car!

Then, while pointing the gun at us, Gene said, "There's a bomb in the car. You have to sit here and watch Shane die. Then you're next, Jason."

Mum started hysterically crying. Turns out she really does love us.

Gene then untied Mum and held on to her close and forced her to stare at the car. And then there was a giant-ass explosion and I flinched. The car Shane was in blew up into a billion gajillion pieces.

Then Jason turned to me and said, "Nate, no matter what, I'll always love you." Then he started crying.

I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK!?" the entire time. I couldn't cry. It seemed so unreal.

(Gene must have watched too much Desperate Housewives, cause this whole thing was sorta like an episode I saw once.)

Gene then turned to Mum. "Your turn. Shoot one of them."

Her eyes widened. "What?"

"Yea, you heard me. I'm letting you pick. You get to keep one child. Shoot one. Preferably Nick."

I yelled, "IT'S NATE!"

Gene kicked me. "Shut up!"

I decided to be quiet after that.

"I'm not gonna shoot one of my children!" Mum protested.

Gene frowned and kicked her really hard. So hard she fell to the ground. Jason started crying and I closed my eyes.

Then she got up. Gene puts the gun against her head. "Shoot one of them, or I shoot both of them and you."

So Mum nods. She takes the gun and points it at us.

My mouth flew open. "Mum, you can't be serious! You cannot just kill one of us! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?"

Jason just started crying even harder.

She was gonna shoot me. I swear to god, that crazy bitch aimed it right at me for ten seconds. I knew she was gonna do it. She stared straight into my eyes in an intense moment. Then she put her finger on the trigger.

I yell, "MUM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

A gun went off.

I close my eyes and gasp.

And that's how my mum killed my own brother.

No, I'm totally kidding.

She shot it at the ground and then in one swift motion, kicked her leg up behind her, hit Gene right in the balls with her Stiletto, and then shot him.

I legit thought I had died. I thought I was having some sort of crazy-ass out-of-body experience. I was like, "Whoa, Heaven looks a lot like the street I was just on."

Then I saw Mum stand there, staring at Gene's nearly-dead body. She looked pissed. He was still alive, gasping for air. She dropped the gun and said, "You sick son of a bitch." And then kicked him again.

I'm pretty sure he died after that.

Mum then untied Jason and me, and we had this moment. Like an actual, touching, family moment.

Then Mum started crying and said, "I can't believe that asshole killed Shane."

We all started crying and mourning the loss of Shane, when all of the sudden, Shane stumbles out of know where and says, "Yo, dude, where'd the party go? They were all sitting on my knees a moment ago…" We just stare at him, in shock. "Oh, no, don't worry. It didn't hurt. We were in a bowl." Then he threw up in the grass.

Mum runs over to him and hugs him, kissing him on the head many times. "Shane! You're all right! I thought I had lost you!"

Then he says, "Dude, where's the loo? I have to take a massive dump…"

He ruined the moment, but it didn't matter.

It didn't matter because we were all a big happy family again.

Sorta.