Chapter Fifty-two: In Which Eyeless is a Stubborn Fuck-Nugget
"So how is your stomach, really?" Jeff asked. He figured it was better to start with simple, factual questions—not to mention that he really did want to know the answer. He didn't want Eyeless to be in pain while they were talking.
"It's fine," Eyeless said. Jeff was about to argue—of course Eyeless would say that—but then Eyeless added, "Hoodie demanded to see it after the fight, and you know how exhausting it is to try and argue with him. He had to replace some of the stitches and rebandage it, but that's all. It's nothing to worry about."
Stretching out his fingers over Eyeless's stomach, he felt the coils of bandages there and nodded. "Okay. Does it still hurt?"
Eyeless shrugged. "Not anymore so than usual."
"And you aren't hurt anywhere else?"
"Just a few cuts. They didn't even need stitches."
"That's good," Jeff said. He took a deep breath, curling his fingers into the fabric of Eyeless's hoodie, before asking a more difficult question. "Why were you fighting Josh, anyway?"
Eyeless was a quiet for a moment, his fingers stilling their paths through Jeff's hair. "Not for any good reason," he finally said, sighing. "I was angry and he was angry, and y'know. Shit happened. I shouldn't've killed him, but I just—I dunno, man. I wasn't really thinking."
"Did you mean to kill him?"
"No. I didn't want to, but my, uh, more primitive thought processes don't always listen to what I want."
So BEN hadn't been exaggerating when he'd said Eyeless had snapped. While Eyeless usually fought with finesse and tact, there were always times when that failed, and Jeff knew it was as scary for Eyeless as it was for any bystanders who watched him when he was like that—brutal and animalistic and unthinking. For him to have turned on Josh like that…
"It seems like you were more than just angry at Josh," Jeff said.
Eyeless made a noncommittal sound and ducked his head, snuffling at Jeff's hair. "You need a shower," he said. "You smell like that stupid infirmary."
"Was that actually your best attempt at a deflection?"
"It was an honest observation."
"Yeah, okay, sure. Let's observe something more relevant to the conversation at hand: why'd you snap at Josh? You don't usually do that if someone just ticks you off."
"He's an asshole. Was an asshole, I guess."
"Listen, if I was going to tell you that killing people just because they're assholes is wrong, I'd be a giant hypocrite. I'm not mad because you killed Josh. I didn't like him, either, and if you hadn't done it I probably would've. But that's not your thing, Eye. You don't just kill people 'cause you're mad at them, so it had to have been something else."
"He was a problem," Eyeless said. "He was riling up all of the other proxies. If I hadn't done something, then maybe there would have been a bigger fight and people would have gotten hurt—but that's not just it, Jeff. It really was because I was just—I was so fucking angry at him."
"Why?"
"Why?" Eyeless laughed, bitter and dry. "It was his fault that we had to fight. It was his fault that I hurt you. Hell, he threatened to kill you, Jeff."
"He did?" Jeff asked.
"Before I fought with him, that's what he said. I couldn't just let him walk away—but I didn't mean to kill him. I really didn't."
"I believe you," Jeff said, and Eyeless let out a long, slow breath. "Josh was an idiot. Why didn't he just walk away? I beat him fair and square."
"You did," Eyeless said, and the pride in his voice warmed Jeff. "It was a good fight. I think that if our fight had gone over the way we intended it to, we wouldn't've had any problems with Josh after that. But after I broke your ankle, Josh saw a weakness—in you or me or both of us, I guess. He just had to chase after it."
"But you know that wasn't your fault, right?"
"Josh's personality flaws?"
"Well—yeah, but breaking my ankle, too. That wasn't your fault. I don't blame you for it at all."
Eyeless grimaced, glancing away. "You probably should."
"Why the fuck would I?" Jeff asked. He went to prop himself up on his elbow, because he wanted to see Eyeless's face again, but Eyeless's fingers tightened convulsively in his hair and he froze. Almost immediately, Eyeless's hands were off of him and he was rolling out of bed, his body a tense whipcord line.
"Sorry," he said, and goddammit it all he started pacing again—all of the calm they'd managed to find had snapped away like a twig. "Sorry, fuck. You don't have to stay. You can go. I didn't mean to—to grab you."
Jeff sat up, raking a hand through his hair. His scalp stung some, but it really wasn't anything for Eyeless to get this upset about. "Eyeless, no, come on. It doesn't even hurt."
"You shouldn't have to be here, though," Eyeless said, looking desperately at him. "You shouldn't have to babysit me. You've got more important things to be doing."
"Nothing is more important than what I'm doing right now," Jeff said, allowing his voice to harden as though Eyeless was a particularly belligerent newbie.
Eyeless actually looked startled. "No, that's not—this isn't me being self-deprecating or some shit, I'm serious. You could be sorting out the other proxies, you could be talking to Jack, you could be resting your ankle like I told you to, you little shit."
"Yeah, I could be," Jeff said. "But I'm not going to, because you're more important than any of that right now. Everything that needs to happen can only happen with you, because you're Eyeless, okay?"
Eyeless's face morphed into something like realization, and Jeff felt the beginnings of relief—did Eyeless finally understand?—before Eyeless spoke. "Oh. I get it."
"Good," Jeff said, letting his shoulders relax. "Now—"
"You're leader."
"What."
"That's what you want, right? You want me to let you be leader. I'm obviously not fit to be making decisions right now," Eyeless said, "so I've got no problem letting you make them. You're—you're probably right, about going after Slender, but I just can't—"
"What the fuck, Eye?" Jeff said, grinding the heels of his hands into his temples where there's a headache forming. He felt kind of sort of like screaming, because why the goddamn hell was his best friend such a stubborn fuck-nugget?
Of course he didn't want to be leader. How many times did he have to say it? Maybe it was a little, teeny-tiny bit understandable that people would think he would want to be, what with his...personality—but he'd been working on that, dammit, and he was going to keep working on it.
On the bright side, he realized that Eyeless's offer came with an opportunity.
"Fine," Jeff said, nodding decisively. "Fine. I'll be leader."
Eyeless's shoulders slumped with something that looked heartbreakingly like relief. "Okay," he said. "Okay, so—"
"So you have to do what I say."
"I won't go after Slender with you."
"Deal. But you'll listen to me?"
"Sure," Eyeless said. "It's what you've done for years, right?"
"My first order as leader is—hm," Jeff said—and okay, maybe he said it a little pompously, because he knew this would be his only chance to (and to be honest, it was the only chance he wanted)—"It's for you to come back over here and finish talking to me."
Eyeless groaned and spun around, glowering at the wall. "There's not even anything to talk about," Eyeless said, his voice a petulant whine. "You got what you wanted."
"No, see, there are a lot of things for us to talk about—like our escape plan, or what Jack said to you, or our feelings."
Eyeless didn't even scoff at Jeff's worthless joke, and Jeff's stomach sank. "I don't want to," Eyeless said. "I'm tired."
"I know," Jeff said, even though he really didn't—but he could try to sympathize, right? "I know, but running away from this isn't going to make it go away."
"That's what we've always done before."
"Yeah, and it hasn't helped much, has it?"
Eyeless turned back around, and the look on his face was utterly miserable. It made Jeff's heart ache. "Nothing does," he said. "This won't be any different."
"Maybe not," Jeff admitted, "but if you trust me enough to let me be leader, then trust me enough to let us try this."
Eyeless's stance wavered, and Jeff saw it—he saw Eyeless's strength cracking, his determination crumbling, and for once, Jeff wasn't afraid it. Instead, he opened his arms, and Eyeless returned to him in a couple of short strides. He crumpled against Jeff's chest, weak and heavy, and buried his face into his neck. Jeff could feel him scenting there, breathing in quick, nervous gulps of air.
"There," Jeff said, bringing his hand up to scratch lightly at Eyeless's scalp. "Thank you."
Eyeless sighed shakily, and the noise encouraged Jeff—Eyeless wasn't bothering with bravado anymore. At least, not as much as he had been. It must have been a relief to get rid of the burden of absolute leadership, if only for a short time, and Jeff was glad he could give Eyeless that.
Jeff allowed them to spend a few minutes in silence, listening to the slow settling of Eyeless's breathing as he relaxed. Scraping his nails through Eyeless's hair and around his ears elicited a few pleased hums, so Jeff kept doing it—the calmer he could get Eyeless the better. He didn't, however, want to give Eyeless too much time to worry about what was happening, so he had to prod their conversation back into existence after a couple of minutes.
"Where do you want to start?" he asked, moving his hand in slow, steady strokes over the bony ridge of Eyeless's spine. It tensed beneath his hand when he spoke, but otherwise Eyeless remained still and calm.
"I don't know. Wherever," Eyeless said. "You pick."
And Jeff supposed that was his job, anyway, since Eyeless was letting him play leader. "Okay. You said that I should blame you for breaking my ankle—why's that?"
"Because it's my fault," Eyeless said, matter-of-factly. "If it hadn't been because of me, your ankle wouldn't be broken."
"If we follow that line of logic, than could we also say that it's my fault you got shot at the compound?"
"What? No," Eyeless said, lifting his head and scowling. "You were fighting, too. You were trying to keep both of us safe."
Jeff shrugged. "It was me who suggested we fight our way out, though. If I hadn't done that, then you'd be fine."
"I would have suggested it if you hadn't," Eyeless said. "And it wasn't your actual, physical fault that I got shot—it wasn't your fault at all."
"I know," Jeff said, and he was surprised to find that he actually did. "Just like it wasn't your fault that you broke my ankle."
"No, it is. I actually, physically, broke your ankle. I hurt you. Nobody else did."
"I made a mistake, and you made a mistake, and my ankle got broken because of it. It was an accident, Eyeless, it was nobody's fault—except Josh's, maybe, for roping us into that stupid fight in the first place."
Eyeless was quiet for a moment, dropping his head back to Jeff's shoulder. "You were scared," he said, eventually. "After I hurt you, you looked scared. Of me."
And he had been—the pain and the fighting energy and the blank, emotionless stare of Eyeless's mask had all twisted into a knot of terror when he'd been lying on the ground, hunched around his ankle. "I was scared," he said, "but that's not your fault, either. I was too focused on you because of the fight, and I couldn't tell what you were thinking because of the mask, and I just—you know how it is. I just freaked for a minute."
"I know. I get that. But I just—I don't want you to ever be afraid of me, and I fucked up and I hurt you and—"
"It was an accident," Jeff said, leaning back and cupping Eyeless's face in his hands. "It was not your fault. I do not blame you, and I don't want you to blame yourself. Understand?"
Eyeless balked, trying to nudge his face back into Jeff's neck.
"Eyeless, come on. I'm not going to let it go," Jeff said, leaning back and knocking their foreheads together. "Do you understand that breaking my ankle was not your fault?"
After a long, stubborn silence, Eyeless nodded. Jeff was of a mind to make him speak, but he didn't want to exhaust Eyeless's emotional reserves before they were even halfway done with their conversation, so he let it slide.
"Good," he said, smiling and dropping a kiss to Eyeless's nose. "I'm glad."
Eyeless made a warbling, embarrassed (and fucking adorable) noise and shoved his reddening face into Jeff's shoulder. This time Jeff let him, wiping the black slime that stuck to his fingers surreptitiously against the blankets.
"Onto our next order of business," he said, as cheerfully as could. "What did Jack say to you?"
Eyeless flinched at the name, his entire body stiffening and his breath faltering. Jeff scratched the back of his neck, hoping to dispel some of the tension there, but to little avail. "Nothing," Eyeless said.
Jeff snorted, tucking his chin over the top of Eyeless's head. "That's stupid."
"I'm stupid."
"What? No, Eye—"
"That's what Jack said," Eyeless said, the words sticking bitterly to his tongue, "amongst other things. He said I was stupid for getting dragged into a fight with you in the first place, and for not noticing that you were hurt before we fought."
Almost everything in Jeff was howling for him to deny what Eyeless was saying, to shut him up because it was so obviously, glaring wrong, but a small part of him knew that Eyeless needed to say it. Jeff needed to know what was hurting him, and Eyeless needed to acknowledge it, so he clamped his mouth shut and—for once—listened.
"He said I should have been paying more attention, and you know what? He was fucking right. But I was too busy wallowing in my own self-pity and being pissed at Slender to give a shit about you guys—about my family. I was being selfish. Hell, I'm still being selfish. I should be out there trying to keep everyone in line, but I'm just back here acting like an angsty five-year-old."
Eyeless's chest was jumping erratically as he spoke, and there was an angry rumble clinging to each of his words. It made Jeff furious to hear him berating himself, but he wouldn't interrupt—not until Eyeless was done and Jeff could refute every stupid thing he thought.
"And why? Because I'm scared. Because I'm a fucking coward. I don't know what to do, and I don't want to know what to do because what if I'm wrong? What if what I tell everyone to do is wrong and it gets us killed? And even if it doesn't, what's Slender gonna do when he finds out I convinced everyone to disobey him? He sure as fuck won't want me to be leader anymore."
Squirming out of Jeff's arms, Eyeless resumed pacing along the far side of the room. Jeff watched him, wary of an escape attempt, but he seemed content to stay nearby—and, more importantly, to keep talking.
"He'll probably kick me out, and I won't be allowed back, and I'll never see you guys again. And guess what? In my twisted, fucked-up shit of a mind, that's worse than all of us dying," Eyeless snarled, baring his teeth at the carpet. "So, like, I can't even be mad at Jack, can I? He's right—I'm selfish, and I'm stupid and a coward and I shouldn't even be leader. I should never have been leader."
Eyeless turned back towards him, spreading his arms helplessly. "What am I supposed to do?" he asked, voice cracking. "What the fuck am I supposed to do, Jeff? I have no idea. At this point, the only thing I can do with any sort of confidence is mope around and wait for the inevitable. It shouldn't be like that. It's never been like that before. I've always—I've always known what to do, everyone's always listened to me.
"But now they don't. Josh didn't. Jack won't. You won't. And I don't blame you for that, I know you have to do what you think is right and that's obviously not siding with me on this—but I'm so confused, man. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with all of us? What happened?"
Jeff stared at him for a long moment, waiting for another round of agonized verbal vomit. When none was forthcoming, he narrowed his eyes and finally allowed himself to grind his teeth together, ignoring Eyeless's cringe.
"Okay, first," he said, "I want you to know how fucking angry it makes me to hear people insulting you—yourself included. Second, I want you to know that we are absolutely not ending this conversation without your head in a better place, so don't worry about when I'll have to walk out that door 'cause it's not happening until you say it is. Now c'mere."
Jeff opened his arms again, and Eyeless didn't waste any time ramming himself up against Jeff's chest. His body was trembling furiously and his breath was fast and shallow against Jeff's neck. "'m sorry," he said, his fingers tightening spastically in Jeff's shirt. "'m sorry, 'm sorry, this is so fucking stupid—"
"It is not," Jeff said, scowling at the top of Eyeless's head.
"I'm the one who was being a jerk, you shouldn't have to take care of me—"
"Hey, be quiet for a minute, okay? We will definitely discuss that train of thought, but right now you're freaking out a little bit." Jeff grabbed Eyeless's hand and moved it to rest between their chests. "Breath with me, 'kay?"
"I'm not freaking out," Eyeless said, but he obeyed Jeff's instructions without complaint.
It took several minutes for Eyeless's breathing to even out, but that was fine. If it was what Eyeless needed, it was what Eyeless would get. They might have been short on time, what with Slender's unknown plans, but they had goddamn had time to do this right.
"Good," Jeff said, once the rise and fall of Eyeless's chest matched his. "That's really good, Eye."
"No it's not," Eyeless said, mutinously nudging his nose into the angle of Jeff's jaw.
Jeff had no idea what could have possibly been bad about breathing correctly, and he doubted Eyeless did, either—he was just seeking any chance he could find to berate himself, and it pissed Jeff off.
Rolling them over on the bed, Jeff straddled Eyeless's hips, careful to avoid putting any pressure on the wound in his abdomen. "Okay, motherfucker," he said. "You ready to figure this out or do you want some more time to belittle yourself—which by the way, we will be discussing."
Eyeless sighed heavily, but Jeff could see the tiniest glimpse of relief in the loosening lines between his brows as he nodded. Good—he was so fucking glad he could offer Eyeless comfort, after everything Eyeless had done for him. He had a feeling this was going to be a long, arduous conversation, but he wasn't going to skimp out it.
They were going to fucking figure this out, no matter how difficult it was.
