I have returned to crack. My exams are nearly over and I'm quite happy about that...but I dunno if I'm gonna pass this year, so it looks like work until the rest of semester.
Lesson Number One To Survive Soul Society: Never eat any food in, near or around Twelfth Division
Tea Part I
Mayuri Kurotsuchi was in a very good mood. He'd successfully completed a rather difficult experiment involving chromosomal transformation and protein realignment on a macro scale with regards to mammalian-primate bodies. It had been a daring assignment and he'd finally got the drug into a powdered form. He placed the tin on his desk amongst other bits and pieces he hadn't cleaned up yet. He slumped over to his computer, mulling over solitaire.
"Taicho," Akon appeared at the entrance of his door, "5th Seat Ayasegawa has arrived. He's here to collect the reports on the 11th Division Gigais and to return Zaraki's eyepatch for calibration."
"Bring him in." He sighed. It seemed that the narcissistic man was around all the time for admin work, much more than Mayuri would've liked. Yumichika floated in, a box under his arm.
"Good morning, Kurotsuchi taicho." He chimed, also seeming to be in a good mood.
"Leave the eyepatch on the desk," he replied, not looking up from the solitaire interface, "Rin will give you the documents on the way out."
"What's that beautiful smell?" Yumichika sniffed, picking something up, "Is that tea?"
Mayuri's mind wandered, remembering he did have tea somewhere on his desk, "Oh, that. Akon gave me that last week. Take it if you want, tea is not my thing. I much prefer coffee." Mayuri waved behind him, his good mood dropping a little.
"Why thank you, taicho. I shall be back to pick the eyepatch up later." Yumichika left quickly, Mayuri getting the feeling that he didn't want to be in that office for too much longer.
It was a couple of hours later when Mayuri finally peeled himself away from his computer. He went to pick up his new drug from the desk and grasped air. He paused, lifted his hand away and went down to pick it up again: nothing there. He looked properly, scanning the desk for a small airtight tin. Then he saw the tea, lying there innocently in the midst of the mess.
"Well…" He gritted, "this should be interesting."
………
"Tea?" Yumichika offered his captain. The porcelain teapot steamed on the tray, indicating it was freshly made. Kenpachi stared at it suspiciously; he hadn't forgotten the last time he consumed something made by Yumichika; not to mention he was a little cautious about drinking from something gold-rimmed and floral as was the case with the tea cup. Its very presence made him question his sexuality.
"I could do with a cup of tea." Ikkaku reached behind his friend for a cup, taking a quick sip, immune as he was to floral teacups and anything else questionable from Yumichika, "hey, this stuff ain't half bad." He drank the rest down.
"Thank you," he smirked, "C'mon captain, have a cup. It's only tea."
"Hmn." Kenpachi stared at Ikkaku for a second.
"Captain?"
"Are ya feeling weird? A little high perhaps?" He asked Ikkaku.
"It's only tea. No one can screw that up even if they tried." Ikkaku shook his head.
"If it's any consolation, I had a cup myself." Yumichika shrugged, putting the tea tray down, "there's nothing wrong with it."
Famous last words.
Kenpachi took the cup and took a sip.
"Not bad. Right temperature too." He drained the rest down. There was an urgent knock on the door. Yumichika opened the door and was surprised to see Kurotsuchi there. Kurotsuchi looked at the tea set and at the three shinigami in front of him.
He huffed, "You drank the tea. Damn."
"Did you change your mind about the tea?" Yumichika asked, looking to where Kurostuchi was staring at, "I thought you didn't like tea."
The twelfth division captain looked up and down Yumichika, "If it all ends well, I could use you as test subjects."
"Test subjects? Because we drank your tea?"
"Hold on…Yumichika, did you say it was his tea?" Kenpachi's face drained, connecting what dots he had.
"We drank 12th Division tea? You made us drink something from 12th Division?!" Ikkaku's voice squeaked at Yumichika a little higher than he expected. He clutched his throat, horrified, "What was in that tea?!"
"…5…4…3" Mayuri counted, "…2…1…"
Suddenly Yumichika doubled over with a strangled cry. Ikkaku and Kenpachi looked over to what was happening, little beads of sweat beginning to break on their brows.
"What the…"
"You will probably survive this," Mayuri explained as Yumichika sunk to the ground, "but the effects are a little…interesting."
"Probably survive? Interesting!?" Ikkaku yelped as he too doubled over. Kenpachi knew he was going to be next and could feel the event horizon drawing nearer.
"Of course it gets a little interesting when you become the opposite gender." Mayuri smirked as Kenpachi doubled down as well, falling unconscious
………
………
"Zaraki…wake up, you're still alive." Mayuri could be heard over the ringing in his ears. Kenpachi opened one eye and groaned, rolling over. It was then he noticed.
"Holy fuck! I've lost some very important body parts!" He jumped up in horror. He put his hands over his mouth in horror. His voice! He patted his face and neck…so small…no Adam's apple…smaller jaw. He looked down at the inevitable and screwed his…her eyes shut.
"Out of professional curiosity, how do you feel?" Mayuri asked, crouching down beside him, his expression one of amused curiosity.
"Jiggly." She replied. She opened her eyes again and stared around the room. Yumichika was looking at herself in the mirror, both horrified and impressed; while Ikkaku was looking down her top, very perplexed. To add to Kenpachi's horror, the door opened to the office and Yachiru came in.
"Heya Ken…chan…" She stopped dead at the door as she saw her, her eyes wide, "Sorry wrong room." She stepped back and closed the door. There was a ten second pause before the door opened again, her little pink head just peeping around. "Ken-chan?"
"I assure you he's Kenpachi…save for a Y-chromosome." Mayuri sighed. Yachiru walked carefully towards her, her big eyes trying to get a hold of the situation.
"Ken-chan…you have boobies…and they're huge!" she reached forward to touch them to see if the were real.
"Don't touch them!" Kenpachi yelped, jumping up and feeling the weight at the front of her chest.
"But…b-b-but-but-but-but they're ginormous!" She pointed as Kenpachi ran to the mirror, shoving Yumichika out of the way and looked what had happened to her body. She'd shrunk in height but had definitely grown in other areas.
"Kurotsuchi! Explain!" Kenpachi demanded as he tried to flatten them down to no avail.
"As you have noticed, you are considerably shorter and slighter than before, but since mass cannot be destroyed, all your previous stature had to go somewhere…" Kurotsuchi explained, suddenly a large grin spread on his face, "This is quite an interesting side-effect."
"When will we turn back?" Ikkaku pleaded, now looking petrified to find that when he walked, he wobbled.
"Turn back? I don't have anything to turn you back to your previous states; a double dose of the drug will certainly kill you. I can make an anti-drug, but to engineer it, it will take some time."
"How much time is some time?" Yumichika asked, amazingly taking the transformation a lot better than the other two. In fact she'd hardly changed appearance at all, apart from the breasts and a slight widening of the hips.
"It took me roughly five months to perfect the drug," Mayuri picked up the tin and shook it, "and that's considerably lucky for drug production…but, since I've already got a pre-existing drug to work, we may be talking about six weeks…at least."
"Six weeks?! Of Ken-chan being a girl?" Yachiru squeaked, stopping her inspection of her friend.
"Or would you rather forever? I'm being extremely gracious in offering to help you," He snuck away the tin into his coat, "Though I would rather like you three to be some test subjects for a bit…I was wondering if the transformation is complete and you three could be inseminated and give birth-"
"Hell no!" The three of them yelled. Previously, if they had bits of anatomy that shrank towards the heart, it'd be doing it right now. Mayuri shrugged.
"Very well. The offer still stands, though if you change you mind."
"Maybe we should 'volunteer' Yumichika, considerin' he gave us the tea." Ikkaku glared at her friend. Yumichika shook her head as Mayuri's eyes lit up hopefully.
"It looks like you three haven't experienced any other side-effects or death, so I'll leave now and start working on that anti-drug." Mayuri said leaving for the door.
"Hey, but what should we do in the meantime?" Kenpachi asked the retreating figure.
"I don't know, just carry on normally…as women, I guess," Mayuri sneered; he paused, looking at Kenpachi, "You do make an attractive female, Zaraki." He added almost as an afterthought, "See you at the meeting tomorrow."
Kenpachi didn't know what was worse: being changed into a female; showing up for a meeting as a female or being considered attractive by the creepiest man in all of Soul Society. She shuddered.
………
They pummelled Yumichika. Then they kicked themselves for not learning the first time what happens when you eat something made by Yumichika. Then they pummelled Yumichika again. Then they sat down (or tried to sit up in Yumichika's case) for an emergency meeting.
"Should we show our faces?" Ikkaku asked, still fixated on her breasts.
"We have to eventually," Yumichika said through a thick lip, "I'm going to need to go to 4th Headquarters anyway, I've broken my collarbone."
"Be quiet; you're just lucky you don't have testicles to stab." Kenpachi growled, trying to adjust her top so her breasts didn't spill out. Yachiru had receded into some sort of stunned coma, as if this was some bizarre dream and she was trying to wake up, not having much effect.
"We can't exactly strap our breasts down and pretend to be our man selves again," Ikkaku sighed, "I mean, my voice hasn't been this high since I was five and I have these hips…I mean they're massive and I can't imagine trying to strap these down. And you, Taicho, you look completely different. I mean, I'd only tell if it was you because of that scar and frown." He pointed. The four girls sighed and stared at the ground.
Yachiru snapped up as if a bee stung her in the bottom, "Oh crap! Ken-chan! Re-chan! She's coming!" the whole group stiffened. Footsteps tapped down the corridor towards the office and muffled cries of 'Unohana-taicho!' at varied intervals down it. The three women scrambled to find a suitable hiding place, despite that hiding is useless against a senior captain that could distinguish one ant in a nest, just by sensing spiritual pressure.
"Zaraki!" She called, she was rather annoyed today, maybe due to the fact that Yachiru and Ikkaku had previously that day tried to see which Fourth Division member would fly on a kite. Hanatarou won. "Zaraki-taicho, I need to have a word with you." She slid the door open, a frown on her usually placid face.
"Go away!" Kenpachi, after being kicked out of the closet by the other two, turned her back and slouched, hoping that Unohana wouldn't see her transformation.
"Zaraki, are you okay?" Apparently the deep voice Kenpachi was trying to achieve sounded like a voice heavy with tears.
"Fine, just fine." She nodded, the bells on her head shaking a frantic tune. Unohana sucked her teeth began to circle around, wanting to see her face, Kenpachi circling to keep his back to her.
"What are you hiding?" She demanded softly and curiously, piqued by Kenpachi's stubbornness to face her. The 11th Division captain still refused to say anything and Unohana used the only thing that got Kenpachi to turn around and pay attention: she slapped her hard across the arse (this method was only ever used by Gin and Shunsui because they survived the retaliation. Unohana did this as Kenpachi, generally as a rule, doesn't hit women and so she was quite safe (beating up Yumichika doesn't count as Kenpachi believed that only women could hit women)).
Kenpachi yelped and swung around, grabbing Unohana's wrist. Unohana's mouth dropped, and then her eyes and then her body as she fainted.
It was a couple of minutes later when Unohana woke up with a still-dazed Yachiru at her side. The three accidental women sat across the room, trying not to make eye contact. Unohana stared, disbelieving.
"How…"
"He started it." Ikkaku and Kenpachi pointed at the still bleeding Yumichika.
"But…"
"He served us tea."
"Kurotsuchi's tea." That was all Unohana needed to hear. Her temper was quite gone, figuring this would be punishment enough than trying to deal out her own for picking on her division.
"Have any questions?" She asked hopefully. The three sucked their teeth, still trying to avoid eye contact.
"...how do you…put on a bra?"
………
………
The captain's meeting was, interesting, to say the very least. As usual, Kenpachi was late (she'd tried to figure out what to do with her hair and just left it long for the time being) and made an unusually dramatic entrance. He slid open the doors and with the sun streaming through, the other captain's had to wait a few seconds before they could see who was standing there. Everyone's face was considered priceless when they found out who it was; even Gin's constant smile dropped open to a gape. The only people who showed differently was Kurotsuchi was trying to look innocent, Unohana who had to bite her lips without bursting out into laughter, and Tousen, who couldn't see what was going on.
"Zaraki? What happened to you?!" The soutaicho nearly jumped from his seat.
"Just a repeat of the Mushroom Incident…this time it involves tea." She said sourly.
"Ah." That was all that was needed to be explained. Kenpachi took her normal spot in between Tousen and Ukitake as small smug smile tugged on her face. Everyone was looking down, quite amazed.
"What exactly did happen to you? Your voice sounds weird." Tousen whispered quietly as the meeting began at a halting start. It was unfortunate being blind sometimes; it left you out of the visual loop.
A very toothy grin curled across her face, "I was turned into a woman by accident; hey, check this out." Kenpachi grabbed Tousen's hand and squished it against her breast. Several things happened at once: Tousen, suddenly realising what he was grabbing, leapt several feet and turned bright red; Kyoraku's nose suddenly exploded with blood; Komamura barked something at Kenpachi as the rest of the company was laughing so hard that they had to sit down. Except for the Soutaicho, who wasn't very happy for having his meeting interrupted.
"Kenpachi Zaraki! What do you have to say for yourself?" He demanded.
"Bankai?"
Even the soutaicho couldn't keep a straight face.
Lesson Number Two: Never ever ever ever eat or drink something made by/touched by Yumichika
I just love torturing Tousen and Yumichika. And Mayuri makes a great little plotbunny when he needs to be.
