Author Note. Ha ha. It is finally here… enjoy dear readers.
Neilsen Clytemnestra Bathsheba Eurydice Prescott Kitteridge of Slytherin House and Sutton Jason Ulysses Alexander Worth Jarvis of Ravenclaw House were two seventh year students, with a difference. Of course no-one ever called them Neilsen and Sutton, and lived, everyone called them Jayne (Neilsen) and Trip (Sutton). The reason they were different from the others was that they liked to pull pranks, in a big way. For example, in their fifth year, while Professor McGonagall was in hospital, they plastered her office with pornography. When McGonagall saw it, she had to go back to St. Mungo's for two weeks. Now don't go about saying that they're merely knock offs of Fred and George and the Marauders, because not only will they brutally torture you, they will explain the difference. When the Weasley twins push Filch over, he falls flat on his face, gets up and gives the Weasleys a month of detention. When Trip and Jayne push Filch over, he falls down a ten story stairwell, dies, is miraculously but painfully resurrected, offered "Poon" by Su Li and THEN gives the Weasleys a month of detention.
One evening, Trip descended from the Randy Ravenclaw Tower and headed for the Sexy Slytherin Dungeons, where Jayne was waiting for him. Trip couldn't help laughing when he saw her, she was dressed like Rita Skeeter.
"Oh shut up!" Jayne snapped. Trip immediately stopped laughing.
"Have you got the potion?" Jayne asked.
"Yes," Trip said, producing two cans of Ready-made Polyjuice Potion (An invention that they patented themselves, in their first year. Suck it Weasleys.). He handed her the Rita Skeeter flavoured one.
"May contain BEETLE WINGS!?" Jayne yelled, "What the fuck did you do?"
"Nothing," he replied a bit too hastily. There was a loud piercing scream from a nearby broom cupboard.
"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY LEFT ARM?" The voice screamed.
Trip pulled the door open and screamed "Requiem in mortis!"
There was a blinding violet flash and the screaming stopped. Trip looked at his own Rita Skeeter's as yet unnamed photographer flavoured potion.
"May contain toenails?" Trip read.
Jayne pointed and laughed, "Serves you bloody right."
They opened the cans and drank the contents, immediately transforming in Rita Skeeter and her photographer.
"You ready for this?" Jayne asked, putting her hand on the door knob.
"As ever," Trip replied getting his camera ready.
Jayne opened the door and Trip immediately snapped a photo of Professor Snape. Severus blinked, temporarily blinded.
"Severus Snape…" Jayne said, imitating Skeeter's voice perfectly, "Prestigious Potions Master and Pimpin' Player."
"If you think I'm "pimpin'" you should meet Su Li, operates a brothel from the Owlery," Snape interrupted.
"Oh, we've met her," the photographer said from the corner.
"ANYWAY," Jayne said, glaring at him. "Upon the release of your… biography, 'The Romantic Conquests of Severus Snape', written by those two… uhm…" she snapped her fingers in Trip's direction, "You! Adjective!"
"Uhm, saucy?" Trip suggested.
"…Saucy students, Neilson Kitteridge and Sutton Jarvis. What are your opinions on these two, idiotic dunderheads or impressive intellects?"
"I'm actually rather proud of Trip and Jayne, I feel that they have come far since their first year, their abilities in Defense and Potions are most impressive," Snape explained.
"So, you're saying that they're an asset to Hogwarts?" Jayne asked.
"Yes," Severus replied, "I feel that those two will go far in the world. The only thing I could have wished was that Trip had been placed in Slytherin."
"I note that you refer to the two students in question by their… chosen names," Jayne pointed out, "would you say that you're close to the pair?"
"You could say that yes," Severus replied.
"Since he's banging her mother." Trip muttered from the corner.
"Now, the biography. Chapter one Andromeda Tonks. Raunchy reflection of your school days, or complete and utter bullshit?" Jayne asked.
"Well, I did cut myself,"
Jayne let out a concerned whimper.
"And our friendship did blossom,"
Jayne gave a sigh of joy.
"And we did shag like rabbits one summer."
"Ooh," Jayne said excitedly while Trip wolf-whistled.
"But I am NOT Nymphadora's father, thank God."
A yell came from the next room. "DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA!!!!"
"Hush my little lamb," a voice said.
Jayne blinked. "What the fuck?" she said quietly.
"Quite," Snape said, shuddering.
"The Minerva chapter," Jayne continued, "How did you feel when a woman, a good forty years older than you, was coming onto you?"
"I felt scared," Severus said.
"Yes."
"And betrayed."
"She was your teacher
wasn't she?"
"Yes."
"What did you feel like doing when she asked you to accompany her to the ball?" Jayne asked.
"I felt like strangling her," Severus admitted. "But I refrained."
"Good call," Jayne said softly. "Now, Rolanda Hooch, she was your colleague, and an international Quidditch legend, did you ever… look up to her?"
"No, no one actually takes any notice of her, she's just treated as part of the furniture." Severus explained.
"Oh snap," Jayne said, winking, "the-boy-who-lived-multiple-times also came onto you, did you ever think it could have worked?"
"Well, he has got nice eyes," Severus said laughing.
"And good legs," Trip added.
Jayne turned and stared in disbelief. She turned back to the teacher.
"Albus Dumbledore," Jayne continued, "now, this chapter wasn't true, was it?"
"No."
"You lied, didn't you?"
"Yes, it wasn't how he died, he got a very nasty head wound but he didn't die."
"Neville Longbottom, daydreaming in detention, how shocking is that?" Jayne asked.
"I'm just glad that his dream never came true," Severus said with a shudder.
"I should imagine that all the fangirls are celebrating that," Jayne said, "and how did you feel about the way those Weasley twins accosted you in the corridor, proud that they were showing their true sexual tendencies towards your own person, or concerned about the blatant theme of twincestral desire?"
"Oh gods, to be honest," Severus began.
"For once," Trip muttered.
"Quiet Snappy!" Jayne shot a glare at the Ravenclaw.
Snape smirked.
"So, you were saying?"
"To be honest," Snape continued, "I was glad to get a chance for revenge. Those two are responsible for half of the renovations on my classroom. It became a great way to insure obedience, even if it was incredibly disturbing."
"And Trelawney, a traumatising experience?" Jayne asked.
The dark man before her shuddered.
"They say a picture speaks a thousand words, how many does a shudder say?" Jayne asked, curious.
"Ten," Severus replied, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, DISGUSTING!"
Jayne laughed softly.
"I've always found it… intriguing how you can… jump about in time," Jayne said, "like in the Luna Lovegood chapter."
"It's fanfiction, anything can happen."
"Yeah, like Voldemort taking a bath, which brings us to our next chapter, Bellatrix. (which doesn't have the most reviews this time 'round)"
"OH WHAT!?" Trip yelled from the back.
"Shut up Snappy or you won't get laid for a month!" Jayne screamed.
Severus laughed.
"What were your thoughts when Bellatrix had you pinned against the wardrobe?" Jayne inquired.
"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, disgusting!"
Jayne laughed, "Enough said. Draco Malfoy actually got a kiss in, how has your relationship with your godson changed since that event?"
"Haven't spoken to him," Snape said. "An I'm not going to."
"Quite," Jayne said, "now, Dolores Umbridge?"
"Can't we skip that one?" Trip interrupted, "I just ate."
"I agree whole heartedly." Snape added.
"Right then," Jayne continued, "Lord Voldemort?"
"I should like to refer the honorable lady to the answers given to the questions surrounding chapters eight and ten."
"I see," Jayne said, winking, "Lucius Malfoy seemed to boast great phallal capacity. Do you know how true his claims were?"
"Total trouser stuffer," Severus said loudly.
"You know this how?" trip asked.
"Narcissa told me," Severus said as though it explained everything.
"Very good," Jayne said, "now chapter fifteen?"
Severus blushed.
"One reviewer said that Hermione took over the show in later chapters, do you think this is true?" Jayne asked.
"She was very much an asset to my biography as she was to my life- at least until the Grey Lady chapter."
Trip made a whipping sound.
"You're one to talk!" Jayne exclaimed.
Severus laughed.
"Another trip down memory lane," Jayne said, "was the chapter with that very sexy werewolf, Remus lupin."
"Should I be worried?" trip asked.
"No dear," jayne assured him, "He's married… and has a kid… with Tonks… stupid pink-haired bitch… Anywho, was that an accurate reflection of events?"
"No it wasn't."
Jayne's eyes lit up, trip wolf whistled and Severus blushed.
"Now, the chapter with the Greek Gods," Jayne spoke through panted breaths, "How was that relevant to your life?"
"I was a Trojan mailman in a previous existence." Severus stated frankly.
It was at this point that Trip and Jayne's polyjuice potion wore off. Neither student noticed but Snape did. His eyebrow raised as he contemplated revenge.
"Oh yes…" Jayne said, flirting grotesquely, "and Buckbeak's chapter, what are your personal views on bestiality?"
"As long as it has nothing to do with me, its fine," Severus said grimacing.
Trip smirked.
"When Ronald Weasley came onto you, in an attempt to make Hermione jealous, how did you feel when Hermione revealed your health… condition to all people residing at Hogwarts?" Jayne asked.
"I felt betrayed," Severus began, "but the make up sex was well worth it."
Trip whistled again.
"Now there's something that's been bothering me," Jayne started.
"What's that?" Seveus asked, truly curious.
"Are you the father of Deimos Malfoy?"
"No… Of course not," Severus replied coolly, "why would you suggest that? Lucius is his father, not me."
Jayne chuckled, "We asked Narcissa the same question, we got the same reply… but we didn't believe her."
"Why not?"
"because, Deimos is far too attractive to possibly be related to Lucius Malfoy," Trip explained.
"Jayne winked at Severus, "It's alright, we can keep a secret."
Severus laughed sheepishly.
"Lavender Brown?" jayne asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Slut." He replied nonchalantly.
"Yes… Now Gellert Grindlewald, as it turns out, didn't die fifteen years before you were born, he was in fact, imprisoned in Europe."
"That doesn't mean he can come onto me!" Severus objected.
"Oh yeah, because him being dead would have stopped him." Trip retorted sarcastically.
"Shut up Snappy!" Jayne yelled. "And Seamus Finnegan, what thought were going through your head at the time?"
"The only gay in Gryffindor my arse."
Trip raised his eyebrows in question. "Is that an invitation?"
"Snappy, I believe that pleasure is reserved for Lupin," Severus said quietly.
Jayne's jaw dropped. "WHAT!? Parvati?"
"That tactic doesn't work for just anyone Sweetheart."
At that moment, the door burst open, Hermione stepped in, wand in hand.
"Sectum-"
"Stupify." Trip shot at her back.
He kicked the motionless form out of the door and locked it. "carry on teacher."
"Rubeus Hagrid."
Severus paled.
"I think we'll just skip that one," Jayne said, "Dean Thomas? Do you think it really could have worked?"
"Well, I do have a thing for black boys."
"WHAT!?" Trip yelled from the corner.
"I was kidding."
"Yeah, riiight," Jayne rolled her eyes. "That's what they all say. Even Trip- I mean Snappy." She looked up at him innocently. "Arthur Weasley?"
"Too naïve to really come onto me. So I thought why not spice up his sex life?" Severus stated.
"Peeves?, was Hermione pregnant?"
"No, I just do that to a woman."
"So it's not just me?" Trip piped up.
Jayne blinked. "The Fat Lady?"
"Never gone back to Gryffindor tower." Severus said shuddering.
"Pomona Sprout, your colleague and fellow head of house."
"Not anymore."
"Yeah? Who replaced her?" Trip asked
"Longbottom." He replied much to his chagrin.
"He's only seventeen!"
"And yet, he is the best that we've got."
"Does that mean I can teach Potions if I kill you? Then I can finally get rid of Potter!"
"No." Severus said turning back to Jayne.
"Molly Weasley?"
"Ruined Christmas forever!"
"Enough said. How did it feel to be dead?"
"Number Two? The only gave me Number Two? I'm the freaking bat of the dungeons! I terrify students and make them afraid to even freaking breathe! And they give me Number freaking Two!"
Jayne stared at him.
"It wasn't actually that bad. Until James bloody Potter turned up." He sneered.
"And the Sorting Hat, another trip-"
"What?"
"Not you Snappy!" Jayne yelled. "Another journey down memory lane?"
"Unfortunately, yes. I was quite glad when the Dark lord set the freakish, perverted hat on fire. Even more glad when he put it on Longbottom's head."
"You're a dark dog aren't you? Speaking of black dogs… Sirius Black?"
"Moving on."
"Understood. Moaning Myrtle?"
"SHE'S A BLOODY GHOST WHERE IF THE LOGIC!?"
"And I thought her lusting for Potter was bad enough." Trip chimed in.
"Slughorn?"
Severus looked up fearfully.
"You're welcome" Trip said.
"Flitwick?" Jayne continued.
"The M Cup was actually kind of scary. But do you really think I could make Man United and meet David Beckham?"
"No. He lives in America now."
"Crap," Severus said, snapping his fingers in disappointment.
"Anyway, you wouldn't be so intimidating with your legs showing."
"Professor Kitteridge holds high esteem for my legs thank you very much!" he snapped.
"Holds more for mine." Trip whispered.
"Take that back!"
"The Ginny Weasley chapter." Jayne said, distracting the two men.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY-" Ron screamed, running into the room.
"Avada Kedavra." Jayne pointed over her sholouder and fired.
"You know that curse rips your soul apart?"
"Yeah, but no one in my family has had a soul since 1236…"
Snape looked impressed.
"BC"
The professor let out a low whistle.
"Anyway, Ginny Weasley, how did you feel, finding out that Dumbledore had exactly the same problem with the Weasley clan?"
"Uhm… I sympathise- Great Auntie Muriel didn't approach me."
"She would have, I'm sure of it. Only she's never heard of you." Trip spoke up.
"It's true you know," Jayne agreed. "Pansy Parkinson."
"It was worth lying about Filch's heritage just to see the look on her face."
"Quite. Nearly Headless nick."
"AGAIN A GHOST GODDAMNIT!" Severus yelled.
"Argus Filch-"
"How did they know about that?"
Trip snapped a quick photo.
"They didn't, it was thrown in randomly."
"Well it never happened!" Severus defended himself.
"Sure," Jayne said while Trip nodded in the background. "Alastor Moody."
"Knowing he's mentally undressing me whenever he 'sees' me, I try to keep the contact to a minimum." He said.
"Dobby the houself."
Severus shuddered.
Trip grinned. "Elf Porn… Icky."
Jayne went pale.
"Quirrel?"
"We shall never speak of this again- but I was somewhat impressed with HIS phallal capacity."
Jayne smirked. "Not a trouser stuffer?"
"No. Not in the slightest."
"Mundungus Fletcher? Have you ever purchased anything from him?"
"Never have, never will!"
"Very wise of you. The Carrows?"
"Here you go professor," Trip smiled, pulling a slip of paper out of his pocket.
"A glazier's bill? I don't think so."
"Nymphadora Tonks-Lupin?"
"DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA!" came from the next room followed by a quieter "Hush my little lamb." Which was undeniably the soft tones of her husband.
Jayne blinked in shock.
"It runs in the family I guess." Snape said.
"Gilderoy Lockhart?"
"Mentally deranged before, mentally deranged now. Always will be."
"The Grey Lady?"
"Was more confusing than disturbing. But Hermione left and shacked up with Ron and I shacked up with Ariadne Kitteridge. And I tell you, she is much better in the sack than Bucky ever was."
Jayne went a slight shade of green.
"And I can see where this is going. So don't even go there!"
"But it's Peter Pettigrew!" Trip protested.
Jayne was still in a nauseous stupor.
"Exactly. It's Peter Pettigrew."
"Eating chocolate cream filled penises. It doesn't get funnier."
"Not a chance camera boy!"
Jayne shook her head.
"That's fine professor," Jayne said. "Thank you for the interview."
With that she stood up, grabbed Professor Snape's head and kissed him full on the lips. She turned and strutted towards the door, Trip following.
"Rita, Snappy," Professor Snape called out. "100 points each from Ravenclaw and Slytherin, for not realizing that the Polyjuice potion wore off an hour and a half ago!"
Trip and Jayne looked at each other.
"Crap." He said.
"Threat… what can we threaten him with. Blackmail is always the answer." She whispered softly.
Her eyes lit up evilly and she turned to him.
"Give the points back, or we write a Crabbe and Goyle chapter- where they get lucky! AND I tell Mum you have genital warts."
Trip looked smugly at his friend.
Severus looked horrified at his girlfriend's daughter.
"You wouldn't."
"Try me."
"You're bluffing."
"He was stalking the corridors looking for rule breaking students where he came across Vincent Crabbe and Greg Goyle leaning against a wall… "We've been waiting for you" they said simultaneously."
Severus went pale.
"Take them. Take the points back."
Trip and Jayne smirked and skipped out of the dungeons.
FIN
