Chapter Fifty One
Bella
When I woke up the next morning we were tangled together and his face was so close to mine it gave me goosebumps. When he saw my delight he smiled too,
"Time for you to get up Miss Working Girl."
I groaned and looked at the clock,
"Oh, I'm going to be late."
I jumped reluctantly out of bed.
"I'll get you something to eat while you shower."
I thanked my lucky stars having a boyfriend who could cook then found he had meant bagel and coffee, while I was in the shower he'd gone to the store down the block but promised me some real food later.
After I'd eaten he drove me to work at the Book Shop and Steve squealed in delight on seeing me again although I noticed his eyes take in my lift before Jasper drove off.
"Oh ho? Who's the dish who just dropped you off? Where do you find all these gorgeous men Bella? Do you have a factory churning them out only if you do I'd like to put in an order."
I laughed,
"Yeah, What about Jeff?"
He shrugged,
"Well, I might order one for him too but first tell me all about Mr. Yummy."
We spent a pleasant day putting right the monumental mess he'd made of the computer yet again. How anyone could do so much damage with a single tap of a key was beyond me! I finished as we shut for the night and was just closing down the computer when I felt him behind me.
"Hello, darlin' ready for dinner?"
I sighed as I felt the warmth of his presence.
Jasper
I decided to take Bella out for dinner tonight as I'd already hunted, so I drove her to an Italian Restaurant I knew by its reputation and enjoyed her look when she eyed the menu.
"It all sounds so good Jasper."
I laughed,
"Order what you want for both of us then you can try more dishes."
She looked at me gratefully,
"Thank you, Jasper, but it must be miserable for you sitting watching me eat."
Bella
His smile made my stomach flip,
"I'll admit it's a little more restful than my own mealtime, but as long as I'm with you I'm content."
I took his hand and held it, looking into his eyes until our meals arrived when, I have to admit, I made a pig of myself, trying everything, while Jasper sat grinning at me. When I'd finished and was waiting for my coffee he leaned forward and wiped the edge of my mouth with his finger then licked it.
"Jasper. If you do that again I'm going to jump your bones here and now".
He looked at me with a grin and licked his lips,
"Bella, you really shouldn't say things like that to me in public places. I have a penchant for stirring up a girl's emotions".
I took his hand,
"I'm waiting till you are ready for me to say them in private."
And I winked at him.
As the valet brought the car round we stood oblivious of the other diners also leaving the restaurant, his hand in mine and my body pressed against his side. He kissed the top of my head and his scent was so overpowering it made my heart beat loudly again. An elderly couple walked past, the woman watching us as they went.
"It's lovely to see a couple so much in love, I remember when we were like that Ken."
We smiled at that, if only they knew, and then his car was there. As he drove home I sat beside him, my head on his shoulder and my hand still entwined with his.
"How was work?"
I told him about my day before asking what he had done and he shrugged,
"Not a lot, I hunted, shopped, and spent the rest of the time missing you, so this afternoon I stood across the road watching you work".
I looked at him, stunned.
"You stood across the road watching me?"
He nodded,
"I just wanted to be near you."
I swallowed, Wow!
"Jasper. I hate the thought of you standing in the street all day."
He grinned,
"It's OK Bella, Steve offered me the use of the stockroom if I want to stalk you privately."
I looked at him uncomprehendingly for a minute.
"Steve?"
He nodded,
"Yeah, he spotted me and came over. Told me it was obvious I was crazy about you and that if I wanted I could sit in the stockroom and drool in private."
Thinking about it I realized it was exactly the kind of thing my romantically inclined boss might do.
Jasper
We spent the night as the one before, Bella cuddled up as close as she could get while I struggled with my demons to stop from ripping my shirt off her and making love to her beautiful body. I knew I was fighting a losing battle with my heart but I had to be sure, after all this wasn't something I could take back, Bella wasn't a one night stand she was my forever love.
When she woke up the next morning we went through the same ritual, I fetched her breakfast while she showered, the urge to join her getting stronger, but I fought it and won, just, and when she'd eaten we made plans for the day, it being one of her few free times.
"What would you like to do Bella?"
She smiled,
"I don't mind. We could stay home and make mad passionate love or..."
I groaned,
"Bella you are trying your hardest to pull me down to hell, try to think of something else you'd like to do that won't have my immortal soul burning."
She looked out the window,
"Well, its gray, and its raining just for a change so we could go out. How about we drive to the forest and you swing me through the trees, Tarzan."
Outside sounded good to me and far less dangerous than staying in so we grabbed our coats and collected the car.
Bella
As he drove I decided to ask him something that was puzzling me.
"Jasper?"
He turned to me,
"That tone of voice means you have a question, one I don't think I'm going to like, but one I won't be able to get out of answering, so go ahead."
I chuckled,
"Got you, Tarzan, you are my captive audience till we get there. I just wanted to know... what exactly are you are waiting for?"
He swallowed nervously and kept his eyes on the road.
"It's complicated Darlin'"
I turned fully so I was looking at his profile,
"OK. I'll try to keep up."
He sighed,
"Do you really want to do this now?"
I pondered that question,
"Maybe not."
I saw him relax, but he wasn't getting off that easily but I could wait a little while.
By the time we got to the forest the rain had stopped although it was still very overcast and after we parked the car and we started hiking into the trees. As soon as we were beyond the range of any prying eyes he lifted me onto his back and climbed a really tall tree then swung from branch to branch through the forest. We were soaked from the wet leaves but he got above the low cloud eventually and pulled out a waterproof rug for us to sit on.
It wasn't exactly hot but I felt warm just being with him and from his pocket, he pulled some chocolate,
"One of the main food groups?"
I ignored his smirk as I ripped the bar open with my teeth.
"Damn right Jazz."
When I finished it he magically produced a can of soda and I began to wonder if he was a secret marsupial but when I questioned him about it he laughed so much I thought we were going to fall.
Jasper
I knew she hadn't forgotten her question, and I knew she deserved an answer so I took her hand in mine,
"Bella, I know how I feel about you and I know how I think you feel about me, but it's not that simple and you're holding back too."
She looked at me seriously,
"I know because I'm not sure what you want Jasper and I want to, no I need to, understand because it's driving me nuts. I know I'm in love with you and I want you like crazy. I think you feel the same way about me, but you're holding back. I do have a theory as to why but I don't know for sure."
I cocked my head at that, a theory?
"What's your theory?"
She sighed,
"Boy, you're really going to make me work for the answer aren't you?"
I smiled wickedly and nodded,
"Sure am."
She pursed her lips before continuing.
"I had an interesting talk with Charlotte a few nights back"
I sat up listening more intently,
"Well, she talked and I listened and I think you're scared of me."
I laughed at that.
"No, I don't mean you're frightened of me as a person, obviously. I think you're scared I'm not as committed as you need me to be."
And as usual, Bella had pretty well nailed it.
Bella
When I saw his expression alter I knew I was on target. He cleared his throat,
"I don't know how much Charlotte told you, so I'll go back to the start and forgive me if I go over ground you've already covered."
Before he could continue I held up my hand to stop him.
"If you are going to tell me everything I want to be close and comfortable."
I snuggled up to him taking his hand and resting my head on his lap. I knew it was going to be hard for him and if I was looking into his face it might be too difficult. This way I could still feel his emotions but without making him self-conscious.
"Now you can start"
I lifted our hands to kiss his then settled down to listen.
"I joined the Confederate Army before I was legally old enough, and I'd never had a girlfriend. I spent the next few years fighting a war which didn't leave time for relationships but I got promoted over much older guys because I was good at fighting, at tactics, and at commanding other men, in short, the army was my life. Then I met Maria and my life both ended and began. She was my first relationship and we were together for a long time. I thought she really loved me, I thought her way was the only way. It wasn't until I helped Peter and Charlotte escape that I realized there was something very wrong with my relationship with Maria. Only when I finally broke free of her influence did I understand what that was. My value to her was purely as a commander, the sex was just her way of rewarding me like you'd give a dog a treat when it performed a trick. I was a savage Bella, I still am and I fight my demons on a daily basis."
I squeezed his hand as the tears started to trickle from my eyes.
Jasper
I could smell Bella's tears but now I'd started I had to go on.
"I couldn't stay with Peter and Charlotte, murdering people to feed was tearing me apart and I just wanted to die. Then I ran into Alice and when she took my hand I thought I'd found a safe harbor for my heart. She showed me a new way of life and we joined the Cullens. They were good to us, to me, but I was always considered the weak link, always under close scrutiny. Over the years I felt this was as good as a monster like me could ask for, Alice ran my life and I lost the will to fight, I just went along with whatever she said. I was dissatisfied but I didn't know what else I could do and I now realize Alice was happy to have a compliant male she could mold..."
"And manipulate."
I couldn't help interjecting that but he sighed in response,
"Yes, and manipulate but I blame myself for allowing her the power over me but then...you came along."
This was the really hard part, I felt her body stiffen but I carried on before I lost courage.
Bella
I didn't understand what he meant, how did my turning up change things for Jasper and Alice? He started talking again as I wiped the tears from my face.
"You walked into our lives and I knew, Alice did too I guess. She must have seen you coming, but she didn't let on. I saw you on your first day at school and I knew then that Alice and I were over."
I waited for him to explain this statement but instead, he changed tack.
"Bella, you see me as strong and fearless, and I am in a fight, I'll win every time, I'm good at what I do but everyone has their vulnerabilities, I don't care who they are, and I have one too. In telling you this I'm leaving myself wide open, but I have to tell you so you'll understand. I've had my heart shattered twice now and it was a struggle to recover both times. I'm scared I wont be strong enough to come back again and then I'll be lost to the monster who craves the violence and the blood, and the man, the one hiding inside here will cease to exist. I know Edward told you something of how vampires mate for life, but I don't think he told you everything. Once we become physically intimate with someone, that's it, there's no turning back and what if you find it's not what you want after all? I'm not that strong Bella, I want you so badly it hurts, but my fear hurts too so I'm asking you to be one hundred percent sure before you invite me in to take you body and soul. I want us to be one, but only you know what's in your heart so I have to leave it to you. If you ask me to make love to you be sure I'm what you want for eternity, not just a few days, weeks, or years. If you can't make that commitment then please, don't ask."
How could one man have suffered so much? Such an inherently good man too. I felt humbled by his openness, he'd held his heart, his life, his desires out in his hand, for me to take or reject and I knew he was serious. I took his hand from mine and kissed it, one finger at a time, then I pulled his face down to mine.
"Jasper, thank you for telling me all that and in return, I'll make you a promise, when I ask you to make love to me it will be because I'm willing to commit to you body and soul, for eternity".
He kissed me gently on the lips and pulled me up onto his lap.
"Thank you Bella, but you should say if not when".
I shook my head,
"Oh no, it will happen".
Jasper
She had sounded so sure yet on the way home she dropped the bombshell
"Jasper, I think I should go back home, it's not fair on you staying at your place until I make my decision, and I can't stay with you without wanting to jump your bones so could you drop me off".
My heart sank as I feared she was already regretting her earlier words to me and when I pulled up outside her building she sat up and kissed me goodbye.
"Can I ask you something, Jasper?"
"Sure Bella"
I tried to sound cheerful.
"Will you promise not to go anywhere for a week. Just one week".
I nodded,
"OK, I promise".
She studied my face as if checking that I meant it.
"I will tell you by the end of the week I promise"
Then she was gone and I had no one to blame but myself for giving her the ultimatum.
