Lord Drake Misadventures 53
By Vyce Dryke 2009
Drake: So you've found an old earth holiday that has to do with blowing things up for the hell of it?
Tlanextic: Something like that.
Vyce: More of an Old United States holiday, to be exactly.
Drake: This makes me want to go back in time where the women are nice, explosions are frequent, and war occurs if you sneeze on somebody.
Vyce: I hear North Korea is good for that.
Drake: Nice Women?
Vyce: No. Explosions.
Drake: Not the good kind?
Vyce: Depends on your preference.
Tlanextic: That's what she said
Drake: Tlanextic, a sense of humor? GASP!
Abbadon: I'll show you a sense of humor.
Tlanextic: That's what she said?
Vyce: I think he's Slaanesh possessed.
Tlanextic: That's not what you said last night.
Vyce: SHHH! I was drunk at the time, I wasn't myself.
Tlanextic: You loved it.
Drake: Actually, now that I think about it, you never explained the presence of that black and blue chaos dragon.
Vyce: It's need to know basis, and you don't need to know.
Snow: That's what she said.
Vyce jumps with a start.
Vyce: Stop doing that.
Tlanextic: I got it from him.
Snow: That's what she said?
Tlanextic: Not what you said last night...
Snow: Is too.
Tlanextic: Is not.
Snow: Is too.
Vyce: At least you two are getting along...
Snow: Come on.. I need you to play Ace Combat 2020!
Vyce: What? Having problems?
Snow: Well.. Yes...
The Xbox 40k lights up as Vyce and Snow enter Vyce's lair, followed by Lord Drake and Tlanextic.
Drake: How long has that been there?
Vyce: I don't know, it just kinda.. appeared from nowhere.
Snow looks away and whistles.
Vyce: Oi!
Snow: I thought you would like it!
Vyce: I do.. Just.. Eek.
Snow: Anyway... I'm stuck on this one mission.
Vyce: Okay, let's give it a whirl...
Vyce signs in, and the game starts to load up.
Ace Combat 2020!
Vyce: This suspiciously looks like Ace Combat 6...
Garuda 1: Hey there, I'm Talisman.
Garuda 2: And I'm generic wingman number two, aka Shamrock.
Vyce: Did they pick their names?
Talisman: I'm not sure, but i think we should fire the writers for coming up with the name of our country as 'Gracemania'.
Shamrock: Talisman sir, that's Gracemeria, and our Country is Emmeria.
Talisman: Right, Gracemania.
Tlanextic: Are they talking to us?
Talisman: Yeah.
Snow: Welcome to modern consoles.
Vyce: Creepy.
Shamrock: Right, so my buddy her-
Talisman: I'm the player, I'm the star of the show. Your the useless wingman who flies about and doesn't care if i get killed with bogeys on my six.
Shamrock: There's was a pretty butterfly, honest.
Talisman: A high speed butterfly? Last I check you were going 900 kph.
Shamrock: And that's assuming we use km.
Talisman: I would think so, it'd be pretty crazy going 900 mph.
Vyce: Guys, guys, focus.
Shamrock: A butterfly can fly that fast.
Talisman: no it can't, we don't even have butterflies in our country.
Snow eyerolls.
Snow: Just hit start and it'll skip to the game.
Vyce: is that ethical?
Tlanextic: We're Chaos, we don't care about ethics.
Vyce: This is true...
Vyce shrugs and hits start, the game loads.
Vyce: Only one place? Bah.. Lesse.. F-16C Fighting Falcon, Mirage 2000-5, Tornado GR.4, or the A-10A Thunderbolt II... Which one were you using?
Snow: The Thunderbolt, because it looks cool.
Vyce: Well there's your problem, the A-10 is slow as balls. try out this Mirage here, she's fast and deadly.
Shamrock: yeah, but if you so much as poke it it'll explode.
Drake: So it's the Pintos of aircraft?
Talisman: No, she's that fragile.
Drake: Sounds like the Eldar.
Vyce: Their personal philosophy being "Sure, we're fragile, but good luck hitting us."
Drake: Sounds like the Tau "Kais, if he's there, nobody can stop us!"
Tlanextic: You idiot, that's not even close.
Drake: "Kais isn't afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Kais"?
Tlanextic: No, it's "Sure we suck at CC, but good luck getting there."
Drake: I knew that.
Vyce plays for awhile with Drake and Co. watching.
Tlanextic: You know. I just noticed something...
Vyce: What?
Tlanextic: Well it appears your doing everything as the pilot Talisman. And the rest of the military more or less sucks.
Talisman: Yeah, welcome to my world. I have to do everything around here and if it weren't for me Emmeria would be under Estovakian rule since day one.
Vyce: I know your supposed to be the hero of this story, but I don't think iot's very realistic for the military to be completely incompetent.
Shamrock: You should have seen what happened when we were supposed to protect Snake Pit, our ESM radar plane.
Talisman: Yeah, bogeys everywhere and our fighters were just milling about.
Shamrock: Talisman here was piloting a Tornado GR.4 at the time.
Talisman: Yeah, when they said it was terrible with air to air combat, it wasn't kidding!
Shamrock: Spent an hour nearly running out of time down to the last two seconds because I was incompetent and his plane couldn't knock down bogeys.
Talisman: And then have to do it all again!
Shamrock: No wonder those Stokies beat us so badly in our own capital. Those wankers.
Talisman: Well maybe if you'd help me out!
Shamrock: I did help you out, remember those drones?
Talisman: No, but I think your going to remind me.
Flashback.
Snake Pit: Incoming cruise missiles! BREAK AWAY!
Shamrock: Huh? What?
Shamrock's plane smacks into a Drone, who just now decided to guide a cruise missile at it, and Shamrock's plane explodes.
Talisman: Shamrock! You idiot! I'd mourn you but i know you'll respawn next mission!
Shamrock: Cuuuuurse yooou!
Back to present.
Shamrock: Wait a minute.
Talisman: I told you you didn't.
Shamrock: But what about that one time we were fighting those super-planes? I helped then too!
Flashback.
Talisman: Shamrock! Get this guy off my six? Shamrock?
Shamrock: Sorry Talisman, I was making a run on this massive thing. HOLY SHI-
One of the massive airplanes makes a turn and inadvertently smacks into Shamrock's plane, which explodes.
Talisman: Shamrock!! N-Wait. You respawn. Nevermind. See you next mission.
Present.
Shamrock: That's another bad example.
Talisman: I have a novel's worth of bad examples.
Shamrock: Damn, maybe I am useless.
Vyce: Will you two shut up and let me play?
Both: .....
