Relating the story of Charles' past had been very trying on the Dowager Countess. Charles left her with Robert and Rosamund and left to find Elsie with the family. Charles found them in Dr. Clarkson's consulting room. Both Rose and Isobel had been brought in on the secret. Rose expressed her excitement at having him in the family with perhaps more energy than was necessary in Carson's mind. Cora reminded Rose that they'd all agreed that the information would go no further. "Under no circumstance is anyone else to be told. Not even your mother, Rose. Especially, not your mother."
"Of course not!" Rose agreed. "You might was well hire a marching band to parade through town with a banner, as tell her anything you'd like to keep secret."
Isobel and Elsie sat in the corner together, talking quietly. Isobel took her cue from Elsie and let Charles come to them. He was looking overwhelmed. "I can understand how a single piece of news can change your life forever, Mr. Carson. Such news is both a blessing and a burden."
"Indeed, thank you, for saying so, Mrs. Crawley."
Still holding Elsie's hand, she shared, "Becoming part of this family has enriched my life in many ways, but sometimes I still dream of my old life in Manchester. If you need anything from me, either of you, you need only ask."
Charles left the two friends to themselves a while longer as he joined the rest of the family. He assured them that the Dowager looked very healthy and that he wouldn't be surprised if she was her old self in no time. He was not prepared to recount the Dowager's story and deflected most of their direct questions, promising that Lord Grantham or Lady Rosamund would answer all their inquiries soon enough.
Finally, Charles said, "Elsie and I should go. It will look suspicious if we spend so much time with the family."
It was a sensible argument, but the truth was, he was becoming claustrophobic in this room. He needed space. After years of having no one, Charles now found himself with a wife, an uncle and cousin, a half-brother and half-sister, two nieces, a nephew-in-law, a grandniece and grandnephew, and whatever Rose and Violet were to him. Cousins? The weight of all this new family was almost suffocating.
He was used to people needing things from him, but his butler's margin of detachment from the family was gone. As Isobel had noted, belonging to a family such as the Crawleys was a double edged sword. He supposed belonging to any family must be the same.
Finally escaping the smothering attention, Charles walked with Elsie out of the hospital. A wave of indecision and confusion washed over him. It was too soon to go back to the Grantham Arms and it would be disruptive if they walked up to the main house to visit. He looked at the Dog and Duck. For the first time in his life, Charles actually contemplated drinking himself into forgetfulness. He'd spoken brave words of forgiveness to the Dowager and his half-siblings. He had wanted to mean them, but he did not feel as brave now.
Charles thought of the Dowager's story and of his uncle's account. In retrospect, he was just a piece of flotsam floating through his life at the whim of the winds and currents of other people's decisions. He was a grown man of almost seventy. He was responsible for his own life, but as a child, they'd given him a map with no legend and a compass with no needle and they had set him adrift in a boat with no oars. Was it any wonder that he had abandoned the boat, picked a direction and started swimming?
Order and tradition were the stars by which he had tried to navigate. All of this new information had not helped him; it had only shifted the sky, the stars had changed. He told himself he was still the son of Caroline and David Carson. He was still the trusted and valued servant of Downton. But he wasn't as confident in those facts as he had been just the day before.
Swimming in deep waters, doubt was your greatest enemy. If you doubt, you stop swimming. If you stop swimming, you sink. His chest tightened as another wave of uncertainty threatened to overwhelm him…
"Charles?" Her voice called him back to himself. "It's been a full and exhausting twenty-four hours. Why don't we have an early supper and turn in?"
"That is a wonderful plan, love." He tried to sound enthusiastic, but had no hope of fooling her and abandoned the pretense mid sentence. She steered him into the Dog and Duck. Had it really been only a day? This time yesterday, he was soaking in a hot bath, looking forward to dinner with Elsie and Lady Mary. That was another reason he had enjoyed being a butler, experience had convinced him that almost nothing good ever came of leaving the comfort of your home.
Seated at the Dog and Duck, they had just been served their bread and stew when Mr. Beadle stopped by their table. "Wasn't sure we'd be seeing you again, Mr. Carson, Mrs. Carson. It's very good to see you both."
"Thank you, Mr. Beadle, but I don't know why you are surprised to see us." Elsie said, nonchalantly. "We may be semiretired in Hull, but we have many friends in Downton whom we shall often be visiting, I shouldn't wonder."
"There was a rumor that you'd have a falling out with the Earl." He looked greedily at Mr. Carson, hoping for a tidbit of gossip to feed the crows at the Post Office.
Mr. Carson mostly ignored him, only acknowledging his presence by setting down his spoon. Elsie answered again, "As you say, Mr. Beadle, it's a rumor. And a false one, at that. We are still on excellent terms with the family."
"I'm glad to hear it." Though he didn't believe it. He wasn't the center of the Downton grapevine for nothing. "If you don't mind my asking, why did you leave Downton, if you are still so close with the family?"
Effortlessly, Elsie spun the story they'd agreed upon. "Mr. Carson and I discovered very quickly that being married was going to affect our ability to maintain our high standards of service. We had hoped it would not, but that was the reality. It wasn't fair to the staff or the family to ask them to accommodate us.
"We are very lucky that Charles' uncle and cousin have work for him in their company, but we had to move to Hull quickly because they needed Charles to start right away. The family has been very understanding."
"What kind of work is it, Charles?" When he failed to respond to the prying man's inquiry Elsie kicked Charles under the table.
"Hm? Oh, yes, ah, wine importing." Charles managed to reply, almost looking engaged. "Setting up contracts and scheduling shipments."
"Is there something wrong, Charles?" Mr. Beadle asked. Charles looked at him with his mouth agape, he could not think of a response.
Elsie stepped in again. "You've heard about the Dowager, I've no doubt, Mr. Beadle?"
"Oh, aye. I hope she's well." Seeing the opportunity for more information, he asked, "Do you know anything?"
"Well, the doctor seems to think she will recover, but Mr. Carson is still very worried about her. Now, I don't wish to be rude, Mr. Beadle, but we'd like to finish our supper in peace, if we may. It's been a trying day. Charles didn't get much sleep last night."
"Yes, of course. I heard that you arrived with His Lordship and Lady Mary early this morning, Mr. Carson."
"If you knew about that, I wonder that you give any credence to the rumor of a falling out. Really, Mr. Beadle, you are considered one of the best sources in Downton. Please make sure you get your facts right."
The humbled postman recognized that he had been dismissed. Marriage certainly had not softened the Elsie Hughes he had known. Mr. Beadle offered his farewell and left them.
Charles managed to say a weak, "Goodbye, Mr. Beadle."
Elsie watched the man leaving the pub with his quick, officious gait. "Well, that will spread our story more quickly than posting an announcement in the Times." She was proud of her handiwork.
Charles picked up his spoon, but before he began to eat his stew again he said, "I never know if I should be impressed or frightened that you can lie so easily, love."
"I think you're best settling on a healthy mixture of both, love. And a Scot never lies. Lying is so crude. We just bend the truth a wee bit until we like the way it sounds."
He gave her a weary half smile at this, "I'll make a note of that for future, love."
CE—
After supper, Elsie and Charles walked the short distance back to the Grantham Arms. Charles was still in deep contemplation. Elsie had not dared to press him for information while they were in public. She was anxious now to reach the privacy of their room and learn what the Dowager had told him.
Elsie accepted the key from Mr. Samuels and confirmed that they would be taking breakfast at the pub the next morning. Charles followed obediently in her wake. Elsie turned the key in the lock and they both entered the room. Wordlessly, Charles removed his coat and helped her out of hers.
Elsie looked at the room. There were two chairs, but they didn't look very comfortable, perhaps they should just sit on the bed. She had a feeling he would need her close when he recounted the story.
She turned back to him as he took her hand. Before she knew what was happening, Charles had pulled her close to him. He kissed her gently, wrapping his arms around her, but then, something changed. His grip became possessive and his kiss became hungry. He held her against the door. He began removing her clothes and his in a random, frantic manner.
"Charles…" Elsie gasped.
"Shh. Please, love, no talking." His voice was pleading, in stark contrast with his forceful actions. He didn't need her words, he needed her. He needed to be desired by her. Above all, he needed to feel in control of something; anything.
He was as intense and frantic as he had been on their first evening, but now he had confidence and experience. In the fleeting moments of thought that she managed, Elsie understood what he needed from her and let him take it. What she gave him was not complicated; it was simple and visceral and precious.
Sometime later, they lay in the semi dark room, side by side on the bed, with only their shoulders touching. "Thank you, love. I needed that." He breathed, sounding like himself for the first time since they'd left the hospital.
"You are welcome, love, but I'll have to admit that it was mutually beneficial."
"I'd be disappointed to hear otherwise." The sound of his deep chuckle comforted her. She had been worried about him all through supper.
She reached out and took his hand in hers. "Are you ready to talk now?"
"I was rather hoping you'd be too exhausted." He squeezed her hand gently.
"I am exhausted, just not too exhausted to listen. And I won't get much sleep until I know everything. My curiosity is just too strong."
"Very well." He proceeded to tell her everything that had passes between him, Robert and Rosamund. Then, he told her Lady Violet's story. She listened intently, not wanting to miss any detail for fear of making him repeat anything. She listened to his tone almost as much as she listened to the words. "And I forgave her." He concluded. He was holding her close now.
"Just like that?" She sounded skeptical.
"I didn't see the point of doing anything else." He admitted. "What good would it have done to be angry with her?"
"But you are angry with her?"
"I don't know. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between anger and injury." He mused. "I can see not telling a child the truth. But at some point, I was adult enough to be trusted to make my own decisions."
"But you have made your own decisions, love."
"But I didn't have all the information." He reminded her.
"Would it have made a difference? At every chance, you chose to stay with the family." She reasoned. "The only difference would have been that you would not have been allowed to stay with the family. I don't see that knowing would have made anything better."
When he did not reply, she continued to think out loud. "You are still Charles Carson. That has not changed." She felt his chin against her hair as he nodded.
"I know that, but it puts a new angle on every interaction I ever had with my parents, especially, my father. He was so happy when my mother finally became pregnant. They'd been trying for years. Now I see that he wanted a child that was truly his. And I can't blame him for that."
"You heard your uncle; your father loved you, Charles."
"I suppose he did." Charles conceded. "But when I think of all the years at Downton; with the Dowager and the 4th Earl? They knew all along. That's what is hardest for me to accept."
"And how do you envision your life would be different if you had known?"
"It's hard to say. It isn't as if I missed out on knowing my real father. The Earl and I were actually very close. Maybe closer than he was to Lord Grantham."
"That's probably what the Dowager intended."
"Perhaps."
"So that's an advantage to not having known. What might have changed if you'd known?"
"When I was with my uncle, I did have aspirations of going to university. I did well in the Hull higher grade school. I was particularly interested in the science of engineering, but I thought I was set to work for my uncle and didn't pursue it. Not to mention the cost was prohibitive. If I had known my true background, I might have had more opportunities for an even higher education."
"You are very intelligent, I know, love, but Science? Engineering? I am not sure that was a realistic dream. Charles, need I remind you of your reaction to the sight of an electric toaster?"
He did laugh at this. "But if I had seen it when I was seventeen, I would have pulled it apart to find out how it worked. If I had attended university, I would have applied myself to my studies with the same single-mindedness that I applied to becoming a butler."
Elsie believed him, but she couldn't believe it was worth second guessing his life. Not at this stage, especially. "But you became a phenomenal butler, Charles, and you should be proud of that."
"I am, love. And if I had never been a butler, I would never have met you, so I can never regret where my life has led me. It's just frustrating to see how much I've let other people's decisions shape my life."
"I understand. Speaking of decisions…we've a few to make."
"I can't go from complaining about having no say in my life to lamenting having too many decisions to make. But, in reality, we only have one decision; what do you want out of life as we move on from today?" He asked her.
"I want to be with my husband and with my friends. I want to stay busy, doing something worthwhile."
"Then that is what you shall have."
"The truth is that I was just starting to enjoy Hull. The only question would be if I could stay busy enough there."
"You seemed excited about running your own business."
"I am still excited about it, I just don't know if there is enough work to keep both Suzanne and me busy year round. But there is something exhilarating about being the boss; the person who is responsible for everything."
"My favorite thing about Hull is our silly flat. After running someone else's household for so long, I like having my own."
"And all those years, we ran Downton by other peoples' rules. We did it well, but it is nice to live by our own rules. "
They lay, quietly for a while, each considering their options for the future. Eventually, Charles spoke. "What do you think of the Grantham Arms?"
"It's comfortable enough, and you can't beat the location. But I will be glad to sleep in our own bed soon."
"I meant, as a business; as our business."
"What? Very funny." He didn't speak. "Charles, are you serious? Is that even possible?"
"I've been talking to Mr. Samuels about the possibility for some time. He's been considering selling ever since Lilian died, three years ago."
"Charles, how is running a pub any better than running a tea shop? You were appalled when Mr. Bates was working in a pub."
"A valet tending bar is very different from a retired butler and housekeeper owning a pub. And the Grantham Arms is more than just a pub, it's also an inn. I've seen the books; the income is steady. With a few efficiencies, the profits could be even greater."
"You've looked at the books? Why would you do that?"
"I've been helping Mr. Samuels with some advice and bookkeeping for years. After you and I became engaged, he and I started discussing the possibility of us buying him out. I wanted to be prepared in the event that things did not work out at Downton."
"Which they did not."
"No, but not for the reasons I had thought."
"Should I ask why didn't you mention this to me earlier?"
"I wanted us to focus on making things work at Downton. I thought if you knew that I'd been talking to Mr. Samuels, you might think that I expected us to fail."
"And you thought that would make me reconsider marrying you?"
"I admit, I did. But it's the perfect solution now. With all the new developments, owning the Arms would solve a lot of our problems. We'd have a plausible reason to be in Downton and it wouldn't be odd for us to interact with the family."
"People might think Mary or Lord Grantham have developed a drinking problem."
"As middle class business owners, we could have some interaction with the family without suspicion. And we can improve some things at the pub, make it more respectable. And give them excuses to visit. I have some ideas."
"Such as?"
"Live music, better food, a wine list, theme nights..."
"A wine list might we wasted on this lot. And what precisely is a theme night?"
"Just what it sounds like; you take a traditionally slow night, basically any weeknight but Friday, and offer something unique that might bring in fresh customers. Themes can be anything; based on activities or groups of people. You could do a book discussion night, a farm worker's night, a veteran's night… anything that gets people into the pub and drinking. The possibilities are endless."
"Sounds like a lot of work."
"Which you and I are used to. But once something catches on, it should be self-sustaining; driven by local interest. Whatever it is will become as regular as heading to the pub for a pint on payday for the people of Downton. Tom says his cousin runs a quiz at his local in Dublin."
"A quiz?" Elsie thought that sounded like fun. "Charles, I can see you have given this a good deal of thought, but what about Hull? Are you planning to abandon all of that?"
"That's another reason purchasing the Arms is perfect. We don't have to rush. Mr. Samuels will not be ready to sell until next year. He's having a house built near his brother in Harrogate but it won't be ready for a while. You can set things up with Suzanne and I can figure things out with Fredrick. We can have the best of both worlds, love.
"And even when we own it, we don't have to actually be here every day to run it. Mr. Grant has been essentially running things for Mr. Samuels for years and has been very trustworthy. I wouldn't dream of putting anyone out of work, so we'd keep him on. We could ask Anna and John to keep an eye on Mr. Grant for us when we are in Hull. And you and I could visit whenever we like and focus on slowly introducing our improvements. It wouldn't have to interfere with our lives in Hull at all."
An idea struck him. "We could hire Mrs. Patmore or Daisy to cook fancy dinner once every month or two. I'd put together some wine pairings and people would pay a flat price. You could bring in some of your staff from Hull for extra training and we'd have a high class, sit down dinner. We could give the Downton middle class a taste of the upper class."
"You make a very compelling argument, Mr. Carson. Have you considered where we are to get the money to make this great purchase?"
"As a matter of fact, I have. Samuels doesn't need the money in one lump sum. I have saved enough for a reasonable down payment. It would be most of my retirement savings, but not all of it. Then, we would send him a percentage of the profits, setting a minimum monthly amount until the purchase price is paid off, accounting for interest, of course. I could afford this even before I knew about the money my father had left me. Mr. Samuels and I had agreed on terms for fifteen years. And, if we can increase the profits even a little, we can pay off the purchase even faster."
Finally, the excitement of the last two days caught up with her. Elsie felt her eyelids growing heavy. "That's a good plan, Charles. But, at this moment, I am too tired to consider it properly."
"I know it's a lot to process, love, but we aren't up against any time table. Right now, we can focus on our trip to Italy, our Italian language lessons and your Robert Burns night."
Groggily, she offered, "We could have a Robert Burns night at the pub. I know many people in Downton who would pay good money to see you in a kilt."
"You'd have to give them their money back." He yawned grandly and turned to lie on his side, draping one arm over Elsie, protectively.
"Oh, it will happen, Mr. Carson." She snuggled into his sleepy embrace.
"In your dreams, Mrs. Carson." He was half asleep before the sentence was spoken.
"Yes, there as well."
A/N- One more chapter (I'm pretty sure) and an Epilogue and I'll give them back to Mr. Fellowes for a while. And my family will stop threatening to take away my computer ;)
