DISCLAIMER: Shaman King is not mine. Only my OCs are mine. MINE I SAY!
Note, I have no idea what any of the other priests do - other than Kalim and Silva and Nichrom, they're all a mystery to me. All names were taken from wikipedia, so if they say/do something that they totally wouldn't do in the manga, don't sue me. Also, don't hunt me down if they're spelled wrong or something like that. They're not really doing anything, anyway.
Two: Yes, it's going to seem like, "What the hell? This important plot piece came out of nowhere!" Originally, I never thought of this plot piece, but when I realized that I could use it, I literally jumped up and down yelling "It's perfect!" Maybe it's the fangirl in me. Gomen.
With those two important stuffs out of the way, let me first apologize for keeping you all from reading this chapter for an extra 24 hours or so. I've written a chapter-and-a-half since last week, but I still can't guarantee that I'll still be updating once a week. The upcoming week is a busy one (Latin convention, the geek here is uber excited), and I really want to make sure that these upcoming chapters are all straightened out plot-wise. Hey, it's all for you guys - you AWESOME guys - so don't complain! XD
Very off topic, but I recently had a weird dream - I was a shaman, and I was transported to another world with the gang because we had to save it from Hao or something silly like that. Somehow Ren got poisoned or something (his eyes had turned toxic purple) and Yoh had to take care of him, so me and my friend (who's name was registered in the dream as Pirika) walked down MY road to find the others. Who did we come across? Two X-Laws with big machine guns. I think we died. And in another dream my new OC idea and Horo were going to see a movie, and Horo couldn't find his money so he was looking all around for it in his jacket - he was seriously taking it off - and... yeah. You know how they say "I won't eat (insert food here) before going to bed again"? I think it was because I watched SK before going to bed. Needless to say, I'm going to be watching a lot more SK before going to bed.
Let's see, where did my evilness leave us off last chapter? Oh yes, somewhere along the lines of Horo coming in for the kill - er, kiss. *has an odd comical mental image of Horo running after everyone with Faust's medical equipment* Uh... XD If I could draw that idea I would. Anyways, y'all read on! (And I apologize if the beginning scene seems... rushed and choppy. Kinda meant it to be that way, but I don't like it.)
Fifty-Two: Denial and Decision
In a burst of panic, I jerked away from HoroHoro completely and blindly stumbled away, but once again he took hold of my wrist and blurted, "Is it Ren? I - I've seen the way you…look at him."
What happened next was instantaneous. The memory of my sort-of kiss with Ren nearly a year ago sprang into my mind, but it was different. Before, if I were ever to think about that terror-filled moment, I would unconsciously put up blocks around it - I had put blocks around it 24/7. But this time, the memory was so strong that it caused the blocks to break.
These blocks had before unconsciously kept Nix, whom had been grappling with Bason then, unaware of what I had done. I couldn't blame his reaction to the sudden knowledge: a wordless, mental howl of confusion and anger and fear.
I fell to my knees, and I vaguely heard HoroHoro call out. But at this point, it felt like he wasn't there at all.
There was no denying it. I thought I had fucked up by being so friendly to Yoh and the others, but now I couldn't escape from what I'd subconsciously always known… that I had broken a rule that was unfathomable to break and unfathomable to even think of.
I'd never had a panic attack before, but when I started to hyperventilate, I knew what was happening.
I heard HoroHoro say my name again in shock, and he stuttered, trying to say something calming, but his words were lost on me as I started to get tunnel vision. His hand brushed my back in an attempt at comfort, but he unknowingly touched my mark, and the pain caused me to flinch away.
Thank the Great Spirits: before I passed out, I could swear that I heard Silva's voice…
()()()()()()
"'I kissed Tao Ren.'" That was what Nyorai had been about to say.
For nearly a year, I had been living in denial. I had repressed the information like one would a horrifying memory. It had been inevitable, the fact that I would have to face what I had done, but in fact I had locked the detail away.
Not only was I a hypocrite, I was a coward and an idiot - no, I was a least ten times worse than those things, because it was possible that I had… inadvertently given Ren part of my aid.
()()()()()()
My heart felt like it could give out in fear at any moment when I woke up. I didn't know how I wasn't sweating like crazy even though I felt hot all over. I didn't know how - or if - I was still sane. I just stared up at the ceiling, breathing heavily as if I had just woken from a nightmare.
'W-what happened?' I asked Nix, whom I could just barely see in the corner of my eye, though I could feel his palpable concern and quietness.
'You passed out,' he explained. 'Silva was there; we're back in our room. He's in the other room, and Shima is here with us. But the Ainu is also in the other room - he refuses to leave until he knows that you're all right.'
I sighed, trying to calm myself. HoroHoro's confession echoed in my ears, but it was far from being the most pressing matter in my mind. Right now, it was mostly an annoyance. 'Of course he does. But at least he didn't go screaming to Faust and the others…'
I felt a hand on my forehead. "Are you all right, Catori?" my mother asked quietly.
Fear struck my heart, and I replied without thinking. 'Yes - I was just exhausted.'
It was technically a half-lie, and I hadn't really covered up the whole Hao-thing, but it still made me feel sick.
"Do you need me to get you anything?"
I could hear the underlying meaning in my mother's words. She wanted to help me; she wanted me to confide in her, to tell her what I had really done and what was wrong. For a wild moment, I considered it, but I immediately thought better of it. I was never close to any mother I ever had, and Shima wasn't an exception, although she admittedly was the most understanding of me due to the obvious fact that she was Patch. Besides, even she would be horrified at what I had probably done.
In response to her question, I shook my head. 'May I have some water?'
"Of course," Shima replied, reaching over to the nightstand; she had prepared herself. I sat up, and when she handed the glass to me, she continued. "That blue-haired boy came with Silva. He won't leave, and Goldva needs to come and see you."
I nearly choked on my water. What the hell would I say to Goldva? To Silva, to any of them? I needed time to figure everything out, and it felt like there wasn't any time at all.
'The truth might be the best,' Nix suggested quietly to me.
Words couldn't describe the sudden fear I felt at the thought of being known as a liar. 'There's still a chance that Ren doesn't have any of it,' I snapped at Nix. I instantly felt a bit of regret for doing so, but I didn't apologize in words.
Nix looked down and didn't respond.
My mother, who wasn't aware of any of this side conversation, took my glass back when I was finished. She held it in her hands, rubbing the side with her thumb absent-mindedly. "What should we do about him?"
Though my mind was still mostly on the topic of my unthinkable mistake, an idea came to my mind. I felt a little guilty for the plan, but it had to be done. Of course, if I had never befriended Yoh and Manta and the others in the first place, I would never have had to do this at all, but here it was: the chance to cut off my faux friendships with them completely. At this point, it would definitely be for the best.
I brought my knees up to my chest and took Nix to integrate with him. "Let HoroHoro in," I told Shima. "He'll leave after that."
Something in my tone must've gotten through to my mother, because she frowned. She put down the glass and stood, heading toward the door, giving me one last quick look before she opened it and walked out. As her quiet voice wafted through the doorway, I hugged my knees and put my forehead on them. I felt my stomach twist at what I was about to do.
I heard footsteps, and a moment later, HoroHoro's hesitant voice broke the silence. "…Tori?"
I hugged myself tighter, as if I were afraid of his speech. In a way, I was.
I sensed him come closer. "Are… are you all-"
"Please go away."
The Ainu's shock was palpable at my quiet interruption. It took a moment for a slightly strangled "Huh?" to come out of his mouth.
I had Nix force my voice to go deeper and more hostile. "I don't want to talk to you." I had to restrain myself from stopping. "Get out."
HoroHoro's reply was quicker than I had thought it would be. "T-Tori, what are you-"
"I hate you."
After a tense moment, HoroHoro let out a nervous laugh. "You must still not feel well. I'll go get Faust and he can-"
"No," I interrupted. "I don't want to talk to any of you. I don't want to see any of you. I hate you all. Especially you."
"Tori…" HoroHoro's voice lost a bit of its concern and grew hard, but it still conveyed confusion, and… some desperation. "This isn't about what Ren was saying, right? You're not on Hao's side." The last words were obviously meant as a statement, but it nearly came out as a question.
Finally, I turned to look at him - straight in the eye. Without a word, I pointed towards the door. In no way did I answer his inquiry.
HoroHoro stared at me for a few long, hard moments. As each second passed, I felt my resolve drain, and I slowly pulled my arm back. What was I thinking? I couldn't do this. I couldn't tell HoroHoro that I hated him. I may not have felt about him the same that he felt about me, but I could never hate him.
And who was I kidding? There was no way in hell that, even if they didn't know me, Yoh or the others would accept my aid, even if I had what they needed to unite with the Great Spirits. We were already far, far past the point of no return. Going further wouldn't do any more harm.
'No,' Nix interrupted my thoughts. 'You can't do that.'
I ignored Nix, coming to a decision - I had to make up for this mistake, for all my mistakes. However, before I could do anything, HoroHoro spun around and began walking towards the door.
Panicked, I opened my mouth, but Nix wasn't having it, and all that came out was a squeak. HoroHoro seemed to hear it though, because he faltered, and I made to get to my feet. However, before I could, he whipped around and shot me a piercing glare.
"Now that I really think about it," he began, his voice low and fiercely underlined with anger, "we shouldn't have any reason to trust you. I can get not wanting to talk about yourself, but where the hell have you been all this time? What the hell have you been doing? Ren was right; you probably are Hao's spy or something." He let out a disbelieving snort. "I was so stupid."
His words felt colder than any attack he and Kororo could've dished on me. Without another word, he turned away completely, and I was frozen, only able to watch him leave.
()()()()()()
"Where were you, Catori?"
'It-it wasn't really my choice. Hao threatened to tell if I didn't go with him.'
Some of the priests murmured to each other. Funny how they could all fit into my living room.
I still felt cold. I still was aware that with every heartbeat a small part of my aid could possibly be in Ren. I still was asking myself why, how, and who, the questions the Great Spirits had raised about myself, along with ones I couldn't help wondering. Why am I here, Why am I so cold? How am I here, How could I have ever done that to Ren, even if it was the only thing I could think of to get him away from me at the time? Who am I, Who was I to do all the things that I've done?
"Do you know if he did tell?"
I remembered leaving Hao even though our deal hadn't been finished. 'No.'
The mutterings grew louder and more urgent.
"Why did you collapse?"
Because I think I did the unthinkable. 'I was exhausted. I was too afraid to sleep even when Hao and his followers offered me a pillow.'
Nix stayed silent as he crouched beside me on the chair. Though he would always go with my decision and he would never leave me, he wanted me to tell the truth, and I just couldn't here. There was still a chance…
Goldva sighed through his nose. "What about Usui?"
I wanted to shiver even more. 'He thinks I was just exhausted or something. He only stayed to make sure I was all right.'
"We have to keep this from happening again," Silva spoke up. "Hao could try this again, or T- Catori could get hurt." He just barely stopped himself from using my nickname.
"We could keep her under guard," Nichrom suggested from where he stood not too far away from my chair. He sounded sincere enough, but on top of all my anxiety, the memory of him taking me to Nyorai was too strong.
Goldva nodded. "That is a good idea. From now on, Catori should be accompanied by at least one priest."
"Should we move her?" Radim asked.
"No," Kalim answered. "It'd be too troublesome and risky."
I didn't mind that they weren't asking me for my compliance. I was already on board - I had no wish for any more "alone time" with Hao - but I also couldn't see myself answering any more questions coherently. Instead, my mind was replaying all sorts of scenes.
I wanted to come clean to Yoh and the others. I wanted to tell them absolutely everything… except for perhaps a small part, lest they try to interrupt my aid to the future Shaman King. I didn't care about the rules. I knew I was being selfish and stupid when I call them my friends, since I've been feeding them lies, but they mattered more to me than any stupid rules. Hell, they mattered more to me than my debt, even though if it came down to it I'd be forced to choose to serve the Shaman King and the Great Spirits. I had messed up earlier with HoroHoro, and I needed to make up for it…
…even if the likely outcome would be for them to hate me. Maybe… it might be better to hated for the truth than loved for the lies…
"Catori."
I jerked slightly, blinking as I realized that Goldva had said my name a couple of times. 'I'm sorry - yes?'
"From now on, the priests will take it in turn to stay with you and your mother," Goldva explained, looking slightly exasperated at my inattentiveness. "You are not to leave here unless a priest says so - no one else. Understood?"
I understood, but there were still things that I had to do. I had to apologize, I had to explain - and I had to make sure if Ren really did have part of my aid. I couldn't do all these things from here, but at the same time I was afraid to do anything. In response to Goldva, I nodded.
"Good."
"I'll guard her," Nichrom volunteered.
The offer caught me off-guard. In a weird instant of instinct, I had a bad feeling about Nichrom's motives.
Goldva shook his head. "Kalim will tonight. While Catori is here, there must always be at least one of us." The chieftain sighed through his nose once more. "This was too close a call, especially for a time when the Great Spirits are so silent. Never has Catori died before her duty has been carried out, and I do not want to know what happens if she does."
()()()()()()
During the next twenty-four hours, I spent at least ninety percent of the time in my room. I didn't sleep much, nor did I allow either the priest (a man named Boron had come to replace Kalim in the morning) or my mother to enter my room for more than a few moments. I didn't want any company other than Nix. I needed to think, I needed to decide what to do. It was a good enough time than any, as the Great Spirits were so silent that they weren't even announcing any matches.
Now, I was leaning on the stone of my windowsill, looking outside. I had a clear view of one of the usually busier streets about twenty feet below, though it was empty now since it was lunchtime and it only had one shop that was closed because Boron obviously wasn't able to pick up Silva's shift; and out past the edge of the village, beyond what looked like miles of trees, was the swirling, massive form of the Great Spirits. They were so far away, but eventually I'd be there, with the Shaman King. With bitter amusement, I wondered, if Yoh or one of the others managed to defeat Hao, they would even mind accepting my aid.
Was this really what Goldva would call the Great Spirits' will? For me to suffer, for anyone to suffer? To give me countless of lifetimes of no real feeling, only to bombard me with it now? To suddenly make me lonely and bitter and cynical and a liar and just… a coward and an idiot…?
For the first time, I didn't find myself just hating my rules. I hated my duty altogether. Oh, I'd still do it - no question about that, I had to for the world - but that didn't mean that I had to like it. It didn't mean that I couldn't rebel even further. The Great Spirits may have given me life, but Yoh and the others had made everything I'd ever done worth it to live. To hear HoroHoro say that he had no reason to trust me hurt me more than spiritual contact with my mark. At least then the pain stopped.
'I have to do it, Nix,' I murmured. 'Tell them everything - mostly.' The thought of still keeping something from them made my chest feel tight, but the fact was that it was a secret that would definitely be better if they didn't know. 'Even if they hate me for it.'
I turned to Nix to see him looking up at me with his dark eyes. Even though he and I were always connected and we nearly always knew each other's emotions and thoughts (unless we concealed them, which was something we had both done - I worse than him, by far, as he was only keeping his nervousness from me), loyalty radiated palpably from his expression.
He didn't have to say anything. He would always be there for me. He would always be on my side, even if he didn't agree with me. In the beginning of our "little adventure" with Yoh and the others, he'd been argumentative - and I remembered him flat-out refusing to help me attack Faust when the doctor had tortured Manta - but he'd always done what he thought was best for me.
For a moment, I felt terrible for what I'd done to Nix, but he silently forgave me before even a second passed. He and I shared a bond that went beyond the beyond. Since our beginning, we'd essentially been Yin and Yang - even when we were apart, our souls were connected.
There was a knock at my door, and I turned around to see my mother poke her head in the room.
"Are you all right?" she asked.
I nodded. 'Yeah.'
Shima hesitated. "Would you like anything to eat? I made some soup for Boron."
Even if I was hungry, I didn't think I'd be able to keep down anything. 'No, thanks.'
My words were enough to stop the conversation, but my mother hesitated for a moment before coming into the room. Confused, I watched as she neared me; when she was close enough, she reached out, hesitated again, then touched my cheek in a mothering fashion. I unconsciously stiffened, but if Shima noticed, she didn't show that she did.
"You know," she began after a moment, "even if you are what you are, I still love you. I always have."
I won't lie - I felt uncomfortable. I didn't have any sort of ill-will for Shima, but never in my existence had I loved a mother, or even another person - perhaps the closest I've come is with Nix. Though I can't say this accurately because I've never felt love, I had a feeling that Nix and I might've gone to a point farther than that. But "love" is a finicky word; I had no way of knowing.
An expression I couldn't read came into my mother's eyes - part of me felt glad that I had lost the furyoku boost from the Chou Senji Ryakketsu: I had no desire to know what she was feeling. She pulled her hand back. "You're a very beautiful woman," she murmured; her voice nearly broke on the last word. "I don't say things like that enough."
With that, she gave me a sad smile and left my room, closing the door quietly behind her.
A weird feeling entered my stomach, but I had no clue what it could be. Instead of addressing it, I turned back to the window and decided to sit on it; I let my legs hang out over the street as I stared at the distant deity. I didn't know it then, but even though so many feelings and thoughts where whirling around in my mind, it was the calmest that I would feel for a long time.
"T-Tori-kun?"
The voice caught me by surprise, and I nearly fell backwards. I caught myself, though, and looked down into the otherwise-empty street. Looking smaller than usual because of the height I was at, Manta stood below me. Though I couldn't completely make out his features, he looked confused, somewhat angry, and… at least slightly afraid.
"Tori-kun," he repeated again as if he were trying to get his bearings on what to say; I did, however, catch the slight tremble in his voice at the honorific. "H-Horo-Horo-kun said that you - that you aren't worth our trust. Is… is he right?"
Guilt hit me square in both the chest and stomach. Here was just one consequence of all my lies: Manta looking up at me in fright and confusion. I didn't want to explain everything to him right here, though; I didn't know if I could bear telling the truth more than once.
Without either merging with Nix or oversouling him, I let myself slide off of the sill, keeping a hand and foot on the wall to slow my descent; the landing jarred my legs, but nothing else. Now Manta stood a few feet from me. He looked a little nervous, but determination showed on his face. After a moment, though, it fell.
"I-I didn't come looking for you or anything," he stammered. "Ryu-san was sad - Lyserg-kun abandoned Morphine, and I was going to help Ryu-san…" He trailed off. Quietly, he asked, "Tori-kun… we're friends, right? You didn't lie to us."
I didn't know my heart could tear like this. I knelt down, regardless of how Manta might take this as me acting like he was a child, and was a second away from speaking to him telepathically when the sound of footsteps caught my attention, as well as a presence. I looked up sharply.
Lyserg stood there, holding out his arm. An iron chain around his arm seemed to come to life, and before I could react, it had wrapped around both me and Manta, and when it touched my mark I was lost to pain.
