CPOV

"What the fuck?" I say more to myself than anyone else because…well, because I'm alone in my office right now. Elliot must be expecting my call since he picks up on the second ring.

"Hey, you're back."

"What the fuck does this text mean?"

"Just what it says, bro. We're going camping next weekend at Mount Rainier National Park."

"Have you lost your fucking mind? You think I'm going to go camping with you and Kate? Or at all?"

"No, I know you're going to go camping with Kate, Ana, their friends Lisa, Jose, Rachel and Devin. Look, Kate really wants to go, I'm not entirely sure why but I think it may have something to do with me blabbing about how Sasha and I spent a weekend backpacking through Yellowstone."

"Who?" Is he on drugs?

"Sasha. My girlfriend my freshman year of college. My only girlfriend up until Kate." I have no idea who the hell Sasha is. "Come on dude, I ditched her after I caught her fucking two of my friends when she thought I was passed out after my birthday party."

Oh right, Sasha. I never even had to tell him that she knocked on my bedroom door right before that to ask me if I'd like to fuck her ass while Elliot watched. I'd slammed the door in her face with a 'fuck you' and then sat on my bed for an hour trying to figure out how to tell him. Turns out, I didn't have to. She was acting out her fantasy with two of Elliot's buddies from college who had come up for the weekend.

"Elliot. Have fun. We're not going. I was planning on taking Ana out on the Grace for the weekend." And my plans include fucking her brains out in the middle of the ocean, not sitting around a campfire singing Kumbaya.

"Let me put it to you this way. I took mom to the fucking opera for you. You are going camping. In fact, you owe me way more than a night in the wilderness." He's got me there. "And, Kate spoke with Ana not ten minutes ago and guilted her into it as well since we'll be in Barbados that Monday for two weeks and you've all but stolen her best friend from her. So, have one of your minions research luxury sleeping bags and put me through to Taylor so we can arrange security."

"Don't act like you didn't like the opera." He scoffs and then covers the phone to yell at one of his guys.

"Oh yea, I liked it about as much as the proctology exam I'm going to give you if you don't come. Anyway, I'll see you at the wedding tomorrow?" Behind my eyes a dull throb begins to take root. A fucking wedding. Fuck. Me.

"We'll be there. Oh, and tell your girlfriend to stop trying to ditch her security, it's starting to piss me off."

"Ha! You try telling Kate to do something. I'd love to see that confrontation."

"Well then don't come crying to me when some schmuck has her in a dog cage in East Jabip and won't release her until I've paid a ransom. No security, no ransom. She wants to be with a Grey, she gets security. If she tries to buck her CPO one more time, I'm putting two more on her."

"Oh great." He groans. "I just can't wait to have this conversation. I'm taking her to the Mile High first and plying her with your most expensive Bordeaux, you cool with that?"

"Elliot, you can take her to Mars for all I care, just get her on board with protocol."

My desk is covered with things that need my once over and my approval but one thing in particular grabs my attention. It's the front page of the New York Times and underneath that the Seattle Times, the Chicago Tribune and a slew of international publications all with the same picture.

Anastasia standing between myself and Prince fucking Carl. When the Prince had slipped his hand around her waist I don't know and I don't care. All I know is around her bare shoulder is my hand and at the crest of her hip is his. The pictures were taken at the dinner and were supposed to be used for PR purposes and ultimately for fundraising but instead, the headlines read more like a tabloid.

-How many men can one woman keep?-
-Princess? Or First Lady of Seattle?-
-Siren of Seattle snags Swede-
-Share the Wealth, Steele!-

"Andrea!" She comes in with her tablet ready, not at all phased by the temper tantrum I'm throwing early on a Thursday morning. "Get Debra from PR in here now and then get me the number of trends Feed the Nation has going right now on the social networks. I want to know if any of this…shit…mentions what we were actually there for."

"Yes, Sir. I'm sorry to do this to you but your mother has been calling about dinner tonight."

"Not going to happen. Tell her Ana's got two appointments and I have that dinner thing with Pesco Fuel." Which reminds me. "I want to know how much stock Halen has in that company in the next hour. Actually, I want to know what he owns of everything. Get Tony Lain to find his K1 or something and if he can't, have Welch find out who manages his portfolio."

Call it a hunch, call it business acumen but I feel the need to be ready to go to war with him at a moment's notice. It came as no surprise to me when I heard that he'd called her office first thing this morning and spoke with her directly since Matt wasn't in.

I'm a CEO. I know how this shit works. You have assistants and teams that you delegate this type of bull shit to. You do not call a contractor yourself when you have no less than 20 people who can do it for you. Unless you're agenda is less about business and more about the contractor. Like mine was when I first started with Anastasia.

"Yes, Sir. Lastly, the SEC representative called earlier. Actually, he stopped by yesterday at four but said he'd return at some point today to discuss some new developments." Perfect, just what I need today.

The only bright spot in my entire morning comes when Jamodo emails me a prospectus with regards to the revamping of the Lighthouse Children's Home and four other orphanages in the area. It's most likely unnecessary as the money we'll get from Sweden isn't earmarked for a specific project but it's good to have nonetheless. I'm pleased to see that a minimum of 45 people will be hired and another 10 or so will be outsourced to make furniture.

"Christ, Christian! I told Taylor all I knew about the place. He said he'd send Ryan up there to scope it out."

"I'm not calling for that you dope. Does Kate have any work right now?"

"Work? She's freelancing for a few different places but nothing substantial right now. Why?"

"Because I need someone to manage the PR for Feed the Nations and the current team I've got here is for GEH. I need to start a US office and I'd be interested in seeing if she could do a few pieces on what we're doing over there to get the ball rolling."

"Wow, bro. That's pretty great of you. So, you're going to work on making FTN into a big thing?"

"It's time. I let it coast along but now's the time to really push it and get the word out so that we can get some private funding. Which means, bro, that you'll be cracking that checkbook of yours open."

"Bro, you got it. I'll talk to Katie and see what she thinks but if she wants to meet with Prince Charming, forget it. I don't need her around a guy that looks like that. Shit, I'm surprised you didn't go nuclear when he put his arm around Ana." I would have had I seen it.

"Talk to Kate and have her get back to me."

Andrea assures me that FTN is indeed trending, albeit not much, on social networking sites. There has been a marked uptick in searches on the Prince and for Anastasia but along with those searches, some people have shown a real interest in the charity itself. I need to reach those people but I need to have a network in place here in the US that can facilitate the kind of interest I'm hoping to generate.

"Grey." I snap into my cell without looking at the screen first.

"Um…sorry. Rough day I take it? I can call back." My sweet girl's voice flows over the phone, straight from my ear to my anxiety, immediately knocking it down to a manageable level.

"No, no. I'm fine. Coming back from any time away is always frustrating. What's up?"

"Did you talk to your dad? About...you know."

"Yes, he came by early this morning. If it makes you feel any better, he wasn't interested in the least that you were a virgin. His focus is in helping the DA eliminate any type of defense Hyde can come up with and this was a major score for him. He likes you, Ana. He respects you and he wants to help protect you."

"So I don't need to hide my face when I see him?" She giggles but it's fake.

"No, you don't. He's a 60 year old man whose seen it all at this point. This is nothing for him. Is that why you called?"

"No. I interviewed that girl for the job opening here and I'd like to hire her but I realize that you'd be more comfortable if you ran a back ground check so I'm calling with her information." A smile creeps along my mouth at her acquiescence. Give and take, tit for tat, push and pull. Whatever the fuck you want to call it, we're working on it. Oh yea, compromise.

"Thank you, baby. Just give it to Sawyer and he'll run it through our system here. I gotta run, Barney's been calling all morning and I can't push him off any longer. I'll see you late tonight."

I need to move, other than a six mile run this morning, I haven't worked out in over a week and I'm feeling it. So, much to Andrea's surprise I walk to Barney's office. Despite having a corner on the 18th floor and being surrounded by glass and white furniture, somehow his office is like a dungeon. When he sees me he stands and brushes a few crumbs from his lap, shocked as hell that I'm here.

"Mr. Grey, welcome back. Andrea, hi." Poor guy. He doesn't stand a chance with her. Can't imagine what that feels like. "I'm sorry to bug you but you wanted immediate updates on that website and there was one early this morning." He rushes to the front of his desk and goes to move a dead monitor from the seat there but I wave him off. I have no intention of staying here long.

"Andrea, I can find my way back. I need a few Advil's and a cup of tea. Weak. Get to it, Barney, I have no time today." He takes a few seconds to watch her leave and normally that would piss me the hell off but damn it if I don't find it a bit sad and let him have the time. This whole empathy thing? I could do without it.

"Outside of the usual postings and weirdness that place seems to encourage, there was an invitation posted for a get together next month at Esclava Salon. September 10th. I thought you'd want to know."

"Did you say September 10th? At Escalva?" He fiddles with his tie which is ridiculous since the thin piece in the back is longer than the front. Is...is that a Marvin the Martian tie?

"Yes and so far they're all going. Is there a significance I should be aware of for that date?" My hands twist in my hair before they drop to my sides in disbelief.

"Yes. That's Anastasia's birthday."

"Oh, that explains it then." He hurries on when I glare at him. "She was sent one as well to her private inbox since they think she's part of the group but hers came with a note that mentioned her meeting all the girls and the party being held in her honor. It also asked if she was unable to eat certain foods due to her...condition." Oh fucking fuck. We never dispelled the rumors...this could work in our favor. If nothing else, I know it's driving Elena crazy. Plus, I kind of like the idea of everyone thinking we're having a baby together.

"Send me a screen shot and then reply with regrets on her behalf. It's a Saturday, whoever organized it already know she can't come." He looks at me quizzically but I'm not worried that they'll misunderstand. Saturdays are sub days.

I have no doubt that Elena is behind this latest intrusion. Taylor has had someone monitoring all of the members of this stupid 'SubClub' and he's got a covert on Lillian since I need a clear read on her before I'll let Ana sit down with her. Not one of them seems to be causing any sort of trouble except for Kate being cited for public drunkenness the weekend after I terminated our contract. This newest bull shit falls squarely on the shoulders of Elena Lincoln. If I wasn't convinced that she was the mastermind of this 'Club' before, I am now.

Tony Lain hasn't heard a god damned thing from the IRS and nobody seems to give two shits over at the FTC with regards to her identity theft so we're back to looking at getting inside her operation. Ana brought up her promised lunch date with Lillian again on the flight home but I played it off. With the latest nonsense from Hyde I don't think she needs anymore crap loaded onto her plate.

But clearly Elena's getting antsy and grasping at straws but that date, that was a direct challenge to me. A clever one too. Too bad we'll be in Rome and I'll be balls deep inside my girl on her birthday, same way I was on my birthday. I smile for the first time since I woke at four.


With the fakest smile I can plaster on I welcome in Chuck Carvello from the SEC and sit down to hear what he has to say. In truth, I don't give a damn about anything to do with this case anymore but I will sit here and smile and nod and offer him a drink so that he doesn't feel the need to waste any more of my time.

"Mr. Grey, I wanted to bring you up to date on our investigation and bring you some good news as well. Your external audit was satisfactory to the powers that be over at the SEC so we won't need to be conducting one of our own as well. Unfortunately, since we didn't request it of you we aren't able to compensate you for any of it."

"No matter." I say with a flick of my wrist.

"As to Ms. Perkins, it's become painfully obvious that she was specifically sought out by Mr. James because of her employment here at GEH. As with any Ponzi Scheme, things had caught up to him and he needed large influxes of cash so he began dating her and two other women at other large firms and managed to manipulate each of them into getting him funds."

I don't even pity the woman. She was played worse than the investors who lost everything because she didn't just lose her savings, she lost her freedom and her husband. She was married, the dumb bitch.

"All three women are cooperating with the investigation and will most likely receive reduced sentences for their help. I understand that your own case against Ms. Perkins won't be affected in case you were wondering."

I wasn't, I'm not an idiot.

"Unfortunately any funds we do recover will be distributed out to the investors. I doubt most of it will be paid back but I'm going to be straight with you, there is absolutely no way GEH will received any of the funds stolen. The money Ms. Perkins was able to steal from your company should be considered a total loss."

Again, not an idiot.

"I understand and I'm fine with that." He uncrosses his legs and pulls a sheet of paper from his cheap briefcase and lays it in front of me. "What is this?"

"A profile sheet on a Kristin Howard." My eyes skim quickly and immediately notice that her current employer is…GEH. What the hell now?

"Ms. Howard was also approached by Mr. James about eighteen months ago and after establishing a relationship with her he requested that she begin siphoning funds through false ledgers.

"From GEH?" He nods once.

"He promised her an engagement but she refused him and came to us instead. Your employee was the whistleblower in this case."

Well fuck me. I don't even know who this woman is. "So she, this, Kristin Howard, is the reason you began investigating him?" He nods again.

"Up until that point Mr. James wasn't even on our radar. We've done all we can to keep her identity private but in the likely possibility that her name does becomes public, GEH will need to prepare a statement. We've received her permission to inform you and your PR department so long as you agree to keep the information proprietary. She's been provided an attorney should she need one and she has also been offered a percentage of compensation from any monies recovered. She refused and insisted that any and all funds should go to the people he ripped off."

"How much? How much could she have made?" He grins and stands.

"About four million dollars most likely. All tax free. A thank you from our government to a good citizen. I thought you should know so that you can prepare your PR department accordingly." He leaves and I immediately call Debra from HR into my office.

"How long has she been here?" Her fingers fly over the tablet balanced on her knees, pulling up Kristin Howard's employee profile just as I do the same on my desk PC.

"Four years, nine months. Good attendance record, steady raises and promotions, no write ups or complaints, all in all, a stellar employee."

"Schedule a meeting with her for an hour from now and then clear your schedule until then. I want to work up a package." As I rattle things off, calling in Taylor for him to help where required, she takes notes and remains silent but I can see the shock behind her baby blues.

One hour and one minute later Ms. Howard is in the conference room with Debra, clearly anxious and on edge. When I walk in with Christopher Moran, a new CPO on our team, she about has a heart attack. Almost five years she's worked here and this is quite possibly the first time I've ever been in the same room with her.

"Ms. Howard, please, take a seat and relax." She does with a small smile, her eyes darting nervously between myself and Christopher who sits next to me, still as stone.

"The SEC representative came by today to fill me in on the soon to be public details of their investigation into your ex-boyfriend." She cringes at the word but doesn't look away.

"Is it true that he approached you and attempted to convince you to use GEH as a funding mechanism for his scheme? Can you please elaborate?" Her chest rises with a deep breath and she rolls her shoulders back. I'm looking at one tough woman and I doubt she even knows it about herself.

"Yes, it's true. I thought he was actually interested in being with me but after a year or so I started to get suspicious as to where his money came from. Nothing he said ever really made sense. I'm in accounting, I know finances and after awhile I started asking questions and drawing conclusions but he never really answered anything. It was always a deflection or a roundabout answer that didn't add up and when I confronted him he came clean." She falters and sighs. "Well, I thought he had told me everything but I was wrong. Again. Anyway, I took two days to digest it all, locked myself in my apartment and laid out the facts for myself as I knew them. It was pretty obvious that he was a fraud."

"And were you aware of his relationship with Ms. Perkins? You worked in the same department, I would assume that information is shared in social settings."

"No, he was pretty secretive about us dating. I thought it was strange but now I know why. I'm not friends with Agnes, there are 40 of us in that department and she worked with a different team. Had I known, Sir, I would have come to you right away." I believe her. "Can I get some water please?"

Debra stands quickly and calls for Andrea who brings in a pitcher and crystal glasses filled with ice. Kristin drinks half of hers and then speaks again. For someone whos life is about to drastically change, she's remarkably composed.

"Anyway, he showed up at my house just as I was online looking up how to report him and that's when he tried to get me to join him in his lies. He told me I could make an enormous amount of money and then we could get away from Seattle and live the good life in Europe or South America, wherever I wanted. I let him talk and took mental notes. I let him believe I'd do it because, frankly, on TV, when the woman says no she winds up dead so I said yes and then he left and I called the SEC. And here we are."

"How long did you have to keep up the front while gathering intel for them?" She snorts and drinks the rest of her water.

"Almost a full month. It killed me, having to be around him, pretend like I was setting up false accounts here and then running around to the SEC reps with information and paperwork I'd managed to get my hands on."

"You loved him?" She snaps her gaze to me and blinks away tears.

"I did. Or, who I thought he was."

"And you gave all that up. Why?" With a face as innocent as a baby's and words as clear as a bell she answers.

"It was the right thing to do." And that was the right thing to say. I rise and push a piece of paper to her which she looks at quickly and then shakes her head once, reading it again. "Sir?"

"It's rare that I find someone with the kind of character you have. I'm used to scumbags and leaches and I have to say, it was refreshing to learn that people like you still exist. You had the opportunity to steal from me and you didn't. What you're looking at is your new position at a non-profit I have. You may have heard of it?"

"Um, yes. You and that Prince from Switzerland were just in Africa for it." I chuckle and run my fingers over my bottom lip.

"Sweden. And yes. So you're familiar with it?"

"Not really but I'd love to learn about it. I'm sorry, this says I'd be responsible for setting up an entire department? Is this for real, Sir?"

"I assure you, it's for real. I need a CFO, we've been expanding and bringing in more cash than we can manage at the current level we're operating at. The job pays twice what you're making right now and you can run it from here in Seattle, right in this building, or you can relocate to Liberia." She laughs and covers her mouth in disbelief.

"I'm good staying here, Sir."

"You'll be building an entirely new department and will become boss to the bookkeepers that we've been using for two years. You have total authority to do what you want but I need the department up and running in three months, tops. Are you able to meet that challenge?"

"I am." She says confidently, placing both hands on the table, back ramrod straight, eyes staring at mine and I have no doubt, zero, that she can do this.

"On that sheet is also a copy of a wire execution into your bank account. The SEC estimates that you would have received four million in compensation had you accepted their offer."

"But…this…this is for five. I can't…I…"

"You can and you will. This is Christopher Moran. Currently he works as a CPO to GEH executives who travel overseas but if your name becomes public, he will be your CPO until the news of your involvement has blown over. And these," I slide a set of keys towards her. "are to your new car." This feels good.

"Mr. Grey. I don't know what to say."

"All of my executives have cars so for that you can say thank you. For the money, the promotion, the good press you'll bring to GEH, I will say thank you to you. You made GEH proud today, Ms. Howard."

Sometimes, it's fucking awesome to be me.


The arrangement of lettuce on my plate is more interesting than the people I'm having dinner with right now. They're droning on and on about offshore drilling and the merits of fracking but I literally could not care less. Telepathically I'm demanding that Andrea remove them from any further after work availability. Scotch. It's the only way I'm going to get through this.

"So, Grey, your girlfriend. How'd she like that Prince? My wife spend all day looking him up after those pictures came out. You're a better man than me, I'd never have let my woman near a guy that looks like that." The asshole to my left actually makes to rib me with his elbow but the older executive across from him shoots him a look that could kill. You want my nine million dollar investment? Don't act like we're friends. We're not.

"She's a beauty that one, smart as a whip too it seems." This from some random asshole wearing a purple tie, a purple tie. I have no idea what he's here for since he's contributed exactly nothing to our discussion so far.

"She is." I say tightly, not at all liking the way Elbow Guy next to me is salivating.

"For someone her age to be so successful, and with such a niche commodity too, it's remarkable." Ana? Young? Yes, I guess she is but I was just under my first billion at her age so I guess we're just that amazing. Damn, I think, swigging back another shot, our kids are going to be fucking genius models.

"Heard she's working with Liam Halen now too. That's quite a first year for her."

"Yes, it is. She's brilliant at what she does. Her success doesn't surprise me in the least." Pesco Senior nods slowly, watching me carefully and nodding in agreement to my praise.

"Watch that one, Grey. Halen is not a fan of yours." The scotch burns my throat in a way that I need right now and I raise my empty tumbler so that the waitress knows to bring me another glass. At $75 a pop, I expect it to keep me from killing anyone here tonight.


When I get home the fireplace is lit and since it's August, I know Ana's the one that lit it so I know she's home. It has been a daily struggle to not follow up on her every movement with Sawyer but I don't because I won't do anything that could damage the trust she's handed to me. There are some things I won't back down on but on this request, I can acquiesce.

"Hey!" She says, surprised at my disheveled appearance. I didn't mean to drink so much, in fact, I'm kind of pissed that I let myself go at dinner but Taylor assures me that nobody but him noticed. In my hands are the copies of nine newspapers with her picture on them, front and center.

"Pictures, Ana. I'm so fucking sick of seeing pictures of you that the entire world gets to ogle at." She stops a few feet from me and I notice her outfit for the first time. "Well, hello, Ms. Steele. Wow baby, are you trying to seduce me?"

Her tight little body is barely covered in a sheer white camisole that barely covers her ass. If there wasn't black lace at the top holding her perky breasts in I'd think she was trying to kill me. After seeing her in that white gown, every time I see white I automatically think of our wedding.

"That was kind of the plan." She giggles and then reaches for my waist, pulling me into the great room where she's got two glasses of red wine out next to a bunch of blankets, spread on the floor in front of the fire. "I think we should skip this." She says, picking up the glasses and placing them on the breakfast bar.

"I'm good!" I proclaim, ready to argue further but then she walks towards me slowly, each leg crossing sexily over the other until she's inches from my face. Her mouth finds mine and her tongue pushes in, licking against my own before she sucks on it.

"Whiskey if I'm not mistaken. Or scotch. I think mixing the two with wine might not be the best idea. Plus, I wouldn't want you so drunk that you couldn't fuck me later." I throw my head back and laugh.

"Baby, that is never going to be a problem." And to prove my point I unzip my suit pants and pull out my dick, hard and long and clearly unaffected by alcohol. She giggles again and I grow a little more. Damn what she does to me is just not natural. "What's this all about anyway?"

"I got you something and I wanted to give it to you." With a sly grin I unzip my pants again but she laughs and stops me, pulling me down to the blankets. "You've already given me that multiple times and while I love that particular gift, I want to give you something."

She tucks her smooth legs underneath her, all prim and proper and reaches for a box tied with a red satin ribbon. Oh the possibilities…

"I know you don't like the pictures that came out today of our time in Africa and I know the pictures Jared has on his site piss you off and you've also made comments about how you don't like how everyone can see me now because of the paparazzi photos. So, I thought maybe you could take some on your own. Just for you. A private collection if you will."

My fingers pull open the ribbon and I stash it under the corner of the white down beneath me. If things go my way tonight, I'll be using it later. In the box is a Pentax 645D camera and a large zoom lens. I'm truly surprised and not just by the gift. She's taking something that has given me a lot of grief over the last few weeks and is turning it into something I can enjoy. And enjoy it I will.

"Private photos?" She nods and bites her lip. "Of whatever I want?" She smiles shyly and looks down at her hands, knotting in her lap.

"Well, almost anything." Her face snaps to mine and she straightens to a kneel. "You would never use these to humiliate me or show them to anyone no matter what happens. Like with the photos you had of your subs."

"Are you seriously asking me that? First of all, we'll be together forever and never will I be alright with someone seeing you in any sexual way. And second of all, if we were ever to break up, I'd still never want anyone to see you like that. You, sexual, sensual…that's all for me."

"I know." She breathes and then she kisses me softly, pulling away when I lean in for more.

"Thank you, baby. When can we do this?" In my head I've got a hundred different poses I want and visions I'd like to catch on film for eternity.

"It's kind of late for today and tomorrow we have the wedding but I checked with Andrea and neither of us has anything on the calendar for Saturday." One eyebrow quirks at me and I lift the camera, snapping her just as she is.

"Go get the wine, Anastasia. And walk slowly."


APOV

The husk in his voice brokers no argument and frankly, after the day I've had, I need him like this. There's something about him being in control that makes me somehow feel more in control. One hand washing the other…or something like that.

I hear the clicks of the shutter as I strut and retrieve the wine while a wave of nostalgia hits me. I used to love going with Jose on shoots just because I love the sound of that solid, satisfying click. He was overjoyed to help me research cameras so I know the one we chose is a good one. I miss my friends.

Hungry eyes watch me walk back, the camera all but forgotten as he scans me from head to toe and back up again. When I sit he growls and adjusts himself before taking the crystal goblet from me but as horny as he is, I know he's also touched.

"I don't usually get presents." He murmurs, turning the camera over in his hands and inspecting it, quickly flipping through the few he's already taken. For some reason, even though he states it as fact and holds no emotion to it, that statement makes me so sad for him. Christian Grey is a giver, not a taker and I fear he's been taken advantage of one too many times.

For a few minutes we just sip in silence, both of us lost in our thoughts and mesmerized by the flames. This is a nice way to end the day. Just us, relaxed and together.

I had a stellar session with Dr. Fischer this morning before getting into the office and as usual, she has given me things to think on throughout the day. Again I refused to discuss my mother at first but I was willing to talk about the Hyde attack with great detail and little emotion.

When I spoke with her about my new determination to not allow him or anyone to have control over my emotions she clapped. Actually clapped and then handed me a Tootsie-Pop with a ribbon tied to it that said, 'Congratulations!'. I still have it in my purse.

Once we put that particular life altering event to rest, because I refuse to continue to dwell on it, we focus on my lingering insecurity. If I'm honest, and I strive to be with her, my insecurity is nothing compared to what it was just a few months ago. A lot of that has to do with Christian, some of it has to do with the success of my professional career, some of it has to do with my trip to Africa. But most of my progress has been made because I finally took ownership of my emotions and cut out the parasite that is my mother.

"It all comes full circle, Anastasia. Until we talk about your mom, until you face that demon, you will do nothing but run around like a dog chasing his tail. It's time. You're ready for it so I'm going to push you." But she didn't need to because the minute I started talking, my thoughts, jumbled and rambling, fell from my brain onto the tablet in front of her. With each sentence she nodded and then waited for more until I felt a calm I'd never experienced before.

"I'm going to take these notes and digest them until I can organize them for you. We'll go over this in detail next week but this is a fantastic start." And then I really entrusted her with my vulnerability.

"Do you think I'll be like my mom?" Because isn't that the way it works? She slipped her pen behind her ear, folded her hands in her lap and slowly shook her head.

"I have no doubt that you will make a fantastic mother. Repeating your mom's mistakes is a choice and not one I think you'll ever make. But you need to stop fearing that. Sometimes, what we fear the most is what we become. We focus on it so much that it consumes us. That is why we need to sift through this and then let it go."

For years, my entire life really, I've strived to gain her approval. Hell, I'd have been happy just getting her attention but nothing I did, good, bad or indifferent ever made a difference. So somehow, in my adolescence I turned her rejection inwards and began to think that maybe it was me. She had friends and no short supply of men so clearly the problem wasn't her. So it had to be me, right?

Clearly my own mother didn't want me. The one person in the entire world who was supposed to love me and cherish me and want me and she didn't. Her rejection, her dismissal of my affection fostered a feeling of being unworthy.

And without realizing it I had held onto that, had buried that deep into my psyche and had allowed that to infiltrate every area of my life. I held back on friendships because surely nobody would want to be friends with me. I held back on dating because why would a guy want to be with me? I held back in business because the idea of failing and validating her opinion of me as failure was terrifying.

But then something really crazy happened. I made friends on my own at college who, despite not being the funniest or the prettiest or the richest, liked me. Me. And then I made the bold decision to start a business and I did it even when she laughed over the phone and told me that there was no money in translation. And then, building on the small successes I'd had up to that point, I began to set goals for myself and one by one I checked them off.

I became a Pilates instructor. I ran a half marathon. I started learning Arabic, a language that eluded me every time I had tried it before. I went out with a boy a few times and then...then I met a man who has always made me feel wanted, always made me feel special, always wanted to hear what I had to say and do what I wanted to do.

And I fell in love and allowed myself to believe him even if I didn't believe it myself. My absolute trust in him demands that I take what he says as truth. I'm beautiful because he says I am. I'm funny because he laughs with me. I'm sexy because he tells me I am. He accepted me for all of my flaws, all of the dings in my past and the stupid crazy that is my family and he loved me, all parts of me, in spite of it.

It's only fair that I return the favor. The next step for me, for us really, is obvious and one I truly feel ready for. I know it will make Christian happy but I'm still nervous to bring it up so I wait patiently until the moment feels right.

I've never seen him like this, tipsy, slightly slurring his speech, heavy lidded eyes from the relaxation only alcohol can give you, lazy movements that amuse and turn me on. He interrupts me in my thoughts, pulling my face to his with one finger under my chin.

"I want to play the five question game." He says, that deep baritone of his voice moving over me like sexual silk. His tongue slides across my lips and then up the shell of my left ear, leaving me with a well placed flick on my diamond studded lobe. "And then I want to fuck you."

"OK." I somehow manage to pant without begging him to do me right now instead. God, he's turning me into a slut. I chuckle to myself. Christian Grey's personal little slut. I love it.

"I'll go first, set the tone." He drains his glass and stands to get the bottle I've placed on the coffee table a few feet away. When he sits back down he tops me off and then lifts one knee, holding the goblet by the top and dangling it carelessly from his hand so that he's leaning like Michelangelo's 'The Creation of Adam'. So. Freaking. Hot.

"What's your favorite position for fucking?" And we're off.

"Um…" I can feel the blush spreading over my face. "Well…I like it all but I prefer to be on my back with you above me." His brows rise in surprise.

"Interesting since your most powerful orgasms seem to be when I'm behind you." Blush? Fuck that, I'm red as a tomato now.

"Oh, well, yes. I like that too but I like to see your face. You are really beautiful you know." Now I want to know. "What's yours?" He smirks and shakes his head slowly.

"I thought the rules were that you couldn't ask the other person the same question." He holds both hands up in surrender. "I mean, it's your game and all but I am a rule follower."

"Oh yea right! Since when?" I tease and he laughs.

"But since we're doing this," he indicates my outfit and traces my bare left shoulder with his pointer finger, "I'll bend the rules for tonight. My favorite position. I like you on your back. I like to see your face, I like to watch your breasts bounce and your nipples pebble as you approach your orgasm. I like being able to see your pussy spread open for me. But let's be honest here, I like it all. Equally. But if I had to choose, I'd take you on your back."

"Now," he runs one long finger over the seam of his lips and smiles slyly. "What don't you like?"

"What don't I like? God, I don't know. Give me a minute." Is there anything I don't like about our sex life? Not yet there's not. He's so good at everything but hell if I'm going to tell him that with him acting like he's already a work of art and god's gift to women. Well, he is and...he just is.

"If I have to pick, the only thing I've not liked is that night after you told your parents and we came home from dinner. You know, the time"

"Yes, I remember. Not my best moment." He cuts me off and keeps his eyes shut. "I should have bought you diamonds to apologize for that, that's what my father always did when he'd piss off my mom." I laugh.

"I didn't want diamonds, I wanted a conversation, an apology and understanding. I got those, we're good, no diamond needed." This is not a topic I want to rehash so I hurry on, keeping on the topic of sex since I know it'll keep him talking.

"Is there something you want to do that we haven't yet?" He laughs, a full blown belly laugh that spreads to me after a minute. I don't want to laugh but I can't help it.

"Oh baby, there are about a million things I want to do with you that we haven't done yet." I need to watch some porn so I know what else there is. I am way out of my league with him. When he catches his breath he stands and disappears without a word, coming back a minute later with a new bottle of red and a corkscrew.

"Have you masturbated since I showed you how?" Oh my god. Oh my god.

"No. I haven't needed to. For goodness sake, I haven't even been alone since then!"

"Why are you blushing, Ana?"

"I'm not." He throws his head back on a snort and rolls his eyes.

"OK, you're not." He sits Indian style and drinks his wine as if it were a beer with big glugs instead of his usual graceful sips. This should be interesting in an hour or so.

"What is your ultimate fantasy?" He looks at me with an intensity I was not expecting and leans forward, just slightly but enough so that I can smell that signature scent of his.

"You're not ready to hear my ultimate fantasy, Anastasia." Now he's got me curious and afraid. What if he wants something I'm not willing to do? Will he be disappointed? Go elsewhere? Get bored?

"The rules state that you must answer and you did say you were a rule follower." His head tosses back again, that out of control hair of his just begging for me to pull it.

"You want to know my ultimate fantasy? You sure?" Am I? He seems almost pissed and I'm not sure if it's the alcohol or what but he's got me second guessing myself.

"Yes." So slowly that I can feel his body heat get closer and closer, he leans in until his lips are just next to my ear. His voice is not quite a growl, not quite a whisper but it is totally honest.

"My ultimate fantasy is to take you out of your wedding dress and make love to you as my wife. You, are my ultimate fantasy." Holy mother of pearl my heart just skipped.

"I don't know what to say."

He huffs and smiles. "You better say 'Yes, Christian. That will happen, Christian. I can't wait, Christian'." So I do. I repeat verbatim into his ear which I'm now licking and teasing the same way he did to me.

His phone dings then, breaking the intensity of the mood so he pulls it out of his suit pocket, turns it off and slides it under the couch. At first I'm not sure but then I see it, the slow creep of a blush up his neck and onto his cheeks. When he sits up, legs straight out in front of him I know he's anxious about whatever he wants to say.

"Was it ok? Your first time? Was it what you thought it would be? I know women have these...fantasies about it...I wanted to know if it lived up to yours." Be still my heart. Oh my god how I love this man.

"It was perfect. Absolutely, without question perfect." And then Christian Grey, of billionaire bad-boy status, gets all bashful.

"I…um…I'm really happy to hear that." Have to kiss him. Now. His arms catch me and his legs flatten beneath me so that I can straddle him and pull him against me.

"Did" kiss "you" kiss "really" kiss "stress" kiss "out about it?" One of his hands flies to the back of his neck and rubs while his gaze finds a piece of carpet that fascinates him.

"Yeah, I did. I just…always want you to feel cherished and that was the first time I could really show you how I felt about you."

"I felt it. I knew you loved me before you ever said the words." He's satisfied by this answer enough so that I can feel him relax underneath me. He leans back onto his forearms and smiles sweetly, his Armani dress shirt unbuttoned just enough so that a small bit of chest hair peeks out. His eyes are slightly glazed from the effects of alcohol and his lips are just barely stained red from the wine.

"This is fun." He says and I swear he almost hiccups. "You got two more and then I'm taking you on this rug right here in front of a roaring fire in the middle of August."

"Do you miss it? Your old lifestyle? And before you answer, it is so important to me that you're honest." He puffs out a breath and runs his hands over his head a few times before reaching for mine.

"Total honesty right?" I nod once. "I do. I miss the control, the power, the dominance, the kink. I'm happy with what we have and if we never did anything kinky again I'd be fine. More than fine but I do want to experience those things with you. Not the punishments or the pain, that I can truthfully say I don't miss but the rest of it? Yes, I do."

"Your last question, Ms. Steele and it's a doozy that I will hold you to. Tomorrow, at the wedding, will you let me fuck you in a closet?" I almost spit wine everywhere, catching myself at the last second. He's quite pleased with himself and just sits there, motionless and amused.

"A closet?"

"Or bathroom or vacant room. I don't really care as long as we can fit and I can bend you over." He's dead serious.

"Oh my, Mr. Grey. That sounds really scandalous but I think we can manage a little alone time."

"I'm holding you to it, baby. Don't think for one second that I'm too drunk to remember this because I can assure you, a promise to fuck you will never be forgotten. Now, you've got one more and I can't wait to get inside you so hurry up. I've got a hard on that's starting to get angry with me."

"OK, one more." Deep breath, Ana, you can do this. "Will you take me into the playroom?" His entire body freezes including the breath he had been in the middle of taking.

"The playroom? You want to go in the playroom?" Underneath me I can feel how much he likes this new bit of news. When his stare settles on my mouth I release the lip I didn't know I was biting and move back a few inches on his lap so that he can sit up and look at me at eye level.

"I do. I've been curious for a while but, and I'm just going to be brutally honest here, the whole hitting equates to abuse thing just kept me at bay. But recently I've begun to think differently, more openly about the whole BDSM thing and Dr. Fischer has been very involved in trying to open my eyes to the reality of that lifestyle instead of my preconceived notion of it."

Even though I've given him the room to sit up he doesn't, opting to stay leaned back with a heated but guarded gaze.

"Ana, before I answer you or even talk to you about this, I need you to tell me the god's honest truth as to your reason for wanting to go in there." His heartbeat is steady, I can see it in the hollow of his throat and it takes considerable will power not to kiss it but I don't. Instead I open myself up. I trust him with my honest insecurities and my honest sexual exploration and I hope to god that I've made the right decision in doing so.

"There are a few reasons. I'll start with the harder ones, ok?" He nods and waits. "I hate, absolutely hate that there is this entire part of you that those women had that I haven't had. I hate that. And I also can't help but compare myself to your experiences with them." His mouth opens to say something but I press my finger against his lips and he stops.

"I know you love me, I know you feel like the sex you have with me is the best you've ever had. I believe that, I do. But I also know that you've had some pretty erotic experiences and I want that with you. When you see a picture of some chick all tied up, I want it to be me that you remember, not one of them. And I know this may sound stupid but I want to see if I can do it." And here's the vulnerable part that I need to say out loud so that he understands.

"I'm not a submissive person, that much we agree on."

"Do we ever." We both chuckle and he sits up quickly, kisses me and then leans back again.

"But when we're in bed, I like when you're in control. I like when you…oh god…dominate me." That sexy as fuck grin turns into a full on panty dropping smile and I grind down on him, watching with satisfaction when his breath catches and his neck falls back. "Don't try to distract me with your good looks and 'I own you' smile!"

"What? It's my face! What do you want me to do about it?"

"I don't know, look ugly or something." He makes a face and even his 'ugly' face is gorgeous. "Oh forget it, just let me get through this."

He scoffs and smiles big, "I didn't stop you, you stopped you. I want to hear what you have to say. So continue, you were at the part where you were telling me that you liked being submissive to me in bed." His chin drops to his chest and he gives me a shit eating grin. "Which, by the way, I could have told you after our third time together."

"Oooookay. I'm glad I'm so easy to read." He shrugs and waits. "Anyway, so there's those things. And then there's this part of me that wants to know every single thing about you. I want to crawl into your head and understand every little nuance of your personality. What you like, what you don't like, what makes you tick, what makes you…you. And this was a big part of your life that's a big unknown to me and it's something I can learn about." He stills again.

"Christian, I never expected you to give it all up for me. I just…can't do the whole…punishment thing. Or pain, I don't want pain." Slow as molasses and sexy as sin he sits straight up and runs his palms over my thighs.

"Anastasia. You don't have a thing to prove to me. Nothing. I want you and if all we ever do is vanilla, I'm fine with that. In a lot of ways, I feel like this is my first sexual relationship because it's so new to me. That other stuff was all I had ever known and by the time you came around, I had started growing restless. It was mechanics and habit but with you, it's like a whole new world."

Those hands on my thighs move higher to my waist and mine move to the buttons on his shirt until he's shirtless, the flames from the fire flicking shadows that accentuate every groove of every hard muscle.

"I would love to get you in there. Love it. But not because you want to compare yourself to anybody." His hand wraps around the back of my head and pulls my face to his, brushing his lips over mine and whispering, "Because there is no comparison."

I can't help it, my hips grind down and find that thick length of hardness and like a woman on the edge I gasp his name. Even fully clothed he hits me in all the right spots. In an instant I'm flipped onto my back and my pretty white panties are being tossed carelessly over his head. Somehow his pants are unbuttoned and unzipped so I hook my toes into the waistband and push down, assisted by him only when he kicks the offending fabric from his feet.

"You know, I've never fucked drunk." He growls, sliding that silky hardness over my slit in torturous glides. I need him to fill me up right now. I need to feel him want me from the inside out but he's in the fucking mood to talk.

"Never?"

"Nope." He pops the 'p' and smiles at me, sliding that thick cock over me until I'm weeping and practically begging him. "Not even once. Couldn't. At first because I had no choice, it was a rule. And then because I had to be in complete control." And then, praise be to god, he presses against my opening and just when I think he's going to push in, he stops and moves his hips in small strokes so that just the first two inches of him are inside me. I'm going to die of desire or heat, one or the other.

"Christian, please…I need…"

"I know what you need, Anastasia. I always do. I always will. You need me like I need you and that's never going to change." Another inch and then another before he withdraws and starts the slow burn all over again, this time with my legs bent in the crook of his arms. Part of me hates him right now.

"You know that too, don't you? Me and you? We were made for each other. Our bodies knew it before our hearts did. Remember that first hand shake? The way the electricity sparked between us?"

"Yes." I gasp and try to push down on him but I can't move. He's got every inch of his body focused on keeping me open and immobile. Not to mention I have no leverage since my ankles are both straight up in the air and about three feet apart.

"That was our souls talking." Back in, just slightly. My eyes begin to water with frustrated tears but I want to hear what he has to say and I know, just know that once he really starts to fuck, there will be no more talking. "I swear to Christ, Ana. You were mine right then."

Above his lip is a fine sheen of sweat and when I move my hands to his back I can feel it there too along with a slight tremble. He's about to lose control. I wish he'd hurry up because I've already lost it.

"The idea of getting to love you forever…of putting my baby in your belly…of sharing my life with you…I want that. I've been patient, baby but I'm not good with waiting." And with that he slams into me with such force that my back burns from the carpet. "You should know that."

And just as I predicted, he's quiet except for the grunts and groans of his pleasure as he takes from my body what he so wants from my heart. My total and utter acceptance of him. What he doesn't know is that he's already got that. I accept him for what he was, what he's done, who he was and who he is. I'm already there and just as I'm about to tell him, he reaches between us and presses his palm against me and I lose all thoughts to the onslaught of pleasure that steals my breath and my vision.

"Fuck! So good, Ana! Let it go, baby, come for me, grip me tight and let me feel you." When I can hold back no longer I grab my own breasts, much to his delight, and cry out, my entire body lifting off of the floor with the release of pressure.

Just as I come down his right hand lifts and smacks my ass hard, lifting my hips up to meet his as he rises to his knees. Faster than he's ever fucked me before he moves. All I can do is hold onto his forearms and enjoy the ride and when his eyes roll backwards and his mouth falls open I steel myself for the final harsh thrust and feel him spill himself deep.

When he comes back to earth he doesn't fall on me like he usually does. Instead he pulls out of me and watches as his seed spills out, a satisfied smirk playing across his perfect, sweaty face.

"I love that." Absently he reaches behind him and pulls the camera to his eye and for a split second I almost freak out at the prospect of him taking a picture of me down there but the lens focuses on my face and he snaps it. "You're always beautiful, Ana but when you're like this, satisfied, hair everywhere, make up smeared, that just fucked flush across your cheeks, you're outrageously hot."


"You're pretty good at drunk sex." I say to him later, after we've showered and made love one more time under 1500 count white Egyptian cotton sheets.

"You weren't so bad yourself." It's late, too late for us to be talking or lying here naked but I love this time. When my head is on his shoulder and his hands idly soothe over my back and hair. He's young and vibrant and him in these moments and I'm the luckiest girl in the world because nobody has ever had this with him. Just me.

"Why are you getting up so early tomorrow?"

"I've got an 8am appointment with Dr. Brodsky to get my Depo shot and Sawyer and I are going for a run first." His fingers stop and so does his breathing but it's so slight I shrug it off.

"And that's good for three months, right?"

"Yup. No pills, no condoms, no babies." The hand in my hair rolls my head towards his lips for a quick kiss.

"What time am I meeting you at the Shilshole?"

"Five. And I still maintain that that is the single worst name in history for a banquet hall." He grunts and lets his hand drop, his tell for being ready to sleep.

"And you're sure I don't need to wear a tux?"

"Mmmhmm." He yawns and stretches, turning me onto my side so that he can spoon right behind me.

"I don't need to tell you that you're not dancing with any men other than me, right?"

"Christian, what have we talked about?"

"Shit." He says and it's so sleepy and so cute that I decide to let it go. "Sorry. You can dance with Devin and his boyfriend too. But that's it."

You know what? I call that progress.


Authors note: FIFTY chapters! Thank you all for taking this ride with me, you've made it a great experience and I appreciate everyone who has followed and favorited S&S and also those of you who check in to see if there's been a new chapter posted. Thank you for taking the time to read! A picture of the lingerie is on the pinterest page and that link can be found on my profile page. Thanks again!