A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show The Real World. This is purely for humor and is not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'

Young Casanova

Carl comes into the house after an awkward attempt at courting Sophia. He'd managed to separate her from the rest of the baby militia, that was Lizzie and Mika, but the sisters were starring him down as he tried his hardest to have a conversation with the leader of their squad.

Carl's confessional. "I figured I needed some help on what I'm supposed to do to get a girl interested in me. My first thought was to ask Michonne but my dad screwed up again and kicked her and Andrea out of the house. So I went to the next best person, Abraham."

"Hey Abraham how do you get a girl to like you?"

"You see how big and strong I am? Ladies love that. They especially love when your physically strong yet sensitive. I let Glenn punch me down to the ground once, you gotta be strong enough to protect your lady, but fragile in a way that she think she can protect you too. It drives her hormones crazy."

"So I have to work out?"

"And you gotta dress the part. Why you think I wear army pants? I aint hiding from beep, camouflage can't mask ya from walkers, no... I'm attracting women. Have them wondering why I'm wearing army pants, I tell them I was in the army, a Sargent, and there like "Ooooooh I need a big strong man to protect me." Abraham finishes in a feminine accent.

Abraham and Carl disperse with mutual head nods of understanding. The redhead had to get back to sorting through his M16s. Carl jumps as Merle is suddenly in his face.

"I over heard your conversation wif ol' Sargent cranberry and I'm here to help you get some easy cooter."

"Cooter?"

"-I can't cuss around you boy."

"Does that have something to do with whatever you and Andrea use to do at night? When you thought I was sleeping?"

"Well now you know half the story-and don't bring up that tramp's name ever again."

"So what did you do to make girls like you?"

"Well first you need some money, five dollars, fifty dollars, maybe even a hundred. You go out to a street corner. They'll ask ya if you want a good time, and give you a list of options. Then you pick and choose based on how much money you got. Then you take her home, have some fun then bring her back to the corner...or her pimp. That's how ol' Merle used to get the cooter."

"What if I don't have any money?"

"Well I can tell ya ta never write an IOU. I did that once, her pimp sent some people after meh, threaten to break meh foot. One time they even kidnapped Daryl... I saw him on the corner once painted up like a girl, he didn't wanna talk about it."

Carl leaves Merle then runs into Joe outside barking at the swimming pool on all fours.

"What are you doing?" Carl asks the mangy old man.

"There's a bastard in the water and he's pissing me off, old mutt." Joe mumbles.

"That's your reflection." Carl replies to an apparently offended Joe.

"I'm a wolf-I don't look like no old man. Whenever I try to claim the water he does it the same time as me. The scum!"

Carl shrugs. "Do you have any advice about girls? How to get them?"

"One word, persistence. First you find your target then you follow her where ever she goes, don't let her know you following her, and when you get close enough you go in for the kill."

The boy shakes his head. "I don't know about that."

"The kill is metaphorical. It means you just pounce on her and make sure she don't headbutt ya."

Rick's been in his room crying for the past few days since he kicked Michonne out. He only leaves the room to get food and even then he's eyes are practically falling out of there sockets. He's heading back to his room when Abraham and the Dixon brothers run into him.

The leader starts to yell at the three men, well, he wails. "Usually when I make stupid decisions there's always somebody around to talk me out of it. Andrea did this to me on purpose. She got me alone, got me fired up- she know I'm easily angered. She rigged it so that Michonne would come in the moment I looked like the bad person. I want a redo."

"You don't get redos. As a leader you gotta stand by yo decisions." Daryl enlightens.

"I don't wanna stand by this decision. It was a really bad one this time. I played right into Andrea's evil devil mind and now Michonne and I aren't together any more. And I'm missing half my group. All the damn women are gone."

"Damn right all the women are gone! How you gonna throw out essential members of the team? We supposed to stick together like wet on water." The redheaded male enforces.

Rick points out Rosita who's filming them as she's posing behind her camera. "Why is Rosita still here?"

Rosita sets a hand on her hip. "I work for the boss. You have no say in whether I stay in the house or not." Abraham smiles at his girl.

"I know where Andrea and Michonne are held up, I could take you there, maybe you can apologize." Daryl advises.

Rick shakes his head and heads back upstairs loudly blowing his noise into a tissue. A second or two later they hear his bedroom room slam shut and loud crying afterwards.

Carl comes up to Daryl in the living room, as the hunter is closely examining his crossbow. "Daryl can you help me pick up a chick?"

"First you gotta cup your hands around dem, then you pick em up. You gotta be gentle with em, there all yellow and tiny."

"What?"

"A chick. A chicken right?"

"No a girl."

"Ohhh well that's easy, much easier then picking up a chicken. First you gotta pretend you gay, then asexual, and when they least expect it, you kiss em. They'll be so confused that they'll go along with it. Tell me Carl what chew think my sexual orientation is?"

"I don't know."

"That's the trick. you gotta keep em guessing. That way you're always on their mind."

Daryl's confessional. "Its a damn sausage fest in the house since Rick kicked all the estrogen out. I feel like when I turn around I'm gonna get poked by something I don't wanna be poked by. Feel like I'm sticking my fingers in a tooth pick box instead of cotton balls, or a clam, or just a plain hole...but guys got a hole too-but I don't want that hole...I think. Man why I gotta be questioning this again?"

Glenn looks at Daryl from behind his camera and decides he's finished filming. "Ok we're done here."

"Kiss me Glenn! I needa know."

"Security!" Glenn shouts.

Merle approaches Carl who's sitting alone trying to decipher all the information he'd collected throughout the evening. "Alright I'm gon' teach you about what to do when you git her. Since there aint no more porn ima simulate what you gonna do with my hands...ah wait, Darrrrylll!"

Daryl comes strolling along. "What chew want?"

"I'm making a simulation for Carl, I need you to be the other hand. This is how he gon' handle his business in the bedroom."

"Alright cool I'll be the girl." Daryl says.

"Now Carl, when you with a girl, you two gonna pork. One pump is fine, two pumps are risky, but three pumps are a death sentence. Ya end up with a bratty kid."

Daryl puts a sock over his hand then helps Merle with his sock for the impromptu puppet show. Daryl makes his puppet talk. "Hey there I'm Daisey."

"Hi Daisey wanna make out?"

"No! You a nasty, classless, unsophisticated pig. How dare you try to grace the lips of Daisey." He says in a girl's playful posh accent.

"Durrel you're not supposed to be making this difficult, she supposed to be easy." Merle says in aggravation.

"Daisey aint easy. Ya gotta work if you want..." Daryl strokes his puppet hand "...all this."

"Daryl!" Merle screams.

"Beep you." The younger brother flashes his long pretend hair and shimmies his chest a little.

In an act of frustration Merle grabs Daryl's sock puppet as his brother screams in a high pitched tone. "Help me, oh somebody help-call the police. I thought you weren't like this Merle, I thought you could wait!"

"Dammit Daryl, cut it out!"

"You never loved me, you only want me for my body. You're just like all of the other men!" Daryl pulls his hand back and pets it.

"Don't worry Daisey, he wont be hurtin' you no more... I'll take care of you-" Daryl says to his hand puppet switching from playing female to cock blocking his brother.

"You and your childhood trauma is messin' up the demonstration!" Merle shoves Daryl who looks at his sock puppet and decides smother Merle's face with it.

"You like that, huh, you horny bastard!" The younger brother retaliates.

Merle slaps the hand away from his face as Daryl looks on in shock. "You... you hit her."

"I couldn't breath-"

"She's smaller than you and you hurt her!" Daryl cries.

"That was your damn hand-look, I didn't even hit you that hard, you barely got a bruise!" Merle shouted before pulling Daryl's sock off of his hand.

"Ahhhhhh, my clothes, oh my god you monster-DON'T LOOK AT ME!" Daryl reforms back into his sock puppet lady and tucks his hand under his shirt before running away from a frightened Carl and Merle.

"Daryl/Daisey lets just talk about this." Merle runs after his brother and the hidden hand puppet.

"Noooooo! I want a divorce." Daryl screams in Daisey's voice.

Carl sighs and rubs his temples in a similar fashion to his father. "I hate this beeping house."

Not getting a good feeling from the men in the house. Carl makes a trip down the street to see someone he knows can help him. Knocking on Michonne and Andrea's door, Andrea answers. Carl unburdens his trouble onto the blonde who jumps at the chance to try and help him.

"You gotta have something interesting about you like a kink."

"What's a kink?"

Andrea is about to speak but then she stops, "nevermind. MESSSHHH!"

Michonne comes running down the stairs in a hurry pulling out her Katana, already in attack mode. "Carl? Andrea what did you do to him?"

"Nothing! After my exorcism I told you ima better person now." Andrea defends.

Michonne nods her head and sheaths her katana. "Carl what's going on? How are you?"

"I need help getting Sophia to like me. What can I do?"

"Smile at her."

"That's it?"

"That's it. Carl you're an amazing kid, all you have to do is be yourself. You'll smile and talk to her about her day, ask her about her likes. Allow her to get to know who you are as a person."

"But I don't even know who I am anymore."

Andrea shoots up from her seat and starts to shove the boy out the door. "Ok you got your advice now get out, bye bye." she swings the door shut behind him.

"Andrea!" Michonne yells.

"I said I was better not cured. I was holding back a lot of traumatizing beep to say to that kid."

Later on in the day Carl is outside the house when he sees Sophia coming towards him. "Hey Carl. Sorry about this morning, Lizzie and Mika get bored when we're behind schedule. You got your gun on you? I brought mine like you asked."

"Yea." Carl smiles and hands Sophia a silencer. "Here, lets go kill some walkers."

"Cool. Thank god I've got some time off before we need to drag Joe out of the house."

"Joe's leaving the house?"

"Yea he's a trespasser he's not supposed to be in the house in the first place."

Carl and Sophia walk off as Rick is watching from the window with a proud tear in his eyes. "My love had to die so that his could flourish."