Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.

A/N: Can't believe I went this many chapters without referencing this franchise. You don't really need to have played the games to get any of the jokes. Just sit back and laugh.

And I made Kunikida the main character in this. Why you ask? BECAUSE AN AUTHOR DOESN'T ABANDON EVEN THE MOST MINOR CHARACTERS.

And I ,the narrator, am sort of in this as well. Not as a self-insert so don't hit the back button just yet. I'm just the text in bold.

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Resident Haruhi: Outbreak:

Summer, 1998...

Kunikida walked through the entrance to J's Bar with a smile on his face. It had been a hard at the police station and now he could sit back and unwind. He sat down at his usual seat at the front and waited for his drink. Suddenly, his drink was placed in front of him by the smiling bar maid.

"Have a good Friday, Kunikida?" Mikuru asked in her regular warm tone of voice.

"It was all right, Asahina," replied Kunikida, while he adjusted his badge. "Where's your boss?"

"Oh, you mean, Bob? He's in the back, checking inventory. What's been going on at the station?"

"We've been getting some really weird reports lately. Stuff about people going crazy and weird things in the forest at night."

"Weird things, huh?" said an energetic voice from behind. "Sounds like my next big scoop! Care to share any names for the local paper, Kunikida?"

Turning around Kunikida saw that the voice belonged to none other than Haruhi Suzumiya dressed in a red business outfit. Ever since she'd graduated, she'd become Japan's top journalist. Seeking out the truth was her passion and now she'd managed to make a great living out of it.

"Well, I'm supposed to keep whatever goes on at the station a secret..." mumbled Kunikida as Haruhi's eyes drilled into him.

"Oh, lay off him, Suzumiya," barked a voice from the opposite end of the bar. "He's just trying to chill."

"Yeah, Haruhi. Go pick on someone your own size," drawled another. The voices belonged to Taniguchi and Kyon respectively. Taniguchi wore a smirk on his lips, while Kyon glowered at his nosy girlfriend.

Haruhi growled and faced the two observers. "I'm not bothering him! I was just asking about his day! Mikuru did! That's not a crime! Right, Kunikida?"

"I don't think so..." Kunikida whispered, staring into his drink. There was a loud mocking laugh from the booths. The laugh belonged to a rather nasty-looking male with dirty blonde hair.

Kyon grimaced. "Hello, Fujiwara."

"Kyon. Lovely Friday, huh?" smiled the time-traveler.

"I suppose."

"Still working as a security guard, I see."

"I'm working my way up. And why... why are you dressed like a plumber?"

"I believe that question falls under the category of nunya."

"Nunya?"

"Nunya business. And where is my drink?"

"Here you are, sir..." Mikuru said with a hint of loathing as she brought up a glass of scotch for her foe. Fujiwara stared at her for a bit before snatching his drink off the serving tray. He gave it a once-over, then proceeded to down it in two seconds.

"Delicious. The service is good around here," Fujiwara grinned, sending chills up Mikuru's spine. She nodded in thanks before dashing back behind the counter in fear.

The citizens of Kyoto read in the papers about the recent string of bizarre incidents. Campers and hikers had been mauled on the outskirts of the city. An apparent cannibal cult had been rumored to dwell deep within the local forests. Mutilated animal carcasses had been found here and there. The reports of missing people had also increased recently.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked around.

"Did you guys hear that?" asked Haruhi, glancing around the room.

"Yeah," said Kyon. "It sounded like a voice-over."

The room fell into an uneasy silence.

"Ummm..." Mikuru tried to think of a way to jumpstart a conversation. "How was the sub-way today, Taniguchi?"

"Pretty quiet today, Asahina. Not a lot of riders. Everyone seems pretty uneasy lately. Come to think of it, have you noticed anything wrong with the animals? I haven't seen any dogs on the streets. And there seems to be plenty of rats and crows running around now," remarked Taniguchi.

"Ick, rats" frowned Haruhi. "And I HATE crows. It's like they're always trying to pick out which part of you they'll eat first when they stare at you."

Suddenly, the bar door opened, and in strolled Yuki and Itsuki. Itsuki was wearing a doctor's coat and held a bag filled with folders in one hand. Yuki was dressed in a green jacket and casual clothes, with a backpack slung over her shoulder. They wandered over to a nearby booth and sat down together. Fujiwara grumbled and started to read the menu.

"Hey there, doc!" cheered Haruhi, dashing over to the pair and slinging an arm over Itsuki's shoulder. "Save any lives today?"

"Hello, Suzumiya!" Itsuki responded with equal cheer. "Nothing remarkable today. Though it seems there's this new illness going around."

Yuki nodded in agreement. "Indeed. I've noticed many odd-looking people ambling about the university I attend. I've spoken with the professors who work there, but even they are confused."

"How is college, Nagato?" asked Kyon, wanting to shift the subject to something less dreary.

"Fine, Kyon. I've helped teach a few classes and decided I might pursue a career in teaching," said Yuki.

"I think you'd make wonderful teacher, Nagato!" beamed Mikuru, coming towards her friends with some drinks. "What's the name of that professor you're working with? The foreigner?"

"Greg Mueller. He's very dedicated to his work," murmured Yuki. "Speaking of which-"

Then came the wild reports that the Kyoto Police Department's S.T.A.R.S team had destroyed a mansion where the powerful pharmaceutical corporation, Umbrella, had conducted illegal biological experiments on unwilling test subjects. Also rumored was that they had created and accidently unleashed a virus that could revive the dead as flesh-eating monsters. Naturally, the local law enforcement and Umbrella executives discounted the records as slander and mass hallucinations.

Everyone froze. Yuki and Itsuki looked around for the source of the voice.

"The hell was that?" said Fujiwara, staring up at the ceiling.

"Did... Did that voice just say something about zombies?" asked a very nervous Taniguchi. Suddenly, everyone turned to look at Kunikida. The brown-haired boy blinked in surprise at the sudden attention he was receiving.

"What's everyone looking at?" he asked.

"Didn't you say that you guys are looking into weird stuff going on in the woods?" asked Kyon with a hint of dread in his voice.

"Yeah," said Kunikida, "But all of that's supposed to be confidential!"

However...

"Okay, whoever's doing that had better show themselves right now! You better come out or I'll drag you out of hiding!" threatened Haruhi. Instead of a confession, the voice spoke again in a foreboding tone.

A few months have passed, and strange events have begun to occur once more in the peaceful city of Kyoto. News and local gossip detail encounters of sickly citizens and odd behavior in animals. People have begun to disappear on a regular basis. As these tales grow even more curious, the citizens go on about their daily business in Kyoto. But unfortunately for them, life in the big city is about to get a lot less ordinary.

"A-A-Are we being spied on?" Mikuru asked fearfully.

"How do you know all these things!" shouted Kyon. "Is this some kind of prank or are you trying to warn us about something!"

"I'm sure it's all just a practical joke, Kyon. A biiiig joke. Ha ha ha..." Fujiwara chuckled nervously. He suddenly felt that going outside the bar seemed like a bad decision so he remained in his seat. Unbeknownst to everyone, Yuki slowly began to head towards the shuttered windows near the bar entrance.

Itsuki stroked his chin in deep thought. "Perhaps our mysterious friend knows the whole truth about what's going on with the whole city. Maybe..."

The esper stood up from his chair and made his way into the center of the room. Everyone stared in amazement as Itsuki looked towards the ceiling and cupped his hands over the sides of his mouth. By this time, Yuki had reached the windows and was now peering through the blinds.

"Excuse me, sir!" Itsuki shouted. "Could you tell us more? What did you mean by a virus that raises the dead?"

Kyon shook his head. "Do you really think that's going to-"

After a hard day of working, eight local residents, who are all connected to one another, have gathered at a small tavern called J's Bar in the center of Kyoto to relax and hang out with each other. However, some unexpected guests are about to arrive shortly, in the mood for cuisine that isn't on tonight's menu.

Upon hearing that statement everyone's blood ran cold. Except for...

"Did you hear that, guys!" said an excited Haruhi. "We're about to meet some -"

"We ALL heard, Haruhi," Kyon said, getting up from his chair quickly. "Now let's get the hell out of here."

Everyone began to rush towards the exit. But before Kyon could escort a protesting Haruhi out the door, he was blocked by Yuki.

"I would not go outside if I were you," warned the lavender-haired genius.

"Why not, Nagato?" Kyon asked, even though he knew the answer.

"There is a mob of approximately seventy-five zombies making their way towards this establishment. I also saw a swarm of at least thirty golden-retriever-sized scissor-worms crawling up the opposite side of the street," Yuki said dully. Mikuru's knees gave out and she landed in Itsuki's grasp. Before anyone could do anything, the voice spoke once again.

And before the night is through, each of these individuals must work together to determine whether they are capable of summoning the courage, will, and intelligence to survive the terror of the T-virus outbreak...

Everyone started yelling several things at once.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!" yelled Kyon.

"KYON!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT?! ZOMBIES!!! I'LL BE FAMOUS IF I CAN GET THIS STORY!!! WHO'S GOT A CAMERA?!?!" yelled Haruhi.

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!" yelled Taniguchi.

"I HATE YOU, MR. VOICE!!! YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL!!!" yelled Fujiwara.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!" yelled Mikuru.

"EVERYONE!!! GRAB A WEAPON AND HEAD TOWARDS THE ROOF!!! KYON AND TANIGUCHI!!! HELP ME BARRICADE THE ENTRANCE!!!" yelled Itsuki.

"Please calm down, everyone," Yuki said nonchalantly as a low moaning began to resonate from outside. It was accompanied by a loud hissing sound as well. Kunikida sighed and went back to his seat. He sat down, finished his drink, checked to see if his gun still had bullets, then reached over the counter.

Looks like that pizza will have to wait... he thought to himself sadly as he began to mix together a few Molotov cocktails. As he went through his pockets for a lighter, the voice continued to ramble on mindlessly above the din.

Resident Haruhi: Outbreak... available this fall at your local Gamers! Pre-order a copy today! Go online and challenge your friends on Network! Catch the fever! And always remember... AIM FOR THE HEAD!!!

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A/N: If this was real, I would so buy it. Though if it were real, people would probably post videos on YouTube of Itsuki getting stabbed by a Hunter, Haruhi getting munched on by a Neptune, or Mikuru getting raped by the Leech Man. XD

I'll do another resident Evil parody in the future as well as a request for ObsidianWarior.

In our next chapter, Kyon really hates the hill his school is on, doesn't he? Well, can he keep his sanity intact when he and the rest of the cast get stuck in...

SILENT HILL!?!?

And if anyone is curious about the characters...

Kunikida- Kevin

Kyon- Mark

Itsuki- George

Taniguchi- Jim

Fujiwara- David

Yuki- Yoko

Haruhi- Alyssa

Mikuru- Cindy

Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!