We're almost there, you guys...were getting close to Chapter 50!

"Time to celebrate!" Penta blew a kazoo and spread confetti everywhere.

"...Save all the hoopla for later, will ya?"


Dear diary,

It's been quite some time ever since Gunther went rogue and abandoned the academy. I remember it like it was yesterday: Isabel was reportedly kidnapped, and he absolutely went berserk. Iseult tried to debunk this rumor, for whatever reason, and she and Gunther got in a huge fight, prompting Gunther to permanently leave the institution.

Following his departure, there's been rumors spreading about how a yellow man with the letter N on his head had captured a bandicoot and took him to his lair. Not much has been reported from that point on.

Do I believe this to be true? Yes, and no. The idea of spreading rumors seems like an asinine thing to do anyways.

Sincerely,

Inez Aires


Chapter 49: Whose Mine Is It Anyway?

After returning to Excalibur for rest and relaxation - and fixing the plumbing in Grantor's mansion - our heroes went to Ruin Hollow, to see if there was an Azalea clone there. After the fire that happened back in Chapter 9, the town was renovated and revitalized.

"This place looks like a dump," remarked Fake Crash. Way to be respectful.

"Keep quiet, man, someone might be listening," warned Crash.

"Someone like who?"

"Ah, Crash Bandicoot, you have returned!" Mayor Kendrick, the mayor of Ruin Hollow, approached Crash and shook his hand. "And I see you have brought along some visitors!"

"Oh yeah, they're helping me in my journey," explained Crash.

"I'm just kidding with ya; I read the prophecy scroll, so I already know who's who."

"Dr. Schatz and his daughter Vivian live here, right?"

"They moved in recently, and I must say, they really like it here. I can show you where they live if you like."


Mayor Kendrick showed our heroes Dr. Schatz's new home - Benjamin Bandicoot's former household.

"Benjamin decided to move to the outskirts of Excalibur, so he could become 'acclimated' with a change of scenery," explained Kendrick. "He did all sorts of wonders for this town while it was rebuilding from the fire."

Crash knocked on the door, and Vivian answered the door. She looked all happy when she saw Crash.

"Dad, Crash and the others are here!" she exclaimed.

"Say it isn't so!" Dr. Schatz moved his daughter aside to take a good look at Crash. "So good to see you again, Crash! How are things coming along? And who are those two ladies with you? They look mighty familiar..."

"Evelyn Morneau and Farrow Minowah, former guards of Collator," explained Crash.

"I knew those two were familiar! Everyone, come on in!"


Inside Dr. Schatz's home was a lot of exotic plants and fossils, either encased or on the wall for display.

"Do you have any food?" asked Crunch. Vivian gave the bandicoot a bowl of ice cream with a spoon in it; after taking the first bite, Crunch was startled by a tentacle that popped out of the ice cream. The tentacle wrapped itself around Cortex, and banged his head on the floor repeatedly.

"Life here must be rather peaceful," Nina said to the Schatzs, ignoring the fact that her uncle was getting pummeled by Crunch's ice cream. (If you leave out the fact that it has a tentacle, it actually sounds kinda depressing.)

"The bandicoot who used to live here offered to sell this house to us," said Dr. Schatz. "His generosity knows no bounds."

"What generosity..." scoffed Von Clutch. "He has yet to freeload his stuff to me..."

"Well we all can't have nice things, for if we did, that would make life unfair for others."

"We now interrupt this current program for yet another news flash!" a news anchor appeared on the television, interrupting a soap drama. "There has been some commotion going on near Demeter Canyon. A huge fire has erupted near Demeter Mines; no casualties have been reported. Stay tuned for more updates!"

Crash's phone rang, and the bandicoot answered it. It was Stew.

"Yo, Crash, that dumb news flash interrupted the soap opera Chick and I were watching!" he complained. "How are we gonna know if Michael is really going out with Sarah? And what if Claire was really pregnant?!"

Crash immediately ended the call, and said the following words:

"We got another clone to dispatch." What, you thought he would say something else? Shame on you.

"You're not going down to the mine shaft, are you?" asked Vivian, concerned about our heroes' safety. "Who knows what dangers might lurk there!"

"Crash and his friends are brave warriors, Vivian," said Dr. Schatz. "There is no need to be such a worry wart."

"They might underestimate what they're going up against. Can't let anything bad happen to them!"

"We got it all covered," said Uka. "...As long as Crash is leading the way, that is, and not Cortex."

Speaking of Cortex, the scientist was wrangling with the ice cream...its tentacle, that is. (See how sad that statement sounds if you take the word "tentacle" out of it?)


Chantex entered his schoolmaster room, drinking from a cup of coffee held by Inez, when he saw Tawna Bandicoot lying on the floor. His eyes widened as he looked at the unconscious bandicoot - let's just hope he's not checking her out or anything, because that would be really creepy...

"I see a note on the bandicoot," Inez flew over to Tawna and picked up the note. "Let's see what is says...'Use me for ransom...from Tawna Bandicoot'?"

"Ransom, it says?" Chantex raised an eyebrow. "Whoever sent us this bandicoot must want us to entice someone here - but who?"

"Mindy did say that one of Cortex's minions, Pinstripe, is romantically intertwined with this Tawna person. But for her to lead herself to this very academy is quite remarkable, especially if she knew that this place existed."

"I detect some foul play regarding this matter...Come, we must evaluate the students and see if anyone has to do with this."


On their way to the Demeter Mines, our heroes came across a roadblock. A wide totem pole was keeping the group from pressing forward.

"Who keeps a random totem pole on a canyon trail like this?" wondered Tropy.

"I've seen some crazier things," replied Aku. "Like this one time, when I was at the toilet museum, and a statue of Malcolm X was present at the entrance!"

"Don't know whether I should question the statue, or the fact that such a thing as a toilet museum actually exists."

Crash took out Caleb and put him on, utilizing the mask's x-ray vision to scan the totem pole for any clues.

"Oh ho ho, I detect an instruction booklet!" Caleb perked up.

"Who keeps an instruction booklet in a totem pole?" wondered Crash.

"Lotsa dumb people do stuff like that. Like this one time, when I was stuck in the women's restroom, and I..."

"...Okay, okay, I don't need to know any more details."

Crash tried to reach the instruction booklet through the mouth of one of the totem pole carvings, and pulled it out and read it.

"There's only one sentence in this dumb thing," said Crash. "It says to hug the totem pole...what good would that do?"

"If it wants us to hug it, and that's what we must do!" Cortex gave the totem pole a hug. He was expecting something to happen.

"Cortex you're doing it all wrong," Coco pushed Cortex aside. "You have to do it...with LOVE!" Coco hugged the totem pole, fully embracing it. In an instant, it magically disappeared.

"A magical totem pole!" exclaimed Caleb. "We oughta sell it for some dough!"

"Yeah, sell a relic that must belong to ancient, indigenous people...Such a brilliant idea."


Chantex gathered all fifteen of his students - Charles and Trent are still recovering in the hospital - in the multipurpose room, ready to do some interrogation. The students from Keystone Island were also forced to attend. In the center of the room was Tawna, still unconscious.

"Ooh are we playing Pin the Tail on the Bandicoot?" asked Luigi. "I love game variations like these!"

"We're not playing any games," stated Chantex. "This bandicoot just so happened to show up in my room, and left behind a note begging me to use her for ransom. Before we could talk about ransom and all that good stuff...who knows about this bandicoot?"

The students exchanged glances with one another, wondering who had any relation with Tawna.

"I'm baack!" Eily, the pink-haired girl who debuted in chapter 41, entered the multipurpose room, and everyone looked at her. "Did I miss something?"

"Her!" Zeferino pointed at Eily.

"Eily do you have something to do with this blonde bandicoot?" asked Chantex.

"Wait, who, what?" Eily looked around in confusion. She had nothing to do with the striation, but she was the scapegoat.

"Eily has been gone for quite a long time," said Jarogniew. "Perhaps she told the bandicoot of this school!"

"No, you got it all wrong, I was busy looking for the Excalibur sword..."

"Yerofeyev has the Excalibur sword," interjected Iseult. Chantex's eyes got huge.

"He had the sword this whole time?! Ooooh..."

"Nice save, Zeferino," Raquel quietly commended Zeferino. If you recall, the feline herself was the one who captured Tawna.


Our heroes entered the Demeter Mines, and were taken back at the foul smell.

"Smells like we're inside a toilet!" grimaced Pasadena. "With lots of fecal matter!"

"Thank you for the unnecessary description, Pasadena," said Crash, holding his nose.

A weasel appeared and moved about, seemingly excited to see some company.

"Nobody move!" commanded Uka. "That weasel could be dangerous..."

"It looks friendly to me," remarked Nina.

"Because it wants you to think it's friendly! But I've seen one too many Looney Tunes cartoons to know that weasels...are EVIL!"

"These here mines are off limits," a middle-aged dude approached our heroes. He looked like someone out of a Western movie. "Nobody is allowed to go through here but me."

"It's a hobo!" panicked Fake Crash. "He wants our money!"

"Money?" the man began to chuckle. "No no no, I'm not taking your money, I'm just analyzing the mines for any danger. I'm Hector, by the way."

"Hector...sounds like...a name of EVIL!" Uka said.

"Yeah it's anything but...How about I show you around, the damage is quite prevalent."


Hector took our heroes through the mining tunnels, with his pet weasel tagging along, as the temperature began to decrease.

"The heat is coming on very strong," stated Hector. "That girl responsible for the fire is closer than I thought..."

"Must be the clone," Coco whispered to Crash.

"I know," Crash whispered back.

The group reached the end of the tunnel, and encountered some mine carts. You know what that means?

"We get to defecate in the mine carts?" asked Cortex. No, Cortex...that's just gross. "Awwww..."

"These here mine carts will take us to wherever that girl is," explained Hector. "Everyone hop aboard!"

So our heroes got in pairs of two, and rode the mine carts through the mining shaft. Once the mining railroads ended, they were thrown out of their mine crafts and into a bottomless pit, where they would fall to their dooms and die...Okay, I was just kidding. The pit they were thrown in wasn't bottomless, but it did have a few spikes, which Cortex landed on.

"Why does stuff like this usually happen to me whenever I don't have insurance?" he wondered, writhing in pain. The temperature in the pit was at an all time high.

"The girl must be in that fiery cave!" Hector pointed at a cave, filled to the brim in fire. Our heroes entered the fiery cave, and encountered an Azalea clone, wearing a pink and black sleeveless dress. This was Fire Azalea.

"About time someone made it here," she said. "I was about to make this place my own personal abode!"

"Why are you here for?" asked Crash. "Tell us!"

"I'm here...for these!" Fire Azalea held up crystals for the heroes to see. "This is why us clones exist, to gather crystals for our evil plot!"

"Get here!" Crash and the gang leaped towards the clone, but Fire Azalea summoned a field of fire to stop them in their tracks. But Tropy doused the fire out by using his staff as a water hose.

"I really do underestimate the very limits of my own staff," he remarked. Fire Azalea threw balls of fire at our heroes, but Crunch punched them back at the clone, knocking her back. The bandicoot burnt his hands for his effort.

"Gah, Crunch's hands!" Crunch tried to blow out the fire on his hands. While he was doing that, Tropy sprayed water all over Fire Azalea, and she began to melt, like the Wicked Witch from the West.

"I'm melting! I'm melting!" she even sounded like the Wicked Witch too! "You fools!" These words the last words the clone uttered, as she melted completely. Tropy doused the flames in the cave, as Hector entered.

"Woah! You guys took care of her!" he remarked.

"She wasn't that much of a fight," stated Evelyn.


"How has Gunther been lately?" Yerofeyev asked Dave; both were still sitting at the table with their little discussion. "Have you heard from him lately?"

"No I haven't, sir," Dave shook his head. "Ever since he went rogue at Chantex's academy, nobody has ever seen him again."

Yerofeyev stroked his chin. Dave would send letters to Yerofeyev - which is quite the feat to pull off, since no one knew about Yerofeyev's whereabouts. And in these letters, Dave would write about Isabel and Gunther, who were both enrolled in Chantex's academy at the time.

"I have a glut feeling that this Gunther boy has a big role in the prophecy," Yerofeyev continued to stroke his chin. "A role bigger than I expected..."


Our heroes returned to Cohmnall Morass, following reports that a clone was there.

"You have returned!" Private Squall flew down and landed at the feet of our heroes. "I'm afraid that the peace here has been disrupted yet again."

"We know what's going on," explained Farrow. "A clone of a brunette girl is causing harm...and gathering crystals."

"Gathering crystals? Oh no..."

"The crystals are hidden in a sacred place or something?"

"I wouldn't really call it a sacred place...but the crystals are guarded by a baby dragon. Poor dragon could be seriously hurt!"

"Why can't we just boil the baby dragon and eat instead?" suggested Uka, garnering questionable and inquisitive looks from everyone. "Think about it; it won't go through any pain at all, he'll just marinate in the stew and die peacefully!"

"We are not resorting to such matters...we must ensure that the dragon safe and free from harm!"

"Boo! Boo, I say!"


Squall took the heroes to miniature gorge, abundant with crystals. Cortex gleamed at the sight.

"So many crystals!" he grinned. "Pinch me, I must me dreaming!"

Nina pinched her uncle, and Cortex yelped in excruciating pain. Excruciating? Is Cortex really that weak?

"But where's the baby dragon?" panicked Squall. "What if that girl you mentioned earlier has him in her possession?"

"Taking about me already? I must be the popular one, aren't I?"

An Azalea clone appeared, wearing dragoon clothing. In her hands was the baby dragon. This clone is Earth Azalea.

"Hand over the baby dragon, and nobody gets hurt!" demanded Squall.

"Silly bird, I believe its you and your friends who are getting hurt," Earth Azalea snarled. She summoned a sandstorm, entrapping our heroes inside. Apparently Crash and Von Clutch thought that flailing their arms about would disperse the sand in the air, but Aku and Uka had a much smarter plan; they huffed, and they puffed, and they blew the little pig's house down...but there was no little pig, and no house, so they blew the sandstorm away instead.

"Try again!" taunted Aku.

"Time to take matters..." Earth Azalea dug into her skin, and pulled out a bone. "...in my own hands."

The clone placed the baby dragon on the floor, and rushed forward towards the heroes. Yaya stepped forward with her spear, and soon the two went into battle.

"Quickly, everyone, we must collect the crystals!" Cortex dove into the pool of crystals...but Tropy grabbed him before he could.

"Leave, the crystals, alone," he warned.

Yaya managed to defeat Earth Azalea by thrusting her spear through the clone's chest. Earth Azalea clutched the wound, and slowly fell to the ground, as her body dissipated. Yaya went to the baby dragon, which was understandably acting all shy around her, and picked him up and cradled him in her arms.

"The dragon is safe!" Yaya proclaimed.

"Great!" smiled Uka. "Now let's boil it!"

"We're NOT boiling the dragon!" Squall scolded. "We're taking him to the military base, where he will remain in safety and comfort."


At the military base, Commander Cyrus placed the baby dragon in a cage. The crystals from the gorge were stored inside a storage room for safekeeping. Our heroes were chilling, until they were encountered by a certain muscular dove.

"The Circumstance?!" everyone uttered in unison, seeing the dove dressed like a soldier.

"Make that Private Circumstance!" said the bird. "Sounds tight, don't it?"

"Sure man, whatever makes you happy," replied Von Clutch. Private Circumstance pouted, displeased with the fact that nobody likes his new moniker.

"Surprised to see me?" General Fitch, the former leader of the hornet army, approached the heroes. "Us doves and hornets have made a truce, to survey Comhnall Morass and maintain the peace!"

"Well Flem isn't filming his reality show anymore," stated Coco. "So what are the surviving doves up to these days?"

"Pookie and Denise have used the building for the reality series as their beauty salon. As for me and Cyrus..."

"Commander Cyrus, your Barbie Beach Party with General Fitch was supposed to start five minutes ago!" Chipper flew into the area. "I've set up all the dolls and the...CRASH IS BACK? CRASH IS BACK! GIVE ME A HUG MAN!"

"Oh heck no..." Crash tried to run away, but it was too late. Chipper tackled Crash to the ground and began to hug him as everyone else laughed in unison.